tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS January 14, 2022 11:35pm-12:37am PST
francisco there. >> the late show with stephen colbert is next. >> congratulations you played it to your weekend. captioning sponsored by cbs >> in a new laboratory study, researchers found that cannabis compounds prevented covid infection. scientists discovered that the cannabis compounds bound to spike proteins found on the virus and blocked the steps the pathogen uses to infect people. >> rko pictures presents, "reefer wellness." meet phil as he takes his first steps towards viral immunity. watch bill without mask as he locks lips with his covid-free flapper. >> i'm healthy! >> she's dead, but not from covid! >> the ultimate end of the
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no, no. no. >> audience: stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: beautiful. beautiful. thank you, my friends. ♪ ♪ ♪ oh, my goodness. welcome. welcome, my friends, to "the late show." i am your host, stephen colbert. and i want to wish-- ( cheers and applause ) a happy friday to you all. i don't know if you have big weekend plans, but i have huge plans to not do squat, because of the pandemic. which has, of course, fundamentally changed the way we all live. in fact, researchers analyzed americans' google searches for the past two years and found some interesting trends. for example, shortly after the pandemic began, people started to look for new leisure activities, which lead to
a surge of interest in roller skates and card games. oh, no better time to learn roller skating-- the hospitals are all so empty. ( laughter ) more time for chores, people started searching for car parts and power tools. followed quickly by a search for "lost finger in fan belt, comma, how to find." some trends aren't going anywhere any time soon. for example, researchers say a strong demand for tequila and sweatpants are here to stay. ( cheers and applause ) which is-- i don't know. i don't know. i actually think that's a little sad, honestly. two years in, and people are still wearing sweatpants? at home, i'm full winnie the pooh. ( laughter ) of course, some folks are trying to be thoughtful about their pandemic habits, such as friend of the show and self-aware tablecloth, reese witherspoon. ( laughter ) earlier this week, witherspoon instagrammed some habits she's trying to get into, including
start the day with a big glass of water, get 10 minutes of outdoor light. in bed by 10:00 p.m. no late-night tv binges. actually, i don't want to correct you, but the c.d.c. recommends getting at least one hour of late-night tv daily, any time between 11:30 and 12:30 on cbs. i'm not the only one who's skeptical. so is q.c.a. tv chef ina garten, seen here explaining to the narcotics officer, "no, i'm just growing tomatoes." ( laughter ) ina responded to reese's post with her own list of slightly-more-attainable goals: stay up late watching addictive streaming series, stay in bed in the morning playing sudoku instead of reading a good book. and drink more large cosmos. ( cheers and applause ) that's actually a very healthy goal. because for ina, a large cosmo is a step down from her usual. ( laughter )
now, if you're looking for health advice, i'd go to www.nowhere-on-the-internet.ever the web is full of lies about covid, and i'll tell you all about the latest nonsense in tonight's edition of "disinformation station." >> dr. fauci will turn your guns into soy milk. >> stephen: the first bit of crazy comes by way of anti-vax nut job christopher key, seen here in a porn knockoff of "the matrix." ( laughter ) recently, key unveiled his strategy for keeping coronavirus at bay when he urged his followers to drink their own urine to avoid covid. sounds silly, but there is some science to it: if everybody knows you drink your own pee, they'll stay at least six feet away. ( laughter ) ( applause ) here's mr. key making his case: >> the antidote that we have seen now-- and we have tons and tons of research-- is urine
therapy. okay, and i know to a lot of you this sounds crazy but, guys, god's given us everything we need. everybody always said i'm cray-cray, and i am, but i'm crazy like a fox, okay? >> stephen: actually, foxes don't drink their own urine, but if it helps, you're definitely crazy enough to be on fox. ( laughter ) ( applause ) chris key-- apse ) chris key was careful to not oversell his credentials: >> i'm not a medical doctor. i'm not telling anyone to drink their own urine, but i drink my own urine, and i've drank my own urine for the last 23 years, and i'm still alive. >> stephen: i think this is a good time to point out, just because something doesn't kill you, doesn't mean you should do it. every day for three decades, i've shot myself in the taint with a staple-gun. still alive. i just wish i was dead. but don't worry, key assured his fans that he doesn't only drink uine:
>> and i drink bleach. ( laughter ) >> stephen: wait a second, urine and chlorine. i know what's going on here. are you just drinking the contents of a public swimming pool? ( as chris key ) "ya know what else is good for you? loose bandaids." lastly covid-19 is bringing back one of the oldest and strangest fake cures, colloidal silver. hre's how it works: it doesn't. but that hasn't stopped right wingers like candace owens from promote, it. >> i take colloidal silver every single day. i love colloidal silver. that is a great one and probably another one people know nothing about. >> stephen: people know nothing about that one and when it comes to knowing nothing, she's an expert. those who do know about colloidal silver know one of the side effects can be argyria, which can turn one's skin the shade of blue-gray.
forget nicki minaj's friend. take this stuff and you can have actual blue balls. jimmy, do we have a photo of somebody who actually turned themselves lue with cull colloidal silver? >> i have to say that new avatar sequel does not look good. speaking of scam artists, it has been a while since we have heard from mike lindell. lindell has been clinging to his belief that the 2020 election was rigged tighter than he clings to his pillow. and in an interview recently, he made an extraordinary claim about how many folks are involved. >> i'm more optimistic today than i have been yesterday, the day before that. i'm on an incline like this. why? because it's so amazing, all the things that we have. we already have all the pieces of the puzzle. when you talk about evidence, we have enough evidence to put everybody in prison for life, 300-and-some-million people. >> stephen: 300 million
people? that's over 90% of the country this conspiracy doesn't just go all the way to the top. it goes to the bottom and the sides. there are 332 million people in america, including kids. so if you do the math, the number of people that lindell has identified as culpable here is every american aged seven and up. ( applause ) so-- there you go. so, sorry, six-year-olds: your parents, grandparents, and older siblings are all going to jail for life. you're on your own. here's the conch, get piggy. clearly, 300 million of us will be going to prison-- the pillow salesman said so. i gotta start working out, get all prison hard. when we do get there, it's going to be a bit cramped, because the federal prison population is about 158,000 at the moment, meaning that each currently serving prisoner would now need to share their cell with 1,900 other people.
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♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ( applause ) >> stephen: jon batiste and stay human, everybody. ( applause ) >> stephen: jon, happy friday. >> jon: happy friday. >> stephen: happy friday to you. it's a lovely feeling, a lovely feeling, you've gotten through another week, take a moment to reflect. >> jon: that's right. >> stephen: settle down. got a fantastic show. from "billions," corey stoll is here. bradley cooper is taking the
colbert questionert tonight. >> jon: he will be known after that. >> stephen: he will be fully known after that. >> jon: that's right. >> stephen: i bet he's going to be good at it. he's really good at a lot of things. and those blue eyes-- i feel like i need to get on scuba gear before i look at those eyes. it's like cave diving. it's almost dangerous to go in there. i feel i might lose direction and get caught in there. anyway, wish me luck. folks, i spend a lot of time right over there, combing through the day's news, carefully selecting the most topical, fragrant herbs and joke-rich allium, delicately stirring them into a satirical stock, bringing the concoction to a breaking news boil before painstakingly editing away the scraps, leaving only the purest, nutrient-rich consomme of comedy that is my nightly monologue. but sometimes, i sweat myself awake inside a deflated bouncy castle at a defunct amusement park, i break into a combination gas station/pizza hut where i throw together whatever old hot dogs and repurposed cheese product i can get my chapped and cracking hands on. and there, by the cruel light of a pizza warming drawer, i drown the mixture in a can of
discontinued surge from 2002 before straining it through a grease-soiled beard net to create the festering mop bucket sour mash of news that is my segment: >> meanwhile! ( applause ) >> stephen: right there. it's a life raft-- a life raft for america. meanwhile, megan fox and machine gun kelly drank each other's blood and are now engaged. is that how the kids are doing it now? back in my day, when you wanted to propose, you took a lady out to dinner, pulled the waiter aside and tipped him to slip the blood into the tiramisu. ( laughter ) fox explained their love, calling kelly her swin flame, one soul in two different bodies. and after that engagement, one case of hep-c. ( laughter )
meanwhile, the post office just delivered a letter from an american soldier in germany. it was 76 years late. wow, that poor family has waited 76 years to find out how the war's going. the nazis are the bad guys? ( laughter ) not everyone today remembers that. meanwhile, unfortunately, jason momoa and lisa bonet have split up. evidently, they did not drink enough of each other's blood. ( laughter ) meanwhile, the portland pickles baseball club canceled a twitter takeover with their mascot after a picture he tweeted was misinterpreted as him showing fans another part of his pickled anatomy. ( laughter ) are they saying, a dill pic? i don't buy it. how dare anyone imply that there's anything phallic about
this giant pickle-headed pickle. but, fine, if people insist on seeing something dirty everywhere, let's take a look. okay. there you go. let's toss that pickle back in the barrel. that gherkin is not kosher. so that photo went up yesterday at 4:45 p.m. at 4:49 p.m., the baseball team announced: we have ended our mascot takeover. it's come to our attention that ths photo can be misinterpreted as a disturbing image. dillon would like to go on record and say that he was trying to give his fans a thumbs up. ( applause ) okay. really? that's a thumbs up? the camera is pointed at his crotch, and the rest of his hand is cropped out. when you're doing a gesture, the placement of the hand is really important. there's a reason nixon didn't give the peace sign like this. ( laughter ) ( applause )
>> jon: oh, my goodness! oh, my goodness! >> stephen: i'm going to have to whet my whistle on that one. meanwhile, the t.s.a. just released its list of unusual confiscated items of 2021. i assume the top item on the list is my dignity. nothing crushes the spirit like getting your junk knuckle-dusted in front of 700 people. among the items on the t.s.a.'s confiscated list: bear spray, a machete, fireworks, and a chainsaw. who is still so unclear on airplane rules that they think they're getting a chainsaw through security? it'll be fine. i'll just slip it into that little bowl. but my favorite item on the t.s.a.'s list of confiscated items: a meth burrito. still better for you than taco bell. ( laughter ) meanwhile, crocs estimates its
revenue surged 67% last year. consumers stuck at home over the past 18 months ditched dress shoes for more comfortable footwear, which explains their new slogan: crocs: shhh, just give up. ( laughter ) when we come back, bradley cooper takes the colbert questionert. right there! ♪ ♪ ♪ ( applause ) maybe we mcgriddles lovers have done a bad job of relaying this, but there are pockets... of syrupy goodness... hidden... in the mcgriddles cakes. ♪ ba da ba ba ba ♪ [upbeat acoustic music throughout] [upbeat acoustic in music throughout]kes.
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♪ ♪ ♪ ( applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody, i'm back here with the star of "nightmare alley," bradley cooper. you know, bradley, i always have a great time talking to you. >> me, too. >> stephen: you're intelligent, interesting, interested in your own projects, and always have a unique perspective on your work, and also present beautiful work to the world. but even for all of that, the fact that we only get to talk like this for, say, 15 minutes at a time, means i never truly get to know you. it happens with so many guests i'd like to know better. when is why the scientists at "late show" labs" have come up with 15 questions they hold in my hand right here, that when asked of a star, plumb the depth
of that man or woman's soul, at the end of which they are known fully. are you prepared to take the colbert questionert? >> yes, sir. ♪ ♪ ♪ >> stephen: question number one, bradley cooper: what is the best sandwich? >> onion mozzarella sandwich on white bread that my grandfather used to make. >> stephen: what'the one thing you own that you should really throw out? >> my truck. ( laughter ) >> stephen: what kind of truck are we talking about? >> the mercedes g-55. i should probably get rid of it. >> stephen: something wrong with it? >> well, it's a lot of gas, a lot of gas. >> stephen: what is the scariest animal? >> the kimodo dragon. i'm just doing the top of my head, right, is that how it works. >> stephen: you spend more time on the island of kimodo, than most people. >> it can eat a cow, can't it,
in one gulp. anyway. >> stephen: apples or oranges. >> apples. >> stephen: yes. have you ever asked someone for their autograph? >> yes, tug mcgra. i was eight. it was the ford dealership behind my house. >> stephen: every answer we've gotten is a male star asking for a sports figure. >> really? >> stephen: yes. so you're not so unique. ( laughter ) what do you think happens when we die? >> oh, man. you tell me. >> stephen: there are these pearly gates... ( laughter ) favorite action movie. >> requested blade runner." is it an action movie? >> stephen: yes. window orile? >> window. ( applause ). >> stephen: so you never have to go to the bathroom on a flight. >> if i do, it's okay. "excuse me, sorry." i can do it.
>> stephen: favorite smell? >> like-- that's a good question. >> stephen: it's a scientific questionnaire. >> my first thing, i didn't know what it was, the smell of daisy or something, and thin went right to pizza. so i don't know what that says. >> stephen: good taste. least-favorite smell? >> poo. >> stephen: most used app on your phone. >> oh, man. app on my phone... you know, i don't know. app on my phone... i don't know, man. >> stephen: do you do tiktok? >> no. >> stephen: do you look at twitter? >> i'm on no social media. >> stephen: the weather app? >> okay, the weather. ( applause ) >> stephen: cats or dogs? >> dogs! ( applause ) i love animals, but dogs, man. >> stephen: you only get one song to listen to the for the rest of your life?
>> gustav mueller's resurrection. >> stephen: you got any in you? >> we don't have any instruments for that? >> stephen: all right, what number am i thinking of. >> 8. >> stephen: no. >> two. >> stephen: you only get one answer. there are no mulligans. describe the rest of your life in five words. >> oh, man. that's two. ( laughter ) yes, that's five. that's two. yes. >> stephen: bradley cooper, thank you so much. you are fully known. bradley cooper, everybody. "nightmare alley" and "licorice pizza." go see them. we'll be right back. ♪ ♪ ♪ ( applause )
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♪ ♪ ♪ >> stephen: nice to see you again. thanks for being back, man. >> thanks for having me back. >> stephen: also nice to have a true stage actor here on this broadway stage of the ed sullivan theater, a man who can appreciate a crowd like this. >> it really touches my heart. i haven't been on a stage in two years, and it's just a beautiful, a beautiful place to be. >> stephen: but right before-- ( applause ) right before covid closed everything down, you were playing mcbeth. >> indeed. >> stephen: where were you doing this? >> at c.s.c. downtown. >> stephen: and classic
shakespeare. >> classic stage company. >> stephen: classic stage company. your wife, was playing lady macbeth. here you guys are right there. and all-- that's the first "aw" that lady macbeth has ever gotten. "aw, she's telling him to murder the king." what was it like for the two of you as an actual husband and wife to play this-- i mean, next to romeo and juliette, maybe the most famous couple in shakespeare. >> yes, and just as tragically. it was a delight. i mean that "aw" that you got, it fits the whole viep of what the experience was when we did it. there was a lot of trepidation at the beginning, like, do we want to do this? do we want to bring this kind of energy into our marriage? >> stephen: do you have kids? >> yeah, we have a young boy. >> stephen: okay. >> he's six now, he was four then. >> stephen: did he see the performance? >> no, he came-- he saw a fight
call once, where you go through all the fights. >> stephen: sure, sure. >> just to make sure it's still in your body. and he thought that was pretty cool. >> stephen: you have done a fair amount of shakespeare. "julius caesar" an"otello w youfirnter shakespeare?av done a fair amount. when did you first meet shakespeare? >> as it were? >> my dad was a junior high school english teacher growing up-- when i was growing up, not when he was growing up. and he would, you know, take the students to all these great off-broadway productions and i would tag along. and, yeah, even like starting at a really young age, nine, 10, seeing shakespeare and not getting the-- you know, hardly any of it. >> stephen: do you remember the first thing you saw? >> i think it was a "hamlet." i think i was like 10, and "hamlet" and the ghost, zero budget production, and the ghost was a flashlight up against the
wall. and i was mermerrized. i thought it was super cool. >> stephen: your latest film is actually shakespeare related, "west side story" which is, of course, a modern take on "romeo and juliette." ( applause ) and you play lieutenant shrank. was the this first time you worked with stephen spielberg? >> yes. >> stephen: i hear he's good. what was that experience like? >> he's got a future. he's got a future. he-- you know, he is-- he loves what he's doing, every moment of what he's doing when he's on set. you get a sense that he would-- wouldn't rather be anywhere else in the world. so it was-- and the whole-- i had never seen an ensemble like that. i come from know-- quote, unquote-- legit theater-- no singing. and i think there's a certain snobbery with that, and we think of, you know, musical theater
people as, like, catty and, you know, really competitive. and it couldn't have been more different. it was the most, like, loving, supportive -- >> stephen: do you sing in it? >> no! >> stephen: really? >> no, you wouldn't want to see that, no. i wish-- i wish i could add value by singing to the show, but... >> stephen: okay, you're also in "billions." and you play a billionaire banker. and is it fun to play a billionaire? do you get nice clothes? and is it nice locations and everything? because i imagine it's, you know, more comfortable than playing a dustbowl okie. >> yeah, yeah. the clothes are incredible. but, you know, after-- you know, we were filming and we had to shut down for the pandemic, and then we wait aid year -- >> stephen: how far were you into the season? >> we were about eight episodes in and we had about four left. and, you know, i had been
wearing pajamas,s like the rest of the world, for a sure. >> stephen: sure, if you're lucky. >> and then, you know, coming back into these structured suits was-- it was a little-- it was a rude awakening. >> stephen: we have a clip here. can you tell me what's happening? it's you and... >> paul giamatti. >> stephen: exactly. >> who plays chuck rhoades, who is the new york state attorney general. i think it's self-explanatory. i sort of betray him at the end of the last season, and i try to make amendz. >> stephen: all right, jim. >> so you've become a modern day, leaving matters of state for the plow. >> i really needed a break, a recharge. >> i imagine you feel there's unfinished business with me. but i'm unlike the man who came before me. i will never give you a legal opening, because i do not break the law. >> billionaires break the laws
of decency, even while obeying the letter. >> by definition, having that much is criminal. >> a point much open to debate. but i can be your ally. >> stephen: now-- ( applause ) fairly recently-- i don't know if it's been one year-- fairly recently there was a powerball out there that was $600 million. it might still-- i don't know if anybody has won it yet. did you ever fantasize about winning the lottery? what would you do with a billion yourself? >> i'm, like, a very bad fantasizer about getting rich. well, whenever the lottery gets really high, i-- i have a little moment of fantasizing about it. and then i think oh, i'd get a really nice apartment, and i'd, you know, invite my whole family to some tropical island. and then the shame spiral begins
and i think about all the other people that should have that money. and even this just exercise in fantasy, i-- it-- i ruin it. ( laughter ) >> stephen: i'm so sorry for you. >> i know. doesn't that suck. >> stephen: well, in that case, for your own sake, i hope you never get $1 billion. >> thank you. >> stephen: i wouldn't want you to feel that. >> i wouldn't know what to do with it. >> stephen: corey, so lovely to see you again. thank you for being here season six of "billions" premieres january 23 on showtime. corey stoll, everybody. we'll be right back. or fun. daring, or thoughtful. sensitive, or strong. progress isn't either or progress is everything.
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♪ ♪ ♪ ( applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! welcome back. to the show-gram. folks, every night, every night before taping i come out here and take questions from the audience. no question is too personal, no answer is too dumb. and we record all of that for you to watch. jim. ( cheers and applause ). yes, sir, right there. >> you are right about so many things, but when are you going to admit you're wrong about
south carolina barbecue. >> stephen: are you from north carolina. baby, i'm as sorry as i can be. you guys got a lot going for you. i love the mountains, i love the outer banks. i have a lot of friends from north carolina. don't get me wrong. and i'm sorry as i can be, but that ( bleep ) that you call barbecue... ( laughter ) ( applause ) here's the thing-- it's good. it's good and then you put that vinegar sauce on it and ruin perfectly good-- why don't you just rub mayonnaise on it? >> that goes on a hot dog, not barbecue. >> stephen: i will see you in hell. in the way back. .when i'm up here what do i misabout down there? i like to fish. i like being on the water. i miss the better stars at night. i miss... people know how to cook shrimp down there.
man. if you're from shrimp country-- and, jon, you know, if you're from shrimp country, and you go somewhere and they don't know how to cook shrimp, you wonder what did they do to these beautiful shrimp. you have to be so gentle with the shrimp. you have to ease them into the steam. and people down there know not to serve the shrimp with a tail on if there's a sauce involved. if there's a sauce involved i'm supposed to go in with my bare hands and take off the tail. there's nowhere anybody is dumb enough to leave the tail on if there's a sauce. i'm furious! i'm mad. anybody? yes, sir, in the front row. >> you have jon stewart on last week describing the perfect sandwich. my question was not sandwich related. >> stephen: perfect pizza?
the old saying is, "pizza is like sex. even when it's bad, it's pretty good." but i don't know, for me, i go two ways on this-- also just like sex. ( laughter ) ( applause ) i like just plain. i just like it plain. also. ( laughter ) ( applause ) just plain, baby. don't-- don't complicate it. don't complicate it, okay? but if you really want to know, like, if, like, gun to my head what's the pizza i i want, prisciutto and karmallized onion. tat's my jam. that will do it. and that will just put me down. that will put me down like a labrador with hip dysplasia. i'm down. ma'am, right there, i saw you first. >> i'm wondering if you'll reconsider growing your mustache back. ( applause ) >> stephen: okay. let's take a quick vote.
who here is in favor of the mustache? ( cheers and applause ) who here is opposed to the mustache ( louder cheers and applause ) yeah, evie hates it. so that's why it went away. i-- no, no. because then you have this and the goatee and then you look like you're prepping for your viagra commercial. like, i have a dad band or something like that because it's still going to be all white. it's all going to be white. this is not dyed, no matter what high sister says. i'm very gray at the temples, but from here down, anderson cooper. all right, yes, sir? >> stephen, are you excited for the new "lord of the rings"? are you going to be on it as well? >> stephen: i cannot reveal if i'm going to be on the show. i'm super excited about it because they have released one photo so far. it clearly appears to be the city of it, irana pontoona,
where the valor lived with the high elves and the two trees are there. the two trees, one gold and one silver. the light of which was captured in the three silmerals, and stolen by melgorth. and then they fled back to middle earth to go to-- it's not enough. it's not enough. it's not nearly enough. it's not nearly enough. who said that? who said that? okay. you seem like a nice old fella. i'm afraid you're going to have to get the ( bleep ) out. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: we'll be right back with a performance by geese.
( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ some are born with the psychic inflection ♪ catastrophic when they go in the street ♪ it comes to people like you naturally ♪ leaving me blind to all time and all direction ♪ killing your nature just to irritate me ♪ you lie every time you turn away ♪ and you're too naïve to be so petty ♪ you're only choosing what you're gonna say
♪ in the middle of the night, she calls me ♪ and all i know is patience and love for you ♪ pulls me up into the sky when she asks me ♪ what am i gonna do? what am i gonna do? ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ swimming alone in a sea-world wasteland ♪ floating lifeless to the edge of the pool ♪ pulls me up into the sky when she asks me ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ modern magazines and holy scriptures ♪ my play rehearsals all go unheard
♪ love is running a little faster ♪ losing my body with one ancient word ♪ on the hour of my death, the page rips ♪ all is lost and i am left ♪ to rot the beginning of the end ♪ approaches you and i, ♪ we float up to the top i am dead for one moment ♪ i am dead for one moment the lord speaks ♪ for one moment heating up for one moment ♪ swimming alone in a sea-world wasteland ♪ floating lifeless to the edge of the pool
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: geese, everybody that's it for the late show. tune in next week when i'll be joined by senator elizabeth warren, elvis costello, and christine baranski. good night. captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ ♪ ♪ captioning sponsored by cbs ♪ the late late show oh, oh ♪ the late late show, ooh the late late show ♪ oh, oh it's the late late show ♪