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tv   The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon  NBC  February 9, 2016 11:34pm-12:37am PST

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[ applause ] [ music ] haven't done that what else do you want to talk about tonight?
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happening political, uh-- presidential campaign? >> we can go, uh, start with politics-- >> sure. whatever you want. >> and we'll go segue to my girlfriend. [ laughter ] >> so, uh, again? california has-- i thought some of the presidential candidates, you know, are-- are bad. well, h. ross perot. maybe. but then, what's he hiding? he won't even tell us his first name. >> uh-huh. [ laughter ] >> okay. number-- >> you know, he got rid of the h too, by the way. >> he did. >> it's just ross perot now. >> there's something there. >> yeah. [ laughter ] well now-- so, umm, uh, this is when-- this is the worst, though. when i thought it could get no worse. in california, sonny bono is running for a senate seat. this is when you know you live in california. when you open the paper and see sonny bono is running-- i am leaning towards voting for the captain of captain and tenille, 'cause--
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>> you know. at least-- >> he's the mayor of palm springs. >> well, at least the captain evidently has some military experience. >> that's true. i never thought of that. good point. >> i would, uh-- the only reason that i would not run for president is i, uh, really have this fear that no woman would come forward to say she had sex with me. [ laughter ] >> that is my fear and i would be looking into one of those cnn cameras doing an interview and, "come on, susie. you know you did it with me." [ laughter ] >> say something. uh, so my, uh, girlfriend-- >> how is she? now is this the same-- i don't wanna get too personal here. is this the same young lady? >> you always say, "i don't wanna get too personal" right before you ask me about my girlfriend. >> well, you brought it-- you brought your-- >> so what you mean is "i'd like to get personal." >> yes. you brought your girlfriend up. is this the same young lady-- >> she-- she-- >> that you were with when i saw you before? >> yes. >> okay. >> it's the same young lady whom is-- who-- i came home-- i work out and i go to see--
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i do. well, thank you for giggling at working out. [ laughter ] >> so, uh, i go to gold's gym 'cause it's a jewish gym. [ laughter ] >> and i'm there, and i'm, uh-- you know, people think i don't work-- i got one of those nordictracks and, uh, i hit a tree. [ laughter ] >> it doesn't say that you're not supposed to take it outdoors. and the ski mask went over my head there. and it should say, "do not take the equipment outside." >> sure. i see. >> so, uh, and i run. i went to the hollywood footlocker and got some nike cross dressers. [ laughter ] >> nike cross dressers? >> nike cross dressers. i was halfway around the track and heels popped out and i thought, "this is, uh--" you know. and i stumbled there and, uh, really ripped my nylons. >> sure you did. [ laughter ] >> so now-- so-so i go to the gym and, you know, i'm all pumped up. because-- what does the bar weigh?
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[ laughter ] >> so now-- so now-- so i'm at the gym. and, you know, i work out all parts of my body except my rear end, which there is this fascination in our culture now that not only do you have to-- your rear end has to look great. people go, "oh, hey, look at that rear end. look at her rear end. look at his rear end." and i never think of it, 'cause i never see my rear end. unless, you know, something's gone horribly wrong. [ laughter ] >> so-- so there i am. everyone goes, "oh, that's got a-- that's a-- look at that rear end." you know? i mean, come on. it's a safety device. it keeps us from falling in the toilet. [ laughter ] >> don't make it that it's got to turn you on as well. so now-- you know what i'm saying? >> i'm trying to, yeah. [ laughter ] >> i haven't lost you, have i? >> no, no, no. i'm with you. >> so now, uh-- so i go, uh, to-- i'm all pumped up. >> right. >> and i come home. this is absolutely a fact. and, uh, you know, i'm funny at home.
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[ laughter ] >> and, uh, so, uh, i come home. i'm all pumped up. and i take my shirt off and my girlfriend's cooking there at the stove, you know. and i have my shirt off. i go, "honey!" you know, and one of those. >> flex a little. >> you know. so help me, she looks at me. she yelled, "we're getting old!" and started to cry. [ laughter ] >> so help me. and she runs out of the room, throws herself on the couch, crying like, uh, you know, patty duke there. and now she says to me-- i said to her, you know, "i think that's unfair. i think that, uh, you are projecting how you feel about yourself onto me. she said, "maybe you can live in denial." and she said, "you're turning into elvis." and, uh-- well, and then i realize, in fact, i lay on the couch almost the whole day and just
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we're the elvis generation. we're all gonna end up fat and wearing capes. [ laughter ] >> so i saw gilligan-- bob denver-- doing a commercial here in l.a. for a boat shop. the same gilligan-- i never felt old until i saw this. it really upset me. he was-- 'cause it was gilligan sort of. [ laughter ] >> and he was still wearing the same red sweater and sailor hat. and i thought, "well, you know, at least he's off the island." you know? [ applause ] >> oh, i have one, umm-- so it's up to you. >> yeah. >> so, uh-- >> yes. >> so-- but thank god i'm in a-- in a-- in a relationship, because now you can't have casual sex, which i never believed in anyway. i always tried as hard
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[ laughter ] >> and on that-- on that scientific note,
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[ applause ] [ music ] [ applause ] >> even if you, uh-- even if you are not a boxing fan, you probably know my next guest. he was the heavyweight champion from 1973 and '74. retired from boxing for ten years. made a valiant comeback at the age of 40. would you welcome mr. george foreman. [ music ] [ applause ] >> welcome back. >> good to see you again, george. i hear you, uh, had a great fight. >> oh, man. you should have seen me. i was down to about 230. on me. i was shifting. everybody was happy for me. looked beautiful after the fight-- before and after. >> sure.
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we have here a picture that somebody-- somebody gave to me. that's "national enquirer" stuff. don't do that. [ laughter ] >> apparently-- apparently a picture of you taken after the fight. you look a bit like apollo creed after rocky balboa. now, come on. >> i'm telling you. that was "national enquirer." they came in and got my eyes and put this face in front of it. >> give me a break. [ laughs ] >> give me a break. give me a break. you were gonna be here >> uh-huh. >> and, uh, it was a good fight. you won the fight. >> i sure did. >> but this guy laid a few gloves on you, didn't he? >> boy. >> alex stewart. that's his name? >> i'm telling ya. i got home and my wife said, "listen, you can get out of boxing anytime you want. i'm not gonna tell you when." >> yeah. >> i said, "baby, it was about the eleven-- the eighth round in the last fight. that's when i wanted out." >> yeah. [ laughter ] >> you weighed in at what this fight? how much? >> uh, about 259. two hundred and fifty nine. >> and you're not telling me
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over forty? right? you're-- you're-- come on, george. >> thirty-- thirty-nine. >> all- right. how old are you? you're over forty. how old is alex stewart? >> he's about 28. twenty-seven or something. >> now come on. that's-- that's when they say, if i'm correct, a fighter is in his prime. twenty-seven, twenty-eight years old. right? that's when you're supposed to be the strongest. so in the eighth round. >> boy, my friend hulk hogan was standing out in the audience. >> yeah. >> and i looked over-- what? about the ninth round. and i said, "man, i wish this was a tag-team match." [ laughter ] >> now obviously you took some pretty good shots here. did he-- now, when they say, "did he hurt ya?" obviously they have to hurt. but what does hurt mean in professional boxing? >> well, it's strange. you got two kind of fighters like baseball pitchers. some guys like gerry cooney, they hit you so hard it doesn't hurt. your knees just go out. [ laughter ] >> and afterwards your face feel okay. but this guy had a strange rock. like [ yelps ]. and you go back to the corner
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bothers you. >> your legs are okay. >> your legs are okay, but it hurts. you go back and you wanna say, "man, i don't need to be in this business." [ laughter ] >> well, did you think he was gonna be that tough? >> uh, no idea. >> no idea, huh? >> i knocked him down once. >> right. >> i said, "that's the end of him." he got up. >> yeah. >> i knocked him down again. i said, "i know that's the end of him." >> he got-- i'm thinking, "if someone will show me exit, i will get out of here." [ laughter ] >> does all that go through your mind at the time? >> oh, all of it and more. >> yeah. now when i say you were hurt, physically you were just kind of puffed up? uh-- >> yeah, just puffed up. i didn't get a scar or cut. >> no, you look-- you look great. but it takes a while for that, uh-- [ cheering ] >> no, you, uh-- didn't he, uh-- one point-- who had the bloody nose? didn't you? or was it you or him? >> you know, it's strange. 'cause-- >> you got the bloody nose. >> i'm in the fight. >> yeah. >> and it's about the eighth round again. that's when all the stuff started happening.
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my nose, and i'm thinking, "alex stewart-- i don't want him to think i'm nasty, so i'm not gonna wipe it. i'm gonna act like he doesn't notice that there's some mucus." >> sure. >> and i said, "if i do wipe it, the home camera-- the hbo crowd-- they gonna say, "george is nasty."" so i'm thinking my nose is running. >> sure. >> then i felt a bubble. then i said, "boy, this is terrible. i can't wait to get to my corner and wipe my nose. >> and it was blood. >> it was blood. if i had known that, i would have fainted. [ laughter ] >> i had no idea. [ applause ] >> wait a-- wait a minute. this is what you guys-- wait a minute. this is what you guys do for a living. the idea of boxing is to go in and knock the other guy there bleeding. nobody's unconscious. [ laughter ] >> does the sight of blood bother you? >> it does. i mean, i would have fainted. the greatest cornerman >> yeah. >> he came back to the corner and wiped my nose a runny nose. and i didn't say it. the end of that.
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think i'm nasty." >> now what happens-- well, what happens if steward would have blood on him? >> you know, i'm-- >> would that still bother ya? >> i'm so bothered by that. sometimes when i hit a guy and he bleeds, i'll switch to the other side. >> oh, come on! >> i can't take it. >> now don't they say when you injure a guy, you go right back and-- >> yeah. some fighters go for it. but i'm like saying, "man, clean it up." [ laughter ] >> clean it up. >> okay. we're gonna come back and
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[ applause ] [ music ] [ applause ] >> no bleeding. no bleeding, george. all right. >> i'm kind of upset you wasted those pies, though. [ laughing ] >> i would have liked to >> would you like to throw one of those? >> eat one? [ laughter ] >> uh, i understand your kids had some nicknames for you after the fight. they looked at me and stared for hours. >> yeah, i can imagine. >> then, finally, one came up and said, "teenage ninja turtle." >> then the other one said, "no.
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'the wizard of oz.'" then one said, "no, no. daddy-- you the moon." >> yeah. [ laughter ] >> but they must have sympathized with ya? >> not at all. >> not really? >> they joked me to a fare thee well. >> really? now the last time you were here, if i remember, you said right on this show-- i said, "how long you gonna continue fighting?" i think you said, correct me if i'm wrong-- i think you said to your wife you were gonna retire from professional boxing in may. that's this month. >> you're fighting jimmy stewart, aren't you? [ laughter ] >> you know, after the fight, i came back-- you know, i felt good. the guy didn't hit my stomach, so i'm eating and having a lot of fun. >> right. >> he hit me on my face. so i looked at my wife and i said, "well, give me a kiss." she said, "do i look that desperate to you?" [ laughter ] >> really? but didn't you make her a promise about hanging it up? >> yeah. and that's it. i'm through. >> now come on. there are rumors going around that you want to fight the winner of the holyfield-larry holmes fight. is that right? >> and that'll be it.
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>> that'll be it. >> but that's not gonna be in may, is it? >> yeah, what happens is-- there were some problems with the tyson delay and all of that, and that pushed it another month. >> i see. >> but, believe me, one more title shot. i'll get that and, uh-- i'll get that. >> yeah. okay. so it probably won't be in may. who would you rather fight? holyfield or larry holmes? >> oh, i think larry holmes and george foreman is a natural. i call it the battle of ben-gay. [ laughter ] >> you would smell liniment for miles. [ laughter ] >> yeah. you two guys are-- >> he's a year younger than me. >> who was the oldest fighter before? was that archie moore? >> archie moore fought-- >> he was still fighting-- >> well into his 50s. yeah. >> yeah. that's incredible. >> he was my trainer. he taught me everything i know. he didn't teach me how to fix those sore faces, though. >> yeah. i've seen your commercial with, uh-- how many of your youngsters are in there? >> yeah, four boys. >> four boys. and they're george-- their names again are--? >> uh, george foreman. >> george foreman. >> junior, george foreman three, george foreman four, george foreman five.
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>> i figure it's a nice name. why not spread it? >> and the girls? >> uh, i got a daughter who is freeda george, georgetta, and i have a couple normal named like natalie and michi and leola, who's the youngest. >> yeah. yeah. what do you call the georges? what do you say? number three? number two? or what? how do you-- how do they know who you're talking-- >> i tell them, "you better go and get something to eat. i'm going to the table." they come. they know that daddy don't leave much to eat. >> yeah. a lot of people say you eat too much before a fight. it doesn't seem to bother ya. >> yeah. i don't know why. >> what'd you have for breakfast this morning? what'd you have for breakfast? >> oh, man. i had a buffet. there was sausages and there were eggs and there were omelettes. bacon. and a croissant. and orange juice and cranberry. >> that was breakfast? >> and that was-- uh-huh. yeah. and it went on and on and on until i took a nap before your show. [ laughter ] >> now you'll go out and you'll have dinner tonight? >> oh, you better believe it. >> what will dinner consist of tonight? >> well, there's one great restaurant here
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[ laughter ] >> you love 'em, don't ya? >> i love 'em. i really do. >> you love-- >> i can't see a guy trying to be a fighter and not love hamburgers. it just doesn't fit in. >> now i hear rumors also that you-- you might-- might do some acting? >> oh, yeah. i'm gonna start a television sitcom. tony danza and me. he's gonna direct, and i'm gonna star and i'm gonna be out there playing like i'm crying and laughing and all that. >> have you ever had any acting experience at all? >> in the ring. [ laughter ] >> you should have been a professional wrestler. you'd have had a lot of acting experience, right? >> alex stewart hits me in the eye. boom! and i'm saying, "that didn't hurt." [ laughter ] >> that's acting. >> i'm saying, "i can't see you, but it didn't hurt." [ laughter ] >> anyway, i thank you for coming. i'm gonna miss having you on the show. you're-- you're fun to talk with. you're a grand gentleman. and you're a lot of fun. >> thank you.
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[ applause ] [ music ] >> okay. well, we're just about ready to wrap it up for the night.
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be on next week. some of the people. clint eastwood, bob hope, bob newhart, david letterman, michael keaton, martin short, george carlin, teri garr, leigh willman, magic johnson, gloria estefan, and lyle lovett. good to see you. >> thank you. >> i wish you good luck however that-- if you're gonna fight sometime in the fall, i wish you the best of luck. >> thank you so much. >> and gar-- >> good luck, george! >> good luck on your show. >> i love you, johnny. i'll miss ya. >> thank you, garry, for comin'. >> thanks a lot. for everything. >> your show goes on-- >> come on! come on! [ laughter ] >> hey, he just told you, he doesn't like the sight of blood. don't-- don't-- don't start this. anyway, thank you both for coming tonight. we'll see you next week. have a nice weekend. goodnight. [ music ]
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>> i'm humbled by that applause. come and knock on our door come and knock on our door we've been waitin' for you we've been waitin' for you where the kisses are hers and hers and his three's company, too come and dance on our floor come and dance on our floor take a step that is new take a step that is new we've a lovable space that needs your face three's company, too you'll see that life is a ball again laughter is callin' for you down at our rendezvous down at our rendezvous
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you can't take those undershorts, stanley. they're torn. it's not going to be formal, helen. look, i can't help
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but you're not leaving here with a hole in your shorts. you're still mad at me 'cause i'm taking this trip, huh? mad? just because you prefer to spend your night looking at some godforsaken piece of desert instead of at me? desert? you call this property a desert? look at this. look. see the hotel? see the swimming pool? see the tennis courts? where? right there where it says "artist conception." it's a long way between conception and birth, you know. why do you have to bring sex into everything? if i don't, who will? well, it looks like nothing now but that's why you can get it so cheap. you see, that's the trick. you buy low and you wait for it to go up. and suppose it doesn't?
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you're afraid to take a risk. you don't have any guts. i married you, didn't i? i just want to go up there to make some money for us. oh, come on, stanley, i know you. you want to go up there for the free plane ride and the free entertainment. my toothbrush. they'll take you for everything you've got. helen, i'm in the bathroom. oh. oh, sorry, stanley. i only meant... well, you're such a pushover for a sales pitch. helen, don't worry. i'm not going to lay out a penny until i'm convinced it's a sure thing. i'm nobody's fool. oh, yes, you are. you're mine. all mine. well, i got a couple of hours till the plane leaves.
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does, uh, this give you any ideas? yeah. i forgot my aspirin. good morning. hi. uh, excuse me, i'd like to ask a question but i don't know which end to talk to. what is it, jack? ah, there you are. what is this supposed to do for you? oh, well, it eases the mind it soothes the spirit and it firms up the body. yeah, well, don't get too firm. i like to see a jiggle now and then. these exercises wouldn't do you any harm. oh, this stuff's not for me. when i want exercise see, i go down to the gym. i lift some weights, punch the bag do a couple of miles around the track-- real exercise. this is kid's stuff. kid's stuff, huh? i'd like to see you try it. oh, this is going to be easy.
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let's start out with a simple posture, the lotus. "the lotus"? yeah. take one of your feets... yeah? lift it up with the bottom towards the ceiling and gently place it in this position. it's easy. okay, now take the other one and do the same thing... gently. hey, that's pretty good. thank you. see, i told you it was easy. it's really great. i didn't think he could do it. uh, when does it stop? when does what stop? the pain.
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well, that's next week's lesson. no, janet! come here. hey. it was easy, huh? i said it was easy getting into it not getting out of it. all right. all right. i'll help you. ( phone rings ) oh, wait a minute, got to get the phone. hello? oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. hey, it's for you. shall i say you're all tied up? give me the phone. ( groans ) hello? oh, it's you, linda. how are you, baby? huh? how come i sound so passionate this early in the morning? oh, uh, well, i guess it's 'cause i'm talking to you. i can't help myself. uh, listen, linda, real fast you want to do something tomorrow night? oh, terrific. look, uh, i got to run now, okay?
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here. okay. help me out of this. would you please help me out of this? all right. all right. ( groans ) easy. ( squeals ) you want to make a wish? no! ( doorbell rings ) oh, good morning, chrissy. hi. come on in. i hope i'm not interrupting anything. oh, no. we're just exercising. oh. did you lose something, jack? yeah, my circulation. what's new, mrs. roper? oh, stanley's leaving me. oh, no. what? hold the congratulations. he'll only be gone overnight-- a business trip. oh. oh. so, tonight i'll be free as a bird.
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be able to do anything i please. ah, that's nice. what do you plan to do? i plan to be terrified. what? oh, janet, i hate being alone. it scares me to death. i jump at every little noise. oh, gee, well, why don't you get somebody to stay overnight with you? well, i wouldn't want to impose. that is no imposition. a real friend would be glad to. oh, thank you, janet! i accept. what? you're a real friend. oh, but mrs. roper... oh, i'm so excited. just imagine-- tonight i'll have someone to talk to. that was very nice of you, janet to volunteer like that. but don't worry about us. we'll think of something to do. i'll bet you will. what do you mean, "i'll bet you will"? i know what she means. i know what was going through your wicked little mind. you think that the moment you're gone i'm going to grab chrissy like this
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and smother her with kisses and pick her up in amy arms and throw her on the couch and then who knows what? what? is that the kind of guy you think i am? yes. well, i'm not going to stand here and be insulted. i'm leaving. oh, yeah? where you going? well, i got to do some fast shopping for a very special dinner for two. uh, chrissy, maybe i shouldn't stay with mrs. roper tonight. now i'm insulted. oh, no, don't get me wrong. hey, i have been alone with jack before. well, never all night. do you think i need a chaperone? is that what you think? oh, no, no, no. i'm just saying don't do anything to give him the wrong ideas. or the right ideas, or any ideas. like what? well, like, walking around the apartment in your little teeny, shorty night gown. or-or getting too close to him.
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don't be yourself. chrissy? how about a little wine and cheese before dinner? chrissy... i know. i look icky, don't i? no, you look wonderful. i do? yeah. natural and real. it's such a refreshing change. it is? and those curlers-- oh, chrissy. reminds me of my first girlfriend. i was crazy about her. you were? oh, yeah. every time i came to her house she had these curlers in her hair. it really turned me on. they did? you know something, chrissy i love it when you're not afraid
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it makes me feel so much closer to you. it does? yeah. come on, sit down. what are you doing? i'm reading. well, isn't that kind of rude? you said you like me to be myself. well, yeah, but i didn't mean to pull out a book and start... hey, but i'm at the most exciting part and i just can't put it down. you know something, chrissy even when you're rude, you're cute.
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that mrs. roper and i had a pretty exciting evening. yeah, we played dominoes for about four hours. which reminds me, i still owe mrs. roper 1,700 match sticks. that's nice. yeah, and we talked. yeah, yes, we did.
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did you know that mrs. roper's mother was a dressmaker? yes, yes, she was. ( chuckling ) yeah, you know, when mrs. roper married stanley her mother made all the bridesmaids' gowns for the wedding. all in black satin. that's nice. chrissy, is something wrong? oh, janet will you knock it off? the last thing i need is your third degree so just get off my back, okay? ( door shuts ) chrissy?! jack: oh, what a beautiful mornin' oh, what a beautiful day hwa!!! i've got... jack, are you decent? depends on what you got in mind. jack?! sure, come on in. hi. hi. isn't it a sensational day? i feel great, the sun is shining the birds are singing, surf's up. how was your night? oh, it was okay
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oh, me, too. ( gargling ): oh, what a beautiful morning... so, what did you do? oh, nothing much. it was very quiet without you around. thank you. i mean it gave me a chance to get really close to chrissy. how close? i know a lot more about her now than i did before. when chrissy's had a little to drink she really loosens up. how loose? did you know she has a heart-shaped birthmark right on her...? yes, i did. and that she talks in her sleep? jack?! there's a bright, golden haze on the meadow... uh, chrissy uh, i think maybe we should talk about last night. oh, i can't. it's... it's just too humiliating. humiliating? i knew it!
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listen, men can really be beasts sometimes. you beast. how did it start? oh, it started out real nice and then we had some wine. oh, boy, does he know his onions. oh, no, we didn't have any onions. we had some cheese, and... no. no, no, chrissy, what happened after the wine? we talked. and? he kissed me on the forehead. before or after? instead of. do you mean that he didn't try to...? no. not even a little...? no! he just wasn't interested. wasn't interested? oh, janet, do you think i'm losing my sex appeal? oh...! come on. he didn't try anything all night. well, chrissy... oh, i am losing my sex appeal.
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nothing. that's what he did. at least he could have tried. would he have succeeded? of course not, but he didn't know that. you're right. men are really beasts. beast!!! it's all mr. roper's fault for going away in the first place. fun? helen, i'm not having any fun. no, what do you mean "it sounds like fun?" no, that's some crazy party in the next room. kept me up all night. as a matter of fact i called the police to complain about it. i'm not a spoilsport. do you know i had to drink seven cups of cocoa to get to sleep?
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'cause i kept going to the bathroom. what? the property? yeah, i saw the property. it's a very nice piece of desert. but the one thing i can't figure out is where they're going to get the water from. ( knock at door ) somebody at the door. come in. hey, roper, what's the matter? i just found out you're not at the party! hey, you're missing out on a swell time, right, sherry? mmm, it's a real blast! ( laughing ) is that your party next door? yeah, didn't you get the invitation? i never got an invitation. oh, hey, i'm sorry. oh, uh, sherry lee, stan roper. how do you do, stanley? hello. sherry, is it? mm-hmm. come on out to the pool. we're all going to take a... skinny dip. skinny dip? helen, uh, listen, i got a meeting. uh, mr. crawford just came in with one of his, uh...
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yeah. he's the only guy on the whole plane that hasn't bought a lot yet. well, he's the only one that isn't bombed out of his skull. well, you get freaks once in a while. work on him. okay, but why do they always have to look like that? i'll be home tonight, helen. yeah, o-okay. bye. stanley... could i use your bathroom for a minute? i spilled a little drinkie-poo on my blouse. sure, go ahead. stan, everybody's buying up those lots out there. i'm afraid they're all going to be gone unless you sign up right now. what about the water? the water's fine. why don't you come on out and splash around with the girls? i don't mean that water. stanley? whoa, on second thought i think you can have some fun right here, huh? ( laughing )
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see you later, stan. yeah, but, mr. crawford... stan-ley? what is it? do you have a shirt i could wear? i had to wash my blouse. but, you're not wearing any... but, it's soaking wet. i don't think i have a shirt in your... sizes. uh, size! i'll take anything you've got. i don't have anything. i mean, sh-shouldn't...? ( pounding on door ) police! oh, my god, it's a raid! hey, charlie, here's another one. okay, you two, let's go. but officer. i'm the one who called. that's right, gramps-- you called, she came. so, let's go, let's go. get dressed.
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jack, please? uh, listen, uh, linda, i have to go. can you call me back in a little bit? oh, thanks. okay, bye-bye. listen, jack, i know this sounds stupid but i think you should apologize to chrissy. she's upset about last night. nothing happened. that's what i mean. just a minute. you mean, she expected me to...? and she's upset because i didn't make a...? well, that's crazy. oh, now, listen, jack chrissy knows you come on strong with every girl you meet so, last night, when you didn't come on with her she just thought she wasn't worth the effort. oh... with chrissy, it wouldn't be an effort. well, tell her. chrissy, hey, i-i'm sorry you're upset. who says i'm upset? well, you always eat too much when you're upset. so, i'm fat and ugly. who cares? i do. look, chrissy... i'm sorry i didn't make a pass at you last night. oh, janet, how could you
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wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! chrissy, i want to talk to you. now, sit down, chrissy. look, see, i thought that... chrissy, she told me because she loves you and i love you. i mean, i don't "love you" love you. i love you in a "like you" kind of way. when i say "i love you"... get on with it. chrissy, i thought we had a great time last night. maybe it could have been even better. maybe i would have tried to get it on with you but i'm seeing linda now on a regular basis and i can't help it. i guess i'm a one-woman kind of guy. one at a time. it is not important. it is important! if i wasn't dating linda i'd have been all over you last night. yeah, i would have thrown you on the sofa and ripped off your clothes and attacked you like a mad dog.
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( phone ringing ) that'll be linda again. she's crazy about me. you okay now, chrissy? ( doorbell ringing ) all better? ah, mrs. roper. hi, janet. oh, excuse me. this is personal. what? what time is mr. roper getting home? well, i just had a call from him and he says that he's going to have to stay in apache springs for two more days. why? what happened? i don't know. he was very vague about it. something about "official business" and "being detained for 48 hours." i just hope he checks with me before he gets everything locked up. oh, janet, i hate to impose but, well, could you stay with me for two more nights? oh... well, go ahead.
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remember, he's got linda. okay. okay, okay. yeah, i'll be down tonight. oh, wonderful! oh, that's swell. hey, i'll polish up the dominoes. eee!!! i forgot about the dominoes. boy, that linda. i'm thinking of breaking it off with her. she said something i didn't dig. what? she said, "get lost." she's found another guy. well, anyway, you're looking at a free man, girls. so, what's on for tonight?
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three' come and knock on our door come and knock on our door we've been waitin' for you we've been waitin' for you where the kisses are hers and hers and his three's company, too come and dance on our floor come an dance on our floor take a step that is new take a step that is new we've a lovable space that needs your face three's company, too you'll see that life is a ball again laughter is callin' for you down at our rendezvous down at our rendezvous
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how did we ever collect so much junk in the glove compartment of that old car? look at this stuff, stanley. look, here's a melted plastic crackerjack prize a bunch of disneyland tickets... oh, a couple of packages of petrified mustard... ew. here's a... here's a... a macaroon with penicillin growing on it. helen, i'm trying to concentrate here.
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in a glove compartment very often. oh, hey, 1961. hey, what's this, stanley? what? what? this, this, this. oh. a miniature golf card. boy, i really used to score pretty good in those days. well, times change. maybe i need a better course to play on. oh, hey, here's a couple of ticket stubs to the west covina drive-in. oh, i remember going there. we saw john wayne and montgomery clift in red river. oh, yeah, i remember, too. i was so ashamed. it was the first time you ever took me to a drive-in and you fell asleep.
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while they're necking? "necking"? i wouldn't neck during a john wayne picture. that was a very good western movie. it was two men and a lot of bull. helen, you know i'm really going to miss that old car. remember, it took us on our honeymoon? mmm. how could i ever forget? you cared more about that car than you did about me. helen, don't be ridiculous. it's true! you fussed over that car for hours after we got to the motel. well, i had to. it was overheated. so was i. ( doorbell ringing ) i just hope our next car is as good. i got a lot of service out of that old heap. wish i could say the same for you. hi, mr. roper. is your wife in? her mouth is. jack! hi, mrs. roper. i got you that fresh oregano
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oh, jack, you're an angel! oh, hey, just one thing-- do... do i bread the veal before i saute it? no, just dredge it ever so lightly with a breath of double-sifted flour. i just love listening to girl talk. yes, well... i better be going. say, i noticed you took that "for sale" sign off your car outside. i called a used car dealer. he bought it over the phone just like that. without ever seeing it first? pros know a good thing when they hear it. you should have bought that car when i offered it to you a few weeks ago. i couldn't afford $750. is that the price you're getting for it? well, almost. what, 700? almost. almost nothing, he means. he's getting 200. only 200? i'll see you later. uh, don't forget to bring your knitting with you next time.
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