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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  October 31, 2016 11:35pm-12:03am EDT

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even weirder, in the soap world. i play uncle albert, the t bresn surgeon-gynecologist in new orleans. [ laughter ] >> braur gynecologist. >> gynecologist. hyen it. >> yeah, hyphen it. and elizabeth mcgovern-- are brother and sister, right? and-and they are now pregnant. brother and sister are pregnant, and uncle albert can't have this. so, at four months, he's trying to get her to have the baby, so it's not a disaster to the family. >> i see. >> and we pick them up, in the operating room, while he's trying to persuade her. >> are you-- follow all of this, folks? well, let's see muc >> more oxygen. push, elena! push! >> i'm only four-months pregnant! >> i know it's a little premature, [ muffled ]e is running out. >> uncle albert, you're a brain surge. [ muffled ] now, girl.orry aboutt, push! push!
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>> elmore. that is your is wife, in' there. just yards away. >> i know that, honey. that's what excites me. exc>>es. elmore. [ music ] >>urse. swab. [ music ] wait, a minute. somethin' strange going on, he-- richard. >> yes, uncle albert. its richard >> richard, darling! >> this is my child. i birthight t p me on, margaret. we're callin' the police.>> oh,. uncle albert is trying to indme four-months pregnant. you ke your filthy hands off
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applse ] that'rre picture. [ some cerg an athe end of it, peter falk actually comes into the world the soap era,so igetl >> it is. fuat ipiur andead.wish mh luck,. >> thank you, very much. >> knoyou go you-- take the son out trick-or-tin >> you got a three-year-old. >> firsti'a o class. three-ye-o.>> first. >> sl -lahter ] and then-thehallowee >> thanks, for comin >> areciit >> [ applse ] [ music ] >> we'll be back, folks.
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you didn't read your car insurance policy. yoju stuck it in a drawer somewhere and forgot about it. until a dump truck hit your pickup tr
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who knows? you didn't read it. you can't even find it. the liberty mutual app with coverage compass? makes it easy to know what you're covered for whatou're not. call liberty mutual for a free quote today at rage cpass? gives you the policy information you need at a glance. available 24/7 bileevice. switch to liberty mutual call liberty stands with you?. liberty mutual insurance. [ music ] [ applause ] okay, my next guest-- [ cheering ]
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this young comedian has, uh, been with us, once before. he's a regular, at the improvisation, in hollywood. he's gonna be at a new club, in san ramon, california, the 12th of december, called tony t's. and you may have seen him on ed's show, "star search," where he was, uh-- he was a finalist. anthony griffith? anthony? [ music ] [ applause ] >> thank you, very much! glad tbeachere. i just moved here, to california, from chicago. [ applause ] yeah thank you. i first started performing in college. i majored in the. but my school would only put on plays like "oklahoma," "aet yr gun--" plays in which i couldn't really laughter ]my talent.[ so i just got tired aying ings like, "mo' biscuits, sir?" i was a butler, just about every play i was in, in college. in fact, i was a butler have butlers. [ some laugh] believe it or not, i was a butler, in "west side story."
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people would cup to -- "do you know where maria is?" "i dunno where maria is. i know where the biscus [ laughter ] and at the time that i left chicago, every 12 seconds, a crime was being committed, in the city. which was scary. especially to me, because that meant, ery 12econds, i was a suspect, ya know. [ some laughter ] maze me how i could walk into a store, and every eye would watch me, simply because tan eier er som tchhing,a know. ip "no,'m jusokin" are you looking for?" [ laughter ]el rht n, i'm okin' for rai makyostop buggin' me." [ laughter ] [ applause ] inac u i was mistakenly arrested for attempted murder, once, and-- it was funny, to me, how appene because i was workin' out, at a health spa, and i was in the process of takin' off my gym shoes and socks. and the police came up to me and said, "you're under arrest for attempted mu."
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and i pled along-- "yeah, it's me, baby." [ laughter ] i wasn't going tilma not as skinny as i am. no. [ laughter ] it's nice to be loved, but-- [ laughter ] ya know.[ lahter ] [ applause ] thank you. it's very expensive, i went shoppin' for some gym shoes, the other day, came acrosthe reeboks that advertise the pump.
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if i have to pay $175 r someasketball shoes, those shoes should be to play basketball without me. [ laughter ] i should be able to drop them off at the gym, 'em ulater-- "did we win?" [ laughter ] pl ] another expensive brd arrds. and kids literally beg their parents for air jordans.yo evywhere you go-- the air jordans!ave i gotta be like michael!" thmilliodollars, like michael... [ laughter ] i'm takin' your butt to payless." [ laughter ] [ applause ] gym shoes are so mainstream, now, in our society. i read a article, where a shoe company sent 500 boxes of gym shoes to ethiopia, as ithe ethiopiansheamine, would look at these boxes
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i think catwe can that cheetah goin' 70 mile an hour." [ laughter ] [ applause ] i could just picturethiopian hi a bus--ff going, "here, cheetah, cheetah, cheetah." ohan, one right over there! man, but no wonder we can't catch him. he wearin' gym shoes, o!" i also know there's a lottlovers i hate dogs. people say dogs are man's best friend? i have yet to have a best friend poop in my living room. [ applause ] [ chring and people think dogs wi lay down their lives for you, which is sun i had a fire in my house, last year, and my dog was the first one out the house. [ some laughter ] in fact, i didn't know there was a fire, until he called me up, on a pay phone, across the street. [ laughter ] i'm runnin' outside,
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how come you didn't bark?" "h. you got a smoke detector. [ ughter ] [ apau ] in d,icago, if a dog poops in public, weicsay,isu're supposed who is the real mastin ts relat? hter? thenyove pple ss t one of the most emrrassing imyed one time, on my y to work.a d m, weg a swter and a matchingap.?-?
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[ music ] [ applause ] okay, here is a, uh-- kevin pollak hasn withs, before. he's a talented young actor and comedian.
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at cobb's, in san francisco. he'sot a rol in the new movie "avalon," which is playing, i guess, all over the country, or a theat nu, or around a corner, or wherever. [ chuckling ] wod you welcome kevin pollak? kevin? music ] [ applause ] [ cheering ] >>ow's everybody? >> y-- oh, fine, fine. the question is, how are you? ery good! [ laughter ] >> you are-- you're gutsy. >> what're you sayin >> you're gutsy. now-- >> what? >> somodtold me you were gonna come out and do something, but i wasn't quite ready for this. >> normally, i wear a suit, stfy, to be honest with ya.e >> w-- >> a-- >> i unders-- you had a birt, yestday. is-- anything to do with-- is this a midlife crisis, or something, or-- [ some laughter ] >> all right, i-i was gonna try to cover up and save fa-- i was told we were all wearing costumes, tonight. okay? [ laer ]
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so-- [ some laugh this is eat. you know, i have no part g this is it. >> are you gonna wea outis tonight? >> i do. i have a to ty to. this is the probm. i didn't have time. and i had to-- i'm going right to this party. it'sither six hours atarty, in a suit, which would look good on this show, or a in is-- i think i madeg de thsion. >> i would be very-- [ laughter ] i wouly careful where you walk, inown, withhat outfit, ght. [ laughter this cous could benighto rememb. >> if i, uh-- you know, 'sunnyou?? youo tend tfloat, a little bit. i'lle honest wityou. [ laught ]if i coulde honest, though, it'suh-- it's-it's not just hallowe. i-i do have ep feelings for ed. and, uh, [ laughter ]tell me- d-don't leave me hangin', ed. i know you feel something. >>eah. yseen it, in his eyes. freddy, you've seen somethin', right? [ laughter ] my therapist said, you ow, go all the way, with it. no, it's halloween. you're sp-- for christmas. you know, you're supposed ta-- [ laughter ] festive! that's all. >> you're strange. range person.
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[ laughter ] >> can i set this here? >> you'rk--uc you're stuck with it, now. >> yeah. >> what year was it, yesterday? y-- what-whayear yeah. yeah, "year." >> i was, uh, 33. >> really? >> and, uh, my birthday, i was [ cohi 33. and, uh-- yeah. thirty-three. >> ye a yog man. at are ya worried ou pleasei'galing, obviously >>eah. >>e a i havt to, uh-- [ laughter ] i have a whole career ahead o' me that just [ snapping ] wey, lwae that. "avat a big oght hoa - outdo c? i did it. i o how. >> you did i >> but, uhya know. >>eah. is very sus for urir intngestingor-- , uh, get, uh, >> no? >> i aays a book, from the same reve looking at the monitor-- people tune in, they're think this is "love connection," or something. [ laughter ] i got the quiver, re n' me. now, uh-- no, i usually-- there's no cupid, withoua quiver. >> youw- you know what's gonna happen, don't ya? some guy's gonna tune in late-- and see this and n know what the hell is goin' on. >> that's why i wore it. no. i-- so. i, uh-- i n't geif i a bo. i always g a book, from. slati
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>> "avalon." ya don't wear this, in, uh-- >> no. >>n the movie. >> aua jus-i wore this, in a fi, that a cos bactumer,tage-- put this togethe wee th in the film i just did-- l "great moments ive chuckling ] where i do a thi cupas. anhougd t wouldever and-- [ lahter ]'s in big "good! you got reer! what do you care?" "well, i normally wear a suit and a tie." "no, it'll be good. ll right. laugh!""a [ laught ] so. th's all right. >> y-you can't win 'em all. >> i g iotonthe i sh theorner. >> you better haveoney
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it an antique. >>o,elseou want-- uh-- >> s- no. >> you're movie-- you're a mie buff. at have you seen, lately? >> i've-- y-- i go to see all the movies. >> yeah. >> ya kn and, uh, there's a very strange year. first of all, recurring themes. lot ovie m- >> suels? >> have similar themes, this year. yh. >> uh, "presumed innent," about a guy who's accused illing his coworker. "anoth 48 hours," about a guy who's evenal killed by a coworker. "ghost," about a who was killed by his coworker. i didn't realize there's so much stress, at the off i had no idea. [ laughter ] "ghost." they advertise, "you will believe," right? hean't quite get a grip on the outfit. it takes a few segments. no. "ghost--" "you will believe." the rest of the movies, this year, shoulda been advertised, "this is not true. we'll tell ya, ght up front." "die hard ii--" the e in t cockpit, where they throw the hand grenades, and willis is in there? i'm assuming everyone re played army, as a kid. when you pull out the pin, whaddya got? three, five seconds? what does willis have, in the cockpit? like, a day and a half, in there? some laughter ] you can watch all the guys in the aienc when the hand grenade's gonna-- they're all going, "one thousand one, e thousand two, one thsand three."
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[ somee shoulde definitely gone by noone thnd thirty-six." "total recall?" very believable film they're getting a lottdos, for schwarzenegger's acting, s film. thademaward nomina gonna get knhe's never beenr. what did the amy wan these peop are so toug [ laughter ] >> they've got standards. they have standards. >> treercranky, the academy. [ chuckling ] they do have standards, yes. uh-- laughter ] and he's giving them these dramatic-- a laughter ] >> y knoe minutes-- boom, right to the joke. alright. [ laughter ] the audience loves it-- >> freddy is-- freddy-- what're you doing this for? he wants the clip,ip? we have go right now. >> okay, we'll set this up. >> they wanna see this. no. [ laughter ] , th wanna see this. [ some laughter ] this is a scene, in "avalon," a story of the innocence of america, thugh ths of tone particular family. [ chkling ] and, uh, aidan quinn and i have opened upour owbusin, and this is our own television commercial, to sell our own new store.
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[ laughter ] >> h i'm jules kaye. >> and i'm izzy kirk. that's right, jules. july, the y you'll get independence from higher prices, when kaye and kaye expands, to serve you better.ousa si square feet of discounted merchandize. >> and, with that guaranteed lowest-price-in-town sticker price-- that doesn't sound right. >> okay, cut it. >> what? sounded good, to me. >> you said "priceice. that's what threw you off. >> "price" twi. >> "lowest-price-guarantee sticker." >> "guaranteed... >> lowest-price sticker." >> this is tough. >> read the card. >> i told ya we shoulda got the announcer guy, because i'm not good at this. >> no, no, no, they're too professional. >> i'm not good at this! >> you're very good. we're salesmen. who better to sell, than salesmen? [ sighing ] besides, uh, we can't even afford this. [ laughter ] >> you're gonna kill me, with this.>> how are ya? >> every time i turn around,
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the budget wset aside, r adveising. >> yeah. how many times have i told ya? noing will get the message across, ke that. >> now, you tolde. television. you ve television. [ appl >> ah. gotta go? we gotta take-- do this. we're comin' back. stay wa ar y
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ch?k er i thank ya, for co, tonight,in you've learn aua
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humbd, by that applause. ? ?r ( strummi ) i hano cab far coming in. ( tapping cu ) no nothing. joe, as long as we're ounded i'llhat d where the door's sticking.
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y, w roch out r the giant frog. i see it. grab the nitrogen tank. veou got a death wi, n? l rit, i see it. he got you. how many more must die, giant frog i can't stand this anymore! ev since you twond that game on the plane
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th. he bri. th. ere's your broth? did you just you call rian th. ere's yoyeah.oth?
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are pretendi tige pi m'ltu ophone anquotheng them? aljust guess when our next flight leaves. od m ning, brn. go morning, fay? i n't think so. 's gatng, y. dren are singing. a warm feeli of hope crles us all. co heryogorgeous thi. th don'tay t. [c iman like you ge tirf heing is th don'tay t. but i must tyou today you look especially beautiful
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?you ey hadet ghthere hat me spo but how could he..? ls ahead and has a buddy set the thinup. is ts r real? don't you just want well, i probably suldim? but i just h too good a time. i can't lie this ia ay withverying. i t sgh tng... see what i mean? ok, gitto roy. y . give it to me. g f.'m abo to 9venr the mushroom pale.
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wj fuse tspen one more mine this belongs the lost d foun u twboys ndt anothetoy to play with. that gamgood-bye, fellas. anothetoy don't worry. to play withi'll get it back. don't count on it. she's had my harmonica for six months. hey. hey. sten, um i juted to check in with you this morning. wai dreaming, or did weally hav? we had a of fu maybe we could hfun again toghuh? if youe i have to stay home tonight. t yobucould always stay home with me.
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i did. funny, it almost sounded like you said you did. that's what i said. funny, it almost sounded... 8:00? thank you. see you toni okey-dokey. this is a great day, fay! children are singing a warm feeling of hope cradles us all... oh, for pete's sake, i've got work to do. ( knocking ) hi. am i late? yes. four whole seconds. goht in traffic. come on . oh, boy. wow. i nevewoulr thousee the inside of this place. it looks so different through my teles. i'm kidding.
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listen, i woulhave ttenlowers bui couldn't get intohe place i usually go. e peop we me threallye. this is very nice. oh, who's this? the old army gang? oh, yeah. my platoon. alexyou might find thisarto believe buyou're the first soldieveat.h. my platoon. you knowhat thay. we do moreefor00 a.mthan mo. maouelf comfortae. ex ldl i hopeame'ay. ( snif
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mberen my ge fk waitwhat..? joe and helen me everything t ur c e little date packages. feeling like tld's biggest fool. they had ial
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you just threw me in od how manyther wom. car keys are in there.u just threw me in w am i suppose toet home? be spontaneous.
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