tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS December 28, 2016 11:35pm-12:38am EST
captioning sponsored by cbs ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ >> santa's coming! >> santa's coming! >> santa's coming! >> yay! ♪ ♪ >> ho, ho, ho, merry claymation christmas. >> santa's here! yay! >> hello, billy and susie. >> santa, why do you look so bad? >> well, santa didn't realize how much time it took to do stop-motion animation, but he does understand a commitment to cbs for a novelty holiday special.
but i digress. here, i brought you presents. this, uh... ball! >> yay, a ball! >> and this... snake! ( laughter ) >> okay. >> wait a minute, give me that snake back. >> hey! >> ho-ho, check it out. >> it's a christmas miracle! >> it sure is. merry christmas, everyone. and to all a good night. now up the chimney i go! ooooh! that's a tight fit. oops. ( laughter ) merry christmas! >> announcer: it's "the late show with stephen colbert!" tonight, stephen welcomes neil patrick harris and megan mullally. featuring jon batiste and stay human.
and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! hey! hey, jon. good to see you! hey, chris, what's going on? >> stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thanks so much, everybody, please, sit down. thanks very much. welcome to "the late show," folks. i am so happy to be here. i'm your host, stephen colbert. you can tell-- ( cheers and applause ) you can tell, are you excited for the holidays, coming up? ( cheers and applause ) it's very-- i love it. i'm feeling good. i'm feeling good this christmastime. all my christmas shopping is almost started.
i'm ahead. >> jon: almost there, right? >> stephen: i'm ahead. hey, you know who's having a good christmas? donald trump. he got what he wanted for christmas-- america. and he's regifting it to his buddies. he's appointed some more people to his cabinet. yesterday, a guy named stephen miller was appointed to be his senior policy adviser. now, we do not know a lot about him. so far, all we know is, he's a picker, he's a grinner, he's a lover, and he's a sinner. and, some people call him maurice. now, this is the dope on this guy: during the campaign, stephen miller's job was to "warm up crowds before trump took the stage at rallies." "all right, welcome to the rally, everybody. hey, where are you guys from? cool.
we're going to deport you right back there, okay." now-- put the mic over here. now, trump's cabinet really is taking shape, and it's important that it takes shape, because there's this thing called the line of succession, and it involves most of the cabinet. it goes the president, then vice president, speaker of the house, secretary of state, the grimace, i believe. ( laughter ) just kidding, obviously, they're all white. ( laughter ) >> jon: hey, now! >> stephen: it's true, it's true, it's true. grimace is a person of color. now-- purple, purple, but still. >> jon: yeah, yeah, he is. >> stephen: here is the actual chart for the line of succession, which doubles as the chart of haircuts you can get at the senior center. ( laughter ) now, for those of you out there concerned with diversity, don't worry. the secretary of agriculture appears to be a black guy. ( laughter ) ( applause ) don't know who he is. don't know much about him. don't know much about him. but he seems very nice. but he seems very nice.
>> jon: very nice guy. >> stephen: now, yesterday, donald trump was in wisconsin, hiding from his intelligence briefing, and he surprised the crowd when he talked about how he felt on election night, about all the polls that said he would lose. >> i really assumed i lost. you know, look, i believed that these things are supposed to be correct, so i sort of thought i lost, and i was okay with it. >> stephen: yes, i was, too. ( cheers and applause ) i was okay with that. i was okay with that. >> jon: i saw that, i saw that. i was there, too. >> stephen: that idea did not upset me. then trump shared a very personal moment. >> i go and see my wife. i said, "baby, i tell you what. we're not going to win tonight." >> stephen: that is actually my favorite sinatra song. ( laughter ) hit it, jonny! ♪ ♪ ♪ baby we're not gonna win tonight ♪ the crooks on the news were
right ♪ it would'a been a thrill to lock up hill ♪ but, baby we're not going to win tonight ♪ ( cheers and applause ) a little high. a little high. a little high. trump then went on to describe the moment he realized victory was within his tiny grasp. >> you know, with the map-- bing, bing, bing! boy, that map was gettin' red as hell! that map, that map was bleeding red! >> stephen: wow. the fact that he was shocked makes me feel closer to donald trump. because i didn't know this: it turns out he also would have been unprepared to host my election night show. that would have been two of us. a bit of a shocker. point is, we're all still dissecting what happened in this
election. jill stein is demanding recounts; hillary clinton is in the woods re-staging the debates with a dead squirrel. "we'll get them. we're going to win this one." ( laughter ) one thing that may have tipped the balance was wikileaks releasing thousands of clinton emails obtained by russian hackers. and we just found out how they did it. apparently, hackers sent hillary's campaign chairman, john podesta, a fake warning email telling him he had to change his password, and when the clinton folks clicked on it, russian hackers got access to all of his emails. i can't believe a trick this obvious took down the most sophisticated campaign in history. that would be like winning world war ii by luring hitler out of his bunker with a fake lady hitler. ( laughter ) by the way, fake lady hitler? >> jon: what's that? >> stephen: my second favorite sinatra song is fake lady hitler. >> jon: oh, you know that one?
>> stephen: ♪ fake lady hitler you've got some gams ♪ goose-stepping into czechoslovakia ♪ no? no? i don't want to-- i haven't got the gams. ♪ fake lady hitler fake lady hitler ♪ i like your mustache i'm running towards you ♪ i'm gonna dash. >> jon: hey, i like that. >> stephen: it was never released. sinatra never released that one. >> jon: yeah, the deep cut. >> stephen: and it gets even crazier, because this hack would not have happened at all, except for one thing: when a podesta aide tried to verify if the hacker email was real, another staffer replied, "this is a legitimate email," when he had meant to type that it was an "illegitimate email." so that's it, there it is. the entire election hinged on a typo. it really legitimizes our democracy-- i'm sorry, de- legitimizes. that's a typo. i apologize for that. so now--
( applause ) so now-- ( applause ) clapping for the end of democracy! ( cheers ) so now trump is getting ready to move into the white house, and he has announced his first decoration for the oval office-- a letter written to him by president nixon. he is going to mount it on the wall right next to his stuffed head of jeb bush. ( laughter ) now the letter was written-- it's a real letter, it was written in 1987 and it says, "dear donald, i did not see the program, but mrs. nixon told me that you were great on 'the donahue show.' as you can imagine, she is an expert on politics, and she predicts that whenever you decide to run for office, you will be a winner!" what pollster did pat nixon use, nostradamus? ( laughter ) but little-known fact: that was not the only letter nixon sent to trump. and we at "the late show" have obtained, from our contacts deep within the national archives, a trove of hithertofore--
hithertofore, mark you-- hitherto-- unreleased correspondence from president nixon to president trump. these are the nixon-trump letters, volume one. let me get into character here. i'm richard nixon! okay. i'm richard nixon. ( laughter ) a-booga-booga. "dear donald, i wasn't watching the tv, but pat tells me that you were excellent on 'wrestlemania.' ( laughter ) i suspect the whole thing is a fraud. how can the macho man take that many folding chairs to the head? give my best to the hulkster. yours, dick." i'm really deeply into character at this point. >> jon: yeah, i see that. >> stephen: i am not a crook. okay.
"dear donald, i did not see the program, but pat tells me you were wonderful on 'the fresh prince of bel-air.' just like him, on the playground was where i spent most of my days, chillin' out, maxin', relaxin', all cool. i hope when you run for office, you will use this experience to reach out to the afro-americans. please remind them that lincoln was a republican. love, dick." ( laughter ) ( laughter ) this is me being casual. "dear donald, pat and i have followed your campaign closely. how do you keep getting away with this ( bleep )? ( laughter ) i mean-- bllll! blll! i mean, leaked recordings sunk my reputation, and you talk about ( bleep ) and still get elected? you got some balls, buddy. sincerely, richard nixon's ghost."
( cheers and applause ) thanks so much. ( cheers and applause ) we've got a great show for you tonight. neil patrick harris is here. stick around! blll! customer service!d. ma'am. this isn't a computer... wait. you're real? with discover card, you can talk to a real person in the u.s., like me, anytime. wow. this is a recording. really? no, i'm kidding. 100% u.s.-based customer service. here to help, not to sell. fortified.tored. replenished. emerge everyday with emergen-c packed with b vitamins, antioxidants, electrolytes plus more vitamin c than 10 oranges. why not feel this good everyday? emerge and see.
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>> what's up? this is so exciting. >> stephen: welcome! >> well done, well done, everybody! >> stephen: isn't that nice? >> what's up! >> stephen: people leap to their feet for neil patrick harris. >> we love you, neil! >> back at you, man. >> stephen: wait a second! you said you loved me, a half an hour ago. >> ha-ha, ha-ha! >> stephen: they're easy. hey, congratulations! the last time i saw you, you had not yet won your tony, for "hedwig and the angry inch." congratulations. >> thank you very much! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that's a great achievement. >> it was so fun. >> stephen: tony is where it's at, man. anybody can win an emmy, right? i've got, like, nine of them or something, right? who's counting. >> yeah, who's counting. >> stephen: and oscars, you can win that for documentary short subject, and grammy has spoken word. but for tonys, you have to bring it, live. you can't fake the tony, man. >> you can't fake the tony. and it was super fun and very exciting to do, but we actually had a whole chapter-- a theatrical chapter, together. >> stephen: we did! it was brief. it was a one-weekend theatrical chapter, but did--
>> stephen sondheim's "company." >> stephen: "company." >> at lincoln center. and you were so good. >> stephen: you did a beautiful job, and i stood on stage with you. it was fantastic. >> that is so-- absolutely not the truth! >> stephen: it was so the case. there is actually video to prove it! >> that was not true. i was wildly under-- under- prepared, and you were so on your game, you sang great-- >> stephen: we were all unprepared. we never rehearsed, all together-- >> no, i would rehearse the scene-- >> stephen: --until we did the show live in front of an audience. >> no, you're-- you're-- >> stephen: it's true. >> now you're just lying. ( laughter ) >> stephen: it's what i do for a living. ( laughter ) >> i had my script in my hand. i arrived a week later than you guys. you were completely off book. you and martha plimpton had all these scenes together, you had kung-fu bits that you were doing. >> stephen: we did, we did, yeah. >> you sang like an angel. >> stephen: a lot of sondheim is kung-fu. a lot of it. >> is it weird for you to be here in times square, in the middle of it all, and with no ability to do a musical? like, do-- would you-- >> stephen: i have the ability to-- i just did sinatra, my friend. i can do-- i have the ability to do a musical. >> do you miss-- i don't mean skill set! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: i am out of here! >> no, no, no!
no, i'm saying quite the opposite. i'm saying that you have the talent to do a musical, but you have this gig that you're doing, that keeps you here-- >> stephen: it is nice to be on broadway every night. >> if you were to do a musical, what would do you? what would-- >> stephen: "jesus christ, superstar," obviously. ( laughter ) what other musical is there, my friend? "jesus christ"-- do you know "jesus christ, superstar?" >> i've heard of it. ( laughter ) >> stephen: what would you want to do? >> "fake lady hitler." ( laughter ) >> stephen: i am telling you-- >> it's such a great show. ( laughter and applause ) >> stephen: there's an entire score of "fake lady hitler." now, would you want to play hitler, or fake lady hitler? >> oh, fake lady hitler. >> stephen: obviously, that's where it's at. >> i won a tony for "hedwig." >> stephen: exactly! >> how can i not do fake lady hitler? >> stephen: when you've got a tony, can you just walk up anywhere, like any broadway show, and go, "i think you've got tickets for me. yo, 'hamilton' is not sold out tonight-- i've got a tony." >> "i'm sorry, we don't have any tickets tonight." >> stephen: "how about for my friend, anthony? does he have some tickets?" ( laughter ) you're doing well, but, like, even though, like, you're a big star and everything like that, and i know you're probably rolling in it, you might get a hurt on your budget this
christmas because your son, gideon-- >> gideon. >> stephen: obviously, you and your husband, david, have two beautiful children, gideon and harper. >> twins. >> stephen: and gideon has put out a christmas list, and, let's see, this is what it says. it says, "1, bounce house." ( laughter ) "2--" and is this what it says? "life-sized rocket ship." ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) >> that's what he wants. >> stephen: and did this-- did this get mailed to santa? >> not just yet. ( laughter ) that's-- that's what he's after. >> stephen: yeah. you live in the city, right? >> we live in the city! we have-- yeah, a brownstone in the city. i know, that's what i said to him! "where are we supposed to put a life-sized rocket?" >> stephen: but is there a chance the rocket will come true? >> it might not be life-sized. but it will-- our daughter, harper, asked for a pink karaoke machine. >> stephen: that's nice.
>> but pink? ( laughter ) i get the karaoke part, but does it need to be pink? >> stephen: she-- she is fine with, you know, western gender normative choices. >> yeah. >> stephen: and you are not to judge her for that. >> i don't judge the-- >> stephen: do not judge her choices! >> but, her other-- but, stephen-- >> stephen: how she identifies is none of your damn business! >> that's true, that's true. and it's really santa's list. her-- the other thing she asked for was a dollhouse, but a life- sized dollhouse, for her. ( laughter ) and i said-- >> stephen: how big is she? we actually have a photo. we have a photo right here. >> she's 48 inches tall. >> stephen: this is you and david and the kids. >> i said, "harper-- " that was halloween. i said, "harper, a life-sized dollhouse for you is just a house. you want me to get a house for you?" and she said, "yeah." and i said, again i said, "what is it with these giant gifts? where do we put a life-sized dollhouse that's large enough for you or a person?"
and she said, "on the roof. we'll put it up on the roof." >> stephen: with the-- with the bouncy castle. >> with the-- and the-- >> stephen: and the rocket ship. >> so, yeah, it's going to be a late night on the 24th. >> stephen: you and david put out some incredibly adorable photos of you and the kids. this is your halloween photo, right? >> we do a fun halloween picture every year. >> stephen: okay, every year. do you ever feel like you're-- like it's going to become an arm's race? like, every year there's a cuter one. at some point, you're just going to peak out, and the kids are going to go, "dad, you totally failed this year. what is going on?" >> well, what i-- i don't worry about that because i just love halloween and i think it's super fun and a great thing to do. it's a good opportunity to put on some silly costumes, but-- and get scared. i love haunted houses. but, what i think is going to be tough is when they start dictating what the costumes are going to be. because right now, we can say, "we've got this great idea, and here's what we're going to do. old hollywood. see this? you know, it's-- her name is marilyn monroe, and you're going to--" we'll watch a little clip of marilyn monroe, "and that's what you're going to--" and they're kind of okay with it, but in a year or two they're going to just declare it has to be something else, and we're
going to-- that's the arms race. >> stephen: oh, no, but you-- they will, absolutely. by the time they become teenagers, you'll be lucky if they talk to you, of course. >> understood, but here's the thing, stephen-- >> stephen: your costume is, "you two are invisible." and we're going to go have fun. ( laughter ) speaking of which, we've got to go take a little break. don't go no way, we'll be-- >> don't go no way? >> stephen: don't go any way. we'll be right back with more neil patrick harris. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) (my hero zero by lemonheads) zero really can be a hero. get zero down, zero deposit, zero due at signing, and zero first month's payment on select volkswagen models. right now at the volkswagen sign then drive event.
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( band playing ) ( applause ) >> stephen: hey, cheers! cheers. we're having a few. ( cheers and applause ) we're having a-- ( cheers and applause ) we're having a holiday cocktail here right now. >> yum, old fashioned! >> stephen: it's an old fashioned, right there. that's my holiday drink, and every day is a holiday. ( laughter ) congratulations-- cheers to you. congratulations on your new series, "a series of unfortunate events," on netflix. ( cheers and applause ) >> indeed. >> stephen: you play-- do i have
the right thing here? >> i play count olaf. >> stephen: you play your beloved count olaf, and you-- >> he's the dastardly count olaf. >> stephen: and you have some fantastic costumes in this. fantastic costumes. yeah, those are all you. >> yes, so the sailor on the left there is captain sham. and then-- >> stephen: who is this lovely creature right there? >> her name is shirley st. ives. >> stephen: and this guy? >> this is stefano! he talk-a like dis. >> stephen: now, did you-- >> he talk-a like dis, stefan! ( laughter ) >> stephen: which one of these costumes was hardest? was hardest for you? because it's a lot of work. >> sham has a peg leg, you can't see it in that, but i had to wear this weird, this weird-- >> stephen: him, this guy with the patch? he has a peg leg, too? >> so i had to actually walk around with a peg leg and my leg-- kind of up my butt. so that was hard. ( laughter ) shirley had padding, so that was hard. going to the bathroom was tough as shirley. >> stephen: yeah? >> because i had, you know, underwear and then hose and then
padding and then, like, spanx, to cover it all. >> stephen: okay. >> so you had to put all that on, and then when you had to pee, you had to take it all off and try not to get it anywhere. and then you had to get it all back on again. so i tried not to hydrate that month. >> stephen: what about this guy, over here? did you-- is that-- >> stephano? >> stephen: did you actually shave your head for that? >> i shaved my head every day for 22 days to do that. >> stephen: wow! well, we have a clip here of the children meeting their-- >> meeting count olaf for the first time. >> stephen: for the first time. >> yes, this happens january-- friday the 13th of january, all of them on netflix. >> stephen: and they have gone through a series of unfortunate events already, before they-- >> their parents perished in a fire, and they are sent to the closest living relative, which olaf has figured out is him because he lives six blocks away. he's not at all a relative, but he's convinced them that that's the case. >> stephen: jim. >> hello, hello, hello, children.
i am count olaf, a renowned actor, and your new guardian. you're welcome. >> thank you. >> you're welcome. please, come in. and, mind you wipe your feet on the mat so you don't track in any mud. and don't forget your enormous fortune! ( cheers and applause ) >> mua-ha-ha-ha! it's good to be villainous. >> stephen: you are, you're a very good villain, but people obviously, you-- you-- people love neil patrick harris. but you enjoy-- ( cheers ) no, it's true, it's true. i didn't pay them to do that. >> the lovable brand? >> stephen: you are! you are lovable. >> okay. >> stephen: just let them love you. >> all right. ( laughter ) >> stephen: but you like being the villain? >> being a villain is super fun! >> stephen: you like spooky things, you like scary things? >> i've always loved the haunted mansion, and i love the haunted houses and i love things that are darker. and the sense of humor level--
it's very sonnenfield, he's the executive producer, and he's really got a twisted sense of humor. so, it's based on these amazing kids' books and they were darker in theory, so it was fun. and you don't often get a chance to play someone that looks nothing like yourself and just be awful, you know. >> stephen: well, one of the problems with christmas is that it's not-- it's not scary. >> it's not a scary holiday! >> stephen: no, it's not a scary holiday, but-- >> no. >> stephen: but i think you're a good enough actor that you could probably make anything-- spooky? >> scary? >> stephen: or scary. >> including christmas? >> stephen: including christmas. so, if you don't mind, i'd like to-- we've got some lyrics up here to one of the classic christmas carols. and i would like you and i, right now, to try to make a christmas carol terrifying. ( cheers and applause ) >> through song? >> stephen: no, just say it. we could have a little music. we could have a little music. >> all right. >> stephen: jim, could we make it a little spookier, a little bit scarier? oh, little bit more dramatic? ( sleigh bells ringing ) thank you very much, thank you. could you make that a little, a
little spookier? ( sinister keyboard added ) thank you. ( laughter ) dashing through the snow-- >> in a one-horse open slay. >> stephen: o'er the fields we go. >> laughing all the way. ( laughs maniacally) >> stephen: bells on bob tails ring. >> making spirits bright. >> stephen: what fun it is to laugh and sing. >> a slaying song tonight. ( sinister keyboard climax )
( laughing maniacally) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you. oh, my god. >> thanks a lot! >> stephen: you are terrifying! >> i got the shivers. >> stephen: i ( bleep ) my pants. ( laughter ) merry christmas. ( laughter ) "a series of unfortunate events" is on netflix january 13, everybody. neil patrick harris. we'll be right back with megan mullally. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) and clearer skin. this is my body of proof that i can fight psoriatic arthritis with humira. humira works by targeting and helping to block a specific source of inflammation that contributes to both joint and skin symptoms. it's proven to help relieve pain,
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she is a very funny actress, best known for her roles in "will & grace" and "parks and recreation." her new movie is "why him?" >> ooh, hiya, handsome! >> hi, you look great! >> oh, come on. >> no, you do. >> thank you. i'm just getting in the holiday spirit, right? he ate it. >> stephen: please welcome the lovely megan mullally. ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> gorgeous! >> stephen: isn't it pretty? >> i like what you've done with the place. >> stephen: thank you very much. yeah, we dolled it up for the christmastime here. >> yeah, very nice. dolled it up, yeah. ( random whoop ) thank you. >> stephen: how have you been? how is your christmas shaping up so far?
>> oh, so christmasy. we never have time to do anything, we don't have a tree. we're going to take my 95-year- old mother to see "why him?" so that will be fun. >> stephen: oh, that's nice. and see james franco's butt crack, that will be fun. >> yes, she can hear about ( bleep ), so that will be good. >> stephen: well! now, you guys had a-- you guys went to a pretty fun party last night. was it just last night? >> oh, my gosh. >> stephen: was this just last night? >> so, last night, we took the train to d.c., and we went to the white house christmas party. and, we-- ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: this is outside. it's like a portico, or something like that, and this is inside with the big-- with bo. >> yes, this is before meeting president obama, and after. and so, we got to meet president obama, and we had had the-- ( cheers and applause ) we had had the great good fortune to meet mrs. obama once before, so we got to speak to her, also, last night. but we-- i said all day, i was like, "i'm going to cry," and
nick was like, "no, you're not." so, he came up, and he said-- >> stephen: he just came over to you? >> yeah, just me, singled me out of the crowd. strangers in the night. no, i'm not having a love affair with him, no. ( laughter ) he was coming down a line of people and we happened to be the very last people. and, so he shook my hand, and he made a joke, and he was charming and amazing, and then i said, "listen, i-- i really love you. and we don't want you to go." ( cheers and applause ) and-- yeah. ( cheers and applause ) and he gave me a hug, and he said, "we're not going anywhere." ( applause ) oh! and he walked out the door, and, i mean-- i'm not talking about, like, the cute single tear.
i mean, burst into wrenching sobs, doubled over. nick had to get out his handkerchief and sort of block me from view because i was embarrassing myself. but, you know, i mean, that's the greatest president and first lady in any of our lifetimes. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: so far. >> so far, so far. >> stephen: so far. but we are going to get a new president soon, and you already have a working relationship with him. which is fun, because-- >> oh, good. oh, yeah. oh, this is perfect. >> stephen: this is the emmys, right? >> yeah. >> stephen: this is the emmys, 2006. >> yes. >> stephen: there is you with the leader of the free world, doing "green acres." >> yes. ( laughter ) >> stephen: there you are! >> see this photo? otherwise known as "my suicide note." ( laughter ) >> stephen: but you worked with the guy. is there any chance-- is there any chance-- >> because i've heard they can be very tricky to write, so now it just saves me the trouble. i worked with him.
>> stephen: so any chance you're going to get a cabinet position? >> do you have a barf bag back there? >> stephen: i have an old fashioned, if you'd like that. what was he like to work with, like, as a professional? >> oh, dreamy! >> stephen: you know, he's a pro. he's an entertainer. you've got to give him that much. >> you know what i liked, he put on an undershirt and he held a pitchfork. you've got to give him-- no, i'm not! i'm not giving him any points for anything. sorry! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: i've got to say, you've got to give him this! i don't think-- i don't think l.b.j. would have done this. >> but you know what? >> stephen: i don't think taft could have pulled this off. >> here's the real story. so we did the thing-- >> stephen: lincoln could not carry this. >> this was this dumb thing they did on the emmys, it was called "emmy idol" which, it was like when "american idol" was the big thing. so they had people come on and do songs, different theme songs from shows and we did the "green acres" and i did it as the character of karen from "will & grace." okay, hilarious, with donald trump. so it's all a big joke, right? so he really wanted to win it because people were calling in to vote.
>> stephen: wait, no wait, what? >> he wanted to win it. >> stephen: wait, people were literally calling in to the emmys who see who would win? >> calling in live, yes. so, we won it. all right, so the next day, i-- >> stephen: you're going to win and win and win until you're tired of winning. ( laughter ) >> so the next day-- no, wait. here's the capper. so, yeah. so the next day, he-- i'm a lady-- he-- i was in my "will & grace" dressing room and the phone rang and it was donald trump. and he said, "you know, what? we really needed to win that thing, and we did." ( laughter ) "and you were a big part of that, so i just wanted to say that, we really needed to win it, and not only did we win it, but i hear we killed them. it was a landslide." ( laughter ) >> stephen: congratulations, congratulations. >> so, we did it. >> stephen: wow. he's still looking for a secretary of agriculture. ( laughter ) >> so, if he felt that way
about-- i have that pitchfork. i have that pitchfork. listen, check this out-- if he felt that way about "emmy idol," how do you think he felt about the presidential election? >> stephen: wow, he probably had to take a cold shower afterwards. ( laughter ) well, we've got to take a little break. we'll be right back with more megan mullally, guys. ♪ ♪ ( applause ) taking a holiday in britain, are ya doll? well, the only place you need go... london's got the best of everything. cornwall's got the best of everything. sport sport nightlife nightlife (both) fashion adventure i'm tellin' ya, britain is the only place you really need go. expedia. everything you need to travel britain better.
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( band playing ) ( applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! we're here with the lovely and talented megan mullally. now, megan, you and bryan cranston, in "why him?," the new film, and you play the parents of the daughter who ends up dating and gets engaged to-- >> james franco. >> stephen: who is a, what, in this? he's a billionaire? >> he's a-- he's like a gaming billionaire, a silicon valley gaming billionaire, and he's very inappropriate, and all bets are off. and his first costume, the first day we were shooting, was just a pair of pants with a little "b" crack and some ( bleep ). >> stephen: i'm sure we're allowed to say ( bleep ) on cbs. >> that's really funny. >> stephen: the holidays are coming up, as we were talking before. do you, like, are you a holiday cooker, or anything like that? >> no! >> stephen: no? >> no. >> stephen: do you not cook? does nick-- >> no! i like eating!
yeah. >> stephen: oh, me, too. >> i really do. it keeps me alive. >> stephen: well, we-- i'm really-- i'm kind of obsessed with this one show on food network called "chopped." >> everybody loves it. >> stephen: heard about this? "chopped" is great. >> heard about it, never seen it. >> stephen: "chopped" is like a couple of ingredients and then those few ingredients, usually kind of weird, and they have to make a meal out of just those ingredients. and, and-- ( laughter ) we, every so often on this show, we do our shorter version-- we can't do a whole show here, during the show. >> yes, naturally. >> stephen: we do a shorter version of it called "smooshed." okay? >> yeah. >> stephen: which, we don't have time to chop. we can only smoosh. >> i see where this is going. >> stephen: would you be interested in competing on tonight's episode of "smooshed?" >> i guess i would. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: jim? ♪ ♪ welcome to "smooshed: holiday edition." >> it's an apron! >> stephen: of course, megan, you can't compete against yourself. you have to compete against a true champion. >> what?
>> stephen: so please welcome a fierce competitor, your husband, nick offerman. >> what! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: nick, thank you so much. please, ladies and gentlemen. ( cheers and applause ) >> shake it out. shake it out. >> stephen: ladies and gentlemen, here we go. here are the rules: you will be given your own basket of mystery ingredients, and you must use every ingredient in the basket in the basket in some way. also available to you is our pantry. it is stocked with every ingredient i could grab from the supermarket holiday aisle before they threw me out. ( laughter ) also... there is a bottle of bourbon. >> oh, good. >> stephen: the winner, the winner of "smooshed" will receive a donation to the charity of his or her choice,
courtesy of-- and where's my ice cream-- of stephen colbert's americone dream fund. ( cheers and applause ) there you go, all right. all right. americone dream: i give all the money to charity, so buy it, or you hate the children. ( laughter ) all right, megan, you are competing for the southern poverty law center. >> yes. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: okay, and, nick, am i correct in this? you are competing for the americans civil liberties union. ( cheers and applause ) all right? tonight, remember, whoever is victorious, civil rights will win tonight, but civil rights will also lose. so, smooshers, let's take a look at your mystery ingredients. tonight-- >> oh, god. >> stephen: the ingredients are: honey baked ham-- at least i hope it's honey baked, because otherwise it shouldn't be that sticky.
next, a fruitcake. very few people like fruitcake, but remember: you're also allowed to use whatever ingredients you can dig out of the cake. and finally, a ramekin of chocolate gelt. there should be more of those, but the dreidls were loaded. all right, i will be your sole judge tonight. you will be graded on presentation, transformation of the ingredients, and whether i am willing to put your dish in my mouth. if your dish does not make the cut, you will be smooshed. jim? are you ready, competitors? >> yes. >> stephen: are you ready? >> ready. >> stephen: jim, put 60 seconds on the clock, and begin. megan, what's your plan? what are you working on? ( cheers and applause ) >> i'm working on a piece of ham-- ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: do you have a plan in mind, megan? >> not really. >> stephen: not at all, no plan at all. >> it's going to be delicious, though. >> stephen: nick, what is your plan today? >> i'm going to use that bourbon to fuel my creativity. >> stephen: 40 seconds. that is officially-- that is
reindeer jerky, by the way. that is reindeer jerky. ( laughter ) ( applause ) all right. ( laughter ) any cultural influences, nick? any cultural influences from your home country? >> this is my family christmas dish. it's called the devil's mess. >> stephen: all right, megan, how's it going over here, megan? are you feeling the pressure? you have 12 seconds left on the clock. >> i'm feeling like-- i'm feeling the burn. i'm feeling the winning spirit. >> stephen: let's count it down! it is five, four, three, two, one. ( buzzer ) freeze! chefs, please finish. ( cheers and applause ) please finish. >> what did you do? bourbon and-- ( laughs ) >> stephen: we have come to the end of our competition. >> you have bourbon and-- >> stephen: now it is time for you to be judged. megan, please present your dish. can we get a shot of the dish? it's absolutely beautiful. it's absolutely beautiful. >> thank you.
a lot of my dish is about the presentation. >> stephen: can we get a shot of this? and megan, what is it we're looking at today? >> this is something that will fit in your mouth. this is something-- this is something edible, that you can eat. >> stephen: what is it called? >> it is called... the thing you will eat. ( laughter ) >> stephen: all right, i'm sure it sounds better in french. and did we-- did we remember to put a fork out here? and we did not. i will eat it with a knife. >> i have a fork here. >> stephen: thank you very much, nick. extra points right there. >> oh, no! >> stephen: and what is in here? >> okay, we have some ham. we have some of this cranberry cake. we have some crumbled ginger cookies. we have some eggnog puree. and we have a little popcorn. popcorn is corn, you know. so that's what we have. >> stephen: mmm. mmmm. that is surprisingly... salty. ( laughter ) for something with that much eggnog. all right, thank you very much. that puts you on the naughty list. ( laughter ) now, nick, what have we got?
it's a very close competition. what are you presenting? what do we call this? >> i present the minuka devil's mess. i start with a shot of bourbon. you can use a utensil. ( applause ) >> is that a palette cleanse? >> you want to get one of the devil horns, there you go. >> stephen: oh, the venison is the devil horn. i'll get a little fruitcake, a little venison... mmm. mmm! mmm. you go to hell. ( laughter ) thank you so much. ( applause ) that is truly awful. thank you, nick. ( laughter ) that is a truly awful combination. well, chefs, thank you so much for competing. >> thank you. >> stephen: i am-- i am-- megan, nick, my judgment is final. >> oh, god.
>> stephen: megan? i'm sorry, you have been smooshed. >> oh! cruel! >> stephen: it was-- it was too wet. ( laughter ) >> that's what they all say. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: merry christmas, everybody! check out megan in "why him?" opening december 23 and also on stage with nick offerman in "summer of 69: no apostrophe," january 14 in irvine, california. megan mullally and nick offerman everyone! beautiful. ( band playing )
>> stephen: hey, that's it for "the late show!" good night! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ are you ready all to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight ♪ don't you worry where it going to come from. ♪ you're going to be all right. ♪ it's the "late, late show." >> reggie: ladies and gentlemen, all the way from oshkosh, give it up for your