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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  May 23, 2022 11:35pm-12:37am PDT

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well thank you for watching, the late show with steven colbert i captioning sponsored by cbs >> tech billionaire elon musk is pushing back against allegations that he sexually harassed a spacex flight attendant in 2016. >> musk allegedly exposed himself to the flight attendant during a massage and then offered to buy her a horse in exchange for sex acts. >> spacex employees -- give it up for your c.e.o. elon musk! >> good afternoon. today, i would like to clarify something to all quiewf, my staff, and that is, um, what sexual favor i am seeking when i offer which animal. remember, they all rhyme. a horse means intercourse. if i give you a reason bit, go
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ahead and grab it. and then, of course, a stick bug for a quick tug. now, anyone who is upset they weren't offered an animal can stop by my office and i will personally give you crabs. show" with stephen colbert! tonight, monkey see monkey do. plus stephen welcomes jennifer connelly! and patti lupone! featuring jon batiste and "stay human." and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ( theme song playing )
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wa>> stephen: watch out, watch out! every monday. every monday. hello, it's good to see you. ( audience chanting stephen ) >> stephen: welcome one and all down here, up there, high and away up there. hello, ladies and gentlemen, good to see you. welcome one and all to "the late show." i am your shows stephen colbert. ( cheers and applause ) folks, if you watch this show regularly, and i hope you do, you know that i try to have a pretty positive outlook on the world, such as it is. i see the glass as half full. i don't know what the liquid is, and i'm not drinking it. but it's half full. but current events have me feeling a little unsettled, and
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a little 'flurpy,' about america's future. and i'm not alone. according to a recent cbs news-yougov-mountain dew: code red- poll, america's mood is uneasy and worried. things are so stressful our national bird is now the 'balding eagle.' ( applause ) so it's good. long may he wave. just going to save it? ( laughter ) according to the poll, 74% of americans say things in america are going badly, and 65% of americans say that when important things come up, president biden is slow to act. well, yeah. he's 79. ( laughter ) at his age if he moves too fast, he'll get bruised by his shirt. ( laughter ) the g.o.p. doesn't fare well either, because the republicans are described by a majority as extreme. the gop responded: this poll is illegitimate. no one feels that way. and when we return to power,
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anyone who feels that way will be sorry when we make the purge real. ( laughter ) good movie, though. quality movie. ( cheers and applause ) speaking of the president dealing with our problems, he left us. he's in asia. this weekend, he was in south korea, and during a press conference, he was asked about the threat that north korea might shoot off some missiles while he's there. >> do you have a for kim jong un while you're here? >> hello. period. ( laughter ) >> stephen: first of all, who's idea was it to hold a press conference in front of a raging waterfall? that's what you do if you're a mobster and you're afraid somebody's wearing a wire. today, he held a press conference next to a guy operating a jackhammer. and that message itself, hello, has got to be pretty
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disappointing for kim jong-un. he spent four years being the focus of us foreign policy, getting love letters from the previous president. and all he gets from biden is hello? it's the most casual presidential greeting of an adversary since reagan at the berlin wall: >> mr gorbachev, how's it hanging, bro? ( laughter ) >> stephen: house of it hangin'? i remember how it hung. how it hanged. to the right? but north korea's not the only foreign power biden has a for. today, while in tokyo, he was asked this hypothetical about china attacking taiwan: >> are you willing to get involved militarily to defend taiwan if it comes to that? >> yes. >> stephen: gulp. ( laughter ) come on, joe, we have enough going on. it's like that old coco chanel saying: before you leave the house, look in the mirror. and don't go to war with china.
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( laughter ) biden's very blunt statement surprised many, including the reporter who asked it, so she followed up. >> you are? >> that's a commitment we made. >> stephen: he sounds so resigned. (as grandpa) "i know the spark has gone out of our marriage, doris, but it's a commitment we made, so let's go upstairs and do the nasty, i guess. or right here on the kitchen counter. it's not like the kids are around anymore to interrupt." ( laughter ) but this is important because the us has historically warned china not to use force against taiwan while generally remaining vague about how far it would go, in a policy called, strategic ambiguity. johnny, tell them what strategic ambiguity means. >> if you invade taiwan you'll get whatever's in the mystery box. it could be a nuclear strike or a broyhill dinette set. may god have mercy on our souls steve.
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>> stephen: thank you, johnny. ( applause ) so, it seems like biden might have stepped in it just a little, which might be why, after his very firm yes, he did the backstroke: >> look, here's the situation: we agree with a one china policy. but the idea that it could be taken by force, just taken by force is just not appropriate. it will dislocate the entire region and be another action, similar to what happened in ukraine. and, so, it's a burden that is even stronger. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: i would describe the
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biden foreign policy as wistful anxiety. ( laughter ) he's just following teddy roosevelt's famous dictum: speak softly. ( laughter ) while the president was in asia, he addressed the hot new virus everyone's talking about. i'll tell you about it in our unfortunately recurring segment: planet of the monkeypox! take your stinking pocks off me you damn dirty april! >> stephen: while he was in korea, the president was asked about the disease, and said that everybody should be concerned. way ahead of you. ( laughter ) and i understand why, because there are more than 190 confirmed or suspected cases in 16 countries, including the u.k., portugal, germany, belgium, france, the netherlands, italy, sweden, and spain. evidently, monkeypox is traveling through europe. even worse, it now insists on
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pronouncing it 'barth-ay-lona.' ( laughter ) driving in a laurie. monkeypox has also monkeyed its way over to america, where there is now a third case in florida. but that's fine, because florida knows how to handle a disease outbreak, right governor ron de santis? >> covid, i view as a very minor risk okay we're dead. >> stephen: okay, we're all dead. ( laughter ) >> stephen: there's a reason monkeypox has been spreading so quickly. according one infectious disease expert at the w-h-o, it has gotten into the population as a sexual form, as a genital form. i'm no doctor, but i know that the genital form of something is always the worst form. (as doctor) "mister smith, i'm sorry, but it looks like you have a sinus infection. the genital form. ( laughter )
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( applause ) here's a nasal spray. you're not gonna like where it goes." ( laughter ) thanks to our meddling genitals, this could just keep spreading. the w.h.o. is concerned monkeypox could accelerate during summer months with mass gatherings like festivals. so be careful around primate-themed festivals like lollapa-lemur chimp-chella and bonobo-roo. ( laughter ) there's good news for babies, and it's not just that i never really had your nose. sorry for the mixup. because to help relieve the country's ongoing formula shortage, on sunday, the us military airlifted baby formula from europe. that is a shocking headline. the united states, the land of the free and the home of unlimited breadsticks, has been forced to airlift formula from europe because we can't feed our babies.
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if i told you five years ago this was happening, you'd say, that's gotta be the worst news of the day. then i would tell you about genital monkeypox. ( laughter ) which also came from europe. which we also got from europe. but thanks to our european friends, our babies are ready to chow down on 132 pallets of formula from zurich, switzerland. oh, and the swiss formula is the best. it's got those little marshmallows. ( laughter ) i'm being told we have just received footage of the flight landing. >> brrrrrrrrrr, here comes the plane. here it comes. open up nom nom nom speaking of
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snood speaking of whiney little babies, billionaires. according to a new study, during the covid pandemic, a new billionaire was created every 30 hours. and none of them were me. i'm beginning to get this whole income inequality thing. specifically, between march 2020 and march 2022, 573 people became new billionaires, including 40 new pharmaceutical billionaires. which is sad. you know they're just gonna blow it all on drugs. we also saw the addition of 62 new food billionaires. we actually have a reaction from one such billionaire. >> iiiiiiiii'm rich, bitch! >> stephen: bev got a great show. my guests are jennifer connelly and patti lupone. when we come back, are celebrities scamming you about crypto? stay tuned after the celebrity crypto commercials. we'll find out.
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( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: give it up for the band, everybody! that's louis cato, and everybody else in "stay human"!
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( cheers and applause ) we've got two tremendous guests tonight, louis, i'm very exited. >> yes, we do. >> stephen: these two women are amazing. oscar winner jennifer connelly is here. she's in the new "top gun" movie. and broadway royalty, patti lupone is out here, she's in a revival of "company" down the street. absolutely amazing. before we go on with the rest of the show, i want to take a moment to give a shoutout to our porkd out there for those of you who listen which is everyone, at this point. our podcast is every episode of "the late show" plus other stuff you don't get in "the late show" podcast -- i mean that don't get in the show, special stuff like me explaining this right now. maybe not on the show. you can listen to it seven days a week. the reason i bring that up is i'm not the only one who likes
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our podcast, so do the people, because we just won a webby award. we won a webby award. ( applause ) look at that. practical. use this. if your suspension goes out on your jeep you can put this right in. we won, this is the people's voice award for interview/talk show podcast and an honoree in the podcast category. thank you everyone. ( applause ) so, ladies and gentlemen, if you're a daredevil investor, then you know it's been a bumpy ride recently for cryptocurrency. bitcoin is down 59% from its all-time high, and ethereum is down 60 percent. there's also been a big drop in amaze-eum, and i-just-made-that-up-eum.
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( laughter ) with crypto crashing, if you own a nonfungible token, or n.f.t., you are sooo funged. because, evidently, celebrity-endorsed n.f.t.s are leaving investors financially crippled. even worse, the n.f.t.'s that do still have value just caught monkeypox. reportedly, some celebrities have gotten big money to endorse n.f.t.'s-- for instance, bored bunny n.f.t.s endorsed by floyd mayweather. there's no better source of long-term financial advice than from a man who made his money getting punched in the head. and while we're here, why bored bunny? do all n.f.t. animals have to be bored? why can't we be ripped off by something with a little more zazz, like a mildly-interested marmot, or an emo emu? now, when mayweather first endorsed bored bunnies, each n.f.t. cost about $1500. now, a bored bunny will fetch you $104.09.
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painful. but not nearly as painful as having to tell your kids: you won't be attending college because daddy bought a picture of a rabbit with a machine gun and a pacifier. ( laughter ) of course, i can see why people got duped. if you go to the bored bunny website, you'll see their promise: together, let's build the best exclusive club never seen before. show to the world how strong and influent we are. ( laughter ) if you fell for that, i'm guessing you were under the influent. ( laughter ) ( applause ) it's a red flag when your retirement plan doesn't have a great grasp of grammar. reminds me of capital one's failed ad campaign: cap pal one -- what wallet inside? loud and power in! we'll be right back with jennifer connelly. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing )
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( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: hey! welcome back, everybody! ladies and gentlemen, my first guest is an academy award-winning actress you know from "labyrinth," "a beautiful mind," and "snowpiercer." she now stars in "top gun: maverick." please welcome back to the late
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show, jennifer connelly ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> hi! >> stephen: hi. nice to see you. >> stephen: nice to see you, too. >> nice to see all of you! >> stephen: lovely to have you back. you know, you've started off your summer in a big way because the top gun over there, the "top gun: maverick, six-minute standing ovation in the end and those french don't give that away for nothing. >> it was amazing. the energy was palpable, unbelievable. i've seen the movie three times with audiences. >> stephen: yes. and every time, people are just ready to have a great time in the movie theater, i think.
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>> stephen: have you seen it in an i max? i have been told go sew that. >> yes. i think what they have been able to do with the flying sequences is so impactful. >> stephen: it all happens. all the actors playing pilots went through training, they're up there in the planes and you can feel it. >> stephen: i've got to ask a very important question -- at any point in this movie -- and don't give anything away -- but at any point, does anyone in this movie t take a highway to e danger zone or an off ramp to a perilous junction or something like that? is there danger zone in the movie? >> so much danger zone. >> stephen: good. then you go to london. the royal premiere. >> the royal premiere. which is very special. >> stephen: with kate and william. had you ever met them? >> i had not. >> stephen: you must love this
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photo. tell the folks. >> the last time i was at a world premiere was in 1986, and i met diana for the movie "labyrinth," which i was a teenager when i made. >> stephen: that's a nice photo. >> yeah. ( applause ) you can see how pink my cheeks are. i was so overwhelmed meeting her. >> stephen: she seem nice? he was impeccable. she was impeccable. >> stephen: you're not so bad yourself here. >> oh, thank you. >> stephen: age 16, that's the same year "top gun" came out. >> same year, a little bit of trivia there. >> stephen: did you watch the original back in the day. >> i watched the original back in the day and i've rewatched it several times. >> stephen: i bet. is there shirtless volleyball in this one? >> there might be shirtless something or another. ( laughter ) >> stephen: had you met tom -- i call him tom -- had you met tom cruise? i had never met him.
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>> he's extraordinary. i hadn't. >> stephen: how did you not cross paths by accident. >> i don't think anything happens by accident. the preparation, the skill, everything is extraordinary. but i met him and my first impression was kind of the takewear, which is i never met anyone more enthusiastic than everything than tom cruise. >> stephen: wow. i think for me it would probably be the teeth. so bea such beautiful t. lauger ) it's trant t. >> beautiful teeth. >> stephen: you're no slouch yourself. those are nice gnashers. ( laughter ) "top gun," the original, and they really kicked it up a notch. but you're not a huge fan of
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flying? >> no, i'm not a big fan of flying, and i actually went through a stage are i was incredibly bad at flying. it was very traumatic for me and anyone near me on an airplane. i literally got to a point where i -- it started with a bang on one flight when we took off and i just decided it wasn't okay and i shouted that it wasn't okay to the whole planeful of people. >> stephen: you shouted what, this isn't okay? >> help! help! and no one came because we were taking off. >> stephen: and your name was on a list somewhere. >> it was the beginning of a bad chapter. >> stephen: i know you're not a pilot, but did you go up and fly with the jets or tat?sused s plane, we're supposed cobb just sitting on the tarmac and he starts talking to me about this plane, it's a p51, a vintage
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plane, it happens to be his plane and have i ever done any aerobatic flying and am i interested in aerobatic flying and i start to become suspicious i'm going to be doing aerobatic flaying and i said, am i? he said, it's going to be very beautiful. we're going to do very gentle, graceful rolls in the plane and -- >> stephen: wow. -- and it's tom. so you're trying to be a little bit cool around him. >> stephen: yeah. o i didn't say, hold on, wait, i have a terrible fear of flying. i said, yeah, that's cool. it will be great. >> stephen: did you takeoff at that moment? >> no. >> stephen: i thought maybe he trapped you and said let's go. >> no, they planned for it. >> stephen: was it beautiful and graisms and everything you wanted it to be? >> honestly -- look, we started, and he started the engine and flames burst out. that surprised me definitely. >> stephen: but that's supposed to happen.
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>> evidently, yeah. he forget to tell me that that might happen. >> stephen: yeah. it actually was. we took off and it was dawn and we were in the desert and it was kind of beautiful. >> stephen: fantastic. tom, i'll go up with you. ( laughter ) just trying to tempt him in some way. yeah. we have to take a quick break, but when we come back, i will ask jennifer if she, like tom, does her own stunts. stick around. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing )
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>> stephen: hey, everybody, we're back here with jennifer connelly from "top gun: maverick. obviously, mr. cruise famously does his own stunts. >> yes. >> stephen: i do, too. but do you do your own stunts? because there's a little action sequence, a bit of an action sequence here, and i want to know if this is really you doing this here. you're not a pilot, but you pilot something. >> i. do i'm at the helm of a vessel. >> stephen: jim. we have to. i can't go. what do you mean. test tomorrow. i have to study. they only told us today. >> i can't tell her alone. just use the engine. why are we taking her to the yard. >> to fix the engine. i can help.
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rougher than it was expecting! >> you don't say! pull on the back, depower the sails. >> okay. what is happening? >> you're supposed to be in the navy! >> i don't sailboats, penny, i land on them! ( applause ) >> stephen: that's a continuous shot. you're driving that boat there. >> i am. >> stephen: and it's a bit rumply out there. >> it was. we filmed the sequence twice. we filmed it first outside san diego. it was beautiful. we had lovely shots. dolphins were swimming beside us and tom was, like, this isn't fast enough. so we redid the scene and went to san francisco. >> stephen: for the rough weather. >> for the rough weather and the
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wind and that's what we had. >> stephen: had you sailed before? >> i was taking lessons before in preparation. >> stephen: so just for this movie? >> yeah. >> stephen: because that's a sizable boat. >> yeah, and we're moving really fast. >> stephen: did you like the feeling of the helm in your hand? >> sounds like a euphemism, but, yeah. >> stephen: sure. it can be both. ( laughter ) >> it was great. it was amazing. i was taking lessons. i started in new york because i live in brooklyn. >> stephen: in the harbor. yes, which is interesting. >> stephen: that's busy. like learning to drive on the auduban. >> stephen: or learning how to skate board on the auduban. >> yeah, exactly. i was doing that and before filming i was taking sailing lessons to prepare. >> stephen: jennifer, thov for being here. >> thank you. >> stephen: my best to your
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husband. "top gun: maverick," is in theaters friday. jennifer connelly, everybody we'll be right back with broadway legend patti lupone. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) ♪ we could walk forever ♪ ( ♪♪ ) ♪ walking on ♪ ♪ walking on the moon ♪ ♪ some ♪ ♪ may say ♪ ♪ i'm wishing my days away ♪ ♪ walking on the moon ♪
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i joined the district attorney's office to pursue justice for everyone. but like so many of my colleagues, i resigned in protest because chesa boudin interfered in every single case and failed to do his job. the office is absolutely in disarray right now. chesa dissolved my unit prosecuting car break-ins. now criminals flock to san francisco because there are no consequences. we can't wait. recall chesa boudin now. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing )>> sen: he welcome bacbody!go you!
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folks, my next guest tonight is a two-time tony abarred winner and broadway legend. she now stars in "company" on broadway which just earned her another tony nomination. please welcome to the late show, patti lupone. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: hey, kiddo. goodu ag's been a lonyoe g, to long time. >> you got me through the pandemic in all so sorts of roos you were in. >> stephen: we migrated. it was a movable feast. ( laughter ) earlier at this month, you were in a talkback at the end of
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"company." >> look at these lovely people with their masks on! >> stephen: yes! these people get it. >> yes. >> stephen: so you made news. you told an audience member during this talkback to put their mask on inside the theater because they weren't wearing it correctly and making trouble. we have a little clip. >> put your mask over your nose. that's why you're in the theater. that is the rule. if you don't want to follow the rule, get ( bleep ) out! ( applause ) you do not respect the people that are sitting around you! you ( bleep ). chris harper pays my salary. >> excuse me. who do you think you are? yes. ( applause ) >> stephen: so how did it get to that point?
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because you're a lovely person. >> sometimes. >> stephen: what led up to that moment? >> well, for instance, we are now used to looking at the audience, and you see people with masks on. i see the eyes. usually you see the whole face, but i see the eyes. i know what's going on backstage. this was a talkback. when you see everybody except two people, this woman and her half asleep husband with the mask off, you immediately see it. what led up to it is what she did when our covid safety managers came down to tell her to put it on correctly. she took it off, waved it in the air, and put it over her eyes. so she was mocking the man date and mocking the covid safety managers who get abuse every night. i mean, the ushers go up and down the aisle, and we just got an email today, somebody else is out, you know, we're not out of this. we're not out of it at the
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jacobs theater. >> stephen: do you need me to go in? >> do you know how much they'd love that! >> stephen: now you can buy merchandise that has it on it. you can have "who do you think you are, patti lupone." ( applause ) >> we seems to be my go-to. >> stephen: who do you think you are. >> it seems to be my go-to. i have to come up with another expression. >> stephen: you're back on a broadway with this beautiful revival of "company." here's the play bill for it right there. ( cheers and applause ) people may not know, you and i did this show together with the new york philharmonic. >> we certainly did. >> stephen: in 2011. this was to me kind of the definitive production here. here we are together, that's you right there, and that young guy right there is me. ( cheers and applause ) and most terrifying thing i've ever done. most terrifying thing i've ever
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done. >> it is terrifying. >> stephen: yes. you have ten days to absorb a musical and you have one hour to be on the stage of the new york philharmonic because the stage hands are so strict with how much time you can spend on the stage. >> stephen: you've also done it in the west end, and now here you are doing it again. what's different about how you approach the role, or does it change with each production? >> it does. it changes with the direction. >> stephen: okay. mary ann elliott, the brilliant director of this concept of bobby being female, i never worked with her before and i wanted to. it's just her approach with actors, and she isen a actors' director. and this is probably my favorite interpretation of jo ann because she's funny. she gets to laugh, you know, and she's not dower. is it do-er or dower? >> stephen: you're the legend
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of broadway. ( laughter ) "company" was written by stephen sondheim. to honor him, there are special play bills for stephen sondheim for the lovers and the collectors out there. this is the man that i met and knew. ( cheers and applause ) and here he is as a very young man. and i'm curious, i was lucky enough to interview him a couple of times, to do that, shortly before he died, interviewed him rght there. >> i remember that interview. >> stephen: and it was deeply -- though i didn't go do much of his work, deeply influential to me. >> you did six. >> stephen: stephen sondheims. what did you learn from him? >> i re-created. it's always intimidating when someone you deeply respect and are deeply intimidated by shows up in the rehearsal room because i just wantpro w o my interpret,
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and he was a task master. his notes were at times extremely harsh. but when they weren't harsh and they were approving, it was -- i could cry now. it was sort of -- it's, you know, when he died, my first thought was who will make me better? and no one -- i mean, no one -- he had such -- david and stephen sondheim are my strongest influences in my profession in theater, and i don't think they'll ever -- there'll ever be someone as complex as stephen to influence the interpreters of his work and musical theater. >> stephen: beautifully said. ( applause ) >> stephen: in just a moment, i'm happy to say that you are
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going to perform a number from "company." what will we be hearing? ( cheers and applause ) >> we'll be hearing jo ann's ( chrs a applause ) stephenom," is on dw for a performance by patti lupone. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) fanduel and draftkings, two out of state corporations making big promises to californians. what's the real math behind their ballot measure for online sports betting? 90% of profits go to the out of state corporations permanently.
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only eight and a half cents is left for the homeless. and in virginia, arizona, and other states, fanduel and draftkings use loopholes to pay far less than was promised. sound familiar? it should. it's another bad scheme for california.
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and now most admired alum! get up there. this is so embarrassing. there's no way it's me. you know her.... you love her.... ruh roh. what are you doing here? it's anna gomez! who? our first gigillionaire! with at&t fiber, anna's got the fastest internet with hyper-gig speeds. i didn't know you went to this school. we have a lot in common. live like a gigillionaire with at&t fiber. now with speeds up to 5-gigs. limited availability.
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>> stephen: and now performing "the ladies who lunch" from stephen sondheim "company," patti lupone. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ here's to the ladies who lunch
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everybody laugh ♪ lounging in their caftans and planning a brunch ♪ on their own behalf off to the gym, ♪ then to a fitting claiming they're fat ♪ and looking grim 'cause they've been sitting ♪ choosing a hat does anyone still wear a hat? ♪ i'll drink to that here's to the girls ♪ who stay smart aren't they a gas?
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♪ rushing to their classes in optical art ♪ wishing it would pass another long exhausting day ♪ another thousand dollars a matinee, ♪ a pinter play perhaps a piece of mahler's ♪ i'll drink to that and one for mahler ♪ here's to the girls who play wife ♪ aren't they too much? keeping house but clutching ♪ a copy of life just to keep in touch ♪ the ones who follow the rules and meet themselves ♪ at the schools too busy to know
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♪ that they're fools aren't they a gem? ♪ i'll drink to them let's all drink to them ♪ and here's to the girls who just watch ♪ aren't they the best? when they get depressed, ♪ it's a bottle of scotch plus a little jest ♪ another chance to disapprove another brilliant zinger ♪ another reason not to move another vodka stinger
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♪ ah i'll drink to that so here's to the girls ♪ on the go everybody tries look ♪ into their eyes and you'll see what they know ♪ everybody dies a toast to that invincible bunch ♪ the dinosaurs surviving the crunch ♪ let's hear it for the ladies who lunch ♪ everybody rise rise ♪ rise, rise rise, rise ♪ rise, rise rise ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: "company," is on broadway at the bernard b. jacobs theatre. patti lupone, everybody! that's it for the late show. tune in tomorrow when my guests will be prime minister jacinda ardern and david sedaris, james corden is next. goodnight. ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh
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>> reggie: ladies and gentlemen, all thwa


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