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tv   CBS This Morning  CBS  November 22, 2016 7:00am-9:00am EST

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nanu, nanu. [ scraping ] [ thud ] oh! there i go. missed the mark again. one mistake after another. oh, dear, aunt clara. phooey! ooh! well, we all make mistakes. uh, my mistake? oh, no, dear. no, no. [ chuckles ] no, i'm finished. huh? i'm going to give it up oh, something useful, like a footstool or -- now, you listen to me. aunt clara, you get that thought right out of your head. i've just come from a meeting with endora, hagatha, and enchantra. and they've been a whole hour trying to put it into my head. oh, no! yes. oh, well. well, they were right. hagatha said...
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or did she say "broom"?
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okay, you can forget about that prospectus
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you want to know why? ow. because while you've been slow-poking your way along, showing morton what we can do on paper, the whittle agency's been doing something creative. that's why. creative like what? they're going to put ginger, morton's world-famous guernsey cow, on display in the lobby of this building, next week, all week, which happens to be national milk week, so that people will gape through the window and then run -- not walk -- to the neighborhood market and buy a quart of morton's milk. how about that? well, that's pretty creative. if you think you can get ahead in this business riding on hard work and talent, you're crazy. [ telephone rings ] hello! samantha: hi, sweetheart. guess what. aunt clara just stopped by for a visit. [ sighs ] that kind of news i don't need. darrin, i'm worried about her. she's terribly depressed. she's talking about giving up -- retirement!
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she's been talking about changing herself into something, permanently -- something useful. uh, sam! darrin, i thought if i brought her into town, and we took her someplace special for lunch, it might lift her spirits -- if you'll excuse the expression. [ groans ] oh, it would mean so much to her -- you taking us both to lunch. uh...okay, honey. oh! would you mind stopping at the jewelers and picking up my watch? i meant to this morning, but i forgot. oh, sure. oh, and louise is gonna babysit. mmm. oh, w-well, w-what if tabitha suddenly decides to, uh, you know? no, no, don't worry. no, i'll put tabitha down for her nap before i leave. okay, sweetheart. bye-bye. uh, bye, sweetheart. aunt clara, guess what. you and i g--
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aunt clara, is that you? i can't even make it as a potted plant. oh, why not? can't you see i'm wilting? [ ding! ] there must be something i could change myself into where i wouldn't make mistakes. aunt clara, the only thing i want you to change is your hat. and we're gonna do that by buying you the prettiest one we can find. oh! oh, i must say, aunt clara, you do look lovelier in daisies than you did in philodendron leaves. and you're much better company here than you would have been if you'd gone out to pasture. oh, well, thank you, dear. and thank you so much for the hat. it was time that i got a new one. [ chuckles ] [ gasps ] time! oh! oh, i forgot. i forgot darrin's watch. oh, oh, dear. oh, it'll take me at least 15 minutes
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but it would only take me a second to pop over and back. promise you won't tell. me tell? oh, certainly not. uh, tell what? aunt clara, you wait right here. i'll be -- i'll be back in a flash. [ ding! ] in a flash. huh. probably easier to get than a taxi. [ chuckles ]
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not wilting. now, you know, when i was a plant, the trouble -- my, uh, uh -- my -- do you mind? this is private. [ cow mooing ] man #1: i got explicit instructions to bring her in here. man #2: i'm giving you new explicit instructions. get that cow out of here. will you listen, already? this is ginger. it's tallulah. look, i didn't hear nothin' about allowin' any cow to loiter in the lobby of any building on my beat. listen... why don't we nicely call up mr. whittle? he's the advertising man. he's right in the building here. he'll come down, and he'll explain to you that he's the one that got me the clearance to bring ginger in here. i'll tell you what. i'll even use my own dime.
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oh, isn't this all cute? well, of all things -- [ mumbling ] oh. [ ding! ] oh, well, hello, there. going up? going up with you would be like going to heaven.
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would you mind going up to heaven without me? i'm very busy looking for someone. there's some beauts in the lobby today. talk about fruitcakes. fruitcakes? i don't care how long i live. i ain't never gonna get so sophisticated that an old dame talking to a plant one minute and a cow walking around the lobby the next ain't a novelty. a cow? a cow. a c-- uh, wh-where? where? around the corner. how about it? you want to take a ride with me? fly to heaven? next trip. aunt clara? aunt clara? aunt clara. oh! aunt clara! a cow, of all things! and in darrin's building. well, this is hardly out to pasture.
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yes. yes, sir. [ gasps ] a policeman. that's all we need. [ moos ] no, shh! no. don't try to talk. i better get you home. [ ding! ] oh, louise must be upstairs with tabitha. what happened to my ginger? you made me lose my cow. louise: samantha, is that you? hi, louise. i'll be right up. oh, no, no, no, no. i'll be right down. tabitha's asleep. ooh! aunt clara, dear, you go into the kitchen. uh, i'll try and get rid of her. ooh! [ ding! ] how come you're back so early? oh, hi, louise. i can't thank you enough for staying with tabitha. if i can ever return the favor, don't hesitate to call me.
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oh, that's right. you don't. well, then why am i leaving? because i'm in such a hurry. oh! sure. sure. thanks a lot, louise. boy. you can say that again. [ sighs ] [ snaps ] [ ding! ] oh, dear. aunt clara. being a cow is no solution to anything. change yourself back. don't tell me you've forgotten how. [ telephone rings ] hello? samantha? i thought you were coming in for lunch. what happened? i've been worried. s-something came up. oh, w-well, that is, s-something happened. aunt clara's sort of, um... indisposed. sort of indisposed? what does that mean? oh, nothing serious. she'll be all right.
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oh, y-y-yeah, sure, sure. o-okay. uh, g-goodbye. sort of indisposed? oh, now, aunt clara, you know i can't change you back. you just have to do that yourself. why not try to relax a little-- rest a little first? how about a nice glass of warm milk? warm milk! what am i saying? yes, samantha, what are you saying? oh, well, uh, louise. d-didn't you leave a couple of minutes ago? gave me the wrong jacket. oh, well, i'm sorry, louise. i must have been thinking about the cow. i'm not quite used to it yet -- having one, i mean. oh, but as soon as i am, i'll call you. all right? all right. oh, aunt clara. a cow?
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want to know why the whittle agency may lose the morton milk account and we may get another whack at it? well, i suppose, uh -- because whittle has gone and lost c.l. morton's cow. that's why. larry, i would like to shake hands with a man who really knows how to gloat. world's champ. they're down in the lobby. whittle's about to have a nervous breakdown, and c.l. morton wants to put the entire city under arrest for cow-napping! let's go. come on. you're through delivering cows, mister. i hope you know that. i got a missing cow on my hands! ha, if she were on your hands, she wouldn't be missing. oh, you're gonna give me logic, right -- policeman's logic? you got something against policemen? yeah. a missing cow on my hands. that's what i got against policemen! man: don't worry, mr. morton. i'll get to the bottom of this. aunt clara? aunt clara! oh. oh, darrin. darrin, what are you doing here? what do you mean me?! what are you doing here?
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oh, my goodness. i've goofed again. no, no. stay right here. i'm gonna call home and check this out with sam. stay right here. every endeavor is being made to find your cow ginger. and i give you my word that -- what are you doing here, tate? well, i thought i might be of some assistance. is something wrong? something wrong? why, this numskull whittle -- mr. tate, your secretary says to get on the horn to your wife right away -- very important. later. i think i'd better have a visit with mr. tate here. rton, if you'd only have a little patience. your secretary said your wife said to call her now, not later. if i was you, pal -- now, look here, young man. okay, okay! i wouldn't take on both of 'em -- a wife and a secretary. all right, all right. i get the message. excuse me for a minute, mr. morton. sam, what i'm trying to say is, i think you misplaced aunt clara.
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oh, darrin, don't be ridiculous. she's standing right next to me eating her oats. i think you made a little mistake. a mistake? sam's got a what in their where? a cow? what kind of a cow? sam, honey, aunt clara's here in the lobby. i-i-if she's there, then who -- who have i got here, and what was she doing in your lobby? what difference does it make? really? the point is, since you're practically next door, why don't you just pop over and fix things, if you know what i mean. it must be worse than i thought. that's right. i'll be waiting for you in the lobby, honey. things are sort of crowded in spots, if you know what i mean. yeah, uh, all right. bye. uh, something on your mind, lar? yeah. are you out of yours? i said get the account, not steal the cow!
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ginger. ginger? do you or do you not have a cow in your living room? no, i don't know what you're talk-- i was just talking to louise, and she said she saw a cow standing in your living room. larry, you don't think -- you don't think that our cow is the morton cow! hadn't we better get over there, see what's going on? darrin, what do you want with a cow? actually, i don't want one at all. it's all sam's idea. she's on a big economy kick, like a lot of the housewives are -- baking their own bread and growing their own vegetables. well, sam wants to grow our own milk and butter and cheese, cream, the whole bit. why didn't she tell louise? uh, probably afraid she'd steal the idea. [ both chuckle ] steal the idea? hadn't we better get over there? yeah. sure, sure. let's get over there. now, you've had enough, whoever you are. you're gonna have to go back a different way than you came if that lobby's as crowded as darrin says.
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't i think of that before? [ ding! ] oh, well, aren't you cute? okay. you'll be back to normal in a minute. [ ding! ] if you want to blame anybody, blame the fuzz. if he don't bug me, i don't lose her. policeman: look, nobody's got any right dumping a cow on my beat anyhow! [ scoffs ] beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, and, boy, is it ever in the eyes of this beholder. your chariot awaits. how nice. five, please. [ elevator whirs ] honey, going up with you is like going to heaven. i bet you say that
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only the class-a, number-one lookers, like you. all day long, fat dames, skinny dames, tall dames, short dames, old dames. only one in a hundred is a doll like you. [ ding! ] i don't get many like you. only maybe 15%. i guess i'm giving the eye to the right percentage, though, huh? aaah! 's what you're gonna get! you know how many years you can get for hitting a civilian? whittle: mr. morton, i am convinced that there is dirty work afoot. there has to be, with that man hanging around here like a vulture. are you pointing your stubby little finger at me, whittle? larry, take it easy. oh! sam. all this fuss about a cow? well, where is it? coming down. coming down?
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there she is! there's my ginger! oh, there's my baby! [ laughs ] ah, papa's little girl. yes, sir! [ laughs ] that's my little girl. aw, isn't that sweet? you see, everything turns out for the best. yeah, when you're around to give everything a big assist, it does. yes, you do. well. for adults with advanced non-small cell lung cancer previously treated with platinum-based chemotherapy, including those with an abnormal alk or egfr gene who've tried an fda-approved targeted therapy, this is big. a chance to live longer
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well, as i said, i goof, goof, goof, goof and spoil everything for everybody. oh, i wish i were a doorknob. now, aunt clara, you've got to stop blaming yourself. yeah, let samantha take a couple of bows. [ telephone rings ] i'll get it. [ doorbell rings ] i'll get the door. hello? samantha: yes? oh, larry. what? well, that's great. what cinched the deal? oh. oh, really? when you told mr. morton that sam and i were such cow fanciers? well, what did you tell him a thing like that for? what difference does it make, as long as it cinched the deal? well, thank you very much. mr. morton is sending us a little something? [ door closes ] oh, that's very nice. yeah, okay, larry. uh, yeah. uh, goodbye.
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ah. on account of we're such cow fanciers. and mr. morton is sending us a little something. oh. i-is that good? mm-hmm. well, wh-when is he sending it? he already has. that was the deliveryman. he's bringing mr. morton's "little something" around back. [ chuckles ] you see, aunt clara? all of your mistakes turn out to be... wonderful mistakes. [ chuckles ] oh, really, samantha. including the cows. what cows? ones from mr. morton. [ mooing ] thanks a lot, aunt clara. yes. thank you, aunt clara. oh. well, you're very welcome.
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well, it takes all kinds, you know. follow me. follow me. mother, would you please stop bouncing around
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come here and sit down. samantha, your aunt clara is in trouble. well, what's unusual about that? my dear, i am serious. we all spent the weekend at lady montague's castle in scotland, and, my dear, it was positively embarrassing. your aunt clara made one devastating move after another. so hagatha and enchantra and i decided that she'd reached the point where she should be made earthbound. [ gasps ] so we're going to put her on trial. may have the witch's alternative of turning herself into an inanimate object, like a salad bowl or a lamp or a teakettle or whatever -- something that's useful. well, i think this whole thing is unfair, unreasonable, and inhuman -- uh, i mean unwitchly. well, i'm glad you feel that way. it'll make your job a lot easier. job? your aunt clara has chosen you to be her defense attorney.
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here? judge bean will preside. judge bean? see you then, darling.
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honey, is breakfast ready? you only have time for a sip of coffee. what are you talking about? it's only 8:30. [ ding! ] it's later than you think. look. holy cow! oh, me too. i've got a lot of work to do. [ knock on door ] what was that? what was what? it sounded like someone at the back door. oh, you must be hearing things. now, you're not going to tell me you didn't hear that. i'm not? i mean, i guess i'm not. it must be the diaper service. i better dash. you don't want to be late. i'll see you tonight. drive carefully. [ ding! ] [ knock on door ]
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as if i didn't know. [ chuckles ] hi, there, aunt clara. come on. oh! oh. whoo! d-d-do you know that one of your chimneys leads to the furnace? oh, dear! here, give me this. give me the brolly. i'll clean you up. then you'll feel better. oh, good. [ ding! ] there! oh! ce! you like it? oh, thank you, dear. thank you. yes, you look lovely. now, come on, sit down. sit down. make yourself comfortable. you want some coffee? no, thanks. all right. well, what's new? nothing. oh, nothing. oh, didn't you spend the weekend at lady montague's castle? oh, yes, yes. i had a lovely time -- lovely. except for one little incident. what happened?
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one of lady montague's dogs. ooh, how awful! yeah, it was a disaster. lady montague must have been terribly angry. no, no. she was furious. and she said she couldn't believe that anyone's aim could be as poor as that. did you apologize? oh, certainly not. i told her my aim was perfect, and she should have told me we were hunting for birds. oh, poor aunt clara. well, maybe i should be earthbound. well, who said anything about that? well, what i want to say is that i -- [ ding! ] clara, samantha knows about the trial. oh, she does, does she? oh. well, then i won't have to worry about how to bring up the subject.
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well, now, i think i'll go to the den and rest until the trial. hello, larry? i'm here at the office, and i -- well, i just happened to get here a little early, uh, that's all. remember that the next time i ask for a raise. anyway, i rushed out of the house so fast, i forgot to take along the ganzer garage door file. g it up? it's in the bottom right-hand drawer of my desk. thanks a lot, larry. now, aunt clara, we have to get to work on your defense. what you need is a basic refresher course. stand up. come on. first, the basic abcs. digital control. see this pencil? yeah. good. now, i want you to levitate it and put it in that drawer.
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entrate. take good aim. go on. aim. [ doorbell rings ] oh, keep working, aunt clara. i'll be right back. move! [ ding! ] good morning, sam. sorry to barge in like this, but darrin asked me to stop by and get some papers from his desk. it's right in the den. aunt clara: samantha! uh, s-s-samantha! uh, y-you know my aunt. uh, larry tate, aunt clara. aunt clara. yeah. yes, yes. what are you looking for? the desk! the desk? yes, uh -- [ gasps ]
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how happy i am you came by. there's something very important i've been meaning to ask you. sure. what is it? well, it's about tabitha. what college do you feel would be right for her? but she's only a year and a half old. now, you papers and drawers -- you get back in there. [ ding! ] and now, you desk, no nonsense. you go back in the den where you belong. [ ding! ] [ gasps, stammers ] sam, i really should get the ganzer papers and go. oh, but, larry, we haven't even discussed the eastern college versus the western college. well, i think it's really a matter of individual -- ? when the saints ? ? when the saints ? ? when the saints come marching in ? aunt clara... uh, dear, uh, mr. tate hasn't got time
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that are in darrin's desk. you mean the one that's back in the den? that -- that's it. yes. uh, in the den, larry. help yourself. [ chuckles ] ooh! oh. samantha. mm-hmm. if you want to resign as my defense counsel, i understand. [ ding! ] if i were you -- oh! oh. you scared the life out of me. ...i'd take her up on that. no, mother, i said i'd defend her, and i meant it. [ horn honks ] oh, well, it's about time.
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judge. thank you, judge, so much. oh, endora, dear. enchantra! you poor dear, clara. sorry to be late. we were caught in the eye of a hurricane. of course, hagatha. oh! oh, you found it. yes. sam, you ought to talk to darrin about straightening out that desk of his. i will, i will. oh, i had one suggestion about a college for tabitha. well, i'm just dying to hear it, larry, some other time. [ horn honks ] that will be all, macbeth. bye.
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i don't believe you know my niece. samantha, this is his honor, judge bean. uh, h-h-how do you do?
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l we begin, your honor? very well. ladies, if you would stand. [ thunder crashes ] clara, if you please. well, don't dawdle! oh, never mind! [ ding! ] [ ding! ] hear ye, hear ye!
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proceed! the witches' coven versus aunt clara. well, read the charges! [ ding! ] "the coven charges that the defendant "has repeatedly failed in the practice of witchcraft, "and that, as a result, "privileges, and benefits deriving from membership in the witches' community." in the folder that mr. tate picked up at my house. you did? these are my income-tax reports. that's what was in the folder? marvelous. i'll just have to go home and rummage through my desk. this concludes the case for the prosecution. and a very good case, too. aunt clara. [ sighs ]
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very well. i guess i'll just have to prove that aunt clara does have all of her powers. excuse me, your honor. first, ordinary manipulation. aunt clara, make it come to you. [ tinkles ] now, perhaps we should have aunt clara conjure up something. let's see. i wo-- [ vehicle approaching ] excuse me.
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what shall we have her conjure up? how about something nice and cold? i'm dying of thirst. all right. that sounds easy enough. easy for you. [ tinkles ] [ ding! ] [ doorbell rings ] [ ding! ] yes? oh, darrin! uh, my key wouldn't open the door. that's because i double-locked it. but it opens the door even when it's double-locked. oh. then i must have triple-locked it. well, do you mind if i come in? yes. i-i mean, i just decided to wax the front hall. oh, you mean you want me to come in the back door. no, no, no, no.
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i need the ganzer garage door account. oh! well, you go around to the den window. i'll get them for you. [ gasps ] what's that? something nice and cold. oh, aunt clara, please, wait until i get back. [ gasps ] would you like to try for two out of three? uh, thank you. any special kind of drink? something tropical would be nice. something tropical... coming up. [ ding! ] [ chuckles ] here you are, sweetheart. thank you.
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oh! sam -- sam! these are the wrong papers! i'll be right back. [ ding! ] darrin, what are you doing? sam, these are the bills from glazer's garage. oh, i'll get you the right ones. never mind. i'll get them myself. or has the carpet just been waxed? [ laughs ] don't want to let me in there. you do? mm-hmm. finally figured it out. ladies' club, right? sort of. is it the committee for the bazaar? oh, i'd certainly call them a bizarre committee. [ ding! ] [ barking ]
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silence! the accused will please rise and face the court. the court has reached a verdict. [ witches sobbing ] they usually cry after the bazaar, when they see how much they've lost. oh, wouldn't this make you sick? let's have the decision! beginning tomorrow morning at daybreak, you shall be... earthbound! well, i'll have a lot of company, won't i? well, i...must be going now.
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well! [ chuckles ] no. goodbye. goodbye, my dears. darrin: sam, what happened to my desk? it's a mess! oh, uh, goodbye, everybody! [ thunder crashes ] yes, darrin? um, i-i-i -- i-i'd better be going. wait. where are you going? samantha, there comes a time in a person's life when his health takes precedence over everything. i'm going to lie down. aunt clara, you saved my life.
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just waved my arms and everybody disappeared. yes!
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so, you see, darrin, there wasn't anything else i could do. well, i had to help aunt clara. but, as it turned out, she helped herself. well, she didn't do me any good. i've got a news flash for you, sam. people have been known to crack up under circumstances a lot less weird than seeing polar bears, dogsleds, and palm trees in their living room. probably because they're weird-prone. fortunately, you're not. [ doorbell rings ]
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oh, uh... aunt clara, why are you using the front door? well, i thought after last night, i'd better not stretch my luck. you don't have anything to worry about. the judge reversed his decision, didn't he? well, what choice did he have after that magnificent piece of witchcraft i came up with? uh, aunt clara. aunt clara? just between you and me, we both know it was just a mistake. was it? wasn't it? samantha... now, if darrin had been witnessing that scene, it would have been very disastrous for you. mm-hmm. oh, yes. well, then, you wouldn't, uh, let anything happen like that to someone you love? no. so i waved. you saw what happened. yes. yes, aunt clara, i certainly did. and long may you wave.
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oh, sorry. [???] -- captions by vitac -- hello, major healey. oh, hi, jeannie. jeannie, what are you doing here? i want to get married. you want to get married? you want to get married! do you realize all the problems that would involve? i mean, i'm an astronaut, and you're a genie. boy, i worked hard to get where i am. boy, do you realize all the sacrifices i'd have to be making if i married you? i tell you what. we can get married sunday. we'll go up to las vegas, have a good time there. then we can go to switzerland. we'll have our own chalet. we'll take our time-- major healey, i cannot marry you. of course you can. listen, i can get a ring. i'm in love with major nelson. well, it's too bad. we'd have made a handsome-looking couple.
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ry me. i would be a wonderful wife for him. well, maybe he's just not ready to get married yet. well, what is it that makes a man want to get married? well, a lot of guys look for the three c's in a marriage. "the three c's"? yeah. cooking, cleaning and cuddling. "cooking, cleaning and cuddling." oh, i can do that. jeannie, you're too eager. you got to play hard to get. "hard to get." ah, that's right. oh. ah. thank you, major healey. come to the wedding. mm. whose side am i on, anyway?
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[???] mm! mm. ? doo-doo-doo ? [car approaches] oh.
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good evening, master. w-what's going on here? i've prepared all of your favorite dishes. [chuckles] it just smells wonderful, jeannie. you shouldn't have gone to all that trouble. oh, it was no trouble. as a matter of fact, i'm not terribly hungry-- you should've seen what they had at the wedding. have you seen the newspaper, master? yeah, yeah, i did. oh, about the wedding. i remember what the girl wore. she had one of-- did you read about the floods in europe? billy nopar and i were talking about it. oh, you know, when he put the ring on, he-- dinner is served. oh, darling, should we be doing this? we've got to grab our happiness while we can. oh. who knows? tomorrow i may be in orbit, lost somewhere among the shining stars. oh, roger, i worry about you so.
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what are you doing here? what am i doing here? what are you doing here so late? oh. we have a breakfast appointment tomorrow, and i thought maybe you'd like to look nice and fresh. and i want to look nice and fresh, too, for you. we can have a nice time together. ha-ha-ha, oh, i know. you're very interesting, too. what are you doing here? [knocking] [laughing] tomorrow morning. the base breakfast. [laughs] jeannie, you've got to learn to knock. it did not do any good. no, it did not do any good. not for me, anyway. i mean, the advice you gave me. major nelson does not want to get married. yeah. well, did you use reverse psychology? well, yes. nothing will make him change his mind.
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because i am going to marry sweet, lovable major nelson. jeannie, i told you, tony is never gonna change his mind. there is one thing that will change his mind. what's that? of course it is forbidden. oh, hold it, young lady. whoa-- wait a minute. wh-what's forbidden? and also it could be very dangerous. what could be very dangerous? but i am afraid there is no other way. now, wait a minute, jeannie. if you're going to do something dangerous, you'd better tell me first. everything will be just fine. i think. she'll never get tony to marry her. i wonder what he would like for a wedding present. jeannie: "the spell of lahalabah is the most powerful "of all the spells. in all our history, it has never been known to fail." [squeals] goodie.
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r the spell. "a lock of hair, a piece of fingernail, and a small circle of cloth from his clothing." hm. that should not be too difficult. and then... [gasps] oh... mrs. anthony nelson. darling, i would like you to meet mrs. nelson. this is mrs. anthony nelson. this is tony's wife. oh! i will make him so happy. jeannie! oh. good evening, master.
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he life of me, figure out what i did with them. i left them upstairs, i left them downstairs. uh, jeannie it was in a little envelope about this big with a red stripe on it. said "confidential." no. no. isn't that funny? i wonder what-- master? yeah? sit down, master. hm? you need a haircut. jeannie, i haven't got time for a haircut. oh, your hair is much too long. now, don't you put those things on my head. oh, neatness counts. i haven't-- i really haven't got time. i've gotta get back to the base. i just came back to-- to get a clean shirt and pick up some papers. i'm going night flying tonight. night flying? for night flying you need a haircut and a manicure. oh, uh, thank you, jeannie, but for night flying i have my own barber. i'll look downstairs. just a tiny haircut.
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oh. a trim? all right, i'll change my shirt first. ah! will you be out late, master? yes. you might say that. ah, yes, i'm going to the aleutians. oh, that is near the south pole. no. in the north pole. oh, well, one pole is like another. i miss you so when you are away. well, there's nothing to worry about. i'm a very qualified pilot. and i'll see you when i see you. oh, will you kiss me goodbye? sure.
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was it? mm-mm. jeannie, there's something going on in that sweet little head of yours. i'd love to find out what it is, but i just don't have the time. what was that? oh, it was nothing. what was that? you'd better hurry, master, or you are going to be late for your flight. yeah. yeah, you're right. i'll go down, and i'll change and get a fresh tie. you better put some moth balls in my closet. goodbye. yeah. i-- i don't know what you're up to, but whatever it is, you're not gonna get away with it. goodbye, master. [laughs] [sings notes] "do you have the objects from your beloved?"
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em in a goatskin bag." goatskin bag. ? goatskin bag ? tie. here. ? fingernail ? hm. [mutters] ah. "are they in the bag?" yes. "then recite the incantation to lahalabah." [clears throat] "o great place where spirits dwell "hear thee now my magic spell "hair and nails and cloth of loom "make-- "fill in first and last name of subject of spell. "give middle initial, if any. "hair and nails and cloth of loom "make major anthony nelson, no middle initial, be my groom "ere another change of tide "make-- "fill in first and last name of person casting spell. "give middle initial, if any. ere another change of tide make jeannie--"
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"--be my master's bride" allah. it is done. tony: jeannie! jeannie! oh-- hi. i had to come back. oh, master, what are you doing here? i had to come back. you get that wedding outfit. when i come back from the aleutians tomorrow, we're getting married. oh. [laughs] did you hear something?
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oh, it is truly lovely. [gushes] [???] ee-- oh! ha-ha-haji. [giggles] what are you doing here? i have come to find out what you are doing. i?
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ation over your master. oh, just a little. "decree 720, paragraph six, subhead three. "it is forbidden for any genie to cast a love spell over her master." really? well, next time i will know better. would you like a cup of coffee? there shall be no next time. you will cancel the spell. oh, i do not wish to do that. you refuse? but i love him so very much, and he loves me. [squeaks] but-- but i did not even need the silly old spell. i am sure he would've married me anyway. i tell you for the second time. but i cannot cancel it. [squeaks] but all the arrangements have been made for the wedding.
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oh. well, just one tiny little spell will not do any harm. why do we not just forget it this time, and i-- you have been warned! oh. haji? haji? haji? i have been warned? [???] roger, how long is it gonna take you to pack? pack what? wh-where am i going? las vegas. you're gonna be my best man. your be--? you're getting married? yeah. you're getting married! well, congratulations, you sly dog. yeah. boy, you must've been keeping her under wraps. who's the lucky girl? jeannie. jeannie who? huh? jeannie? our jeannie? no. my jeannie. well, you can't marry her. why not? why not? well, she's-- roger, she's-- she's beautiful, and-- and-- and warm-hearted and kind. oh, that girl's perfect.
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ho. roger, we're gonna get married this afternoon. are you coming with us or not? look, if you get married, everyone's gonna want to meet your wife, right? yeah. well, i can hear it now. does your wife smoke? yes. what brand? oh, no brand. she just smokes. oh, excuse me, folks, while i get my wife out of the bottle. oh, dr. bellows will love that. that's just great. you're gonna be washed out. r-roger-- roger, don't worry. don't-- jeannie's not gonna let anything happen. you're really going through with this? of course i am. i can't explain it, roge, er wanted anything more in my whole life. are you coming with us? to las vegas? mm-hm. well, if you're gonna get married, that's the place to gamble. yeah. huh? [???] oh, yes, i have your reservation, mr. nelson. good. i am mrs. anthony nelson. we're not actually married yet. you're not? oh, but we will be as soon as the minister gets here.
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mm-hm. here's your key, miss. thanks. and yours, mr. nelson. oh. [bell dings] the bellboy will show you to your rooms. oh, dr. dawson, i have a message for you. call room 527. thank you. oh, hey, roge, the minister's gonna be here any minute. yeah-- wait a minute. this is my last dollar. you know, i've been here for five minutes, and i'm wiped out already. you know, you can't-- oh! i hit the jackpot. oh! roger. it's all right, officer. we'll meet you up in the room. four-twelve. four-twelve. i'll pick up the money. [???] oh. master, are you all right? i-i think it's my ankle. would you mind lifting up a minute? huh? roger, look, i-- man: here, let the doctor-- man 2: let us through. dr. dawson, our house doctor. let me through here.
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he needs a hospital. this man has a broken ankle. jeannie: he is not going to the hospital. well-- and why not? because he does not have a broken ankle. [magic boing] you may get up and walk now. thank you, jeannie. we do not wish to be late for our wedding. madam, he cannot walk on that foot. tony: believe me, doctor, if jeannie says i can walk on it, i can walk on it. right. watch-- [screams] what happened? well, i'll tell you what happened. he just broke his wrist. oh, that's impossible. can't you help him? [???] [magic boing] no. [magic boing] [screams] [gasps] the haji's warning. i must have lost my power. you-- you must have lost your what? oh! oh ! ow! ow! [concerned chattering] dawson: i'll take care of you.
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hello, master. hello. boy, what an unlucky jackpot that turned out to be. jeannie, can't you bring me out of here? i have tried. it does not work. what do you mean it does not w--? what do you mean? you're a genie, aren't you? yes and no. what do you mean yes and--? [magic boing] [pained shouting] what hurts you? your arm or your leg? get the doctor. doctor. doctor! nurse! [magic boing] [magic boing] you'll have to leave. my dear, you have to leave. [magic boinging] i'll treat you later. doctor, help me, will ya? [screams] yeah, that's it! that's exactly-- do not worry. he will be fine. yeah. fine. oh, doctor. doctor, what's happening? acute appendicitis. we're going to have to operate immediately.
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hing? this is not his day. i-- i can't understand it. i can. i put major nelson under a spell, so that he would want to marry me. you put--? a spell? well, get him out of it. but then he would not want to marry me. and he needs me to take care of him. he needs you? he's in there with a broken arm and a broken leg and acute appendicitis. how could you do this? i've lost my power. haji warned me not to put him under a spell. well, look. what would happen if you broke the spell? could you get your powers back? yes. then i would not be mrs. anthony nelson. well, i think it's a question of what tony needs more: a wife or a genie. a wife. all right, men. right down this way, men. what's happening? we're taking major nelson to emergency surgery.
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well, a wife can't cure appendicitis. but a genie can. oh, well, i'm not one to be married anyway. [tony shouts in pain] you better hurry up, or there's not going to be enough of him left for either of you. lahalabah, listen well while i break this magic spell seema roojo kemakawn uh... let this spell i cast be gone [circus music playing over speaker] oh, i must have said the wrong words. oh, thank you. benson: get a syringe ready. automobile accident? no. just clumsy. he's got a broken wrist, a broken ankle, and acute appendicitis. doctor, where's jeannie? if you'll just get ahold of jeannie,
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young man, be quiet. you are sicker than you think. oh! jeannie? we're back where we started from. i think i know what i did wrong. lahalabah hear my shame return the spell from whence it came from whence it came? shh. listen now and listen well take away my master's spell hold it. now, just be quiet. you're gonna be just fine. i'm feeling pretty good already. miracle of modern medicine, sir. you said he had a broken ankle. [stammers] i don't understand it! i'm going to recommend you both highly to all my friends. what about your appendicitis? [chuckling] yeah. what about it? oh, master, you are all well. yeah. i feel great. good. look who is here. huh? "dearly beloved, we are gathered together here--" "to me, life insurance was always
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"--this woman in--" excuse me, sir. jeannie, i can't marry you. oh, it will only take a minute, master. a minute. what time is it? it's 5 after 5. five after 5? i've got to be in general drew's office at 5:00. hey, you're gonna be late. it is a very short ceremony. it will take no time at all. please continue. no, i really can't-- "when in the bloom of youth--" please, i'm terribly sorry. roject, and i've got to be there. well, you'll never make it now. jeannie, get this cast off me. but i do not wish-- now, come on, both of them. off. "dearly beloved, we are gathered together here--" no, no, no. wait, i can't. i just-- i just can't. i'm sorry. now, get me back to that meeting. oh, but master-- now, come on, i mean it. get me back there. [giggles]
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i-i-i'm terribly sorry. jeannie. [clears throat] uh, jeannie. oh. good morning, master, darling. oh. morning, jeannie. m gonna have to skip breakfast this morning. i'm giving a lecture. oh. the kind you always give me? [chuckles] no. no. this is on military strategy. oh, that sounds exciting. ha. uh-- uh, what does it mean? militar-- oh. oh, it's, um-- well, we study ancient battles and, uh, how they were planned, and the mistakes that were made, and so forth. oh, what are you going to talk about? i'll be talking about the napoleonic wars and waterloo, and the, uh, russian invasion.
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oh, history is so dull, master. dull? the napoleonic wars? uh-- uh, marat? uh, mme. pompadour? uh-- marie antoinette saying to the starving peasants, "let them eat cake," you call that dull? did she say that at waterloo, master? no. no. no, jeannie. uh, at waterloo, wellington defeated napoleon bonaparte. oh, i have heard of napoleon. oh, really. i should hope so. as a matter of fact, there's a picture in here somewhere. e of him. jeannie: why does he have his hand in his jacket, master? well, i don't know why-- [scoffs] anyhow, he was one of the greatest generals that ever lived. he saved france and started to bring democracy to all of europe. and then what happened? well, he was-- he was badly advised. he trusted a general named pichegru. and this pichegru later tried to kill napoleon. i think that it was he that persuaded napoleon that he could conquer the whole world.
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well, i'll see you. [chattering] [people laughing] jeannie, what-- what are you doing? look at all the lovely dresses, master. yes, yes-- say-- there's napoleon. that's napoleon bonaparte. oh, yes, of course. you said you wished to spend an hour with him, master. go talk. i didn't know i could do it now. oh, you have no medals. huh, i don't need-- need any medals. ah. oh. [giggles] oh. thank you. oh. lovely. huh? jeannie, jeannie... this is going a little too far. just leave me one. oh, no, master. no, i mean it. one. [clicks tongue, whines] [giggles] oh, boy. thank you, jeannie. do you know, this is the greatest thing you've ever done? oh. i can change the whole course of history. well, enjoy yourself, master. i-- i will go around and explore the palace, and look at the dresses. [giggles]
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bye. [clears throat] uh, pardon me. i-i don't mean to intrude. uh, my name is major anthony nelson. you don't know me, but i certainly know you. you're "the little corporal." execute him.
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[???] w-wait, wait. now, please. i-- take it easy. i, uh-- i don't mean to offend you, sir. everybody calls you "the little corporal." e who do regret it. i have some very valuable information. as a matter of fact, the fate of europe may depend on your listening to me. the fate of europe? who sent you to me? uh, well, no one sent me. i-i-- i came with a friend. well... [clears throat] a matter of fact, i was about to deliver a lecture on you this morning. a lecture? what is this? pichegru, get rid of him. at once, sire. pichegru. p-- i wouldn't do that if i were you, mr. napoleon. i-- this man is about to assassinate you. general pichegru?
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take him out of here! hold on a minute. wait, wait, wait! this man amuses me. i want to speak to him alone. nappy. ah, my dear. i don't believe we've met. uh, major, uh-- oh, n-nelson. major anthony nelson. you're the empress josephine, aren't you? oh. oh, i love that speech you made about, "let them eat cake." oh, that was very kind of you. that was marie antoinette. oh. well, i-- i'm sorry. i was never very good at history. [all chuckle] come, major. tell me some more of those funny stories. huckles] oh, yes. is he not wonderful? who is he? oh, major nelson is a-- an expert on military strategy. he is? oh, yes. he has some wonderful advice for napoleon bonaparte. about what? oh, it... has something to do with war. war? hm.
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what about russia? well, the russian campaign's a mistake. what russian campaign? you're going to attack it. attack russia? are you mad? now, you mustn't go through with it, sir. if you attack russia, you're gonna suffer one of the worst defeats in history. napoleon, defeated? yes. i'm coming to that. you're coming to what? oh, uh-- uh, waterloo. don't fight wellington there. being sent to elba. never mind elba. so you think it will be a mistake for me to turn europe into an empire? a disaster. i must think about this. well, you'll never regret talking to me, sir. we will talk again later. join the others. there's plenty of food and drink. yes, yes. oh, i've, uh, been meaning to ask you about, uh-- these wool uniforms.
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attack russia. it would be an insanity. the man is mad. mad or a spy. but who would've sent him? russia, of course. i've been thinking of russia. the hungry iceberg waiting to destroy an unwary army. and suddenly this clumsy spy comes to me and tells me not to attack it. oh, why would russia send him here to tell you that? for only one reason, my dear pichegru. it could be that the iceberg is not as terrifying as it seems. russia must have something to fear. and it could only have something to fear if it's vulnerable. we will attack! and it shall be my greatest victory. as you wish, sire.
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[blows] it certainly is a pleasure meeting you, madam. of course. i've read a great deal about you, but i must say, you're much more beautiful than your paintings. am i? yes. [chuckles] master? [coughs] may i speak with you a moment, please? "master"? yes. yeah, it's a pet name. ah. would you excuse me, please? [clears throat] pardon me. jeannie, um... i'm busy. mm. so i see. ye-- what do you want? master, you wish to change the course of history. yes. then i think you have done it. what do you mean? you have just talked napoleon into attacking russia. he thinks you're a spy, and he's going to kill you. no, no, no. i'm sure you misunderstood him. yes, he is. i had a long talk with him. he was very amenable to everythi-- we-- now, fellas. wait a minute. wait. napoleon. [man speaks indistinctly] you are new? oh, no, no, no. i am old. i mean, you are new at my court? oh, yes, sir.
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you are very beautiful. oh, thank you. what is your name, my child? oh-- uh, jeannie. jeannie? uh-huh. well, jeannie. i would like to see and talk to you, and get to know you better. and perhaps, we could meet later tonight? oh. i am afraid not. uh-- a friend of mine is in terrible trouble. i could get your friend out of trouble. oh. no, thank you. but you are going to be much too busy worrying about russia. [gasps] hey, i'm a major. you guys can't go around hitting an officer. what's the matter-- go in the cell. get in there. what time is this, uh-- [makes cutting sound]
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would you say no to a lot more money? [excited scream] you just won a million dollars! no thanks. nice balloons, though! or no to more vacation days? janet, i'm giving you an extra week's vacation! oh, ah... nooo. what? no way. who says no to more? time warner cable's all about giving you more.
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? think of your fellow man. ? ? lend him a helping hand. ? ? put a little love in your heart. ? ? take a good look around... ? ? ...and if you're lookin' down, ? ? put a little love in your heart. ? ?put a little love in your heart.? (avo) the subaru share the love event is happening now and will have given ninety million dollars
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sorry, madam. no visitors. oh. wha--? i'm sorry i am late, master, but your friend napoleon bonaparte wanted to talk with me. yes? he asked me to return later. [giggles] well, are you ready to go home now? yeah, we can't go now. oh, of course we can, master. no, no. i mean we can't go and leave napoleon in the lurch like this. oh, but he thinks you're a spy. he will not listen to you. yeah. that's right. jeannie. hm? you can make him listen. i? yes, yes. didn't you say he wanted you to return? yes. did he seem interested in you?
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but you are the only man that i-- i want you to go to his palace. oh, but why? because you've got to convince him that if he starts a war, it's gonna lead to a catastrophe. now, you think you can do that? oh. but i do not know anything about war, master. [chuckles] but you know something about men. [giggles] i do. i want you to flatter him. he has a tremendous ego. uh, you've got to make him think that all of this is his idea. jeannie... this is a tremendously important mission. oh, master. are you choosing me for this mission because i am the only one in the world who can do it? i'm choosing you for this mission because there's nobody else here. now, pop over to the palace and go to work on him. go to work on him. yes, master. and do not worry. i will handle it brilliantly. and remember, be subtle. he's got to think it's his idea. oh, i am probably the most subtle genie in the whole world. [both chuckling] oh. that's my girl.
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go! our troops will march in through here, toward the soft underbelly of europe, and into the caucasus. no, pichegru. i have changed my mind. but why? russia sits on europe like a sleepy bear, ready to devour anything that comes near it. only a fool would attack. then what do we do about this, uh, major nelson, the spy? we have no proof that he was sent by russia. i am back. oh, what a pleasant surprise. ha-ha. you have met general pichegru? this is mademoiselle jeannie. oh. you are the one who is going to try to kill napoleon, and he is going to have you strangled. but she's outrageous, sire. but so beautiful. oh. [giggles] pichegru, would you excuse us? you, uh-- you would not, uh, change your mind? no, call all the plans off.
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i thought you were not coming. you said you had to help a friend. oh, but i am helping him. that is why i am here. but i don't understand. oh, major nelson sent me here to work on you. to work on me? yes. but he said that i must be subtle. what does "subtle" mean? it means honest. it means that you must tell me everything major nelson said. oh. well, he said that it was very important that i try to talk you out of attacking russia, but that you must think that it is your own idea, because you have a tremendous ego. is that subtle enough? indeed it is. oh, i knew i could do it. so he's trying to trick napoleon into not declaring war. any fool can see that the bear is sleeping. oh. waiting to fall into the hands of an invading army. nothing shall stop me. thank you, my dear. oh, you are welcome.
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[rings bell] nothing shall stop france from ruling the world. oh. arrest this woman. oh, am i going to the bastille? i'm afraid so. oh, thank you. mwah. [laughs] come along. ["la marseillaise" playing] [keys jingling] [giggles] ah, thank you. thank heavens you're back, jeannie. i knew you could do it. [door locks] i said to myself-- what went wrong? nothing, master. i was very subtle. i told him everything. you-- you told him everything? it is all fixed. it's all fixed. napoleon has decided not to attack russia. ha. good girl.
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[chuckles] oh. oh. you're kidding. may we go home now, master? no. what am i gonna do? [snaps] wait a minute, wait a minute. i got one last chance. i've got to get to josephine. oh, believe me, master, she's much too old for you. she's the only one napoleon will listen to. now, if i can just talk to her, yeah, i'm sure she'll help. oh, master, would it not be much simpler if we just went home? no, we can't leave him like this. can you get josephine here? that is what i wish. [sighs] thank you. uh, now-- oh. you have five minutes. i received a message that you wish to see me about my husband. the messenger said it was life and death. yes. he's absolutely right. uh-- your husband is about to make a terrible mistake. now, you've got to stop him from attacking russia.
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well, if you don't use your influence, he's gonna wind up on elba. elba? that's the island where they're gonna exile him. you are joking. of course, you won't be there. he'll be married to louise, but still i-- louise? he's going to escape from elba, raise an army, and fight wellington at waterloo. and believe me, he's going to lose. who is this "louise"? the important thing is you've got to convince napoleon not to go into battle. how long has he known her? who? louise! will you talk to napoleon? no. n-- no? but you're the only chance i have-- don't you love him? i love him more than life itself. but how do i know that anything you're saying is true. can you prove that they are going to exile him to elba? well, no, i can't prove it. i-- uh, perhaps if you can tell me who this louise is, i could find out whether you are lying, or whether you really know what's going to happen.
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perhaps. her name is marie louise, and she's the daughter of the empress of austria. he has never mentioned her to me. do you think you can find her? [keys jingling] don't worry. i'll find her. yeah. thank you very much. uh-- you don't have a moment to lose. have you finished, your majesty? yes. for now. master. oh. oh, just fine. i think i finally found a way to persuade josephine that i'm telling the truth. we can help napoleon now. do you know what i think, master? what? that i should have let you go to your lecture this morning. yeah. [keys jingling] ah. did you find her? oh, mais oui, monsieur. but first, i want to be very sure of what you have told me. this marie louise of austria and my husband are in love, and are going to be married?
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bring her in. [baby giggles] ah. ah- ha-ha-ha-ha. hi there, huh? [makes baby noises] who-- who's this? she-- this is the princess marie louise of austria. take her away. happy guillotine, monsieur. hey. wait. uh, wait a minute-- uh-- i-i-i made a mistake. i-i got the dates mixed up. they're gonna be married. happily. ah! master. [sighs] when i was at the palace, i saw the most beautiful dresses. oh, i would love to have a new dress. is that all you think of, is dresses? you never take me to paris, master. and while we are here, let me get one new dress. yeah, would you forget the dresses-- i will be back in a few minutes. yeah, but-- jeannie, you can't leave me now. they're gonna come for me any minute. i'm not kidding. they're gonna cut my head off. now, come on back.
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"major anthony nelson, "by the order of the emperor of france-- you're bringing a pardon. right. i knew it. but... yes, yes? first you are being guillotined! now, let's go! listen, i want to see a lawyer. come on, monsieur. up, up, up. where do you think you are? believe me, monsieur. it will be over in less than a minute. i'm not interested in your timetable. i demand to see napoleon bonaparte.
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take him, executioner. oh! come on! we would like to see you die. [tony shouting] hey. hey, you. come here. listen, you're making a mistake, fella. i'm on detached duty to nasa. go on! down! [grunts] monsieur. do you have any last words? just one. jeannie! [whimpering] jeannie--! jeannie! yeah-- [grunting] jeannie! get me out of here. jeannie, where are you? here it is, master. is it not beautiful? oh, yes, it's just gorgeous. now, would you mind taking this thing off of me. huh? hm? oh. yes. [sighs] oh, thank you. thank you very much. uh-- oh, would you mind? here. the ropes too, huh? hm? oh.
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oh, i am sorry, master, but...
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what are you writing, master? oh, just a minute. there. read it. jeannie: "able was i ere i saw elba." mm-hm. huh. well, what does it mean? oh. well, when you spell it backwards, e same. "able was i, e, r--" eh-- oh, "i saw"-- [laughs] oh. it does. yes. oh, you're a genius, master. oh, no. you know, i'm glad we took that trip before i gave that lecture on napoleon. are you. why? well...i was wrong about one thing. you remember i said that napoleon was a great general, but he had bad advice? yes, master. well, i was wrong there. he had-- he had great advice.
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w-w-what is wrong, master? hm? oh, it's these darn wool uniforms. oh. oh, yeah. yeah. right-- right below the shoulder blade, huh. [???] ? green acres is the place to be ? ? farm livin' is the life for me ? ? land spreadin' out so far and wide ? ? keep manhattan, just give me that countryside ? ? new york is where i'd rather stay ? ? i get allergic smelling hay ? ? i just adore a penthouse view ? ? darling, i love you, but give me park avenue ?


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