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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  May 13, 2022 11:35pm-12:36am PDT

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the late show with stephen colbert is next. >> congratulations. you made it to the weekend. see you. captioning sponsored by cbs >> elon musk offered to fully buy twitter. musk says the social media giants needs to go private, so it can better serve free speech. >> he says he wants to pay $54.20 a share. of course, $54.20-- that's 4-20. that's a code for marijuana. >> and he also is running spacex. >> at spacex, we're on a mission to send humankind to mars. many still feel reluctant about interplanetary travel, but our founder, elon musk, has an idea to change that: make earth really bad. you see, right now, earth is pretty good. there are dogs. pancakes. even a few trees left. it's certainly better than living in a joyless bubble,
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eating potatoes grown in matt damon's poop. but imagine the most popular social media platform, controlled by a guy who tweets stuff like this: "i put the art in fart." "jack in the box should do double duty as a sperm donor clinic." and "69 days after 4/20 again, ha ha." you'll say, "my god, get me the hell off this rock." so, please, twitter executives, follow the urge that so many people have, and give elon the bird. this ad paid for by spacex, where our motto is: 58008 upside down is boobs. ha ha! tonight, sank you, nexe latesh " plus, stephen welcomes: hugh laurie and musical gut idles
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featuring jon batiste and "stay human." and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: hey, here we go. coming around the... portside. thank you very much. as you were. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) what's up, frankenstein? ( cheers and applause ) thanks, everybody! welcome, one and all, in here, out there, down here, up there, to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. ladieses and gentlemen-- ( cheers and applause ) it was just-- just a beautiful day. >> jon: yeah. >> stephen: just a beautiful day here in new york city, the big
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city of dreams. the city that never sleeps rested a bit easier last night, because yesterday, the n.y.p.d. arrested subway shooter suspect frank james after it got-- ( cheers and applause ) feels nice! you don't have to worry about your kids on the subway or anything. they arrested him after they got a tip on its crime stoppers hotline. you know the number: ♪ 800-588- 2300 ♪ crime stop! ♪ ( laughter ) that is not the number. whoever-- ( laughter ) whoever made the call is a hero, who stands to receive up to $50,000 in reward, right? unfortunately, it is unclear who alerted the police, because there were scores of calls, and an array of people took credit for turning him in. plus, to collect the reward, you had to be the 19th caller and say the phrase that pays: "crime stoppers is new york's number one crime-stopping hotline, stopping crimes from the '80s, '90s, and today! ba-ba-booey!" ( laughter ) one person-- >> jon: wow.
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( laughter and applause ) >> stephen: one person claiming to have dropped a dime on james is 21-year-old zach tahhan, a security camera technician who was working in a store nearby when he saw jameshrou one of the security cameras. you hear that, m.t.a.? cameras work so much better when they work. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) at all. ♪ 800-588... ♪ (♪ piano riff ♪) now, tahhan is a syrian immigrant who is observing ramadan, and he became a social media sensation last night with his explanation of how he helped nab the suspect: ( laughter ) >> stephen: yeah. he's just fasting. makes you a little-- can make you a little loopy, when you're fasting. and he had to make that clear,
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that it was just because he was fasting, because-- and this is true-- he was standing in front of a sign that said, "need cannabis delivered?" ( laughter ) after this week? yes. several others have claimed responsibility, and to complicate the situation even further, law enforcement officials have now said that james himself may have called the tip line. that is going to be an awkward award ceremony! ( laughter ) "mr. james, here is a key to the city, a check for $50,000, and a pair of handcuffs. take the key away-- take the key away from him!" so, new yorkers, you can relax and return to the subway. it's just as safe and clean as you remember. ( laughter ) speaking of fighting the bad guys, the ukrainian military announced that a russian warship has been "seriously damaged" in the black sea, after-- ( cheers and applause ) --after ukrainian forces struck
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the ship with anti-ship neptune missiles. i'm surprised-- i'm surprised they're called "neptune" missiles, because russia, ukraine's kicking "uranus." ( laughter and applause ) (♪ piano riff ♪) thank you. really? really? you too? ( cheers and applause ) (♪ piano riff ♪) >> jon: yeah, yeah! >> stephen: double-teaming me over there? ( applause ) at first, russia downplayed the damage to the vessel, but late this afternoon, the kremlin's military spokesman released this statement: >> you sank my battleship! ( laughter ) >> stephen: it's true! today, russian state media confirmed that the warship of course, since it's russian state media, they had to spin it as a positive: ( laughter and applause ) >> stephen: of course-- ( cheers and applause ) that didn't turn out. i didn't do the accent right. i have a really drifting russian accent, it gets--
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it gets italian very quickly. ( laughter ) of course, russia claims the goal of their invasion was to prevent the eastward expansion of nato, but the attempt to intimidate their neighbors seems to have backfired, because now sweden and finland are making moves to join nato. it could be-- ( cheers and applause ) this is huge news. no one saw it-- it could be the most shocking nordic alliance since black licorice joined forces with salt. ( laughter ) is it candy or a dirty snow tire? pick a lane! yesterday, the swedish and finnish prime ministers held a joint press conference, where finnish prime minister sanaa marine said finland was ready to make a decision on joining nato "within weeks." well, they have to. their coupon is about to expire! refer a friend, get one month of nato free with promo code "suck it, putin." over the weekend-- yeah! hell yeah!
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sanaa! over the weekend, prime minister marine explained, "russia is not the neighbor we thought it was." what neighbor did you think it was? just listen to russia's state farm jingle: >> ♪ "like a good neighbor, we bomb your house." ♪ >> stephen: now, this move is a little risky, as russia has repeatedly warned finland against joining nato, threatening "serious military and political consequences." oh, damn. that's not what i meant when i wished this war would "finish"! damn you, monkey paw! damn you, cursed-- i wished-- i wished on a-- monkey paw. sweden. sweden is expected to join nato, too, if only to keep russians from seizing their strategic reserve of skarsgards. ( laughter ) none of this has stopped russian officials from issuing more threats. take deputy chairman of russia's security council,
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and chef declaring "that's-a spicy-a turnip"... ( laughter ) dmitry medvedev. medvedev, who used to be the russian prime minister, and the russian president, before doing whatever the hell his new, no-show job is, wrote a post on telegram in which he threatened russia would build up nuclear forces in the baltic sea area if sweden and finland join nato. one problem. according to the lithuanian defense minister, russia already has nuclear weapons in the baltic region. okay. you can't threaten to do the thing you're already doing. that's like sending a ransom note that says, "send us $1 million or we will cut up your magazine!" ( laughter and applause ) ( cheers and applause ) the whole world-- ( cheers and applause ) hey. hi. hi, hello. hey. the whole world has turned against russia, including the republic of netflix, which suspended service there last month. now, russian netflix subscribers
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launched a class action lawsuit for loss of service. then, after a few hours, a screen popped up saying, "are you still suing?" and you had to click "yes." ( laughter ) it's not just the viewers who are mad, because netflix also "hd acquisition of all russian-made tv shows and films." that is rough news for anyone-- ( cheers and applause ) sure, it's the right thing to do. but, it's rough news for anyone excited about the new season of "bridger-tato." ( laughter ) fun fact: the viscount's sexy butt? is potato. ( laughter ) nice. it's nice. little butter, little sour cream. ( laughter ) couple of bacon bits. you got it, baby. spring is here, the sun is out, the flowers are up, and there's a special something in the air. unfortunately, that something covid, because cases have been going up on the east coast, and
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two new omicron subvariants are spreading quickly in new york. now, scientists aren't sure just how they're spreading through manhattan so fast, but they suspect they're using citibikes. ( laughter ) these variants-- keep in mind, these variants are not your grandpa's omicron. they are sub-subvariants of the ba.2 subvariant, called: ba.2.12 and ba.2.12.1. come on, scientists! can't you be more creative than letters and numbers? people would take these variants more seriously if you gave them nooogretch."ike, "big bad greg," "sorry, i ba greg." ughter ) big bad greg-- that's hard to say. the variants-- ( cheers and applause ) that's okay. you are too kind. that is really too nice. the new variants are "the most how do these things keep getting
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more transmissible than the most transmissible virus of all time? this is like when we were told the most extreme oreo was double-stuf, but then it mutated to mega-stuf, and now we're up to most-stuf. next, they're just going to lower us head-first into "stuf!" there's good news, that you can fight-- that fights covid. ( applause ) that is one of the treatments. ( applause ) oh, this is-- this is something. there's news about tesla billionaire, and groom giving the worst possible "i do"... elon musk. a week ago, musk became twitter's largest shareholder, after buying $2.89 billion-worth of the company. okay, did no one tell him you can read the tweets for free? ( laughter ) and after his big investment, he spent the week sitting down with experts to plan a long-term business strategy, by which i mean, he posted a bunch of troll-y nonsense, like a meme of himself smoking weed with the caption, "twitter's next board
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meeting is going to be lit," and a poll suggesting they change the name to "titter." one of theatrs of our time, folks! it's like when thomas edison debuted his marvelous incandescent "light boob." ( laughter ) but-- ( cheers and applause ) i don't know. but that stock purchase wasn't enough for the musk man, because last night, musk offered to buy twitter for $43 billion in cash he could do so much with that money! address world hunger. fix climate change. get a decent haircut. ( laughter ) in a statement-- in a statement, musk said that he's decided his initial investment wasn't enough, and now believes "twitter needs to be transformed as a private company," and that his goal is to make twitter "the platform for free speech around the globe." hey, ya ding-a-ling: twitter
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is already an inte because no one at twitter can stop me from tweeting "suck it, elon musk" in every language. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) we've got a great show for you tonight! ( cheers and applause ) my guest is hugh the one, the only, mr. hugh laurie! but when we come back, "meanwhile!" join us, won't you? ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) are you tired of washing dishes? well flip the way you clean'em. introducing dawn platinum ez-squeeze. it's a new, upside-down bottle... with no cap. you just grab and squeeze. platinum's upgrad mowe reorrfpo bremuul fdoaklas nice! no flip, no mess.
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: jon batiste and "stay human." ( band playing ) right there, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) oh, jon, jon, you know, i'm a lucky man. i'm a lucky man to do this show. obviously to share the stage with you and the band, and also to be able to share the stage with some of the guests that we have here tonight. all of the guests, really, but sometimes, like, you know, a little dream guest come along,
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someone that you really love. hugh laurie is here tonight. he is one of my-- ( cheers and applause ) --comedic heroes. he can do it all. he can do it all. he is house. >> jon: yes. >> stephen: he is house. folks, if you watch this show, you know i spend most of my time right over there, carefully sorting through the day's biggest stories and selecting isheostrich andupple and crocodile news leather, which i then entrust to artisan graduates of the "ecole gregoire-ferrandi," who carefully dye them in a palette of bright, zesty shades, and adorn them with the finest, most topical inlay work, using hand tools and double magnifying glasses, then assemble them according to now-classic and elegant geometry using our signature saddle-stitching, and line it with beeswax-coated linen, and finally attach a mallet-hammered strap, pearled hardware, and clochette to create for you the one-of-a-kind haute couture hermes birkin bag that is my monologue. but sometimes-- ( cheers and applause ) sometimes, folks-- ( cheers and applause ) sometimes.
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( cheers and applause ) sometimes i wake up in the last car of an abandoned roller coaster at coney island, where i'm hiding from the triads, i huff some engine lubricants out of a safeway bag and stagger down the shore to tear the sail off a beached schooner, then i rip the co-axial cable out of an r.v. of an elderly couple from utah-- hank and mabel, lovely folks-- and use it to stitch the sail into a loose, pouch-like rucksack, then i stow away in the back of a garbage truck to the junkyard, where i pick broys that make me o saddest,il i he ad nd ♪ "meanwhile!" >> stephen: that is the only food i need. meanwhile, the "late show" can not at all exclusively reveal that "kim kardashian says pete davidson tried to give her his number when they first connected at the met gala, but
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she couldn't use her phone because of her outfit." ( laughter ) i've been there. it's tough to use a touch screen when you're cosplaying as a dementor. ( laughter ) meanwhile, lululemon wants your used workout clothes. it's the brainchild of lululemon's new head of marketing: creepy rick. ( laughter ) meanwhile, thanks to a brand new law, "tennessee will make ivermectin available without a prescription." okay, quick question: all those people who took ivermectin before, had a prescription? from who? "yes, doctor, i have a heart condition, worms, and i am a horse. i know i don't look like a horse. that's how sick i am." ivermectin, of course, a popular covid cure among people who don't care that it doesn't cure covid. and only one republican voted no to this bill: senator richard briggs, a
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surgeon from knoxville, who admitted he may have a "pro-science bias." no! no! uh-uh! no! nuh-uh. facts aren't bias! that's like saying, "based on the flames and the screaming, i think you're on fire. then again, i may have a seeing and smelling bias. but hey, do your own research." ( laughter ) meanwhile, "sexy lingerie for men is here." um... excuse me? sexy lingerie for men has been here. ( laughter ) turns out-- ( cheers and applause ) turns out designers are thinking outside the boxers, and now "lacey thongs and sheer undergarments designed for men's bodies are shaking up the traditional lingerie market." okay, but don't shake it too hard, or something's going to pop out of there. we'll be right back with hugh laurie! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing )
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shop now at olay.com fanduel and draftkings, two out of state corporations making big promises to californians. what's the real math behind their ballot measure for online sports betting? 90% of profits go to the out of state corporations permanently. only eight and a half cents is left for the homeless. and in virginia, arizona, and other states, fanduel and draftkings use loopholes to pay far less than was promised. sound familiar?
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it should. it's another bad scheme for california. ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! welcome back. ( cheers and applause ) ladies and gentlemen-- ( cheers and applause ) my guest tonight, for you-- ( cheers and applause )
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my guest tonight is an actor, musician, and writer you know from "house," "the night manager," and "veep." he has just adapted an agatha christie novel, "why didn't they ask evans?" which he also directs and stars in. please welcome back to "the late show," hugh laurie! ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: there you go. >> thank you. beautiful people. >> stephen: it's so nice to have you back. >> it's so good to be back. >> stephen: welcome back to the states, because you-- >> thank you. >> stephen: how long were you over in london? >> well, it seems like-- well, i've lost track of time. i have no idea how long i was-- >> stephen: 2020 was the last time you could easily get back over here. >> yeah, i know, so--
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it's been a couple of years. >> stephen: it's been a couple of years, okay. so, do you enjoy being back? i mean... >> i love it! i absolutely love it. i had a very tough time getting back in. >> stephen: to the united states? >> yeah. >> stephen: why are we keeping hugh laurie out? >> getting in here. >> stephen: why are we keeping you out? >> because i had neglected to observe that a green card is-- expires. ( laughter ) i just, i didn't read it. i didn't read the small print, and it expires, and then i-- i thought, oh, i better get another one, and they said, yeah, it will take about a week. and four-- three to four months went by, and i started to panic. i started to panic about tonight. i thought, i'm not going to make it, to see you. >> stephen: is this the first thing you're doing, here in the states? >> just about. sure. >> stephen: just about-- that means it's not. >> no, no, no, i mean-- ( laughter ) i mean, i did some things yesterday. is that okay? >> stephen: okay. no, ah, okay. ( laughter ) i mean, there is nothing i can do about it now, so-- >> no, there isn't. >> stephen: --i guess i have to say that's fine. ( laughter ) because i'm the host.
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and you're the guest, and it would seem rude if i got upset. >> and i'm just-- i am just trampling over all your courtesies. >> stephen: not at all. not at all. because, did you have a good time on "fallon?" ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) (♪ piano riff ♪) just, he's a great guy. i love him. we're good friends. i just want to know. how about new york specifically? do you like the big apple? >> i... do. i-- i-- ( laughter ) no, i'm sorry, no, no. >> stephen: no, that's okay. >> no, that was very rude for me to hesitate. no, i'll tell you, what i mean is, i think new york-- you would agree with this, i'm sure-- that new york is more enjoyable if you see it with a new yorker. if you come on your own, as i have done, and it feels-- it can be intimidating. you know. >> stephen: oh, very intimidating when i first came. >> and it feels to me like there are five million people have been invited to a party, that i have not been invited to. that's what it feels like. ( laughter ) >> stephen: and they are all on their way to it. >> they're on their way, and they're late. ( laughter )
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and somehow it's my fault that they're late. >> stephen: sure. >> and they're just so furious with me. >> stephen: and london's not like that at all? no one, like, gets furious at you for, like, walking in the middle of the sidewalk or anything like that. >> i don't think-- i don't think-- no, it's not moving at the same pace as new york is. and the buildings aren't as big. >> stephen: and that's it. >> so it's not-- so it's not-- so you don't feel as small in london. >> stephen: okay. >> relatively. to a five-story building. you know, that, that's the scale i'm used to. >> stephen: i understand. >> you come to an 80-story building and you feel like just a little, tiny person. >> stephen: right, yeah. >> that reveals some weird stuff about me, i know. ( laughter ) >> stephen: we'll get into that at the next session. go progress today, and let st follow that feeling the next time we're together. okay? ( laughter and applause ) >> absolutely. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: we have to take a quick break, but we'll be right back with more mr. hugh laurie, everybody. stick around. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing )
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! we're back with the director and star of "why didn't they ask evans?" on britbox, mr. hugh laurie. i want to talk about this new series that is available here in the states on britbox. >> yes. >> stephen: and, i-- i already have britbox, i already know britbox, because i'm married to a wild anglophile.
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evie absolutely loves you brits. and, i'm fine with you all, but she absolutely loves you guys. and you have adapted, directed, and starred in a new mini-series called "why didn't they ask evans?" from the 1934 agatha christie novel. i've never read this novel. >> good. >> stephen: i assume-- what do you mean, why good? >> no, i mean it's good because the story will therefore-- >> stephen: be very fresh. >> yeah, exactly. >> stephen: because it's true to the story, true to the novel. >> yeah. >> stephen: did you-- is this a long-time love of yours? did you read this as a kid or something? >> there is-- it sort of is a long-time love.h central device of the plot-- and this is what agatha christie did better than any writer before or since. the mystery plot at the center of it, i still think is one the most beautiful things ever. it makes me shiver, even now, remembering the first time i read it. i mean, when i was very young. >> stephen: about how old? >> well, you know, people always like to boast about how young they were, how precocious they were. i was four. ( laughter )
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>> stephen: oh, you went to cambridge. you went to cambridge, right? >> late fours. ( laughter ) and i absolutely loved it. and i-- and this central mystery is so beautifully revealed, it's so beautifully worked out. but i also fell in love with the main-- one of the main characters, the character of frankie derwent, played by lucy boynton. who was my first, sort of crush really, as a young lad. i fell in love with this-- with a fictional character. >> stephen: wow. this is, it's a great character, and a wonderful actress playing her, too. >> she's astonishing. >> stephen: and the show is just-- i mean, i don't know how to give it proper adjectives. it's a great mystery, it's funny, it's charming. it's just an absolute delight. i've watched one episode. there are only three. i saved it because i want to watch the rest with evie, because again, she is weak for you people. ( laughter ) if i had a british accent, oh, wouldn't that be lovely? it would be like-- it would be like me having abs.
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that's how much-- ( laughter ) that's how much she loves you people. ( applause ) >> yeah, accents and abs. ( laughter and applause ) >> stephen: now, we have a clip here. it's a murder mystery. would you happen to know, can you explain what is happening in this clip? you're in this clip. >> am i? >> stephen: yes. >> ah. >> stephen: director. >> excellent. ( laughter ) >> stephen: yes. >> yes, this is where lucy boynton, her character frankie derwent, has inveigled herself into the house-- >> stephen: she's done what? >> inveigled. >> stephen: inveigled! >> we will be working on that in lesson three. ( laughter ) she has talked her way in, to the household of the principal suspect, and this very sinister character, who is actually a psychiatrist, turns up, played by-- well, i was all they could get. ( laughter ) so, played by me. this is the character of dr. james nicholson, who immediately has suspicions about her. what she's doing there, and why. he smells a rat. and that's this scene.
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>> stephen: jim, inveigle us. >> frankie. i would like you to meet moira nicholson. and this is dr. nicholson. >> how do you do? i've heard a lot about you. >> and i, you. >> really? i doubt that. >> you would be surprised. your accident caused quite a stir in the village. >> well, you know, that's how i like my villages. >> perhaps because it was not an accident. (♪ sinister music ♪) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: very tense. suspense and tension. we have to take a quick break, but when we come back, i will ask hugh about 57 pieces of mail that he sent me. stick around. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing )
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody. we're back here with national treasure hugh laurie. hugh? >> yeah. >> stephen: let's get down to
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brass tacks here. the reason i have you here-- as much as i've enjoyed talking to you. the reason i have you here is because, in christmas of 2016, that year in 2016, you came onto one of our live election shows, and you were lovely, a wonderful guest, and i was very grateful to you, so i gave you a present. and the next time you were on, i talked to you about that present, and we have a clip here of me talking to you about it. jim? >> stephen: i was so grateful that you came that night, because doing a live-- one of these shows live is totally different than doing one of these right now. >> for sure, sure. >> stephen: there's, like, much greater pressure. >> right, right. >> stephen: and i noticed, that afternoon, you were driving around, here on the stage, when you were here that afternoon, a little segway-- a little nine-bot segway that i have. >> yes. >> stephen: and i-- so, you know, i was so grateful that i sent you one of these for christmas that year. >> yeah. >> stephen: and i was wondering if you ever got it, because i never got a thank you note. ( laughter ) and, before you-- before you answer-- i know you got it, because i got the notice that it had been
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delivered. that's you, hugh laurie. hugh laurie, down here, beverly hills, and up here it says, yeah, yeah, good news, it's been delivered. ( laughter ) so, i got you a present this year, a little early. it's-- it's stationary. ( laughter ) >> stephen: so, clearly, i'm a jerk for calling you out on that when you were here. >> not at all. >> stephen: no, clearly i am. >> not at all. >> stephen: no, clearly i am. but my fave-- one of the favorite things that's ever happened in human history is that i gave you that actual stationary, and, what no one knows is that, that next week, and almost two or three times a week for the next six months, you sent me thank you notes. ( laughter ) >> i did. ( cheers and applause ) i did. >> stephen: we counted. it's 57 thank you notes in all. they're not long. some of them are just-- most of
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them are just one sentence. and i have them all right here. ( laughter ) and they tell a little story. and i was hoping you would do us the favor of reading the thank you notes to us, and just-- do you need?-- for just, "dear stephen" on the first one, and after that, you can just do the message of the note. if you don't mind. so-- are you okay with this? >> yes. >> stephen: so, ladies andti recitation by hugh laurie of the 57 thank you notes-- ( cheers and applause ) --that i received. maestro, action. >> "dear stephen, thank you for my segway. it is perfect for writing 'thank you' on. hugh." with a kiss, actually, that one. "thank you for my thank you cards, they are perfect for writing thank you on." ( laughter ) "thank you for having me on 'the late show'." "thank you for having 'the late show'." ( laughter )
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"thank you for everything else." "thank you for reading these cards." "thanking the hell out of you." ( laughter ) "i hope this finds you well." a little bit desperate now. "i am well." ( laughter ) >> stephen: and now the cards change. we are out of the stationary i gave you, and we've moved on to new stationary. >> "apart from-- i am well, apart from a slight headache." "it's gone now." "is this annoying yet?" "i hoped it wouldn't get annoying until the summer." "advice-- shall i get the blue or the green?" "i didn't hear back, so i got both." ( laughter and applause ) "i don't like these cards as much." "because they're not from you." ( audience awws ) "thank you for that very funny
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bit." "thank you for this beautiful morning." "i'm still thanking you." ( laughter ) "i know this stopped being a funny a while back." ( laughter ) "but i thought if i keep going, it might get funny again." ( laughter ) "have you thought of consulting a lawyer?" "i am thinking of you right now." "i have a pain in my knee today." "my accountant thinks these cards might be deductible." ( laughter ) "i told him i don't want to deduct my thanks." "i mean, seriously, what's it all for?" "oh, sure, you may say to build a better world, but really?" ( laughter ) i must have been losing my mind! ( laughter ) "if i suddenly stop writing, will you worry?" ( laughter ) "thank you." "let not the sword sleep in your hand... and thanks." "my elbow hurts."
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"not from writing to you, but awantgo t ( laughter ) "the doctor says it's tennis elbow. i said, better call it card- elbo ( laughter ) "why tennis, though? why not bull-fighters elbow, or stuntman's elbow?" "gracias." ( laughter ) "i think i can hear a noise outside. probably nothing." "i'm starting to wonder about life. my life." "is sean hannity a happy man?" ( laughter ) "how do you feel when people spell your name with a 'v'?" "annoyed, i bet." "although it's a bit quicker,
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i suppose." "thank you for the moon and stars." what is going on? "i'm going on vacation." have you had enough of this yet? ( laughter ) "there it is again." "hold on, i think there's someone on the roof." "there was. now he's in the house, asking for valuables." "ion't have vas. at sha i thim?"- ( laughter ) "he says i have to get in the van." "i am chained to a bed frame." "i now belong to the people's revolutionary front." "i don't mean-- i don't mean i agree with their views, but i am now their property."
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"the food is okay, if monotonous." "they're asking for $15 million." "kickstarter?" ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: the greatest thank you-- the greatest thank you of all time. hugh laurie! "why didn't they ask evans?" is available now on the britbox streaming service. hugh laurie, everybody. we'll be right back with a performance by idles. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing )
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♪ ♪ thousands of women with metastatic breast cancer... are living in the moment and taking ibrance. ibrance with an aromatase inhibitor is for postmenopausal women or for men with hr+/her2- metastatic breast cancer as the first hormonal based therapy. ibrance plus letrozole significantly delayed disease progression versus letrozole. ibrance may cause low white blood cell counts that may lead to serious infections. ibrance may cause severe inflammation of the lungs. both of these can lead to death. tell your doctor if you have new or worsening chest pain, cough, or trouble breathing. before taking ibrance, tell your doctor if you have fever, chills, or other signs of infection,... liver or kidney problems, are or plan to become pregnant, or are breastfeeding. for more information about side effects talk to your doctor.
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only yl save co taxpmo me? no, not you. yvonne yiu. yvonne yiu. not me. good choice. for 25 years, yiu worked as an executive at top financial firms. managed hundreds of audits. as mayor, she saved taxpayers over $55 million.
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finding waste. saving money. because... yiu is for you. yiu is for you. exactly. yvonne yiu. democrat for controller. >> stephen: they are playing coachella tomorrow. performing "crawl" from their album, "crawler," idles! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ so live some way up ♪ so tired some lay up ♪ i a bleeder oh, i yearn ♪ high seer so k up ♪ hold the phone put the call in ♪ oh, no
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i'm falling ♪ for a bore appalling ♪ i'm nah so foreign ♪ "hot damn, i'm feeling good!" said the liar to the ♪ congregation and i know i'm not what i should ♪ that's why i'm smashing my pretty face in ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ and yeah i'm on my knees for porcelain ♪ 'cause it felt like god to me and yeah, i'm a craw-craw- crawler ♪ crawling hurts but it works for me ♪ i'm alright i'm alright ♪ i'm alright i'm alright ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ so sure so heater ♪ so pure so beat up ♪ so i
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so way up ♪ so far seven-seater ♪ oh no i'm a sleeper ♪ don't go long teether ♪ blind fold gold seeker ♪ i'm told old feeder ♪ "hot damn, i'm feeling good!" said the liar to the ♪ congregation and i know i'm not what i should ♪ that's why i'm smashing my pretty face in ♪ and yeah i'm on my knees for porcelain ♪ 'cause it felt like god to me and yeah, i'm a craw-craw- crawler ♪ crawling hurts but it works for me ♪ i'm alright i'm alright ♪ i'm alright i'm alright ♪ i'm feeling magni-fique i'm feeling magni-fique
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♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ i'm on the way ♪ i know it looks bad but i cannot wait ♪ i ride the wave ♪ no rest for the lamb as he goes all day ♪ i'm on the way ♪ i know it looks bad but i cannot wait ♪ i ride the wave ♪ i ride the wave ♪ and i'm on my knees for porcelain ♪ 'cause it felt like god to me and yeah, i'm a craw-craw- crawler ♪ crawling hurts but it works for me ♪ i'm alright i'm alright ♪ i'm alright i'm alright woo! ♪ i'm feeling magni-fique i'm feeling magni-fique ♪
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: idles, everybody! james corden is next. good night. captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by cbs ♪ the late late show oh, oh ♪ the late late show, ooh the late late show ♪ oh, oh it's the late late show ♪

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