tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS December 20, 2016 11:35pm-12:38am PST
late show with stephen colbert is next. our next newscast is tomorrow morning at 4:30. >> see you then. ♪ ♪ >> stephen: mmm, 24. oh, hi! i'm sorry, i was just binge- watching my advent calendar. once i started, i had to see the whole thing. i mean, a virgin giving birth? that's the ultimate twist ending! bravo, j.j. abrams. tonight, we've got some of the best moments from the last few months of "the late show." david duchovny is in my blanket fort, some really bad acting with bryan cranston, and a very rare visit with the boss himself: bruce springsteen. fun fact: my christmas tree here is named "spruce springsteen." and just like bruce, he almost never gives interviews. right, spruce? spruce! >> announcer: it's "the late
show" with stephen colbert! tonight: bruce springsteen! david duchovny! and bryan cranston! featuring jon batiste & stay human! and now, it's the "best in 'late show' retrospectacular end-of- year wrap-up-abration!" captioning sponsored by cbs >> stephen: welcome to "the late show," everybody. thanks so much. welcome to "the late show." i am your host, stephen colbert. ( cheers and applause ) hey, so this is all still happening. ( laughter ) donald trump is really going to be the next president. ( audience booing ) and uh-- yeah, you have been reading my journal. for a while, i was poking myself with a straight pin to try and wake up from this, but now i just keep doing it to feel something. it's so real that trump is now
receiving the classified daily intelligence briefing known as "the book," making it the only book he owns that doesn't have his picture on it. ( laughter ) and today, the transfer of power began when president obama hosted trump at the white house for the most surprising remake of "guess who's coming to dinner." ( laughter ) didn't see that one. ( cheers and applause ) i didn't see that one coming. >> jon: i didn't see that one coming, either. ( laughter ) >> stephen: can you imagine-- just put yourself in that room, that private room when they were together. can you imagine? awkward! ( laughter ) the first african american president sitting down with a president-elect who was endorsed by the klan? a guy who spent five years, created his political career, demanding obama prove where he was born, then denying he did it.
what did they talk about? what was the tour like? ( as obama ) "all right, donald, this is the blue room, over there is the red room, and down the hall is the office i said you were fundamentally unfit for. library's downstairs." ( laughter ) now, getting trump up to speed for the new job might be a challenge because he will be the first u.s. president to have never held any elected office or served in any branch of the military. in fact, donald trump is so privileged that the first job he ever had to apply for was president of the united states. ( laughter ) obama-- have you watched obama? have you heard him yesterday and seen him today? >> jon: yeah. >> stephen: you've got to give it up for the guy. he's amazing. he's being so good! ( cheers and applause ) i've never been prouder. it's the most amazing thing he's ever done. he's being so good about the transition that his team even made a special multimedia presentation just for trump on
the relationship between the executive branch and the legislative. ♪ i'm just a bill ♪ yes, i'm only a bill ♪ and i'm sitting here ♪ on capitol hill. >> stephen: ♪ oh, it's a long, long way. they let him take it home, of course. he's going to need a few repeat viewings to get it all down. they also taught him what a conjunction was. ( laughter ) ♪ interjection! of course-- i've got to breathe every so often or i'll pass out. ( laughter ) of course, trump wasn't alone. future first lady melania was there for a private meeting with michelle obama, to ensure the peaceful transition of speeches. ( laughter ) ( applause ) very important! with pride. america is the envy of the world in that regard. but-- so those are like the headliners. those are the people you foe
about, the candidates, the incoming president. but to be honest, my heart sincerely goes out to everyone who works at the obama white house. i can't imagine how hard this must be-- and i don't have to imagine it because there's this picture of the white house staff watching as obama congratulated trump yesterday. a picture is worth a thousand words, none of which i'm allowed to say on cbs. ( cheers and applause ) after the meeting, trump and obama spoke in front of the press from the oval office where trump was seated with a bust of m.l.k. looming over his shoulder. okay, obama put that there. when he got in there, the bush people had-- who did they have? they had a bust of churchill.
when obama came in, he replaced it with a bust of martin luther king. when trump comes in, he's going to replace that with a bust of the burger king. ( laughter ) president-elect trump thought the meeting went very well. >> this was a meeting that was going to last for maybe ten or 15 minutes, and we were just going to get to know each other. the meeting lasted for almost an hour and a half. >> stephen: that's right. it was supposed to be just ten minutes, but trump demanded the "long form." ( laughter ) after the meeting-- after the meeting, press secretary josh earnest went into more detail. >> president obama came away from the meeting with... renewed confidence. ( applause )
>> stephen: i've got to say, his answer does not give me... renewed confidence. ( laughter ) ( applause ) but we did get some reassurance from r.n.c. chair and trump pocket elf, reince priebus. priebus told reporters, "donald trump is taking this very seriously." well, i've got to say, the fact that reince priebus found it necessary to say that out loud gives me... renewed confidence. ( laughter ) ( applause ) just like i'd have if i was on a plane and, right before takeoff, the pilot hopped on the intercom and said, "ah, this is your captain speaking.
i promise you guys i'm going to take flying this plane very seriously." ( laughter ) ( applause ) and there's proof trump's taking it seriously because he has already put up a new transition web site with the name: www.greatagain.gov. ( laughs ) he's got a dot gov. that's one of the most disturbing thing i've ever seen on the internet, and i've been on the internet. ( laughter ) and "greatagain.gov" shows just how seriously trump is taking the new gig, starting with a page that says "help wanted," which is how a lot of people feel right now. ( laughter ) and if you, yourself, out there, if you're looking for work, they are ready to hire. the site says they need "4,000 presidential appointees, including positions with and without senate confirmations." they also put up this flyer: "government wanted: no experience needed.
no fatties." ( laughter ) and, just tear that off-- and the website also shows how serious trump is about fulfilling the central campaign promise of his hat because there's a form you can fill out to answer the question, "how do you want to make america great?" oh, oh, oh, ah-- maybe elect someone who already knows how to do that! ( cheers and applause ) can i fill that in? is that-- >> jon: yeah, yeah. >> stephen: now-- now, when it comes to filling cabinet positions, trump has cast a wide net, starting with donald trump, jr. hey, don, sr.? if you're trying to tone down the whole "dictator" thing, maybe don't give a cabinet position to your son, kim jong trump. it's a little on the nose. okay? and there's more. the leading candidate for
attorney general is rudy giuliani. ( audience reacts ) excuse me. i have something i just need to do here. excuse me one second. attention, black people. attention, black people. starting january 20, please build an extra 30 minutes into your daily schedule for the nationwide stop-and-frisk. ( laughter ) i don't know how to translate vomiting over a microphone. ( laughter ) ( applause ) guys, it's probably not going to happen because this was just a prop. it's not connected to anything. ( laughter ) and for secretary of state, trump is considering former speaker of the house and angry sack of ricotta cheese, newt gingrich. ( laughter ) ( audience reacts ) that's not bad. i have got to say, that one is not bad. i personally could support sending newt gingrich out of the country.
and for secretary of agriculture, trump is considering texas' sid miller, who caused a firestorm just days ago after his campaign's official twitter account referred to hillary clinton as a "c word." ( audience reacts ) folks, i believe that kind of language has no place in our political discourse... is something i would have said 48 hours ago. ( applause ) now, for education secretary, insiders are speculating that among those who may be on the short list is creationist surgeon dr. ben carson. ( audience booing ) so, no, no, get ready for the new history textbooks, "( bleep ) i made up about egypt." ( applause ) ( piano riff ) keep it light! but hey, don't worry, ladies. you're not left out. you'll be represented in trump's cabinet because his top pick for
interior secretary is sarah palin. ( audience reacts ) ( as palin ) "yep, how's that hopey changey stuff goin'? drill, baby, drill. forget about yosemite park, yosemite sam now uncle sam. sam i am. don't go bugging, tree hugging bloggers because i'm calling the loggers. we're frackin' old faithful, you're going be grateful, executions in sports stadiums. arrest your enemies. tie a typewriter around his neck, what the heck, shoot him, he's getting away. tag, trig, trip, knick knack, paddywhack, tick tock out of wedlock, give your dog a bone, e.t., phone home, snow machine." ( cheers and applause ) god, she's exhausting! ( laughter ) and, what? i'm being told the grand canyon has committed suicide. it jumped into itself. ( laughter ) that's right. trump's plan to drain the swamp of corruption means bringing
back giuliani, gingrich, christie, and palin. it makes sense. they're exactly what i'd expect to find at the bottom of a drained swamp. ( applause ) now, if you're one of the small minority of the majority of voters who didn't vote for trump, just remember-- all through the campaign, he assured us that he was going to surround himself with the best and the brightest. >> i'm going to get the best people for the job. i would use the greatest minds. we are going to have the smartest, the best negotiators in the world, and i know most of them and, believe me, i know people you have never heard of who are better than the ones that you did hear of. >> stephen: oh, good, oh, good, because the ones i did hear of are a pile of garbage. ( laughter ) and then-- ( cheers and applause ) we're not done! and then there's trump's white house staff. i know i am super excited to find out what role there is for
omarosa. she was trump campaign's director of african american outreach. oh, newsflash: the trump campaign was doing african american outreach. and evidently, hiring omarosa was all of it. well, on election night, we got a glimpse of the future when, after hearing that former republican candidate lindsay graham did not vote for trump, omarosa told a reporter, "it's so great our enemies are making themselves clear so that, when we get in to the white house, we know where we stand. i would never judge anybody for exercising their right to the freedom to choose who they want. but let me just tell you, mr. trump has a long memory, and we're keeping a list." ( audience reacts ) wow. an enemies list. they went from zero to nixon in no time flat. ( applause ) now, that's all worth noting. that's worth noting because some people in late night have said one or two things that were critical of donald trump. ( laughter ) but, look, that was just in the
heat of election night, right? surely if omarosa did more of a sit-down interview, she wouldn't paint the trump administration as some vindictive predator savoring its chance to use the office of the president for payback. >> every critic, every detractor will have to bow down to president trump. it's everyone who's ever doubted donald, who ever disagreed, who ever challenged him. it is the ultimate revenge to become the most powerful man in the universe. >> stephen: it was sam bee and seth myers! they're the ones who said all those horrible things about you. i was just joking the whole time. all hail our glorious leader! giant hands! you've got giant hands! you're going to be great! ( cheers and applause ) ...is what a pussy would say. ( cheers and applause )
wait a second here. wait a second. ( audience chanting stephen ) wait a second. sit down, sit down, sit down! stick around, everybody. we've got a great show for you tonight! ( cheers and applause ) that's charmin ultra strong, dude. cleans so well, it keeps your underwear cleaner. so clean... you could wear them a second day. charmin ultra strong. it's 4 times stronger, and you can use less enjoy the go with charmin.
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> audience: bruce! >> stephen: welcome to the show. >> thank you. thanks. >> stephen: thank you for being here. >> my pleasure. >> stephen: it's an honor to have you. do you recognize that song they were just playing there? >> you're going to have to tell me. >> stephen: that was "you can't judge a book by its cover." >> get out! >> stephen: yeah. which is on the companion album to your book. the album is called "chapter and verse." 50 years of music on here from you.
>> yeah. >> stephen: that song, too. >> 50 years and loss of hearing for me, also. right. >> stephen: so "you can't judge a book by the cover." how old were you when you recorded that? >> well, that was recorded in a little club called the left foot in freehold, new jersey-- ( cheers and applause ) whoa! you've never been there. ( laughter ) and i was 16. 16. >> stephen: wow. well, if you can't judge a book by its cover, let's talk about the cover of this book right here. there it is, your new memoir "born to run." ( cheers and applause ) so let's judge this book by its cover. can you tell me about this guy on the cover of this book? how old are you there? ( laughs ) >> i'm 27. >> stephen: you're 27. >> 27. >> stephen: what would you-- what do you think this guy at 27 would say if he saw this guy at 67? >> okay. "where'd my car go?
( laughter ) who's the old man in the suit jacket? and what did he do with my hair?" ( laughter ) i'd say-- ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: so, why did you write a book? you've been writing for years, you know. it's an autobiography, but your songs-- unless i'm wrong-- are auto-biographical. >> they seem that way. >> stephen: yeah. they seem that way? have you been lying to us in the songs all these years, bruce? >> well, that's what artists do. they lie in service of the truth, so-- >> stephen: really? >> of course. >> stephen: is that what you tell the judge? ( laughs ) so what were you able to do in a book that you couldn't do in songs? >> a book is very different. you have-- you have to-- you still have to find rhythm, and you have to find music in the prose that you're writing, but there's a lot more space to delve into deeper details. and also, an autobiography, people know is immediately about
your life. whereas the songs, there's always a question, you know. "are you the guy in 'racing in the street'." are you the guy in 'growing up?' in some cases, i am that guy. in others, it was completely imagined. in the book people know, it's directly from your experience. >> stephen: well, it's, um, it's like your music in that it's-- it's beautiful, incredibly moving. every-- practically every paragraph that i've read in this has been like poetry. >> whoa! ( laughs ) >> stephen: no, but also-- but, no-- >> let's go there. >> stephen: but it's also like listening to you talk at the same time. how long did it take you to find the voice of this book? what was the process of writing this book like for you? >> it started when we played the super bowl, which is, even if you've been at it a long time, it's a little bit of a hairy-- a hairy evening. >> stephen: you might slide on your knees and grind your groin into a camera, in the middle of it, like i seem to remember you doing. >> that's true.
that's just one of the many things that could happen. ( laughter ) but after it, you know, it ended up being quite an experience, so i wrote a little essay to put on our website, and i kind of liked the voice that i found in the essay. it felt like me. so we were in florida for a while after the super bowl, and i sat around, and i said, well maybe i'll throw some memories down from when i started. so i just started from the beginning. and i spent about two or three weeks writing, and initially i thought, well, you know, i don't know what i'm going to do with it. maybe it will just be for the kids to read or something when they get older. and then i wrote a little bit more, and i wrote a little bit more. and i put it away, sometimes for a year, or even longer when we toured. and i come back to it and i go, yeah, that's pretty good. maybe i'll keep going. so, eventually it got to a point where i knew i was in the process of writing a book, and--
but i really kind of wrote it somewhat casually over seven years. >> stephen: so this is seven years of your life represented right here. >> yeah, i think so. two years, if you compact it all in one space. >> stephen: well, one of the things you say in here is-- this theater, actually, appears in the book. the ed sullivan theater. >> incredible. >> stephen: because you had a turning point in your life. you awoke to something beautiful, you say, when you saw this. jimmy? ♪ you ain't nothing but a hound dog you ain't nothing but a hound dog ♪ >> stephen: how old were you when you saw elvis presley play here at the ed sullivan theater? >> it still looks great. >> stephen: yeah. that's 50 years ago this month, that performance is 50 years ago this month. >> really? that makes sense. i'm 67. so i was-- six, seven years old. >> stephen: so what did you think when you saw it? >> it's amazing because i was
actually that young, but it had a tremendous impact. i'm curious as to where he stood here? >> stephen: i don't know where he stood, but i've been told that the pictures of the screaming girls for both elvis and the beatles were up there in that corner right over there. ( cheers and applause ) >> audience: bruce! >> can we get some of that for me? ( cheers ) lovely. ( laughs ) that's-- that's why i got here. >> stephen: exactly. that would make a good ringtone. so what did you think when you saw it? you said it changed your life when you saw that? >> at seven, i don't know how much of a life i had to change, but whatever i had, it struck me right away. and i ran-- i got my mother to run down to the store the next week and we rented a guitar, and
i took a swing at playing it for about a month. and i gave up. my hands were too small, and they didn't know how-- they didn't really know how to teach in those days. there wasn't anybody teaching "twist and shout, "or "hound dog." you know, it was very methodical. so, i got bored rather quickly and put it away, until i was 14 when the beatles stood on this stage and it happened to me again. so i got struck twice by lightning. >> stephen: was it just the music or was it the screaming girls part of it as well too? ( laughs ) no, just the music? >> no, obviously-- well, at seven i'm not sure. but at 14 it was certainly, "okay, this is four guys. there's all these women. how do i get into that business?" you know? >> stephen: well, i want to talk about how you got into the business and we'll do that, when we come back with more bruce springsteen. ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause )
winter storm decima promises to be the biggest of the decade. with total accumulation of up to three feet. roads will be shut down indefinitely... and schools are closed. campbell's soups go great with a cold and a nice red. made for real, real life. this year at t-mobile, the holidays are on us! switch your family of four to t-mobile, get unlimited everything, and we'll give you $800. that's right! $800 to spend anywhere you want. plus, all season long, get awesome deals on smartphones, tablets, and accessories. hurry in to t-mobile and get your holidays on us. ltry align probiotic.n your digestive system? for a non-stop, sweet treat goodness, hold on to your tiara kind of day. get 24/7 digestive support, with align. the #1 doctor recommended probiotic brand. now in kids chewables.
these as wamy. it's been years! oh, you smell the same. meet my wife and my kids. oh you guys are so good-looking... and impeccably dressed. thanks. it's all old navy. you sending off some last minute gifts? i miss us. you know? you should go to old navy. the entire store is up to 75% off right now. amazing idea. okay, i think i'll go there. get out of here. i don't know what that is. i'm just scratching my eyes.
♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. we're here with bruce springsteen, talking about his new book "born to run." now, a couple of quick questions here. this one comes from an anonymous member of your band, who sent it in to us. "i've heard from people who work with you that you'll occasionally, spontaneously call out a song the band has never played together before. how does that happen and what do you say to your band as they're trying to learn a song they've never played before, ten seconds before 50,000 people while you're counting them in?" >> well, first of all, the entire band are bar band veterans. so they've played hundreds of nights before we ever stood out in front of an audience after we had a record deal. so, there's a common well that we all draw from. i mean if somebody says, "play 'wild thing'" you'll be fired
from the e street band if you don't know how to play that, you know. >> stephen: right. >> so it's-- and there is a secret. there is a little man under the stage, and he has a teleprompter. so, if i get a sign that says okay, we're going to play "friday on my mind" we're going to play katy perry's teenage dream, whatever we're going to play. ( laughter ) he, within seconds, has the lyrics up in front of you, you know. so he's-- >> stephen: okay, follow-up question. >> okay. >> stephen: your top five bruce songs. ( applause ) >> that's tough. you know. that's-- that's a tough one. >> stephen: five out of about 300. let's go. five. >> i'd have to put "born to run" up there. ( cheers and applause ) i guess for me, "the rising" was a big song. ( applause )
um, what do we play, we play "thunder road" really regularly. ( applause ) but "nebraska" was a good one. that was a good one. ( applause ) um, i'm trying to skip-- what. all right, i'll go-- ( audience yelling suggestions ) >> stephen: "bad lands "you play every concert. ( audience yelling suggestions ) >> all right. >> stephen: it's your life, bruce. it's your life. >> these folks are all planted now. you could put jungle-- "racing in the street." that was a good one. >> stephen: these are everybody's top five, by the way. ( laughter ) all right, now, on the companion album, there's one thing i want to point out here, on the companion album here, which again is called "chapter and verse." it's got a couple of dozen great songs on here. one of them is called "henry boy."
"henry boy" has an interesting story about this theater as well which i'll get to in just a second. but how did "henry boy" come about? >> i have no recollection of writing it or recording it, actually. ( laughter ) but, i believe it was on the john hammond demo tape, that was the first thing i cut at cbs when i was still auditioning for my record deal. >> stephen: at columbia records. >> at columbia records. >> stephen: john hammond sent you into a studio to record some songs. >> he produced it. >> stephen: and he produced it. there was an 18-year-old mixer at that session, okay, and that is harvey goldberg. >> i think we're going to have-- >> stephen: and he's a mixer for this show. >> this is a "this is your life" moment. >> stephen: this is your life. he's right below us. he's right below the stage right now. there's harvey! ( applause ) ♪ ♪ >> hello, stephen. hello, bruce.
>> stephen: hey, harvey. anything you want to say to bruce? >> you know, i always wondered what happened to you after the demo. ( laughter ) and i'm really glad that you wrote a book about it so now i can see what went on. good luck with the book. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> thank you. >> stephen: all right, by the way, we found out-- we found out from the historian of this building, that elvis performed right around here. they say this is the spot right around where elvis would have performed. so you made it. >> whooo! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: all right, well, the book is "born to run." it's about your childhood to the present. what's the future hold for you? what's the next chapter? >> same old thing. ( laughter ) >> stephen: yeah? you could probably be governor of new jersey if you wanted. >> no. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: no? and-- >> i think i'll pass on that one. >> stephen: tonight is your birthday. >> it is. >> stephen: tonight is your birthday. ( cheers and applause )
so we got you a little something. we just got a small little something. >> really. >> stephen: this is a copy of the original schematic of the ed sullivan theater, since this building made a difference in your life. >> i always wanted one of those. >> stephen: and, let's all wish bruce a happy birthday, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) "chapter and verse" is out now. "born to run" is available on september 27. bruce springsteen, everybody! ♪ ♪ ( applause ) ( band playing "born to run" ) i noticed it as soon as we moved into the new house. ♪ a lot of people have vertical blinds. well, if a lot of people jumped off a bridge, would you? you hungry? i'm okay right -- i'm... i'm becoming my, uh, mother.
it's been hard, but some of the stuff he says is actually pretty helpful. pumpkin, bundling our home and auto insurance is a good deal! like buying in bulk! that's fun, right? progressive can't protect you from becoming your parents, but we can protect your home and auto. progressive can't protect you from becoming your parents, okay everybody... thatwrap?!rap! i forgot to wrap my presents! i forgot to get presents! what? no, no, no! what do we do? don't worry guys! hey siri, is target the place to get last minute deals? siri: bullseye! yeah! radical! woohoo! let's go! race ya! get 10% off electronics this wednesday only, at target. your favorite things come together at the holidays, with our new flavorfilled pairings. enjoy our freshly filled pastas bursting with indulgent flavors. and perfectly paired with irresistible steak, shrimp or chicken. comfort and joy,
love and laughter, happiness and cheer. served with all the salad and breadsticks you want. bring flavorfilled pairings and your family together this holiday... at olive garden. are how clear windexith makes your windows? introducing...schmindex! look! windex makes glass too spotless and too dangerous... but shmindex makes it dirty shmindex. order yours today you could spend the next few days weeding through w2s, pay stubs and bank statements to refinance your home. or you could push that button. sfx: rocket launching. cockpit sounds. skip the bank, skip the paperwork, and go completely online. securely share your financial info and confidently get an accurate mortgage solution in minutes. lift the burden of getting a home loan with rocket mortgage by quicken loans. (whisper) rocket
personal question? >> no. >> stephen: okay. can i ask you an impersonal question? >> yes, please, that's what i'm here for. >> stephen: you're an adult, right? >> yes, i am, albeit one with boyishly good looks. >> stephen: that's true. ( cheers and applause ) but do you ever miss being a kid? >> yeah. >> stephen: yeah, me too. do you ever dream of a place where you can go and be a kid again? >> yes, i do, i do. but that's just a beautiful dream. >> stephen: no, david. it's a beautiful reality, inside my blanket fort. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ >> stephen: hey, david? >> stephen. >> stephen: hey, david?
are you awake? >> yeah. >> stephen: oh! that's so scary. that's so scary. don't ever do that again! hey, hey-- no! no, i'm not joking! don't, don't! >> i'm sorry. >> stephen: don't! my mom didn't put any pads down here. ( laughter ) it doesn't happen that much anymore but you don't want it to happen. >> okay. >> stephen: hey, david? >> yes, stephen. >> stephen: hey, david? >> yeah. >> stephen: have you ever seen a bra? ( laughter ) >> yeah. one time my mom took me to j.c. penney's and they were on lady mannequins. it made me scared and excited. ( laughter ) hey, stephen. >> stephen: yeah. >> what happens when you sneeze and no one says "god bless you?" >> stephen: you go to hell. ( laughter ) that's what my brother says, he says you go hell. unless you say "heavens to betsy" at the same time.
>> does that really work? >> stephen: if your name is betsy. ( laughter ) >> stephen. >> stephen: what? >> i feel like we're being watched. ( laughter ) >> stephen: that's my sister. >> oh, it is? >> stephen: go to bed, lulu! you're not scaring us! hey, david? >> stephen. >> stephen: do you have hair down there? >> oh! ( laughter ) what! no way! you're only two months older than i am! ( laughter ) how is that possible? >> it's a real busy two months, though. ( laughter ) >> stephen: how many? >> how many? >> stephen: how many? >> eight and a half. ( laughter ) >> stephen: you must be really strong. >> you know, like, your
grandfather who is bald, and he combs the hair over the bald part? >> stephen: yeah, yeah. ( laughter ) ( applause ) all the way over? wow. wow! hey, did you hear about the special hug that moms and dads do? >> yeah, i saw a book about it once. there's a lot of grunting and sweating, and when it's all over, everybody's really happy, except my mother. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: yeah, i heard about all the grunting and the sweating. you know-- you know what they call it? >> yeah, the heimlich. >> stephen: i heard they had to do it to my grandma at a restaurant. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause )
are you crying? are you-- are you crying? don't cry! >> i hope she left a big tip. ( laughter ) >> stephen: hey, are you gonna-- are you gonna watch the "aquarius" two-hour commercial free season premiere this thursday on nbc? >> ( bleep ) yeah. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: david duchovny, everybody! ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) ♪ for me? oh my... [gasps] what is it? it's samsung gear vr. you put it in there... push the play button. oh... [gasps] [laughter] this is crazy! oh my gosh! whooooah! wow. [sighs] [laughter] you've gotta try this. ♪
♪ ♪ ♪ how else do you think he gets around so fast? take the reins this holiday and get the mercedes-benz you've always wanted during the winter event. now lease the 2017 gla250 for $329 a month at your local mercedes-benz dealer. but so we don't have tormin wad to get clean. charmin ultra soft gets you clean without the wasteful wadding. it has comfort cushions you can see that are softer... ...and more absorbent, and you can use up to 4 times less. enjoy the go with charmin.
an oven-baked digiorno? or waiting for delivery? did you have that beard when we ordered? a hot, fresh-baked crust? or? did we order extra soggy? don't settle for delivery. rise to the occasion. it's not delivery. it's digiorno. kohtake an extra 20% offurs. already low sale prices when you spend $100 or more like fine jewelry already 55-70% off toys already 10-60% off and fragrance gift sets already 15% off. plus earn kohl's cash. kohl's.
♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. we're here with our friend bryan cranston. now bryan, i don't know if it's any secret that i'm one of your biggest fans, you're one of my favorite actors, and one of the things i love about you, you often play complex, multifaceted characters like walter white or donald trumbo or robert mazur in the new movie "the infiltrator." >> thank you. >> stephen: i just love the subtlety and the complexity by which you reveal things. >> thank you for saying that, i
have been very fortunate to play these complex characters and i love how they subtly reveal themselves to the audience. >> stephen: of course i think that the test of a great actor is can you play the opposite, a poorly written character, that just kind of like walks in and awkwardly announces his entire back story. ( laughter ) do you think you could handle something like that? >> i think i was born thinking i could-- i can handle that. >> stephen: well, that's great to hear. that's great to hear. ( cheers and applause ) >> why is that? >> stephen: why? why is that? i will tell you why that is. because this is "the late show presents too much exposition theatre." ♪ ♪ >> the late show presents too much exposition theatre. ( cheers and applause )
( knocking ) >> what's this? i haven't had a visitor since being betrayed by my devious half brother bertram chevaliers who chorus girl mother had a torrid affair with my late father on the beaches of marrakesh. ( laughter ) >> hello, it is i bertram chevalier. dear despicable half brother heathcliff sharmopoulos. and as you know well, i ran off to cairo after i married your ex-mistress beatrice longfellow, who a you abandoned in that mineshaft in budapest. >> stephen: ha, i had no choice after the two of you pistol whipped my beekeeper higgins mctavish and convinced his stepdaughter audrey to join that hungarian nunnery. >> well, audrey had nary a choice after contracting malaria on that canoe trip to sicily and
losing her rare stamp collection in that illegal subterranean poker game. ( laughter ) >> i trust that you refer to the same poker game in which our third cousin lucretia threw her glass eye at that corsican matador. >> she had to distract him lest he find out about your deadly bee allergy which kept you from asking the hand of audrey mctavish. >> the aforementioned beekeeper's daughter. >> yes. after she left, you fell into deep despair, from which you are just now only becoming to see a glimmer of hope. hope! that was crushed the moment you heard my knock on the door. >> well, let's cut this bit of casual but very informative chit-chattery. tell me, what brings you here? are you finally going to assert your right to the dukedom to fund your opium ring in
kafiristan. >> nay, nay, i say nay. >> stephen: are you man or a horse? >> i just came to return your dust-buster. ( laughter ) >> stephen: oh. >> there you are. >> stephen: thanks, much, when did you borrow this? >> let me see, i can't really remember. >> stephen: oh, all right. okay, bye. >> bye. >> stephen: all right. wait! come back. there's something you should know. >> what is that? >> stephen: look over there. >> yes. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) oh, much better. >> stephen: "the infiltrator," a film which stars bryan cranston is in theaters this wednesday. >> yes, it is. >> stephen: bryan cranston, everyone. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
♪ ♪ >> stephen: so, did you figure out how all my guests tonight were connected? that's right, david duchovny was in "working girl" with joan cusack, who was in "high fidelity" with bruce springsteen. while jack black was also in "high fidelity" and "kung fu panda three" which featured bryan cranston. congratulations, i knew you'd get it. before we go, sometimes things happen here on "the late show" that we don't expect. like donald trump getting elected president. ( laughs ) surprise!
but sometimes it's something fun, like when fergie spontaneously jazzed it up with jon batiste and stay human during the end credits. i'll let fergie play us out. good night! ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ are you ready to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ♪ where you come from it's gonna be all right ♪ it's the late, late show >> ladies and gentlemen, all the way from the pompidoux in paris, france, give it up for your