tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS December 14, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EST
special. but i digress. here, i brought you presents. this, uh... ball! >> yay, a ball! >> and this... snake! ( laughter ). >> okay. >> wait a minute, give me that snake back. >> hey! >> ho-ho, economic it out. >> it's a christmas miracle! >> it sure is. merry christmas, everyone. and to all a good night. now up the chimney i go! ooooh! that's a tight fit. oops. ( laughter ) merry christmas! >> it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight, stephen welcomes neil patrick harris and megan mullally.
featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! hey! >> stephen: hey, jon. good to see you! >> stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thanks so much. please, sit down. thanks very much. welcome to "late show,"" folks. i am so happy to be here. i'm your host, stephen colbert. you can can tell-- are you excited for the holidays. i'm feeling good. i'el
christmastime. almost all my christmas shopping is started. i'm ahead. i'm ahead. you know who's having a good christmas? donald trump. he got what he wanted for christmas-- america. and he's reguesting it to his buddies. he's appointed more people to his cabinet. yesterday, a guy named stephen miller was appointed to be his senior policy adviser. now, we don't know a lot about him. so far, we know he's a picker, a grinner, a lover, and sinner. some people call him maurice. this is the dope on this guy. during the campaigte
crowds before trump took the stage at rallies." "all right, welcome to the rally. hey, where are you guys from? okay. we're going to deport you back to there." trump's cabinet is really taking shape, and it's important, it takes shape, because there's this thing called the line of succession. it involves most of the cabinet. it goes president, vice president, speaker of the house, secretary of state, the grimace, i believe. just kidding, obviously, they're all white. >> jon: hey. >> stephen: it's true, it's true.a grimace is a person of color. purple, purple, but still. here's an actual chart for the line of succession. which doubles as the chart of haircuts you can get at the senior center. ( laughter ) now, for those of you concerned with diversity, don't worry. the secretary of agriculture appears to be a black guy. ( laughter ) ( applause ) don't know who he is. don't know m a
don't know much about him. but he seems very nice. yesterday, donald trump was in wisconsin, hiding from his intelligence briefing, and hecre talked about how he felt on election night about all the polls that said he would lose. >> i really assumed i lost. i believed these things are supposed to be correct, so i sort of thought i lost, and i was okay with it. >> stephen: yes, i was, too. i was okay with that. i was okay with that. >> jon: i saw that, i saw that. i was there, too. >> stephen: that idea did not upset me. then trump shared a very personal moment. >> i go and see my wife. i said, "baby, i tell you what." we're not going to win tonight." >> stephen: that is actually my favorite sinatra song. hit it, johnny! ♪ baby, we're not gonna win tonight
♪ it would'a been a thrill to lock up hill ♪ but, baby, we're not gonna to night ♪ ( cheers and applause ) a little high. a little high. trump then went on to describe the moment that he realized victory was within his tiny grasp. >> you know, with the map-- bing! bing! bing! boy, that map was gettin' red as hell! that map, that map was bleeding red! >> stephen: wow. the fact that he was shocked on makes me feel closer to donald trump. i didn't know this. it turns out he also would have been unprepared to host my election night show. that would have been two of
a bit of a shocker. point is, we're all still dissecting what happened in this election. jill stein is demanding recounts, and hillary clinton is in the woods re-staging the debates with a dead squirrel. we'll get them. we're going to win this one. one thing that may have tipped the balance was wikileaks releasing thousands of clinton emails obtained by russian hackers. and we just found out how they did it. apparently, hackers sent hillary's campaign chairman, john podesta, a fake warning email telling him he had to change his password, and when the clinton folks clicked on it, russian hackers got access to all of his e-mails. i can't believe a trick this obvious took down the most sophisticated campaign in history. that would be like winnng world war ii by luring hitler out of his bunker with a fake lady hitler. by the way, fake lady h
my second favorite sinatra song ♪ fake lady hitler, goose-stepping into czechoslovakia ♪ no? no? ♪ fake lady hitler fake lady hitler ♪ i like your mustache i'm running towards you ♪ i'm gonna dash >> jon: hey, i like that. >> stephen: it was never released. sinatra never released that one. >> jon: yeah, the deep cut. >> stephen: and it gets even crazier because this hack never would have happened at all, except for one thing: when a podesta aide tried to verify if the hacker email was real, another staffer replied, "this is a legitimate email," when he had meant to type that it was an "illegitimate email." so that's it. there it is. the entire election hinged on a typo. it really legitimizes our democracy-- sorry, de-legitimizes. that's a t
i apologize for that. so now-- so now-- ( applause ) clapping for the end of democracy. ( cheers ) so now trump is getting ready to move into the white house, and he has announced his first decoration for the oval office-- a letter written to him by president nixon. he is going to mount it on the wall right next to his stuffed head of jeb bush. ( laughter ) now the letter was written-- it's a real letter, it was written in 1987 and it says: "dear donald, i did not see the program, but mrs. nixon told me that you were great on "the donahue show." as you can imagine, she is an expert on politics, and she predicts that whenever you decide to run for office, you will be a winner!" what pollster did pat nixon use, nostradamus? ( laughter ) but little-known fact: that wasn't the only letter nixon sent trump. we at "the late show" have obtained from our contacts deep within the national archives a
trove of hithertofore-- hithertofore-- hitherto-- unreleased correspondence from president nixon to president trump. these are the nixon trump letters. volume one. let me get into character here. i'm richard nixon! okay. i'm richard nixon. ( laughter ) booinga-booinga. "dear donald, i wasn't watching the tv, but pat tells me that you were excellent on wrestlemania. ( laughter ) i suspect the whole thing is a fraud." fraud. how can the macho man take that many folding chairs to the head? give my best to the hulkster. yours, dick." i'm reallye
character. >> jon: i see that. "dear donald, i did not see the program, but pat says you were wonderful on 'the fresh prince of bel-air.' just like him, on the playground was where i spent most of my days, chillin' out, maxin', relaxin', all cool. i hope when you run for office, you will use this experience to reach out to afro-americans. please remind them that lincoln was a republican. love, dick." ( laughter ) ( laughter ) this is me being casual. "dear donald, pat i have followed your campaign closely. how do you keep getting away with this (bleep)? ( laughter ) i mean-- i mean, leaked recordings sunk my reputation, and you talk about (bleep) and still get elected? you got some
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>> stephen: welcome! >> well done, everybody! >> stephen: isn't that nice? >> what's up! >> stephen: people leap to their feet for neil patrick harris. wait a second! you said you loved me a half an hour ago. congratulations. the laf time i saw you, you had not yet won your tony. congratulations. >> thank you very much! ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: that's a great achievement. >> it was so fun. >> stephen: tony is where it's at, man. anybody can win an emmy, right? i've got, like, nine of them, right, who's counting. oscars you can win for documentary short subject, and agreement has spoken word. tony you have to bring it live. you can't fake the tony. >> you can't fake the tony. it was super fun and exciting to do but we had a theatrical chapter tog
>> stephen sondheim's "company" at lincoln center. and you were so good. >> stephen: you did a beautiful job and i stood on stage with you. it was fantastic. there is video to prove it. >> that was not true. i was wildly underprepared. and you were so on your game -- >> we were all unprepared. we never rehearsed the show together until we did the show live in front of an audience. it's true. >> now you're just lying. >> stephen: it's what i do for a living. >> i had my script in my hand. i arrived a week later you guys. you were completely off book. you and martha plimton had scenes together, you can kunk-fu scenes together. >> stephen: a lot of sondheim is kung fu. >fu. i just did sinatra, my friend. the ability to do a musical. >> i don't mean skill set. >> stephen: i am out of h
no, i'm saying quite the opposite. i'm saying that you have the talent to do a musical, but you have this gig here -- >> it's nice to be on broadway every night. >> if you could do a musical, what would do you? >> stephen: "jesus christ superstar, ." do you know "jesus christ superstar." >> i've heard of it. >> stephen: what would you want? >> fake lady hitler. it's a great show. >> stephen: i'm telling you, there's an entire score "fake lady hitler." would you like to play hitler or fake lady hitler. >> i won a tony fer hedgewick. >> stephen: when you get a tontony can you walk up to any w and say, "i think you have tickets for me. 'hamilton'" is not sold out. how about for my friend, anthony. does he have tickets? you're doing well, and even though, like, you're a big star and everything like that, and i know you're probably rolling in it, you might
budget this christmas because your son, gideon-- you and your husband, david have, two beautiful children, gideon and harper. >> twins. >> stephen: and dpidon has put out a christmas list. this is what it is. it says, "1, bounce house." ( laughter ) "2--" and is this what it says-- "life-sized rocket ship." ( cheers and applause ) >> that's what he want s. >> stephen: did this get mailed to santa? >> not just yet. ( laughter ) that's-- that's what he's after. >> stephen: yeah. you live in the city, right? >> we live in the city! we have-- yeah air, brownstown in the city. that's what i said thoim, "where are we supposed to put a life-sized rocket?" >> stephen: is there a chance the rocket will come true? >> it might not be life-sized. but it will-- our daughter, harper, asked for pink karaoke
>> stephen: that's nice. >> pink? ( laughter ) i get the karaoke part. but does it need to be pink? >> stephen: she-- she is fine with, you know, western gender normative choices. >> yeah. >> stephen: and you are not to judge her for that. >> i don't judge the glirchg do not judge her choices. how she identifies is none of your damn business! >> that's true, that's true. and it's really santa's list. the other thing she asked for was a dollhouse, but a life-sized dollhouse for her. ( laughter ). >> stephen: how big was it? we actually have a photo. we have a photo right here. >> she's 48 inches tall. >> stephen: there's you and david and the kids. >> that was halloween. i said, "harper, a life-sized dollhouse is just a house. he's not going to get a house for you." and she said, "yeah." i said, "what is it with these giant gist t gifts? where do we put a
dollhouse that's large enough for you or a person?" and she said, "on the roof. we'll put it on the roof." >> stephen: with the rocket ship. >> so, yeah, it's going to be a late night on the 24th. >> stephen: you and david put out some incredibly adorable photos of you and the kids. this is your halloween photo, right? >> we do a fun halloween picture every year. >> stephen: do you ever feel like it's going to become an arm's race, like every year there's a cuter one. at some point you're going to peak out. and the kids are going to go, "dad, you totally failed this year. what is going on?" >> i don't worry about that because i just love halloween and i think it's super fun and a great opportunity to put on silly costumes and get scared eye love haunted hows." what i think is going to be tough is when they start dictating what the costumes are going to be. right now we can say, "we have a great idea. this is what we're going to do. old hollywood. see this, her name is marilyn monroe, and you're going to watch a little clip from marilyn monroe."
but in a year or two they're going to declare it has to be something else and that's the arms race. >> stephen: they will, absolutely. by the time they become teenagers, you'll be lucky if they talk to you, of course,. >> understood. >> stephen: your costume is, "you two are invisible." and we're going to go have fun. ( laughter ) we've got to take a little break. don't go no way-- >> don't go no way. >> stephen: don't go away. we'll be right back with more neil patrick harris.
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( applause ). >> stephen: hey! cheers! we're having a holiday cocktail here right now. >> old fashioned. >> stephen: it's an old fashioned right there. that's my holiday drink, and every day is a holiday. congratulationses -- cheers to you. congratulations on your new series, "a series of unfortunate events," on
you play-- do i have the right thing here? >> i play count olaf. >> stephen: you play your beloved count olaf. >> dafterdly count olaf. >> stephen: those are all you. >> yes. the sailor on the left there is captain sham. >> stephen: who is this lovely creature right there? >> her name is shirley st. ives. >> stephen: which one one of these costumes was hardest. it's a log of work. >> sham has a peg leg. you can't see it in that. >> stephen: this guy? he has a peg leg? >> i had to walk around with a peg leg and my leg-- up my butt. so that was hard. shirley had padding, so that was hard. going to the bathroom was tough as shirley. >> stephen: yeah? >> because i had, you know,
padding and then, like, spanx, to cover it all. you had to put all that on, and then when you had to pee, you had to take it all off and try not to get it everywhere and then you had to get it all back on again. >> stephen: what about this guy? >> stephano. i shaved my head every day for 22 days to do that. >> stephen: we have a clip here of the children meeting their-- >> meeting count olaf for the first time. >> stephen: for the first time. >> this happens friday the 13th of january, all of them on netflix. >> stephen: and they have gone through a series of unfortunate events already. >> their parents perished in a fire and they are sent to the closest living relative which olaf figures out is him because he lives six blocks away. he's not a relative but he figures that is the case. >> stephen: jim. >> hello, hello, hello, children.
i am count olaf, a renown actor and your new guardian. you're welcome. >> thank you. >> you're welcome. please, come in. and, mind you, wipe your feet on the mat so you don't track in any mud. and don't forget your enormous fortune. ( cheers and applause ) >> villainous. >> stephen: you are a very good villain, but, obviously, people love neil patrick harris. but you enjoy-- ( cheers )
are darker. it's very sonnenfelled, the executive producer, and it's based on kids' books and they were dark in theory and it's fun and you don't often get a chance to play someone who doesn't look like yourself and just be awful. >> stephen: one of the problems with christmas is that it's not-- it's not scary. >> it's not a scary holiday. >> stephen: it's not a scary holiday. >> no. >> stephen: but i think you're a good enough actor that you could probably make anything-- >> scary? include christmas. >> stephen: including christmas. >> if you don't mind, we have lyrics up here to a classic christmas carol. >> and would like you and i right now to try to make a christmas carol terrifying. >> through song? >> stephen: no, just say it. we could have a little music. >> all right. >> stephen: jim, could we make it a little spookier, scarier. oh, more dramatic.
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next guest. she is a very funny actress best known for her roles in "will & grace" and "parks and recreation." her new movie is "why him?" >> hi sandsome. >> you look great. >> oh, come on. >> no, you do. >> thank you. just getting in the holiday spirit, right? he ate it. >> stephen: please welcome the lovely megan mullally. ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ). >> hi! >> gorgeous! i like what you've done with the place. >> stephen: thank you very much. we dolled it up for the christmastime here. >> coled it up, yeah, thank you. >> stephen: how have you been? how is you
so far? >> oh, so christmasy. i never have time to do anything. we don't have a tree. we're going to take my 95-year-old mother to stee "why him?" >> stephen: and see james franco's butt crack. you guys went to a pretty fun party last night. >> oh, my gosh. >> stephen: was this just last night? >> last night. we took the train to d.c., and we went to the white house christmas party. and-- we -- >> this is outside. necessary like a portico, or something like that. this is inside with the big bow. >> this is before meeting president obama, and after. and so we got to meet president obama. and we had. ( cheers and applause ) we had, had the great good fortune to meet mrs. obama once before. so we got to speak to her, also, last night. i said all day, i was like, "i'm going to cry
not." so he came up, and -- >> he just came over to you? >> yeah, just me, singled me out of the crowd. strangers in the night. no, i'm note having a love affair with him. ( laughter ) he was coming down a line of people and we happened to be the very last people. and so he shook my hand, and he made a joke, and he was charming and amazing. and then i said, "listen, i-- i really love you. and we don't want you to go." ( cheers and applause ) yeah. he gave me a hug, and he said, "we're not going anywhere." ( applause ) oh! and he walked out the door, and, i mean-- i'm not talking about the cute single tear.
sobs, doubled over. nick had to get out his hanker chief and sort of block me from view because i was embarrassing myself. but, you know, i mean, that's the greatest president and first lady in any of our lifetimes. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: so far. >> so far gr so far. but we are going to get a new president soon. and you already have a working relationship with him. >> oh, good. oh, yeah. oh, this is perfect. >> stephen: this is the emmys, right? >> yeah. >> stephen: this is the emmys, 2006. there is you with the leader of the free world, doing "green acres." >> yes. >> stephen: there you are? >> see this photo, otherwise known as "my suicide note." >> stephen: but you worked with the guy. is there any chance-- is there any chance-- >> i heard they can be very tricky to write. so now it just saves me the
trouble. i worked with him. >> stephen: any chance you're going to get a cabinet position? >> do you have a barf bag back there. >> stephen: i have an old fashioned if you'd like that. what was he like to work with? >> oh, dreamy! >> stephen: you know, he's a pro. he's an entertainer. you gotta give him that much. >> you know what i like, he put on an undershirt and held a pitchfork. i have to give him-- no, i'm not giving him any points for anything. sorry! >> stephen: i gotta say, you gotta give him this. i don't think-- i don't think l.b.j. would have done this. i tonight think taft could have pulled this off. >> here's the real story -- >> lincoln could not carry this. >> this is a dumb thing they did on the emmies, called "emmy idol" which "american idol" was the big thing. they had people come on and do songs, different theme songs from shows and we did can the green acres" and i did it as the character of karen and well "will&grace." ea
to vote. >> stephen: wait, what? >> he wanted to win it. >> stephen: people were literally calling in to the emmys who see who would win. >> we won it. >> stephen: you're going to win and win and win until you're tired of winning so the next day-- no, wait. here's the grabber. yeah. so the next day, he-- i'm a lady-- he-- i was in my "will & grace" dressing room and the phone rang and it was donald trump. and he said, ", you know, what? we really needed to win that thing and we did." ( laughter ) "and you were a big part of that, so i just wanted to say that we really needed to win it, and not only did we win it, but i hear we killed them. it was a landslide." ( laughter ) >> stephen: congratulations, congratulations. >> so we did it. >> stephen: wow. he's still looking for a secretary of
( laughter ). >> if he felt that way about-- i have that pitchfork. i have that pitchfork. check this out-- if he inequality way about "emmy idol" how do you think he felt about the presidential election. >> stephen: wow, he probably had to take a cold shower afterwards. ( laughter ) we have to take a little break. we'll be right back with more megan mullally. ♪ ♪ ( applause ) the perfect gift so let him be a kid again make her sparkle and help him save the galaxy. at kohl's you'll save a little more with an extra 15% off and earn a little more with kohl's cash so you can give a little more this holiday. kohl's. are how clear windexith makes your windows? introducing...schmindex! look! windex makes glass too spotless
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ( applause ) >> stephen: we're back with megan mullally. megan, you and bryan cranston, in "why him?," the new film, and you play the parents of the daughter who ends up dating and gets engaged to-- >> james franco. >> stephen: who is a what in nthis? a billionaire. >> he's like a gaming billion air, a silicon valley gamey billionaire, and his first costume, the first day of shooting, was just a pair of pants with a little "b" crack and (bleep). >> stephen: i'm sure we're allowed to say (bleep) on cbs. the holidays are coming up, as we were talk
do you cook? >> no. i like eat! yeah. >> stephen: me, too. >> i really to. it keeps me alive. >> stephen: i'm really-- i'm kind of obsessed with this one show on food network called "chopped." >> everybody loves it. heard about it, never seen it. >> stephen: it's a couple of ingredients and those few ingredients, usually weird, and they have to make a meal out of just those ingredients. we every so often on this show do a shorter version-- we can't do the whole show. >> yes. >> stephen: it's called smooshed. >> i see where this is going. >> stephen: would you be interested in competing on tonight's episode of "smooshed?" >> i guess i would. >> stephen: jim? s welcome to "smooshed: holiday edition". of course, megan,
compete against yourself. you have to compete against a true champion. so please welcome a fierce competitor, your husband, nick offerman. >> what! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: nick, thank you so much. please, ladies and gentlemen. >> they can out. shake it out. >> stephen: ladies and gentlemen, here we go. here are the rules: you will be given your own basket of mystery ingredients, and you must use every ingredient in the basket in the basket in some way. also available to you is our pantry. it's stocked with every ingredient i could grab from the supermarket holiday aisle before they threw me out. and also... there's a bottle of bourbon.
the winner of smooshed will receive a donation to the charity of his or her choice courtesy of-- and where's my ice cream-- of stephen colbert's americone dream fund. all right. all right. americone dream: i give all the money to charity, so buy it, or you hate the children. ( laughter ) megan, you are competing for the southern poverty law center. yes. >> and, nick, you are competing for the americans civil liberties union. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: tonight, remember, whoever is victorious civil rights will win tonight. but civil rights will also lose. so, smooshers, let's take a look at your mystery ingredients. the ingredients are honey baked ham-- at least i hope it's
honey baked, because otherwise it shouldn't be that sticky. next, a fruitcake. very few people like fruitcake, but remember: you're also allowed to use whatever ingredients you can dig out of the cake. finally, chocolate gelt. there should be more of those, but the dreidels were loaded. you're a cheater jonah! i will be your sole judge tonight. you will be graded on presentation, transformation of the ingredients, and whether i am willing to put your dish in my mouth. if your dish doesn't make the cut, you will be smooshed. are you ready competitors. >> yes. >> stephen: are you ready? >> ready. >> stephen: jim, put 60 seconds on the clock, and begin. megan, what's your plan? what are you working on? ( cheers and applause ) >> i'm working on a piece of ham -- >> do you have a plan in mind, megan? >> not really. >> stephen: no plan at all. >> it's going to be delicious, though. >> stephen: nick, what is your plan today? >> i'm going to use the bourbon to fuel my c
reindeer jerky, by the way. that is reindeer jerky. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: all right. ( laughter ) >> stephen: any cultural influences, nick? any cultural influences from your home country? >> this is my family christmas dish. it's called the devil's mess. >> stephen: all right, megan, how's it going over here, megan? are you feeling the pressure? you have 12 seconds left on the clock. >> i'll feeling the burn. i'm feeling, the winning spirit. >> stephen: it is five, four, three, two, one. ( buzzer ). >> stephen: freeze! please finish, please finish. >> what did you do? bourbon and -- >> we have come to the end of our competition. >> you have bourbon and -- >> it is time for you to be judged. megan please present your dish. can we get a shot of the
it's beautiful. >> thank you. >> stephen: what is it we're looking at today? >> this is something that will fit in your mouth. this is something-- this is something edible, that you can eat. >> stephen: what is it called? >> it is called... the thing you will eat. ( laughter ). >> stephen: i'm sure it sounds better in french. and did we-- did we remember to put a fork out here? and we did not i will eat it with a knife. >> i have a fork. >> stephen: thank you very much, nick. extra point right there. >> no! >> stephen: what i in here? >> we have some ham. we have some of the cranberry cake. we have some crumbled ginger keeks. we have eggnog puree. and popcorn. popcorn is corn. so that's what we have. >> stephen: mmm. mmmm. that is surprisingly... salty. ( laughter ) for something with that much eggnog. all right, thank you very much. that puts you on the naughty
>> stephen: megan, i'm sorry, you have been smooived. >> oh! cruel! >> stephen: it was-- it was too wet. ( laughter ) >> that's what they all say. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: merry christmas, everybody! >> stephen: check out megan in "why him?" opening december 23 and also on stage with nick offerman in "summer of 69: no apostrophe" january 14 in irvine, california. megan mullally and nick offerman everyone!
late show." tune in tomorrow when my guests will be james franco, michael stipe, and comedian gad elmaleh. now stick around for james corden and his guests, natalie portman and annette bening. good night! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ♪ where you come from it's gonna be all right ♪ it's the late, late show >> ladies and gentlemen, all the way from lake minute tonga minnesota, give it up for