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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  December 7, 2016 10:35pm-11:36pm CST

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captioning sponsored by cbs >> once again it's time for us to select our person of the year. i think we all know who it has to be, so if someone will just come out and say it, we can move on. anybody? ( laughter ) listen, i know nobody wants to be responsible for picking him for the cover, but come on. let's be professionals here. just say his name. we'll get back to our jobs. okay i'll start you off truuu... somebody jump in here. i've been in this room for five hours. so far the only suggestion i've heard is, "can i use the bathroom?" no, you cannot use it, not till you say his name!
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filled with jars of urine and waste. they've passed out from the fumes. look, we're all adults. just say the name so we can go home! say it! i hope you're all happy! carl was just eaten by that dingo. i have the water jug! i am the ruler! i will show my bravery by say his trump! trump is the person of the year! aaarrgghhh! >> it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight, stephen welcomes sigourney weaver andy cohen and a performance by pilobolus. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york
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( cheers and applae ) >> stephen: nice to see you. ( cheers and applause ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome! thank so that's so nice of you. please have a seat, everybody. you're too kind. thank you so much. welcome to "the late show." i am your host, stephen colbert. ( cheers and applause ) very nice, very nice. i suddenly am very affectionate toward you, too. now, there's no getting around it, today, donald trump was named "time's" person of the
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demands a recount. you gotta admit, this is a huge honor. "time" is america's premiere magazine about things we're running out of. ( laughter ) and let's face it, trump dominated the news this year. the only person who came close was hillary clinton, who sadly had to sete for the cover of "upstate woods wanderer." that's good. she looks happy. she looks she's fine! she's going to be fin check out trump on "time's" cover. i can understand why he distrusts the media. it looks like they snuck up on him to take that photo. plus, "time," don't think we didn't notice that you put those devil horns right on his head. it's true. i don't think that's a joke. i think that's true.
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trump wahappy about it, and, of course, angry about it as well, especially angry that the caption resident, "president of the divided states of america," and he shared his feelings this morning on t "today" show. >> when you say "divided states of america," i didn't divide them. i me, ere's a lot of division, and we're going to put it back together. >> stephen: yes, all the king's rses and all the king's men are going to put america back together agaft of state dumpty falls off the wall that mexico's going to pay for. keep in mind thiss the future leader of the free world. he didn't just call in to whine about a magazine cover. night live."ed about "satuay >> first of all, nothing to do with me. there's nothing funny about it. the skits e terrible. >> so why do you keep watching it? >> i like alec, but his imitation of me is really mean-spirited and not very good. >> stephen: and yet, trump feels compelled to watch a show that he thinks does a trie
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i'm donald trump, see? i love my moy, money, cashh." myeh. i run this town. yeah, yeah. i'dold tmp! ( cheers and applause ) m-- i'm naldrump. i'm donald trump. sock it to me. thanks for tuning in, mr. president-elect! plenty of that over the next four years. yesterday, trump met with japanese billionaire masayoshi son, the owner of sprint. the two of them hated a deal for son's compa, softbank, to invest $50 million in the u.s. and we were only able to find out abouthe details of this plan because the media zoomed in on what appears to be a printed t powerpoi slide that was circled and signed. signing a powerpoint, of course, one of the tactics outlined in trump'"thebo, lip-art of
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( laughter ) this is-- this is strange, how we're learning things. it's weird to learn this way. it is a strangway to announce a deal, not nearly as strange as masayoshiself, who, among other things, says hr softbank. the w, if your softbank stmore than 300 years, ( laughter )octor. an applauding. it's not worth appg.lain it's not. >> jon: hey, hey! >> stephen: and his other plans include breakingown d language barriers and allowing people to communicate telepathically. you know you're rich when you propose a 300-year plan to create a telepathic bank a people go, "great idea, chief!" laught )
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still, telepathic communication? mr. son, let me tell you what i inhat idea. ( laughter ) darn it! cheeseburger. i should have eaten beforehe show. on i'll get you one day, thought burger. oh, this isciting! trump staffer and angry pencil that since the election, we've become me fr. merry christmas, because donald trump is now theesidprt. you can sagain. it's not a pejorative word anymore! >> stephen: yep! you can say it again! i'm sod thatonald p finally put an end to appythe "h dayslinonsenhat's been forced on us by people lik t.donald but what we're free, now
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from all of us here at the "late ow," m. m... sorry, i'm out of practice after living underht yeas of obama's sharia l. give me a second here. mm... mm... mmm... murphy crankshaft nope help hold on, let me try again. margy cliff notes. wait, i will get this. think of a h c mm... mm... marvel clambake. honestly, i think that's the best ionna d jon? ( applause ) ? although it's been said many times, many ways ? marvel clambake to you ? >> stephen: jon batiste,
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we've t great show for you sigourney weaver is here. and when we return, i am going between hillary clinton, pizza, and me. stick around. spooky. ? ? ?
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( cheers and applause ) >>tephen: hey! welcome back, everybody. we have a lot of fun here at "the late show" lking about the news of the day, but i hope you don't get your news from me because, news flash: this isn't news.
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if you want news go to cbs' john dickerson or the "withhe journal." but don't go to some anonymous guy on social media, because a lot of the news on social media is a lie and not just because brian claims he's totally over lisa and is having a great time o his solo trip to iceland. there's so much fake news out there, and it's having such an influence on our lives that today-- and this is true-- pope and if the pope's tking poop, you know we're in deep doo-doo. ( applause ). ( cheers ) and the craziest-- and the craziest fake news of all is something called pizzagate.
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clinton and her foer campaign manager, john podesta, ran a child sex ring at a pizzeria in d.c. this ia lie. we all know the only people who are trapped in a pizza place are those robots at chuck e. cheese. ( laughter ) i've seen "westworld." one day they're going to rise up andill us all. now, according to the folks with the spider eggs hatching in their brains, clinton and smuggling tunnels that connect to the basement of the pizri but police refused to inveigate the basement crime scene on the flimsy excuse that the pizzeria does not have a basement. ( laughter ) that's how deep this goes-- ground level. so where did this conspiracy thry start? apparently some alt-right folks were combing through clinton and published by wikileaks andia
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references to pizza and pizzeriahey than td expected, which can only mean one thing: secret sex ring. ( laughter )lot uninformed, gullible people fell for the clton-podesta sex ring theory, people like trump's pickor national security advisor, michael flynn, who tweeted out a link, writing, "new hillary emails: money laundering, sex crimes with children, etc. must read!" introducing it, "u decide!" okay! then, i decide a guy who spreads this bull-(bleep) shouldn't be in charge of national security. ( cheers and applause ) and here's the thing-- here's the thing. donaldonald trump's transition m has acknowledged that this is disqualifying madness, and
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firing michael flynn's son for tweeting aboutizzaga. phew! we really dodged one of the bullets here. so, pretty weird, but harmless fun, right? wrong, because over the weekend, this happened. >> police y a 28-year-old gunman entered comet ping ng and fired off an assault rifle. the shooter claims he was investigating e so-cled "pizzagate story." >> stephen: thankfully, no one was hurt, but it does raise names a placpia "comet ping pong"? was "asteroid air hockey" already taken? ( laughter ) and this internet make-'em-up doesn't just implicate my te frid. it implicates my favorite me, because according to some folks on reddit, i'm in on pizzagate. because at thend my election night special, i talked about pizza, which they called-- all caps-- "creepy."
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i have absolutely no part in the pizzagate conspiracy... is what they want me to say! ( laughter ) ( applause ) because as these super-sleuths, these da vinci choads have figured out, i'm on the clinton payroll. their evidence: wikileaks is now tweeting an email sent to john podesta three years ago that some reddit folks say "reveals colbert is directly instructed by politicians on what to put on his show (disgusting)." wait a second. why is that "disgusting" hidden in those parentheses? what does it know? did clinton trap it there? i've always said parentheses are the basement of punctuation. ( laughter ) now-- doesn't make sense. it's spook now here's where it gets... good? the email in question is about my interview with bill clinton
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global initiative at washington university in 2013. clinton's press rep wrote to john podesta, "i hope you got a ance to e 'the colbert report's' two speciaepisodes i had them do about c.g.i.-u." now, i am flattered that this guy considered it an achievement that he somehow booked president clinton on my basic cable news parody puppet show. ( laughter ) but because this staffer took credit for getting bill on the show, they think i'm on ar for threcord: she can't afford me. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) but-- but i've got to say, this email blows the lid off of what the illuminati call "talk shows," and no one blows lid quite like host of "info wars," trump
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child, alex p. jones. >> john, i hope you got the chance to see "the colbert report's" two special episodes. so "the colbert report" special episodes-- that was the title of it-- that's what they're doing is, is every major media outlet coordinati, scriptinit. you don't need to know that when obama goes on "jimmy fallon live" and has some scripted piece riffing off of jazz and it's all perfectly done, it's all choreograp a choreographing things. it's disgusting. >> stephen: oh, yeah. oh, yeah, he's right. it's not just me in th conspiracy. it's that show "jimmy fallon live" and their famous segment, "slow jazzing the news riff-off." it's all choreographed. i'm starting to think these shows might be rehearsed. ( laughter ) i'm busted. ( applause ) we're busted! you got me! you got me! the email proves it! i asked bill clinton to come on
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his guy said, "okay. could you do it in st. louis? because he's doing his charity thing, and he wants to talk about it." and we said, "yes." then, we filmed the whole thing, put it on tv, and even put commercials right in the middle of it. oh, my god! we were in it for the money! ( laughter ) it's like these shows are some kind of business! ( laughter ) listen, listen. the scary part is, how high does this go? all the way to our next president, because when donald trump was on thivery show-- and i can't believe you've forced me to admit this-- we talked to donald trump before he came on. and i hold in my hand the actual pre-interview we did with donald trump days before, where we told him what i wanted to talk about, and he told us what he wanted to talk about. then we had him on, talked about
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good time-- ani treated him with respect. yo know who didn't likehat? liberals. you can look it up. it's a funead. now that he's going to be president of the united states this is an actual histocal document it should be in the national arches. and he says some good stuff in here, stufthat i would like to ad to you right now. ( cheers and applause ) but i'm not going to. ( laughter ) because there's an understanding that this is private. between me and a guest there's a tacit agreement. so... >> audience: oooooh! >> stephen: okay. i havenother copy, of course,.
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but i'm not going to read that, either, because here's what these conspiracy theoris don't get: there's a difference between a conspiracy and an agreement. a conspiracy is what villains do. an agreent is what adults do. wouldn't you agree we need some more adults? ( applause ) so wikileaks, alex jones, and the subreddit subgeniuses-- and i mean this in the nicest way possible-- grow the (bleep) up. ( cheers and applause ) we'll be right back with sigourney weaver.
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? ? ? ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thank you, jon. my firstue is a beloved actress knowfor her roles in "alien," "ghostbusters" and "avatar". please welcome sigourney weaver! ? ? ? ( applause ) ? ? ? >> wow. cheers ) >> stephen: hi. it's nice to see you again. >> yes. >> stephen: you are just as lovelys ever.
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>> stephen: and it's particularly nice to have you on know this, b your dople may not evtually-- i mea he essentially invented these show he was the head of nb, and he's the one who put carson on the air. >> well, it started with steve allen. >> stephen: uh-huh. >> and it was the "tonight show" in new york. so he was the first pson to create a talk show lte at night, sort of like a party where anyone could just tune in and be parent of it. you ever go to "the tonight show" when you were a kid? >> not when i was kid. i think the first time i went was when johnny, actually, out in l.a. >> stephen: what was he like? >> i don't kno really. i think he w hard pe to get to know. but i do know he would have loved you, because he actually had a ver silicide, and not that-- ( laughter ) >> sph: well, that's good. i'm good with that. i'm totally good. >> yeah, i think he just -- >> i'm good with this, too. very nice.
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would have loved the whole range of what you do. nice.ephen: that's awfully >> it's true. >> stephen: you're my favorite person right now. >> it's mutual. stephen: we have not spoken since the election. i know that you're-- you're very-- you're a very aware person. you care about our politics, even though you're not a political person yourself. what was election night like you? were you shocked by the results? where were you when you got the results? >> well, really not until ie and i've always wondered what it would be like it to wake up in a parallel universe, which is something i have acted. ( laughter ). >> stephen: sure ( applause ) >> and now i know. >> stephen: sure. >> i didn't have an alien in my chest, but it's been worse. it's been much worse. >> stephen: now, as i says, you're sort of-- you're issue oriented. you care about politics, even though you're not political yourself. i understand you kinds of got up in ronald reagan's face once at
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is this true? >> it's true. well, i-- i think tt's a very aggressive way of putting i ( laughter ) i-- i was invited. i -- >> i'm not saying you crashed the geets. >> no, i didn't. >> stephen: of the white house. >> i had to go with a cadet, an honor guard gr really? >> sort of exciting. >> stephen: that's nice. what year was this? >> 1984, i think. >> stephen: 1984. so after "ghostbusters?" was it? i think before it came out. >> stephen: before it came ou >> and i was in the line to say heo to the president. and when i got up there said, abt protectgomen'sy conrned reproductive rights and being prochoic" and as i fenced the sentence, felt myself being lefted up-- can which is not easy to do-- and just moved away. >> stephen: really. was it nancy?
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>> stephen: she's tough, tough. but fair. firm but fair, noon see, always. >> actually, it was a strange night because it was a dinner for the saudis, and i thought-- i di'tnow why ias invited. so i did all this research on, you know, what crops they grow and things likthat so i could be informed. >> stephen: what crops do saudis grow? >> i know! they do grow a few crops. ( laughter ) and the reason evidence envieted--as saudi prens whoas 11-- actually tmust have been after "ghostsbusters" came out. hemented to sit next to zuel, and that's why i was invite gld really? what do you talk with an 11-year-old saudi prince about, other than crops, obviously. >> after we got through crops -- he didn't speak englis so we
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him. have you kept up with h? >> yes, i'm going over there to inspect their crops. >> stephen: excellent. ( applause ) you're a bit of an environmentalist. ob, we know this from "avata" you believe in protecting the trees. >> right, rig. >> stephen: you proect the trees. >> yes, yes. >> stephen: trump just-- who did he put in >> he just appointed scott pruitt who is the attorney neral for oklahoma to run e.p.a. and scott pruitt has made a career as attorney general in oklahoma suing the e.p.a. on behalf of fossil fuel companies. so, you know, this man who is supposed to be the ainistrator of the e.p.a., will probably start dismantling it. and you know we didn't vote for dirty air and dirty water. we didn't say, "let's ma america dirty again, you know. so i think it's-- ( applause ) it's really a stunning
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movie is called "a monster calls," and it's about a young boy whose mothe is sadly dying of cancer. and he-- and he imagines-- or summons a tree monster to help and comfort him, something like that? >> yes, yes. >> stephen: okay. >> it's neally clear in the beginning. >> stephen: and liam neeson is the voice of the tree as he should be. >> as he should be. ( laughter ). >> stephen: a tree monster with a specific set of skills. ( laughter ) and you play a very sortf hard-nosetbrm, the girl's mother, who is dying. and you have a difficult relationship with the boy at first. we have a clip here. >> oh, okay. >> stephen: of the two of you sharing -- >> not getting along. >> stephen: yeah. >> we're not the most natural fit, are we? >> no. i guess not.
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but we're going to have to lea learn. >> i know. >> you do know, don't you? , of course, i do. but there is one thing we have in common. your mom. th's what we have in common. ( applause ) >> stephen: am i going to make it to this movie? what i have seen of it is absolutely beautiful but i could barely make it it through that clip, can sigourney weaver. >> i think you should bring a box of kleenex with you, obviously. it's a really wonderful movie. and it's not all like that. >> stephen: no, no, no--
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monster. >> stephen: there's a beautiful fantasy landscape made out of the boy's imagination. >> and young louis macdouga is magnificent. >> stephen: that's a great english accent. >thank you. >> stephen: what's your hook. my mother wasnglish. bit couldn't sound like my mother in this, becausy mother went to rada-- she was mr. there with vivian lee, that is london. she sounded very posh. >> stephen: how did your mother sound? to be entertained." dot need >> stephen: that's lovely. >> bidn't want that for-- >> stephen: you know who would love to hear you talk like that? an 11-year-old saudi prince. sigourney, thank you so much for being here. >> thank you. >> stephen: "a monster calls" opens in select cities
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on january 6. sigourney weaver, everybody! we'll be right back with andy cohen. romeo! wherefore art thou romeo. call me but love, hencefth i never will be romeo my love is deep, the more i give to thee. a thousand times goodnight. ? fact. people spend less time lying awake with aches and pains withdvil pm than with tylenol pm. advil pm combines the number oneain reliever with the number one sleep aid. gentle, non-habit forming advil pm.
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( applause ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my next guest is the emmy- and peabody-winning host of "watch what happens live" on bravo. please welcome the lovely andy cohen. ? ? ? ( applause ) >> stephen: hello? >> hello! great to see you. >> stephen: you look absolutely dashing. >> thank you. >> stephen: i love the suit. i lovehe big window pane, and the turtleneck makes you look
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brokaw. nobody rocks a turtleneck like brokaw. >> semitic steve mcqueen is what i was going for. >> stephen: congratulations, you made it marvel clambake to you. look it up. watch the show. you'll like it. what is going on here? is this for and you your family? what are you doing? >> that is moo and my mom and my sister take a at my cousin's bakery in st. louis. >> stephen: a ginger braepped class? >> a gingerbread house-making class. isn't that nice what i made? i was kind of competing against -- >> that's a pretty good gingerbread house. >> everybody else in the class was between the ages of six and eight and me in the class at companion baking in st. louis. and i was ver competite with the other kids.
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the best in-- at the house. >> stephen: it has some measures on the side. one mom said, looked so much better the one my son and i made, nice work. you're competitive and you won. congratulations. >> yes. >> stephen: that's really nice. >> yeah. >> sphen: that's really nice. also, congratulations, new name for the show. >> oh, yes! >> stephen: it's "watch what happens live with andy cohen." >> catchy, right? >> stephen: right. >> yeah, yeah. >> stephen: so we're not confused. >> exactly. wait a minute! >> stephen: any other changes for the show? >> yeah, we're moving studios. we're moving upstairs. right now we're in basically the eclift a tick tack. there's room for me, my guests and we're moving to the sizeave studio apartment in manhattan. we have a performance space. very exciting. january 3 is the big move. >> stephen: that's the move when you go main stream.
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stream, yeah. >> stephen: you have actually made history, i would say. >> yes. >> stephen: with your show by introducing to a lot of people who may not know any of it, yiddish on your show. >> i do speak a fair amount of yiddish on the show. every night on the show at the end i give my matle of the day, which is my kind of shout-out, shortening mazel tov, of course. i do throw in a fair amount of eddie redmayne was on the show a couple of weeks ago and i said what was the deal with the mish gash with anne hathaway. and he goes miiveid gash. and he said i don't understand what you're talking about my cameraman turned to me during the break and said i have learned more yiddish on this show. it was great. >> stephen: well, you always learn something on "watch what happens live." >> always. >> stephen: your goal is to
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book, "new york times" bestseller "superficial. ." "superficial: more adventures from the andy cohen diaries." what is the revelation? i understand you had tow teach john mayer about the significance of diana roz. >> that is true. >> stephen: there is no way john mayer did not know how significant diana ross was. >> it's a diary of two years of a road trip with yawn from l.a. to san francisco, california. >> stephen: how did that happen? was this just for fun? >> we were going to see the grateful dead, actually, their 50th anniversary show. >> stephen: what! >> yeah. >> stephen: really? >> i'm a big deadhead -- >> on mopeds? how did you do this? >> we were in this big-- oh, this earth roamer of john's. >> stephen: what is an earth roamer? >> it's a big-ass car, and
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have ever been in, in my life, basically. yeah, it's awesome. so while we're going there, what happens but marriage equality passes the supreme court. >> stephen: while you're driving? >> while we're driving up there. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: you're in the san francisco for the weekend? >> yeah. i said to john, "dude, marriage equality passed and f.y.i., it's gay pride in san francisco. i'm going out tonight." and he goes, "i'm going with you, just so you know. i want to celebrate with yo" power house because gay bars have very kind of strong names, like power house! chams! man hole! like, you know, they're like strong names. you understand. >> stephen: i'm in, i'm in. yeah, yeah, sure ( laughter ). >> it's everything. it's a celebration, you know. and diana ross, of course, is playing-- as she might in that situation. >> stephen: yeah. >> and i said, you know what this is, right?
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man. what--" and so i had to give him a quick tutorial on the significance of my supreme queen. ( laughter ). >> steph: wow. >> yeah. >> stephen: i might not even understand the full significance at this point. >> i don't think there's time in this segment. >> stephen: okay. i understand that you're thinking about having kids. "a" congrats, mazel baby, mazel. >> thank you, thank you. >> stephen: second of all, why? what is it's notally easy. >> there are moments in the book i'm looking for greater meaning in my life. the book, of course,ings is called "superficial." that's another story. that is one of the dialogues in the book. you know, why not? >> stephen: why not? so you cn teach them making gingerbread houses. just b careful, listen, you're not that much younger than i am, and look how beautiful your skin is. >> thank you. >> stephen: you have some
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the world will nottop this from happening. >>hat! >> stephen: think about it? >> i have the facci to protect. >> stephen: what is facci? >> the face. >> stephen: i thought it was more yiddish. andy lovely toee you. congratulations on the show, and the book "superficial" is now in stores. andy cohen, everybody. we'll be right back, with a performance by pilobolus. ? ? ?
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? ? ? ( applause ) this year at t-mobile, the holidays are on us! switch your family of four to t-mobile, get unlimited everything, and we'll give you $800.
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tablets, and accessories. hurry in to t-mobile and get your holidays on us. hey come quick... my new beer, stella artois, is finished. the people will love it. originally brewed for the holidays. enjoyed ever since. stella artois. host one to remember hey barbie! do you have anything i can borrow for the holiday party? of course! cute! save ten when you spend fifty pparelnd accessories at target.
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liberty mutual stood with me when i was too busy with the kids to get a repair estimate. i just snapped a photo and got an estimate in 24 hours. my insurance company definitely doesn't have that... you can leave worry behind when liberty stands with you?
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exclusive performance for the gentleman, pilobolus! ? ? ?
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? the low rider is a little higher ? slower ? low rider is a real goer
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? low rider ? low rider don't use no gas now
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? take a little trip take a little trip ? take a lttle trip take a little trip with me ( applause ) ? ? ? ( cheers and applause )
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: pilobolus' "shadowland" begins touring nationwide next month!
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>> stephen: well, that's it for "the late show," everybody! tune in tomorrow when my guests will be octavia spencer, john mulaney, and musical guest travis scott. now stick around for james corden and his guests,ily tomlin, and alison sudol. good night! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ? are you ready y'all to have some fun ? feel the love tonight don't you worry out ? where you come from it gonna be all right ? it's the late, late show

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