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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  October 28, 2020 11:35pm-12:38am PDT

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captioning sponsored by cbs >> let me talk to you about nebraska, which was a stop the president made yesterday. >> supporters were stranded outside of the airport in literally freezing conditions. and there were multiple individuals that were actually taken to the hospital for hypothermia. ♪ ♪
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>> it's "a late show with stephen colbert." tonight: finishing on a high vote. plus, stephen welcomes south carolina senate candidate jaime harrison. and musical guest elvis costello featuring jon batiste and stay homin'.
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and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater office building in new york city, it's stephen colbert! >> stephen: welcome to "a late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. ladies and gentlemen, i rarely say this, and i never mean it, but we have breaking news. just moments before i walked into the studio i'm in right now, i learned something shocking. two years ago-- you may remember, the new york times published an op-ed called "i am part of the resistance: inside the trump administration" by somebody known only as "anonymous." people have been guessing who this ever since it was released. well, this afternoon anonymous was revealed and it's miles teller. star of "whiplash," the beloved "fantastic four" series, and the upcoming "top gun" reboot. i have no idea how miles teller got such intimate details of
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classified information-- maybe tom cruise told him-- but the trump administration has got to be reeling right now from-- i'm sorry, what? and i'm being told it's not miles teller. then who is it? miles taylor? who's that? ( laughter ) the guy from d.h.s. who left like a year ago and already endorsed joe biden? well, that's not news. that's ridiculous-- call me when miles teller does something. that kid's got heat. sorry. this is why i never say "breaking news." i over-reacted, in that i reacted at all. that's on me. i apologize, let's go on. where was i? coffee. one second. ( laughter ) right, okay, yeah. it is october 28, the final wednesday before the presidential election, or, depending on who wins, the final wednesday.
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because emotions are running high, and so are the vote totals, because with six days still to go, thanks to early voting, more than half the total 2016 vote is already in. that's pretty impressive. but if 2016 taught us anything, it's that "more than half" sometimes isn't enough. so far, biden is off to a good start, in part because 2020 has been a record-shattering year for early voting among young people. that is dope to the wap, my tubular younglings! ( laughter ) this campaign has gone on for an eternity. and 2020 is projected to be most expensive u.s. election ever, with spending as high as $14 billion. and that's "before" you count money for booze and zoom sessions with my psychic. who's going to win, esmerelda? most of the campaign cash has gone to tv ads. and thanks to a new report, we're learning some more about what tv shows the candidates are advertising on.
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there's a lot of similarities. both campaigns are running a lot of ads on reruns of "the big bang theory." that's a little surprising. trump's no fan of science. but so far no one's made "the big bang is a chinese hoax." but the campaigns have been targeting some different audiences. for instance, trump has prioritized reruns of "the andy griffith show," which ran from 1960 to 1968. not to be outdone, biden started advertising on the "train entering the station" channel. "i was on that train. got into a fistfight with one of the lumiere brothers. release the director's cut! come on, jacques!" but there's one show that trump has put a lot of ad dollars into that kind of surprised me. because trump has aired almost 1,200 commercials on "the late show with stephen colbert." wow. has he seen how i talk about him
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on this show? well, i guess it wouldn't be the first time trump's paid someone to spank him. ( "groove is in the heart" ) >> this slam paid for by donald trump slam! >> stephen: on the rally front, trump is spending his time shoring up states he won in 2016. yesterday, trump was in michigan, where he said something a little odd for a sitting president. >> i don't sound like a politician because i'm not a politician. i never wanted to be a politician. >> stephen: that sentiment was okay four years ago. but now knrur the politician. that's like your surgeon looking at you right before you go under and saying, ( as surgeon ) "by the way, i don't sound like a doctor because i'm not a doctor. i never wanted to be a doctor. pokey stick!" but the clip from this rally that's getting a lot of attention is this attempt to appeal to suburban women: >> you know what else? i'm also getting your husbands. they want to get back to work, right? they want to get back to work. we're getting your husbands
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back to work. >> stephen: that's great news, ladies. donald trump is going to get your husbands back to work, so you can get all your lady-chores done, like voting for joe biden. today, before departing for arizona, trump held a quick news conference where he was asked about the recent unrest in philadelphia. and he described the scene in a very donald trump way. >> people are breaking into stores and walking out with washing machines and walking out with all sorts of things, and it shouldn't be allowed. >> stephen: for the record, it's not allowed. and i'll say this: looting is wrong, but if you can walk out of a store carrying a washing machine, i thinnk you should be allowed to keep it, and not just during riots. that should be, like, a blanket policy. like those restaurants where if you can finish the 72-ounce steak, you don't have to pay for it. if you look at the recent covid news, you might want to purell your eyeballs, because it's clear that this virus is going everywhere fast. especially in states that trump desperately needs, like texas.
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in el paso, the number of admitted covid patients has more than tripled over the past three weeks, forcing doctors to treat some patients in a field hospital in a nearby parking lot. that is terrible. the only things that should happen in a parking lot are parking, selling pumpkins, and getting high with a bong you made out of a pumpkin. here's how bad it is: while it took our country three months for the first 500,000 cases, the u.s. is now reporting 500,000 new cases just in the past week. clearly, we're a long way from ending the covid-19 pandemic. on the other hand, yesterday, a new white house press release announced that one of trump's biggest accomplishments is ending the covid-19 pandemic. now, while that is clearly insane, declaring victory prematurely is a proud republican tradition. at this point, trump's not just nero fiddling while rome burns, he's nero sending out a press release that says, "you're not on fire."
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i'd say this is donald trump peeing on our leg and telling us it's raining, but he usually pays russian prostitutes to do that. >> i'm donald j. trump and i approved this message. >> stephen: thank you, sir. i can't believe we're getting checks from donald trump. and they cleared. this press release from the mouth of madness was created by the white house's "office of science and technology policy," and if you're wondering just how "science" they are, one of the other major accomplishments they tout is, "understanding our planet." ( as trump ) "look, i get the planet better than anyone. it's blue and it's green, heaven is up, hell is down, it's shaped like a meatball, and the whole thing revolves around me." but there are some quotes from leading academic minds in this document. one says, "president trump's policies and investments in science and technology ensure america stands ready to solve today's most pressing challenges"-- an endorsement that comes from world-renowned scientist ivanka trump. ( laughter )
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don't believe me? here she is in a lab a few years back, distilling pure crap. no one is buying it. even an official on trump's own covid task force said, "it's mind-boggling. there's no world in which anyone can think that statement is true. maybe the president. but i don't see how even he can believe that." it's easy. just consult his closest medical adviser-- dexamethasone hallucinations. >> covid's gone away and donald trump has washboard abs. >> stephen: get out of here! get out of here! last night the l.a. dodgers beat the tampa bay raises in game six to win the world series. congratulationsing to the dodgers, who haven't won the big one since the 80s when their uniform looked like this. bit there is one thing about last night's game, it was interesting. during the eighth inning,
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sylvester turner was pulled out with now explanation opinion was he injured? was he traded? was he finally swallowed by his own beard? none of the above. because we later learned that turner took the field while still awaiting the results of "his tuesday morning covid test," but it was only last night that, "right around the bottom of the sixth, the lab returned the news." "which confirmed a positive." nice job, m.l.b. testing. you are officially the only thing slower than baseball. of course, given the diagnosis, turner did the responsible thing and hit the dugout for a hug sesh! "you get the coronavirus! and you. and whose weather watcher are you? i don't care. and then i kiss my own wife. and take off the mask with all the teammates! whooo! don't infect each other, fellas. you are the champs. you get to go to the white
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house. this is the most irresponsible behavior by an athlete since lebron james's pre-game anthrax toss. of course, everyone is suffering under this pandemic. well, almost everyone. because yesterday the internet blew up after discovering that kim kardashian west threw a party for herself and dozens of friends on a private island. any sensible person would want to keep that under wraps... which is why kim kardashian posted it all on twitter, saying "after two weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, i surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could pretend things were normal just for a brief moment in time." and you think that's normal? "yeah, me and my other reality show star siblings took a private jet to a secret island for a couple of weeks. it's just nice to get back into a routine, you know?" and they partied hard. according to kim k.: "we danced, rode bikes, swam near whales, kayaked, watched a movie on the beach, and so much more."
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i assume "so much more" means hunting the waitstaff for sport. i'm just worried they're going to give rich people who do whatever they want on a private island a bad name. ( laughter ) see you soon, richard branson. would you go if branson invited us? would you go. >> yes. >> stephen: legal me you have to go now if he invites us. but in spite of the extravagance of this party, kim managed to stay grounded, tweeting "i realize that for most people, this is something that is so far out of reach right now, so in moments like these, i am humbly reminded of how privileged my life is." yes, because this all screams "humble." it's like mother teresa said: "humility is the mother of all virtues. but the daddy? it's this lambo, baby! vroom, vroom! eat mama t.'s dust!" we've got a great show for you tonight. i'll be talking to south carolina senate candidate jaime harrison and rock legend elvis
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uber and lyft are like every big guy i've ever brought down. prop 22 doesn't "help" their drivers-- it denies them benefits. 22 doesn't help women. it actually weakens sexual harassment laws,
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which are meant to protect them. uber and lyft aren't even required to investigate sexual harassment claims. i agree with the la times: no on 22. uber and lyft want all the power. so, show them the real power is you. vote no on prop 22. ♪ ♪ >> stephen: hey, everybody, welcome back to "a late show." let's say hello to jon batiste. hello, jon. >> jon: hello, stephen. what's the word? what's the word. >> stephen: the word is i'm really looking forward to hearing you and elvis costello perform tonight. >> he is an incredible songwriter and i had a great time working with him. it was a pleasure. >> stephen: he is a genius and he had very nice things to say about you when we talked earlier. >> jon: oh. >> stephen: yeah, yeah, he gload, jon.
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you know what i'm also excited about? tuesday we are live on showtime where we're going to take the whole car scpran drive it over to pay cable for one night because i think norah is going to be sitting in this chair. right? is that what's going on? it's going to be great. and, jon, are you prepared for any eventuality? we have to steel ourselves. we were too raw. we were a raw nerve in 2016. >> jon: that was a lot. that was a lot, ooo, that was a lot. >> stephen: that was a throt process. that was a big old meal of gravel and tar. >> jon: yeah, yeah. we-- we have to prepare our spirit. but i think we're on the right track so, you know, we'll just go into it and believe in the people. >> stephen: that's right. do you have any "believe in the people" music for us? >> jon: oh, my goodness! i would play this other thing, but we'd have to pay for it. ( laughter ) ♪ ♪
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>> stephen: jon batiste, ladies and gentlemen. thank you, jon. >> jon: yay! come on! >> stephen: see you tomorrow. folks, trump has trailed in the polls pretty much since he was elected. but the g.o.p. has a plan to get trump more votes: have fewer voters. they've been doing everything they can to make it hard for americans to vote during the pandemic. for example, texas governor greg abbott, seen here trying to make out over zoom. abbott recently issued a ruling that limited election drop boxes to one per county. texas is big. in heavily democratic harris country, essentially means one ballot box for 4.7 million people. but i'm sure it will all stay very orderly as long as voters remember to "take a number." and that's just one state's voter suppression plan. in 36 states, including georgia, voters are expected to show photo i.d. in pennsylvania and wisconsin, republicans are fighting to
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restrict mail-in votes. in mississippi, absentee ballot envelopes must be stamped and signed by a notary public. and in alabama, to cast a ballot, black people have to pull the sword from the voting stone. this is a coordinated effort to stop people from voting all over the country. "the washington post" released a series of videos of closed door conservative machinations, in which one speaker told the group "this is a spiritual battle we are in. this is good versus evil. we have to do everything we can to win." and another said, "be not afraid of the accusations that you're a voter suppressor, you're a racist, and so forth." yes, "be not afraid." clearly, a biblical quote from the "book of douche-oronomy." so is voter suppression just part of the game, or is it inherently evil? here to explain the g.o.p.'s position is republican election strategist, fox news contributor, and founding partner of judicial watch, cobra
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commander. thank you for being here, mr. commander. >> thanks for having me, stephen. hope you and your family are staying safe. >> stephen: thank you. and i'm glad to see that you're also wearing a mask. >> of course! donald trump is a super-spreader! he's cobra's most powerful biological weapon! perhaps if we dropped him in houston's water supply... >> stephen: focus. >> sorry. >> stephen: how do you respond to critics who say the g.o.p.'s election strategy is to suppress as many votes as you can? >> stephen, i'm hurt. my colleagues and i believe every american has the fundamental right to vote-- as long as they can present two forms of photo i.d., a recent utility bill, and a video of their last colonoscopy. bernie sanders could be hiding up there! >> stephen: okay, but don't restrictions like photo i.d. unfairly target certain groups of voters? >> no! we're merely trying to prevent voter fraud.
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>> stephen: but every study has shown that there is no voter fraud. >> see? it's working. because the best way to prevent voter fraud is to skip the "fraud" and just prevent "voter." ooh, what if we put up signs directing them to a polling place which in fact lead them to the edge of a pit full of cyber-scorpions who are trained in the arts-- >> stephen: mr. commander, stay with me. stay with me! if you're just trying to protect the vote, then how do you defend senator mike lee's tweet, "democracy isn't the objective. we want the human condition to flourish. rank democracy can thwart that." >> behold my death ray! >> stephen: what does that have to do with anything? >> nothing. just trying to change the subject. that mike lee guy sounds like a
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cartoon super-villain. i mean, i want to crush the will of the people under my boot, but i'm not a jerk about it! >> stephen: cobra commander, everybody! we'll be right back with south carolina senate candidate, jaime harrison. black friday used to mean deals gone in a flash. that was black friday then. this... is black friday now. target has deals all november. with new deals each week, in-store and on target.com. it's black friday now, at target.
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we'll be right back with elvis she wanted a roommate to help with the cooking.
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♪ ♪ >> stephen: hey, welcome back, everybody. my first guest tonight is in one of the most-watched senate races of the year running against lindsey graham in my home state of south carolina. please welcome jaime harrison! thanks so much for being here. >> hey, stephen. >> stephen: nice to see you again. >> it's going seeing you. thanks for having me on. >> stephen: how is everything back in the palmetto state? >> everything is good. it's busy, the light at the end
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of the tunnel, november 3, is when the big day takes place. we're exciting. >> stephen: how is early voting going in south carolina? >> amazing. we're blowing it out here, stephen. over a million people today voted in south carolina. we doubled what it was in 2016. >> stephen: wow. now i have-- i have followed your run against lindsey since before you were running against lindy, because the word was you were going to run against lindsey. and i don't think i'm the only one who went, "that's great. it's a bit of a long shot." congratulations, already, for how you've proven the possibility of this. now you just have to push over the line, run through the tape. why do you think this is different? why do you think now it's a different south carolina or it's the same south carolina, but it's a different situation for someone running against graham? >> well, stephen, i think partly
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because lindsey graham is different. you know, it's almost-- watching him is like watching a live version of "invasion of the body snatch erdz." who knows who this guy is. the lindsey graham 1.0 is someone we used to like and respect and you thought at the end of the day, he could do what was in the best interest of the people of south carolina. this new guy is only focused on himself. he's only focused on his own political power and political relevance. and the folks in south carolina are hungry for somebody that's going to work on behalf of them and their families and their communities. and we are building up a campaign here in south carolina like we haven't seen in a very long time. and it's a campaign built on hope, making sure that the american dream is alive and well for so many. you know, i've lived the american dream. i grew up in a mobile home, son of a teen mom, raised by grandparents with a fourth grade and eighth grade education. and i was able to get out of that situation to now run for the u.s. senate. i mean, that only happens in this great nation. and, you know, and that's what
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this campaign is all about. that's why we get volunteers coming out of woo wood works. if folks want to volunteer go to jaimeharrison.com. we'd love to have you as we push through. >> stephen: nicely slid in there, future senator. ( laughter ) now you say that, you know, you want to talk to people about hope, and you want to show people there is hope. well, you know, as well as i, the great motto of the great state of south carolina, doom sparrow, while i breathe, i hope. what does that mean to you personally, and what do you think it has to do now with what's going on with the american people? >> well, you know, stephen, that motto might as well have been the theme of my life because it was hope that really got me through all of the barriers and things that i faced. but, you know, as i go around the state of south carolina and i talk to parents and i chat with children, you know, that
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little flicker of hope that i had in my eyes, i don't see in the eyes of the kids here in south carolina. when i talk to their parents, the parents don't say that their kids are going to be better off than they were. and that's what we fundamentally have to change. we live in a state, stephen, where 38% of rural communities don't have access to broadband. where four of our rural hospitals have closed over the past few years. 250,000 people don't have health care. and all of that happened under lindsey graham's watch, and that is what we have to change. and that's what i'm fighting for each and every day-- to make life better for those folks. >> stephen: i want to get back to lindsey for just one second, and that is he said multiple times that if somebody was nominated for the supreme court in the final year of donald trump's first term, he wouldn't be in favor of confirming that person. and he's thrown up a lot of gorilla dust to try to, you know, make people forget that he
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said that. but he broke a promise to the american people. he said-- he gave his word. what do you think that means to the people of south carolina for someone to not have enough honor to keep a word that is on tape? >> well, listen, the way that i grew up, my grandfather always used to tell me, he said, "jaime, a man is only as good as his word." so, in essence, you know, lindsey graham's word is meant or worth much of anything, stephen. and i think the greatest travesty that you can do as a public servant is to lie to the pople that you represent. and that's what lindsey has done. and this isn't the first time. he's lied about term limits. when he first got there, he was one of those folks with a contract with america. and he said,"i'll stay there for no longer than 12 years" well, it's 25 years now, and he's running for yet another six. so this man just doesn't keep his word because all he concerns himself with is power. and that's why folks in south carolina are about to give him a one-way ticket back to seneca,
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south carolina, or mar-a-lago, or wherever he wants to go, but he's leaving washington, d.c. >> stephen: well, you can help him keep his word and limit his turn on tuesday. >> that's exactly right. >> stephen: he should thank you for that. now, you called your campaign a "movement for a new south." i love the south. what do you-- what do you think the future of the south is? >> i think the future of the south is bright. i think the future of south carolina is bright. i think south carolina's better days are ahead of her and not behind her. i think lindsey graham is a relic of the old south. and, you know, what i mean by this, stephen, is that i believe a new south is bold. it is inclusive. it's diverse. it's a place where all of our folks should have their voices appreciated, valued, and heard. you know, this is a seat, the one that i'm vying for, was the seat of john c. calhoun, it was the seat of strorm thank you very muchond, and south carolina
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on november 3 has the opportunity of writing a whole brand-new history for the south, which we can become the very first state to have two african american senators serving at the very same time. i think that is the new south that we want to see, that we want to hear, that we want to be a part of. >> stephen: a model for the nation. south carolina has a chance to do it. jaime harrison, thank you so much for being here. good luck on tuesday. nice to see you again, my friend. >> it's good seeing you, too. >> we'll be right back with elvis costello. thanks, jaime. i always loved you sven-jannin, i never said it but... (dramatic crying) whoa! did sven-rod just die? yeah can you do it again? sure, sure i always loved you... oh man... missed it again .
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alexa, rewind 10 seconds. oh man... missed it again . chances are you have some questions right now here are a couple answers... lysol disinfectant spray and disinfecting wipes together can be used on over 100 surfaces. and kill up to 99.9% of viruses and bacteria. unfortunately, we can't answer every question you have right now. lysol. what it takes to protect. anyone making less than $400,000 a year won't pay a penny more, and i'm going to ask the very big corporations to pay their fair share. we're going to invest in creating millions of good-paying jobs. we're going to ease the burden of the major cost in your life- health care. we're going to protect social security and increase the benefits for millions of seniors. when i announced i was running, i said that's the reason,
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♪ ♪ >> stephen: oh, hey. welcome back, everybody. my next guest is a grammy award-winning songwriter and rock 'n roll hall of famer. please welcome back to "a late show," elvis costello! hello, elvis costello. >> hello, stephen. how are you doing? >> stephen: oh, i like that. i like the calm. i like the intimacy. it's like a.s.m.r. i feel like i should be going to sleep soon. >> well, don't do that. we've got a lot-- we've got a lot to talk about. sleep on your own -- >> stephen: are you calling us from inside an art installation. what is that background you have there? >> yes, i am. you guessed just right, that i am inside an art installation.
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how did you know that? >> stephen: that's what i get paid for. you is are two pairs of glasses on your head there, elvis. >> it's a fashion thing. all the kids will be doing it soon. >> stephen: i didn't know if these blew out at the last moment you would have another one come down, like a blast shield. >> yeah, yeah. >> stephen: i haven't seen you in forever and a day, which is terrible, because i'm not telling any secrets to anybody out there, certainly not to you, that you are my favorite rock artist of all time. what have you been doing over the last, say, four years? >> over the last four years? >> stephen: you've got about 15 seconds. you've got about 15 seconds. >> i would say i've-- i've written quite a few songs. i've traveled many miles, and did things like get on planes and go to other countries to record, something you would never, ever imagine now, until just a few months ago. >> stephen: okay, now let's get to the last seven months. how have you been holding up under covid quarantine? were you on tour when everything
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locked down? >> well, i was looking at an audience and thinking, they all are wonder whether they are taking a chance coming here, in the last week of the tour. we started to see empty spaces in sold-out houses. and i came into the wings on the last night of the tour in london and said to the guys, "i think this could be it. let's go out there and play "hurry down doomsday, the bugs are taking over," a song of mine which i thought would catch the mood of the moment. a week later i was back home with my family on vancouver island and the prime minister was in the i.c.u. it really wasn't funny. at that moment, everybody was still treating this as a drop of poison in the ocean and it will go away. and as you know, some people continue to believe it's all made up. >> stephen: right. >> unfortunately, that doesn't work for my friends who have passed in this last little time. >> stephen: same here. >> it is-- it's been very sad. for myself, i've been
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tremendously grateful for the time. when you say, "how am i holding?" i'm holding my wife and children in my arms. i'm not on a bus between iowa and omaha in the summer months. i'm here with them every day. we sit and have supper. and i've tried to make best use of the time. i just refuse to feel sorry for myself when people-- m friends in new york were at one point really struggling. i have friends who haven't fared so well with the isolation. i don't really like people that much, so i-- i'm fine with my own company. i'm an only child know-- no, seriously, i have tried to make the best use of it. i've done a lot of writing, a lot of recording, and i'm grateful for what this has given me. >> stephen: the new album is called "hey clockface" it's your 31st studio album for those of you keeping score. the first song was released june 1, "no flag," immediately
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heralded as a protest song at a moment when the united states and the world was being gripped by protest. was that released in that moment with that in mind? >> no, those sort of things happen by coincidence. i had written the song last year for the day when you get up and the ways of the world make you feel no allegiance, no philosophy, no theology will console me. and you make a furious sound. now, in my case, i did something slightly reckless, as we would think of it now. i went to, you know, where the wind blew me, and nobody knew me, to helsinki. you know, the musical hub of the world. >> stephen: sure, rock 'n' roll hall of fame, helsinki. >> the finns claim to have invent of vented tango. that alone would take me there. >> stephen: invented tango, and tapas. >> yes. when i made this clattering sound that is "no flag" and people heard in it some coincidental alignment in the stars and in the-- in the headlines. i could not have planned that,
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and, you know, the song will still sound-- hopefully it will still sound good next week. >> stephen: it's not the only album you have got out right now. you're glutting-- you're gluth the market right now. also, this massive-- how many albums do you get with the new armed forces complete boxed set here? >> that is six record albums, four 12-inch, two 10-inch, three singles, a fist full of comic books. >> stephen: what-- what-- the lr notes-- the liner notes are all comic books, which are fantastic. what is the inspiration for these? >> well, the art work for "armed forces" was pop art to begin with. our late friend bonnie bubbles did the original art work. todd alcott did these covers. one of them there, i think maybe a couple of them did raise some questions, you know. there's one there where i'm
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being menaced by-- by an attractive blond woman carrying cudgels. and somebody asked, ythis?" and i said, well, sad to say, that was my life then." >> stephen: that's the way you want to go. >> yeah. well, look at those muscles there. i mean look how-- how buff i was. >> stephen: you're ripped. you're ripped. those were the days. >> yeah. >> stephen: elvis, before i let you go, i want to ask you one question. a lot of politicians use songs that "a," they don't have the rights to for their rally and artists get angry about that and send angry letters. i assume this happened to you in past. if there was a song that you think would fit a trump rally of yours, what would you suggest? >> i wrote a campaign song for a musical adaptation of bud shul
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schulberg's "a face in the crowd." it should be open. we both know why that isn't happening. can i read these lines. i think they speak for my heart. they say what i feel but cannot express. >> stephen: sure. >> if you're tired of the lies of politicians and of preachers, you can put your trust in me. help me be your brother's keeper. if you pay too many taxes, think salvation should be cheaper, just say blood and hot sauce. when the bailiffs are at the door and you want to vent your spleen, vaseline, my pom pompad, i'm twice the man you should have been. hand 'round the ammunition and the gasoline. just say blood and hot sauce. for the people will not judge me because there's only one... and you know how much they love me because i'm one of them. i was climbing up the ratings
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because they said i was a satan. but the ladies treat me kindly, because they know what's on my mind. and i gave in to temptation, and i'm lousy with penetration. just say blood and hot sauce. and that is the words of "lonesome roads" a lying, cheaty, swindling hill biggie singer who rises through the realms of entertainment to be a man of influence. be careful what you wish for. >> stephen: >> stephen: "hey clockface" is available on friday. stick around for a performance by elvis costello!
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>> let's save the world by finding toddler donald trump and showing him an ounce of love, maybe play catch with him, or something. (fisherman vo) how do i register to vote? hmm!.. hmm!.. hmm!.. (woman on porch vo) can we vote by mail here? (grandma vo) you'll be safe, right? (daughter vo) yes! (four girls vo) the polls! voted! (grandma vo) go out and vote! it's so important! (man at poll vo) woo! (grandma vo) it's the most important thing you can do! is now even more powerful. the stronger, lasts-longer energizer max.
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. and now, performing the title track from his album, "hey clockface," with jon batiste, ladies and gentlemen, elvis costello! ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ hey clockface keep your fingers on the dial ♪ you stole those precious moments ♪ and the kisses from her smile ♪ and now i'm living in these hours ♪ away we will while i'm not wasting any more time
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♪ hey clockface i really want to know ♪ why is it when we're apart you always take it slow ♪ and when she's here you always say ♪ "it's almost time to go" you said you'd be a friend to me ♪ but time is just my enemy and it is hurting me so ♪ the moon comes through the window shining ♪ crescently and bright the sun rolls round again ♪ if i could turn your face back before all of this started ♪ forty minutes past four when her secrets she parted ♪ forty minutes past four in the faithless a.m ♪ she wound up in his arms and not the man that i am ♪ a spring that is sprung a cuckoo-bird that sung ♪ now there's a nail in a bare wall where your face once hung ♪ hey clockface now i don't feel a thing
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♪ you stole away the heart in me and then removed my spring ♪ the winding mechanisms shot the movement is unwound ♪ don't tick or tock or dare to make a sound ♪ hey clockface well, don't you ever dare ♪ count me down to zero hour and keep me waiting here ♪ a minute from departure i will twist your key ♪ and have her come back to me have her come back to me ♪ how can you face me? after what i've been through ♪ after you broke that vow how can you face me now? ♪ how can you face me now? how can you face me now? ♪
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♪ ♪ >> stephen: our thanks to elvis and jon. check out another song from them, as well as other great performances in our play-at-home series, online at colbertlateshow.com. we'll be right back.
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late show." tune in tomorrow when my guests will be julie andrews and musical guest sam smith. james corden is next. but first, let's say good night with some music from jon batiste and stay human. captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ ♪ captioning sponsored by cbs ♪ the late late show, oh, oh the late late show, ooh ♪ the late late show, oh, oh the late late show ♪ oh, oh it's the late late show ♪

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