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tv   Late Night With Seth Meyers  NBC  March 29, 2018 12:37am-1:38am PDT

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♪ >> announcer: from 30 rockefeller plaza in new york, it's "late night with seth meyers." tonight -- john cleese, host of "glam masters", actress laverne cox, comedian joyelle nicole johnson, featuring the 8g band with brendan canty. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ladies and gentlemen, seth mers. >> seth: good evening. i'm seth meyers. this is "late night." how is everybody doing tonight? [ cheers and applause ] that is great to hear. in that case, let's get to the news. according to the "washington post," president trump boasted at a fund-raising dinner last night that he made up information in a meeting with canadian prime minister justin trudeau. trump is so bad at lying he lets the public immediately know he lied.
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[ laughter ] if trump ever had to take a lie detector test, he'd probably just draw the crazy lines himself. [ laughter ] "i did not collude with russia." [ laughter ] according -- according to the "new york times," special counsel robert mueller has subpoenaed the trump organization to turn over documents, indicating the investigation will likely last for several more months. okay, look, i know you have to be thorough. but at this rate, by the time you're done, our only ally will be luxembourg, eric will be secretary of state, and it'll be illegal for me to make jokes about any of it. [ laughter ] when someone is drowning, you throw them a life preserver. you don't throw them a nine-part dvd series on the history of swimming. [ light laughter ] that's right, special council robert mueller subpoenaed the trump organization to turn over documents, making it the first time mueller demanded documents directly from trump's businesses. you think trump's businesses keep records?
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[ laughter ] the trump university textbooks were just wikipedia pages printed out and stapled together. [ laughter ] russia said today it's prepared to retaliate against the latest round of u.s. sanctions against the country. they intend to start by making copies. [ laughter ] [ applause ] president trump, today, commented on a recent attack against an ex-russian spy in london, saying it certainly looks like the russians were behind it. and then he provided some shocking proof. [ laughter and applause ] according to "politico," the publishers of former fbi director james comey's upcoming memoir are taking extreme precautions to prevent the manuscript from leaking. yeah, it would be a shame if something got out at the wrong time and ruined everything for him.
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[ light laughter ] billionaire investor warren buffett is order -- is offering his employees $1 million per year for the rest of their lives if they can fill out a perfect march madness bracket. said buffett, "it's just a fun little way to remind my employees that i can buy and sell each and every one of them." [ laughter ] a new report has found that more animals have died while in the care of united airlines than any other u.s. airline over the last three years. while animals who flew spirit airlines only wished they were dead. [ laughter ] [ growling ] [ cheers and applause ] and finally, according to ride-hailing app uber -- [ light laughter ] 'cause if i said "uber" you wouldn't know what i meant. according to the ride-hailing app, uber -- [ light laughter ] no, not that uber, the
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ride-hailing app uber. [ light laughter ] and finally, according to ride-hailing app uber, some of the most unique items forgotten in cars were a burger king visor, divorce papers and a "star wars" encyclopedia. although maybe if you'd lost the burger king visor and the "star wars" encyclopedia earlier, jerry, you wouldn't have gotten divorced. [ laughter and applause ] ladies and gentlemen, we have a great show for you tonight. he has a north american tour, "monty python and the holy grail with john cleese." john cleese is here tonight! [ cheers and applause ] just thrilled that he's back. she's the host of "glam masters" on lifetime. one of our favorites, laverne cox is back on the show. [ cheers and applause ] and we'll have stand up from the very funny joyelle nicole johnson. so you're here on a great night. [ cheers and applause ] before we get to all that, president trump admitted in a private speech that he lied in a meeting with canada's prime minister, an admission that comes amid major news in the
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russia investigation and rumors of more staff turnover in the white house. for more on this, it's time for "a closer look." ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: president trump met with the prime minister of ireland today and reminisced about the time he used to spend at his golf resort there. but he offered a very weird answer when an irish reporter asked if trump ever planned on visiting the country again. >> are you gonna come visit us soon? >> i will. i love it. i love it. i have property there and i may never get to see it again. [ laughter ] >> seth: why does he think he'll never get to see it again? is robert mueller going to make him wear one of those ankle bracelets? [ laughter ] "i'd love to come, but halfway over the atlantic that thing starts buzzing like a son of a bitch." [ light laughter ] trump was then asked if he played golf, a question he turned over to the prime minister. >> do you play golf? >> i do play golf. >> you play golf -- >> you play golf, right? >> i don't, but i'm always willing to learn. so if you can take me for a few rounds.
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>> seth: a reporter asked donald trump "do you play golf?" [ light laughter ] where's that guy been? "you get to ask the president one question." "oh, i got a good one. [ laughter ] oh, i got a real stumper for him." [ light laughter ] what were his other choices? have you ever hosted a reality show? how about dating models, have you ever tried that? [ light laughter ] i also love how trump just assumes every head of state plays golf. "you don't play? what do you do on saturdays and sundays? [ light laughter ] and mondays? tuesdays, wednesdays, thursdays and fridays?" [ laughter ] in a way, though, it was at least a relief to see trump making nice with an ally, given his penchant for instigating pointless squabbles with some of our closest partners, like, for example, canada. today audio surfaced of a fund-raising speech trump gave on wednesday where he admitted to outright lying to canada's prime minister justin trudeau about the u.s.'s trade relationship with canada. >> at a fund-raiser in st. louis, president trump seeming to admit he made up facts in a meeting with his canadian counterpart
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justin trudeau. nbc news has obtained an audio recording of those remarks from a republican donor. >> this guy, good looking guy comes in. donald, we have no trade deficit. he's very proud, 'cause everybody else -- you know, we're getting killed with them. so he's -- i said, "wrong, justin, you do." i didn't even know. josh, i had no idea. i just said "you're wrong." you know what? because we're so stupid. >> seth: in fairness -- in fairness, "i lied because i'm stupid" is the truest thing trump has ever said. [ laughter and applause ] totally true. totally true. according to the "washington post," trump also made out of thin air, a very bizarre story about how japan supposedly uses gimmicks to keep u.s. cars from being sold in japan. and even his own advisors have no idea what he's talking about. here is the full quote from trump. "it's called the bowling ball test. do you know what that is? that's where they take a bowling ball from 20 feet up in the air and drop it on the hood of the car. and if the hood dents then the car doesn't qualify.
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well, guess what? the roof dented a little bit and they said, 'nope. this car doesn't qualify.' it's horrible, the way we're treated. it's horrible." [ light laughter ] what are you talking about? [ laughter ] are you sure they didn't drop a bowling ball on your head? [ light laughter ] "no dent." [ laughter ] "you should see the bowling ball." trump's admission that he just makes stuff up comes amid an unprecedented level of turmoil in his white house. we've already seen a staggering number of staff departures from omarosa and rob porter to chief economic advisor gary cohn, communications director hope hicks, and the president's personal assistant john mcentee. the white house is turning into that crappy restaurant you worked at in college. do you remember that? you'd like take two days off and when you came back there were four trainees and a new manager. and now there's moussaka on the menu and you thought, "oh, this place isn't going to make it." [ laughter ] apparently trump's aggressive reshuffling of his team comes from a newfound confidence in his ability to do the job and make choices without the constraints placed on him by
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advisors. amid rumors of even more staff departures coming soon, one former white house official told "vanity fair," "the president is finally realizing he is the president. [ light laughter ] he's just making these decisions on his own." and that is terrifying. that's like in "jurassic park" when the velociraptors figured out how to open doors. [ laughter ] one day john kelly -- [ applause ] one day john kelly's going to be like, "all right. i locked him in the oval office and put on fox news. there's no way he can get out. wait! what's that noise? [ laughter ] clever girl." [ applause ] now one of those decisions trump has learned he can make on his own was his choice for chief economic advisor. in the past, that position has been held by academics and financial titans. but as usual, trump went a different route. he chose a cable news pundit.
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>> another personality is joining the trump administration. the president has now selected cnbc commentator larry kudlow to lead his economic council. >> he has been a senior contributor on cnbc with a television show. >> seth: so trump is just filling his administration with people he sees on tv. i guess we should get ready for white house chef guy fieri, surgeon general mcdreamy, and secretary of defense the general. [ laughter and applause ] but hey, just because someone's on tv doesn't mean he's an idiot, right? i mean -- [ light laughter ] it doesn't mean that, right? maybe larry kudlow is a perceptive guy who knows a lot about financial markets and is good at predicting economic trends. let's see what he had to say about the economy in december 2007, just as the great recession and one of the worst financial collapses in history was getting under way. >> the tech sector is up 15% and it does not look like a recession to me. for 2007 as a whole, we're looking at a 3.1% rate.
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that is so far. and it doesn't look like a recession at all. >> seth: so trump just hired his chief economic advisor, a guy who couldn't even recognize a recession when it was already happening. [ light laughter ] that's kudlow's worst take since his live commentary on the flight of the hindenburg. >> here comes the hindenburg, look at her fly! and those beautiful flames, such a nice touch! as everyone knows, the fire helps keep it in the air. what a well-designed aircraft. looks like she's coming in for a landing. oh, the humanity! [ light laughter ] >> seth: of course, all of this was touched off by the abrupt firing of secretary of state rex tillerson. trump's relationship with tillerson has always been tense, but the low point was that infamous report that tillerson had called trump a moron behind his back. and tillerson seemed to rub salt in the wound any time he was asked about that report by going out of his way not to deny it. like in this "60 minutes" interview just last month. >> why didn't you deny calling the president a moron?
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>> you know, that's a really old question. >> you understand that by not answering the question, some people thought you were confirming the story. >> i think i've answered the question. >> you think you've answered the question? >> i've answered the question. >> did you call the president a moron? >> i'm not going to dignify the question. >> seth: you may not be dignifying it, but you're definitely answering it. [ light laughter ] interviewing rex tillerson is like having a conversation with a bullfrog. in fact, a bullfrog would probably be just as forthcoming. >> did you call the president a moron? [ croaking ] [ laughter ] >> seth: of course, when he first nominated tillerson, trump pretended to be very excited about his secretary of state. now he's doing the same thing with his proposed replacement for tillerson, cia director mike pompeo. trump specially praised pompeo for having opinions that are very similar to his. >> i've worked with mike pompeo now for quite some time. tremendous energy, tremendous
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intellect. we are always on the same wavelength. >> seth: if pompeo has tremendous energy and intellect, then you're not on the same wavelength. because in regard to energy, you walk like you're dragging an iv stand with you, and in regard to intellect, this is how you spelled marine corps earlier this week. [ laughter ] also, i'm sorry, but i don't believe trump even has a wavelength. trump's inner thoughts probably sound like an fm radio station during a zombie apocalypse. if you can hear what he's thinking during meetings, it would sound like this. >> they're working on it right now, the lawyers, go ahead. >> but we need to get started. [ radio static ] >> help us! we're all alone. [ light laughter ] >> seth: so why does trump like pompeo so much? well, for one thing, pompeo has a record as a trump loyalist and hard-line conservative. he published his own benghazi report when the republican committee found no wrongdoing by hillary clinton. and during the campaign, he actually tweeted out links to hacked e-mails posted by wikileaks. he's also said that the
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intelligence agencies have concluded that russian meddling did not affect the outcome of the 2016 campaign, when in fact they found no such thing. and in one especially foreboding moment during his confirmation hearing, pompeo was asked about russian hacking. and this is true -- out of nowhere, the feed just cut out. >> as you know, chairman burr and i have committed to conduct a review of the intelligence supporting the intelligence committee's assessment that russia, at the direction -- [ light laughter ] >> seth: that happened. the feed just cut out right when they started talking about russia. who was the cameraman? [ laughter ] now if trump really -- if trump really is firing people he doesn't like, that's very troubling. there's already speculation that he might try to fire mueller just as the russia probe heats up. in fact, just this afternoon we got more major news when the "new york times" reported that mueller has subpoenaed the trump organization to turn over documents, including some related to russia.
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this investigation is so slow. it's like watching a porno in real time. "all right, i ordered the pizza. now we wait." [ light laughter ] i think i speak for everyone when i say, "just get to the good stuff and slap that baby on trump's ankle already." [ laughter ] this has been "a closer look." ♪ [ cheers and applause ] we'll be right back with john cleese, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> announcer: for more of seth's "closer looks" be sure to subscribe to "late night" on youtube. ♪
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome back, everybody. give it up for the 8g band right over there. [ cheers and applause ] all this week we've had the drummer and founding member of post-hardcore punk legends fugazi sitting in with us. be sure to pick up the self-titled album from his new band, the messthetics, available march 23rd on discord records. brendan canty, everyone. thank you for a fantastic week. [ cheers and applause ] also, quick reminder, this saturday on "saturday night live," my old colleague bill hader is gonna be back on the show hosting. just a reminder to watch that. arcade fire, musical guest. should be fantastic. our first guest tonight is a comedy legend, oscar-nominated writer, and founding member of the iconic comedy group monty python. you can see him on his north american tour, "monty python and the holy grail with john cleese." please welcome back to the show
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john cleese, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ >> seth: welcome back! >> it's nice to be back. >> seth: it's been a while. you are touring around doing the show. are you -- where do you even consider that you're living right now? where do you live? >> in hotel rooms. >> seth: yeah. do you enjoy hotel living? >> uh -- no. [ laughter ] what i find about hotels is really -- they're quite bad, you know. [ laughter ] >> seth: what do dislike about hotels? >> well there's lots of things. i mean first of all, you can never get the room temperature right. >> seth: i agree with that. >> right? secondly, when you want to go to sleep at night, there's always one light and you can't find where the switch is. [ light laughter ] >> seth: yep. that's also very true. >> then they charge you $10 a
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bottle for -- >> seth: for, like water. >> water. >> seth: yeah. >> you know? but what i -- what i love is the madness. quick story. hotel in miami, right? went to the spa, had a massage. came upstairs and i got a phone call. "hello, mr. cleese, you left your slippers" -- these actually. >> seth: okay. >> "in -- in the spa. may we bring them up?" i said, "of course you may." so -- [ knocking ] oh, thank you. they're in a nice bag, very good. could i have some identification? [ laughter ] so i said, "now, you called me mr. cleese and you know my room number." and they said, "we'd like some formal identification." >> seth: oh, my god. >> so i went over and i got my autobiography, where -- [ laughter ] held it up to my face. you notice the similarity? [ laughter ] that's john cleese. and you know what he said?
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"i'm afraid that's not good enough." [ laughter ] >> seth: i love the level of scam that someone would have to pull to get a free pair of slippers. [ laughter ] >> but they're on automatic, you know? >> seth: yeah, that's true. >> what amuses me is that when you get into the room, the hotel room, and you go -- [ clears throat ] and you have a little mucus in your mouth. you want to clear it. you walk around the room looking for the tissues. >> seth: yeah. >> you know where the tissues are? they're in the bathroom that far from the toilet roll. [ light laughter ] you see? so if you're in the bathroom you got a choice of tissues. >> seth: right. >> i mean where else in the apartment -- >> seth: that's true, there's never -- >> so you take them, you know what i mean, and you put them on the desk so that when you're doing your computer -- >> seth: yeah. >> so you get back later that day and the -- [ light laughter ] the maid has moved them back in the bathroom. >> seth: yeah. [ light laughter ] which is nonsense. >> so you take them out again and the next day she takes them back in again. you know, i don't know -- >> seth: as if they'd wandered
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off on their own. >> well, she knows where they ought to be. >> seth: yeah, that's true. how dare we tell her how to do her job. this is very exciting. you're traveling around with "monty python and the holy grail," a personal favorite of mine. and so people love this movie now. it was not a joy to make, though. is that accurate? >> oh, it was miserable. it was -- [ light laughter ] scotland in april. and the weather in scotland is really bad except for two weeks in september. >> seth: yeah. >> and we were just miserable. we were wet. we got on the mountainside with strange chainmail with knitted string. and after about ten minutes it was starting to rain and we could afford about three umbrellas. i mean the film was made for $400,000. >> seth: that's crazy. >> crazy! >> seth: i mean, the interesting thing is it looks beautiful because scotland looks old. >> yes. >> seth: so it looks accurate to what you were doing. >> and the castle -- we were only allowed to film in this one castle, doune castle.
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and we tried to film everywhere else. they said, "oh, no you can't have comedy here. that's real history here. you can't do comedy." it is now a tourist spot. >> seth: really? the actual monty python -- >> doune castle, the actual monty python, attracts tourists from all over the world. >> seth: that's so funny. and you did have to come up with some inventive things that people probably credited as comedy writing, but were actually done out of necessity for your budget. like the actual coconuts for the horses. >> yeah. >> seth: you guys couldn't afford horses. is that true? >> no, no, that's -- [ laughter ] that is why michael palin, bless him, came up with the idea of the coconuts, you see. >> seth: that's so funny. >> you know it is that -- necessity is the mother of invention. sometimes you don't have much and you have to improvise. that's sometimes when the very best ideas come through. >> seth: did you ever -- so, "monty python," you made that for $400,000, that was your first one, of your movies, yes? >> yes. >> seth: did they start giving you more money for the other movies or were they always shoestring? >> well, then after that we did "life of brian," and this extraordinary --
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[ applause ] >> seth: yes, please. >> thank you. it's just an extraordinary story. we couldn't get anyone to give us £2 million to make "life of brian." you know, it took a fortune. >> seth: yeah. >> we couldn't get anyone. and we went 'round to england and then came to the studios here in hollywood and new york, and nobody was prepared to put the money up. >> seth: was it because they didn't -- but was it because about the -- that it was about religion, or just they didn't think it would work? >> well, i don't think that at that point that was so much of a problem. >> seth: oh, funny. >> but then the most extraordinary thing is, eric idle rang us all up. i'd already made arrangements to do a movie in vienna with peter sellers, because i thought it wasn't going to happen. >> seth: yeah. >> and eric said, "the movie is on." and we said, "why?" and he said, "george harrison is putting the money up." >> seth: wow! >> he knew george -- [ cheers and applause ] yeah. he knew george. he gave george the script, and george rang him up the next day
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and said, "i'm putting the money up." [ laughter ] and eric said, "what are you talking about?" he said, "i'll put the money up." [ light laughter ] >> seth: that's amazing. >> and eric said, "why?" and dear george said, "i want to see the movie." [ laughter ] isn't that amazing? [ applause ] >> seth: that's fantastic. >> i know. so i mean -- you know, i think it's the best film python ever made. >> seth: yeah. >> and it wouldn't have been made if it wasn't for george harrison. >> seth: yeah, oh, my goodness. god bless is right. [ cheers and applause ] you -- you do a q and a when you show this film. >> oh, yes. >> seth: and what sort of questions do people ask you? do you like -- >> that's what i love, is you don't know. you see, when you do your one-man show you say pretty much the same as you said the previous night. >> seth: yeah. >> and if it's a great audience you have a good time, and if it's a slow audience like el paso -- [ laughter ] you wonder at the end whether they're going to kill you.
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>> seth: yeah. [ laughter ] >> and they're very nice and they clap. so that was their way of enjoying it. >> seth: yes. i do like -- it's nice to engage with people. do you do your q and a at the end or -- >> yes. i do it at the end. you never know what they're gonna ask. >> seth: yeah. >> i mean, when i was doing it with eric a couple of years ago, one -- one quite young, very attractive woman said to eric, "what is your favorite sexual position?" [ laughter ] i thought, "how is he going to get out of that?" and without batting an eyelid, eric said, "oh, the male marital position. that's the man flat on his back with his wallet wide open." [ laughter and applause ] but the strangest one, i mean the one that totally broke me up was -- in -- it was in florida and a lady, rather smartly dressed, middle-aged lady, but very smart, got up and said, "mr. idle, mr. cleese, may i ask you a serious question?" "of course." she said, "did the queen kill diana?"
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[ laughter ] [ audience ohs ] [ laughter ] with 2,000 people there all went -- [ gasps ] [ laughter ] and i was the only one laughing. >> seth: yeah. >> you know, i was -- in the end, i had time to think and i said, "well, certainly not with her bare hands." [ laughter ] but it's great when you don't know what's going to happen. >> seth: yeah. >> i love that. >> seth: you also -- every now and then somebody will walk out of your show. >> oh, yeah. >> seth: and you celebrate that. >> well, i think it's very brave. >> seth: yeah. [ light laughter ] >> you know? because after all, most -- [ laughter ] most python fans aren't trump fans. let's face it. >> seth: yeah. that's true. there's not a lot of -- [ cheers and applause ] >> and if i -- if i do a trump joke sometimes you can see somebody go -- and they get up and they'll walk out to the aisle. and i say, "was it the trump joke?"
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and sometimes they say "yes!" and sometimes they go -- [ blows raspberry ] [ light laughter ] and i think that's great. i say, "please, a round of applause for this very, very brave person." and they get a nice round of applause. >> seth: oh, that's nice. >> yeah, it's nice. >> seth: you just don't let that catch on or else people are gonna just start leaving just for the applause, you know. you don't want that getting out. >> true. >> seth: it's always such a pleasure to see you. thank you so much for coming back. >> thank you for having me. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: come soon. don't stay away this long. >> where are we going for dinner? >> seth: i'll tell you later. john cleese, everybody. for more information go to johncleeselive.com. we'll be right back with laverne cox. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
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♪ ♪ you can't judge sugar looking at the cane, you can't judge a woman looking at her man. you can't judge a daughter by looking at the mother. you can't judge a book by looking at the cover. taking one look. try to read me like a book but i leave 'em all shook 'cuz you can't judge a book by its cover. you can't judge a book by looking at the cover [x2] thisat red lobsterest. with exciting new dishes like dueling lobster tails and lobster truffle mac & cheese. classics like lobster lover's dream are here too. so enjoy these 10 lobsterlicious dishes while you can because lobsterfest won't last. get this weekend at kohl's! and take an extra 20% off!
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♪ ♪ wake up early, o. ♪ slap on some cologne ♪ i'm 85 and i wanna go home ♪ ♪ just got a job ♪ as a lifeguard in savannah ♪ ♪ i'm 85 and i wanna go home ♪ ♪ dropping sick beats, they call me dj nana ♪ ♪ 85 and i wanna go don't get mad. get e*trade, kiddo.
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: our next guest is an emmy-nominated actress who you know from her work on "orange is the new black." she's a judge and the host of "glam masters," which airs wednesday nights on lifetime. let's take a look.
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>> alexandra, tell us about the inspiration for your work and how it came together. >> so my musician's name is starlet. starlet is a rebel. she is a musician who wants to go against all rules. she's the girl that everybody loves to hate, but then, people still want to be her friend. >> i absolutely love the precision with which you executed this crown eye. >> seth: please welcome back to the show laverne cox, everyone! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> seth: laverne, i am so happy to see you! >> i'm so happy to see you, seth meyers. >> seth: i have so many questions about "glam masters." >> i love saying your name, like your first and last name, seth meyers. >> seth: oh, thank you so much. >> seth meyers.
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>> seth: i like hearing it all at once together like that as well, it's great. [ laughter ] i'm sorry that i've been -- i'll laverne cox you the rest of the interview. i'll make sure i say it. >> you can just call me laverne. >> seth: okay, great. thanks. >> or l.c. >> seth: l.c.? oh, is that -- do a lot of people do l.c.? >> we're starting it. it's becoming a thing. [ light laughter ] >> seth: okay, great. on the national tv audience, this is the way to get it out there. so what is "glam masters"? who are the glam masters? >> well, we all are, seth. >> seth: yeah, okay. good. >> not, it's -- "glam masters" is a reality competition show and we're looking for the next big breakout star in the beauty industry. and the winner gets the opportunity to collaborate with kim kardashian west on a limited edition makeup collection for kkw beauty. so it's a reality show competition for makeup artists. and it celebrates the art of makeup and it really is an art. it's sort of like going to a museum. you just saw that clip. it's beautiful art on faces. >> seth: and you work -- kim kardashian is a producer. how have you enjoyed working with her? >> kim is awesome. everyone knows she's a really sweet person. she's distinguished herself in the beauty industry. all of her products sell out in about 15 minutes.
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she had a hand in choosing all of the judges, including me, and all of the contestants. our first challenge of every episode is an express your selfie challenge. kim is the queen of the selfie. >> seth: yes. >> of course. [ light laughter ] >> seth: and your line when people get kicked out is "your glam has not been mastered." >> yes, i say -- [ light laughter ] "i am so sorry, your glam has not been mastered." [ laughter ] >> seth: by the way, it is so much better when you say it. [ laughter ] >> thank you, seth meyers. >> seth: did you have other ones? [ laughter ] >> we had other ones. we played with the idea of, um, "pack your brushes and go." >> seth: okay. >> "we're going to give you the brush off." or "it was not a glam slam, no thank you, ma'am." [ laughter ] >> seth: oh. >> i liked that one, but -- you know, yeah. [ applause ] >> seth: that's not bad. you could have said, like -- "makeup? you better make out!" [ laughter ] >> yeah. i'll run that by the producers. >> seth: okay, thank you. [ laughter ] will you just let them know it
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came from me? >> yes. >> seth: okay, thank you. >> yes. that was brilliant. [ laughter ] >> seth: what else? so you -- i want to ask about this, did you model yourself over other judges on other reality shows? were there people that you thought, "oh, they're great at this, i want to be as good as them"? >> i think i was subconsciously inspired by a lot of the things that i've watched over the years. it was really hard to say "i am so sorry, your glam has not been mastered" with a straight face and to like, you know. seriously, so -- a lot of rupaul just sort of seeped in subconsciously, and a lot of tyra banks. i've watched "top model," like every season, even when she wasn't judging. i'm hosting, i still watched. and little oprah, a little heidi klum. one day you're in, the next day you're out. [ light laughter ] >> seth: oh, so she does out too. it's kind of like mine. makeup. >> you and heidi klum -- you and heidi klum, like, separated at birth. [ laughter ] >> seth: yeah. would it have worked if i did it with a little heidi klum accent? [ german accent ] "makeup? you've got to make out." [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] better, right? getting better, stronger.
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>> that was it. >> seth: it's growing on you. >> that was it, seth meyers! >> seth: you got a start, l.c. -- your start. ten years ago, you were on a reality show called "i want to work for diddy." >> yes. >> seth: where it was basically a reality show to pick diddy's assistant. >> correct. >> seth: you did not meet him then. >> i did not meet him. so i lasted six of ten episodes, and he didn't start working with the contestants until episode seven, after i was eliminated. i did not take that personally. and so, i did not meet diddy until a few nights ago. >> seth: and you did, and there you go. you threw it up and you basically gave him credit for -- he gave you your first break on television. >> ten years later! ten years later, and he was so sweet. he said, "i'm so proud of you," and, "you're just killing it in the game." he was so sweet. and actually, his assistant, he was like -- christina was his assistant. he was like, "christina, let's invite laverne to some of the events at the house." diddy events are pretty amazing. >> seth: yeah. >> and then she texted me and gave me diddy's cell phone number. >> seth: that's amazing. >> i have diddy's cell phone number now! can you believe that? [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: that's great. >> he is the richest man in music right now.
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did you know that? >> seth: i did not know that. >> he made more money last year than anybody else in music. >> seth: i've met him so many times, he hasn't even come close to giving me his e-mail or his cell phone number. >> aw. >> seth: he said for tour dates, go to diddy.net. [ laughter ] what were some of the things you had to do to be diddy's assistant? like, what were the challenges? >> oh, my god. that is still one of the craziest things i've ever done in my life. i remember the first challenge. at one point, we had to run a bunch of errands for diddy, and i think one of his sons wanted a surf board. and so, at one point, we're running through times square on a friday night at like 10:00 at night -- it was packed -- with a big surf board. >> seth: where did you get the surf board? >> we had to go from, like -- the bad boy offices on 54th and then run down to like 42nd street. there was a store there. >> seth: oh, gotcha. >> some surf store of some sort. and then one of my favorite challenges, we had to do a viral video. and me and my team came up with this idea, because diddy loves applesauce. did you guys know, he's obsessed with applesauce? >> seth: no. >> so we had this idea that this applesauce bandit has stolen all of the applesauce and we have to
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go and catch the applesauce bandit to get diddy's applesauce. and so, we had this lovely guy named -- oh, my god, what was his name? it's been so many years. he played the applesauce bandit and i played diddy's assistant and we were running around new york city to catch the applesauce bandit. [ laughter ] and at one point, i like slip and fall. i was running around in heels by the way. i slip and fall and i like slide and roll and people thought it was fake, and it was not. i skinned my knee and all of this stuff for reality tv. >> seth: wow! [ light laughter ] and based on how little i saw it, i don't think it went viral. [ laughter ] i don't know if i remember the applesauce bandit craze of ten years ago. >> we won the challenge. >> seth: okay. i take it back. i'm very excited about this. you have a song out. you recorded a song. >> yes! i recorded my very first song, it's called "beat for the gods." and you have to say it like that, "beat for the gods." and do you know it means to be beat, yes? >> seth: to be beat? to be defeated. to lose in a contest. >> girl, girl, girl. [ light laughter ] girl, bye.
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no. [ laughter ] to be beat -- to be beat means that your makeup is expertly applied. >> seth: oh! >> to beat your face. >> seth: i see, the other usage. >> yes. [ laughter ] it's an lgbtq-plus thing. >> seth: okay, gotcha. >> and then when you're beat for the gods, your makeup is applied so well that it is heavenly, that it is divine. >> seth: oh, my goodness. >> the song is a salute to makeup and loving and loving on yourself. it was inspired by my makeup artist, deja. she beat my face for the gods once and i was like, "oh my god, i'm beat for the gods." that would be a good song for the kids to vogue to. and yeah. [ laughter ] >> seth: that's fantastic. i'm so excited, and i'm so happy for the education. and i can't wait till the next time my wife puts makeup on to tell her she's beat for the gods. [ laughter ] she'll know what i'm saying? >> can you say, "you're beat for the gods?" can you say it that way? >> seth: i'll say, "you're beat for the gods," and then she'll be like, "makeup? you better make out." [ laughter ] [ applause ] give it up for laverne cox, everybody! "glam masters" airs wednesdays on lifetime. we'll be right back with joyelle nicole johnson. [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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have reportedly agreed to meet at a summit on april 27th. earlier this month, they had agreed to hold such a meeting... but no specific date was given until now. it )ll be their first meeting in more than a decade. and the search for a man who police say attacked a teenage girl, jogging on a path in palo alto, this afternoon. the man put a gun to her head, and sexually assaulted her. and sexually assaulted her.
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and sexually assaulted her. ♪ ♪ get high speed internet from at&t. $30 per month. no extra monthly fees. more for your thing. that's our thing. visit att.com/internet. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: our next guest is a very funny comedian you can see
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regularly at the comedy cellar here in new york. please welcome to the show joyelle nicole johnson, everyone. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> yes! hi, guys. how are you doing? [ cheers and applause ] oh, my -- clap it up for me. i'm in love -- [ cheers ] with myself. yeah. [ cheers and applause ] oh my god, i'm so happy. i -- like, i love all my shortcomings and everything like that. like, i'm petty as hell. [ laughter ] this how petty i am. me and my roommate are fighting right now. and when i left the house, i took the amazon firestick remote with me. [ laughter ] [ applause ] i'm rude. she's on the last episode of "the handmaid's tale." she is pissed. [ laughter ] you will not know offred's fate until this fight is over. [ light laughter ] i'm also angry, that's fine. i'm a black female in america over 30.
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i earned it. [ light laughter ] but it comes out when it shouldn't sometimes. like, i was recently in d.c. at the american history museum. which i thought going in was the natural history museum. so you can imagine my confusion. [ light laughter ] i was like, "presidents ain't natural!" [ laughter ] so i walked to the help desk. it was me and another female friend of mine and there was a nice white guy there, and he was jovial. and -- [ laughter ] he was like, "what can i help you ladies with?" i was like, "we've never been here before. what should we see?" and he was like, "you two ladies should see the first ladies' exhibit." because that's what ladies like, right? things about ladies. [ laughter ] rage. [ laughter and applause ] i was pissed! i was, like, what the bumbaclot b.s. -- i'm not even jamaican, okay? [ laughter ] i switched cultures with my
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rage, and then, fine, i was like, "all right, whatever, i guess i got to go see this." [ light laughter ] so i went up there and i saw michelle obama's first inaugural gown. and i was like, "this is exactly what i wanted to see!" [ laughter ] just taking pictures with the dress. [ light laughter ] he knew i wanted to see some dresses. whatever. [ light laughter ] i also know that i'm angry -- when angry and petty meet, that's something that i call panger. for example, i don't like my little cousin, because she owes me 30 bucks. [ light laughter ] i know that's petty but i lent her the money for alcohol, not for like a college application. you know? [ light laughter ] it's like, "i'm gonna need that back." i'm a road comic. 30 bucks? that three lincoln tunnels off peak on an easy pass. all right, people? [ laughter ] so i let some time go by. sent her a text message. i was like, "what's up with that 30?" [ light laughter ] her response was -- "ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm" --
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she's 19, so she typed 95 ms. "umm, you need to get your life together if you're asking me about 30 bucks." [ audience oohs ] rage, once again. [ laughter ] i didn't even see red. i saw fuchsia, okay? [ laughter ] we're not in primary colors anymore. i was so mad. and the part that hurt me about it was that i was nine years old when she was born. her mother was a teenager and she used to leave her with me. and it's just like, girl, i could have killed you! [ laughter ] had your life in my hands a myriad of times. now you owe me 30 bucks. i don't know how to feel about that. her mother was 17, so she'd come home yelling at me. "why'd you forget to change my baby?" probably because i'm 9. [ laughter ] you know what else i forgot to do today? wipe my own ass. [ laughter and applause ] i'm 9 years old. i wasn't thinking about changing babies.
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i was daydreaming about diving into a room full of gold coins, because i was watching "duck tales." life is a like a hurricane. '80s babies in the house. [ cheers ] now you're right, since we're talking about stuff i didn't do. you're right, i didn't change her. but i also didn't kill her. why is nobody bringing that up? [ light laughter ] you left a newborn with a 9-year-old for hours. she's still alive. i don't get no points for that? whatever. [ light laughter ] and i did feed her. so we all know babies, right? three things you got to do with babies. feed 'em, change 'em, don't kill 'em. those are the three things you got to do with babies. [ light laughter ] i was 9 years old. i was, like, two out of three ain't bad for a 9-year-old. [ laughter ] [ scattered applause ] two out of three. also why you don't leave your newborn with a 9-year-old. i don't feel bad about that joke, because i paid 30 bucks for it. all right? my name is joyelle. thank you guys for listening to me. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: bravo!
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joyelle nicole johnson, everybody. we'll be right back. that was great. thank you so much. [ cheers and applause ] foaming body wash. pump, foam, hydrate new dove men + care foaming body wash t-mobile keeps your family connected with new iphones. which is great... ...unless your parents thought you were studying. somebody's busted. join t-mobile, buy an iphone 8, get an iphone 8 on us.
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you are worthy of your dreams. put them.... on the internet... ♪ ♪ >> announcer: for more "late night," go to latenightseth.com. follow us on instagram and twitter @latenightseth. and be sure to check us out on youtube and facebook. head over to itunes and subscribe to the "late night with seth meyers" podcast. you'll get "a closer look" and more downloaded right to your phone. fire fighting is a very dangerous profession.
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we have one to two fires a day and when you respond together
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and you put your lives on the line, you do have to surround yourself with experts. and for us the expert in gas and electric is pg&e. we run about 2,500/2,800 fire calls a year and on almost every one of those calls pg&e is responding to that call as well. and so when we show up to a fire and pg&e shows up with us it makes a tremendous team during a moment of crisis. i rely on them, the firefighters in this department rely on them, and so we have to practice safety everyday. utilizing pg&e's talent and expertise in that area trains our firefighters on the gas or electric aspect of a fire and when we have an emergency situation we are going to be much more skilled and prepared to mitigate that emergency for all concerned. the things we do every single day that puts ourselves in harm's way, and to have a partner that is so skilled at what they do is indispensable, and i couldn't ask for a better partner.
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[ cheers and applause ] >> seth: my thanks to john cleese, laverne cox, joyelle nicole johnson, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] give it up for brendan canty and, of course, the 8g band. stay tuned for carson daly. we'll see you tomorrow, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ >> carson: hey gang, welcome to "last call." i'm your host carson d

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