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tv   Jimmy Kimmel Live  ABC  February 15, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EST

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>> dicky: from hollywood, it's " jimmy kimmel live" ! tonight -- david spade ---- and it's mashup monday with music from "panic! at the sisqo"tones. and now, you've got it -- here's
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>> jimmy: very nice. i'm jimmy, i'm the host. thanks for watching. you for coming. very nice. hope you had a good valentine'serday. there's only so much good that can come out of valentine's day. kind of like a blood test in that either nothing happens or the result is something horrible. wife and i went out to dinner. i have to say i really feel i had a strong performance morning to night yesterday. i made breakfast, bacon, the flowers showed up on time, they were the right flowers, she liked her gifts,
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got her a card, i wrote in it.h is a big thing. then because i remembered to make a reservation five weeks ago we had a dinner at a normal time, not 5:00 p.m. or 10:45 my wallet and she had to pay for dinner, otherwise -- [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ]hose things. funny, valentine's day is a night for love, romance. my wife spent a good portion of the dinner last night talking aboutt me but beyonce. she was swooning talking about beyonce. so i asked, as if i didn't know.ly is it that you like about her? she thought about it and then she went into this -- she said, i had to start writing it down as she was doing it, she said re -- what do you like about beyonce? she said, i like her songs. i like how beautiful she is.
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i love the way she sings. i really love her so much. i think about it all the time. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: beyonce has stolen my wife from me.much nicer than the card she wrote me for valentine's day. our daughter jane is 19 months old. first valentine's day that she kind of has some awareness that something's going on. this happened in the aisle at rite aid over the weekend. my wife kind of lost track of her. her in the stuffed animal line kissing every bear on the shelf. she misses that one. but she goes back, gets that one.e has a type, huh? some kind of teddy bear version
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earlier abc, a new episode of "the bachelor" barged into our lives. so much happened, too much happened to explain with mere words. for those whotime for "the bachelor" emoji recap, where i explain what happened using emoernlg jiemojis, the ge. tonight ben the bachelor started the show with six women. they all flew to his hometown. where ben asked join him on a one-on-one date. they played basketball with a group of kids. nba players paul george and m the indiana pacers showed up. and then after that ben took another woman, joe joe, all the way to wrigley field in there they played some baseball and they kissed. they ate, they drank, then they kissed some more.
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kaa the virgin, took amanda and kayla to a farm where they went on rowboats, they flew e are no kite emojis so just go with it. ben gave amanda the rose. rose. the other two he had to kick kayla and bekaa the virgin out. so she's going to be a virgin for a while. they cried.took amanda out for fast food. they got a burger and fries and they kissed. then they went on a merry go e again they kissed. and then on a ferris wheel where they kissed. the next day ben took emily to meet his parents, his mom and emily shared something interesting with ben's dad, she doesn't like vegetables.
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cheerleader. and then ben's parents said, oo young. so ben sent emily home. emily then spent some time crying in the car.nown to do. next it was time for the rose ceremony. ben sent bekaa the virgin home. and then she did something no one she cried and cried and cried in the car home. and that was pretty much that. that was "the bachelor" in emojis.] so we're down to the final -- left, which means ben now finally knows everyone's name. up until this week he just called them all lauren and hoped for the best.nts' day.
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in 1885 to honor george washington and then other presidents jumped on board and we honor them all.y presidents' day, this is sweet, michelle obama lets president obama eat one skittle as a treat. about thes day getting ready by photoshopping his head onto a million-dollar bill. donald trump is ahead pack in. meanwhile his opponents are very busy trying to cannibalize each other. this is from the republican debate on saturday night. >> marco went on spanish and said he would not rescind president obama's illegal executive amnesty on his first day in office. i have promised to rescind everycutive action, including that one -- very f all i don't know how he knows what i said on univision because he doesn't speak spanish.
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[ speaking spanish ] [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's what happens when he doesn't speak for more than 30 seconds. meanwhile in a very different kind of race in l.a. the l.a. marathon, the 31st annual. between the marathon and obama's visit it was a big week for kenyans screwing up l.a. traffic. a runner from kenya won on the men's side. aom the ukraine won on the women's side. my cousin sal was there cheering the runners on and making mischief.tradition. once again here is cousin sal at the l.a. marathon.>> sal: free water, everyone, grab some, all right, i'm sorry, yeah, that's been giving people trouble. use your wrist. go.it!
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there you go. it's all yours. there you go. oh, on, yeah. you keep grabbing the wrong one,who wants to be disappointed? that guy. sorry. yeah, oh -- yeah, take some water, there you go. oh, come on.he whole gag. i hope you lose. who wants some booze? margarita time. come on, take one. there you go. a margarita. line. tequila!e to return >> no take that with you and mail it back to us. marguerite tax hey, come on. it's 9:00 in the morning, get drunk.shrimp, everyone, shrimp, left over from my super bowl party!
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don't forget the cocktail sauce! come on take somerimp. beautiful, all right. creamed corps corn. creamed corn. you want some?t to make a mess, creamed corn. you want some? here, all right. see, you're going to win now. creamed corn. yeah. i'm having everyone share the same ladle. here we go. chocolate-covered sardines. chocolate sardines. it's sardines with chocolate on head, take it. chocolate sardines, take one. >> hell no. >> sal: chocolate sardines. chocolate fish. for you. hey, hey, hey, come on. i'm pretty sure they're not
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everybody! come on, run through. oh, that's great very nice. i think you're supposed to -- come on you heard of a runner's high, this is a runner's low.! yeah! come on. we can go real low for you two.to slow you down. yeah. amy schumer playing along, thank you.egistered. whonce? hey, right. i'm like pick caught sew. want deodorant? all right. good, good. this is really gross. come on. you look like you need -- oh, you have a lot of hair.
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who took the last one from me. you guys want deodorant? all right. who else? come on, todd. >> sal: my final offering. the cutest cupid in the city of angels. come on gabriel.tions! you won, take him! there you go. happy valentine's day. whoo!hter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: wow. thank you, cousin sal. hello, gabriel. take a break. when we come back from the break, we have a very important message. kanye west needs money. for real. and a brand-new star-studded "mean tweets"
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enough talk.an. eers and applause ] >> jimmy: hello, there. welcome back to the show. david spade, derek hough, and e fwrik panic at the sisco on the way. first an important update on the performer/fashion designer kanye kanye's promoting his new album so he's been tweeting a lot. saturday he tweeted, this is real, he said i write to this you my brothers while still $53 million in personal debt.overcome. this is my true heart. $53 million? how the hell did this happen?leather pants cost? kanye west released
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rapper ever to brag about how much money he doesn't have. but he does have an idea of who he can get that kind of money from. he tweeted mark zuckerberg, on into kanye west's ideas. after realizing that he is the greatest living artist and greatest artist of all-time. i am the jordan and steph curry of 'm the best of two generations. mark zuckerberg, i know it's your birthday but can you please call me by tomorrow. by the way, the funniest part isbirthday is in may. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that didn't slow kanye down at all. he kept going. publicly asking you for help. one of the accompanyingest things thing s -- coolest things you could do is help me in my time of need.illion from the guy who invented facebook maybe don't ask for it on twitter.
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[ cheers and applause ]weeted that he will win more than 100 grammy awards before he dies. the grammys were tonight.ost which means the city was once again left unprotected from naval-related crimes. it's silly really when you think about it to pick one song or her. but every music fan does it. music fans are an opinionated bunch. sometimes especially on social media that translates into hate.to time on this show we high a light nasty things posted by famous people by asking those famous people to aloud. tonight on music's biggest night it seemed appropriate to present an all-music edition of "mean tweets." an trainor is like if the sassy girl you used to work with at express just randomly had a singing career.
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more like inky farting. >> hey, james taylor, we get it. you've seen fire and rain. guess what? so have i and so have a lot ofle. isn't that special. #douche. >> honestly, little big toer listen to a turd hitting the toilet than your new songs. >> bad! >> common, is that the motto for your penis? >> i can't ed sheeran. why the [ bleep ] are you happy on your records? you [ bleep ], [ bleep ] for [ bleep ] sake. >> kelly clarkson is on to go poop. >> charlie wilson reminds me of that old creepy uncle you weren't allowed to be alone with growing up. >> if io punch one piece of [ bleep ] in the face it would be blake shelton.
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>> i imaginemells like biz marquee's toilet brush. >> hey, josh groban, suck my [ bleep ] you big tool. subtle. >> omg, demies my [ bleep ] ears bleat. stfu, you talentless [ bleep ] reserve you're going to give me a heart k. like nine a's. >> i think the killers [ bleep ] suck. i'd rather listen to a bum ep ] slap my face. >> drake looks like a ferret with a baby afro. >> don't understand the world's obsession with one direction. little boys with gross hair and skinny jeans? >> of course. >> if lionel richie wants once, es a lady, he's a picky [ bleep ].
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>> i wish joan rivers was still alive so orr that she dresses like a bag of [ bleep ]. >> i love how music takes you away to another place. like mumford and sons playingstaurant, so now i'm going to another restaurant. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ]mess with mumford but do not mess with his sons. tonight it is mashup monday with panic at the s. sqo, is here, and be right back with david spade!ns of "jimmy kimmel live" brought to you by wendy's. home of the deliciously single,
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[ cheers and applause ]my: tonight, from " dancing with the stars," and he's the host of " the wonderful world of disney: disneyland 60," sunday night on abc, derek hough is here. mash-up monday. "panic! at the disco" and sisqo join forces to form " panic! at the sisqo " on the samsung outdoor stage.ow night, we'll be joined
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state john kerry. that's right. from guillermo at the grammy awards. right now as we speak. and later this week, megan fox, kerry washington, ben mckenzie, s" nikolaj coster-waldau and we will have music from chris stapleton and jason derulo. please join us then.tonight is worn out after a sexually athletic valentine's day weekend. this friday and saturday night, you can see him live with ray romano at the mirage hotel in las vegas. to david spade. [ cheers and applause ] h!
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>> hey, man.night i record promos for some of the local stations across the country. tonight we had david spade backstage cackling or snickering? >> a lot of both.. what about the guy that's on right now? >> jimmy: how are you doing? in vegas over the weekend? >> i was all over, my man. we went on the roadi show a photograph? >> yeah, we had a big tour, a bunch of comics went on the road. >> jimmy: you're underselling it by saying a bunch of comics on cheers and applause ] >> mcdonald, norm, adam saheard of him. >> rob schneider, tim meadows, spade, and eddie vetter. >> jimmy: and eddie vetter. [ cheers and applause ] >> that was seattle. a tour, comedians, in some towns some people come to watch.
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>> that was a big one. eddie -- we sang at the end, generation" to be stupid. eddie's on the side, he came out and sang, was really good. >> jimmy: you planned to sing without eddie, then eddie joinedwas just there. he ran out and saved the day because it was bombing. yeah. >> jimmy: did he have the song in vegas? >> no, no. veg gas was thosei did portland, denver, phoenix, all the other cities. they were there so i stopped by and watch and did a few minutes. >> you were the eddie vetter? exactly. >> jimmy: when you tour do you stay in the hotel room, bunk up? >> super fun, it's so great, we save money and have one room.ch other like puppies. but sometimes it's hard. because some hotels are nice, hove them were nice this trip. one was so good, because i wasabout bedbugs, i think they're unappealing.
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>> i don't like them. they said this hotel's so great we have a bedbug sniffing doghe room before you get there. i thought what a bummer job on the sniffing dog job meter, you know? the dog's like -- and they go, then he goes -- yeah, yes, bedbugs, yes. the bitter familiar taste of bedbah. he gets at home. all i taste is bedbugs all day. like ten hours, you know?mi, it's not over. [ laughter ]now. >> no, i mean -- >> jimmy: maybe it should be you know? >> >> jimmy: okay, all right. >> his brother is in miami, this guy sniffs coke all day! he complains about it.
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with me for. you'd hate it. you have the balls to complain? >> jimmy: have you ever met anyone that has a bedbug bite? have you ever encountered -- did. he goes like this. looked like a shark. is that a bedbug bite? i've seen pictures on the internet. they zoom in.h! no chance. how do people go -- i had them the first two nights. two? why didn't you scream running down the street the second night?ck, here we go. you're going to get eaten again? >> jimmy: it's your safest possible place in your bed. yet i am paranoid did. stuff, yet i never met anyone in real life who had a bedbug -- >> i think my friend's trying to sound cool or gross. wound i assume it's a bedbug. but it's usually a mosquito or something like that. >> no, but the one thing that happened on the road that was embarrassing, i my luggage got mixed up and i
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it's hard to shop, you know? luckily there's a macy's in i go to this and i went to get, you know, underwear, whatever. i don't want to ask. also there's people from the town. you're like 8% more famous if wn. which is good. >> jimmy: right. >> people want a selfie, and it's a quick head lock now. it's a science. already over, it's already over. i'm finding i don't look good from eight inches away. from the data i've gotten. older black guy's there, can i help you? i go, no. because i don't want to ask. i'm there two hours. i'll be in lamps. ask where underwear is. i figure i'll find it if i stay at the walls. he goes, you lost? i go, all right, come here, i ear.
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i go, no one said that. now they follow me.here's the underpants! he puts me to some wall of calvin klein. i pick up one. those the underpants you like! i'm like, it's just a random sample. the tight ones that hug your leg! you show up eggplant i go, i don't know what you're saying. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: eggplant friday? >> then i have to buy socks. guess i haven't bought them for a while. they say fit sizes 6 to 13, which is a wide net, you know? >> jimmy: it is, yeah. >> theyt yet? just give me my size. i know where i fall, on the lower side. i'm glad they don't sell condoms like that. [ laughter ]asian to black guy. i know where i fall on that one too.
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>> jimmy: you are -- first of all, i want to mention you and no, who's great, you're doing a show together in las vegas, mirage. secondly, you have a film coming out on netflix with adam sandler. >> yeah, yeah, yeah. "eggplant friday"? >> no, "the do-over." that's a big one, memorial day. >> jimmy: and i don't want to embarrass you but you've been gettingnotices, reviews for your -- >> oh, jimmy, jimmy. >> jimmy: david did a movie, very out of character, it's a drama. >> yeah. >> jimmy: you played a serious role. >> and it's very -- you've never done this before, have you? >> it's solid acting. there's a little bit of -- amount of buzz about it. >> jimmy: there is some buzz. >> it's awards season. so i decided to take a hard swing at it. he awards, it is awards season but the awards have been -- >> >> right, i don't understand. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah.n anywhere.
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and i haven't seen it yet, i'm excited. this. david spade takes a dramatic turn. >> i am so lucky to have you. >> i'm the lucky one.n tonight. i look at myself but i see nothing.illion miles away. >> huh? >> let me help you. let me be there for you. i love you. >> [ bleep ] you! i'm sorry! no! >> i can't stay here and watch you kill yourself.
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more pills! when will you get that?! what the [ bleep ] is going on with me? >> in there, honey?ing my teeth! no i'm not! no i'm not!ou're not yourself anymore. >> who even is myself? >> you have to choose, it's me or the pills! >> the pills.ar, there you are. oscar!r. oscar!
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>> bleak. ] >> yeah! yeah! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: congratulations. great stuff. david spade, everybody. >> watch out, ray romano at the mirage on friday and saturday in las vegas, nevada.
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i've got a brain? you think a resume's enough? who'll step up when things get tough? hat kind of brain? a degree is a degree. you're gonna want someone like me. but only if you have a brain. life as spokesbox is great. people love me for saving them over half a grand when they switch to progressive. so i'm dabbling in new ventures. ght with the dalai lama. great guy. terrible player. go paperless don't stress, girl at you need it's a balancing act, but i got to give the people what they want -- more box. the critics? what can i say? critties gonna neg. [ applause ] the what?! [ laughs ] squirrel and think, "yeah, i could use that kind of energy? pretty sure that's how nuts were
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>> jimmy: welcome back. derek hough and "panic! at the sisqo" are on the way.ge from wendy's, where they've been serving fresh, deliciously different hamburgers for more than 45 years. one of their secrets is, unlys, they never freeze their beef, which, as our friend, guillermo,
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truly terrifying. ers! frozen!! aaahhhh! why is everything frozen!hello, i'm dave from wendy, made deliciously different with fresh, never frozen beef, unlike
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eat me! >> jimmy: okay. >> guillermo: pepe! that was scary. thank you, wendy's, for the day. >> dicky: taste the delicious difference of a double at wendy's. >> jimmy: we'll be right back with derek hough! [ cheers and applause ] s the beef? means something different. some use beef frozen from far away. but wendy' s believes the juiciest hamburgers are made from fresh beef raised... right here. me of the deliciously different dave' s double. shopping for an suv? well, this is the time. and your ford dealer is the place,ncing for 60 months on a ford suv. that's right. just announced. ford explorer...edge...escape... and expedition...% financing for 60 months. ford suvs. designed to help you
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my: still to come, mashup sisqo.dancer all the stars want to paso their dobles. he is one half of the cutest brother-sister teams since donny and marie, and on sunday night, he hosts " the wonderful world of disney: disneyland 60" here on abc. please say hello to derek hough.nd applause ]
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i was thinking about you today. you're kind nerve a way like the tom brady of "dancing with the stars." in that you've won so many -- u won now? >> six times. [ cheers and applause ] no rings, though. result in the other professional dancers despising you, yes? >> i don't know. if they do they hide it well. we all get along pretty good. along pretty well. the mirror ball trophy. is that junk? or is that like -- [ laughter ] >> funny, because you think you do all that hard work and get this disco ball trophy andg, okay, thanks. you know? now it's like, when you come over to the house, people come over and they're like, there it is, the disco ball trophy!now. is it like -- i used to be a deejay at weddings and i had a disco ball i traveled with. and it was a piece of styrofoam. it was just aere with little pieces of glass glued to it. >> it's pretty much the same, yeah. it's a little heavy.
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the years to make it feel more >> jimmy: i'm glad. >> i think it's the same. it's actually funny. dancing with my partner, i'm like don't worry about it, if it doesn't go well i'll make you worry. go to the hardware store, don't worry about it. >> jimmy: do you hear the stars want you to be their dance partner? i tell you, i gamble on this >> right, yeah, i hear, yeah. >> jimmy: i have won with you. i always give extra elebrity that dances with you. i feel like a lot of the times the people are calling in vote aring for you, they don't care who you're dancing with. >> for those that do, thank you do. [ cheers and applause ] i don't know, honestly, it is hit or miss. you never know.ent thins that come into play with the show. not just the dancing. personalities, the story, the journey. >> jimmy: yeah, that's all [ bleep ], right? >> yeah.lly. >> the girls want you to win
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[ cheers and applause ] >> i don't know. >> jimmy: do say, will dance on the show only if derek is my partner? >> i don't know. they don't let me know if that's the case. >> jimmy: do you go through the stars --. if i dance with somebody they'll say, i was hoping for you. >> jimmy: they may be hoping but demanding? >> in the past, earlier seasons,u, i wanted somebody else." and i was like, oh, thanks. >> jimmy: who were some of the ones -- was earlier -- >> jimmy: that seems convenient. >> yeah, yeah. i've blocked them out of my memory forever. but it was funny. it made me want to earn myon the show. you didn't want me? i'm going to make you want me by the end of the show. in a distancing sense. >> jimmy: not just in a dancing sense. you have been -- openly dated a couple, and secretly dated probably another eight or ten, right?
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[ cheers and applause ]immy: what is it that puts them under your spell, under the derek hough spell?ality or is it just the grinding of your bodies together? >> the grinding. >> jimmy: it's the grinding. >> no, it's -- i mean, you're in you know, you're just spending so much time together. you get to know each other. >> jimmy: you're dry humping each other to music, in a way, yeah? yes? yes.ome people go like, oh my gosh, how do you not get all like -- when you're dancing. honestly, you get like a little this becomes the norm. >> jimmy: do you dance like that with your sister julianne who's also a dancer? >> no, absolutely not. >> jimmy: ah, there we go!d to know. >> by the way, when i was growing up my parents were like, dance together?
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>> jimmy: i'm getting beat up at school so i can have these girls! >> yeah, exactly. no i'm not going to dance with >> jimmy: you're hosting this 60th anniversary of disneyland. was that fun? >> incredible. it right. you know, i was able to emcee this amazing evening. dame helen mirren, harrison ford,amazing e ing performances. it was incredible, man. >> jimmy: you shot hike in the middle of the night in disneyland? >> we did, this big opening of people and the parade. but we were there like 3:00 in the morning. i'm sitting there. i'm thinking like, when i was a was like, on effort. here i am, i have the whole park it was really special. i got to go on cool little they showed me secret things nobody really knows. >> jimmy: what doesn't anybody know? >> they don't know a lot. >> jimmy: do they swear you -- >> i learned so much. ue that feral
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>> well, cats do. they do. >> jimmy: for real? >> i saw at least ten cats throughout the night, i swear. >> jimmy: that's why they have a giant mouse. [ laughter ] >> they can never catch them. see you. it's the wonderful world of disneyland, disneyland's 60th, sunday night 8:00 on abc. derek hough, everybody. be right back with pan i guess icky: the jimmy kimmel live concert series is presented by
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life as spokesbox is great. people love me for saving them over half a grand when they switch to progressive. in new ventures. it was board-game night with the dalai lama. great guy. terrible player. go paperless l i got the discounts that you need it's a balancing act, but i got to give the people what they want -- more box. for the critics? what can i say? critties gonna neg. [ applause ] the what?!
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>> dicky: the jimmy kimmel live concert series is presented by samsung.thank my guests, and apologize to matt damon. we ran out of time. "nightline" is next but first it's mash-up monday. here with the " thong song,"
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ooho scandalous and you know another man couldn't handle it see you shaking that thang like who's da ish with a look in you you like to dance at all the hip hop spots and you cruise to the crews like connect da dots not just urban she likes the pop cause she was living la vida loca a truck truck truck thighs like what what what baby move your butt butt butt i think to sing it again a truck truck truck thighs like what what what all night long let me see that thong ike it when the beat goes da na da na baby make your booty go da na da na ou wanna show da na da na that thong th thong thong thong girl i know you wanna show da na da na that thong th thong thong thong scandalous and i know another couldn't handle it and she shaking that thang like who's da ish
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she like to dance at all the hip hop spots and she cruise to the crews not just urban she likes the pop cuz she was living la vida loca she had dumps like a truck truck truck thighs like what what what baby move your butt butt butt she had dumps like a truck truck truck thighs like what what what all night long let me see that thong come on come on come on it when the beat goes da na da na baby make your booty go da na da na girl i know you wanna i like it when the beat goes da na da na wanna show da na da na i like it i like it yeah yeah yeah yeah say yeah yeah
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this is "nightline." >> liar, liar. escalation, the race for president getting even nastier and more chaotic. >> single worst liar i've ever seen. >> from schoolyard taunts to b bush brings out his brother, the former president. >> in my experience, the strongest person usually isn't the loudest one in the room. >> theme down during his reign, so -- >> add into this combustible mix the sudden death of a supreme court justice. and an epic battle looming over how and when -- >> the president should appoint someone --

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