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tv   Jimmy Kimmel Live  ABC  March 22, 2018 11:35pm-12:37am PDT

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right now on jimmy kimmel, >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight -- roseanne barr & john goodman. this week in unnecessary censorship. with music from chloe and halle. and now, good news, here's jimmy kimmel. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: welcome. thanks for coming. thanks for watching. thanks to everyone. special regards to those of you who are on the east coast huddled around the television for warpth tonight. for warmth tonight.
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winter storm toby with great power comes great responsibility. spiderman joke. i knew it wasn't going to work, knew it. thousands of flieghts were cancelled. thousands without power in d.c. mostly democrats. was a tough day. poor donald and melania wore forced to stay inside and interact with each other. in fact tweeted a photo. there they are. greeting from the white house. look how happy. stormy daniels shmormy daniels look as though angry smiles watching over american speaking of happy couples franklin barreto and barreto and roseanne barr and john goodman are with us [ cheers and applause ]
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>> "roseanne" is returning to abc. we're one step closer to the triumphant return of "urkle" was another high-profile exit from team trump today. two. one can john doud trump's number one lawyer dealing with the russian investigation design. there's more characters than game of thrones on his legal team. but lawyer for social council is not be confused with michael cohn trump's lawyer who paid off stormy daniels or the lawyer who paid the university or ty cobb his other lawyer for the investigation or david freedman who handed the bankruptcy or the lawyer that he paid off when trump stiffed him when he tried to build trump tower.
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he might with running out of lawyers. i think that's all the lawyers there are. eventually will have to hire one of those spanish speak loirgs off a bus bench. trump reportedly kept ignoring john's advice like don't put your fingers in there. and probably shouldn't finish the whole bucket so john doud quick who are the people who think trump will listen to their advice. only way to get donald trump to do something is to tell him not to do it. he's four years old he doesn't need a lawyer he needs a governe srk s and an hour ago he fired hr mcmaster replacing him with a real wing nut john bolten one of the architects of the war in rierk a war trump said every day on the campaign trail he said he was against and said was a terrible idea and now has hired
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this guy to be his national security advisor. this is john bolten mustached don't tell you everything but this one does. michael bolton would have been a better joyce. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] he'll be gone soon enough. so top lawyer is out, top national security advisor is out poor melania is still in for the duration. meanwhile might need a boxing instructor next. joe biden was talking about trump's behavior around women and said if we were in high school i'd beat the hell out of him. trump ignored it, he was too busy running the country, oh, he didn't. tweeting this -- his --
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well we added that. this is what it's come to. two old men arguing about who could beat the other up. do you think joe biden when they were in high school could he have kicked trump's ass. based on the fact he showed up every day dressed like a christmas nutcracker. this is interesting i didn't know military schools gave yelp reviews, one star. fortunately for the good of all of us trump and biden put the talk aside and 12k50decided to e this man-to-man. >> one night only. the fight america needs. two washington heavyweight. crazy joe biden. donald trump. white house fight house.
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potus versus joeus. live on pay-per-view. >> they should do that all proceeds to charity whoever wins gets to be president. now more on that white house press secretary sarah knuckle be sanders. [ cheers and applause ] >> good afternoon, happy world water day. i'll take your questions now. >> over here over here. >> yes. >> this morning the president tweeted he could beat up former vice president joe biden is this behavior becoming of a president. >> in a w0rd yes it is becoming, you know what else will be coming a one sided joe biden beat down on the hands of donald jlahoya truck zblx did you think there was more productive way for them to settle their differences? >> do i think there's a more
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productive way? >> yes. >> you sit right down or i will beat your sorry ass. got it. no more questions. >> thank you sarah. >> shut up loop nuts. >> i don't know which is me which is sarah any more. okay. sarah. i'll see you tonight. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: be careful with her. you know i mentioned last night our secretary of interr terrot c interrificdecoratesing ben cars sing ben cars decorating had to speak last night had to explain spending and one saying someone from deep state ordered the table we have a deep state ordersing furniture from people. ben carson blamed his wife and claimed more than anything it
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was a safety issue. >> as far as the reporting is concerned it's my understanding that the facilities people felt that the dining table was actually dangerous. >> now you're laughing but his office just released security camera footage and turns out ben carson might be right the furniture did seem to be dangerous. >> ow. stop it. back. ah! why are you -- ah! >> jimmy: wow. well, all right. [ cheers and applause ] least he's getting them now.
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party's up. which was ben carson which was the furniture. speaking of unnecessary things it is thursday night which means it is time to bleep and blur top tv moments of the week whether they need or not. it's this week in unnecessary censorship. [ cheers and applause ] >> ask do i like to debate this gentleman i said no if we were in high school i'd take him behind the gym and [ bleep ] the hell out of him. >> first day of spring is today we're going to [ bleep ]. >> you are so inspiring. your story and big old massive [ bleep ]. >> everything [ bleep ] if it was bad for you everybody? the world would be dead so that's not true. >> this $31,000 table had been bought i said what the brooep is that all about the. >> i used to say toughest people are developers in new york city
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now i say you guys are [ bleep ]. >> it's myth busting monday. question, you can't get pregnant while [ bleep ] see what some of you said on facebook. >> currently twice as many [ bleep ] as last year. >> from [ bleep ] my dog, dogs plural i never just [ bleep ] one dog. >> some buzz among scientists. it's gorilla [ bleep ] up right just like humans. >> i don't know why but i think i will [ bleep ] spongebob's butt tomorrow. >> [ bleep ] the [ bleep ]. >> give him some money there. >> all right we're going to take a break, going to be right back, stick around. . ♪ there's a reason more customers have joined t-mobile in the wireless provider combined.
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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back to the show. roseanne barr and john goodman and music from chloe and halle on the way. first congratulations in order for the host of the 700 pat robertson turned 88 so, so old joe biden threatened to beat the crap out of him. pat is a favorite of ours at the show and wanted to celebrate his special day so put together 88 words for the 88 years he's lived on this planet. >> a lace stocking is more sensual than a bear leg. >> they're wonderful cereals. o oatmeal is one. >> do you do body waxing. >> you must be nice to fat
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people. >> i'm a great fan of beans. >> open your mouth wide and i will fill it. >> pizzas for a gay wedding. >> how come jews have more money than a lot of people. >> anal sex. >> isis. >> happy birthday to you. [ cheers and applause ] >> the towels, the towels have aids. >> jimmy: was a tough day on wall street the dow plunged 744 points fifth biggest drop ever after trump announced $50 billion on tariffs on gooded from china pushing closer to all out trade word. promised to run congress like a business unfortunately run like a byzantine
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a byzantine business run by donald trump. donald trump. a counselman are in new york would ban a bill kvm to prevent are smoking and walking. can no longer smoke when you walk. i grew up in las vegas where it seems parents gave significance receipt jarome iginla rome iginla cigarettes in the fourth great. peanut butter and jelly and four marboroo in there. my aunt smoked like the monkey as a zoo. someone figured out that second house smoke is bad so they stopped allowing it indoors and made it illegal in most places to smoke endurings. i don't smoke. i don't agree. the owner of a restaurant
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personally don't understand why they should do that. no one forcing them to eat or work there but okay that's inside. it's a closed environment. now talking about banning outside, playgrounds, parks, the beach i don't want smoke in my or my kid's face either but to ban smoking for people walking on a sidewalk, you know, now banning smoking inside and outside those are the only two places. my agent is upset. he loves to smoke. there he is doing what he loves. he loves it. there he is with my unto ant chippy. don't know why those cigarettes aren't lit. they fixed that i'm sure. he loves smoking more than his wife and children. he knows these cigarettes are to
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going to kill him. he loves them so much he doesn't care. now baby doll out there walking, if they catch him he's going to jail, and guess what people do in prison, they smoke. what good will it do for baby, sorry baby doll, there he is. i think you might have to move to north carolina. and sorry north carolina. as those of you in our audience know or lined up outside it's raining in l.a. which to us it's all anyone talks about the rain, driving to work in the rain, people complain, oh, no one knows how to drive in the rain, including you, because it never rains here. so my cousin came up with a fun idea went outside and gave out umbrellas to people passing by. people didn't know that the umbrellas that sal was passing out had words on them. >> free umbrellas, who wants a
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free one. stay dry. you look like you're getting wet. you want a free umbrella. all right. enjoy the day [ laughter ] there you go. stay dry okay. >> girl, you know it's true. come on. see you later. >> do we have to bring it back. >> no it's all yurz. >> really? >> wherever you were going. continue. >> want a free umbrella. all yours man. that's not bad. believe me you got off easy. yeah you love feet. right. here you go. take this. [ laughter ] don't worry, kid, i was the same way. [ cheers and applause ]
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>> jimmy: all right tonight on the show we have music from chloe and halle and we'll be right back with roseanne barr and john goodman. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ april's showers ♪ hop,raining dinosaurs ♪ ♪ save some leaves for the omnivores ♪ ♪ now stop. okay! ♪ hop don't walk to the candy store ♪ ♪ me and my friends, we know the score ♪ ♪ c'mon everybody take a stop out on the floor ♪ ♪ say cheese if you gotta toy, gotta boy, gotta girl ♪
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[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: hi. welcome back to our show. tonight two very talented sisters this is their debut al bet it's called "the kids are all right". chloe and halle from the mercedes-benz stage. [ cheers and applause ] guillermo where did he go, he's supposed to be protecting the place. why are you yawning. i understand what's going on. all right. it's time from our guest. from 1988 to 1997 our guests tonight played husband & wife on one of the most successful tv comedies of all time. twenty years later, the conners are back and alive again. "roseanne" premieres again tuesday night here on abc. please welcome roseanne barr & john goodman. [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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>> jimmy: wow what a way to to t this is fantastic. is this the one? is this the real couch? >> no this is a replica. >> the smith sewninstitute wanted too much scratch for the real one. >> the thing about it, it smells just like butt. >> jimmy: what this one? >> no the original. >> the one at the smithssonian. >> jimmy: so strange you would donate it to them and say i want it back. >> too much butt on it. >> jimmy: how you guy dozen did you ever imagine the two of you would be on this couch again? >> no, not really. it just didn't seem like there was much call for it. >> jimmy: yeah right.
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>> i took out an ad on the craigslist. >> jimmy: is that how this came to be? whose idea was it to do the show. >> i'll field this one. i was doing sarah gilbert our original darlene only one darlene she has a talk show called "the talk" on the mutual network. >> jimmy: yes. >> and we did a little sketch on the couch, not unlike this, before the show and was like boy that felt like putting on an old loafer it felt great and during the show she said would you consider a reunion. i said in a heart beat. it was fun. she called rose and said goodman wants to do it. three weeks later we had a deal. >> jimmy: no one asked you before? why didn't i ask you. >> i had to audition again.
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>> jimmy: so is sarah now the boss of the show? >> no i'm the boss. >> jimmy: you're the boss. okay. >> she's bosses. >> jimmy: but sarah is executive producer so she does executive producer stuff. >> yeah she's good at it too. >> jimmy: which is great she was a little kid when you started the show. >> well she was 13 she looked nine. now she's a lesbian. >> that will age you. >> jimmy: and you got both beckys back. >> yeah it's fun. >> jimmy: and now john your character dan was dead on the show. which seems like an obstacle. >> i wouldn't know i was dead. >> jimmy: that concern you? like playing with that reality? >> yeah i had to get into a whole new set of roles. i was -- i'm still waiting for them to do the zombie dan thing.
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>> that be good right. >> jimmy: zombies are very popular on television. >> if you're a real fan of the show you will know dan himself was never dead. >> jimmy: he was never dead. >> he was never dead. >> jimmy: why do you say that. >> because i wrote the [ bleep ]. >> >> jimmy: everyone mourned his death. >> yeah there were mile long parades of cars, flowers. >> jimmy: was that departure on the show, i don't want to go back too far, do want to talk about what's coming, why did you leave the show. >> can i say why he isn't dead. >> jimmy: yeah. >> don't you want to hear this? [ cheers and applause ] >> are you giving something away? >> oh, i might be giving something away, never mind. i'm sorry. i want you to be surprised. >> make something up. >> a lot of the fans asked me that for 20 years and i say i
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will address it and we did. >> jimmy: can i say the thing you figured out. i've seen the episode. it's great. nobody is going to be, first, the whole episode is great but the way you figured out dan's departure and reappearance is really good. second only to jesus [ laughter ] >> hi folks. >> thanks jimmy. >> jimmy: did either of you have specific requirements or demands before up said yeah we're for sure going to do this? >> just we speak to each other through an interpreter. >> yeah. >> jimmy: a buffer? you've always gotten along right. roseanne how many times did you quit the show first time around. >> i wasn't really quitting. don't dave chappelle me. i don't want to get cynic like dave. well i quit the show a lot of times. >> jimmy: you did. >> well i threatened. yeah.
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and then one time. i quit only two times. >> jimmy: when was the first time. >> third show. >> jimmy: third show? >> yeah. >> jimmy: during the taping or had the show not even aired. >> yeah hadn't even aired. >> jimmy: and you were always quitting the show. >> yeah. >> jimmy: did that concern you, john. >> i was in new york shooting the scene of "love" on the week we had off and i got a phone call from laurie who was very upset. >> jimmy: laurie metcalf. >> yeah their repressable aunt jackie. thank you [ applause ] and she was very upset and wondered what i was going to do about it. i said we got to dance with the one that brought us, meaning roseanne. so we had her back. but she took a lot of heat. >> jimmy: you did take a lot of heat? >> yeah. >> jimmy: from whom? >> you know whoever was there.
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>> jimmy: do you even remember who was there. >> well, yeah, i do. i'll tell you this. i used to like voodoo. >> jimmy: really? >> no i'm kidding. i'm kidding. >> jimmy: i never know with you. >> i know. >> that's why i dance allot. [ laughter ] >> but no, i did have trouble. as my mother says i have always had trouble with authority. >> jimmy: always had trouble with authority. >> yeah i just claim it from my own fault. >> jimmy: are you over that now? >> yeah. >> jimmy: you are? >> yeah. i'm on social security now jimmy. >> jimmy: are you really? you're collecting benefits? >> yeah. >> i always had trouble with those under me. >> jimmy: you're speaking of course figuratively. >> i don't have to worry because i'm covered. i'm 65. i've learned to be more calm.
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and not, you know. >> jimmy: yeah and to just let it go. well we're going to take a break and come back, we have many, many things to talk when. >> look at my tattoo. >> jimmy: "roseanne" is coming back next week. we'll be right back. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] snickers® ahmend? a i love ahmends. do you like ahmends? i like almonds... yeah, everybody loves ahmends. everything is ahmend now. you know what i love most about ahmends? ugh... everything about ahmends. my girlfriend's got ahmend hand soap. (grunt) (thud) (alert chime) (crash, honk) driver: it's almond, with an "l". [str[ding]ise] ♪"back pocket" by vulfpeck ♪oh yeah ♪i know that it's taken me all this time to say, girl♪
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what happened to the rest. >> funny story, our insurance doesn't cover what it used to so i got half the drugs for twice the price. >> what are we supposed to do? >> tradesietradesies, i will tr five of my stat ins for five of your n at eye inflammatory and throw in couple blood pressures. >> did you get the pain pill for my bad knee. >> couldn't be the candy man without the sunshine, babe. >> there it is. [ cheers and applause ] it's the real house. still there. when you walk on to the set, was that an emotional experience, seeing that set for the first time? in so long? >> well i've looked for the words and can't find it. it's weirder than deja vu' like
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we took a two week break and came back but now so much older. >> it was like no time like a worm hole. >> jimmy: been 20 years, right. >> uh-huh. >> jimmy: you ran for president during that time. >> yep. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: by the way i do want to say you were the original crazy tweeter. >> yeah trump totally stole my act. totally. i ran my whole campaign on twitter in 2012 and you know what's weird, jimmy, it's really hard to get on the ballot on account of,you know, corruption and stuff, but i was only out on three state ballots, okay, three states, california, colorado, or something, and -- and florida. okay. three state ballots. i still came in sixth. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: not bad.
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by the way two of those states legalized marijuana for recreation use. >> i know i ran on the legalization of marijuana. >> jimmy: who would have guessed marijuana would be so popular. >> i've been baying women hush money for years. >> jimmy: one of the things on the show, i know a lost the television critics got very zietded about the fact excited about the fact roseanne kenner was a trump supporter. >> well she did vote for the president, yep she did. >> jimmy: and i don't want to give anything away but tha par the of the dynamic with you and your family on that show. >> and in real life. it's like everybody's family is pissed off at each other for one thing or another. >> jimmy: is your family mad at you. >> well we had some pro-hillarys and pro-trumps and there was a
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lot of fighting. >> jimmy: weren't you a good friend of hillary clinton's at one point. >> yeah. >> yeah i was. >> jimmy: you were? what happened. i know you very, very down on her. >> down on her? >> jimmy: i think you accused her of being a murdereder on twitter, didn't you. >> i did not! god! yeah. >> jimmy: you know i will find that tweet in the next 40 seconds right. >> i deleted. [ cheers and applause ] [ laughter ] >> i had some disagreement with her foreign policy. >> jimmy: i see with her foreign policy. you like trump's foreign policy. >> she had one. >> jimmy: dan's character -- >> did you agree with her foreign policy?
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>> jimmy: listen never mind her foreign policy, how about captain whacko we got running the country here of i mean the foreign policy. i'm shocked because i know you're socially liberal person in general. >> i'm still the same. you all moved. >> jimmy: we did? >> you all went so [ bleep ] far out lost everything. i mean, seriously. >> jimmy: probably right by the way. >> seriously a lot of your audience and including me, i just want to say this, jim yi,a lot of us no matter who we voted for we don't want to see our president fail. [ applause ] >> jimmy: right. i know. and yet we've seen it over and over again. >> you want pants for the friggin president well nen zip that [ bleep ]. [ cheers and applause ] uh-oh. >> jimmy: this is kind of what the show is like, by the way. >> i was bad again.
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>> jimmy: but you did really hit upon something great, i think. >> thank you. >> jimmy: in that you have this in defend ynamic where people a really experiencing. it's not like we over look it like we used to. >> i know when trump won my whole family was with me, it was around my birthday. >> jimmy: yeah. >> i mean the show will get mad at me for saying this. one of my daughters who will remain nameless. >> jimmy: should give her a name already, i mean, really. >> because he can narrow it down. >> well i have three daughters and all in their 40s. >> jimmy: right. >> so the one daughter, she just started weeping. and she's like, this is the end of our, you know, they're going to deport all of our gays and all that [ bleep ], you know. and i said, just chill. just chill. you know. try to think positive for like
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why people wanted a change. and it's up to the people. here's my two cents, damn it. >> jimmy: okay. >> it's up to us to make this government work. no matter who is president it's up to us to do our job as citizens and if we don't like something, you know, let them know you don't like and you got another election in two years get out there and vote. change it. >> jimmy: that's the way to do it. [ cheers and applause ] can't argue with that. >> i'm getting in so much trouble. >> jimmy: no you're not getting in trouble listen you're expressing your views as crazy as they may be. [ laughter ] we're going to take a break. roseanne and john goodman are here. their show comes back next tuesday. we'll be right back. we get so busy, day to day.
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roseanne has cookies. >> i do, i got my own cookie line called domestic goddess chocolate chip cookies it's actually just a mix so you add your eggs and whatever you want to put and i ask people to write and tell me what they add like if they want to add walnuts marijuana or whatever, you know. >> president pence is not going to have any of that. i'll tell you. >> can i say my web set, roseanneworld.com. thanks. >> jimmy: roseanneworld.com. can i ask one more question about the old days. >> okay. >> jimmy: there's a story that's been repeated many, many times. you're saying it's not true. >> no i'm scared. >> jimmy: there's a story about the writer's room. you have whitney cummings laura mcdonald. >> wanda sykes. >> >> jimmy: that's fantastic. i didn't know that.
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>> bruce halford o. >> jimmy: who is one of the original guys. in the old days did you assign each writer a number so you didn't have to remember their names. >> you know what that's been going around so long. here's what happened. if was just a joke, you know. i had them all with numbers, because they sucked. >> jimmy: john, it seems like maybe you have something to say on this subject. >> she had them branded. >> jimmy: would they wear the numbers. >> i was actually trying to prove to them because i kept saying when you come the only stuff you laugh at is the joke you wrote. you know that's what they do. >> jimmy: zblaulz so whenever i hear somebody laugh i go number 17 wrote that. >> i didn't know that. i thought they were in a marathon.
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>> no. >> jimmy: least healthy marathon in the history of the world. >> norm gets it. >> jimmy: yes but norm also has a name it's norm it's not four. >> no he was 16. >> jimmy: he was 16. are you going to be doing stand up again. >> yeah very exciting. >> jimmy: it's like you turned back time. >> are you opening for judy. >> jimmy: the stand up is it a tour or just dates? >> i'm going to canada for two weeks. first time i've done it for a while. i love doing it. >> jimmy: why canada? >> i love canada because i like the shoping there. and especially if you are in toronto because it's like one of the few places in the world, know you don't know this, but one of the few places in the world where they have a decent bra store where you get normal human sizes. i'm serious. >> jimmy: a bra store.
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>> it's great i don't want to say the name. >> jimmy: why? afraid we're going to run out. >> because of stanley cups. >> it has like size 40 e. >> jimmy: uh-huh, yeah, that's my size, that's weird. >> you know they're not all like 32 ddd like here. >> jimmy: you will go there and stock up on bras. >> i do for the whole year. >> jimmy: how many bras will you buy? >> two. [ laughter ] this is fun. >> jimmy: good thing it's a leap year. it's so great to have you guys. i got to tell you, i'm so impressed with the job you did bringing the show back because it just feels it just picked up right where it left off. and somehow worked two beckys in
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there. >> it was fun a blast every day. >> jimmy: thank you guys for coming. >> thanks jim bow. >> jimmy: and baba booey to you too. roseanne barr & john goodman! the season premiere of "roseanne" airs tuesday at 8pm on abc. and we'll return with music from chloe and halle. >> dicky: the jimmy kimmel live concert series is presented by mercedes-benz. the best or nothing.
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>> dicky: the jimmy kimmel live concert series is presented by mercedes-benz. the best or nothing. >> jimmy: here i am alone on a couch. want to thank roseanne barr, john goodman and apologies to matt damon. we ran out of time for him. i feel real bad about it. this is their album "the kids are alright." here with the song "happy without me," chloe and halle! [ audience applause ] ♪ ♪ i remember we were on the bleachers sharing secrets when we look up it be ♪ ♪ where did the time go time go and i remember you would hold my hand ♪ ♪ and call me baby
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while we dancing in the parking lot so slow bittersweet ♪ ♪ those memories when i see you with her now and it breaks my heart and it breaks my heart ♪ ♪ yeah and it breaks my heart to see you happy without me i remember ♪ ♪ we would stay up late out at the game look up the stars up in the sky ♪ ♪ in the night time and i remember when you used to call me in the morning ♪ ♪ just to see if i was good and i slept right bittersweet ♪ ♪ bittersweet those memories memories
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when i see ♪ ♪ you with her now and it breaks my heart yeah it breaks my heart breaks my heart ♪ ♪ and it breaks my heart to see you happy but the sun will come again maybe one day ♪ ♪ in the future you'll come running right back in maybe one day ♪ ♪ in the future but i feel a little bit dumb just a little bit sprung ♪ ♪ just a little too late know you call up those other chicks i can't stop thinking it ♪ ♪ stay missing you anyways and it breaks my heart and it breaks my heart and it breaks my heart ♪ ♪ to see you happy without me and it breaks my heart and it breaks my heart ♪
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♪ and it breaks my heart to see you happy without me i feel a little bit dumb just a little bit sprung ♪ ♪ just a little too late when you call up those other chicks i can't stop thinking it ♪ ♪ they ain't missing you anyways aye aye aye aye aye aye aye aye aye aye ♪ ♪ aye aye aye aye aye without me ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ]
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♪ this is "nightline." >> tonight cops, cameras, and questions. >> show me your hands. >> dramatic police shooting of an unarmed black man in his grandmother's backyard. the fatal encounter seen from the sky. community outrage at 20 shots fired. and this question, when should police use deadly force. >> plus cold open, for the first time in forever, disney's "frozen" is coming to broad way. we're watching the cast of let it go behind the scenes putting a new spin on an instant classic. >> a sneak peak at

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