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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  January 7, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EST

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captioning sponsored by cbs ( band playing "late show" theme ) >> welcome to the "late show"! (audience chanting)
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everybody! hey! (cheers and applause) hey, hey! can you feel it! can you feel it! thanks so much! welcome to the "late show"! hey, everybody! thanks so much for being here. i'm stephen colbert. we've got a fantastic show tonight, but before we get going, i've got a major announcement: we also have a fantastic show tomorrow night. because tomorrow, for the first time in the history of "the late show," we will be live, and because it's live, it'll be chock full of all the cursing, nudity, and violence we normally cut out in post. you'll finally learn why we refer to the first three rows of
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zone." we'll bring squeegees and panchos. (laughter) but before we do tonight's again, great show, i really need to clear the air here. i'm sure you can feel that i'm upset. and here's why: i believe, that if there is one universal truth in our chaotic, random universe, it is this: breakfast is the most important meal of the day. (cheers and applause) if we don't know that, what do we know? so i take mine very seriously. i frequently start my morning with the american classic known as the b.l.t. -- b-bacon, l-lettuce, t-tomato. let me tell you what happened -- and this is true -- i ordered a b.l.t. for breakfast from a local deli, and i asked for it the same way i always do, with extra tomato. i find tomato really complements
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non-taste of the lettuce. plus, tomato is loaded with potassium, which is essential for... my potassium stuff. but this morning's b.l.t. shook me to my core, or what would be my core if i did not have b.l.t.s for breakfast. i promise you, this is true. jimmy, can we put up a picture of the me with the actual b.l.t. in question? all right, jimmy, enhance! there it is! i see the b. i see the l. but where the hell is the "t?" where is my tomato?! there isn't any! and a b.l.t. without the "t" is just b.l., it's "bleh!" (laughter) and if this abomination meets the standard for a b.l.t., then what did we fight at lexington and concord for? just rip the constitution off the statue of liberty and erase the map on the back, because the
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overreacting! (laughter) i just want tomato on my sandwich. okay, you're right. i should be the bigger man here. despite the trauma i have experienced with my sandwich, i'm going to move on with my life. i have so much to be grateful for, like the great, though not-live show we have for you tonight. (cheers and applause) and i'll prove it. (bleep). okay? if that was bleeped at home, we're not live. my first guest tonight is the star of the new showtime series, "billions", damian lewis. (cheers and applause) he won an emmy for his work on "homeland," where he was played by the brilliant claire danes. (laughter)
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then i'll be talking to the lovely and talented america ferrera. (cheers and applause) or as her friends call her for short: "amerrera." she's the star of the new sitcom "superstore", which i believe is about a man who gets superpowers after he is bitten by a radioactive wall-mart. (laughter) i will get through this! then we'll have a performance from the 19-time world champion floyd-little doubledutch. team. (cheers and applause) look at that! i can do that as long as there are no ropes around. i can do that. i hope they're not nervous because
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seemed a little jumpy. (laughter) (band playing) that joyful noise is jon batiste and "stay human." say hi, everyone. (cheers and applause) i don't know what's happening. that means we're about to get going, but before we do -- there is a new mind-reading computer that can decipher words from brainwaves before they are spoken. and if you think that's scary -- it knows you do. (cheers and applause) stephen welcomes damian damian lewis! america ferrera! and a performance by floyd
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featuring jon batiste and "stay human"! (cheers and applause) and now it's time for the "late show" with stephen colbert! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen! thank you so much! thank you, jon! thank you "stay human"! thank you, ladies and gentlemen! (audience chanting stephen) >> stephen: thank you. i'll take it. (cheers and applause) i'll take it. evidently i need a little boost tonight. if you've been paying attention, you know that we've reached an important milestone in the 2016 presidential campaign -- it is 2016. (laughter)
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donald trump questioning whether his opponent ted cruz is actually a u.s. citizen. because, in 1970, cruz was born to a canadian-cuban father and an american mother and i'm going to guess a crock of dippity do. but cruz has dismissed these questions, saying that any child born abroad to an american citizen "is" an american citizen. the ridiculousness of trump's allegations by posting this video on twitter. fonzie from "happy days" jumping the shark, which i say proves cruz is an american, because if he were a canadian he would have released a video of celine dion jumping a tim horton's.
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i would pay money to see that in vegas. but trump isn't the only one accusing cruz of bleeding red, white, and maple syrup. today, john mccain -- okay, i was wrong. i'm not over this sandwich. (laughter) just bear with me. how hard is it? bacon, lettuce, tomato. the recipe is right in the name. and yet, let me remind you what my sandwich looked like? (laughter) i was so mad, i had it blown up -- you know, in case i needed it for the trial at the hague. (laughter) here's why i can't let this go -- the lack of tomato isn't just an insult to centuries of b.l.t. craftsmen who died toasting bread at gettysburg, it's an insult to me personally.
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>> audience: no! >> stephen: i didn't think so! well, this ends now! someone has to standup for what's right. let's do this! (cheers and applause) let's go. come on! let's go. come on. let's do it. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: good. how are you? (ringing) i'm sorry. i'm angry. hold on a second. >> hello? i'm doing fine. how are you?
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like? hope you don't want a b.l.t., we're in a bit of a crisis now. thank you. sorry. >> that's all right. i'll take care of that. is this your handwriting? >> yes, that is. >> stephen: what does that say? >> b.l.t., little mayo. >> stephen: mm-hmm, b., l. -- what was the last one? >> t. >> stephen: t. i want to show you a photograph. can you identify the initials associated with the ingredients in the stand witch. >> that's the bacon. >> stephen: uh-huh. that's the lettuce. >> stephen: yeah where's the tomato? >> i don't know. >> stephen: i paid equal amount of money for the ingredients. you can understand why i'm angry. >> well, stephen, i'm sorry. >> stephen: i'm sorry, no tomato on the sandwich. let's goat one other thing while we're at it. it says little mayo right here. >> that's right. >> stephen: why did you write
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>> because i was instructed to. >> stephen: okay. would you come here, please? this is my assistance jessica. rupert, this is jessica. it's okay. we're all friends. jessica, did you tell him little mayo? >> i did. >> stephen: okay, you can go. we'll talk about this later. all right, i'll deal with her. but legally, i can't dock your pay because i think you work for the city, right? this is the streets and sanitation. okay? >> yeah. >> stephen: can i talk to you about something else while i've got you sneenchts yes. >> stephen: the colbert sandwich, chicken cutlet, cheese, l.t., what is l.t.? >> lettuce tomato. >> stephen: that is meaningless as we know at this point. three peppers, mayo on a here o. what about those ingredients reminded you of me? >> well, actually, it was the former paul shaffer.
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>> stephen: what is it about me that reminds you of paul shaffer? >> nothing. >> stephen: it's random, any three ingredients and throw it on a bun. chicken cutlet, half a truck >> well -- >> stephen: it means nothing anymore. just tear it up and live in a cave. i realize i'm not dave, but i'm not an animal. aim human being. >> did i make you mad? i feel bad. >> stephen: this is my sandwich, how do you think i feel? i have to do a show right now and, frankly, i don't know why anymore. i can't imagine what you could possibly do to make me forgive you at this point. >> free chips? >> stephen: okay, i forgive you. let's go.
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redesigned passat.
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>> stephen: welcome back. my guest tonight is an
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"billions." >> you see that? eah, cashing out the shorts before the merger. >> what's that? traders are $12.52 when everyone was at lunch which tells me they wanted it to be missed. you guys caught it. but you're looking at it backward. that's propping up lumitherm. he's an animal. the block trade is getting out of southern wind, getting out of long term. he wrote the story, he's out, which means you need to be out, in fact short. it will start to 32 and change after work breaks. >> stephen: i understood every word of that. (laughter) please welcome damian lewis! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: wow!
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you're an actor and a hopper! >> i am so excited because i was going to have to sit like this because i put this shirt on and this button was missing. that nice man put a new button on me. >> stephen: that's derek. i love him and what he does. >> stephen: he'll sew buttons on anyone who stands still. >> that's incredible. i have the wounds to show for it. he did it as i was hopping. >> stephen: great to have you. thank you. >> stephen: did you understand what you were saying or was that greek to you? >> not a word of it? you're a very good actor. i believed your (bleep). >> in "billions" i play a hedge fund.
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i took it because he sounds like a porn star but he's a hedge fund billionaire, turns out. >> stephen: you are britt and you keep playing american. >> yeah, i do. >> stephen: aren't you the type of person donald trump is talking about? shouldn't we be building a wall between the united states and britain and making the brits pay for it? because you're taking american jobs. americans can seem like jerks! >> just happily on their own? no, it's better if i'm the jerk. i'm the fall guy. >> stephen: okay. i should make the point that i think for this particular show, he may not be the jerk you think he's going to be. >> stephen: even though he's a billionaire! >> this is a very interesting point. being a brit, i think you guys think of your rich guys as your
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>> stephen: who are jerks, too, generally. royalty and nobility a couple of years ago were essentially gangsters who could hit somebody over the head and take the land. they get education and everybody goes, oh, they must be very nice. >> they're very rich and pass it to their children and then they can be jerks. >> stephen: exactly. i see what you're saying. >> stephen: in america, there is a bit of a feeling if you're a billionaire you have to be a jerk. do you think this guy's a jerk? >> that's recent. there were rich in the country that weren't that way before. we're a little suspicious about how people make so much now and how come i don't have any. >> stephen: right. i think everybody in america works for one of 12 billionaires right now. i do. i know i work for a billionaire, so i have nothing bad to say about my boss. (laughter) and you work for him, too!
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by the same company that owns my show, so you and i love billionaires. >> that's exactly right. i actually do love billionaires. >> stephen: really? i love them. >> stephen: do you think you can become a billionaire and still be a nice guy is this. >> i think i'm all right. >> stephen: i didn't know! i didn't know! >> you don't know how much you can get paid as an actor! being a billionaire does ask the question, at what point do you have enough? >> stephen: right. i think billionaires don't know when they have enough which is why they're billionaires. you have 100 million. do you need more? if you're a billionaire, obviously the answer is yes. >> stephen: i'll let you know when i get there. not yet. not yet. paul giamatti in this is the u.s. attorney. >> yeah. >> stephen: he's gunning for you. >> yes.
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or is there no bad guy here? >> look, i think you will root for both the characters at different times and i think they will both do things that makes you dislike them. >> ly put on the first episode to watch while i was on vacation with my kids and the first opens with paul giamatti, the first thing you see is him tied up and a dominatrix with her boot on his chest and i said, hey, kids, let's get ice cream and turned it off (laughter) >> yeah. >> stephen: you played soldiers in world war , two played a guy captured and tortured by al quaida. did you take a josh and say i would like to play somebody who has lots of money and has sex all the time? >> yes. i wanted to work in a ferrari and a helicopter for a change. >> stephen: how do you pretend
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did you do a ride-along or anything? (laughter) >> into the billionaire hood, yeah. >> stephen: yeah! when i spoke to the hedge fund guys, some of whom were billionaires several times over, i just got the sense from them that the money was incidental to the game. playing the game is the most interesting thing, and winning the game was really what drove them. so, yeah, having billions was kind of a nice by-product of winning. better than winning at monopoly. and they just happen to have billions. and then if they use that money responsibly, they give it away or don't or whatever and buy another yacht. but it was the power, it was the sense of the game, it was the sense of feeling they were right and, when they backed their own bet on something and it succeeded, there was a tremendous sense of indication.
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with the other guys on wall street. >> yeah, a little, although they think of themselves distinct from wall street. they're like snipers and sharks circling the pool. >> stephen: sounds like good guys! (laughter) there were rumors you might be picked to be the new bond. (cheering) i think you just snapped into character there for a moment. can you tell me whether that's true or would you have to kill me afterwards? >> no one has called me. >> stephen: really? m.i.-6 have not been on the phone. >> stephen: all right. no one's called. no one's called. >> stephen: pity for him. (laughter) thank you so much for being here. >> thanks for inviting me. >> stephen: i don't think i did. but i'm glad you're here. (laughter)
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thank you so much! "billions." see it on showtime! (cheers and applause) except that managing my symptoms was all i was doing. and when i finally told my doctor, he said humira is for adults like me who have tried other medications but still experience the symptoms of moderate to severe crohn's disease. and that in clinical studies, the majority of patients on humira saw significant symptom relief. and many achieved remission. humira can lower your ability to fight infections, including tuberculosis. serious, sometimes fatal infections and cancers, including lymphoma, have happened; as have blood, liver, and nervous system problems, serious allergic reactions, and new or worsening heart failure. before treatment, get tested for tb. tell your doctor if you've been to areas where certain fungal infections are common, and if you've had tb, hepatitis b, are prone to
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back, ladies and gentlemen! as you know, we were off the air for two weeks for the holidays. and of course, the biggest story over the break was donald trump. actually, i have to apologize. i'm looking at the card here, and it says the biggest story was steve harvey announcing the wrong winner of the miss
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runner-up. but you can understand my confusion. both seem like horrible mistakes. (laughter) and trump seems unstoppable. the most recent c.n.n. o.r.c. b.l.t. poll has trump up nationally by 21 points. the american people want their fire-haired, red-faced embodiment of pure rage and "anger" from "inside out" isn't running. the other republican candidates will do anything to pull ahead, and with the iowa caucuses just a few weeks away, things are going to get ugly. and, for people who cover it, that's beautiful. >> the race for the white house, heating up. >> it's going to get ugly. >> how ugly is this going. to get? >> get ready. this is about to get very. nasty. >> expected to be a nasty, general election. >> new vulgar insults that show the race for president is getting nasty. >> stephen: oh, it's gonna get
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(laughter) the candidates will be tossed into a fight pit, and the cannibal media will stand on the precipice, placing wagers on which candidate will emerge from the pit drinking wine from the skull of their vanquished foe! it's like the hunger games. no, it's more brutal than that. it's... the hungry for power games! yes, welcome, one and all, to the hungry for power games! tributes, assemble! oh, yes! this one smells like fear! oh, look at those shining, hopeful faces! each of them eager to take on the toughest job in the world -- decorating the oval office. the room has no corners, it's a feng shui nightmare! ni-hao! (laughter) sadly, only one person can be president. and even more sadly, it will be
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ha ha! lowered expectations! and over the holidays, america got the greatest gift of all -- slightly fewer candidates. >> former governor george pataki is out of race for president. >> senator lindsey graham has ended his presidential bid. >> stephen: yes, two more tributes have fallen -- longtime senator lindsey graham and three-term new york governor george pataki. they were both brought low by a shameful chapter in their past -- government experience. not done. bye-bye! and things started so brightly for south carolina senator and cabbage patch republican, lindsey graham. out of all 17 republican candidates, only graham had military experience, having spent over 30 years as an air force judge advocate general or "jag". it looked for a while that things were on for the jag. but now, it's jag off.
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ha ha, wordplay! from day one, lindsey was focused on national security. he even had a plan to stop isis -- triple our troop presence in iraq and send 10,000 american soldiers to syria alongside a coalition of arab allies to prevent the entrenchment of a caliphate. to put that in a more popular way -- >> i would bomb the (bleep) out of 'em. >> stephen: yea! sugar daddy is going to buy baby a bomb! so, our little graham cracker knocked out, until he said this about president obama: >> i have no doubt that he loves his country. i have no doubt that he's a patriot. >> stephen: uh-oh! "lindsey and barack, sitting in a tree -- k-i-l-l-i-n-g...his chances of being the nominee." and just like that... so tribute graham has been
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his own qualifications. and it's no surprise. it would be hard to imagine anybody polling less than 1/2%. luckily, we don't have to imagine, because george pataki was polling at 0.0%. which technically means pataki wasn't even voting for himself. but can you blame him? that guy's polling at 0%! before the power games began, governor pataki was out of the public eye for 10 years. but even when the public eye was back on him, it had no idea what it was looking at. because when "jeopardy" contestants were shown his picture earlier this year, none of them could supply his name. and yet, voters kept saying the correct answer: "who is george pataki?" ha ha! that's him, right? but if he thought he was ever going to be president, george pataki must have been smoking the wacky pataki.
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who supports abortion rights, gun control, gay rights, and environmentalism." shh - no sudden movements! it's the last republican moderate. if you listen closely, you can hear his haunting mating call: "let's compromise! let's compromise!" alas. (applause) his pelt will make a fine rug for donald trump's trophy room. sadly, for these tributes, it is time to bid farewell. and even more sadly for me, because this is the part of the show in which i'm allowed to drink champagne. ha-ha! i have a problem! (laughter) let us now pay tribute to the
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: farewell, brave tributes! we hardly knew ye. which was more than the voters wanted. ah ha, ha! we'll be right back with america ferrera. (cheers and applause) huh. introducing centrum vitamints. a brand new multivitamin you enjoy like a mint. with a full spectrum of essential nutrients... surprisingly smooth, refreshingly cool. i see you found the vitamints. new centrum vitamints. a delicious new way to get your
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back. you know my next guest from "sisterhood of the traveling pants" and as the emmy award winning star of "ugly betty". she now stars in the comedy "superstore". please welcome america ferrera. (cheers and applause)
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choice offensive if it didn't make me want to dance? >> stephen: because you're latina and that's latin music? please. nice to have you. >> thank you for having me. >> stephen: i have one beef. "sisterhood of the traveling pants" -- how come you never sent the pants to me? they look great on everybody and i have the hips for them. >> well, i think your agent didn't deliver the message. >> stephen: is it too late to get me on the pants mailing list? >> if we make a third movie, we'll give you a call. >> stephen: you've got to hook a brother up. >> i will. >> stephen: you've got to hook a brother up for the sisterhood. everybody loved you on "ugly betty," but -- (applause) -- you haven't done tv since then. >> yeah, since five years. >> stephen: what is it about "superstore" that makes you want
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>> so much. our creator came up writing and producing and his writing is smart and funny and subversive. the main thing i was so excited about is doing a workplace comedy about everyday working class people. i grew up watching comedies like "cheers" and roseanne and all in the family and i love watching superheros, but i think there is story. >> stephen: wow. (applause) family. how many? >> six kids. >> stephen: and you're the baby? >> yeah. >> stephen: did you become an actress because you were the a baby and you always had to have the attention? because i'm the youngest of 11 and that was definitely the reasoning for me. >> i think it gets brutal and you have to do what it takes to get fed.
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>> stephen: no things such as seconds unless you shovel as fast as you can. it's prison style. you have to eat like this. how many boys and girls. >> one boy, five girls. >> stephen: where does he fall? >> he's the oldest. >> stephen: does he boss you guys around? >> no, he stays locked in his room and only if someone was maybe going to die, he would step in and break us apart. >> stephen: did that happen frequently? did you claw out each other's eyes? >> define frequent. like, a couple times a week. there were like, basketballs -- >> stephen: did you fight? yeah. >> stephen: i saw my sister push my brother down a flight of stairs once. i cried and i was still crying when my parents came home and they said if you're going to cry when mom and dad come home you can't play with us anymore. i had to toughen up and watch them fight. (laughter)
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>> i got in trouble for protecting myself. my sister was going at my nose, i held up the phone and she hurt trouble. i was, like, it was her knuckles on my nose! >> stephen: she was your elder and you were essentially disobeying h her. (laughter) were you free range? the youngest of a big family, yourselves? >> yeah, and my mother was a single mother and she was working all the time. so we would either run around on the streets on our bikes or play in the sue wemplet did you ever play in the sewer? >> stephen: much classier neighborhood, we called it "the storm drain." (laughter) >> it was the wash. >> stephen: you called the sewer the wash? >> the wash, yeah. and one time the cops actually, like, were waiting for us outside of the wash, and we ran like the goonies. i felt like we were in a movie. we escaped and for about two weeks, every time i would leave
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the cops weren't waiting for me. >> stephen: wow. and that's the kind of trouble we got into. and yeah, we raised each other, the tv raised us. we were latchkey kids. >> stephen: same thing here. we would feed ourselves. i understand you have latchkey recipes because i do. >> so many. >> stephen: we have one that's very similar. >> we do. >> stephen: i have some bread here. are you gluten-free? >> i am. >> stephen: i am, too. only to be annoying. (laughter) there was always some white bread around. >> and it was usually the end. the middle. >> stephen: no, because the elders would reach past to the middle and we would be left with >> yeah. >> stephen: so what would you >> sugar. >> stephen: just sugar? do you have a binding agent? >> it was sugar and corn flakes. >> stephen: okay. i've got sugar for you.
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and i would -- what we would do is because i am of an ethnic group known as la-white people -- (laughter) -- first we would put mayonnaise on the bread there. >> can i do mine? >> stephen: yeah. we would take kool-aid mix and put it on ours. (laughter) >> okay, hold on. >> stephen: again, mom and dad are not home while this is happening. >> okay (laughter) >> stephen: like that. often we didn't get the frosted flakes, so you had to put the sugar on there and top it off with more. am i eating yours? >> stephen: why don't we eat our own? which i think we have to bleep out on cbs. are you going to bite mine or am i going to bite yours? is this? >> stephen: white bread, mayonnaise and pre-sweetened
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cheers to being the baby. >> okay. (laughter) (cheers and applause) >> that is so good! >> stephen: i don't know why you spit mine out. yours was delicious. (laughter) >> that was so disgusting! >> stephen: i have to have a bite of mine because i haven't had a bite of this since i was nine years old. here we go. >> oh! >> stephen: oh... momma, i'm comin' home! (laughter) america, thanks so much for being here. >> thank you! >> stephen: let's eat better next time. >> yeah. >> stephen: america ferrera! "superstore" monday at 8:00 on nbc.
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! my next guests have a total of 19 world double dutch championships. (cheers and applause) here with their co-founders laila little and shaquannah floyd, please welcome floyd little's double dutch team. okay, what is double dutch and where did it come from? >> well, most of the people don't want to give us the respect and say it's a sport but it's a sport. it's two ropes turned into an egg beater shape and one or two people are in the middle jumping up and down through the ropes. >> stephen: has it been around a long time. >> about 50 years now. >> stephen: is it literally >> double dutch. >> stephen: wow, i can't imagine doing it with wooden
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is it played all over the world? >> all over the world. >> stephen: you're defeating teams from japan? >> world champions. (cheers and applause) and why did you found the team? >> stephen: ?we started jumping together as children when we were five years old. be six. we have been jumping through elementary, high school, college and we just had a big vision for double dutch and we started our own thing and call it the floyd little double dutch. we have poison ivy, ya ya, raspy, navy. (applause) what do you girls think about when you're jumping? or is it no thought, you're in the zone? >> you need to be focused when
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you have to be in the zone. you have to think about winning. >> stephen: will you girls show us how it's done? >> yes! >> stephen: ladies and gentlemen, floyd little double dutch!
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>> stephen: floyd little double dutch team, everybody! we'll be right back!
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