tv CBS This Morning CBS November 16, 2016 7:00am-9:00am EST
just a little something to think about, sir. until next week -- nanu, nanu. -- captions by vitac how do you do, madam? is there something you desire? no, thank you. just browsing. by all means. are you an antique buff? sort of. oh, you do have some lovely things. yes, we have some excellent pieces. de in france in 1753... and priced at only $800. $800? well, it is beautiful, but i'm afraid that i -- yes. well -- um, do you have something, maybe in early american, a little less expensive? less expensive? madam, i sell antiques, not used furniture.
what's the matter with it? oh, it's a badly made copy -- terrible workmanship. not our class of merchandise. oh, well, i think it's rather fascinating. oh? how much is it? well, since you're so interested, only $100. well, i'm not that interested -- just fascinated. it's yours for 25 bucks. oh, i'll take it. thank you. madam, would you do me a favor? yes, i'll try. don't tell anyone where you bought it.
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[ telephone rings ] hello? the cosgroves will be over to dinner at 7:30, all right? okay. bye-bye. she making something special? mushed bananas and spinach. ugh -- much too good for the cosgroves. i hate these annual dinners. why? it's always at my house. larry, they'll renew the contract. i don't know. i heard the fairfield-slee agency is interested in the account. relax, larry. with one of sam's delicious dinners in cosgrove's stomach, we can't miss. it's not his stomach i'm worried about. it's his wife's mouth. that's right. he doesn't make a move without her. not a move. you know, i hate to see a guy depend on his wife like that. what time are you coming over tonight? i better call louise.
honey, i'm home. i'm in the kitchen. hi, sweetheart. hi. mmm! that smells delicious! i'm boiling the baby's bottles. oh. [ chuckles ] the dining room table looks beautiful. you're going to have the cosgroves eating out of your hands. then i won't need any plates. [ grunts ] hey, where did you get that chair? at an antiques store. why? it only cost $25. that's a good reason. oh, darrin, i couldn't resist it. you could have tried. what are you gonna do with it? we could try sitting in it. hey, that's an idea. no, where are you going to put it? it doesn't fit in the living room. wel think of something later. do you mind if i put it in the den for tonight? no. okay.
this gorgeous fountain. and i say, "isn't that a gorgeous fountain, max?" she's terribly clever. she can always spot gorgeous fountains. well, it was ridiculous what they were asking for anything that old. well, they constantly try to cheat you over there. it's almost impossible to get your money's worth. you'll get your money's worth with our campaign, max. [ laughs ] i know about your campaign. don't talk business at dinner. know, we've been around the world twice. next year, we're planning to go someplace else. do you have any ideas where we can go? let's just go into the living room for now. yes. that's not where i had in mind. louise! where did you get this ultra-rare and unusual chair? at a little antiques shop. i'll run over there first thing in the morning.
but not a big problem -- not if you'd consider selling it to me. oh, believe me, samantha, i wouldn't dream of asking you if i didn't really want it. huh? i-i'd do anything to have it. it just fits our house. doesn't it, max? this may be it. give her the chair. uh, sam, what do you think? well, i rather like that chair. honey! hmm. well... mrs. cosgrove, if you really like the chair that much, i'd love for you to have it. oh, samantha, that's very good of you. uh, baby doll -- quiet, angel! how much do you want for it, samantha? oh, nothing. it's a gift. nonsense. i want to make a business deal. so do we. would $25 be too much? oh, it's worth much more.
yes, dear. well, now that that's all settled, let's talk some business, max. $25, my dear. oh, max, it's late. oh, i can't wait to see this chair in our living room. but the contract! max will sign it in the morning. in the morning? he'll sign it in the morning. max, i'll see you in the morning. i'll put that in the car for you. oh, thank you. oh, no, no. need a little help, darrin? it can't be that heavy. ooh! [ grunting ] [ indistinct conversation ] see, that's the way they used to make chairs. see you in the morning, then. larry: mrs. cosgrove, goodnight. adelaide: thank you so much, samantha. samantha: enjoy it. goodnight, mr. cosgrove. you're a very sweet boy, darrin, but completely uncoordinated. night, all.
honey, i hope you didn't mind giving them the chair, but for my part, i was kind of glad to get rid of it. well, i do like the chair, but as long as it helps you, i don't mind. besides, i like you better. i like you, too. you know, i have a feeling there was something spooky about that chair. a spooky chair? darrin, that's ridiculous. [ thumping ] darrin? darrin? what was that? darrin: what was what? that sound... i heard a noise downstairs. oh, you must be dreaming. i don't think so. then i must be. go back to sleep, honey. darrin, i heard a noise. [ yawning ] maybe it's the baby.
when i came downstairs, there was that spooky chair bowing to me. , how charming. charming? at 4:00 in the morning? mother, what could it be? well, i've heard of a few of us who turned into objects. really? yes. some do when they retire. others do when they get angry. do you think it could be dangerous? i don't know. why don't you test it on darwood? oh, mother, really. [ telephone rings ] darrin doesn't even know about the chair. oh.
hello, sam. oh, hi, sweetheart. we were just talking about you. mother sends her love. [ shudders ] [ ding! ] sam, we got a problem. the chair has been stolen from the cosgroves. stolen? darrin, i think you ought to know that -- adelaide blames max for leaving the door open because he didn't like the chair. they're having a terrible argument. while they're arguing, max won't sign the contract. max won't sign the contract. can you find another one? i-i'm afraid it's one of a kind. darrin, i think you ought to come home. something wrong? no. no, it's... it's about the chair. i can't talk about it on the phone. i'll be right home. anything wrong? something about the chair. well, then, go on home. maybe she's found it. i'll send louise over to the cosgrove's. she's an expert on marital arguments. she is?
oh, dear. mother. mother? oh, boy, you're always around when i don't need you, but when i do -- what is all that racket? that's darrin. i had to tell him about the chair. he came home, and now he's in the study fighting with it. what do you want me to do, darling -- referee? well, there must be something. i told you it was a spooky chair. and whoever or whatever it is, it absolutely hates darrin. we can't hold that against it, can we? i can. you don't suppose it could be one of our relatives? certainly not! not one of our relatives is in furniture. well, it's causing all sorts of trouble. i can't give it back to the cosgroves if it's bewitched. what am i gonna do? nothing. nothing? no, not a thing until we know for sure what it is.
[ gasps ] it's mr. cosgrove! call me back! [ doorbell rings ] h-hi, mr. cosgrove. what a lovely surprise. my dear, i-i'm sorry to bother you. i was on my way over to the antiques shop, but i couldn't remember the name -- you know, where you purchased the chair? oh, yes. darrin told me about the robbery. yes. adelaide blames me. she says i left the door open. oh, i've just got to find another one, because -- darrin. he's doing his morning exercises. does them every day. don't exercise too hard, dear. oh, hello, mr. cosgrove! i wouldn't think of missing my morning workout! that's it! that's the chair!
oh, please let me take this to adelaide. she'll love it, and then she'll love me again. oh, but, mr. cosgrove, it's only a copy. i must have it! oh, i'm sorry, but when adelaide gets angry, i just can't think straight. now, what does it cost? i'll pay anything you ask. it's very expensive -- much more than the original. now, i do appreciate this, so just send us a bill. i want adelaide to see this right away. why don't you let darrin bring it to your house? i'd rather take it myself. it's no trouble, mr. cosgrove, e forgives and forgets, the better. i'll tell tate to send the contract over to my house. thank you very much. uh... well, i guess he's gonna sign. well, if he lives. you don't think that chair's deliberately trying to blow the cosgrove deal, do you? i don't know, but that's what we've got to find out. now, darrin, you go to the antiques store. find out all you can about that chair -- how old it is, you know.
goodbye. there, my sweet. just like the other one. and i shall guard this with my life. oh, i'm so grateful to samantha and darrin. whoa! my darling, are you all right? why did you do that? but i did nothing, my love, nothing! i never realized -- you're a dangerous man! [ doorbell ringing ] go answer the door. adelaide, i'm really not dangerous. hi, mr. cosgrove, mrs. cosgrove. i was just passing by. oh, samantha. you came just in time. he just threw me out of the chair. darling, i did not. you did! i was sitting in it, just like -- perhaps you shouldn't sit in it, mrs. cosgrove. maybe it has a broken leg. she's right, darling. please, do be careful. you see? there's nothing wrong with it. oh, you and darrin were such -- samantha: oh, dear! uh -- oh, uh... [ coughing ]
choke me? darling, you know i'd never do anything like that. i just -- oh. your front door was open, so we just walked right in. hello, everybody. hi, louise, larry. well, max. mrs. tate. here we are with your contract. oh, this is no time for contracts. you found another chair! is darrin here? oh! you broke my chair! you did it on purpose! that's it! that's the last straw! i'm going home to mother! get my suitcase! mrs. cosgrove, really. i'm sure he had nothing to do with it. adelaide! but, max, max, the contract! i can't sign any contract now! adelaide! adelaide! he'll never sign the contract! never! the other agency will get him. sam, what's going on here? louise: mrs. cosgrove! light of my life, i'll give you anything you want. i'll even go over to rome and buy that fountain. and i'll buy the water!
did you find out anything? the chair was bought at an auction in boston at the turn of the century. which one? sam! boston, huh? what does it mean? uh, boston. uh-huh. beans. yeah? tea party. uh-huh. nothing. well, maybe mother found something out. you wait here. max: please, honey bunch? adelaide: my mind's made up. what's with the cosgroves? u heard. you just stay here and make sure the coast is clear, huh? stand up. now, come with me. mother. mother? [ ding! ] mother, did you find out anything?
you remember the farnsworth family? it's not one of them? [ gasps ] not him! yes. he had enchantra transform him when you rejected him. oh, mother. what was the spell aunt enchantra used? the simple one without the oxtails. all right. thank you. now, i think it's time for a little woman-to-chair chat. [ ding! ] okay, clyde farnsworth. you just come out here and face me like a... a chair. it won't do you any good to hide. i said come here, and i mean it. do you realize the trouble you've caused? not just darrin and me, but look at the uproar the cosgroves are in. you should be ashamed of yourself.
now, i might be able to understand if you had any sort of excuse, but... well, that's no excuse. that's nonsense. now, you did not have yourself turned into a chair because i rejected you. i told you on our first and only date that we could never be anything more than friends. sam, what are you doing? what do you think? i'm talking to the chair. ask a foolish question... darling, do me a favor. go back inside and make sure no one comes out here. yeah, all right. oh. so that's it. you're jealous of darrin, huh? oh. now, clyde, he is my husband, and i love him very much. and nothing you can do can change that, you understand? now, i'm going to give you a choice. you can either keep feeling sorry for yourself and remain a miserable, old chair, or i can change you back into human form.
good. chair of cloth and wood and grain, become a human being again. [ ding! ] [ gasps ] oh, clyde. why, you haven't changed a bit, not even your clothes. samantha, you're as beautiful as you always were. isn't there any hope for us? we can still be friends. i'd like that. well, i'll be going now. [ ding! ]
what? i fixed the chair. well, how could you? max broke the legs. no, he didn't. it has collapsible legs, so i just pushed them back in place and locked them. then max didn't break the chair? oh, max, i'm sorry. i shouldn't have blamed you, tweety bird. will you forgive me? of course i will, cupcake. will you forgive me? i forgive you, huggy bear. and i forgive you, poopsie. uh, forgive me, but what about the contract? is it all right if i sign, love pot? by all means, honeybunch. [ chuckles lightly ] tea, anyone? [ indistinct talking ] [ both laugh ] darling, i'm proud of you. well, don't thank me. thank clyde farnsworth. it's a gift from him. clyde farnsworth? yeah, i'll explain later.
well... -- captions by vitac [ birds chirping ] you come in and sit down. [ chuckling ] there you go. oh, now, go on. go on. do just what you were doing. [ chuckles ] what are you doing? trying to fix this lamp, but i think i've got it wired wrong. oh, dear. now, do be careful. tricity is a very tricky thing, with all the watts and the ohms and the -- and the -- [ laughs ] i'll call an electrician. oh, no. don't bother, aunt clara. darrin will look at it when he gets home. i'm gonna go take a look at tabitha. you just relax. wait till you see how she's grown. yes. it's no bother.
benjamin franklin? aunt clara, what have you done? ladies, i fear you have the advantage. you seem to recognize me, yet i don't know you or where i am or, for that matter, how i came to be here. are you really benjamin franklin? madam, although a prudent man should be miserly with those things he holds to be certain, i can assure you that i am indeed he. uh, samantha, you know, electricians cost $7.50 an hour. aunt clara. aunt clara, do you know what you've done? you've brought back benjamin franklin -- the famous one. now, all he did was experiment with electricity. he wouldn't know how to fix a lamp. he wouldn't know how to fix a lamp? shocking.
i'm samantha stephens, and this is my aunt clara. enchant?, madame. c'est un grand plaisir de faire votre connaissance. oh, merci! c'est notre plaisir de faire votre connaissance. what did he say? eh, what did you say, i mean? oh, "we're pleased to meet each other," in french, aunt clara. in mr. franklin's time, people often spoke french when they wanted to be very polite. in my time, madam? in my time? how come you just said "my time" as if it were far removed from your own? forgive me, but i am perplexed. mr. franklin... this is 20th-century america. but that's impossible. it's against the laws of nature. you want to see a calendar?
the room filled with devices i've never seen before. can it be -- is it possible that modern science has advanced so far as to be capable of transporting a man from one century to another? well, yes, i suppose you could put it that way. that's fantastic -- absolutely fantastic. you mentioned the word "electricity" earlier. i'm -- i'm curious. i dealt with some of the natural phenomena of electricity. i -- i wonder, did anything come of it? electricity, mr. franklin. but that's -- that's astounding! it's astounding! oh, it does work. it works! oh, there were those in my day
th witchcraft. oh, oh, well, i remember -- aunt clara, let's get mr. franklin some coffee from the kitchen. oh, don't trouble yourself, ladies, although, if you should happen to have a tankard of ale... [ chuckles ] come on, aunt clara. aunt clara, you have to get rid of him -- nicely, of course. now, samantha, he hasn't fixed the lamp, you know. aunt clara, he isn't an ordinary electrician. he's benjamin franklin, and he doesn't belong here. well, um, i suppose you're right. [ chuckles ] yes, i've done it again. hmm? i've gone and witched the whole thing up. oh, no, no, you haven't at all. it was just a little mistake in judgment. as a matter of fact,
it was a bit of the old clara, wasn't it? oh, yes, you can still teach me a thing or two. and i'm sure you can get rid of him just as easily. well, i don't know. it's much harder to reverse the spell, you know. yes, yes, i know. well, aunt clara, you just stay in here and concentrate. i'll go outside and entertain mr. franklin. yeah, concentrate. ooh, i forgot -- one tankard of ale coming up. darrin: hi, honey. hi. well, that's a fine way to greet a husband after a hard day at work. well, what's that?
sam, who is he? what have you done? well, it's -- samantha. oh, he's still here. i thought i had it. oh. mr. stephens, i presume. i'm proud to make the acquaintance of such a charming lady's husband and an enlightened gentleman of the 20th century. i thought i'd sent him back. i might have known. samantha! uh, darling, dinner will be ready in about an hour. d have a nice chatty evening with benjamin franklin? benjamin franklin? that's right. at the risk of your thinking me a vain and foolish old man, can you tell me --
in philadelphia? as you can see, electricity has caught on pretty well. oh, we showed him that first thing. yes! oh, yes, and i am delighted, of course, although i'm still very much in the dark about light. he hasn't fixed the lamp yet, you know. uh, when i was in philadelphia, i began -- i began an experiment of lending books, which i called the public library. every city has one. oh, mr. franklin, so many of your inventions have become household words, well, it's hard to tell you how important they are -- the public library, the fire department, the rocking chair, bifocals. uh, m-m-m-mr. franklin, uh, did you start the fire engine? i started the fire department, madam, yes.
instead of trying to tell all of this to mr. franklin, why don't we show him? tomorrow, aunt clara and i can take him on a tour of the town. oh, that's a splendid idea, madam. sam, no. oh. n-n-now, darrin, i think it would be much simpler, you know. have you two taken leave of your senses? in case you've forgotten, mr. franklin did not exactly get here by bus. but, darrin, no one has to know how he got here. [ doorbell rings ] i'll get that. darrin. larry. am i too early? early? for what? for anything. i'm just dropping in. tonight? yeah. how'd you guess? well, larry, as a matter of fact -- still at dinner, huh? that's all right. i'll just have a drink while you finish. hi, larry. my, it's nice to see you.
why don't you have a drink with larry? i'll clear off the table. well, the electricity comes from outside, you know. isn't that so, samantha? oh, uh, larry, you know my aunt clara. and this is aunt clara's friend, who's a friend of aunt clara's. aunt clara. uh, costume party. we're going to a costume party. oh, tate. larry tate. costume party, huh? wait a minute. don't tell me. let me guess. thomas jefferson. uh, no, sir. mr. jefferson was much taller. my name is benjamin franklin. of course, i should have gotten it -- those little square glasses. yes, they're called bifocals. i invented them. you see, one can look through the top part -- hold it. you're not going to any costume party. we're not? darrin, you sly dog. no wonder you didn't want to let me in the door.
what are you talking about? sam, you've got a sneaky husband. oh? brilliant, but sneaky. oh. we've been racking our brains for just the right approach to the franklin electronics account -- you know, something socko, original. and here it is -- franklin himself! i don't believe i understand, sir. you wish me to lend my name to a commercial venture? terrific, terrific, just the right quality -- integrity, honesty -- let's hear some more. and this time, sprinkle in a few thees and thous -- r the old-world flavor. aunt clara, why don't you show mr. franklin how the telephone works? wonderful gadget, the telephone -- works by electricity. yes. well, just come this way. yes, uh, thank you. oh, come on, darrin. you don't need to keep up the act with me. i'm convinced. just wait till bernie franklin hears about this. he'll be tickled pink. larry, i don't think it's such a hot idea. [ door closes ] sam, they're going outside!
r! abner, there's something funny going on over there! something funny "ha ha," or something funny "you're seeing things again"? [ scoffs ] mr. franklin! aunt clara! don't you think we ought to go inside? it's getting a little chilly out here. mrs. stephens! yoo-hoo, mrs. stephens! yoo-hoo! yoo-hoo! that lady seems to be hailing you, madam. yoo-hoo! mrs. stephens. uh, mrs. stephens, i wonder whether i could borrow -- hello! my name is kravitz, gladys kravitz. my name is -- uh, mrs. kravitz, you know my aunt clara. they're going to a costume party. costume party? how come she isn't dressed? oh, but i am. i'm going as a witch. uh, mrs. kravitz, what is it you wanted to borrow?
would you say no to a lot more money? [excited scream] you just won a million dollars! no thanks. nice balloons, though! or no to more vacation days? janet, i'm giving you an extra week's vacation! oh, ah... nooo. what? no way. who says no to more? like the most free hd channels and virtually unlimited movies and shows on demand, so you can binge all day. call now. and don't forget the free tv app. get ultra-fast internet with secure home wifi to connect all your devices. saving on mobile data fees, helps big time. switch to time warner cable. for $89.99 a month you'll get free hd channels, 100 meg internet and unlimited calling to half the world. we can call aunt rose as much as we want now.
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samantha. samantha. oh, oh, he's gone. mr. franklin -- he's gone. oh, aunt clara, you mean you remembered the spell? oh, no, no, no. he's gone. he's gone. he isn't here. w-w-w-w-what i mean to say is, he's not here, but -- [ stammering ] there. "not wishing to be the source of domestic discord..." [ gasps ] "...i've decided to see a bit of the city myself. with kindest regards, b. franklin." oh! oh, oh, aunt clara, that's terrible! i'll get a babysitter. yes. oh, dear. well, that's the electric company, the phone company,
dear. don't you think you should phone darrin? oh, no. no, no, aunt clara. no sense in him worrying, too. i have an idea. let's try the public library. [ ding! ] [ ding! ] come on, mister. let us in on the gag. what are you advertising? i'm merely waiting, sir, for the library to open. sir, i'm from the morning gazette. hello, mr. franklin. you needn't have bothered, mrs. stephens. oh, no bother at all. but i do think we should be running along. we've got lots of things to see. franklin, huh? how long has he been like this? oh, about 200 years. give or take a few.
what a contraption. i should imagine it's very efficient, too. oh, well, this one must be at least 35 years old. the ones they use now are inside. would you like to inspect this one further? oh, indeed i would. i'll be right back. i want to call darrin. larry, it's just not dignified. that's all. what could be more dignified than a man playing benjamin franklin pitching transistor radios? you told them? of course! [ telephone ringing ] hello. oh, hello, sam. how's it going? don't you worry, darling. everything is going beautifully. and mr. franklin is very grateful to all of us. and this machine operates on the same principle as these other conveyances i see moving about? yes, yes, you see. it's automatic. and there's a button that you press to start it. oh, yes. this button here?
ar! oh, dear! this is very exciting, but how does one turn it off? [ stammering ] if you -- if you -- if you -- what? well, um, don't you think you've seen enough? don't forget, aunt clara has some memory work to do this afternoon. i seem to be moving. where's the braking device? the pedal -- press the pedal. [ siren wailing ] [ horns honking ] [ stammering ] listen. we'll be home in about an hour. s-s-samantha! oh, samantha! [ stammering ] the fire engine! well, what happened, aunt clara? he -- i'm telling you. what? oh, my goodness! oh, my goodness. sam? sam? oh! oh!
and please try and remember that spell. yes, yes. i will. i-i-i will, i will. [ ding! ] [ gasps ] mr. franklin? mr. franklin, are you all right? right this way, lady. i, uh -- i am unhurt, madam. hey, mister, where's the fire? oh, um, officer, i'm samantha stephens. and i'm sure i can explain everything. well, fine. why don't you do it down at the station house? this gentleman, whoever he is, is under arrest. right this way, sir. what a story! "ben franklin steals fire engine." this has all the trappings of some kind of publicity stunt -- the idea that a name like benjamin franklin should be involved in this kind of proceeding. as to whether the name benjamin franklin is involved or not, your honor, i believe i'm the best judge of that.
and bail is set at $1,000. i'll, uh, put up bail, your honor. your honor, could you tell us when the trial will be? oh, in about four weeks. four weeks?! um... your honor, due to the advanced age of the defendant, couldn't we have the trial a little sooner? how old are you? 260. four weeks. you can pay the clerk. your insurance company won't replace the full value of your totaled new car. the guy says you picked the wrong insurance plan. no, i picked the wrong insurance company. with liberty mutual new car replacement?, you won't have to worry about replacing your car because you'll get the full value back including depreciation. and if you have more than one liberty mutual policy, you qualify for a multi-policy discount, saving you money on your car and home coverage.
the right to a speedy trial. oh, don't you worry, mr. franklin. you won't have to stand trial. oh, wait a minute, sam. we can't send him back now. if he doesn't appear in court in four weeks, i'll lose $1,000. i understand, of course... abner, ben franklin! there he is! come quick! come quick! ...although it grieves me to impose upon your hospitality this way. we're delighted to have you. as long as you don't cause any more trouble. where is he? mr. franklin? oh, no! [ gasps ] he -- he was -- he was there. he was there. aah! oh, i remembered! i remembered! aunt clara, aunt clara, you've got to bring him back, or we're out $1,000! well, i -- [ stammering ] what?
[???] -- captions by vitac -- [horn honks] [tires screech] oh, i-- [chuckles] hi, how are ya, dr. bellows? are you all right, sir? i was until i got on the street where you live. that was your car that i just saw moving down the street without a driver in it, wasn't it? hm? oh, yes, yes, well, i can explain that-- uh, don't explain it, major nelson. drop in any time, sir.
[tires screech] [honking] [all cars honking] good morning, officer. is something wrong? do you know this is a one-way street? . i was only going one way. very amusing, but you went through a red light to get here. let me see your driver's license. my what? your license to drive. do you have one? oh, yes, but it is a little old. you mean, it's expired? to tell you the truth, i would not be at all surprised. uh, let's see it. there is a license to drive a chariot.
? oh, no, major nelson let me borrow it. here. thank you. it is very pretty. [giggles] uh, what do i do with it? bring it with you when you come to court monday morning. court? oh, i do not think major nelson would like it if i went to court. you have a nice face. i am sure you would not want to see major nelson unhappy. if you will forget about everything, i will give you anything you wish. are you, um, offering me money? if that is what you wish. how much? oh, how much would you like? ten dollars? if that is what you want. attempted bribery, $10. twenty dollars?
[??] [???] i gotta get my car back. well, have you, uh, talked to the police yet? yeah, i talked to the sergeant at the desk. he said an officer named anderson gave jeannie the ticket. anderson. don anderson. don anderson. i've heard that name before. he was written up in theme magazine for giving more tickets than any other policeman in america. oh, that guy. how'd you get mixed up with him? i didn't get mixed up with him.
he has the whole air force behind him. naw, he'd never do it. he'd say i deserved what i was getting by lending my car to somebody who'd-- who'd, uh-- hey, wait a minute. i can get my car back within the hour. what do you mean? i know how to get dr. bellows to do it for me. oh, that should be easy. all you have to do is tell him that you lent your car to a genie who hasn't driven in 2000 years, and she's a little rusty. no, no, all i need to use is a little psychology. [???] guy finally gets a genie, and they take his car away. i'm sorry i'm late with these lab reports, sir. i would have been here sooner, but i had to wait for a taxi. taxi? where's your car? you mean, the secret experimental car that you saw me in this morning? mm. well, the police have it. uh, that's about it, sir. i think i'd better get back to work. just a moment. yes, sir. did you say the police have it? ckling oh, yes, sir.
it's nothing really important. major nelson. yes, sir. ful of secret equipment and you let it fall into the hands of the police? well, there's really nothing i could do about it. they just took it. well, they're not gonna get away with that. the name of the officer that impounded it is named don anderson. pretty tough guy. oh, tough? yeah. so is the air force. hello? sergeant. get me the police commissioner. you'll have your car back within an hour. no, i don't know, sir. t back. don anderson-- oh, won't he? well, we'll see about that. [???] i see. uh... i wasn't aware of that, sir. thank you, commissioner. the air force appreciates it, sir. goodbye. well, you didn't give me all the facts in the case, major. the facts, sir?
oh, that, yes, well, uh-- this officer anderson, who issued the summons, is objecting strenuously, but because of the military secrecy involved, the commissioner's agreed to drop all the charges. oh, that's wonderful, sir. you certainly handled this brilliantly, i must say. mm, didn't i. i don't know anyone who could've done so well. well, after all, i am a psychiatrist. we deal in all kinds of situations. those years of study have really paid off, haven't they? well, i'll go pick up the car. oh, major. yes? a snow job in july. that's all, major. [???] oh, he is back.
not our car. no, no, my car. you're not to go near that car, jeannie. you mean, i cannot drive anymore? yes, that's exactly what i mean. oh, but i love to drive. it is more fun than a flying carpet. jeannie, you are not-- if you go near that car, i'm gonna get in a lot of trouble. oh. well, i do not want you to get into trouble. that's a good girl. oh, i'm sorry. say, uh, jeannie, how'd you like a bicycle? i'm sorry i'm not a better driver, master. oh, that's all right. [sighs] i am too stupid to learn. oh, no, you're not, it's just, well, our laws are different. it's not like driving in the old days. you're right, master. i could never learn to drive here. sure you could. it's easy. well, i don't know, it would take me 100 years to learn. jeannie, i could teach you in an hour, just like that, really.
you are the most wonderful master in the whole world. but not the brightest. [chules] all right, i'm gonna teach you about intersections. i want you to go back to that one-way street. oh, i want to learn, master. with me in the car, there's nothing to worry about. okay, start her up. [engine starts] [tires squeal] we're coming to the one-way street, turn left. left. right. right. huh? [tires squeal] [all cars honking] jeannie, do you know what you've done to me?
d time? i'll just move it out of the way right now. you were driving from the wrong side of the car. oh, yes, well, it's one of these cars we used to-- hey, wait a minute, i've seen this car before-- aren't you major anthony nelson? yes, yes, that's correct, united states air force. i've sure been anxious to get your autograph. oh, i'd be glad to give it to you. violation of city ordinances 307, 308 and 309. here you are, please sign right there.
roger: "astronaut who found his way through space gets lost on a one-way street." [whistles] hi, tony, i'm just reading about you. did you, uh, see the front page yet? yes, i've seen it, and dr. bellows has seen it, and general peterson has seen it, and-- it's a good picture of you. a good picture? what are you talking about? i don't go around like that. wait a minute, what happened? i was teaching jeannie how to drive. i should've had my head examined. i think you're going to. yeah? major nelson. yes, sir. i've just had a meeting with general peterson about you. oh, how is the general? the general is upset. he just had a call from washington from general burke. general burke is upset. well, if you ask me, the whole thing's pretty funny. oh, uh, do you? the press has been calling me all morning. they're having quite a field day with this little joke. oh, is that right, sir? well, i'm sure they'll forget about it as soon as you call the police commissioner again and--
u see, uh, officer anderson, who issued the ticket to your friend, is complaining that, uh, the air force has exercised undue influence. sounds like a troublemaker to me. general peterson asked me to tell you that from now on, you're on your own. do you understand, major? oh, yes, yes. oh, nice picture of you, major. and, uh, we'll be reading the newspapers very closely. you see, even dr. bellows liked it. huh? aw. boy, listen to him, you'd think you'd committed a murder or something. all you did was go down a one-way street the wrong way. hey, that's pretty funny when you think about it. a one-way street-- [both laughing] yeah, i just hope the judge thinks it's that funny. well, you shouldn't have had dr. bellows fix that ticket. they're really mad now. when officer andson gets you in front of that court-- he's going to love you.
what are you talking about? just say you're sorry. have a nice man to man talk with him. yeah, i don't know, roge. doesn't sound like it would work-- well, you got nothing to lose. yeah, and i suppose it-- i could try it. i could go down to the station and ask the desk sergeant if he could put me on-- no, no, no, don't go to the station. too cold. go to his house. that's nice and friendly. nice and warm, and remember: yeah? both: be jolly nice. [???] [doorbell rings] [clears throat] uh, officer anderson? yeah? oh, hello, major. hello. what do you want? oh, i was just wondering if i could talk to you a couple of minutes. come on in. thank you. what can i do for you, major? frankly, i'd like to talk to you about the summons you gave me. oh, you would. yeah. just let me get a cigarette. tony: of course.
anderson: thank you. sit down, major. oh, thank you. probably more comfortable. yes, i'm terribly sorry. say, uh, you, uh-- you have quite a reputation. you, uh, i-i read the article in theme magazine last week, and it was excellent, really excellent. oh, thank you. you have quite a reputation yourself. well, that's part of the reason i wanted to talk to you. i suppose being celebrities of a sort. you mean, you came to talk to me about the ticket? yes. um... well, i wanted to apologize for what happened. you mean, you admit you were wrong? yes, i did make a mistake. you violated the law. well, i-i don't want you to think it was intentional. it certain-- but you did. yes, yes, i did, and, uh, i-- now that i've said i'm sorry, i feel much better for it. um, i'm a serviceman myself. i understand about duty.
well, it's certainly been nice talking to you, and-- oh, what a splendid-looking young chap. is this your son? my nephew. loves the space age. big fan of yours. oh, really? say, uh, i'll bet he would like a model of the x-15. is that an offer? oh, well, yes, yes. oh, thank you. if you would just give me his address, i could-- i beg your pardon. i said if you could give me his address, i could send it immediately. oh, that won't be necessary, major. to hear. nice boy. you just tried to bribe me. [???] [whistles] hi. oh, hi, roge. hi, hi. can i talk to you a minute? i'm-- i'm sorry, i'm kind of busy right now, i'm going to court. yeah, well, that's what i'd like to talk to you about. i'd like to go with you.
you don't have one, do you? i don't think i need a lawyer. well, that's where you almost made a very serious mistake. you gotta have somebody speak for you. it's just a small little case. it's a traffic case, you know. there's nothing small or simple in law, you know. what do you know about it? well, i studied pre-law before i was an astronaut. i probably could fix it up, so you wouldn't get a fine at all. hey, you did, you had a whole year of law. listen, if you can't help your best friend, why, who can you help? hey, that's right. you'll be out in two seconds. you would be a lot better than me. just let me do all the talking. n't say anything. tony: yeah. judge: you've heard the facts of the case, mr. zane. what have you got to say about it? zane: i have been stealing fruits, your honor, but i've been out of work for four months and have six kids at home to feed. as soon as i get a job, i'll pay it all back. mm-hm. all right.
however, i'll suspend that sentence when restitution is made. look, don't worry about a thing. just leave it to me. the meaner they are, the better i like 'em. don't do anything flashy. just leave it to me. bailiff: anthony nelson. that's us. [???] [indistinct chatter] uh, your honor, i'm representing major nelson. judge: is the arresting officer here? ah, the defendant is charged with, uh, going the wrong way down a one-way street. uh, sir, i-- we plead guilty. i'd like to pay the fine. and attempting to bribe an officer in the performance of his duty. how do you plead? could i talk to my client a couple of minutes? one minute. one minute. what's this about a bribe? you didn't tell me anything about a bribe--
w a model of the x-15, that's all. that's all? and he-- we'll fix him. your honor, this whole thing has become ridiculous. i would hardly call an offer of a model plane a bribe. what do you have to say to that? anderson: it wouldn't be an important bribe to you or to me, and he was trying to reach me through that little boy. how could you possibly do that to a little boy? i don't believe that you could-- oh, ahem, well, if officer anderson's going to take that attitude, my client and i are not gonna plead guilty to anything. don't worry about a thing. they made a mistake. they made me mad. since the defendant denies all the charges, does the arresting officer wish to offer evidence?
i object! judge: sit down. yes, sir. for the record, could you identify major nelson? certainly, your honor. major nelson is right there. [magic boings] and there. there. and there. [laughing] can you identify major nelson or not? anderson: my eyes are a little blurred, your honor, but i-i would like to show the court a motion picture i took of major nelson's confession. i think this will clear up any questions the court may have. uh, bailiff, please. [???] anderson [on screen]: hello, major. come on in.
when he ran that film? yeah, now, look, i don't want you to be too amused, especially in front of jeannie. all right, come on, cool it. uh, jeannie, would you come out, please? did it go well, master? oh, yes, yes, it just-- it went fine, jeannie. but i don't want you to think that all police officers are like officer anderson. oh, i do not, master. good, and in the future, you just stay out of his way, huh? oh, i will, master. hey, how about me in there, huh? me, was i pretty good? maybe i should've been a lawyer? [chuckling] yeah, sure. hey, you want to stay for dinner? no, i've gotta be going. can i use yours? oh, sure. may i have the keys, please? are you going driving, major healey? no, jeannie. i'm going straight home. i will drive you home. sure, you will, yeah. [engine revving] [???] jeannie. jeannie! wait! jeannie! jeannie!
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oh, uh-- uh, hi. hello. i'd be fascinated to know how you do that, major. oh, it's a-- it's a new theory i'm working on. um...reactive aerodynamics. i knew it. you did? we must apologize for intruding on your sunday like this, but we were just passing by-- we were nowhere near the place. oh, no, it's all my fault, major. i made alfred drop by. i've been dying to see your house. a bachelor living all alone. i can't wait to see what you've done with it. oh. it's just an ordinary, everyday, run-of-the-mill house. you could call this house a lot of things, major. but i don't think you could call it that. do you mind if i take a peek? oh, uh-- uh-- uh, mrs. bellows-- i'm sorry, but when amanda makes up her mind... uh, yes, sir. oh. it's charming. utterly charming. oh, well, i'm glad you like it. it looks so... lived in. yes.
i, uh, expected to see more of a haunted house. [tony laughing] and you live here all alone. yes. well, i'm just going to have to find a nice young girl for you. ooh. wh-what happened? oh, it's-- it's, uh-- it's the wind. when the the kitchen door is opened, it whips around the corner here. oh, what a heaven kitchen. yes. we're just going to have to get you married. ahh! oh! but major, there's no wind. uh, cat, sir. you don't have a cat. the neighbor's cat. you're going to make someone a marvelous husband. oh! huh? oh, alfred. look! it's exactly what i've been looking for, for the living room. you know, that place over in the-- oh. wherever did you find it? i, uh, picked it up on a deserted island in the pacific. it's just a little piece of bad luck. i must have it. well, i-- i really couldn't let it go, mrs. bellows, i'm sorry.
yes, salvatori & sons can make an exact duplicate of this. that's an excellent idea. now, don't you worry. don't you worry about your bottle, major. i'll bring it in first thing in the morning. it will take no time at all to make a copy of it. i don't think it's a good idea. why don't you let me give you a lamp? or the couch? it's a brand new couch. no, no, no. i have what i want. when amanda makes up her mind, there's no telling exactly what-- [glass smashing] oh. talk to your neighbor about their cat. 're not gonna have any bric-a-brac left. goodbye, major. thank you so very much. uh-- don't you worry about this bottle. i'll bring it back-- if i could talk to you-- goodbye, major. enjoy your day. ye-- ow! you let that woman take my bottle! w-well, what could i do? you saw how she-- there was nothing i could do. when she's through having a copy made, she's going to find you a wife. well-- who could afford a wife? i'm gonna spend my life paying for the stuff you broke. what am i going to do without my bottle? she's gonna have a copy made.
[chuckles] well, i don't know. uh. uh... look, look, look. look, nice drawer. you'd be comfortable in there. i do not want to sleep in a drawer. well, uh... here, look, look-- i think i will take in your bedroom. but, mine? well, where would i stay? in the drawer, master. oh, jeannie, now-- jeannie? jeannie! [chuckling] there. you will be nice and comfortable. wait a minute, jeannie. you don't expect me to sleep in here! yes, master. and in the morning, i am sure you will have thought of a way to get my bottle back. now, wait one minute, young lady. if you think you're gonna get away-- hey, now, wait! jeannie! ahh! oh.
it's the most comfortable drawer i ever slept in. let me out of here, please. did you figure out a way to get my bottle back? [sighs] yes, i did. ooh! what are you going to do? [grunts] i'm gonna call salvatori & sons, and tell them to have the duplicate bottle finished by tonight. and then on my way home from work, i'll pick it up. oh! what time are you it up? about 7:00. oh. oh, i cannot wait. oh, master, i will go down there and get into the bottle, and wait for you, and you can pick both of us up at the same time. uh, n-no. i don't think that's a terribly good idea, jeannie. please. no, i'm afraid not. please. no, really. please, please, please, please? all right, it's against my better judgment. but be careful. oh, yes, master! okay. i'm gonna go get dressed. [laughs] uh, would you--?
[chuckles] [???] look at that. no one can tell one from the other. hm. oh, here, here. just a little bit here. aha. [???] [delighted squeal] [sighs] salvatori: now... we wrap them and, uh, i'm gonna deliver them to mrs. bellows, huh? son: yes, papa. oh. [door bell jingles] i appreciate your coming along. it should take a couple of minutes. how do you get yourself into these things? can i help you? oh, yes.
that's it. you want to see it, huh? uh, no. i'm in kind of a hurry. a friend of ours is waiting for us to pick her up. oh. i see. all right. then i'll bring here your bottle, huh? gino! gino: yes, papa. you bring here the original bottle for mr. nelson. yes, papa. thank you. salvatori: uh, you know, it takes a little time, but it comes out so perfect. i'm proud of myself. tony: oh, good. salvatori: here you are. tony: thank you very much. mrs. bellows' bottle. tony: oh, good. tell her i hope she enjoys it. good night, and thanks again. salvatori: good night. no. no! no, you've got the wrong bottle! oh, master! master, no! help! help! [sobbing] boy, i'll bet jeannie can't wait to get out of that bottle. yeah. there we are. come on out, jeannie.
leave it. come on, jeannie. come on out. jeannie? say, you don't think that we could've gotten the wrong bottle, do you? of course. of course it's the wrong bottle. there's not even any furniture in there. you know-- you know what this means? dr. bellows has the bottle, and jeannie's inside of it. i have an uncle in the insurance business. maybe he could get jobs for both of us. i'll get it back. amanda, we're gonna be late. it's very neurotic of you. i'm coming, i'm coming. you know, you're very compulsive about being prompt. that isn't healthy. amanda. [phone rings] oh. who now? dr. bellows. tony: oh, uh, hello, dr. bellows? this is major nelson. how are you this evening, sir? oh, i'm just fine, thank you, major. what can i do for you? uh, i went over to salvatori's and, uh, picked up my bottle. i got the wrong one. i think you have the original. oh? as a matter of fact, it was just delivered.
oh, i'm sorry, major. but we're just on our way out to a dinner party. well, i-i can be there in 10 minutes. well, there won't be anyone here, major. uh, but, sir, i've got to have that bottle tonight. well, look, uh... does it matter whether it's tonight or tomorrow? it's just a bottle, isn't it? oh. well, y-yes. yeah, it-- then i'll see that you get it tomorrow. now, is there anything else? no, i can't think of anything, sir. then good night, major. good night. hm. oh, uh...i forgot to tell you, darling, the, uh-- mr. salvatori just delivered the bottle. oh, i can't wait to see what it's like. uh-uh-uh. you can wait until tomorrow. we're late. come on-- oh, darling. the major was very awfully anxious about his bottle. i know. i bet it's like a blanket to him. you know? it gives him a sense of security? amanda, leave the psychoanalyzing to me. hm? we're late.
give you the bottle in the morning. when they get back from the party, what's the first thing mrs. bellows is gonna do? take off her girdle. roger, she's going to open the bottle. and guess who's gonna come out? well, i have another uncle in the real estate business. we've got to get that bottle right away. you said it was in dr. bellows' house. yeah, that's right. well, what are we gonna do? how are we gonna get it? we're gonna break in. oh. no, we're not. no, no. give me that. wait. i'm not going to break in. you're going to break in. i'm not going to break in. get the flashlight.
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no, no, it's locked. oh, good. let's go. we can't leave jeannie here. there's an open window up there. great, if you're 25-feet tall, you could just walk right through it. give me a lift, will you? best idea you ever had. my car's down the street. roge. hold that. oh, wait a minute. you're not gonna climb up there? oh, don't. watch out. shh. be careful.
it worked. all right. come on. wait. i just figured out we could get 10 years for this. you take that side of the house, i'll take this side. and a court-martial. huh? oh, go on. and that's not all. yeah. i hate leaving a party early. i'm sorry, darling. i can't help it if i've got a splitting headache. i didn't say you could help it. i merely said it was psychosomatic. why couldn't i have married a butcher? oh, come now.
we're being burglarized. go call the police. while i go call the police, they could escape. well, wh-what are you gonna do? i'm going in there. darling, you can't. you could get yourself killed. i can take care of myself, my dear. alfred, i didn't mean what i said about the butcher. no guilty feelings, please. alfred! [whispers] wh-where are you going? i have a gun in the garage. uh, come with me. [laughs nervously] yahh!
in the study. hey, look, why don't we turn on some lights so we-- so we can see what we're doing, huh? we don't want anybody to know we're in here, remember? oh, yeah. yeah, i remember. come on. yeah. i once saw a movie where an innocent guy helped his friend break into a house to steal some letters. what happened? they were both machine-gunned to death. let's go. let's take one more look over here. now, wait a minute. come on. wait. there it is! great. well, let's get her and get out of here. jeannie? oh! good. [clatters] what'd you do? i just knocked over the chinese checkers. well, pick 'em up! are you kidding? who wants to be neat at a time like this? you want dr. bellows to know somebody's been in his house? that's what i said. let's pick 'em up. i'm gonna take them by surprise. hide somewhere until it's over. all right. good luck. and remember, alfred, shoot first and ask questions afterward.
tony: hurry! roger: ooh! oh! i just lost some of my marbles! put your hands up and stay right where you are! major healey. what are you doing here? oh. oh, ask-- [gasps] major nelson! what are you doing--? would you mind explaining to me what--? he's asleep. asleep? oh, sir, he can't be asleep. that's impossible. we just-- [grunts] oh. oh, asleep! yes, sir. he's asleep. he's sleepwalking. yeah, well, you see, uh, tony sleepwalked here. that's-- and you came along to see that nothing would happen to him.
not so loud. you'll wake him up. mustn't startle him. yeah. give me a hand with him, will you? we may as well put him on the couch. yeah, easy. oh! oh, he's very heavy. yes, sir. ooh! no, no, no. oh, he's a heavy sleepwalker. amanda: alfred? alfred, are you all right? oh. major healey, major nelson. what--? what are they doing here? major nelson is sleepwalking. he's been sleepwalking. sleepwalking. in our house? why? well, uh, i'm glad you asked that. you see, uh-- we, uh-- when he was a little boy, he used to walk-- well, it's really quite obvious. you see, major nelson came here because he wanted his bottle. yeah, well, i knew you'd find out sooner or later. you see, our problem is-- and it was preying on his mind. preying on his subconscious. why, it's the old classic case. you know, i bet i can tell you exactly what happened. i wish you would.
he went to sleep. but he couldn't sleep because the bottle was on his mind. the compulsion to get it back was so strong that he got up, and then either phoned you or went to your house? either way. and then you came here with him. hm. marvelous. oh, darling, however did you figure all that out? my dear, i'm a psychiatrist. amanda. but, uh... is why this bottle means so much to major nelson. uh...well, sir, as i was saying, see, we had two bottles-- no, no, no. the truth, major healey. yes, sir. well, you see, we had the two bottles, and we tried to get-- [grunts] yes? major nelson here. darling, he's waking up. now, there's nothing to be alarmed about, major nelson. nothing to be alarmed about. you're in my house. in your house, dr. bellows? i knew he'd be surprised.
s: you've been walking in your sleep. [laughing] tony: i've never done that before, sir. believe me, there's nothing to worry about. now, as you were saying, major healey? we had these two bottles-- i feel awfully faint. do you have any water? of course. maybe something for a headache. of course. you stay right there. thank you. thank you. you just won the academy award. here we are. here we are, major nelson. oh, thank you, sir. it's more than kind of you. water? easy. easy. i'll take that, amanda. you're too kind, mrs. bellows. oh, why, it's a very lucky thing we arrived when we did. yeah, we're lucky. how's your headache? oh, fine, it's-- i think it's getting better. i-i ought to be leaving now. i'm sorry to have intruded like this. you brought the copy to exchange. yes, sir. let's exchange it. we don't have to tonight. well, of course, tonight! otherwise, you'll be walking in your sleep again. and the next time you might get shot. now, there you are, major.
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you've been through a lot. a lot, sir. we've all been through a lot. i'll take this. now...major-- i don't mind keeping this till the evening. no, it's all settled. alfred? you know, i am sorry i started this whole thing. [chuckles] major, i should've taken the couch. the couch? oh, yes. the flowers are theirs. oh, i'm sorry. now, major, everything is all set. all you have to do is relax. tony: i'm terribly sorry. and then you get a good night's r tony: but wouldn't you like that--? a good night's rest, major. uh-uh. uh. good night. [laughing] alfred... oh. ...is he always like that? oh, no. this is one of his good days. ooh? roger, do me a favor, will you? tomorrow morning, call your uncle in the real estate business. ask if he's got any openings. what are you so worried about, anyway? what am i worried--? give me that.
ah. be careful. you have any idea what's going on at doctor bellows' house right now? no. what? mrs. bellows is opening that package. and right about now, she's... opening the bottle. and you know what's coming out of the bottle? smoke. and do you know what that smoke is turning into? jeannie. that's what it's gonna turn into. j-jeannie?! master! [both laughing] hey. how did you get here? i do not know. rmind decided we needed a miracle, so when you were talking, i switched the bottles. oh, major healey. thank you! well... oh. [all laughing] oh! oh, oh, oh. my own bottle! oh. and my own genie. oh, you shouldn't have. ho-ho-ho. you know better than to give roger his own bottle, much less his own genie. open it. oh. boy-- oh! [laughing] oh. oh-ho-ho! whoo! oh! it's champagne.
i guess we might as well drink to it. oh. is that really champagne? sure is. [? ? green acres is the place to be ? ? farm livin' is the life for me ? ? land spreadin' out so far and wide ? ? keep manhattan, just give me that countryside ? ? new york is where i'd rather stay ? ? i get allergic smelling hay ? ? i just adore a penthouse view ? ? darling, i love you, but give me park avenue ? ? the chores ? ? the stores ? ? fresh air ?