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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  March 3, 2016 11:30pm-12:32am EST

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excited about it and top pga golfers in the world and sat down with mr. p. >> do you get butterflies even to this day. >> absolutely. we are scared. things won't go right. generally we are as good as we have ever been in the history of the tournament. excellent field of players. it is going to be a real fun event. >> all right. maybe one of the greater segments in the news business. taking it on a new level. >> it is time for ping's pop quiz. >> all right ginger first time we are playing, mr. palmer how many careers holes in one has he had. tom, you go first. >> no, ladies first. >> ginger, go. >> 20. i will say 29.
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am saying 8, b. >> ginger. >> tom. >> i said a. >> i said b. >> my first time. >> and don't forget tomorrow morning i am on with my buddy from the orlando sentinel on 96.9. >> all right. let's talk about nick. he needs to do good things with 22 games left. phoenix tomorrow night. the 7-foot center has to have a great end to the season. right there in the bubble to get in the postseason. do you guys really feel like that move can be made? >> we believe so. we know it will be tough and we have to win most of our games and hope some of the teams ahead of us lose some games but we
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>> all right in the studio. follow him on his twitter account. he is giving away a lot of prizes. >> there you go. >> you had a thumb on that arnold palmer. >> throwback thursday. ready. >> you know who it is about? three years ago donald trump and i going one-on-one. >> did you think you would ever be president of the united states at one point. >> i was leading in all the polls and decided not to run. when i decided i was leading in all the polls. >> donald trump, you have played the central florida craze ping pong do you feel better about your day? >> i feel great. i think you are terrific. >> can you go to >> i would have asked him more questions. >> that's a snippet. check it out. >> i think he liked you for vp.
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i will track him down. toes, noses, eyes, hormones know, too. dogs know. kids know. st augustine knows. debs know. guys who peaked in
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oh yea, this guy? he definitely knows. scotts bonus s. the number one trusted brand in the south.
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(cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by cbs ( band playing intro music )
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show!" i am stephen colbert. thanks, everybody! thank you so much! (cheers and applause) hey! thanks so much! welcome to the "late show," everybody! i am stephen colbert. and not only would i like to welcome you to the show tonight, but i'd like to offer a special welcome to astronaut scott kelly, who, yesterday, returned to earth after a record 340 days in space. congratulations, scott. (cheers and applause) can't wait to see ya! because he was up there for so long, nasa is now studying the effects that prolonged weightlessness has on the human body-- and, this is fascinating -- he returned two inches taller than when he left.
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will give this navy captain and astronaut some confidence. (laughter) now this extra two inches is only temporary, so i just hope he takes this opportunity to be allowed on all the rides at the amusement park. until he shrinks, okay? thing is, 340 days is a long time to be off-planet, and re-integrating with our culture might come as a shock. so i want to help scott catch up on some of the things he missed in the last year. scott, might want to write some of this down, okay? first off, thanks to taylor swift, we've now learned that girls now travel in what are called "squads." it's like a murder of crows. a squad of girls. squads have goals. my goal is to be in a squad.
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whipping and nae-naeing. >> jon: that was nice. >> stephen: whip, nae-nae. and now that i have done it, they have stopped. everyone is now doing something called "netflix and chill." or, if you're on a budget, just "hulu and hump." what else? oh, you really do not like -- there is a great movie called "the martian," really makes you feel like you're in space. and just before you landed, it was revealed that katy perry is dating orlando bloom. we are thinking of going with kate-lando bloom-berry. oh, and of course there's a presidential race this year! and it's going... good. it's going good.
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don't look it up. (laughter) and you are back just in time for the great show we have for earth tonight. (cheers and applause) first, we have got beloved actor "underground," christopher meloni! (cheers and applause) recent recipient of the medal of honor, navy senior chief edward byers! (cheers and applause) and we'll have a musical performance from ray lamontagne! hey! it's jon batiste and stay human. say hi, everybody! ( applause ) my favorite band! they're about to light this firecracker, but before they do, one more thing: a manhattan police horse threw its officer to the ground and ran loose for ten minutes after being spooked
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officials say it will never happen again as long as new york city doesn't have anymore loud noises. >> announcer: tonight... stephen welcomes... christopher meloni! medal of honor recipient edward byers! and a musical performance by ray lamontagne! featuring jon batiste and "stay human"! and now it's time for "the late show" with stephen colbert!
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>> stephen: hey, everybody! you know what? you got that thang! i don't know about you folks, but i could listen to that song twice in a night! (cheers and applause) scott kelly may have missed a lot of the presidential race so far, but there is plenty more for him to catch up on because in the next few weeks, five more states will weigh in on the presidential election: michigan, ohio, louisiana, nebraska and florida. in florida, they will cast their votes the traditional way, by voting for whoever looks more like their grandson. (laughter) but even then, we still won't even be halfway through the primary process.
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the white house! >> i just want a job! just get me a job! >> stephen: well, he might get one because donald trump's big win on super tuesday has made it clear that he is the likely nominee of the republican party, and that has sent the republican establishment into a panic. they do not want to be with this guy, but the voters are choosing this. it's like an arranged marriage. and unlike trump's other marriages, this one could last eight years. (laughter) (applause) they have woken up in bed with this guy, but they're not taking it lying down! (laughter) for instance, if trump is the nominee, republican senate majority leader mitch mcconnell vows that his colleagues will "drop him like a hot rock."
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someone who is part tortoise. that's his favorite basking spot! right there! and, today, in a desperate bid to stop trump from getting the nomination, they tried a new approach of a very old approach. >> here's what i know: donald trump is a phony, a fraud. >> stephen: that's right. faced with a monster, the g.o.p. had only one choice. >> "release the romney!" (laughter) (applause) >> stephen: yes, they broke the seal on mitt's hyperbaric dignity chamber, and he brought the pain. >> now, i'm far from the first to conclude that donald trump lacks the temperament to be president. you say wait, wait, wait, isn't he a huge business success? doesn't he know what he's talking about?
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doesn't. what ever happened to trump airlines? how about trump university? and then there's trump magazine. and trump vodka, and trump steaks, and trump mortgage. a business genius, he is not. >> stephen: true. trump has put his name on some terrible investments. for example, four years ago, he endorsed mitt romney! (applause) all in all, a very powerful statement from a member of the republican establishment. let's see how trump's supporters responded. ( roars ) >> stephen: oh, that's right, mitt. they want to feast on your flesh. but that doesn't mean romney doesn't have a rough and tumble plan to save the party.
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trump from getting the number of delegates he needs at the convention. >> i believe we can nominate a person who can win the general election and who will represent the values and policies of conservatism. given the current delegate selection process, that means that i'd vote for marco rubio in florida and for john kasich in ohio, and for ted cruz or whichever one of the other two contenders has the best chance to beating mr. trump in a given state. >> stephen: what an inspiring message for the world's greatest democracy: don't vote for who you think should be president, vote for whichever candidate in your state has the best chance of keeping trump from getting delegates. it's a system often employed by bros in bars that rhymes with "clock block." (laughter) and i know there's an angry republican base out there, but
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to save democracy from the voters. after you vote, maybe you will get a sticker that says, "i did what mitt romney told me to." (laughter) this game of ganging up against the popular guy who's winning, that's not democracy. that's a reality show strategy. and that is trump's home turf. you honestly think you are going to be better at this than him? it's like saying, "you know the way to fix our great white shark problem is, get in the water with him. but first let me put on my lucky ham." trump is not running a political -- that's the ham. (laughter) trump is not running a political campaign. he's a reality show contestant who's established himself as a villain to polarize the audience, then do whatever it takes to make it to the final tribal council to get the rose that lets him have sex with the
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(applause) then you get to name a supreme court justice in the fantasy suite. (laughter) but let's just say for a minute this plan to stop trump works. who then could the republicans run for president? the guys who lost? that doesn't seem right. no, you need someone who's been legitimately chosen by republican voters. hold on a minute! mitt, why didn't you think of this? mitt, i don't know if this has occurred to you, but you fit that description! oh, do it, mitt. don't think about it, just gather up the gang, the family, gather up tagg and blitt and guff and tupp, strap the dog to the car and head to the convention. i'm ready. (cheers and applause) i've still got all kinds of
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i've still got my gangnam style cd, my linsanity shirt and my official portrait of mitt romney on this just for men box. color: dressage horse. we'll be right back with christopher meloni! (cheers and applause) this is a chick car. this is a gay car. this is a short man's car. this is a cute car. slow car. this is a single, young, professional's car. this car has no street cred. this car ain't hip hop! kidless. cute. small.
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back. my first guest tonight is a talented actor who now stars as a mercenary in the thrilling television drama "underground" about a group of runaway slaves and their daring escape to freedom. >> why you do this? help people like me? >> i got a boy. name's ben. 12 years old. he doesn't mow the world is a harsh and unfair place. i'm afraid there ain't no changing that. i suppose when it comes down to
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future. >> stephen: please welcome christopher meloni. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: you're the guest. i insist you sit first. >> thank you. >> stephen: oh, pi gosh. i might have to stroke your beard before this interview is over. that thing is just so luxurious. >> it's named one of the all-time great goatees. >> stephen: this just came out -- christopher meloni's goatee will hypnotize you. congratulations. >> thank you very much. (applause) >> stephen: it's like some alien creature is going to take over your face and started with the area around your mouth. (cheers and applause) let me just see something here.
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(applause) that's how you test it. thanks for coming. nice to see you. >> i'm such a huge fan of yours! (cheers and applause) i am such a huge fan of yours! >> stephen: well, thank you. i'm a fan of yours. >> i come here to fawn. is that mine? >> stephen: that is yours, i think. >> i've come to fawn. you! >> you're exactly what this nation needs, what entertainment needs, you're smart, you're always smiling -- (cheers and applause) >> stephen: did my wife ask >> no. >> stephen: that is very nice to get that kind of support from someone who is known to be a
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you have a reputation, you play a lot of tough guys. >> yeah, yeah. >> stephen: in this show, are you a good guy or a bad guy in. >> the guy i play is named august pullman, on w.g.n. america march 9. >> stephen: we'll get to all that, i promise, before it's over. >> yeah. he's a guy caught up in the slavery system, the main economic system there in the south in georgia in 1857, a guy trying to raise his 12-year-old boy and it's tough circumstances. >> stephen: so good guy or bad guy? we're talking slavery here and you do have to pick a side these days. >> well, you know, you do the best you can under the circumstances. it's a climate change. everyone wants to do what's right for the earth but do we always do what's best for the earth? >> stephen: no. if we do what's best for the
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light off. >> okay, so good guy or bad guy? >> stephen: you seem to think i'm a good guy. >> well, that's just one side of the story, though. >> stephen: you actually in your own life have been a tough guy. were you a bouncer? >> yeah, that's how i made my money. i came to new york to be an actor and i immediately went where the big money was so i made $40 a night throwing people out of bars. >> stephen: $40 a night? it wasn't an hourly wage? >> it wasn't. it was cash, though. >> stephen: if i were coming up to you to get into the club, would you have let me in? (laughter) >> no. >> stephen: why not? what is it about me? >> i love you, man, but that face is not -- >> stephen: what's wrong? this isn't club face? >> you know what it is? it's i'm not bringing any chicks to the game face. (laughter) i'm sorry... i don't mean...
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i don't -- sad face. sad face. >> stephen: please let me in, bouncer man! no, no... >> stephen: did you ever have to rough anybody up and bring the hammer down? >> well, i'll give you my craziest bouncer experience. two girls ran out on a tab, so the manager comes running and says, do you see two girls? i said, i don't know, a lot of people coming in and out. so we run down the street and grab the two girls. he says, there they are. he says, you stay here and i'll grab the check they ran out on. as i'm holding the girls, scratching me. the car pulse up and it's their boyfriends and now it's four against one and one of them kicks me in the shin. i let go of her. the other gets dragged in. so now i dive through the passenger window -- and this is probably for like a $100 bill or whatever -- jumped through a
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to grab the keys. the guy is trying to push me -- the guy from the back is punching me, i'm punching the driver, the girl is scratching my face, the driver starts driving and he tries to run me, smash me against the parked cars, and it was in that moment of lucidity and brilliance i'm going, i'm getting paid $40 a night! >> stephen: how do you go from that to actor? did you put at the on your resume, my ankles can take things smashed against a chevy? (laughter) >> and there was a smattering of snow on the ground so i was able to skitch my way around. >> stephen: i want to hear more stories of adventure and violence from you. we'll take a commercial break and be back with more
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right now, switch to at&t for an iphone and get one free. wow, is that right? yeah, it's basically... yes. that is the okay siri, you don't well, i know you asked me hostess with the mostest. okay, shut her down. right now, buy an iphone and
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: we're back with christopher meloni. is it chris or christopher? >> christopher. >> stephen: it's christopher. yeah. >> stephen: really? i thought it was chris. >> no big deal. call me whatever you want. >> stephen: christopher seems like a name mother would yell at you. christopher meloni. >> christopher peter. >> stephen: did you get in trouble with your mom when you were a kid? >> i could get it over on her. it was more teachers' outside influences and i could state my case to my mom and she would believe me. >> stephen: is that your first acting? >> yes, she's my first audience. >> stephen: pretending you were a good boy all the time? >> yes, always. >> stephen: here you are as a baby (audience reacts) and i bring out this photo.
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this? i bring out this photo. you look startlingly like a picture of your head today has been put on a child. i'll prove it to you now. hold still for a s.e.c. (laughter) (applause) i understand you're doing a marauders. what was it like working with him? >> it was great. >> stephen: that's a lot of testosterone, two tough guys. >> yeah, we only worked in big testosterone. mops. to put on the makeup, that's the
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yeah, it was a great experience. it was very funny because bruce is the c.e.o. of the bank and he has to escort me out to have the bank, i'm an f.b.i. guy. as he's escort meg through with his security, the bad guys come in to rob the bank and start spraying bullets everywhere. so bruce and i have to shoot our way out of there. but bruce is the c.e.o. of a bank but doesn't have a gun. he was bereft. he was, like, but i'm die hard guy. he was naked. he said, can you give me a gun? people are going, bruce, you're c.e.o. of a bank, they usually don't have a gun. i want a gun. >> stephen: did he get his gun? >> no. he was unhappy. >> stephen: i would definitely give him a gun and then edit it out later.
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>> stephen: yeah, actors get to meet a lot of great people. you were, like, wrieding a horse in this thing and in wagons. >> yes. >> stephen: you know how the do that? >> i do now. >> stephen: did you know before this? >> very interesting. anyone know how to ride a horse here? well, you know. you've really got to tell that guy who's the boss. >> stephen: the horse? yeah, the horse! you have to get to know him. you have to pet him. you're courtshipping, a little foreplay, yes -- >> stephen: that's illegal in many states. >> but not all. >> stephen: not all. not all. and you have to be gentle but firm. >> stephen: yeah? gentle but firm. >> stephen: who was teaching you these things? was this bruce willis? (laughter) >> cowboy lance.
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afraid of the horse at first? >> i wasn't a big fan. i didn't like all that muscle and unpredictability. just wasn't a fan. but you have to go up there and show him who's boss and ride with authority. but if you don't know all the signals, you're just a big pretender up there, to begin with. >> stephen: yeah? then i got the hang of it. and with one hand. >> stephen: one hand? yes. and the -- that's how i look. absolutely. it's a natural, right? a natural something. i'll stop it. >> stephen: you've really got it. >> i'm locked in. (laughter) >> stephen: the series begins march 9, 10:00 on wgn america, and it's called "underground," and it's about the underground railroad, and your character is described as being on a tight rope of emotion. >> yes. >> stephen: and again, we
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villain. >> no. are you a hero or a villain? >> stephen: well, one of us has a goatee so we know you're my evil twin. (laughter) much. >> a pleasure! >> stephen: christopher meloni! "underground" premieres march 9 at 10:00 on wgn america. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) that' you your rollerblades back. s back. storm coming? a very dangerous cheese storm. so you have 20 more bags. mhm. my yoga instructor calls it the death spiral. i call it living the dream. american express presents the blue cash everyday card with no annual fee. cash back on purchases. see you tomorrow.
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what's the most awarded car company of the year? ranking from top to bottom. luxury cars just seem like they would be top awarded. there better be some awards behind what you are paying for, right. the final answer. chevy. the most awarded car company two years in a row. wow, it's like a luxury car. i was shocked. i mean it's like, this is chevy? current qualified gm lessees can get a sign and drive lease on this chevy cruze limited for around $179 per month. find new roads at
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back, everyone. let's hear it for jon. batiste and stay human. (cheers and applause) jon, you sound great tonight. >> jon: thank you, stephen. >> stephen: and you look great, too. >> oh, man. >> stephen: doesn't he look fantastic? (cheers and applause) i wish i could have the same daring fashion sense you do. >> jon: stephen, what if i told you i could teach you to have my kind of style in just eight easy steps? >> stephen: i'd say, i hope it comes with a video. >> jon: you're in luck, because it does! jim? >> hey, everybody. i'm jon batiste. welcome to piano 101, episode 2. fashion tips. if you want to be a good band leader, you've got to dress your best. clothes are the music of the body and you hear them with your eyes, so open your ears and watch.
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every outfit has a personality that's why i give mine names. here are some of the outfits i've worn on the late show, hot mustard, business basketball, sky captain, hallucinating referee, slim grimace, mr. fluoride which comes in a tube and prevents jean ginvitis all the over your body. your closet is your sanctuary. you need to keep it organized. do you do it by color, season, material? i organize mine alphabetically. suits! lesson three, moth prevention. i believe in universal love but the closest i come the hating anything is moths. these ferocious predators want to eat your clothes and they don't even wear clothes so you can't get revenge. you want to keep your wardrobe safe, you need mothballs and you
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closet. lesson four, shoes! sure shoes are the foundation of any good outfit. what else are you going to stand on, pants? come on. you can good in any shoe as long as it matches what you're wearing. for instance, this shoe doesn't match buzz that's easy to fix. much better! lesson five, break. six, twelve tonal system, all twelve notes of the crowmatic scale are equally represented in a given composition, none can be repeated while preserving. check yourself out in the mirror! whoo!
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lesson number 8, leave the house! fashion is like quantum physics. it means knotting if you're not observed. but before you go, don't forget that one accessory that brings the whole outfit together -- (theme song) i'll see you at the afterparty! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thanks jon! we'll be right back with medal of honor recipient, navy senior chief edward byers. (cheers and applause) dad, you can just drop me off right here. oh no, i'll take you up to the front of the school. that's where your friends are. seriously, it's, it's really fine. you don't want to be seen with your dad? no, it' this about a boy? dad! stop, please. oh, there's tracy. what! [ horn honking ] [ forward collision warning ]
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my next guest received a medal monday. please welcome navy senior chief and navy seal edward byers. (cheers and applause) thanks for being here. it's an honor to have you. >> thanks for having me. >> stephen: you are specifically titled senior chief
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that is a really all-encompassing title, a warfare operator. what do you operate? i operate warfare. what does that training include? what are all the things you're trained to do? >> well, if we were to sit here and talk about it, i think you would run out of time. >> stephen: oh, really? the first is basic underwater seal training, then seal qualification training after that for six months just to get your foot in the door. >> stephen: when did you find out you would be receiving the medal of honor? >> i found out in december. >> stephen: how do you find out? >> it's a really intriguing process. the white house calls you, somebody on his staff, and they say, hey, the president wants to date and time.
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and my first reaction was does anyone actually say no to this? let me check my schedule. >> stephen: do you have any idea what the phone call is about? >> i did. i was aware he was going to give a call but it's not till the president calls you that it becomes official. >> stephen: there are some aspects of the engagement for which you were awarded the medal of honor are classified and you can't talk about it. walk us through what happened that day and try not to breach national security when you do so. >> i'll do my best. >> stephen: okay. december 2012, we received our mission, a no-fail mission, and our goal was to bring back an american hostage. >> stephen: afghanistan? eastern afghanistan. so we inserted by helecopterrer
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had a four or five hour walk through mountains and got to the target building and assessed. >> stephen: how do you know that's your target building? i assume a lot look alike. >> they do, but our nation's military has clever ways of figuring that out. >> stephen: okay. i'll accept that. move on. >> so as we approach the building, our point man und teammate nick was up front. a guard came out of one of the doors. he immediately engaged the guard and we started sprinting toward the door. it's not your typical door. it was a layer of blankets. as nick started to move in through the blankets, i moved in behind him. as i went to my area of responsibility, an enemy on the back wall had his ak ready to
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another person moving across the floor. at that time you don't know if that was the american hostage just scared, trying to move -- >> stephen: what time of day is this? >> middle of the night. >> stephen: is it dark, a light on inside? >> it was bitch black. the average afghan house has one light bulb. i don't think this one had any light bulbs. we have night vision, so that gives us the advantage to see. i saw a person move across the floor. he was moving toward weapons. i got to him and straddled him and pinned him down with my legs. >> stephen: at this point, do you know if this is the hostage or someone hostile. >> i didn't know. i was trying to control him and adjusting my night vision so i could get facial recognition. simultaneously, we're calling out, american hostage, trying to
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he finally did respond back, about five feet away to me to my right. i engaged the person i was on top of and jumped off him and on to the american hostage. you want to do that because our goal is to bring this guy back alive and we're wearing body armor so we accept that risk and want to protect him. when that happened, there was another enemy that was to my left within arm's reach, fortunately, and i was able to pin him against the wall by his throat till my teammates were able to come in and take care of that. >> stephen: so you have your body on top of the hostage to protect him while pinning somebody against the wall with your hand, after engaging the enemy previously to that? >> that's correct (applause) >> stephen: now, can you tell us -- without giving a specific amount of time -- is this seeming like it's happening fast to you? or is it all happening in slow
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>> that is a unique thing about our training is we rehearse so much that it is very instinct chiewl. so while the whole scenario happened within a minute, minute and a half, in your mind it's very segmented. you take one situation, handle it and move on to the next. so it slows down. it's kind of like time slows down. >> stephen: now i know there are some things that you can't talk about the raid to get the hostage, but one thing i know you want to talk about that's important is to talk about your fellow navy seal, and this is nick check, right? >> yes, and nick check was a true american hero, and he's the hero of that operation. he gave his life to bring back another american and, frankly, that's what we do. (applause) >> stephen: he did not survive the engagement? >> he did not.
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receiving the medal of honor from president obama on monday, and for the rest of your life you know,, people will be calling you a hero. how do you feel? i know some people in the military don't like that title. how do you feel about that? >> that's not a title i would give myself. i think that's something other people bestow upon you, and the people i really consider heros are the brothers i work with. these men are, you know, the toughest men on the face of the planet. their mentality of never quit, never fail at anything they do is truly remarkable and, you know, if it wasn't for them, i wouldn't be sitting here today. they saved my life countless times. >> stephen: i understand there are some people you want to give a shout out to before we go. >> there is. so my neighbors bob and gigi, they love your show, and they've recorded every single one of your shows, so i have to say congratulations. i heard you just had your 100th episode here.
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hey, bob and gigi! (applause) well, thank you so much for being here and thank you for your service to our country. if you go back out, please stay safe and we're honored to have you. medal of honor recipient edward byers, everybody! (cheers and applause) we'll be right back! s br which means no eggo waffles. something smells delicious. eggo! l'eggo my eggo breakfast sandwich. it's sweet, it's savory, it's in your microwave. l'eggo my eggo breakfast
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put more fun in your day with ice-cream-flavored coffees at dunkin' donuts. go for delicious flavors like butter pecan, cookie dough, or new pistachio. enjoy one today.
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the bigger the burrito, the bigger the fun. dunkin's new grandde burrito -- a breakfast burrito packed with big southwest flavor. go grande with veggie or sausage today. america runs on dunkin'. >> stephen: here to perform "hey, no pressure," please. welcome grammy winner ray lamontagne! i hate to see you breaking down
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no pressure i want to help you through it all no pressure, no pressure i want to lift you when you fall no pressure, no pressure anything you want your life to mean, it can mean anything you want your life to mean,
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this life is full of give and take no pressure be careful of each step you take no pressure it doesn't matter, lose or win no pressure, no pressure it's all illusion in the end no pressure, no pressure anything you want to be, you can be


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