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tv   The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon  NBC  March 3, 2016 11:35pm-12:38am EST

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jiy llon toght,s gu -- arreliam priyan choa, sical gulorettnn, and featuring the legendary roots crew. >> questlove: 430, texas! >> steve: and now, here he is, jimmy fallon! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh! that's a hot crowd right there! i love it. i feel the love! i feel the love!
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welcome to "the tonight show," everybody. thank you so much for being here. [ cheers and applause ] i'm your host, jimmy fallon. i was going to tell a bunch of jokes about donald trump, but i think today mitt romney told pretty much all of them. [ laughter ] that's right, mitt romney gave a big speech against donald trump today and said, quote, "a business genius he is not." [ laughter ] then romney was like, "yoda, my speechwriter is." [ laughter and applause ] romney also said trump's promises are as worthless as a a degree from trump university. [ audience oohs ] then trump said, "or as worthless as a romney 2012 poster." [ laughter and applause ] during his speech, mitt romney also said donald trump is playing the american public for a free ride to the white house and, quote, "all we get is a a lousy hat." [ laughter ] not to mention a $30 picture of how scared we all look on the
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[ laughter and applause ] get this, i saw that the google search "how to move to canada" started trending after -- [ laughter ] you can't make it up, man. >> steve: you can't make it up. >> jimmy: the google search "how to move to canada" started trending after donald trump's impressive showing on super tuesday. [ light laughter ] or as canadians put it, "great, now we need to build a wall." [ laughter and applause ] was asked yesterday to describe her husband in one word. check out what she said. >> what's the one word, you think, that describes him? >> amazing heart. amazing mind. leader. that's what i say. leader. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: when asked to word melania said, "math
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[ laughter and applause ] here's some news out of washington. i read that the defense department is inviting hackers to test its cyber security in a a new program called "hack the pentagon." which will be followed by another new program called "okay, please stop hacking us. it's not funny anymore. [ laughter ] it's a horrible idea. why did we think of this?" program. [ applause ] i read major airlines will introduce a new class of service called "basic economy" that offers lower price tickets for less amenities. [ light laughter ] it's a good deal, but i don't know what to think about some of these basic economy check this out. first feature is -- now the same thing. [ laughter ] >> steve: that seems like not good. >> jimmy: then instead of boarding by row, airlines will it." that's rude. >> steve: that's rude. >> jimmy: that's not gonna work. >> steve: that seems like more >> jimmy: they're also changing
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luxury cars just seem like they would be top awarded. there better be some awards behind what you are paying for, right. the final answer. chevy. the most awarded car company two years in a row. wow, it's like a luxury car. i was shocked. i mean it's like, this is chevy? current qualified gm lessees can get a sign and drive lease on this chevy cruze limited for around $179 per month. find new roads at your local chevy dealer. my house. my house, too! my bed, my squeaky toy... my goodness is that smokymeatytasty- bacon?? you like bacon? i do backflips for bacon! i make beelines for bacon! i'm gonna beat you to bacon! (vo) what makes dogs do the crazy things they do?
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ma yways, wtoe tonight sh lighla at just happen m so ist lik ah, itmy: this is u 'se onight show hashtags." here we go. [ cheers and applause ] hashtags hashtags >> jimmy: you guys are on twitter, right? are you on twitter? [ cheers and applause ] it's fun. well, we use twitter on our show every single week, so if you watch our show and you want to play along we do this thing every wednesday where i send out a hashtag, and we ask you guys to tweet out things based on that topic. so since astronaut scott kelly and his brother mark are being studied by nasa to determine the effects of space on the body, i went on twitter and started a hashtag called "my sibling is weird." [ light laughter ] and i asked you guys to tweet out something funny, weird or embarrassing about your sibling. i tweeted out that my sister used to wear a bike helmet when she went on the swing in our back yard.
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then she tweeted my brother would wear a football helmet to go -- and she's right. it wasn't a bike helmet. it was a football helmet. because we had a tree swing and my grandfather was really nervous that we'd hit our heads on the swing. >> steve: so he made you wear football helmets. >> jimmy: so we both wore football helmets. [ laughter ] it was so weird. but also we had a chain link fence, so every kid who rode their bike buy would just look at us and be like, "those weirdos, man." [ light laughter ] and loners too. what's wrong with those kids? [ laughter ] well, we got thousands of tweets. within 30 minutes it was a a trending topic in the u.s. so thank you for those tweets. [ cheers and applause ] i had a weird childhood. i also had -- i had a a basketball hoop. my dad got me a basketball hoop. and i guess my mom and my dad. actually, it was santa. [ laughter ] >> steve: neither your mom nor -- dad. no. santa claus. but he didn't want to put it on the garage because it was an going to fall down. he thought a basketball would knock it down. sveok, re. i'm gonna go with it. >> jimmy: whatever, dad. yeah. it's such a dad thing. in my back yard.
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but -- [ laughter ] near impossible. >> steve: but if you fall -- >> jimmy: again, a chain link fence. >> steve: a lot safer. >> jimmy: i'm wearing a a football helmet. dribbling -- >> steve: dribbling on grass. [ light laughter ] "something's wng with them." "don't talk to him." [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: don't talk to the fallons. >> steve: don't talk to them! >> jimmy: there's something wrong with them. here are some of my favorite "my sibling is weird" tweets from you guys. here we go. this first one is from @aberlean. she says "my sister watches dateline to make sure her husband isn't living a double life." [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> steve: did she think they're going to catch him on that episode? >> jimmy: "they had the perfect marriage -- or did they?" >> steve: he was living a a double life. >> jimmy: it was a fun cruise. [ light laughter ] >> steve: until they discovered -- >> jimmy: until they discovered the first deck. [ light laughter ] this one is from @missgreenwalt. she says, "my sister made a a secret handshake with me so we could test each other in case one of us was ever b a ug [ pl s
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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: my thanks to pharrell williams, priyanka chopra, jesse frederick, loretta lynn once again! [ cheers and applause ] and the roots right here from philadelphia, pennsylvania, ladies and gentlemen. [ cheers and applause ] stay tuned for "late night with seth meyers." thank you for watching. have a great night, and i hope to see you tomorrow. thank you so much. bye-bye.
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[ cheers and applause ] >> announcer: from 30 rockefeller plaza in new york, it's "late night with seth meyers." tonight -- tina fey. star of "grandfathered," actor john stamos. from "saturday night live," comedian jay pharoah. featuring the 8g band with patrick carney. [ cheers and applause ] ladies and gentlemen, seth meyers! >> seth: good evening, everybody. i'm seth meyers, this is "late night." how is everybody doing tonight? [ cheers and applause ] that is great to hear. in that case, let's get to the news. former nominee, mitt romney gave a speech today to try to stop
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republican nomination. and in a related story, a japanese soldier fired his rifle at godzilla. [ laughter ] that's not enough to stop him. mitt romney gave a speech at the university of utah this morning, critical of donald trump. and in it, he said trump's promises are as worthless as the degree from trump university. then romney dropped the mic and it broke his toe. [ laughter ] ben carson sat out tonight's 11th republican debate and kind of the first ten. [ laughter ] chris christie was asked today about his vacant expression during donald trump's super tuesday victory speech, and told reporters, "i wasn't anything other than happy." well, if that expression means you are happy, then my wife was thrilled when i forgot her birthday. [ laughter ]


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