>> stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thanks so much, everybody, please, sit down. thanks very much. welcome to "the late show," folks. i am so happy to be here. i'm your host, stephen colbert. you can tell-- ( cheers and applause ) you can tell, are you excited for the holidays, coming up? ( cheers and applause ) it's very-- i love it. i'm feeling good. i'm feeling good this christmastime. all my christmas shopping is almost started. i'm ahead. >> jon: almost there, right? >> stephen: i'm ahead. hey, you know who's having a good christmas? donald trump. he got what he wanted for christmas-- america. and he's regifting it to his buddies. he's appointed some more people to his cabinet. yesterday, a guy named stephen miller was appointed to be his senior policy adviser. now, we do not know a lot about him. so far, all we know is, he's a picker, he's a grinner, he's a lover, and he's a sinner. and, some people call him maurice. now, this is the dope on this guy: during the campaign, stephen miller's job was to "warm up crowds before trump took the stage at rallies." "a

>> stephen: retweet? >> yes! >> stephen: really? >> yes! >> stephen: what! how was "i am tired? what a pleasure. congratulations on your show. >> thank you. >> stephen: "stranger things" is streaming now on netflix. millie bobby brown, everybody! ♪ ♪,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ♪ ♪ >> stephen: wow, what a show. i really loved doing that interview with de niro. it reminds me of a great little moment we had off camera that night with bobby. when we went to commercial bobby leans and he says to me, "stephen, we're not that close, please don't call me bobby." millie bobby brown said the same thing. what can i say? celeb life. captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ♪ a thing no more it's gonna be just fine ♪ it's the late, late show ( cheers and applause ) >> reggie: ladies and gentlemen, all the way from loredo, texas, give it up for your host the one, the only james corden!

. >> stephen: really? no stephens. >> no? >> stephen: no stephens. i grew up with no stephens. it was out of favor. >> i went to school with stephen collins, who was a bully. ( laughter ) sorry, stephen collins. >> stephen: i apologize on behalf of all stephens, i guess. i'm sorry about that. now, this is your second child. do you care-- ? >> as much? >> stephen: you worry less! ( laughter ) you worry less. i'm sure you care! >> do you care as much about this kid? >> stephen: yeah, whatever. do you worry as much? >> i feel i'm more relaxed. you have two, so. >> stephen: i have three, actually. >> you have three! >> stephen: oh, the third is like free-range. >> forget it! that one's raising itself, yeah. >> stephen: just throw some food on the floor, it's like a cat. put some water down, make sure the water's fresh. everything's fine. but you do worry less? >> well, i think you do, in that you're more relaxed, so the kid's quite zenned out. violet's like-- like, she's so relaxed, because i'm relaxed, i guess. >> stephen: oh, that's pleasant. relaxed mommy makes everybody happy.

. >> stephen: i just don't know. on cbs december 5. >> do it, stephen! >> stephen: does this only work if you two take opposite sides? >> what is it? look, i'll take whatever you've got. why don't we grab a bite to eat? ( ding ) >> stephen: wow, one, old man! >> announcer: it is "the late show" with stephen colbert. tonight stephen welcomes lauren graham and justin long. live from tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) yeah! hey! how's it going? ( cheers and applause ) whoo! please! please! have a seat, everybody. thank you so much for being here. welcome to the "late show." i'm stephen colbert. how's everyone doing? ( cheers and applause ) that is good to hear. that is good to hear. like america, i in and with roughly seven weeks until he takes office, president-elect donald trump still has a few things he's researching. needs to figure out, like, "what does a president do?" and now we know he knows it's not going to be that easy because trump surrogate and flesh snowman, newt gingrich, recently

>> stephen: no. there it is. >> oh, it's in the banana. >> stephen: yeah, we have the technology. >> huh-oh. >> stephen: what you have got there? >> "good news! if you want, you can leave m -- good news, if you have a deadly banana allergy, all your problems will soon be over. ( applause ) >> stephen: congratulations! that's it for the "late show"'s goo"good news bananas"! we'll be right back with lauren graham! ( ally cat playing ) ( cheers and applause ) so i'm calling to see if you can help me save on my energy bill. we can do that. great. i live in a post-war, pre-war, mid-century home and the heating system is a turbine, hvac, reverse hydrogen, boiler pipe unit. well sir, i can see that you live in a twin and based on the size, your usage has been spiking. ♪ that's exactly what i thought. if you're not an expert, peco can help. we have lots of ways to help you save energy and money. peco. the future is on. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> stephen: hey! welcome back, everybody! ( cheers and appla

>> stephen: welcome to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. i'm so excited to be here tonight with you guys. ( cheers and applause ) it's an amazing crowd tonight. ( cheers and applause ) even better-- even better than the crowd last night. i hosted the kennedy center honors last night, it's going to broadcast-- when? december 28th, right? something like that. check your local listings. ( laughter ) but only cbs. going to be on cbs. and it's a huge honor to be there. you know, because you're there with all these artists. they have got the rainbow ribbons around their neck, the kennedy center thing, and the president and the first lady are there. these legends, because it's legends honoring legends. and last night i got to meet ringo starr! ( cheers and applause ) yeah! that's exactly what i said when i saw him! and do you know what ringo starr says to everybody he sees, whether it's, like, an individual or, like, a crowd? he says this-- ( laughter ) >> jon: two deuces! >> stephen: exactly, he does this to eve

. >> stephen: no. there it is. >> oh, it's in the banana. >> stephen: yeah, we have the technology. >> huh-oh. >> stephen: what you have got there? >> "good news! if you want, you can leave m -- good news, if you have a deadly banana allergy, all your problems will soon be over. ( applause ) >> stephen: congratulations! that's it for the "late show"'s goo"good news bananas"! we'll be right back with lauren graham! ( ally cat playing ) ( cheers and applause ) ? >> stephen: hey! welcome back, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) my first guest is a golden globe-nominated actress and author known for her roles on "gilmore girls," "parenthood" and "gilmore girls." >> let's get peruvian papas >> and head straight for the stomach pump. >> i have to leave in half an hour. >> i can't leave. have a plane to catch. who's going to get back to the diner? >> i can watch her but you have to be back in 45 minutes to relieve me. >> i have been successfully eating by myself five and six years. gypsy can watch me. >> that

. >> stephen: lucky. yeah. >> stephen: wow. lucky that it's -- >> that i would be lucky to have the dog. >> stephen: oh, that is really sweet. that is very sweet. ( applause ) this one has nice stars on the outside, and it says, "christmas is not a date, it is a state of mind." that's a very sweet idea. but the first draft said "i'm high right now. happy labor day." ( laughter ) and we don't want to exclude our jewish friends, so here's one with a menorah, and it says "wishing you love and happiness all hannukah long." but the first draft says "this was the only hanukkah card they had." ( laughter ) ( applause ) now for the final first draft card. here's a classic sentiment: "i'm dreaming of a white christmas." but the first draft said, "make america great again." ( applause ) tova, thank you so much for being here! that's it for first drafts of holiday cards. happy holidays to you all, no matter which one you celebrate. just give people cash! they love it! back with octavia spencer! thank you so much! ♪ ( cheers and applause

. >> stephen: no. there it is. >> oh, it's in the banana. >> stephen: yeah, we have the technology. >> huh-oh. >> stepheha there? >> "good news! if you want, you can leave m -- good news, if you have a deadly banana allergy, all your problems will soon be over. ( applause ) >> stephen: congratulations! that's it for the "late show"'s goo"good news bananas"! we'll be right back with lauren graham! ( ally cat playing ) at olive garden, enjoy our freshly filled pastas bursting with indulgent flavors. and perfectly paired with irresistible steak, shrimp or chicken. comfort and joy, love and laughter, happiness and cheer. served with all the salad and breadsticks you want. bring flavorfilled pairings and your family ( cheers and applause ) ? >> stephen: hey! welcome back, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) my first guest is a golden globe-nominated actress and author known for her roles on "gilmore girls," "parenthood" and "gilmore girls." >> let's get and -- >> and head straight for the stomach pump. >> i

>> stephen: not one. >> jon: can't get one? >> stephen: not one. and you know the party is lame when the band doesn't want to come. >> jon: man. >> stephen: you know what, ask the chess team, maybe they'll go. we're going to stay home and clean our spit val ofs. they are so desperate, according to insiders the trump team dangled ambassadorships to lure a-list inauguration singers. that sounds great. prime minister netanyahu, ambassador gaga is here to see you, bibi gaga gaga bibe. so it looks like the inautomatic-- inaugust rail bt taint-- entertainment band. (applause) we have a great show for you tontd, james franco is here. when we return, my friend gil peaches will be reviewing movies in a very with a very special guest, stick around. >> stephen: give it up for jon batiste and stay human, everybody! (cheers and applause). >> stephen: merry christmas. >> jon: merry christmas. >> jon: merree christmas. hope you have a very happy one. >> jon: you too. >> stephen: well, folks, a lot of people love doing t

>> stephen, stephen, stephen stephen! >> stephen: what's going on? what's up? stephen! stephen! ? ? ? ( cheers ) >> stephen: that's awfully nice. thanks, everybody. that's lovely. wooo! ( cheers ) >> stephen: please, everybody, thank you so much. welcome to "the late show." so glad you're here. i'm your host, stephen colbert. it's lovely to be back. we haven't seen you guys for a week. i hope you guys-- everybody have a good thanksgiving? ( cheers and applause ) i did, too. i had a fantastic-- jon, you were there. >> jon: yeah. >> stephen: here's something i discovered this thanksgiving. i discovered if you bury your face in the pecan pie, it absorbs your screams. and best part is, after you-- it's true-- after you put your face in it, you get to have the whole pie. you just keep shovel it in there, and if you keep the pie in your mouth, you don't have time to yell at rick. >> jon: i remember that. >> stephen: so, anyway, what's happening, guys? seriously, what the hell is going on? ( laughter ) i haven't been watching the news kind of dipped my wick back in it last night, and i sti

. >> stephen: a ten. a ten. >> huge! >> stephen: yuge. yeah, would have been yuge. >> stephen: so what does that say about how we deal? they were working to try to figure out the tway human imagination created alternative realities. they never finished the work. what they were doing more broadly, the reason i seized upon it it as a book title, is they were undoing the human nature that we were basically good and rational in our choices. >> stephen: so we're not rational. >> no, we're not. >> stephen: can we become rational? or is that even a good goal? they were saying that -- i think their work shows, something very deep about human nature. they're wired for certain kinds of infallibility and rationalities. we can check ourselves. we can find ways to sort of govern our intellects, but we will make mistakes, systematically, not just one-off mistakes, so that, as a result, markets can make mistakes, elections can get screwed up. the human mind leads itself astray in the same way that, say, their optical illusions they were describing cogni

. >> stephen: hey, david? >> yes, stephen. >> stephen: hey, david? >> yeah. >> stephen: have you ever seen a bra? ( laughter ) >> yeah. one time my mom took me to j.c. penney's and they were on lady mannequins. it made me scared and excited. ( laughter ) hey, stephen. >> stephen: yeah. >> what happens when you sneeze and no one says "god bless you?" >> stephen: you go to hell. ( laughter ) that's what my brother says, he says you go hell. unless you say "heavens to betsy" at the same time. >> does that really work? >> stephen: if your name is betsy. ( laughter ) >> stephen. >> stephen: what? >> i feel like we're being watched. ( laughter ) >> stephen: that's my sister. >> oh, it is? >> stephen: go to bed, lulu! you're not scaring us! hey, david? >> stephen. >> stephen: do you have hair down there? >> oh! ( laughter ) what! no way! you're only two months older than i am! ( laughter ) how is that possible? >> it's a real busy two months, though. ( laughter ) >> stephen: how many? >> how many? >> stephen: how many? >> eight and a half. ( laughter ) >> s

stephen: yeah. i feel really close to you right now, will. ( laughter ) ( laughs ) ( laughter ) >> stephen: hmmm. >> you know, stephen? >> stephen: yeah, will? >> how do you want to be thought of by your great-great grandchildren? >> stephen: oh, i think i'd like them to think of me as still being alive. ( laughter ) >> yeah. >> stephen: you know? >> yeah, that would be good. >> stephen: hey, will? >> yes, stephen. >> stephen: with all these new medical advancements, how long do you think humans will be able to live? >> well, not long enough to watch your whole netflix queue. >> stephen: probably not, probably not. ( laughter ) >> stephen? >> stephen: yeah, will. >> do you ever wonder if we're all, like, just inside of some dog's dream? ( laughter ) >> stephen: no, because if we were, then there wouldn't be vacuum cleaners. ( laughter ) >> oh! ah. well, unless it's a nightmare. >> stephen: true, good point. ( barking ) >> yeah. what do you want on your gravestone? >> stephen: i think, "well, i thoug

. >> stephen: yeah. >> stephen. >> stephen: yeah. >> i don't think my voice fits with your big stick. >> stephen: oh, okay, yeah, that's cool. have a great-- have a great show. i should-- i should get-- i should go. what was that? hey! that's a great idea! why don't we both dijerydoo. are you down to double dijerydo? >> i guess. >> stephen: okay, great, awesome. >> but i don't have the dijery doo. >> stephen: oh, really? what's that behind your ear? ( laughter ) here you go. five, six, seven, 8. >> it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight, stephen welcomes matthew broderick ali wentworth and musical guest fergie. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) colombia. >> stephen: hey! hey, everybody! hey, mark. how you doing, chris? ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: hey! >> stephen: what's going on? philosophical. >> jon: philosophical. >> stephen: hey, everybody! welcome to "the late show." i am stephen colbert. happy friday! what else is there to say? ( cheers and appla

>> stephen: great. this is "stephen colbert's midnight confessions." ( cheers and applause ) ( laughter ) >> stephen: standard disclaimer: these might not technically be sins, but i do feel guilty about them. okay, i'll be right back. forgive me, audience. my new year's resolution is cancelling the gym membership i got last year. audience, audience, one of the wise men in my nativity scene broke, and instead of buying a new one, i relaced him with lego batman. ( laughter ) i do comedy for a living, but i panic whenever i have to pick out my funny screen name at the bowling alley. ( laughter ) steve-pin bowl-bert? ti do something that would make me seem reckless, like get a tatook place of my a.t.m. pin. ( laughter ) sometimes, after i've unloaded my groceries, i just push the empty cart into the parking lot like it's a viking funeral. ( laughter ) i take credit for other people's work. and if i had writers, they'd be pretty pissed. ( laughter ) sometimes i go to kickboxing gyms, look around, and say rea

>> stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thanks so much. please, sit down. thanks very much. welcome to "late show,"" folks. i am so happy to be here. i'm your host, stephen colbert. you can can tell-- are you excited for the holidays. i'm feeling good. i'el christmastime. almost all my christmas shopping is started. i'm ahead. i'm ahead. you know who's having a good christmas? donald trump. he got what he wanted for christmas-- america. and he's reguesting it to his buddies. he's appointed more people to his cabinet. yesterday, a guy named stephen miller was appointed to be his senior policy adviser. now, we don't know a lot about him. so far, we know he's a picker, a grinner, a lover, and sinner. some people call him maurice. this is the dope on this guy. during the campaigte crowds before trump took the stage at rallies." "all right, welcome to the rally. hey, where are you guys from? okay. we're going to deport you back to there." trump's cabinet is really taking shape, and it's important, it takes shape, because there's this thing called the line of succession. it involv

i'm stephen colbert... i think. ( laughter ) i'm not-- i'm not sure what to believe about anything anymore. how, how-- let me ask you-- how's everybody doing right now? how you feeling? ( cheers and applause ) all right, all right. i'm glad. you know what? i'm glad, i'm glad. that's better than i thought. ( laughter ) because, you know, i-- i am so glad to be with you tonight. i wouldn't want to be alone right now, you know? and if you'll be there, i'm not going anywhere. all right? ( cheers and applause ) what's it, four years? four years? we've got four very interesting years in front of us. ( laughter ) but i don't know about you all, i did not get a lot of sleep last night. did you sleep at all, jon? >> jon: about three and a half hours or so. >> stephen: three and a half hours? and those are jazz hours. ( laughter ) >> jon: yeah. playing the whole time. >> stephen: those are not normal hours. no, exactly, the whole time, it's arpeggios. ( laughter ) now, walking around the streets of new york today, a

>> stephen: welcome! thank you so much, everybody. that's so nice of you. please have a seat, everybody. you're too kind. thank you so much. welcome to "the late show." i am your host, stephen colbert. ( cheers and applause ) very nice, very nice. i suddenly am very affectionate toward you, too. now, there's no getting around it, today, donald trump was named "time's" person of the it, today, donald trump was named "time's" person of the year-- unless, jill stein but grandma, we useo charmin ultra softsoft. so we don't have to wad to get clean. mmm, cushiony...and we can use less. charmin ultra soft gets you clean without the wasteful wadding. it has comfort cushions you can see that are softer... ...and more absorbent, and you can use up to 4 times less. remember, that's charmin in there... no wasteful wadding! we all go. why not enjoy the go with charmin. try theraflu expressmax,nd flu hold you back now in new caplets. it's the only cold & flu caplet that has a maximum strength formula with a unique war

>> stephen: welcome! thank you so much, everybody. that's so nice of you. please have a seat, everybody. you're too kind. thank you so much. welcome to "the late show." i am your host, stephen colbert. ( cheers and applause ) very nice, very nice. i suddenly am very affectionate toward you, too. now, there's no getting around it, today, donald trump was named "time's" person of the year-- unless, jill stein demands a recount. you gotta admit, this is a huge honor. "time" is america's premiere magazine about things we're running out of. ( laughter ) and let's face it, trump dominated the news this year. the only person who came close was hillary clinton, who sadly had to settle for the cover of "upstate woods wanderer." that's good. she looks happy. she looks rested. she's fine! she's going to be fine. check out trump on "time's" cover. i can understand why he distrusts the media. it looks like they snuck up on him to take that photo. plus, "time," don't think we didn't notice that you put those devil horn

>> stephen: no... just where they don't become president. ( cheers and applause ) ( gun shot ) ♪ ♪ >> announcer: it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight, stephen welcomes mark wahlberg; lee daniels; and musical guest miranda lambert. featuring jon batiste and "stay human." and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ >> stephen: hey, everybody! merry christmas! good to see you! hey! ♪ ♪ >> jon: hey! >> stephen: good to see you. merry christmas. >> jon: merry christmas to you! ( applause ) >> stephen: welcome to "the late show." please sit down, everybody. thank you so much. you're very kind. oh, what a lovely night. what a lovely crowd. how is everybody feeling tonight? you feeling all right? feeling the holidays. ( cheers and applause ) welcome to "the late show." i'm your host stephen colbert. um, a lot of exciting revelations today, yeah. a lot of exciting-- who donald trump is meeting with for cabinet p

. >> stephen: really. was it nancy? >> stephen: she's tough, tough. but fair. firm but fair, noon see, always. >> actually, it was a strange night because it was a dinner for the saudis, and i thought-- i di'tnow why ias invited. so i did all this research on, you know, what crops they grow and things likthat so i could be informed. >> stephen: what crops do saudis grow? >> i know! they do grow a few crops. ( laughter ) and the reason evidence envieted--as saudi prens whoas 11-- actually tmust have been after "ghostsbusters" came out. hemented to sit next to zuel, and that's why i was invite gld really? what do you talk with an 11-year-old saudi prince about, other than crops, obviously. >> after we got through crops -- he didn't speak englis so we him. have you kept up with h? >> yes, i'm going over there to inspect their crops. >> stephen: excellent. ( applause ) you're a bit of an environmentalist. ob, we know this from "avata" you believe in protecting the trees. >> right, rig. >> stephen: you proect the trees. >> yes, yes. >> stephen: trump just-- who did

>> stephen: ask me how you're doing. >> how are you doing, stephen. >> stephen: what have you heard. do you have any plans for the holiday? >> traditional, with my kids, a couple of good friends coming up. i'll be in charge of the turkey, southern fried this year. >> stephen: southern fried turkey? >> oh, yeah. >> stephen: are you going to fry it yourself? >> yes. >> stephen: why don't you just set yourself on fire, it's quicker. >> you have to lower that bird in very, very, very slowly. >> stephen: yeah, and do it outside, please. >> i've done it before. >> stephen: you've done it outside? you've done it already? >> quite a few times. >> stephen: how long-- is it fast? >> three times. 15 of-pound bird, by the time you heat the oil, that takes about 45 minutes. 15-pound bird, one hour. and you're ready to eat. >> stephen: wow, that's nice. >> one hour. >> stephen: and, listen -- >> all the juice is kept inside. >> stephen: is there a traditional-- is there a traditional irish christmas that you celebrate? >> going to mass a few times. >> stephen: oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. a few times? >>

>> stephen: thank you. that's very nice. that's so nice. that's lovely. stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: wow. thank you so much. thank you, everybody. thank you. ( cheers and applause ) so kind. that's so kind. lovely. thank you so much for chanting my name. it is my favorite christmas carol. ( laughter ) welcome to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. i hope everybody is feeling good, ready for the weekend. there's a lot going on in t world. donald trump is... out there ( laughter ) he's getting rea to break yet another presidential tradition, because this week, we learned that he could become the first president in 150 years who does not have a pet. other than, of course, the rare golden marmot that nests on his head. but a longed time. ( cheers and applause ) but a longtime acquaintance of trump's says she wants to give him a nine-week-old golden doodle. speaking of trump's lapdogs, the republicans control both the house and the senate, and when trump becomes president, they've got some big pns, because mitch mcconnell, senate majority leader and soda

>> stephen: retweet? >> yes! >> stephen: really? >> yes! >> stephen: what! how was "i am tired? what a pleasure. congratulations on your show. >> thank you. >> stephen: "stranger things" is streaming now on netflix. millie bobby brown, everybody! ♪ ♪ crsugar is everywherets sugar shield and crest complete has a sugar shield to protect teeth from sugar found in everyday foods. crest complete. shield your teeth from sugar. so sugar may visit, but it's not sticking around my hygienist told me to try... ...a mouthwash. so i tried crest. it does so much more than give me fresh breath. crest pro-health mouthwash provides all of these benefits to help you get better dental check-ups. go pro with... ...crest pro-health mouthwash. checkup? nailed it. ♪ ♪ >> stephen: wow, what a show. i really loved doing that interview with de niro. it reminds me of a great little moment we had off camera that night with bobby. when we went to commercial bobby leans and he says to me, "stephen, we're not that close, please don't call me bobby." millie bobby brown said the same thing. what can i s

thank you, mark. >> stephen! stephen! stephen. >> jon: yeah! >> stephen: what's going on, jon? good to see you. ( cheers and applause ) hey! you're very nice. oh, the people-- wonderful. what a lovely crowd. welcome to "the late show." i'm stephen colbert. everybody feeling good? everybody feeling good? ( cheers and applause ) nice. people are excited about joe biden, is what they're excited about. ( cheers and applause ) i wish that was for me. the big political news today is that al gore went to trump tower yesterday to talk climate change with donald trump. yeah, yeah. ( applause ) first half of the meeting was convincing trump that al gore was not a hoax invented by the chinese. ( laughter and applause ) and when gore emerged from the meeting, i've got to say, he was passionately noncommittal. >> i found it an extremely interesting conversation, and, to be continued. ( laughter ) >> stephen: "extremely interesting" and "to be continued," two things that have never been used to describe al gore's political career. ( laughter ) so-- >> jon: hey, now! ( piano riff ) >> stephen