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tv   North Carolina News at 1100PM  CBS  November 18, 2016 11:00pm-11:35pm EST

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[ "tonight show" theme ] >> here's johnny! [ cheering ]
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thank you. [ cheering ] thank you. come on. look! that's right, i-- come on, folks. easy. we got a long show, here. look, that-that was-- [ laughing ] that-that-that was very moving. [ laughter ] and, with this crowd, i'm moving. [ laughter ] boy, you're wired, tonight. [ cheering ] you must-- come on. no, knock it off! we gotta-- we gotta get goin', here. we got a big show, haven't we? >> yes! >> big show. and you make u-- last night, we had a crowd, here-- did not respond like you. they were rough. kinda crowd that would sing "smoke gets in your eyes" to judge ginsburg. [ laughter ] [ some booing ] mean-spirited crowd. now, i know a lot of you are on vacation, out here. you look for things to do. [ cheering ] >> you come s-- come see a television show, [ person applauding ] and you probably
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if you're ever out in malibu, and you wanna meet jim and tammy, they're out there now. [ laughter ] it's a house with a sign that says, "do not disturb. just put your envelopes in a night deposit box." [ laughter ] [ applause ] moi? for moi? gee. [ laughter ] how many of you watched "napoleon and josephine," on television? [ applause ] gu uh, it was on another network. nbc saw it. it was such a big hit, they're gonna do another historical drama-- "caesar and cleopatra, " starring pat sajak and vanna white. [ laughter ] and i'm looking forward to tony danza's "henry viii." that's coming up. [ laughter ] now, if you saw the show, they had a disclaimer, on the screen. w-what network carried it, anyway? was it cbs? abc? >> abc. >> abc. did ya see the disclaimer,
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"parts of this show have been fictionalized." no kidding. [ laughter ] like they needed to tell us. next, they'll put a disclaimer before "we got it made," saying, "parts of this show may be stupid." [ laughter ] anyway-- damn. this morning, i banged my finger, hanging up my new van gogh. [ laughter ] >> whoa! did you see that incredible auction they had? i believe it was christie's, in london? they auctioned a painting-- the last painting van gogh sold set a record. it was $39 million. they s-sold a van gogh, last night, for $53.9 million. >> wow. >> for one painting! now, that's something you don't get on the home shopping network. >> no. [ laughter ] >> i wanted to buy that, so badly. i was gonna hang it right
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[ laughter ] [ cheering ] on the other side, my "clowns on black velvet, " with a big-- it's great. i mean, does that boggle your mind? did you know that, when van gogh was alive, he only sold one painting-- this is not a joke-- for $30? and this is for 54 milli-- the poor guy. he only got $38 for his ear! [ laughter ] he c-- he couldn't sell a painting, when he-- he once painted a pussycat, and an art critic said, "look, try flowers." [ laughter ] now, this-this painting that sold, last night, was called "irises, " and it was painted while he was in an insane asylum, in 1889. now, the reason they put him in the asylum, uh, was right after he predicted that painting,
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[ laughter ] [ applause ] it is almost obscene to say that the temperature was 82 degrees here, today, while, back in the east-- in washington, dc, they had 15 inches of snow. [ cheering ] [ applause ] now, supreme court nominee, anthony kennedy, showed up at the whitehouse, with white flakes on his suit. [ some laur and-- [ some applause ] the fbi immediately rushed his coat to the lab. [ laughter ] i-i-- the-- even kennedy, now, they're saying, could be in trouble. can you imagine that? the thir-- why doesn't the white house just go to the fourth nominee? it works for me. [ laughter ] [ cheering ] that's a lotta s--
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[ laughter ] >> all: how deep was it? >> that the whitehouse dog, rex, was seen, around the tip of the washington monument. [ laughter ] the, uh-- now, uh, ed meese, the attorney general-- there's some calls, back in washington, for his resignation. ya know. ed mcmahon lookalike? ed meese? keep saying that-- did you see the picture of reagan hugging ed meese, in the paper? ya know, that's-that's bad news. last people he hugged [ laughter ] what else is happening? a little-- this is probably something you didn't see, or maybe you're not even interested in, but the prot?g? of, uh, gorbachev, boris yeltsin, was fired, yesterday. yeah. [ collective "aww" ] apparently, he found out the translation of "glasnost" was "chernobyl night watchman." [ laughter ] we have an exciting show,
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jimmy stewart will be out here and finish his story, about, uh, the twins, he was telling, last night. [ some laughter ] no. we have mr. carl reiner, one of the most talented -- [ applause ] a lovely, young actress, by the name of holly robinson, is with us, this evening. [ cheering ] a young comedian, making his first appearance, on this show-- may be his first network television appearance. i'm not sure. his name is jeff cesario. so, stay where ya are. we'll be right back. [ "tonight show" theme ]
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>> okay. last night-- last night, when we billboarded tonight's guests, i gave a name, uh, of one of our guests who was gonna be tonight, was, uh, a young, 10-year-old girl by the name of hailey nance. uh, and, uh, hailey, apparently, won a contest, back in her hometown, and she became the principal of her school, for a day. well, uh-- she's eight years old, actually. she's from renton, washington, and, uh, she came out, yesterday-- >> mmm. >> on the airplane-- or, i guess, late last night or this morning. apparently, and she got sick and was in bed, with the flu. >> multiple: aww. >> yeah. >> and ca-- so-so, not to disappoint all her friends, we're looking forward to seeing-- we took this picture-- this is for real. >> she looks sick. she's in bed. [ laughter ] >> yeah. we put her up, at the sheridan universal hotel, and she's there, with her little, uh, uh, teddy bear. so, uh, hailey, when you're feeling better, you can come back and guest, on the show. anyway. she's a cute little girl, isn't she? >> yeah. >> that's too bad. fly all the way out here. >> yeah. [ applause ]
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now, last night, on the show, i had a piece o' comedy material. >> right. >> i was gonna do. and eddie shaughnessy, our drummer, complained, in an article, that the band didn't get to play a number whole through. so, i had the audience vote. i said, "we have a wonderful piece of very funny comedy material, or the band can play a number, all the way through." and i said, "you decide." now, i thought, for some reason, the material would get overwhelming response. >> right. >> nothing. [ laughter ] nothing. they went with the band, so we let 'em play the number. >> right. >> uow of material, right? >> right. >> plus, we have another piece of material that we had scheduled for tonight, and i have this dilemma. but, if you scratch -- >> which one to, uh-- >> what? which one to do. so, you folks are here. you are our guests, in a way. so, here's what we have. we have a piece o' material which features, uh, the marital troubles of, uh, princess di and prince charles. you've heard all that? yeah, lotta rumors that their marriage is in trouble, so we did a-- kind of a graphic thing-- with pictures! [ laughter ] this piece-- >> that's important. [ some applause ] that's important. >> this piece o' material
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being that tomorrow is friday the 13th-- >> mmm-hmm. >> we did some research on certain phobias. for example, a lotta people have a fear of the number 13, which is called triskaidekaphobia. you know, hotels do not have the 13th floor. >> right. >> uh, people just-- they don't like that. so, gonna leave it up to you. now, of course, if we don't do the phobias today, they may be dated by-- 'cause we have something else, for tomorrow, right? >> right. >> so, by your applause, you can choose-- either the photographic piece-- with pictures-- [ laughter ] i don't wanna weight this, in any way, at all. >> no. >> or the phobias. so, i will say-- i will let you applaud, and then we'll do the-- whichever one. >> right. >> all right? how many would like to see this brilliant piece of comedy material -- [ cheering ] >> on the other hand,
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very funny little resume of phobias. [ cheering ] >> i think the first one. >> i-i-i think the first one. okay, folks. [ applause ] you-- you asked for it. >> gonna get it. >> was-wasn't there a show called "you asked for it--" >> sure. for many years. >> for years? >> yeah, sure. >> with-- art baker originally did it. then, a fella by the name of jack smith took it over. >> sure. >> and that's where people would write in-- and i-i don't know whether they ever wrote in, but-- supposed to believe that. and art r "a mrs. warren freeny, of biloxi, mississippi, wants to know-- 'there was a man, many years ago, who used to catch a cannonball in his stomach. i'd like to see that again.'" bring some-- >> yeah. >> all of a sudden, some guy would show up, and they'd shoot him, with a cannonball, in his stomach. [ laughter ] i think they made a lot of it up, but-- >> "you asked for it." >> anyway, uh, in the british press, they, uh, are calling it "'dallas' at the palace." true. the british press, when they get on your case-- >> mmm. >> are vicious. if you think some o' the tabloids here-- you oughta go to england and watch a thing called,
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they really do. anyway, there's a lotta speculation heating up, between the royal marriage-- between the future king of england and the princess of wales, diane. and, apparently, they went 37 days, recently, without spending a single night together. wow, she was doing-- ya know, they were doing -- apparently, the -- [ laughter ] whatever. you know, they have official duties and-- >> sure. >> but, 37-- [ laughter ] what the hell's funny about that? [ laughter ] or maybe she wasn't doing her official duties. [ laughter ] aha! i get it. see, my mind doesn't work that way. [ laughter ] now, some o' the people say that one o' the problems is their age difference. diana is 26. she likes shopping, going to rock concerts. charles is 38. he likes putting on a kilt and doing fly fishing, i guess. [ laughter ] now, tho-those-those people in england who support charles say that di
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and those who support di say that charles is a stick in the mud, whose idea of fun is hiking in scotland. well, in pursuit of the real truth, we hired our own-- ya know, we have reciprocating photographers, who live over there, also-- for "the tonight show, only do work for "the tonight show." so, we called our london photographer, nigel keyhole, [ laughter ] to snap some secret surveillance photos of charles and di. >> no one else has these. >> what? >> no one else has these. >> no. [ laughter ] you look at the photos, and, uh, you determine whether the marriage is in trouble. watch the monitor. now, alone in his kitchen, a despondent charles plays "she loves me, she loves me not, " with the caraway seeds in his rye bread. [ laughter ] you asked for this. now, i was for the phobias, myself. [ laughter ]
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di-di lets cartoonist garry trudeau draw "doonesbury" on her. [ laughter ] tragically, the next morning, in the coffee shop, di is injured, when a business man eating a donut flips through her, to get to the sports section. [ audience groaning ] you have nobody to blame but yourselves. [ laughter ] this'll-this'll pi-- this'll pick up. charles tries to show di he's macho, by trying to make a mcdlt from scratch. nobody can see t or something. not too good. the money we spend. this-this one is-- this one's good. [ some laughter ] uh, charles helps make the lonely days go by, painting the arches on mcdonald's latest business venture, the mccemetery. [ laughter ] see? >> yeah! [ some cheering ] >> charles tries to make di jealous, by showing up at a london disco, with three of
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[ some booing ] w-- same, to you. [ laughter ] [ collective "aww" ] i'm goin' to the good ones. di atte-- yeah, finally. [ some laughter ] i heard that snide, snotty remark. di attends a rodeo, sponsored by british singles organization, parents without princes.he to the jolly green archduke. [ some booing ] >> where's the good ones? [ laughter ] >> charles arrives, at heathrow airport, and indicates how many british airway stewardesses have shot him down. [ laughter ] [ applause ] a jealous charles has di fitted for a chastity miniskirt.
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with di out of town, charles escorts an old girlfriend to an innocent evening at the opera. but, just in case things get out of hand, he wears a safe tuxedo. [ laughter ] charles begins to suspect di is playing around, when he peeks under the royal bed and finds the lock ness monster's reebok. [ laughter ] here we find diana's strategy session, with her divorce lawyer. [ some booing ] really-really going into the tubes, isn't it? [ laughter ] during a heated quarrel, charles grabs di's hand and tries to suck the diamond out of her wedding ring. [ laughter ]
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>> multiple: aww. >> little prince william indicates, to the camera, where he thinks his parents' marriage is headed. [ laughter ] so, there you have it, folks. now, in retrospect, how many of you have voted for the phobias? [ cheering ] that's a-- that's a challenge we face, every night. uh, we'll do this. carl reiner's here. holly robinson and, uh,
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?? okay, how many of you know-- just to show ya-- just to give-- just to give ya a small sampling of what you missed, did you know a real phobia is-- there is a phobia called arachibutyrophobia. that's an actual phobia. it's the fear of peanut butter
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>> ooh. >> and those were the straight ones. the funny ones were dynamite. [ laughter ] >> tomorrow night? >> and you didn't ask for it. what? >> maybe tomorrow night? >> oh, no. no, wait-- i gotta wait a whole year, now, we can do that. m-my first guest-- wanna hear another one? >> all: yeah! [ applause ] >> you know what gamophobia is? it's a real one. gamo-gamophobia is a fear of marriage. [ laughter ] >> how did you get over that? [ laughter ] >> those are-- those are real. now, here's one i-- i guess people can have this. stasiphobia. stasiphobia-- is a fear of standing up. i'm not makin' these up. now, just let me give you an idea of one of the funny ones, to show you. those were real ones. we had some others, here. nightlineophobia.
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has his hand up ted koppel's back. [ laughter ] [ cheering ] >> didn't pick-- >> shame, shame. you woulda gone out here chuckling, but now, you're going out with vi-- with visions of those dumb pictures, dancing in your head. my first guest is a good friend. he-he does everything well, in the entertainment business. uh, he's an actor, comedian, director. producer, writer, uh, snappy dresser, all-around-- >> nice guy. >> y-yes, nice guy. would you welcome ca
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[ cheering ] >> i can't believe-- you're possessed of the devil. >> i feel so good! [ some laughter ] >> saint vitus dance-- >> you know, i listened to that band. that last time i was out, that band inspired me-- >> and you did a little dance-- >> yes. >> and i was so happy i didn't have a heart attack. [ laughter ] no, when you get to be my age, you lose certain faculties. you lose hair. you lose your ability to remember people's names. uh, e-e... [ laughter ] >> uh, meese. meese. >> but that's a lotta movement. >> yes. >> that's tough. >> so, i'm h-- now at the poi-- by the way-- i'm at the point in my life where it was h-- a lotta things were going downhill.
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the-the ability to dance, for two and a half minutes, without puffing. [ some laughter ] >> would ya like to take a break, here? >> dom deluise does something hilarious, in his act. dom deluise does a dance, and then he-- no, give me the microphone. and then he s-- he stands offstage, for a minute, after he finishes his dance. he goes-- [ panting heavily ] [ sound distorting ] [ applause ] >> but-- what-- how's the-- when's the last time you did anng when i was on your show, and i showed how i did the aerobics airforce exercises. i can't do those, anymore. anyway. but what i'm excited about-- [ laughter ] is that-- no kidding. i am excited, because, theatrically, i didn't lose my creative force. >> no, no. >> i just, for the first time, in many, many years-- not since i wrote a novel and a play-- which i wrote by myself-- but i collaborated, a lot. >> yeah. >> with steve martin, george gipe.
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now, no offense intended, here-- >> yes. >> the single most talented man i'd ever seen on a stage, in my life, on broadway-- a guy named robert lindsay, who won the-the t-- the tony awards. >> right. >> see, that's wonderful! there's a-- how many people, uh, never heard-- >> a flurry of -- >> ever heard of him? ever heard of him. >> lotta people have. [ applause ] >> just a f-- okay. the excitement of this business is to do something new and exciting that keeps your blood going. and writing something, for somebody who's gonna be >> and you did this. >> and i did it. and i feel so good about that! >> that's why you came out dancing. >> that's why i came out dancing. i felt-- you know how many years i been doing your show? >> many. twenty years. over 20 years. >> yeah, almost as many as you've been here. >> yeah. >> and you-- >> that-- i gave you tha-- that tie is from this show. >> this is one of the things i-- once, i told johnny that he never gave me anything. i get presents from a lot of people. he never gave me anything. so, he gave me his tie. and it's a beautiful tie. it stays in my closet. i don't wanna get it dirty. i only wear it, on special occasions.
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there it is. and i can't-- it says "j. c." can you see that? >> yeah, little-- >> little "j. c." it is, there. >> now, that's years ago. >> yes! and i can't tell people i knew jesus christ, because-- [ laughter ] >> it was a hand-me-down. >> so, uh, i tell -- and-and this i thank y-- you don't want it back. >> no-no! >> no, i love it. >> well, i'm flattered you would think of that and bring it out of the closet. >> well-- oh, i-- you kidding? it's one-- it's one o' my cherished possessions. >> you're gonna get another tie, tonight. [ laughter ] >> i mean, just ties and ties. >> can i try that jacket on? [ laughter ] >> i love it. i'm not kidding. i don't wanna get it, from you, but i'm-- but i like-- i like the cut. and, if, uh-- >> i have long arms. >> no, i-- you-- i can buy-- i-i'll buy this. not from you, but from wherever you bought it. >> yeah. [ cheering ] >> it's a little tight, but it's a beautiful fabric. thank you. >> whaddya mean, "thank you?" [ some laughter ] >> i'm no-- no, no. i'm gonna take it. no, i'm-- i just-- i really-- >> well, thank you. very nice. >> that's-- where do you get that? >> what? i have little weavers, at home who sit--
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in the basement, and they just weave, all day long. [ laughter ] >> beautiful. >> we'll do this, then we're comin' back and do a lotta things that w-we're gonna talk about-- during the break.
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?? all right. ah, okay, one-one more phobia here. 'nother phobia, here. [ some laughter ] alecguinnessophobia in front of a benihana chef." [ laughter ] you have any phobias? >> uh-- >> anything at all? >> no, i don't, really. >> really? n-no acrophobia? fear of heights? >> oh, i have-- no, i do have a ph-- of course. i have acrophobia. >> yes, fear of heights. >> i don't like-- heights, yes. i-i can do it, but i don't like it. >> ah. >> i don't like it, at all. and, as a matter of fact, i went on a ferris wheel, once, when my son-- when lucas was about two, because i didn't want him to have a pho-- he said, "let's go on the --
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and i'm up there, talking a blue streak-- "isn't this fun? isn't this fun?" and he kept lookin' at me, like, "why are you talking so much?" ya know? i really was frightened. >> you talk about getting older. uh, now, you-- you're directing, and you write, and so forth. do you ever lose touch, with today's generation? >> oh, i-- yeah, i think so. i think so. the music, mainly-- >> yeah. >> proves it to me. um, i don't-- >> i remember d-- speakin' of music. i was tryna think of it, before the show. you, on the old "show of shows" with sid and howie morris, came out and did a burlesque satire of what, then, was considered far-out-- in crew cuts? >> the th-three haircuts. >> the three haircuts. and you came out, and all ya had were kinda stand-up, butch haircuts. >> well, we had real, you know, long hair, but much longer than anybody had, at that time. but, today -- >> but, see, if you did that, today, you wouldn't even be close-- >> yes. >> to being weird. >> in the old days, when we were young, it was tommy darcy and his orchestra, uh, phil spitalny and his all-girl-- all-girl-- >> phil spitalny. >> phil spitalny. but there were names like that. and, today, i don't relate to the music, because i don't hear the lyric. i don't understand the l--
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today, and he can be three years old. he's listening to this rock music, and it's blaring through-- and they-they know the lyric. >> yeah. >> and i feel that must be a-a-an age gap. it must be something there. and the names-- the group names, today-- you know, the beastie boys, the fat boys, the oingo boingos, the, uh, snot puppies. [ laughter ] and, i mean-- >> snot puppies? >> they got-- they-they name anything. they-- the cups, the micro-- the who, the what, the where, the when, the which. [ laughter ] >> the why, the doors, the doorknobs-- >> yes. >> the doorsills, the-- [ laughter ] the eyelashes. the ed mcmahons. the ashtrays. everything's-- >> make no difference. >> no, it's a name of-- >> yeah. >> the man's fly. i don't know. [ laughter ] >> "here they are-- the zippers." i mean-- you're right. could be anything, uh-- now, everything that's in the news has to do with the supreme court nominee. >> yes. >> and, um, poor bork didn't make it, and ginsburg came in, because they said he'd smoked a little pot, in the '60s. is there anything in your past-- suppose you were up, s-supreme court nominee. [ laughter ] all of-- put yourself in that position.
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look into you, from the day you were born. >> yeah, i wouldn't make it. i wouldn't make it. >> and go through your school and what you've done and whether you've ever been drunk or whether you ever, uh, took a-a hit, on something. >> i wouldn't-- >> could you survive that? >> no, i wouldn't survive that. when i was about seven years old, i s-- >> i'm not asking for a confession-- >> no, i'll confess, right now. i stole a snake ring-- one o' those three snakes together-- from the five and 10-- a 15-cent ring. >> i did the same thing. >> and i wore it upside-down, so nobody could see that i had it. >> i did the s-- i stole a ring, at-- from woolworth's. >> woolworth's! the two of us! >> did the s-- did the same thing. >> they musta been asking to be taken. >> same thing, and i denied it. >> oh. >> the guy came up, and i-- it was one of those with gold paint on it, ya know? >> yeah. >> and i wanted it, so badly, and the guy came up and said, "did you take that ring?" and i-i lied. i said no. and he says, "let's go see your father." >> oh. >> and he started to march me out the door, up to my father's office. it was about a block away-- small town. and i panicked, in the alley. and it was the first case, i think, of w-whaddya call-- plea bargaining? [ laughter ] come out there-- "no, don't tell him! i'll do anything!" >> it's horrible. >> god, it was awful. >> you know something? you would be a perfect candidate.


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