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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  March 30, 2018 11:35pm-12:37am PDT

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hello pix-nation? do you need your pix...sports...now.. thank you so much for watching. have a great night. captioning sponsored by cbs >> president trump tapped former u.n. ambassador john bolton to become his third national security advisor. bolton is known for advocating hard-line positions on iran and north korea. his appointment is raising concern about an increased possibility of military conflict in different global crises. >> mom! mom! >> hey, hey, chas it? what's going on, hon? >> i'm scared. did you have a bad dream? no, mom. are you scared of the monster under the bed? >> no! it's the new national security advisor john bolton. he's a war monger who's called for preemptive strikes on north korea and iran! he's going to get us all killed!
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>> john bolten? i'm getting the hell out of here. >> stay! no, you're on your own. i'm going back to the nightmare room where it's safe! >> announcer: it's the "late show" with stephen colbert! tonight unliking facebook. plus stephen welcomes bryan cranston and president jimmy carter featuring jon batiste and "stay human." and now live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: whoo! right over there! that's really nice. hey, everybody! please have a seat. that. now, that is a good audience. that right there is a good audience. i didn't think it was possible
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but they might be better than last night's audience right now. ( cheers and applause ) not only are they louder, not only are they more excited, they're more attractive than last night's audience. they just keep getting prettier. ( cheers and applause ) well, welcome to "the late show," i'm your host stephen colbert, and it is friday. it is friday. ( cheers and applause ) thank you, lord. thank you, lord. it is friday. everybody have big plans for the weekend? a lot going on this weekend. ( cheering ) you got anything going on this weekend? >> jon: yeah, i'm going to church. >> stephen: going to church, good for you. that's good. i'm going to eat my weight in ham. if you're not sure yet, check facebook, 'cause they know everything you're doing.e lenedw weeks that you're not the customer, your life is their product and facebook is the pimp. so, a lot of people are deleting facebook right after checking to see if their ex's new boyfriend
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has a six pack. he does, by the way. ( laughter ) she seems happier with him. they're kite surfing in turks and caicos this weekend. ( laughter ) a bunch of businesses have left the social network too, including playboy. wow. that's going to sting. >> jon: wow. >> stephen: that's not going to be easy. now where are those people going to find porn on the internet? ( laughter ) but i have not deleted my facebook page. 'cause i never had one. you know nothing about me, suckerberg! ( applause ) okay? you don't even know my favorite band. it's flaw. ( laughter ) now, my staff's on facebook and some of them have downloaded their facebook histories, and they've found that facebook keeps a record of some crazy stuff like calls made from their smartphone, and a family tree of all of your relatives. and one of my writers even discovered that they have an algorithm for his face. can we see his face?
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wow, looks just like him. seems like the only way you can defend your privacy is to be off the grid. that why i'm launching my new service: amishbook. everything about facebook, except the electricity. ( laughter ) ( applause ) hello. hello. ( cheering ) hello, english. i'm glad you finally see the evils of technology like computers and mechanically-made butter. welcome to amishbook. it's just like facebook, except, instead of the internet, you write down your thoughts in this book and you share it with your
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friends... by taking it over to their house and showing it to them. it even has facial recognition. "hey, that's jebidiah schmidt. i recognize your face, jebidiah. like!" ( cheers and applause ) and we also have great games on amishbook, like farmville. it's my farm and i could really use some help. ( laughter ) there you go. ( cheers and applause ) the president has been having trouble finding lawyers to defend him in the mueller probe possibly because every lawyer in america is currently suing donald trump. he found someone worthy of the task, andrew econ moo. that's a fun name. you will recall that just last
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week donald trump treated many lawyers and top law firms want to represent me in the russia case. evidently he turned all of those people down because econ moo is an assistance district attorney in brunswick, georgia, who does not ever appear to have worked at a major national law firm, ever worked in washington, d.c. or even worked as a defense lawyer. okay? but i don't doubt for a minute that economou is one of the greatest minds in the greater metro plex. in 2010, local georgia courts appointed him to handle cases involving convenience stores and gas stations allegedly hosting illegal video poker. you know what they say, video poker cases are the presidential
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impeachment trials of gas station gambling. and insiders say economou will play a prominent role in president trump's legal defense. your honor, opposing council has introduced thousands of pages of documents detailing my client's contacts with known russian intelligence officers. anything in there about video poker and southeastern georgia? because that's kind of my wheelhouse. ( laughter ) no? the defense rests. wal-mart just announced -- wal-mart announced it is moving cosmopolitan from the checkout aisle for its "hyper-sexualized" covers and content. so wal-mart doesn't approve of sexy magazines, just gun magazines. it's true. ( laughter ) i believe sexy mags belong in the checkout line because that's
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the only way you can make it look like they're an impulse buy. "yep, just the milk, and the bread, and uh, throw in that magazine about '50 ways to make your man scream your name. ( laughter ) it's okay, i'm a doctor." the move comes after a push by morality in media, who takes issue with the "sexually erotic articles which describe risky sexual acts like public, intoxicated, or anal sex in detail. customers should not be forced to be exposed to this content when they are trying to check out at the store." if that's true, then they also have to remove all the newspapers because, for some reason, there are a lot of porn stars on the front page. ( laughter ) ( applause ) in more pressing news, you can now buy dunkin' donuts themed
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sneakers! it's the perfect shoe for anyone who goes to get coffee and says "dang, i wish this was on my feet." apparently, shoe brand saucony designs custom running shoes for the boston marathon every year, and the 2018 edition is devoted to dunkin' donuts. nothing's more bostonian than dunkin' donuts. except a shoe which drinks eight natty lights and tries to fight you in the fenway parking lot. ( laughter ) there's a lot to love about this shoe. it's the same colors as the dunkin' donuts logo, it comes in a cute donut box. really captures all the fun of getting breakfast at the airport. of course, this isn't the first time we've seen a food-shoe tie-in. pizza hut's pie tops let you order pizza from your shoes using bluetooth technology. so i assume we've cured cancer if we've moved on to pizza shoes.
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( laughter ) ( applause ) listen -- we live in weird times. our president is being sued by a porn star. facebook is spying on you. someone tried to eat beyonce. now food is shoes. and given these shoes' popularity, it's only a matter of time before other chains are get in on the fashion game. get ready for taco bell bottoms cinnabonnet, starbucks frappa-chinos, and of course, the outback steak-blouse. we've got a great show for you tonight. bryan cranston is here, and so is president jimmy carter. president james earl carter. but when we return, midnight confessions. do join us, won't you? ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) well, like most of you, i just bought a house.
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-oh! -very nice. now i'm turning into my dad. i text in full sentences. i refer to every child as chief. this hat was free. what am i supposed to do, not wear it? next thing you know, i'm telling strangers defense wins championships. -well, it does. -right? why is the door open? are we trying to air condition the whole neighborhood? at least i bundled home and auto on an internet website, progressive.com. progressive can't save you from becoming your parents, but we can save you money when you bundle home and auto. i mean, why would i replace this? it's not broken. i mean, why would i replace this? directv gives you more for your thing. your top-rated thing. that five stars, two thumbs up, 12-out-of-10, would recommend thing. because if you only want the best thing, you get the #1 thing. directv is rated #1 in customer satisfaction over cable. switch now and get a $200 reward card.
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! ladies and gentlemen, if you're regular watchers of the show you know i'm a devout catholic but i'm so busy with the show i rarely get to mass. i believe if got wanted me to go to church he would have put it on netflix. ( laughter ) i miss my favorite catholic tradition and that's confession. so i would like to confess to you my audience. you won't tell everybody, will you? >> of course not! this is midnight confessions.
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standard disclaimer-- i don't know if these are technically sins, but i do feel bad about them. okay, wait right there. i'll be right back. (organ music playing softly in the background) forgive me, audience. if i ever tell you i'm stuck in traffic, it means i haven't left home yet. ( laughter ) i always imagine my most satisfying experience would be fatherhood but actually it's eating yogurt pretzels drunk. ( laughter )
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( applause ) i'm kind of jealous i'll never experience the wonder of childbirth. so sometimes after i eat a burrito, i rub my stomach and sing raffi to it. ( laughter ) sometimes, audience, sometimes i stare into the distance to seem thoughtful, but i'm really just trying to make a bird outside my window explode with my mind. ( laughter ) ( explosion ) you know that guy in the office who always takes the last cup of coffee without making a new pot? i had that guy murdered. wil( laughter ) ( cheering ) if i'm out of salad dressing,
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i'll sometimes just use marshmallow fluff. ( laughter ) and i make sure i'm always out of salad dressing. ( laughter ) audience, i know how to fold fitted sheets, but i will never tell my wife. ( laughter ) i didn't know there was a difference between flammable and inflammable, which is why the judge taught me the difference between guilty and not guilty. when i was in college, i cheated in psychology so i'll never know what that says about me. ( applause ) forgive me, audience? >> audience: we forgive you! >> stephen: thanks. ( cheers and applause )
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( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! welcome back to "the late show"! ( cheers and applause ) these people are in for a treat now because my guest tonight, you know him as walter white in "breaking bad," lyndon b. johnson in "all the way," and now as a chief in wes anderson's "isle of dogs." ( growling ) >> wait a second. before we attack each other and tear ourselves apart like maniacs, let's open the sack and see what's in it. might not be worth the trouble. >> i'm not sure. maybe. all right.
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rancid apple core, meat, pile of broken egg shells and smashed rotten gizzard with maggots over it -- >> okay, it's worth it. ( growling ) >> stephen: please welcome bryan cranston! ( cheers and applause ) >> thank you! he doesn't like me at all. >> stephen: just to keep you humble. we pay that guy. ( cheers and applause ) ( cheers and applause ) good to see you. >> you, too. >> stephen: you are looking looe
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and hardy, how have you been? >> i just got back from london last night. >> stephen: you have been doing "network." playing howard from network, and this was probably the most challenging thing i've heard you do, you guest hosted for james s corden. >> stephen: tell us the story of that. >> turns out james' wife was pregnant and not due for another couple of weeks, but it came early. it comes when it comes. >> stephen: sure. baby decides. >> sure. i got a call saying would you like to guest host "the late late show"? i said, sure, when? tonight. you have to be here within two hours. so within two hours i was at his desk with a room full of writers going through jokes and figuring it out. i didn't have time to be panicked and nervous, i i was just thrown into it. >> stephen: do you have a
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little more respect for those of us who do this job now? ( laughter ) ( applause ) or any respect for us? >> i think a pretty well-trained monkey can do the job. >> stephen: shaved monkey. you don't have to train it. >> how i did it from watching years of carson and letterman and you, i just put on the character of a talk show host. >> stephen: you can't do a talk show in character! ( laughter ) it's just not possible. >> you're right. >> stephen: it's unsustainable. >> it's unsustainable. >> stephen: how about this, was it fun? >> i had a blast. >> stephen: yeah. i had so much fun that i can't wait for him to knock up his wife again. >> stephen: okay. so you are a great actor. i'm not giving anything away by saying that. better men than i have said that
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and women. but have you ever met another actor who's acting so well that you didn't know that person was acting? >> yes. when i was in college, i was studying administration of justice to be a policeman. >> stephen: what town? los angeles. that's where i was born and raised. i was going to be a policeman there, went to school. second year i took an acting class because i had done some of it when i was younger. in it i was handed a script with whoever you were standing next to, you two read there,, and i was nervous and 19 years old. a couple is making out on a park bench. i looked over. the girl i was standing next to reading is really pretty but she hadn't yet read that little line yet. so i was getting a little nervous and waiting for her to read it and i know she's going
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to have to look up to see who she's going to have to kiss. so i started preening, you know. you know those birds in the wild that start to -- ( laughter ) ( cheering ) they make themselves look better than they really are? >> stephen: sure. i was doing that. when i did, she looked up, she looked at me, she does this, she looks up, she sees me and goes -- hmm. that was a victory. ( applause ) we started the scene. i have the first line -- sarah, i need to talk to you, i think we should see other people. we are kissing and kissing. she is all over me. hands, her body is on top and i'm leaning back like this,
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we're kissing and she's also tapping my thigh. i didn't know what that was. tapping my thigh. so i tapped her back. i mean, i had heard of spanking, but i didn't know if i was doing it right. i don't know. is that a thing? does she really like it? she's tapping, we're tapping. then i realized she was indicating for me to get on with the scene. i had the first line. i scrambled to pick up my signs and i forgot the line. anyway, we got through it. after the breakers i thought, this is going to be the easiest date i'm ever going to have. she was all over me and i said, would you like to have lunch some time? and she says, oh, um... no. no, i have a boyfriend. to which i feigned indifference. okay, no problem. she walks away and i'm crushed.
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i couldn't believe it. my mind was spinning. first of all, in police science, we never were in charge of kissing anyone in any class. that was not part of the curriculum. this, i had to do it. she was really pretty, and it spun my head. and i realized, oh, my gosh, i thought she really liked me. she didn't. she was acting. >> stephen: she must have been a pretty good actor. >> amazing. >> stephen: did you ever, later in your career, see her again as an actor? >> no, i never actually knew what happened to meryl streep. ( laughter ) >> stephen: good things. she's fine. >> good. >> stephen: well, the movie is wes anderson's "isle of dogs."
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is this your first wes anderson movie? >> my first, hope not my last. he's a wonderful person and a visionary. >> stephen: the fantastic mr. fox is so beautiful and so funny. >> and takes forever because anytime you move a hair or eyebrow, you take one picture and you have to move it again. if there's five or six puppets in the scene, you're doing about three seconds of work a day, usable film every day for, like, 10, 12 hours of work, three seconds of usable film. >> stephen: how many decades did et take to make this? >> well, it took about four years from start to finish. >> stephen: holy cow. yeah, and the dogs matured during the time. >> stephen: you play chief, right? >> i play chief. >> stephen: tell me about chief. >> chief is a stray. he's a throwaway dog. >> stephen: on an island of
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garbage, right? >> "isle of dogs" is about a greedy mayor of a fictitious city in japan who has ulterior motives and he's lates the dog to trash island virtually to send them to their death because he's a cat lover. it becomes a cat vs. dog situation. and sometimes on the "isle of dogs" it's a dog eat dog situation. >> stephen: like we saw in the clip. >> yeah, and the dogs form packs and families and do anything they can to survive. in essence, the real story is about a little boy looking for his lost dog. >> stephen: and chief is the leader of the pack? >> the leader of the pack. >> stephen: so nice. indian paint brsh, wes anderson's company, they sent over the actual puppet of chief they sent over. can we get a shot of chief here? there he is. he's actually ash tic articulat.
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can you get a closer shot of chief to see his face? there you go. that's gorgeous. >> every time they move anything, take a picture, move, take a picture, move, take a picture. if he's talking, starting to talk, finishes talking. painpainstaking. >> stephen: could you play a little chief? >> yeah. >> stephen: a shot of chief. no shots of me just bryan and chief. >> is he willing to do it? >> stephen: chief first. first of all, chief, i just want to give my staff a heads up. are you a biter? are you a jumper? are you house broken? >> i am a biter, but that doesn't mean i'm all bad. i am not house broken, but if you put me in your house, i'll break it.
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( laughter ) >> stephen: people say dogs and owners eventually look alike. >> oh, please, god, i hope that's not true. ( laughter ) >> stephen: what kind of dog best describes bryan? >> ah, he's a little pitch is what he -- a little bitch is what he is. >> stephen: thank you, chief. thank you. >> stephen: you've got a rough co-star here! ( cheers and applause ) "isle of dogs" is in theaters now. bryan cranston, everybody. we'll be right back with president jimmy carter. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing )
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you want "streaming all you your favorite showsy. on the fastest internet" easy. you want "internet that helps you save on mobile" easy. you want "the best wifi you can pause with a tap." see? easy. time for bed. you want xfinity because it makes your life... simple. easy. awesome. get started with xfinity internet for $40 a month for 2 full years when you sign up for tv. plus, get 3x the speed of at&t and directv. click, call or visit a store today. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back.
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folks, i'm honored tonight to welcome a nobel prize winning, nuclear engineer, peanut farmer. ladies and gentlemen, the 39t 39th president of the united states, jimmy carter! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: well, sir, thanks for being here. it's nice to see you again. >> it's good to be with you again, stephen. >> stephen: how have you been? i have been fine. >> stephen: you're an extraordinary man.
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you're 93 years old -- am i correct at 93? >> going on 94, yeah. >> stephen: going on 94, okay. ( cheers and applause ) you have beaten cancer and you are still -- you are still working to make the world a better place through the carter center and through your books. you've got a new one called "faith." >> "faith." >> stephen: and a lot of people will release a book as a trial balloon before they run for president. >> i've heard about that, yeah. ( laughter ) >> stephen: is there any chance you're running in 2020? because -- ( cheers and applause ) we could use a nice guy in the oval office. >> i think there's an age limit. >> stephen: is there? i think there's an age limit. >> stephen: i know it's 35 to get in, but i think you can go
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anywhere you want. >> i think 93's the age limit. ( laughter ) >> stephen: well, you are known to be a nice guy, you've certainly proven it. you were sort of the first president of the 20th century to have a career after the white house with the carter center and your work with habitat for humanity and certainly eradicating diseases around the world. s president of the united states -- ( cheers and applause ) you were the president after nixon and ford and america felt like they wanted a nice guy in there. nixon seemed like, pardon the expression, a son of a bitch. ( laughter ) were you too nice to be president? people criticized you for your demeanor and you might say the energy brought to the job. does america want kind of a jerk as president? >> apparently from the recent election, yes. i never knew it before.
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( applause ) >> stephen: what do you think it takes to be president? what's the one -- the one quality it requires to be the president? >> i used to think it was to tell the truth. ( laughter ) but i've changed my mind lately. >> stephen: do you think that you criticize -- you were criticized for telling the truth to the american people? >> i think i told the truth almost all the time. >> stephen: when did you not tell the truth to the american people? >> my mother said i used to tell little white lies. >> stephen: that's what hope hicks says, too. ( laughter ) >> one time she had an interview and a woman came in to interview momma, and she said a little white lies. so jimmy does tell little white lies. what is that? she said when you came in the door and i said glad to see you and you look very nice? so a little white lie every now and then.
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( laughter ) >> stephen: that's the level. as an ex-president, do you speak to the other ex-presidents? >> sure. i will be with two tomorrow. >> stephen: who? george w. bush and bill clinton. >> stephen: do all the ex-presidents feel good that since trump is in office all of you have gone up the ranks? you've all just been pushed up one level there? >> i don't know about the rest of them. ( laughter ) >> stephen: but you feel good about it? ( laughter ) you pray a lot. do you pray for donald trump? >> i pray he will be a good president, keep our country at peace, that he will refrain from using nuclear weapons and that he will promote human rights. so, yeah, i pray for him. ( applause ) >> stephen: thank you for your prayers, first of all. thank you for your prayers. we do need them. but do you think your prayers are being answered so far?
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>> well, i used to have a pastor who would say, when you pray, god has three answers -- one is yes, the other one is no, and the third one is you've got to be kidding. ( laughter ) so i'm not sure which one it is yet. ( laughter ) >> stephen: donald trump's gotten in some trouble for some of the rough language that he's used and people have criticized him for that and i've certainly made some jokes about it. >> i've heard about that. ( laughter ) >> stephen: you got in a little bit of trouble back in 1980 in that campaign when it looked like ted kennedy might run, you famously said to a reporter, i will kick his ass. and at the time, that was unimaginable. >> for me, yes. >> stephen: that a president, for any president, that he would say that to a reporter. >> i didn't say that to a reporter. i said it to a congressman and he reported it to a reporter. >> stephen: so he threw you under the bus. >> he did, yeah. >> stephen: who was the
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congressman? >> i won't say his name. he's out of office now. >> stephen: okay. but still living? >> yes, he's still living. >> stephen: we'll find him. ( laughter ) ( piano riff ) >> but it was true, and i did. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: so you're not as nice as people think! ( laughter ) >> my wife can tell you that. >> stephen: you have been critical of sanctions against north korea. why is that? why is the isolation you think a wrong thing to do? >> well, because when we imposed sanctions for 70 years against north korea and about that long against cuba, we get blamed for all the things that go wrong in the country and it exalts the dictators. the dictators are already punishing people. they're already under duress and punishment, not enough food and freedom and that sort of thing,
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and when we put some additional stress on them, like not any food aid and destroy their economy, it hurts the average person who is already suffering under the dictator and the dictators control the news media completely so they blame all the problems that they impose on the people open us, so we get blamed in cuba and north korea for everything bad that goes on in the country. it exalts the dictators and hurts the people. >> stephen: are you against sanctions for all countries like iran, cuba, russia? >> i'm against any kind of sanctions that hurt the people who already suffer under a dictator, yes. ( applause ) >> stephen: okay. well, the book is called "faith a journey for all." i often wonder what the most important of the cardinal virtues is. do you think any of them are achievable -- faith, hope or
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love -- without courage? do you think courage is the most portan it seems all takes courage to achieve. >> i think love takes more courage perhaps than faith because we can't avoid having faith. you know, when we are babies all of us have faith in our mothers, we'll say, and we have some degree of faith in ourselves, right? and we have to have faith in our close friends or things that we cherish, like the truth or faith in education or faith in america or faith in whatever country we live in, faith in freedom. so we have faith many different things that we can't avoid, but it doesn't take any courage to have those kinds of faith, but it takes courage to have love for people who are different from you and it takes courage to have faith in people that we consider to be inferior to us or
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enemies of ours. of course, jesus says we should, you know, love our enemies as well as our friends and have so-called agape or self-sacrificial love or love for people who don't love us back, that takes a lot of courage, i think. ( applause ) >> stephen: have you been able to have that for -- that is the most difficult form of love to love your enemies or love the people who don't agree with you. >> that's true. >> stephen: how have you been able to find that for, say, your political enemies? >> i've tried to get rid of all my political enemies by forgetting about them or ignoring them. >> stephen: for manet there i thought you had a hit squad. i got rid of them, see! i love them where they are! ( laughter ) >> since i have been out of politics i tried to get rid of the animosities i used to cherish. >> stephen: and you've outlived most of them, i'm
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guessing? >> that's another secret to my success, yes. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: well, just in case -- sir, just in case your change your mind, we have a present for you. it's carter 2020, still constitutionally eligible. ( cheers and applause ) this is for you, young man. thank you very much. >> thank you. >> stephen: the book is "faith: a journey for all." it's available now. president jimmy carter! we'll be right back. thanks, sir! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) directv gives you more for your thing. your top-rated thing. that five stars, two thumbs up, 12-out-of-10, would recommend thing. because if you only want the best thing, you get the #1 thing. directv is rated #1 in customer satisfaction over cable. switch now and get a $200 reward card.
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tired feeling, or blurry vision. common side effects: dizziness, sleepiness, weight gain, swelling of hands, legs and feet. don't drink alcohol while taking lyrica. don't drive or use machinery until you know how lyrica affects you. those who've had a drug or alcohol problem may be more likely to misuse lyrica. with less pain, i can do more with my family. talk to your doctor today. see if lyrica can help. at the marine mammal center, the environment is everything. we want to do our very best for each and every animal, and we want to operate a sustainable facility. and pg&e has been a partner helping us to achieve that. we've helped the marine mammal center go solar, install electric vehicle charging stations, and become more energy efficient. pg&e has allowed us to be the most sustainable organization we can be. any time you help a customer, it's a really good feeling.
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it's especially so when it's a customer that's doing such good and important work for the environment. together, we're building a better california. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: weakum back to the show. well, that's it. the end of another work week. i'm off to spend the weekend in my underground news-proof bunker. but first, let's enjoy the very best of this week's "the late show": >> i excused myself and i went to the rest room. i was in there for a little bit and came out and he was sitting on the edge of the bed when i walked out, perched. i realized exactly what i had gotten myself into and i was like, oh... here we go.
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>> stephen: ugh, here we go. coincidentally that was the theme of trump's inaugural ball. ( laughter ) >> what i do is i build. i was always very good at building. it was my best thing, i think better than beingt president. ( laughter ) >> stephen: oh, don't sell yourself short, sir. you suck at both. ( applause ) and -- >> it must be so fun to be a comedy writer in america at the moment. surely you guys turn up to work late, read the paper, transcribe it and say it on air, right? that's pretty much what you do. >> stephen: i can tell you this -- ( applause ) -- i will -- i promise you i will in no way upset my writers to say it just write itself, simon. ( laughter ) thank you for joining us. >> my pleasure, stephen. it's very important for me that
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nobody thinks president trump is handed the keys to the war machine to some sort of hair trigger lunatic. >> stephen: that's very reassuring, sir. >> because if i heard someone say that, i'd blow 'em up, quick! ( laughter ) trump's giving me the nukes! bada boom, bam! >> stephen: john bolton is the latest edition to the team. >> he is. >> stephen: do you have a -- been observing him a long time. he seems terrifying to me. to me the mustache is possibly the only thing that will save us. >> stephen: what do you mean? well, his mustache. >> stephen: trump doesn't like the mustache. >> doesn't like the mustache. so i can feel like we can ensure he has a nice hot cup of chunky soup every day and just get a little -- like a chunky. >> stephen: like curry. said someone bit beyonce.
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yeah, hadish explains g.q. i said, beyonce, did she really bite you? i said, yeah. i was like, she gonna get her ass beat tonight. she like, no, that bitch is on drugs. she not like that all the time. just chill. on a certain level, that's admirable. beyonce got bit on the face and turned the other cheek!
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>> stephen: that's it for "the late show." happy easter and whatever emotion goes with passover! good night! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ♪ where it is you come from it'll be all right it's the lat♪ ( band playing ) >> reggie: ladies and gentlemen, all the way from inside stage

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