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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  October 31, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am PDT

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? >> i think it's probably going to be her or donald trump. >> i wish they could just get along. >> donald trump. hillary clinton is a liar. a big liar. >> the inside of my eye patch smells like hot dogs. >> history, first woman president. >> when will this be over. donald trump is always shouting. >> what's going to happen? i don't know. obviously, hillary is steeped
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washington, but ultimately, this is offset by years of experience necessary to deal with a complicated world. i like butter fingers the most. >> announcer: it's "the late show with stephen colbert" with stephen colbert! and welcome ruth wilson, j.b. smoove! and the ghost brothers! jon batiste and "stay human." live from new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ? captioning sponsored by cbs
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( cheers and applause ) hey! welcome to "the late show." i'm stephen colbert. thank you for being in here, out there, all around the world. happy halloween, having a good time? ( cheers and applause ) very nice. hope you like my costume. i'm dressed as the spookiest october surprise: f.b.i. director james coooo-meyyyy! ( cheers and applause )
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because, on friday, comey re-animated the corpse of the hillary clinton e-mail scandal. it's alive! it's alive! comey sent a letter to congress saying the f.b.i. may have found more clinton e-mails. and that's spurred a lot of questions like "how damaging is this?" "will it throw the election for trump?" and "what's a letter? is that like a gif that doesn't move?" the f.b.i. found the emails while investigating illicit messages sent to an underage girl by clinton aide huma abedin's estranged husband and es-strange guy anthony weiner. ( laughter ) apparently, they found them while searching his laptop. dear god, i hope they used gloves. ( laughter ) and some purelle, just soaked it
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so, in a shocking twist, anthony weiner's penis might destroy two political careers. ( laughter ) powerful! that's powerful! it's a monster! ( cheers and applause ) get out of there! get out! the calls are coming from inside his pants! ( laughter ) the clinton campaign has finally found something even messier than wikileaks. it's weiner leaks. ( laughter ) n, want to use tongs. ( laughter ) this october surprise comes right as secretary clinton was riding high in the polls in the wake of sexual assault accusations against donald trump. truly, for the clinton campaign, horny men giveth, and horny men taketh away. ( laughter ) ( applause ) what's amazing about this -- >> jon: wow... >> stephen: it's true.
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just days before the election, and trump wasted no time grabbing this story by the weiner. >> this is the biggest political scandal since watergate. her criminal action was willful, deliberate, intentional and purposeful. >> stephen: uh... it was also voluntary, conscious, resolved, designful and aforethought. ( applause ) so that guy's going to i'm telling you, he may not win the election but he's going to ace the a.c.t.s. >> jon: that's right. >> stephen: so this is it. e-mails that could tip the election in favor of a sexually ravenous, shambling, orange baby man. so what do they say? these emails must be explosive, to defy the longstanding policy of the justice department that discussing investigations could taint the results of an election, now a mere eight days away. they must be packed with
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incontrovertible evidence of malfeasance, abuse of office, and unprecedented levels of corruption. so what does the letter say? "the fbi cannot yet assess whether or not this material may be significant." so nothing. or everything. that's like a captain yelling "all hands on deck! head to the lifeboats! at some point, maybe. i have no further information!" the f.b.i. didn't even have a warrant to read the emails until last night. and it's going to take awhile, because apparently they now have to read 650,000 emails. my god! how much boner pill spam does anthony weiner get?
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so to recap: here's what we know. nothing. we don't know what's in the e-mails. we don't know when we're going to know what's in the e-mails. we don't know what effect this is going to have on this election. i don't know why comey sent this letter. it's like the old saying, if a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, it's still more informative than james comey. ( cheers and applause ) now, comey defended his actions in a letter to f.b.i. employees, "of course, we don't ordinarily tell congress about ongoing investigations, but here i feel an obligation to do so, given that i testified repeatedly in recent months that our investigation was completed. at the same time, however, given that we don't know the significance of this newly discovered collection of emails, i don't want to create a misleading impression." yeah, you wouldn't want to create a misleading impression.
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gathers all the suspects in a room and announces "one of the people in this room is a murderer! now if you'll excuse me, i have dinner reservations." ( laughter ) boo! rif so, james comey, it's not a letter, but i do have a message for you, and it's behind this hand... ( cheering ) but i can't release what it is until after the election. and hillary's not the only politician who had a tough weekend. remember chris christie? he sure wishes you did. ( laughter )
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>> jon: tough situation. >> stephen: once a big deal. he was one of 700 republican candidates who got beaten like a rented mule by trump. then after christie dropped out, he became trump's lackey, standing awkwardly behind him at rallies, and even getting trump's mcdonald's orders. of course, when you go get mcdonald's for trump, it's not called a happy meal -- it's called a sad meal, and, instead of a toy, it comes with ( laughter ) after all that, now it's being reported that back in july "trump offered christie his v.p. slot, then rescinded the offer." apparently, trump told christie he was in, but trump's campaign manager paul manafort didn't think christie was a good choice. he must have received a tip from anyone living in new jersey. ( laughter )
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not a popular fella. so manafort pulled off a daring bit of political espionage. during a campaign stop in indiana, manafort lied and said trump's plane needed repairs, forcing trump to spend an extra night in indianapolis, then manafort set up a meeting with mike pence... and the rest is history. just like the republican party. ( cheers and applause ) maybe. who knows. who knows. you don't know. you don't know. those plane repairs are the second time a made-up transportation problem killed chris christie's career. so, on top of being a campaign strategist, paul manafort is the quirky best friend in a romantic comedy who goes to elaborate lengths to make sure the couple meets. this november, keep your eyes out for "my best friend's vetting" and the sequel "you've
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i'd watch that! ( cheers and applause ) that's a good movie! i'd watch that in a minute! ( laughter ) now, all of this email stuff didn't get in the way of me watching the cubs this weekend. you guys watch the games this weekend? ( cheers and applause ) lost the first two at wrigley, but last night brought home the first winning world series game and as a fan of the cubs, i can tell you with confidence that they will not blow it tonight. ( laughter ) also, in football, the new -- you think football, thing with the pointy ends.
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the new england patriots played the buffalo bills right here on cbs, and there was some quite unusual unsportsmanlike conduct because someone threw a sex toy on the field in the middle of the game. right by the end zone. come on! come on! when your coach told you to "leave it all on the field," this is not what he meant! ( applause ) now, i can't tell you exactly what was thrown because, even though it originally broadcasted on cbs, they will not allow me to name what sex toy it was. but let's just say, if bilbo baggins had a "d" in his name instead of a "b," you'd have a pretty good idea, because it's a (bleep). ( applause ) it would totally change the lord of the rings, too. ( laughter )
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regulations by kicking it off the field. ( laughter ) annnnd it's goooood! and we've got a good show for you tonight. when we return, i'll be looking at donald trump's outreach to minority voters. so stick around. ( cheers and applause ) ? ? ? ? one smart choice leads to the next. ? the new 2017 ford fusion is here. it's the beauty of a well-made choice.
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( cheers and applause ) ? >> stephen: hey! welcome back! give it up for jon batiste and "stay human"!
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>> jon: you got it! >> stephen: i still got it, baby! ( cheers and applause ) you know, folks, despite the the polls. so donald trump needs every vote he can grab. which is why his campaign has been reaching out to minority voters. like this new ad targeting indian-american voters. before you watch part of it, i want you to know, we didn't edit this clip. this is really how it goes. ? >> the indian and hindu
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friend in the white house. ( cheers and applause ) we will defeat radical islamic terrorism. i look forward to working with prime minister modi. ab ki baar trump sarkaar. we love the hindus, we love india! i am donald trump, and we approve this >> stephen: wow. that is jarring, convoluted, and confusing. i guess whoever cuts his hair also cuts his ads. not all his minority outreach is going that well. check out a trump rally in north carolina this weekend. >> we have a protester. by the way, were you paid $1,500 to be a thug? where's the protester? where is he? was he paid?
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out. >> stephen: here's the deal -- that guy was a trump supporter. proving that not even donald trump can believe he has a black supporter. ( cheers and applause ) okay? okay. so here's the thing -- once again, that supposed thug that trump threw out of his rally was a man time trump supporter who was told by security he just wanted to give him a note. now he's told, we'll move you to a separate but equal trump rally. this supporter did not let it discourage him. he said it was all fine and
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common experience for trump black supporters. a donal trump rally in grand ra, michigan. trump bupter bill farber, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) thank you so much for being here. >> thanks for having me stephen. make america great again! >> stephen: thanks, bill. have you had the same kind of problems at trump rallies that c.j. cary had? >> no, not at all, stephen. in fact, they treat me like a celebrity. people are as and i get all the free "blacks for trump" signs i can hold. >> stephen: so you haven't been paid by democrats to disrupt this rally? >> no, i'm just here to offer my support and to give mr. trump this letter. ahhh! >> stephen: trump supporter bill farber, everybody. we'll be right back with ruth wilson! ( cheers and applause ) ? go, go! [ rock music playing ]
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( cheers and applause ) ? >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. folks, my first guest tonight is a golden globe winning actress and star of the affair on showtime. please welcome ruth wilson! ( cheers and applause ) ? ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you so much! this is the scariest halloween pumpkin i've ever seen. >> i realize you don't have any
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brought this for you. >> stephen: awful nice. it even has trump's tiny mouth and i'm surprised how big his stem is based on the size of his hands. ( laughter ) >> yeah! >> stephen: let's put it right here. >> i realize pumpkins, like humans, have on their bottom a hole. >> stephen: they do have a hole. cbs is going to blur that, you realize. >> suddenly, this suited the hole very well, if you know what i mean. >> stephen: that's where all his ideas come out of. >> exactly. >> stephen: and you know, for those out there who don't have the keen ear that i do -- you're english. >> very english. >> stephen: do they do halloween in england? >> we do. it's a little more cynical than here. >> stephen: what do you mean? we don't really get dressed
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it's 20 years ago halloween. >> stephen: cut the eye holes out, sheets? >> we do a very low-key version of it. my family and i were very cynical and used to play tricks on the trick or treaters. >> stephen: in america, the kids say trick or treat. >> no, we got to them first. >> stephen: preemptive strike. o me and my three brothers, once we pulled a hose out the top window of our house, turned on the garden time they came we would spray them with freezing cold water. it's mean. it's mean. ( laughter ) >> stephen: you're a terrible person. >> yeah. >> stephen: do your kids go out with your sacks and costumes and go around and get candy. >> yeah. >> stephen: wha what kind of cay do you get over there? >> harrow bow. >> stephen: what is that? like turkish delight?
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>> stephen: everything sounds fancier. >> we want to be french. >> stephen: you hate the french. >> nooget. what do you say? >> stephen: nugget. the part no one wants. >> i'll take it back with me. >> stephen: to england? yes. >> stephen: so you would spray the children with water. >> yes. it's not a dumb thing, it's just ou particularly terrible. >> yes. mean. >> stephen: you got a new movie coming up called "i am the pretty thing that lives in the house." >> a long title. >> stephen: it is a long title. >> yes. >> stephen: it's a spooky movie. >> yeah, it's a spooky movie. >> stephen: is it horrifying? it's fun. it's unusual. it's more like a poem. it's very still. it's like one chord being played. >> stephen: like the raven or
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>> yeah, an edgar allan poe movie. >> stephen: do you scare easy? ometimes the dark scares me, creeky sounds. sharks. >> stephen: there is a reason to be scared of sharks. no one has to say, like, do you believe in sharks? ( laughter ) >> true. >> stephen: i've got no proof sharks exist. >> real things scare me. >> sep to sniend. >> i think stephen speilberg did a service to me as a child. >> stephen: did you see jaws in a theater? >> i watched it at home and behind the couch. >> stephen: i watched it from outside the theater. >> away from the screen. >> stephen: just tell me how it happens. >> yeah. >> stephen: people do crazy things and do shark diving and things like that. >> i have been shark diving. >> stephen: what?
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it didn't work. i always think the shark might enter one of those flaps. >> stephen: the great whites? yes, in south africa. >> stephen: what were you thinking? >> it was exhilarating. i do like being scared. i was in that cage and it was gnawing on the side of the cage and, yeah, it was very scary. >> stephen: do you know what he thought you were? noogot! ( laughter ) there is a spooky movie here. jim, let's show the spookiness.
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(gasps) oh... you scared me. ( applause ) seems like a very happy house you're living in there. >> it's very happy. it's sort of death. >> stephen: you've got kind of an odd affected voice in that. what are you is that your spooky voice? >> it does sound spooky. based on cinderella, actually. >> stephen: do you think of cinderella as a horror story? >> yes. >> stephen: how so? he was trapped in a house. she has to clean. that for me is very scary. she's got a horrible, scary step-mother. >> stephen: yes. i mean, and she's got a weird
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she's weird. and she sings. she has a very high voice. i thought, that's what i'm going to base this character on. >> stephen: cinderella? yes, so i based the voice on cinderella. >> stephen: she sounds so innocent. >> exactly, sounds so innocent, virg nail, but underneath, something is wrong. for a horrible surprise. >> exactly. >> stephen: off movie called "dark river" coming up. >> next year. >> stephen: you described it as the english version of the revenent. >> yes. >> stephen: do you fight a bear? >> no bears but i fight sheep. >> stephen: that is the english version of "the
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( laughter ) >> they're evil. they have horns, come at you, they don't care and they're a bit stupid. ( laughter ) >> stephen: they're herbivores, though. sheer him, make a nice sweater. thank you so much for being here. ( applause ) >> stephen: "i am the pretty thing that lives in the house" is on netflix. ruth wilson, everybody! we'll be right back with j.b. smoove. ( cheers and applause )
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i served under president bush and obama. i fought the taliban. i was asked to form a global coalition to counter isil. when someone makes the comment that they know more about the islamic state or isil than do the generals, it implies a complete ignorance of the reality. but i believe secretary clinton really understands the threat that the islamic state poses to the united states and to the american people. and i believe she understands how to wield american power to ultimately defeat this threat and to keep us safe. i'm hillary clinton
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i'm catherine cortez masto and i approve this message. i don't know what i said, ahh, i don't remember. narrator: and joe heck says i have "high hopes we'll see donald trump become president." trump: you know, you could see there was blood coming out of her eyes, blood coming out of her wherever. narrator: heck says he "completely supports" trump. i love war in a certain way. narrator: and heck? reporter: do you trust him having his finger on the nuclear button? heck: i do. reporter: why do you say that? heck: why wouldn't i? narrator: donald trump and joe heck.
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? ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! folks, my next guest is an actor and comedian best known for his role as leon on "curb your
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>> why would you do that? i do that? why would you do that? >> it's a happy home. obviously not if you're banging the cashier from piggly wiggly. >> you invited her to christmas dinner with your sister who does that! >> what? o does that? who puts paprika in potato salad? >> my fami we just don't do that. >> you're being ridiculous. we're in the middle of christmas dinner. you can talk to her later. come on. >> stephen: please welcome the very funny j.b. smoove! ( cheers and applause )
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>> stephen: nicely done. nicely done. ( applause ) don't sit down, yet. this is splendor. i like this. from here up, you are ready to argue your case before the supreme court. >> yeah! >> stephen: from here down, you're ready for heavy weather. >> no, this is military stuff. this is a camouflage tie, military boots, military style! >> stephen: were you in the military? >> i would go in the military but then i was selling real estate. see what i'm sayin'? ( laughter ) you got to think. i'm outside the box. >> stephen: good. i'm way outside the box. the box is over here. i'm way over here. >> stephen: wow.
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box. i don't want the box at all. happy halloween. are you celebrating halloween? >> i am. >> stephen: do you enjoy celebrating halloween? >> i don't want to change the pace of what's going on right now but i have been watching you backstage on the monitor the whole time. it's bugging me man. >> stephen: what's wrong? i am a man of style. >> stephen: you are. i'm watching you on the monitor and thinking, this man needs a pocket square. ( applause ) >> stephen: you look like you're lining up a putt. i have this. i have a kleenex. >> get that out of here, man. >> stephen: this is a magic trick he's about to do. what? >> not that one. let's see. >> stephen: a little magic music place. >> not that one.
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( playing piano ) >> not too green, not too green. hold on. huh-oh, huh-oh, h huh-oh... >> stephen: oh, that's really nice. yeah. you're in for a disappointment. >> no. >> stephen: yep. oh, no! >> stephen: it's sewed shut! oh, no! you tricked me, man! you tricked me! not too bad. >> stephen: very charlton heston, mid 70s. >> very charlton heston. >> stephen: thank you for being here. thank you for upgrading my style.
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it's a little bit tight. the movie is called "almost christmas." isn't it a little early for it to be almost christmas? aren't we pushing things a little bit at this point? >> i had a big fight with the director. i told him we should call it "damn near christmas." >> damn near christmas. to me, it's the same thing. it's damn near christmas. people say it all the time. it's damn near see? >> stephen: i can see that. i hear "damn near" all the time. i have a friend of mine who "damn near got fired. >> stephen: can i ask you about your last name smoove? >> why not. >> stephen: you're not born with a name smoove, right? ( laughter ) >> of course, not, man. you can't put that on your driver's license.
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up there and i said, ma'am, is it okay if i take my new photo like this? she said, no. >> stephen: do you really want to hand that to a cop when he pulls you over? >> of course. that means i'm okay. everything's cool! ( applause ) come on, man! it's a great idea. they said, no. i said, i can't do that, everything's okay. >> stephen: you're not going to answer the question, how did you get smoove? >> i have -- i was a hip-hop dancer. i was known as jay smoove. my partner was groove. it was groove and smoove. >> stephen: what kind of moves are we talking about? >> any kind of dancing. i'm a worldly guy. i can do hip-hop dancing. i should be on broadway, to be
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right now. this is a broadway theater. >> i should have been in cats. that's what, i should have been in cats. >> stephen: you would be a good cat? >> give us some cat music. >> stephen: give me cat music ( fast cat music ) ( cheers and applause ) ? ( laughter ) >> see that? i'm fabulous, man. hey -- i'm also very good at hip-hop dancing, too. see that there? i do it all. i'm a jack of all trades. i do everything. i'm inside the box. and i'm outside the box. but now you put the box so far
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>> stephen: you look like you need a litter box. that's how good you are. >> that's how good i am. >> stephen: that's how much a jack of all trades you are. >> you know what? dogs should learn how to use litter boxes. that would be great. >> stephen: that would be good. >> how come female dogs pee so different than male dogs? >> stephen: i don't know, and why do female dogs all go to the bathroom at the same time? >> i don't know! >> for being here! thank you! >> stephen: "almost christmas" is in theaters november 11. j.b. smoove, everybody. we'll be right back with the ghost brothers. ?
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( cheers and applause ) ? ? ? ? "when the ship comes in" by the hollies ? oh the fishes will laugh as they swim out of the path ? ? d the seagulls ey'll be smilin'
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? ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! my next guests are three paranormal investigators who search for unexplained phenomena on their tv show. please welcome, the ghost brothers! ( band playing )
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>> stephen: thank you for being here. happy halloween. >> happy halloween to you. >> stephen: is halloween happy for y'all because you are ghost hunters. >> best time of the year. like tax as >> stephen: dailien, jajuan and marcus, are you actual brothers. >> me and jajuan are fraternity brothers and marcus is a distant cousin. >> stephen: i take that as a no. ( laughter ) how did you get to be hunting ghosts? >> it's a crazy idea. i asked my friend, i think we should hunt ghosts, bro.
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is a random wednesday. >> stephen: do you believe? ghosts? >> i believe in the holy ghosts. come on, church! ( piano riff ) >> stephen: what about ash aberrations that comes in the middle of the night and ectoplasm? >> we're on the (unintelligible) h. we haven't stumbled across casper, but -- >> stephen: are ghosts >> stephen: what do you mean, a petty ghost? >> a person who turns into a ghost has to be the most petty person in the world because they're still trying to prove their point. i'm still out here! >> stephen: so they just won't let it go? >> won't let it go. >> stephen: wow. o there are friends you had that you know are going to be ghosts. >> stephen: so anybody who just want to get the last word in, has to be the last person with an argument is going to be
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do you think you would be good at that? >> stephen: i based my career on ghost force a long time. we're never going to get rid of bill o'reilly then. ( applause ) >> definitely not. >> stephen: there are a lot of ghost hunters on tv. what sets you apart from other ghost hunters? >> only that we are television's first black group, black ghost hunters. >> stephen: is that a rarity. we're like the jackie be honest. >> stephen: i'm sure the ghost of jackie robinson is honored. >> he's got to be. >> stephen: all right. well, is there anything about your style? how do you hunt the ghost? tell me, what is this? what is this contraption. >> a good old rem pod. >> stephen: you actually use this in ghost hunting? >> exactly. you set it up. it has an antenna on top, able
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>> stephen: would ghosts have electromagnetic fields? >> yes. everything exerts energy. the energy exerted around the rem pod will light up and make us aware we might not be alone. we love to do it with humor and respect. >> stephen: you respect the ghosts? >> you have to. >> stephen: but they're petty! yeah, but -- >> stephen: we have a clip here to have the humor and respect and the ghost and the brothers. jim? >> all right, you don't have to talk to us. we get it. >> aunties do go to bed early. what time is it? her hair wrapped and everything. >> she done took her bra off, she got her moo moo on. she got a cigarette. >> baby, didn't i tell you to get your ass in that bed? ( laughter ) >> we would love some type of interaction with you.
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so are you in here with us now? >> oh, my god! there it is. just like that. it goes down. ( applause ) >> stephen: it's a great idea for a tv show because you get to search forever for something that you know you will never find so you can never get canceled! >> we just keep trying! >> stephen: fantastic! congratulations! lovely to meet you! here! good luck! watch out for the ghosts! you can watch ghost brothers on destination america! the ghost brothers, everybody! we'll be right back! ( cheers and applause )
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thing they left out is the truth. the truth is crime actually went down during my time in office. that's why i've been endorsed by law enforcement across nevada. i'm proud of my record cracking down on meth, protecting seniors from scams, and holding banks accountable for defrauding homeowners. i'm catherine cortez masto. i approve this message because i've spent my career solving problems. isn't that what we need more of in washington? "she ate like a pig." "i'd look her right in that fat, ugly face of hers..." donald trump calls women "bimbos", "dogs", and "fat pigs." but congressman crescent hardy said he'd support donald trump 100%. nevada, there's a better choice: ruben kihuen. kihuen pushed to crack down on employers who pay women less than men. and kihuen will always protect a woman's right to choose. ruben kihuen for nevada.
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( >> stephen: that's it for "the late show." tune in tomorrow when my guests will be mel gibson, luke bracey, and musical guest, tegan and sara. now stick around corden and his guests, harry connick, jr. and alice eve. goodnight! >> stephen: before we say good night altogether, i want to say good night to this man right here who i've worked with for eleven years. this is john michael john, who sang on this very stage -- how old were you, john? >> eight. >> stephen: when he was eight
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on this stage, and he has been a camera pointed at me for the last eleven years, and i knew, back at the colbert report, that everything was going to be okay when you thought i was good. ( applause ) i love you, old man. >> i love you. >> stephen: thank you. ( applause ) good night. ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by ? are you ready to have some fun ? feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ? where you come from it's gonna be all right


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