tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC December 14, 2016 11:00pm-12:03am CST
>> dicky: from hollywood - it's ?jimmy kimmel live?! tonight, david spade, the "jimmy kimmel live" clip of the year, and metallica. and now, on top of all that, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ? >> jimmy: thank you. thank you, i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thank you for coming.
feel like christmas here in hollywood. there's gingerbread syrup in our lattes. there's fake snow in our outdoor shopping malls. tiny chihuahuas in santa hats are peeking out of our louis vuitton bags. it's really a wonderful time of the year. it can get a little depressing being in l.a. you can feel very alone during the holidays. sometimes, i hope you don't mind me sharing this, but sometimes i feel like i'm the only one still celebrating kwanzaa. [ laughter ] metal ka is here tonight. [ cheers and applause ] look at all those people, the streets are jam packed. oh, this is a weird one. this is a real item that was posted for sale on amazon. yesterday, i think. these are leggings for toddlers and children. as you can see, marijuana leaf printed repeatedly. i don't know how somebody happened upon this. but they did. then they complained.
people were upset. this morning amazon took it down and replaced the listing with this photo of a dog that is also clearly stoned out of her mind. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] millie, i had a dog named milley once. pot leaf plants for children. in a way it makes sense. toddlers, they sit around all day eating cookies and watching cartoons, they might be stoners. only difference is stoners don't cry when you tell [ laughter ] i'm not sure if the subject of the pot plants came up but the ceo of amazon today met with donald trump. yesterday the president-elect met with bill gates, jim brown, and kanye west. today he met with executives from amazon, tesla, apple, google, and facebook. he gathered all the major tech execs for a very important rope. he wanted to see if any of them could figure out his itunes log-in. [ laughter ] he had an old e-mail account,
he switched over -- it's a long strorry but they got it strait straightened out. the ceo of twitter jack dory did not meet with donald trump, i'm guessing for the same reason dr. frankenstein never went out of his way to meet the monster. trump was in wisconsin as part of his thank you tour. they make a lot of beer in wisconsin. they drink a lot of beer in wisconsin. we slowed the donald down for a special america's dairy land edition of "drunk [ tape playing slowly ] >> speaker paul ryan. i've really come to -- oh, no -- i've come to appreciate him. speaker paul ryan. where's speaker? where is -- [ cheers and applause ]
the leader of north korea, kim jong-un, did something fun. multiple news sources are reporting that he got drunk at his vacation home and ordered his military leaders to stay up all night writing apology letters for their failures. so they did. they stayed up all night, terrified, then the next morning he woke up and he was totally confused, he didn't remember any of it. what are you doing in my house? what are these letters for? and some of the leaders started were about to be executed or deported. given a choice i'd go with deported. [ laughter ] is deported even a bad thing when you're living in north korea? i don't know. but apparently kim jong-un drinks a lot, which helps to explain this snazzy new haircut he has, parted in the middle now. [ laughter ] [ applause ] that should be in the window of every supercuts in america.
terms were powerball, prince, hurricane matthew, and pokemon go. which i think that sums our priorities as americans up. money, celebrities, the weather, and playing games on our phones. it's going through this list, i feel like after going through it like 2016 was the longest year ever. doesn't it feel like pokemon go happened in 1998 or something? [ laughter ] trump was the eighth most trending search, the election was ninth, hillaryli tenth. the least-searched phrase? l.a. rams tickets. [ laughter ] it's a local joke. every once in a while we throw one in. it's time now for what has for me become a cherished annual tradition. as the year winds down it's time to honor the true heroes of our show, our tv watchers. four actual human people sit through endless hours of television to find the absolute best of the absolute worst, and tonight thanks to their efforts under inhuman conditions, we
that they found "clip of the year." and the nominees are -- [ cheers and applause ] malted milk bald. >> now you see him, now you don't. >> beach balls. >> this is a release -- this makes a perfect circle. >>, what do you call that stuff? >> you should see the motions i make. [ cheers and applause ] >> torna-doh. >> that looks like a tornado. if i can get that super imposed on top of this. we do have what looks like a
forming. no, tell them to pan back to the right. pan back to the right. pan back to the right! we're missing the wall cloud is to the right. right in there. that is our wall cloud. that is what we're going to be looking for. this is what we're seeing. this is the wall cloud right here. if we can stay -- if we can tell them to stay right in the middle. we're missing it again. it's right here. this is where the wall cloud is. don't zoom in. that's not anything. this is what's called scud. this isn't any type of rotating cloud. this is our wall cloud right this is what will be causing the tornado. if they can zoom back out, that would be great. we have a tail cloud at the tail end of it over there, the funnel cloud -- they're going the wrong direction once again. laugh. >> jimmy: lotion commotion. >> we just came from shopping at the only store open on 86th street because my man did so well on his test, he wanted hand lotion and we got it. >> let me ask you, you've got good marks and you wanted hand lotion? it's cold, right?
>> former florida governor jeb bush. ladies and gentlemen, the republican candidates! >> dr. ben carson, please come out on the stage. he's standing here as well. dr. carson. >> and donald trump. >> and lastly, we welcome back to the debate stage donald trump. >> jimmy: wow. [ cheers and applause ] there's so many, so many great entries. but only one can win "the clip of the year" for 2016 -- gop
wow. congratulations. and here tonight to accept the award for "clip of the year" is dr. ben carson! [ cheers and applause ] dr. ben? dr. ben carson! [ cheers and applause ] anyone? >> ben carson, go, go! >> jimmy: dr. ben carson, come on out, dr. carson! all right, i will just go ahead and accept this trophy on his behalf. we have to take a break. when we come back we put band against fan to find out which one of them knows more about metallica. metallica will be here so stick around! [ cheers and applause ]
these as well. luke!? amy. it's been years! oh, you smell the same. oh you guys are so good-looking... and impeccably dressed. thanks. it's all old navy. you sending off some last minute gifts? i miss us. you know? you should go to old navy. the entire store is up to 60% off right now. that's an amazing idea. okay, i think i'll go there. get out of here. i don't know what that is. i'm just scratching my eyes. ? o romeo,
. call me but love, henceforth i never will be romeo my love is deep, the more i give to thee. a thousand times goodnight. ? olive garden fills your holidays with new flavorfilled pairings freshly filled pastas bursting with indulgent flavors chicken, shrimp or steak plus all the salad and breadsticks you want your favorite things come together at the holidays,
>> jimmy: tonight david spade is here. but first the streets outside our building are swarming with superfans, but only one superfan is the superfanniest of them all. one man will go head to banging head with his favorite band to know if he knows more about the band himself. it's time to play "who knows metallica?" our first contestants are members of the rock 'n' roll hall of fame, they have the number one album in the country, please welcome james, lars, robert, and kirk, metallica! [ cheers and applause ] welcome, welcome, welcome.
welcome, thank you for coming. i'm not sure but you are about to do battle with a superfan, are you ready to meet? >> we're ready. >> jimmy: say hello to your obsessed opponent, a fireman who flew all the way from cleveland just to see you tonight, dave, come on out dave! [ cheers and applause ] >> what's happening, dave? >> jimmy: there they are, that's them right there. >> boo! >> you're going down! >> jimmy: how much do you love melt ka? >> a lot, a lot. my whole life. >> jimmy: metallica, how much do you love dave? >> we don't know. >> trying to figure it out. >> jimmy: i am going to ask a series of questions about metallica. if you know the answer you buzz in and say it. if you're wrong, you only get one shot, so confer. your opponent will get a chance to answer. correct answers are 10 points.
the contestant? >> that is true, katy perry was defeated in this game, ozzy osbourne was crushed in this game. [ laughter ] we're playing for a valuable prize possession. what's on the line tonight? >> dicky: if dave wins he'll take home this beautiful esp guitar signed by the entire band. if metallica wins they will walk away with one of dave's prized possessions, his wallet. >> jimmy: that's right, this is dave's actual i went through it. his license is in here. his learning permit is in here. fireman badge is in this thing. there's a harley-davidson punch card in here. and a receipt from walmart. so we got it all here. the stakes are very high. >> high credit limits on those cards, right? >> jimmy: he's not going to be able to go home without this wallet, so the stakes are indeed high. are you ready to play the game? >> let's do this! >> jimmy: let's find out.
it's time to find out who knows metallica? here we go, first question. in what year was metallica inducted into the rock 'n' roll hall of fame? >> '09. >> jimmy: dave says '09, that is correct! [ cheers and applause ] >> finish the question first, that's not fair. >> jimmy: there are four of you and only one of him. so that's not fair either. next question, at that hall of fame ceremony, which musician in yes, lars? >> flea. >> jimmy: flea is absolutely correct. >> press the button really fast, it doesn't even matter. >> jimmy: next question, james and lars starred on which disney cartoon? >> go, go! >> that one! >> jimmy: does anybody know? >> dave, you know this, come on. >> dave the barbarian!
give it to james, he got it first. dave the barbarian. >> yeah! >> jimmy: dave. the cartoon was named after you. >> i love it. i'm a barbarian, yes. >> jimmy: next question. where did kirk buy his first guitar? lars? >> he stole it from me! >> kirk, come on. where did you buy your first guitar? >> uh -- >> oh >> rewards. >> jimmy: that is absolutely correct. >> did you buy the speaker? >> we are reversing history. >> jimmy: you're not even a metallica fan, are you? >> no! >> this doesn't seem fair, jimmy. >> we're going to take everybody out in hollywood tonight. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: all right, time is running out. where was metallica's first-ever gig?
>> jimmy: dave got it correct. radio city, anaheim. [ cheers and applause ] in what year did metallica officially form? lars? >> '81. >> jimmy: '81 is correct, metallica, you win! metallica wins their own game! [ cheers and applause ] i want to congratulate you, you are going home with dave's wallet, congratulations. >> we are going partying, boys and girls! >> where's the money? >> wait -- >> who's she? >> whoa! >> condoms? >> maybe, yeah. >> wow. okay. >> jimmy: there's all kinds of good stuff in there and it is all yours to take home. dave, are you disappointed? >> no, no. opportunity of a lifetime. >> jimmy: you did get to spend some quality time with metallica. gentlemen, i believe you have a consolation prize for dave? is that correct? >> we have a consolation prize, yes. we're playing a bunch of show in
one of them. we'll fly you out. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: metallica here with us tonight. we'll be right back with david spade! [ cheers and applause ] ? >> dicky: portions of "jimmy kimmel live" brought to you by the nissan rogue. see "rogue one: a star wars story" in theaters december 16th. the lords of the playlist. the midnight feasters. and the last train sprinters.
>> jimmy: hi there, welcome back. tonight, this is their new album, it's called ?hardwired to self-destruct,? metallica is here, they will sit down to talk and we closed the street down for them to rock afterwards. a big block party with metallica tonight. tomorrow night, blake shelton and andrea riseborough will be please join us then. [ cheers and applause ] our first guest is an american treasure. you know him from so many things i would be exhausted to even try to name them. and if you are in las vegas, you can see him live with ray romano at the mirage hotel february 24th and 25th. police say hello to david spade! [ cheers and applause ]
>> jimmy: how you doing? >> hey, all right. >> jimmy: what's going on? it's good to see you. >> yeah. >> jimmy: how are you doing? what's going on with the shoe box you got down there? >> look at theet [ bleep ] shoes. these, the shoes aren't mine. i wore my wrong ones today. >> jimmy: you did? >> i wore the ones i wear around the house, forgot to change them. then they had these backstage. i think some kid from things" left them. >> jimmy: what is your shoe size? >> micro. is that one? no, it's 8. it's an 8. >> jimmy: you just got -- [ laughter ] >> i don't know. >> jimmy: you finished a major comedy tour. >> oh, yeah. >> jimmy: with adam sandler. rob schneider. pick schwartzsen. >> they were the main ones. then also in l.a. and las vegas norm macdonald. and timmy meadows.
bozos. it was really, really fun. we finished last night in atlanta. i came back just straight from there. >> jimmy: is this strictly for fun that you guy dozen this? it seems like this is like the adam sandler wants to get out of his house and have fun with his friends tour. >> yeah, we all do, it's all fun. it was like at "snl," we'd all hang out. now we all get to goof around and fly around. and we're on the road. we're on the road so long. >> jimmy: do you stay in the same hotel? >> oh, yeah, you know it. >> jimmy: you do, >> adam gets the prez suite. it's funny in a dinky town, you're at the resident inn, they go, the presidential suite. how many presidents are staying here? we have a great time. when you do a show and there's that many good guys sometimes someone doesn't do that great. >> jimmy: really? >> because just by nature of an audience, they can't laugh like crazy over and over and over. they take a guy off sometimes.
if it's the same guy, there's a problem. >> well, we'd figure that out. [ laughter ] but it's like -- a couple nights ago -- most everyone does great. couple of nights ago my first two little bomb jokes eat it. then the next one eats it. and i go, am i the guy that sucks tonight? that's all i could think of. oh, no, i'm the guy. i turn on the razzle dazzle, after that. ta-da, pump up the volume, get louder. that's a good k. have dinner after the show? >> we do, eat at midnight after the show. >> jimmy: adam is like sinatra in this situation? >> yeah, yeah, yeah. and i'm sammy davis jr. [ laughter ] maybe not. >> jimmy: the small shoes. >> i don't know. we go out, we go to the restaurants. we did do the mannequin challenge last night. >> jimmy: you did? >> yeah, when the bill came. [ laughter ]
when we go in there, there was a guy, you know, some people talk to us, you know. people hanging out. this guy goes, hey, you know. he goes, come here. he goes, my buddy here wants to meet you, he's a doctor. oh, cool, cool. he goes, how old do you think i am? i go, i don't know, 70? he goes, 58. [ laughter ] people think i'm 40. i go, hm, i thought you were higher. then he goes, plastic surgeon. i go, cool. naturally, always. so i go, what would you do to me? >> jimmy: oh, really. >> oh, it's a mistake. as i said it, i want to back out of this one. i see him going -- really studying me, tick tick tick. then i go, i don't want to know, i don't want to know. he goes, document to know? you want the list? i go -- no, no. he goes, all right, here's just
these are not negotiable and i'll do it for free. this is must-do. and i'm like, uh, nah, it's cool, i'm not in that bad of shape. he goes, you aren't? listen, cane catapult you up to average-looking do you want that? for 100 grand? i go, oh. you can be a c-plus. you're going to walk away from that? are you tired of being personality-driven? fans. >> the fans. the fans get bananas out there. >> jimmy: do they? oh, yeah, right. >> first of all, we all love the fans. and it's always fun. and if they're fan fans, a lot of people are pictures guys. >> jimmy: they're not really fans. they just want to sell your picture. >> right. mine's not putting anybody through college, i'm telling you right now. but they have like emperor's new groove, blah, blah, blah. they have all of ours. i don't know where these people
hotel, restaurant, swoop. >> jimmy: it's amazing because they have in their hands -- >> a collection. >> jimmy: they knew where you were going to be. >> yeah. >> jimmy: unless they're carrying your picture everywhere they go. >> tipping a guy a nickel to tell you? because you're making a dollar on the picture. david, david, david, david. and i go, only fans, come on. he goes, i'm a fan. you want to do jeder 2? maybe my top 100 fans. he goes, come on, sign. no, don't sign on your face! all right. and then they trick you. they put the pictures like this. then i go, all right. he has his daughter there. he pimps his daughter out, fakes like she's a fan. first she's got a happy gilmore thing for starters. then she goes, i'm your biggest -- not that buy!
>> jimmy: and so what you're saying is when people go see you in las vegas, they can do this to you all over again with ray romano? >> they will do it. joe dirt! immediately a selfie head lock, aah! it's already over, man, come on. >> jimmy: this is very relatable, it really is. >> yeah. but it used to be autographs. no more. >> jimmy: no, no, nobody wants your autograph anymore. if you try to sign somebody's name, no, no, don't put my name on it. >> who are u? >> jimmy: you also have a television show on trutv, a prank show called "fameless." how many seasons of this show have you done now? >> oh my god. this is two, maybe three. >> jimmy: you are very involved in the production of this program? >> well, i do it, but we do them in eight, six, 12, keep going and going. i don't know what they call it. we prank people. which is tough for me. i'm in some of them and it's
pranking people? >>, you it's fun to watch. i get so scared when i'm in it. we do -- threw a guy off a balcony. i go, i don't know these people, i feel bad. everyone goes, yeah, you nailed him! so excited. >> jimmy: it's always a pleasure to see you. >> it's fun, metallica's here. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: metallica's here tonight. >> go see metallica! >> jimmy: david spade and ray romano at the mirage in vegas february 24th and we love knowing what's happening. be right back with metallica! so the nest cam security camera looks after things and alerts your phone if something's up. hey, need a glass? no matter what it is. hey, dad.
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>> jimmy: welcome, welcome. lars, you said some very nice things about our band backstage. >> awesome, standing back there bouncing around, awesome. >> jimmy: thanks for coming. it's really great to have you here. we're very excited about it. [ cheers and applause ] we have a huge crowd outside. we never had a bigger crowd for one of these block parties. so thanks for coming and making it happen. that guy dave who's your big fan, do you ever -- does it ever freak any of you out when people know so much about you? >> that was pretty crazy, yeah. he was fast on the trigger. >> jimmy: he was fast. he's a fireman which is a good quality to have. [ laughter ] >> yeah, absolutely. >> i think it's great that someone knows stuff that i can't remember. it's great. >> jimmy: yeah, it's convenient, really. >> someone's got to write the book. >> on top of that, that he came all the way from cleveland on his own accord. >> jimmy: and he walked too which is unbelievable. this is your first album. how many years since your last one? >> eight. >> jimmy: in eight years.
album? >> is someone clapping for eight years? yeah! try ten! [ laughter ] >> jimmy: whose fault was it that it took so long? let's single someone out. >> this guy. >> let's start with lou reed. who we spent a year with. rest in peace. we had a great year with lou reed. we we did a 3d movie for all did of years. that was a lot of fun. we spent three years on the back of a last album touring. >> jimmy: then between? you guys have that? >> yeah, you got to get down to the studio and away from the family and all that stuff. >> jimmy: what's the nature of what you guys creatively, because there are four guys, you guys, there's this nucleus as far as song-writing goes, how do you settle disputes if people don't agree? >> we get a third person in there. >> jimmy: you will? >> well, lars and i do the producing of the stuff. we get a real producer in. [ laughter ] who makes suggestions and, you
luck. >> jimmy: i see, right, sure. >> but triangulation works in a democracy. >> jimmy: it does work. do you still do the thing where you get in the car and listen to the songs? >> that's kind of my thing. at the end of a metallica record i like to just put it in and drive in one direction and just keep going and the record really has to get me where i'm going a lot faster. >> jimmy: if it doesn't, you pull over and throw it out the window? [ laughter ] >> i pull over. >> jimmy: start over? >> and come back. >> he keeps going one way, that he doesn't come back. >> jimmy: are your kids excited that their dads are part of metallica? does that make them cool or you cool? >> for me, my kids think guitar playing is boring. >> jimmy: they do? >> yeah. [ audience groaning ] >> yeah, do you believe it? >> jimmy: what do these like, these children? >> my oldest plays piano and cello. my 8-year-old plays violin. >> jimmy: snore. >> yeah.
where they just flip over and they turn into full-on metal heads. >> jimmy: most parents don't want that for their children. [ laughter ] >> all of our kids are very creative and play music. >> if you start them young, you know. start at like -- guns n' roses, deep purple, black sabbath, ac/dc, 2 or 3 years old in the car. >> in the car so you can really force them to listen. >> right, yeah. >> the ramones. a whole year on the way to school. they know every ra mopes, ac/dc song. >> jimmy: that is the way to go for sure. >> indoctrination. >> jimmy: eventually they'll turn on you. in fact i have photographs here. celebrities, a lot of them. i'm wondering if they're wearing these for fashion? i know justin bieber is a metallica fan. >> awesome. >> jimmy: does that flatter you guys when kendall jenner has a metallica shirt?
logo's missing. [ laughter ] >> yeah, and like kanye west wearing a metallica shirt. >> he likes the toilet part. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: who doesn't like the toilet part. >> who doesn't? i think everyone should be able to wear whatever the hell they want. >> jimmy: the metallica logo is one of the greatest logos, not just in music, but great logos. it kind of says everything. where did that logo come from? >> yeah -- >> jimmy: you drew it? >> on a nap dip. when we were thinking band and what dream we wanted, how we wanted to conquer the world with music, i don't know, it just came out of a sketch. >> jimmy: did you take it to a graphic artist and say, make this? into a thing? >> make it real. >> jimmy: is that how it was to start with? >> i -- no, i was a perfectionist and i was going to do -- i took four years of drafting in high school. >> jimmy: oh, wow. >> i had a ruler and stuff. >> jimmy: so school really did -- [ laughter ]
>> no more rules for me, no. >> jimmy: this is going to be great. we got a lot -- we have thousands and thousands of people out there. some of them slept over here last night. so they are very anxious to get going. [ cheers and applause ] this is the new album, it debuted at number one, "hardwired to self-destruct." we'll be going outside. we will hear music from metallica. thanks, fellas!
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? ? ? ? crucify and witness circling the sun bastardize and ruin what have you become ? ? blame the world and blame your maker wish em to the undertaker ? ? crown yourself the other savior so you carry on ? ? all you bear all you carry all you bear ? ? place it right on right on me ? ? die as you suffer in vain own all the grief and the pain ? ? up the skies atlas rise ? ? how does it feel on your own bound by the world all alone ? ? crushed under heavy skies crushed under heavy skies atlas rise ? ? ? ? ? ?
? ? ? ? masquerade as maker heavy is the crown beaten down and broken drama wears you down ? ? overload the martyr stumbles hit the ground and heaven crumbles ? ? all alone the fear shall humble swallow all your pride ? ? all you bear all you carry all you bear ? ? place it right on right on me ? ? die as you suffer in vain own all the grief and the pain ?
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on they fight for they're right ? this is "nightline." >> tonight, fiery thoughts. >> the russians didn't make hillary the most unlikeable human being to ever wear a pantsuit. >> 24-year-old tomi lahren is lighting up the internet with kaepernick -- >> attention-seeking cry baby. >> and beyonce. inside her confrontation with "the daily show's" trevor noah. >> you can't call them the new kkk, the kkk is still around. >> a peek behind the curtain at those infamous rants. >> plus i got the keys. >> dj khaled! >> hip-hop sensation and king of snapchat dj khaled holds nothing back, even broadcasting the birth of his son. >> how we doing, dot?