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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  December 27, 2016 11:35pm-12:38am PST

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have a good night. captioning sponsored by cbs ♪ ♪ >> hello! hey, up here, up here! hey! all right, merry christmas. season's greetings and all that. whatever. yeah, i love-- i love being a tree angel. you get a great view. it smells really nice up here. you know, the cat can't reach you. but i have to tell you, it is not all silver bells and eggnog up here. no, it is not. for starters, you got me stuck on top of the tree, and these things are like powder kegs. i mean, i feel like i'm joan of arc up here. anyway, happy holidays, everybody. oh, oh, oh! before you go, if you wouldn't mind, when you put me back in the box, can you keep me away from the elf on the shelf? that guy is crazy. >> announcer: it's "the late show with stephen colbert!" tonight, stephen welcomes: olivia munn;
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martin freeman; and comedian tom papa. featuring jon batiste and "stay human." and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ >> stephen: whoooo! whoooo! whoooo! what's that? what's that? that's right! >> jon: yeah! ( cheers and applause ) hey! >> stephen: thank you. that's very nice. that's so nice. that's lovely. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen!
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>> stephen: wow. thank you so much. thank you, everybody. thank you. ( cheers and applause ) so kind. that's so kind. lovely. thank you so much for chanting my name. it is my favorite christmas carol. ( laughter ) welcome to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. i hope everybody is feeling good, ready for the weekend. now-- ( cheers and applause ) there's a lot going on in the world. donald trump is... out there. ( laughter ) he's getting ready to break yet another presidential tradition, because this week, we learned that he could become the first president in 150 years who does not have a pet. other than, of course, the rare golden marmot that nests on his head. but, a longtime-- ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪
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but a longtime acquaintance of trump's says she wants to give him a nine-week-old golden doodle. speaking of trump's lapdogs, the republicans control both the house and the senate, and when trump becomes president, they've got some big plans, because mitch mcconnell, senate majority leader and soda shop owner with a dark secret says, "repealing obamacare would be the first item up in the new year." obviously, first is get a gym membership, maybe at soul cycle, though i'm not sure that mitch mcconnell has a soul. now, republicans have been promising to repeal and replace obamacare for years now, of course. and while the repeal appears to be just around the corner, the g.o.p. plans to delay an obamacare replacement for as long as three years. what? what? what? ( laughter ) am i hearing that right? you're going to take healthcare away from 20 million americans, then just figure out how to fix it later? that's like jumping out of a
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plane and then knitting your parachute on the way down. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: you don't want to do that. you don't want to do that. >> stephen: this was an exhausting election, but thankfully, it's finally over... is a thing i would love to say. unfortunately, for the good folks in louisiana, they're holding a final runoff election for the u.s. senate tomorrow. that's right. a runoff, named because at this point, one more election makes you want to run off a cliff. now runoffs are typically very low turnout. in order to raise awareness of this important election, right now, our resident louisianian, jon batiste, would like to speak directly to his home state. jon, if you would, please? >> jon: oh, yeah. thank you, stephen. thank you. ( cheers and applause ) okay, listen up, fellow louisianians. i'm going to say this in words we can all understand.
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it's time for you and ya momma and dem to make a pass to the voting booth, ya dig? it's no time for comme ci, comme ca. you got to chose between frank ocean and harry connick, jr., lil weezy. let da bon ton roule in da internet and da future is ours, sha! papadeaux breaux bridge bayou tesh, ya hear! voulez-vous coucher avec moi, c'est soir. so, remember, on saturday, december 10, if you live in louisiana, speak the language of democracy. go vote, you hear me! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you, jon. ( cheers and applause ) that's true. now, i only caught a little part of what you just said, but i assume it was great. also it gave me a weird craving for crawfish, so thank you, sir. >> jon: oh, yeah, that's good. >> stephen: speaking of food, you know, the phillies team, they have a stadium nut vendor
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you might know, called the "pistachio girl," who's beloved for antics like this: >> emily youcis is the pistachio girl, they call you. >> that's right, baby! pistachios! i'm the pistachio girl, that's right. everybody loves the pistachio girl. say, pistachios! >> stephen: that is my favorite bob seger song of all time. well, fun story: this week, the pistachio girl was fired for being an avowed white nationalist. then why is she selling pistachios? cracker jacks has "cracker" right in the name! ( laughter and applause ) now-- that's the natural fit. that's the fit. now, obviously, this is upsetting. this is shocking. no one ever expects a beloved nut vendor to be the type of person-- >> walnuts! oh, yeah! it's walnut o'clock, and i'm buyin', yeah!
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>> stephen: you guys hear that? it's our beloved "late show" singing walnut boy. ♪ walnuts! the nuts are back in town! ♪ i say wal, you say nuts! wal ♪ >> audience: nuts! >> wal! >> audience: nuts! >> oh, yeah! ( cheers and applause ) yeah! yeah! yeah, stephen, you know it. walnuts, they're the master nut! >> stephen: what? wait, wait, what did you just say? did you say "master nut?" that sounds racist. >> no, no, stephen. i believe all people are equal, regardless of race. but i do believe walnuts are ordained by god as the superior nut. yeah! >> stephen: wait, wait, so-- please stop throwing those. some people might have an allergy. now, so, you're saying there are inferior nuts out there? >> that's right, stephen. almonds lack the omega-3 fatty acid of walnuts.
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also, almonds play loud music and steal. i mean, right? come on, go back to almond land, almonds! get out of town! >> stephen: no, no, stop it. i think almonds and walnuts are just equally fine nuts. >> what? did you know that the "declaration of independence" was signed on a walnut desk? meanwhile, you can't find walnut pie anywhere. pecans are stealing all the nut- jobs! ( laughter ) >> stephen: all right, walnut boy. i'm just not comfortable with your nut-rageous conspiracy theories, okay? we're going to have to let you go. >> you can't silence me! unmix the nuts! unmix the nuts! everybody! unmix the nuts! >> stephen: stop it! no. no one join your stupid chant. we're mixing the nuts. this isn't nutzi germany. >> hey, that's a good one, stephen. i'm going to use that one. walnuts! >> stephen: walnut boy, everybody. you're fired. you're fired, walnut boy. get out of here!
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we have a great show for you tonight. olivia munn and martin freeman are here. but first, i'm going to play a little game about donald trump. you can win big money. stick around. ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ how else do you think he gets around so fast? take the reins this holiday and get the mercedes-benz you've always wanted during the winter event. now lease the 2017 gla250 for $329 a month at your local mercedes-benz dealer. that's your underwearstrong, dude.cleaner. so clean...keeps
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. give it up for jon batiste and "stay human," everybody, the greatest band on television! the greatest band. ( cheers and applause ) folks, you're definitely going to want to tune in next week.
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we have some fantastic guests. mark wahlberg will be here, miranda lambert, liam neeson, john goodman, james franco, neil patrick harris, and a special performance from the one and only jon batiste and "stay human." >> jon: oh, yeah. yes, indeed. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: i did not actually know we had such great guests next week. i wasn't going to do any shows, but i'm going to do them now. because if the guests are going to be here, i should really be here. >> jon: yeah, you should be here. >> stephen: or else, what kind of host are you, if you throw a party and you don't show up for your own party? >> jon: you got to be there. >> stephen: that's crazy billionaire behavior and i'm not there yet. ( laughter ) going to get there, though. now, folks, also next week, we might tell some jokes about donald trump. but we'll see. because, the thing is, we're learning so much about donald trump, and here's the best part, we're actually learning things from donald trump. for instance, he's teaching us that there are a lot of things that presidents do that we all assumed are laws, but they are actually just norms we got from previous presidents, like the norm where you win by getting the most votes. not a law.
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now, i'm going to explain the difference between a norm and a law in our new segment, "norm or law?" ( cheers and applause ) okay, here's the deal. here's how it works. it's not too complicated. if i describe something that's a norm, like holding the door for someone at starbucks, you'll hear this: >> "norm!" >> stephen: if instead i describe something that is a law, like not holding someone hostage at starbucks, you'll hear this: ( "law & order" theme ) >> stephen: first up on "norm or law?," unlike every other candidate for the past 40 years, donald trump refused to release his tax returns, and we need to see a president's tax returns to know if he's a crook. fun fact, the first president to release his taxes said this: >> i am not a crook. ( laughter ) >> stephen: fun fact: crook. ( laughter ) but is a candidate releasing his
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tax returns norm or a law? >> norm! >> stephen: yes, it's just a norm. and here's the crazy part: while the president doesn't have to release his tax returns, cabinet and subcabinet-level positions are required to submit their tax returns to the senate. so, lower-level positions are held to a higher standard than the president. that's like walking into a restaurant bathroom, and the sign says, "all employees must wash hands, except the chef." ( laughter ) disturbing. disturbing. ( applause ) next up on "norm or law?," trump is the richest man ever to be president, which is quite an achievement considering several of the first ones had "unpaid farming interns." so, will trump-- ( laughter ) that's true. i didn't make that one up. so will trump use the presidency to help his business? previous presidents sold off their investments or put them in
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something called a blind trust, which i believe is also the slogan on trump's new hat. so, trump's going to do the same because that's the law, right? >> norm! >> stephen: nope, it's just a norm. turns out, "the strict federal rules about financial conflicts of interest do not apply to the president, whose incentive to avoid self-enrichment is simply assumed." yes, it's assumed. and when you assume about trump, it makes an ass out of you and me. ( cheers and applause ) and, and, i think we know who's grabbing that ass. ( laughter ) but trump's companies are all over the world. is there any law stopping foreign governments from throwing business his way to get special treatment, or is it just a norm? ( "law & order" theme ) >> stephen: oh, thank god. and this one's in the constitution. those are the big laws. it's called the emoluments
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clause, which is a fancy word for "bribe." the founders knew that even honest people might betray their values for cash. it's human nature. just like it's human nature to enjoy the great taste of activia yogurt. mmm-mmm-mmm. activia. be right back. ( laughter ) ( applause ) so what about daily intelligence briefings? it's crucial for the commander in chief to be constantly updated on threats around the world, but so far, trump has been opting out of them. that's right, he's just "opting out." donald trump is treating our national security like i treat emails from pottery barn. "stop nuclear proliferation? unsubscribe!" so-- so-- ( laughter )
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( cheers and applause ) that yogurt is really good. ( laughter ) so is refusing to be informed violating a norm or law? >> norm! >> stephen: yep. but don't worry. according to trump advisor kellyanne conway, instead of briefings from the c.i.a., trump gets his information from "a number of sources," including "his personal and on-the-phone meetings with over what's now 41 world leaders." first of all, kellyanne, no one says "over 41." you can say "over 40" or "almost 50," but when you say "over 41," we all know you're just trying to make 42 sound a little bit bigger. ( laughter ) and there's a reason presidents don't get their news about other countries from those countries' leaders. because foreign leaders lie about their countries. like fidel castro, who, until last week, would not admit that he was dead. ( laughter ) well, that's it for this edition of "norm or law?," but i have a
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feeling we'll learn a lot more about what's technically legal over the next few years-- for instance, whether we keep the norm that america has laws. and we'll be right back, with olivia munn. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) ( band playing ) manolo! you're so cold, come in! what's wrong? it's dry... your scalp? mine gets dry in the winter too. try head and shoulders' dry scalp care it nourishes the scalp and... ...keeps you up to 100% flake free
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. you know my guest tonight from "the daily show," "the newsroom" and "x-men: apocalypse." her new movie is "office christmas party." please welcome the lovely olivia munn. ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause )
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♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> hello! >> stephen: olivia munn. >> hello. >> stephen: it's lovely to see you again. >> nice to see you, too. we had an awkward-- do we two- kiss, do we one-kiss? >> stephen: i didn't know whether to do the one-kiss or two-kiss. i never know. >> i don't like the two-kiss. it's so-- you know, when you see people, and they're like, "i'm european, we have to." >> stephen: right. >> well, i'm american. i do what i want. ( laughter ) >> stephen: that's true, that's true. it's in the constitution. >> it is! >> stephen: only kiss people on the cheek once. >> that's true. >> stephen: the last time you were here, i had some fun with your mom. >> you did? >> stephen: remember? remember i texted your mom using your phone? >> you did. >> stephen: the last time you were here, and i sent her this text that said-- can we do this? your mom's name is kim. and i said: "kim, colberto here. happy for the engagement!" and she wrote you this back: "hey, olivia, did you send me this text? i don't know what you mean." ( laughter ) >> and then later, i-- >> stephen: because you were in fact not engaged. >> i was not engaged, and-- and you made that confusing for my mother. >> stephen: yes. that's what i do. >> but now, she's very excited
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because once she saw it on tv, she's convinced that she's very, very famous. and she's like, "oh, you know, every come up to me in oklahoma and say, "oh, i see you on--" hey, mom. and she thinks, like-- "everybody come up to me. sometimes it's hard, you know. everybody come up. it's very hard. everybody want to say hi." yeah, she's having a hard time. it's hard to be a celebrity. she'll tell you. >> stephen: she has to look her best when she walks outside. >> she loves getting texts from you. >> stephen: does she? let me text her again. >> i, i actually-- well, here's my phone. >> stephen: let's do it. >> oh, i have to open it for you. >> stephen: what's your code? >> i like how you thought your fingerprint would work. >> stephen: well. ( laughter ) i never know, i never know. >> there it is, "mom." >> stephen: all right. "what up, kim? question mark. colbert here." boy, that's poorly spelled! >> cole-- it's cole-bear, like c-o-l-e and then bear, like b-e-a-r.
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>> stephen: it's just transcribing everything we're saying to each other right now. ( laughter ) i'm going to send this to your mother. boy, what i just sent your mother is: "what up, kim? colebear here, for that's poorly spelled, cold and it's transcribing everything we are saying to each other right now." please apologize your mother for me. i'm so sorry. >> it's going to come through soon. it's going to come through in a second. >> stephen: that's more confusion than i wanted to inflict on her. >> i'm going to leave it here, just so i see in case she does. >> stephen: how is your mom doing? i understand you took your whole family to a psychic recently? >> yeah, my family-- a good friend of mine is theresa caputo. she's the "long island medium." i don't know if you've seen her show. but she asked me to bring my family on to her show, and i said no, at first, because my family is great, but they are-- they're not supposed to be on tv, i don't think. but especially like psychic tv shows because, you know, on those shows they're really wanting big reactions-- >> stephen: yeah, they want emotional moments, when they remember something about, like, a deceased loved one or something. >> because they are speaking to people that have passed on.
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that is amazing! like, they're talking to your dead loved ones and you have to have reactions that are, like, fitting. like, "oh, my gosh! this is, like, amazing." my family, they're a bunch of intellects and they're very subdued, and even though i told her they wouldn't be great, she insisted, we should have them on anyway. so, we're doing the reading and she goes to my brother first. my brother is johnny, and she says, "johnny, do they call you john-john? does everybody call you john- john?" and we do, we call him mr. john- john, and nobody would know that. and i was like, "oh, my gosh. we do." right? and he was like, "yeah." ( laughter ) she's like, "okay." so she moves on to my mom, and she said, "i'm feeling like, do you have a necklace? are you wearing a necklace, or is there something from a grandmother?" now, i have to say, i made the mistake before doing the reading, and i told my mom, don't give any information. just say yes or no, because you have to, you know, just let them
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tell you everything. so my mom is sitting there as if she's being interrogated by the police. ( laughter ) and she's so-- just so reserved. and she says, "do you have a necklace, a thing from a grandmother, a necklace from a grandmother?" my mom goes "i don't know. maybe, no, yeah. i don't know." and i'm like-- and she goes, "i feel like you-- you don't have a necklace with you?" and my mom is like, "maybe." and so at this point i'm like, okay, i have to, like, mediate the medium now, and so i said, "mom, it's okay, you can just say yes or no. do you have a necklace or not?" and she goes, "yeah." and i said, "well, where is it?" and she says, "over there in my purse." i said, "well, who is it from?" "your grandma." i'm like, "so, when she was asking if you had a necklace from a grandmother, why didn't you say anything?" and she said, "because it wasn't on me. it was with me in my purse." and i said oh, that was the distinction. >> stephen: your mom is a tough nut to crack. >> she is.
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but then, i'm trying to get everybody's-- you know, i wanted everybody to have a great reaction. because, you know, shooting it, i wanted her to have a good tv show, she's legit, i think. and i said, "oh, my-- mom, isn't that amazing? see, johnny, she didn't know that your name was john-john. mom, how would she know about the necklace you brought with you from grandma?" and she goes, "oh, yeah. i know, i believe. i feel it, all the time. no big deal." i was like, i told you, don't put my family on tv. >> stephen: did-- did-- >> oh, here is my mom. >> stephen: what did she say? >> "what are you talking about? are you mad at me?" ( laughter ) >> stephen: just say, "it's stephen colbert's fault." >> okay, "it's--" oh, let's see what she says back. "--stephen colbert's--" >> stephen: ask her if she's wearing a watch. ( laughter ) from your great-grandfather. i'm feeling psychic connection. do you-- when i go to psychics-- and i've only been a couple times because i'm an adult. ( laughter ) >> but you believe.
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>> stephen: i do not. i do not. >> then why did you go? >> stephen: what? i was desperate! a girl broke up with me! this was a long time ago. >> oh, okay. >> stephen: i went to a psychic and she got the first three things she asked about me wrong. but what did i say? "yes, you're absolutely right." >> because you're so nice. >> stephen: no, because i-- no, no, because i didn't want to upset the ju-ju. i thought that maybe if i-- if she just got three right, she'd feel more confident and she'd start guessing real things about me. yeah, yeah, because i'm willing to believe anything, because i'm an adult and i'm a catholic. ( laughter ) now, "office christmas party." i have this great-- can you explain this photo to me? shooting "office christmas party." at the end of the day. did you tweet this? >> i instagrammed that. this was my hand after i had to stab it with a ballpoint pen, because kate mckinon was told to just do whatever you want in a scene. and that is how funny she is. she was doing-- >> stephen: so, this was to keep you from laughing-- you stabbed yourself in the hand. >> she was-- it was-- she was just doing fart jokes, but it was just really, really funny. and i had-- i was ruining the
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takes, and at a certain point, you know, like, it's not funny-- at first, everyone laughs when you laugh and after a while they think it's annoying. so i had to take a pen and stab my hand underneath to stop from laughing. >> stephen: uh-huh. >> it didn't really work. but i-- i-- i have some ink poisoning now. >> stephen: we have an office christmas party actually coming up, a week from thursday, right? a week from thursday. and we had jason bateman on. >> yeah. >> stephen: recently, for the same movie, and we invited him to our christmas party. you want to come to our office christmas party? >> yes! is he going, too? >> stephen: if you go. ( laughter ) >> i will go. how crazy do you guys get? >> stephen: well, actually, it's funny that you say that, because our show runner today had a meeting with the staff and he said, "have a good time, not a great time." ( laughter ) which is very important at office christmas parties. in this movie, which one do we get, a good time or a great time? >> it's whatever goes above great. >> stephen: we have a clip here of you and jason bateman going a little bit too far, i think. >> being awesome.
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>> stephen: being awesome. which is what i meant originally. jim? >> okay, you ready? >> okay, you look ridiculous. ♪ let's get ridiculous >> is it the hat? >> hey, merry christmas, everybody! talking about the holidays! ♪ ridiculous the place to be ♪ i whipped up, flipped up a tasty treat ♪ so get lift up and move your feet ♪ yeah this is how i roll white, no lenses, big afro ♪ i rock la-freak so animal and i drop that beat ♪ i make the crowd go ho! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that was good choreography. >> i couldn't watch because my mom was texting. "are you with stephen colbert? if so, tell him i say hi. tell him, be nice to me. i am olivia's mom. hope to meet him some day?" >> stephen: olivia's mom, you are welcome to come here any time you want. olivia, lovely to see you again. >> thank you so much!
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>> stephen: "office christmas party" is in theaters today! olivia munn, everybody! we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) ok, let me explain. this is your tax return. ok. now, there are many right ways to fill out this tax return. and the irs will accept them all. one of them gets you the most money back. isn't that the one you want? that's the one i want. that's the one you want. mmm... you touched all these. don't just get your taxes done, amy. get your taxes won. i thought my bladder leakage meant my social life was over. it scared me and caused a lot of disappointment and how i feel about myself. wearing depend underwear has helped me feel more connected to the people around me. i know that i'm protected, i'm not thinking about bladder leakage and i'm meeting people. i feel really grateful just to be absolutely free.
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my next guest tonight-- my next guest tonight is an emmy award- winning actor best known for "the hobbit," the television series "fargo," and as dr. watson on "sherlock." >> so, how is it going there, fatherhood? >> oh, good, great. yeah, amazing. >> getting anything sleep? >> of course not. >> beck and call of a screaming demanding baby, woken up at all hours to obey his every whim. must be very different. >> i'm sorry, what? >> yes, well, you know how it is, all you do is clean up their mess, pat them on the head. >> you two having a little joke? >> never a word of thanks. can't even tell people's faces apart. >> this is a joke, isn't it? >> and it's all "aren't you clever? you're so, so clever." >> is it about me?
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>> he needs winding. >> you know, i think that really might be it. >> nope, don't get it. >> stephen: please welcome martin freeman. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> thank you. >> stephen: i was just admiring your jacket backstage. that's fantastic. >> thanks. >> stephen: i like the double- breasted. i like the very tailored cut. you look like you're ready to launch a frigate. >> you better believe it, baby. >> stephen: right, admiral, welcome aboard. >> thank you. >> stephen: ( horn ) >> you're going to pipe me aboard. >> stephen: i will pipe you aboard. >> i'd love you to pipe me. ( laughter ) >> stephen: i don't know if you can say that on cbs. >> we just did. ( laughter ) >> stephen: speaking of piping you, this is a great time of year to see martin freeman naked, because-- >> oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. >> stephen: because they keep on the tv-- they're playing "love actually." >> they do, right. >> stephen: and last night my wife and i were doing the christmas cards, and we had "love actually" on-- a little christmas movie while we're doing the cards, and we looked up and there you are, naked.
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( laughter ) do you ever-- do you ever watch it yourself and go, "god, i was glorious?" >> i only watch that bit. that bit, yeah, yeah, yeah. i will edit everything else out, i just want to see me. >> stephen: it's not a long bit. it's just a short bit. but it's-- ( laughter ) is there going to be a sequel? is there going to be a sequel, where we get to see how things are holding up with you and anything like that? >> you don't need that. >> stephen: "love eventually." >> "love eventually," yeah. "love already?" no, no, i like the film, though. >> stephen: it's a delightful film. >> it's quite big here, isn't it? >> stephen: it's not big over there? >> it's big there, but it's almost like-- it seems to be almost like part of the holiday tradition. >> stephen: it is. it is now, "love actually" is part of the holiday tradition over here. yeah? ( cheers and applause ) they'll say anything i tell them to. they'll say anything i tell them. >> this much power is very dangerous. >> stephen: it is very dangerous in one man's hands, yeah. now, do-- happy christmas? i want to say merry christmas. you guys say happy christmas? >> i would say either. i always used to say merry but now i find myself saying happy christmas. >> stephen: yeah? which was-- is english more traditional for merry or happy? >> i think it's a slight class thing.
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i have a feeling that-- i think merry is kind of for the masses. and i think middle-class people say happy christmas, i think. i think. >> stephen: because we in america, the only time we say merry is for christmastime. >> there's no other reason for you to say it. >> stephen: no. we don't say, like, merry anything but merry christmas. >> merry meade. yeah, don't say anything like, give me a glass of merry meade. it just sounds medieval. >> stephen: we never-- we don't say the word "meade," my friend. ( laughter ) >> neither do we, but i'm saying that's the kind of thing you might say if you were feeling english. >> stephen: i'll have some merry meade. >> merry meade. >> stephen: yeah, sure, i'll have a yard of meade. ( laughter ) merry guv. >> i'd love a meade. >> stephen: mm-hm. >> mm-hm. >> stephen: mmm. i can't remember what we were talking about now. >> who cares? >> stephen: well, the thing that-- i mean, obviously, you know, i'm a huge tolkien fan. >> i didn't know that, no. ( laughter ) i had no idea. tell me again. ( laughter ) >> stephen: you're making me sad, martin freeman. >> i'm so delighted that you
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brought that up again, because it's been about four seconds since i've heard you say something about tolkien. >> stephen: i was going to use that to pass on! i was going to say-- i was going to say that while i'm a huge tolkien fan, the thing i like most about your work, or did until you became a bitch-- ( laughter and applause ) was-- is "sherlock." that's really, i can't-- i'm so excited for the new season. >> oh, thank you. me, too. i think it's potentially, if we haven't messed it up, these three episodes of "sherlock," i think will be the best ones. they're fantastic. >> stephen: that's hard to believe, because they've been so fantastic so far. ( cheers and applause ) >> no, but really, and i'm not even saying that to get a pavlovian response from your acolytes. i'm saying that for real, like this could be-- like, i think they're the strongest-- >> stephen: are you saying because it's going to be the last season? don't say that. >> i don't know. we never know, really. >> stephen: do you ever get-- do you ever get upset that he, benny batch, gets to be the smart one? ( laughter ) because you're not-- because you're not dumb in the series. >> no, not at all. >> stephen: but he's extraordinary.
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and he often gets cast as like-- >> yes, of course. >> stephen: --the super smart guy. >> he does, he does. >> stephen: do you ever think, why can't i be the super smart guy? do you ever want that? >> well, i mean, okay, i mean-- i have been cast as, you know, not imbeciles. you know. ( laughter ) >> stephen: uh-huh, uh-huh. >> but i think it would be a little-- it would be a bit much if i insisted that john watson was cleverer than sherlock holmes. i think that that would just satisfy my ego, yeah. >> stephen: just once. like, he get drunk and you, like, take some iawaska tea or something and you can figure it out, and he can't. wouldn't that be fun? >> i think what you see in this show is the balance of his amazing brain and his great intellect, which is kind of, you know, way beyond anybody else's. but john kind of-- what john brings to it is, he humanizes it. and he's able to sort of hold sherlock's hand through life and go, "this is actually how real people think and this is how stuff works," you know, while sherlock is going off on these amazing kind of fireworks of intellect, john is going, "yeah, but we've got to pay the rent." or you realize you just hurt someone's feelings there, because sherlock doesn't see that. >> stephen: no, and he also has a kind of stifled emotional life, too. >> yeah, he does. >> stephen: but your fans-- your
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fans do not have a stifled emotional life-- >> what's the opposite of a stifled emotional life? because that's what they have. >> stephen: and they-- a wild erotic imagination. ( laughter ) because they-- they are-- there's a fair amount of fan art of watson and holmes, and ambers and ace. have you seen any of that stuff? >> i have done some of them. >> stephen: well, good! ( laughter ) that could be in the sequel of "love actually," actually. ian mcclellan has sent you some of this stuff. "i just want you to know what's out there." your fans are very enthusiastic. >> when we were in new zealand doing this film, "the hobbit," i don't know if you knew that-- >> stephen: what, what? >> why did i bring it up? >> stephen: oh, lord. >> we were doing "the hobbit." and he said to me, i don't know if you've seen this-- and he sent me an email of one of these pictures-- it was-- ( laughter ) ( cheers ) it was certain-- >> stephen: i would-- >> it was-- it was stronger than that one. >> stephen: really? >> yeah. >> stephen: oh, my god. i would be so flattered if
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someone drew my body like that. ( laughter ) i would be so happy. >> me too, yeah. but no, he was just saying, you know, "do you know that this is all going on?" and i did. i did know that was going on. yeah, and it's nice. >> stephen: there was a little criticism for one of the seasons because it implied that the royal family was being blackmailed by a dominatrix, or something like that? >> yeah, yeah. >> stephen: "you can't say that about the royal family." do you care about that? or "they're just folks down the road?" >> i mean, clearly-- i mean, obviously the answer is, i don't care about that. you know, because-- >> stephen: why not? you're a subject. ( laughter ) >> listen, that's nothing compared to what you're going to be in january. ( audience reacts ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: well, that's all we have-- that's all we have time for, martin freeman. thank you so much for-- the new season of "sherlock" premieres january 1 on masterpiece on pbs. martin freeman, everybody. bilbo! we'll be right back with comedian tom papa.
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, welcome back, everybody. whoo! folks, my next guest tonight has a new comedy special that premiered today on epix. please welcome tom papa! ( cheers and applause ) >> good to see you guys. good job, everybody! good job! you did it! you're alive! another day! you made it! not a small thing. not a small thing. it's hard being a person, isn't it? ( laughter ) it's hard. all the stuff you've got to do just to take care of you, just the physical maintenance of you. all the brushing and the cleaning and the wiping of you. ( laughter ) it's like you're your own pet. ( laughter ) and some people don't take care of their pet very well.
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they're walking around. their hair's messed up. they don't look like they eat right. just the checklist of stuff you have to do to get out of the house to look somewhat decent. i saw a guy walking down 6th avenue this summer, i'm walking the other way, businessman, perfect-- suit, tie, leather shoes, briefcase, perfect glasses, perfect hair, fly open, one testicle out. ( laughter ) just didn't check that one box. ( laughter ) just on his way to a meeting. probably on his way back from a meeting. ( laughter ) yeah. that's the other thing-- as an adult, no one tells you. they probably looked him right in the eye in that meeting. "look at this guy. he has no idea. i'm not going to tell him. i've got my own problems. i don't know if i put on deodorant today." no one tells you. you're completely alone. when you're little, they tell you, "hey, zip up your fly. put on deodorant. brush your teeth." no, now you're totally on your
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own. even your wife or husband won't tell you. you have to talk to yourself all day long, give yourself little pep talks, like a crazy person. "i got my wallet, got my cell phone. okay, i got my keys. okay, going to be a good day, going to be a good day." the only difference between you and a crazy person is that they say it out loud on the street. "i got my wallet! got my cell phone! it's going to be a great day!" ( laughter ) you're looking at them, "this guy's nuts. we don't yell like that. no, we don't. we've got our act together. we should get some ice cream." ( laughter ) it's hard. it's hard being a person. even my iphone turned on me. my iphone, my only true friend in the world-- is now categorizing photos on its own. it considers my normal face and my fat face to be two different people. ( laughter )
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all this technology just to count how many chins i have. ( laughter ) it's a mess. my family's a mess. i have a mean girl. i have a mean girl. year, i made a mean girl. yeah. i didn't know they existed. i didn't think i was going to make one. i feel guilty, you know? i'm feeding it. ( laughter ) i'm keeping it alive. i give it money. ( laughter ) but what do i do, just cut her off, like she's a terrorist? i can't do that. she's my kid. how do i even know how bad she really is? she's my kid. i'm sure at some point, hitler's parents must have turned to each other, like, "he's a little weird, right?" "yeah, he's weird. he's six. who has that mustache at six?" ( laughter ) it's hard. and, look, you're doing fine. don't think because your life is hard that you're struggling and
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it's going to get better. no. you're not going to get better. no. i haven't even met you, and i know you're doing fine. this is as good as it gets. be content. right, you see people on tv, fame and money and think, "oh, if i could get like that, then my life would be better." no, you'll be worse. look at the people who have it. they're not happy. brad pitt and angelina, breaking up! they're breaking up. good, they deserve it. no, that was arrogance. you don't put two perfect people in one marriage and think it's going to work. that is arrogance! too many options. you could be with anyone on the planet. you want your marriage to last, you need a little funny-looking in it. ( laughter ) you need to look across the table and think, "where you are going to go?" ( laughter ) ( applause ) seriously.
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when you're young and stupid, you think you want a supermodel. no, you moron. you don't want some beautiful girl asking to be taken to europe. you want a girl with a crooked eye asking if you've got jumper cables. yeah, that's a keeper. thank you guys so much. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: his special, "human mule," is available at epix.com. tom papa, everybody! we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ),,,,,,,,,
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, hey! well, that's it for "the late show," everybody! james corden is next. good night! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ( band playing ) ( band playing ) ( band playing ) ( band playing ) ( band playing ) ( band playing ) ( band playing ) ( band playing ) ( band playing ) ( band playing ) ( band playing )
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( band playing ) ( band playing ) ( band playing ) ( band playing ) ( band playing ) ( band playing ) ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ♪ where you come from it's gonna be just fine ♪ it's the late, late show >> reggie: ladies and gentlemen, all the way from tbilisi,

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