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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  March 14, 2016 11:35pm-12:36am EDT

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>> stephen: thank you so much! thanks, everybody! how are ya! please! thanks so much, everybody! (cheers and applause) that's awfully nice. welcome to "the late show." i'm stephen colbert. how's everybody doing? (cheers and applause) don't lie to m we're all feeling a little off today. and we know why. >> jon: we know. it's daylight saving time. it's my least favorite holiday. for one thing, the parade is horrible. at least i assume it is. i always miss it because i'm an hour late for everything. it's so unfair. it's the least fair thing in the entire year. americans are working longer hours, and the only break most of us get is a little extra sleep on the weekends.
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about work! then one day a year, the government comes in under cover of darkness and steals a precious hour of sleep from us. the next day, i wake up thinking i'm going to have a nice, relaxing sunday. but then i check my phone, see the real time, and i turn into a crazy person yelling at his phone. "you betrayed me! now i won't feel guilty when i drop you in a toilet." so i'm over it. especially the phrase "spring forward". huh-uh. don't try to make it sound fun. i'm not "leaping" into the future! i'm barely hoisting myself out of bed. and it's dangerous. this is absolutely true. studies have found there's an increase in auto accidents the monday after daylight savings. even our cars are tired. (laughter) my question is -- and i think this is a reasonable question -- why does it have to happen on the weekend? why can't they do it on a
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time to go home." (cheers and applause) hoorah! rah! republican candidates, if you want to stop trump, make that your platform. laugh i mean, it's totally arbitrary anyway. time's just a construct! it used to be 2:00 a.m., now it's 3:00 a.m. we all agree to live by these rules, but where do they even come from? everyone says you have to wear clothes and you can't just go to work in your underwear, except if you're a life guard. (laughter) and we're allowed to eat some animals, but not the kind you keep as pets. and you're never allowed to eat humans. but you also can't keep them as pets! what are you supposed to do with them? also, at this point, i feel like i should tell you i'm on a lot of cold medication. i caught something bad over the weekend. and you know what would have helped? an extra hour of sleep.
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that would have been great! but you know what'll make me feel better? >> jon: what's that? >> stephen: an extra hour of great show tonight. >> jon: uh-huh, yeah! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: first -- magic! (laughter) first, i'll be sitting down with the host of hbo's "last week tonight," our old friend john oliver. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: that's nice. then, i'll be talking with the number one ranked golfer in the world, the defending masters champion, jordan spieth. (cheers and applause) and we'll have music by new order. (cheers and applause) oh, speaking of music -- ( band playing ) that's jon batiste and stay
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say hi, everybody. (cheers and applause) they are about to get us started right, but before they do, one more thing: millions of digiorno pizzas have been recalled after customers found pieces of glass in their food. it's not delivery, it's a lawsuit. >> announcer: tonight... stephen welcomes john oliver! world's number one golfer jordan spieth! and a musical performance by "new order"! featuring jon batiste and "stay human"! and now it's time for "the late
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(cheers and applause) thanks, everybody! all right. nice. whoo! thank you! thank you so much! (audience chanting stephen) >> stephen: i'll take it! i'll take it! thank you very much. i'll take that. i don't always need the chanting yen more but i need the energy because as i mentioned, as you can tell from my deep, deep, sexy voice tonight and my corps' like power, i got real sick this weekend. i'm not sure why i got sick all of a sudden. i try to take care of myself. i don't think it's allergies
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i wonder what happened... (cheers and applause) i'm not going to say who's to blame, but i will say jeff daniels tasted like chicken soup and dayquil. purelle even a little bit, i was thinking about that. (laughter) i've spent the last 48 hours in and out of consciousness. i caught part of some great shows. i watched part of mr. robot. i have foggy recollections of watching kimmy schmidt. my weekend was basically netflix and chills. of course, we all know from when we were kids, the one good thing about being sick is curling up on the couch, maybe with some toast and ginger ale and watching "the price is right," (cheers and applause) asking your mom what "spay and neuter" means. (laughter) "never you mind, it's just something not very nice that maybe your cousin doris should think about."
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i think one of the reasons we like that show is that the theme song is so peppy it made you feel better. you remember the theme song? (humming song) you all engaged in copyright infringement now. (laughter) i have a theory. i bet "the price is right" theme song can make anything better. you can take any footage, no matter how sad or disturbing, and the "price is right" theme will improve it. here, i'll show you. ("price is right" theme playing) >> help me!
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("price is right" theme playing) >> stephen: see! (cheers and applause) that wasn't tragic at all. i'm sure mustafa just crowd-surfed those buffalo. perfectly fine. this is meredith, one of our producers. say hey, everybody. (cheers and applause) when you were a little girl, were you allowed to watch the price is right? >> yeah, i stayed home a lot when i was sick because i was the youngest. >> stephen: absolutely. and the baby is gone, so they want you to stay home when you're the youngest. >> yeah, and i used to watch the price is right all the time, my favorite show ever. i watched it so much, i had a
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barkers' beauties, the models, i thought they were mute. they couldn't talk, they never said anything, so i thought they had a problem. >> stephen: do you think they were hired because they were mute or do you think bob barker had their vocal chords cut? is that what spay and neuter meant to you? >> i thought it was an outreach program, beautiful women -- >> stephen: who can not talk at all. >> -- but who could really show off a refrigerator. >> stephen: did you think of that as a job? >> no. i wanted to be a contestant, but never happened. >> stephen: sorry about that. do you know what would make you feel better? a price is right theme song. jimmy, hit us again with a
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>> ahhh! ("price is right" theme playing) (laughing and coughing) >> stephen: it's like, he didn't die from a creature burstic out of his chest, it's like he won a free alien! kenmore. (laughter) speaking of things that make you feel sick, donald trump. (cheers and applause) up till now, he's been the funny guy with the weird hair, and we've all had our fun poking at the big orange garfield who hates mexicans instead of mondays. but recently, trump's rallies have gotten ugly. first, in north carolina, a trump supporter sucker-punched a
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on friday, there were so many angry protesters at trump's rally in chicago that he canceled it. which is strange. usually a mob of angry people is a trump rally. and on saturday, during trump's rally in dayton, ohio, a protestor tried to rush the stage. he was either trying to disrupt the rally or just saw trump's head from a distance and thought they were giving out free ham. (laughter) the protester has been charged with disorderly conduct and inducing panic -- which means he could be the next republican frontrunner. (applause) but donald trump had his own theory as to who this guy might be, tweeting, "he has ties to isis. should be in jail!" and linked to this video, proving the man's ties to terror.
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terror boxes: isis flag, arabic writing, man dragging u.s. flag, and scary middle eastern music. that's damning evidence. with a beard like that, he's either in isis or mumford and sons. only problem is, the video's fake. someone on youtube doctored the footage of the protester from 2015. but trump had a good explanation. >> there's no ties to isis for this man, no law enforcement official, and this video that you linked to appear to be a hoax. >> what do i know about it? all i know is what's on the internet. (laughter) >> stephen: i want to let this sink in for a second. the likely republican nominee for president of the united states said "all he knows is what's on the internet." trump is america's gullible uncle, just forwarding anything he sees online. obviously, his first state dinner will be honoring that imprisoned nigerian prince! and it won't cost us anything
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send us a check. well, i want to alert donald that there is other scary stuff on the internet, too. like this thing i just found because i made it. that checks all the terrorist boxes too: middle-eastern music, wearing a turban, and he has a lot of facial hair. donald trump, feel free to retweet. my god, that cat is going to give me nightmares. jimmy, make it better! ("price is right" theme playing) (cheers and applause) ah, that's so much better. we'll be right back with john
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american workers brought us back from the crash. now, let's move forward. we need jobs that provide dignity and a bright future. new penalties to stop companies from moving profits and jobs overseas. for businesses that create manufacturing jobs, a new tax credit. and let's invest in clean energy jobs, with 500 million solar panels installed by the end of her first term. we've gotta create new jobs and industries of the future. i'm hillary clinton and i approve this message. ( band playing ) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back. my first guest is the emmy and peabody award-winning host of "last week tonight" on hbo. please welcome john oliver.
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: let me just slather that across there. there you go. >> that definitely works, right? >> stephen: mm-hmm. good evening. you sound great. >> stephen: i feel great. ound great. >> stephen: i feel good, too. up close, you look even er? thank you very much. this is nice. that's a cheap high, all that purelle. that's nice. >> if you're completely honest, how close are we to a weekend of bern situation? (laughter) >> stephen: i'm willing to ask you one question and let you talk for 12 minutes. (laughter) i want to talk to you about the last time you were here in the fall, you said you don't give a damn about donald trump. >> i didn't. >> stephen: you did not give a
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>> we were not in the election year at that point. >> stephen: but we were already still -- >> we were in the process -- let me handle this for you. (laughter) were we in the process, john? yes, we were. we were in the process. >> stephen: we were in the primary process. >> still not at that point, no. >> stephen: well, the primary process, or process as we say on this side of the pond dr. . >> we invented the words, we'll tell you how they're supposed to sound. (laughter) >> stephen: they were still campaigning. >> yes. i didn't care, and i didn't think i had to care. no one thought we were going to be here, but we are. >> stephen: now you care a lot. you did a wonderful 20-minute piece two weeks ago -- (voice cracked) -- with two weeks ago --
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>> yes. >> stephen: tell the people about that. >> here's what we did on our piece if you didn't see it. we were trying to separate the kind of mascot donald trump from the man, so we wanted to -- the trump name is very powerful, what he embodies is powerful. >> stephen: very large on buildings. >> it couldn't be larger while being safe. so we wanted to separate that, to find a division so you could look at him with fresh eyes, and his ancestors were called drumph. >>take a nap. >> stephen: they don't pay me if i take a nap. i'll keep my eyes open. >> they were drumph. >> stephen: why would you change your name from that? >> the german language is so subtle, isn't it. >> stephen: beautiful language, language of poetry, angry poetry. so we made hats and we sold
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>> stephen: now, where does that money go? >> we sold it at a cost which you might imagine hbo found hilarious. what's more funny than not making money on an inexplicable hit? but jay-z's people called hbo asking for a hat. i'll tell you this for starts, buy the hat, jay-z. >> stephen: he wanted one for free? >> he wanted one for free. spring for a hat, let it trickle down. that's how economics works, right? >> stephen: you get these on ebay. >> i said, okay, send him one. they were already running out. i did say, be careful, because if he puts that on his head in public, you're going to need more hats. and if his wife puts it on in public, we are not longer a tv show, we're a hat manufacturing company.
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you had to bring that. >> i haven't seen one. this is the first time i've seen one. you and i putting this on our head -- >> stephen: does nothing. put it on. (laughter) >> i will and watch the sales go down. look. it's over. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: that likely lowers your intelligence. very nice. >> you're telling me kids don't want this? (laughter) >> stephen: could trump happen in england? could he happen -- this kind of candidacy in england -- >> it could happen, it has happened. we've had many kings in the past in british history and you see lots of drumphs wearing gold. there is an equivalent wearing of gold between 18th century kings and current presidential candidates. >> stephen: but donald trump himself is getting 35% of primary voters of the republican
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identify as republican, less than half vote in the primaries, he's getting 35%, so it's, like, 12% of the electorate is voting for him. >> that's an credible meaningful 12%, though. >> stephen: but in the american system, that 12% if he cacaures the nomination gets 50% come november to get you to vote for him. >> yeah. >> stephen: so it's not an impossible idea that he's the next president of the united states. >> i thought we were in a polysci class just now. >> stephen: but that wouldn't happen in a parliamentary system, because he would get 12% there. >> that's why our crazy leaders were kings because your only qualifications is you mad to come out of a queen's vagina. (laughter) the crazy thing is, i don't know if you have to bleep that, but you probably should. >> stephen: we will find out. we'll take a little commercial break now. >> sure, do it. >> stephen: and then if we're
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everything's fine. back with more john oliver, everybody. (cheers and applause) (band playing)
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(cheers and applause) (band playing) >> stephen: hi, everybody. we're back. we're doing hot shots of purelle at "the late show" with stephen colbert. my friend john oliver is here i i want to ask you about the piece you did last night about ierchesaboutiphones and encryption.
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week talking about getting the attorneyattorney general to open the phones. >> i understood it yesterday. there's two things at work, really, this particular f.b.i. case with farook's phone is tangentially connected to inscription and there's a broader case which the f.b.i. cant apple and other tech companies to keep encryption just low enough they can hurdle over it. problem is they won't be the only oneurdling. and if you do not -- if you side with apple in this, you have to allow for the fact that this phone will remain locked and will -- as will others -- and there are terrible things that come with encryption, but also incredibly important things. >> stephen: like what? we owe the internet to encryption. we have been through this before. >> stephen: i kind of assume
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everything i do at this point. don't you? i feel like, ah, they know. how many people think they know? (applause) you see? >> that's how dictatorships work. isn't that right? say it! clap now! (applause) >> stephen: no! i'm not forcing them to. but it's my audience has given up all hope. >> i think the government has to acknowledge the hard truth on their side which is that it is a risk. if apple does this, technically, it is a big risk because it could jeopardize a lot of information. >> stephen: so it's risk against risk, though. >> yes. >> stephen: it's a risk not to know and a risk to know. >> yes.
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question edipus wanted to answer. >> depends on if you wanted to (bleep) your mother or not (laughter) >> stephen: but he know. he would have married his mother and not had to pluck out his eyes. you're writing a tragedy. >> there is not an easy side to be on. each side has to accept and own the tough consequences to being on that side. nothing about this is easy. and isn't that level of nuance satisfying? >> stephen: so you came down on the side of encryption? what are you hiding? that's the question you have to answer. what are you hiding, john oliver. >> now you sound like the stazi. >> stephen: i'm not the stazi. i'm not hiding anything. >> stephen: we'll never know now because you won't let me look at your phone.
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>> stephen: really? no, have it. there's your microphone back. >> stephen: i'm sure that holds up in court. >> code is 4873. >> stephen: that's the code to your phone? >> not anymore it isn't. (applause) >> stephen: you can't say that! >> security is difficult because you make mistakes like reading out your phone's pass code. that's the point. it's hard to keep things secure, in a sense i've won the argument through incompetence. >> stephen: that's true. the amazing thing about your show is you take these deep dives into very difficult subjects people don't generally want to pay attention. >> yes. >> stephen: you look like you're on qvc selling now. >> it's crystal clear sound. >> stephen: what's the next thing you will get me to care
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about. >> i don't know. >> stephen: it's monday. you don't know. >> don't sound like the inside of my panicked conscience! (laughter) we have a couple of ideas, but it is a rollercoaster ride to terror every week. >> stephen: mm-hmm. i call flaming toboggan run. (laughter) you won't give me a hint? give me ideas of what it is. >> i don't know. i don't know what we're going to do. >> stephen: do you not know till you sit down on sunday night? >> welcome to the show, inscription, how am i going to make this funny? (laughter) >> stephen: i look forward to it. thank you for being here. >> been an honor to be on this flaming toboggan with you. >> stephen: i hope you don't get sick. >> well, it's almost inevitable now, isn't it? thanks very much. (laughter) >> stephen: "last week tonight" airs sundays 11:00 p.m. on hbo. the man is john oliver. we'll be right back.
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if you're doing everything right but find it harder and harder to get by, you're not alone. while our people work longer hours for lower wages, almost all new income goes to the top 1%. my plan -- make wall street banks and the ultrarich pay their fair share of taxes, provide living wages for working people, ensure equal pay for women. i'm bernie sanders. i approve this message because together, we can make a political revolution and create an economy and democracy that works for all and not just the powerful few. ( band playing ) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back. my next guest is only 22 years old, but he's currently the number one golfer in the world. please welcome, jordan spieth!
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: hey! please have a seat. wow! >> all right! >> stephen: so that's the real deal. that's the masters jacket. can i touch you? >> certainly. >> stephen: that's nice. that's amazing. >> but you're sick, so... (laughter) >> stephen: do they make that customer for you? is it ready for you when you win? because you won last year. congratulations. >> thank you. what they do is they normally have a members jacket that's of similar size to the champion they give you at the time, and then you can either take that one in and they just replace the member's, or you can get it tailored. >> stephen: they have a rack of different sizes? >> pretty much. i didn't want anyone touching mine so mine's the exact same one i put on as the green. >> stephen: have you had it
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>> no, does it smell? >> stephen: not even any stains. >> your team did a good job back there. >> stephen: good. 2015, year of spieth, you won masters, u.s. open, pga, number one ranked in the world and made $22 million. congratulations (applause) >> thank you. >> stephen: this coming year if you don't make $23 million, you're falling behind. >> is that right? i hope the purses go up, then. >> stephen: congratulations. thank you. yeah, it was a dream come true year. the masters was our breakthrough. in 2014, i was close and fell just short to bubba watson who won second, and this year kind of got revenge there and was able to hold it the whole way through and kind of kept the momentum the rest of the year. >> stephen: anything cool come with the jacket other than the jacket? do you have any duties this year? >> shoot, yeah, i get to come on your show. what an honor.
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>> stephen: i mean, do you have any special ceremonial role at the masters of being the defending champion? >> there's a champions dinner tuesday nights where past champions gather around. so this year i get to pick the menu. you pick the menu and wine. >> stephen: last year's winner gets to pick what you eat this year? >> exactly. so we'll do probably some barbecue. i'm from texas. >> stephen: that makes sense. now the masters starts april 7th, right? >> yes. >> stephen: and starts broadcasting on cbs on april 9th. what's it like down at augusta national? when you look on tv, it just looks so green and perfect, it looks like it was drawn by disney. >> yes. >> stephen: do bambi and thumper come out of the woods? >> it used to be a tree nursery, and it's just a beautiful piece
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i mean, it's almost like you're walking on a video game when you're actually playing the tournament. you never see it anywhere else. it's my favorite place in the world to be to play golf and obviously with some great memories there now. it's even more special. >> stephen: you're going back as the defending champion are. you more likely to repeat at augusta because tits the same place every year and you know the course? do you feel you have an advantage? >> yeah, i feel i would have an advantage over other places. i think it's so unique. each time you play it, you learn something new. you see a new pin position. the whole play is different than the year before. the experience down the stretch, everyone, at least that i've talked to, it's their favorite tournament they ever dream of winning, and, so, the pressure is there. if you've already been there, you can look back -- i will be talking to my caddy saying, like, you know what? we have been here before, maybe these guys haven't been is that
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balls, too. >> i'll be talking to my golf balls. >> stephen: a lot of people like to tell their balls, get up on the green. you have a real conversation with your balls. take a look. >> just be enough. go! be good. be good. go hard! go! sit down, balls. sit down! (applause) >> stephen: yes. now, i assume your balls are watching tonight. is there anything you'd like to say to your balls before the tournament? >> stay hot and stay dry. >> stephen: stay hot and stay dry. >> stay dry. >> stephen: you also support something called -- let me get this right -- drive, chip and putt. what's that?
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few of the governing bodies of golf and allows really any kid from 7 to i think 15 to have a chance to go to one of hundreds of qualifying sites and eventually if you keep on qualifying through just driving the ball, chipping and putting three different sections, you can eventually make it to the finals, and the finals take place this sunday and kickoff masters week. >> stephen: at augusta national. >> kids can play there. 80 participants this year. 40 girls, 40 boys. hit a drive, and go to the 18th green on sunday pin location and the kids get to hit a putt on the green at the same speed as playing the tournament. i was at the inaugural event two years ago and the passion they're showing inspires you. >> stephen: 7 to 15 year 15-year-olds? you're only 22. i wish they had established
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>> stephen: you do much better now. >> yeah. >> stephen: i play a little bit of golf. i'm very bad at golf, but doyen joy it, and the masters, of course, is one of the best weekends of the year because i love the signal that spring is coming and might be able to get there and play this summer but i have a terrible swing. would you give me help with my swing? >> i can certainly try. >> stephen: come on over. all right (applause) who's up first? >> stephen: i don't know. what do you think? there you go. >> all right. >> stephen: shall i show you? yes, you shall show me. >> stephen: okay. why don't i try to hit one and you show me how it's done howflt about that? >> perfect. >> stephen: great. this is the exact driver i use. >> stephen: here we go. oh, boy, where should i stand? >> stephen: i take so long -- (laughter)
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shots my friends back home call me coma colbert. >> that's fantastic. >> stephen: all right. here we go. (breathing... ) oh! (cheers and applause) >> but you had your jacket on. >> stephen: true. maybe i should take mine off, too. here, would you hold this for me? >> stephen: sure. (cheers and applause) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: holy (bleep)! jordan spieth, everybody! (cheers and applause)
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( band playing ) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. folks, i like to be a full service host. i don't do just a great show for you. i also want to be the one to tell you the watch the great show, which is why we made the following ad just for ourselves. watch me, won't you? >> you've reached the age where you know what you want to watch on tv. but sometimes you can't stay upr that long.
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bedtime get in the way of your late night satisfaction? when 11:35 rolls around, will you be ready? millions are switching to the "late show" with stephen colbert and finding they stay up longer, laugh harder and go to sleep satisfied-er. "the late show" is proven to increase entertainment flow when you need it most. ask your doctor if your heart is healthy enough for television. side effects include agitation, bleeding gums, diarrheaia body spasms, cataracts, upper and lower respiratory failure, respiratory failure, clogged bowels, confuse, delirium, faulty ejaculation, ruining of the ears, eyeballs, colonel remarks typhus, distemper,
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palsy, cooper's droop, grocery's itch, lumbago, imp tyingo and scurvy. charley rosacea. whooping couch, bonus spleen, pander mouth, jazz shins, purple burps, brain tube and explosive on leave. if your late show lasts more than one hour you're watching james corden. "late show" with stephen colbert. i stay up long than nature.. intended. ...that's bolder than bo than bold! and if he jumps while eating... ...a butterfinger bar... ...in all its crispety-crunchety, ...peanut-buttery glory... ...that's bolder than bolder than bolder than bold! and if he eats it... honey! ...even when his mother tells him not to... you'll spoil your dinner! ...that's... ...bolder than bolder than bolder than bolder than bold! bolder than bold. crispety, crunchety, peanut-buttery!
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if your family outing is magical for all the wrong reasons. you may be muddling through allergies. try zyrtec for powerful allergy relief. and zyrtec is different than claritin . because it starts working faster on the first day you take it. try zyrtec . muddle no more . american workers brought us back from the crash. now, let's move forward. we need jobs that provide dignity and a bright future. new penalties to stop companies from moving profits and jobs overseas. for businesses that create manufacturing jobs, a new tax credit. and let's invest in clean energy jobs, with 500 million solar panels installed by the end of her first term. we've gotta create new jobs and industries of the future.
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>> stephen: my next guests are here to perform "singularity" from their first new album in over 10 years. please welcome new order!
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>> winter came so soon, like summer never happened we're players on a stage, with roles already scripted working for a wage, and living for today on a giant piece of dirt, spinning in the universe but i can't hear your cry out there and i can't feel you
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one day at a time, inch by inch for every kiss, on lover's lips four lost souls, drink and come home friend's not here, we shed our tears all i want to do, is make the right impression instrument of truth, soldier with no weapons i care so much for you, i'd crawl a thousand miles
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my love in every land i can't hear your cry out there, and i can't feel you everywhere one day at a time, inch by inch for every kiss, on lover's lips four lost souls, who can't come home my friend's not here,
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one day at a time, inch by inch for every kiss, on lover's lips four lost souls, who can't come home their friend's not here, we shed our tears ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: new order's album,
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(che there are two democratic visions for regulating wall street. one says it's okay to take millions from big banks and then tell them what to do. my plan -- break up the big banks, close the tax loopholes, and make them pay their fair share. then we can expand health care to all, and provide universal college education. will they like me? no. will they begin to play by the rules if i'm president? you better believe it.
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american workers brought us back from the crash. now, let's move forward. we need jobs that provide dignity and a bright future. new penalties to stop companies from moving profits and jobs overseas. for businesses that create manufacturing jobs, a new tax credit. and let's invest in clean energy jobs, with 500 million solar panels installed by the end of her first term. we've gotta create new jobs and industries of the future. i'm hillary clinton and i approve this message. >> stephen: that's it for the late show. tune in tomorrow when my guests will be steve martin and edie brickell, shirley maclaine and conducting the l.a. philharmonic, gustavo dudamel. now stick around for james corden. goodnight!
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to have some fun feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout your hang-ups and fears 'bout to set you right it's the late, late show >> reggie: ladies and gentlemen, all the way from the west virgin islands, give it up for your host, the one, the only, james corden. fest (cheering and applause) >> james: nice to see you, hope you had a good weekend. thanks so much! good evening, ladies and gentlemen, thanks for staying up. i know it's extra hard today because yesterday, we sprang

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