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tv   Jimmy Kimmel Live  ABC  April 15, 2015 11:35pm-12:38am PDT

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from all of us, thank you for joining us. >> right now on jimmy kimmle, actor tim alan. >> have a great evening, earn. ♪ with cleto and the cletones. and now take cover. here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ]
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>> jimmy: before we get started, i need to ask you something. for the next hour, when you say you are relying on me to host the show? in a way you are depending on me? would you mind saying it aloud, please, say jimmy, we're depending on you. >> we are depending on you. >> i can claim you as dependents. it's a big refund for me and little known fact the irs has specifically selected april 15th as the day. they knew it was going to likely be a beautiful spring day and they wanted to ruin it for us.
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canada they get until april 30th to file their taxes. they are laughing their canadian asses off. i read a study that said traffic fatalities go up 6% on tax day, presumably because people are rushing to the tax office and doing their taxes while they drive. if you are just realizing it is tax day, don't worry about it. the irs is pretty cool about this stuff. just tell them you spaced. it will be fine. only fun thing about filing your tax return is getting a refund. at the end of the year 80% of taxpayers get money back, which to me is a weird thing to be happy about. nice to get the check. if you get money back, that means you have been overpaying all year long. it's like if someone broke in to your house, stole your stuff and the police recovered the stuff and brought it back and you said, oh, presents. if you are getting a refund this year -- [ cheers and applause ]
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>> jimmy: i have an interesting suggestion as to how to spend it. remember that show "to catch a predator"? the show went off the air eight years ago but might be coming back because the host chris hansen launched a kickstarter campaign for hanson versus predator. this is real. this is the kickstarter page. he hopes to raise month. and total of 400,000. if you donate $150, chris hansen will record your outgoing voice mail message which would be cool if anyone still used voice mail. is that a good thing -- what's your mom going to think when she calls and chris hansen picks up the phone? if you donate $10,000 he will show up at your home and accuse you of being a pedophile. it is the ultimate fan
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experience. i hope they bring back the show. i liked them catching predators. i'd watch "dancing with the predators." at denver international airport, two tsa officers were fired for plotting to grope attractive men. it was a scheme that involved a male and female officer. the way it worked is when the male officer, one specifically saw a guy he found attractive, he would signal his colleague who was a female and she would tell the screening machine that a female passenger was going through, which would set off the machine because it would detect something concealed in the groin area, a suspicious package, if you will, and then the male tsa agent would come around and give the guys privates a pat down. i always liked going through the denver airport. until now i could never figure out why. but the tsa -- [ applause ]
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they fired both agents but if you are a man who's been to the denver airport over the past few months and you were not groped by a tsa agent it means you are not attractive. this is funny. jon gruden, the former nfl coach, does a thing called quarterback camp on espn. he sits down to chat with the quarterback. it is interesting if you like football. this week he sat down with one of the top prospects in the upcoming draft from the university of oregon. pay attention and see if you detect any incongruity from gruden. >> when you came out the tunnel of oregon state. i worried when you came out four grown men wearing all yellow. i thought you were in trouble. you got your yellow uniforms, yellow socks, yellow face masks. i started to root against you because you wore these uniforms.
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they deserve to lose when they are fluorescent yellow. >> says the man who looks like he was bitten by a radioactive highlighter pen. [ applause ] how does that not come up? >> jimmy: the only possible explanation for that is jon gruden gets dressed in the dark. here's an update on one of the big stories of last year. shelly sterling, the wife of donald sterling just won her lawsuit against her husband's alleged mistress v. stiviano. remember her? this woman. he bought her a house, range rover, bentley, ferrari, that ridiculous visor. he bought her $2.6 million worth of gifts over the course of 2.5 years and now she has to pay the money back to the wife. i will tell you something, the opportunity to make sweet love to an 80-year-old racist, that no court can ever take away.
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[ applause ] >> jimmy: this comes to us from the country founder music festival in florence, arizona where one man learned firsthand why it's never a good a idea to fall asasleep in front of your goofball friends. ♪ >> jimmy: am i the only one that thinks that's funny? i don't know. that's why they call it a tank top. you only wear them when you are tanked. if you enjoyed that, this is from mexico. this happened at a rodeo in the town of copa do you know copa
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>> guillermo: yeah, it's a town in mexico. >> jimmy: so glad i have you. this is one of the reasons being a clown doesn't pay. shakes it off. an everyday occurrence. we have to help mexico get the olympics. can you imagine? hey, this is exciting. you know, we have been -- we have been doing this show since january of 2003, which is a long time n. that time, some interesting things have happened. for instance, aaron paul, you know aaron paul from "breaking bad" he used to sneak in this show to see it, as a kid that lived in the neighborhood and now he has three emmys. i love stories like that. i hear them for a while. and kiernan shipka who plays don draper's daughter on "mad men," the cute little girl sally draper.
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when she was a littler girl she used to be on our show a lot. this is a video from 2007. she went to a bait and tackle store to pull a prank with my souzen sal. >> why do you kill fish? >> i throw them back. >> he throws them back. she's funny. >> no, you don't throw them back. they die. >> no, he throws them back. >> that's why we use a small hook so they don't die. >> you are a liar. >> i apologize. >> do you feel like a big man to kill fish? >> this is not a good thing for business. >> you are a scum bag. >> beautiful. >> you are a sick son of a [ bleep ]. >> >> language on she is 15 now and will be with us later. tim allen is 15, too. he wanted to mention.
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when we come back, we will fire up the wall of america and have fun with people on the street. this monologue isn't over yet. we'll see you short limit we'll be right back. ♪ ♪ ♪
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plus, get free delivery, and sleep train's 100-day low price guarantee. sleep train's interest free for 3 event is on now! ♪ your ticket to a better night's sleep ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back. tim allen is here. music from drew holcomb and the neighbors is on the way. before we get to them, let's see who's on the wall of america tonight. joining us tonight on our big, beautiful cisco screen, we have people from all over the country. hello, everybody. how are you guys doing?
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are you all aware it is tax day today? >> very. >> yeah. >> jimmy: out of curiosity, how many of you did not file your taxes by today? gayle did not, tierney did not, vicki did not. catherine did not. we're in a lot of trouble. let's bring tierney on the big screen. i want to have a chat with her. there's something weird behind her and i don't know what it is. first, may i ask why didn't you file taxes? >> well, i was i live in illinois and one the president is from here, two kanye west is from here and three that on-line tax form is not as easy as you think. >> jimmy: what does the fact that the president and kanye west are from illinois you not -- you realize that oprah is from chicago also. she damn well is paying her taxes. she's paying my taxes, too.
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>> maybe she can pay all $24 i owe the state of illinois because they are not getting it from me. >> jimmy: you only owe $24? >> yeah. >> jimmy: it's the cost of a nose ring. you could cover that. >> that's true. >> jimmy: what's on the wall behind you? >> that's a picture of ronald reagan on a horse. >> jimmy: oh, that's odd. >> yeah. >> jimmy: i think you can deduct that. very good talking to you, tierney. who else did not pay their taxes we could talk to and maybe they might have a better reason for it. let's go to vicki. so you did not file your taxes. what do you do for a living? >> i'm a >> jimmy: a professional puppeteer. i think we went in to infinity and beyond with tim allen. look at that. it's gone. all right. you know what's happened here,
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folks, the irs has shut these people down. that's what's going on. [ cheers and applause ] the irs -- i don't blame them. they are not paying taxes they shouldn't have wi-fi either. if you'd like to join us on the wall of america and have me ask you about your personal finances go to jimmy kimmel.com and you'll find everything you need to know. you are all aware that hillary clinton is running for president. she announced on sunday. [ cheers and applause ] shocking announcement. hillary is the front runner early on for her campaign logo -- have you seen this? it is causing controversy. this is the logo. a lot of people are confused by it. they are wondering why a democrat would have an arrow pointing to the right. others are saying the "h" looks like a hospital sign. wikileaks claims she stole her arrow from them. i think it is straightforward, the "h" is for hillary and the
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arrow shows the likes archery. we thought we'd have fun with it. we went on the street and asked people what they thought of hillary clinton's new logo but we didn't use the real one. we used fake ones. this is how it went. >> hillary clinton announced she's running for president. >> sweet. >> she announced her new campaign logo. and it's causing some controversy. we wanted to go to the street and get people's opinions of it. what do you think of the new campaign >> give "discovergive 'em hell. >> she authorized that? >> i think honestly from what i have seen in politics it's all show. everybody knows that. you know that. i know it. play the game. >> is this taking things too
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far. >> she takes a lot of [ bleep ] too far. sorry. >> it's okay. what do you think of the new logo? >> it looks like it's for a grocery store. >> i'm all for people smoking weed, but that's scary. >> why do you think it is scary? >> because she wants to be in charge. like we don't want somebody stoned in charge. >> that's her new logo. >> yes. >> are you kidding? >> no. i really think it's kind of -- like, you know -- >> she claims it is a "w" for win. >> that's not what i see. that's not what i see. >> some people say it is a red bird? do you see a red bird. >> it could be a sideways three, too. i don't see that. >> what do you see? >> i see boobs. >> what do you think of rand
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paul's new campaign slogan? >> i don't know. >> jimmy: i don't know either. we have music from drew holcomb and the neighbors. from "mad men" kiernan shipka is here and we will be right back with tim allen. so stick around. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> announcer: portion of jimmy kimmer live are brought to you by the new autotrader where you can find the perfect car for you. . house! car! oh, raise the roof! no one? remember when we used to raise the roof, diane? oh, quiet, richard, i'm trying to make sense of flo's terrible drawing. i'll draw the pants off that thing. oh, oh, hats on hamburgers! dancing! drive-in movie theater! home and auto. lamp! squares. stupid, dumb. lines. [ alarm rings ] no! home and auto bundle from progressive.
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♪ >> jimmy: hi, everybody. tonight from "mad men" kiernan shipka is here. she plays don draper's daughter sally. and their latest album is called "medicine" drew holcomb and the neighbors from the at&t stage. you can see them live on friday at the grenada theater in dallas, texas. tomorrow night, jamie foxx and betty white will be here. i hear they are dating actually. i heard she might be pregnant. also tomorrow has an exclusive interview with j.j. abramss who's the director of which movie, guillermo? >> "star wars." >> jimmy: that's correct. >> ask if you can play
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. our next guest you can see him at the mirage on may 16th, please say hello to tim allen. [ cheers and applause ] >> oh, no. >> jimmy: i'm glad to see ya. >> you too. >> jimmy: you have so much money. let's be honest. >> i brought a lot with me. >> jimmy: yet you still go on the road and do stand up. that leads me to believe you love it.
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>> well, i'm libertarian anarchist at heart. the only time you get away from studios -- there's a boss. stand up you don't have a boss. don't have to worry about editing. it's your gig. it's how i got started in the business and i enjoy it more than -- my wife and brother convinced me about five years ago to get back from doing charity stuff and um seeing stuff. >> jimmy: do you worry when your wife suggests you go on the road and your brother. >> they are in the same room. >> jimmy: something to think about. at my request and i thank you -- >> actually i am a little upset right now when i think of it. >> jimmy: you brought this along. tell everybody what this is. this is a picture of something that hangs in your home. >> that's the tile of a club i worked -- the first club i worked in detroit. i wrote down, i did it. that was 3/23/79 at the comedy
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castle in detroit, michigan. literally, this is a comedy club. they didn't notice a guy had a knife and i'm tink tink tink. i think the owner is still pissed. >> you vandalized his nightclub. >> jimmy: will you keep this or throw it out? >> it is funny, in comedy i knew i had something. i saw the other acts up there. dave, a bunch of guys from detroit doing well. that night i had 30 minutes of stuff and 18 were okay. five was good. all i did is move the five to the end. all audiences remember is the last five minutes that you do. it was a dare. >> jimmy: piece of your history. >> buddy of mine at the ad agency. finally did it. you keep saying you are going to
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do this. he called me and said what are you a [ bleep ] and i have never had that personality that oh, yeah,ly show you. some reason that guy saying that i went out and did it and the rest is history. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i was unaware of the fact that you at one time worked with male strippers. i also worked with male strippers. >> you do gig. i have done horrible gigs. i did a world series intermission. in the middle of the world series. there was a cage up so they wouldn't throw stuff. in between innings you are doing bits and people are going shut up. get you have. and i'm looking at the owner going stretch a little. i believe it was on the first male strippers. sexy rexy was the name of the gig. they were on oprah. this is bafr lot of weight lifting and channing at the
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and he said can you emcee. they were doing 200, 600, and then 1200. huge venues and at this time 780, $800 was a lot of coin to me. i would have stripped for that. >> jimmy: yeah, right. >> women, if you work -- women aren't used to not getting their way. >> jimmy: women misbehave at male strip clubs. >> there's no end to it. they are like is that it? i don't know what they expected when they came in. but dudes are used to looking at nude women like this. you pay, and then you go away. you don't touch them, otherwise someone hits you with a bat. women get in there and at one point, they get firemen outfits and spandex. they rip the stuff off. a lot of grease and this movement. but they had these little shiny foil g-strings. and that's the end of it.
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they just get down to that. and about an hour in to this, the women are going -- i'm thinking, did you think they were going to service you or something? there are 600 women. they get down and do their thing near the tables and women would tuck money in there but grab, no change in there. they would be in there trying to get. now, this is real. i'm doing a gig. i think it is in ohio and 800 women. and they are kind of pissed. it is the end of the night and they are not getting nichlt there's not literally enough to go around. i don't know what they thought -- it's always trish's birthday party from the office. >> jimmy: yeah, right. >> i swear she was nice when she left. and she had seven gallons of gin in her or whatever and they stop looking at the strippers and i'm doing jokes and saying the firemen, look at his hose or
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whatever. so this group of women why don't you take your clothes off? and then i engaged them, which is not good. i said that's not my image as a professional comedian. i'll tell you who's professional. and she rushed the stage. got my heel of my shoe. and pulled me, i hit my butt. now i'm on the ground. they did that mafia thing where i'm like this. >> jimmy: like a hockey move. >> i can't stop and they rip the front of my pants off. stole my watch. wallet's gone. i don't know what that is about. a woman my mother's age, honest to god. my mom's age comes at me. my arm got loose, by mistake, punched this woman in the thorax. boom. i swear. i didn't mean it. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: life and death situation. >> literally i went where's my watch? give me my wallet.
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and this lady goes back in chairs, my mother's age, right in the thorax. got her good. she hit the chairs, table, glasses fall. she goes you are not getting rid of me that quick. now i'm panicking. no one is going to help me and a nude man shows up, rexy. grabs me by the back. never engage them. he throws me in the back. saved by sexy rexy. >> jimmy: tim allen. we'll be right back. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> announcer: the jimmy kimmel live concert series presented by at&t, mobilizing your world. birthday. d or you know mobile share value plans now include rollover data, so the data you don't use this month rolls over to the next month. wow, even better. so what are you gonna do with your old phone? i'm giving it to my sister emily. she gets all my old hand-me-downs. oh i'm into bedazzling too. and you admit that? yeah...i...i used to be into bedazzling.
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this is ryan's dad. so be nice and treat him like family. >> i can't do both. >> are you sure they don't need you at the store tonight? >> what are you doing? >> i like to photograph people when they first meet victor. sometimes i wish i weren't me soy would have the pleasure of meeting me. >> well, maybe i do need to be at work. >> jimmy: that's tim allen man standing." season finally 8:00 two daughters in real life. how old? >> the youngest one is
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kindergarten, just turned 6. monkeys are smarter than these people. literally, i love this girl to death. kids are -- i'm just okay with them. because literally show and tell. it is some special day. you spend more time in california than the kids do. you go in, you have to paint stuff and volunteer. isn't that what the teachers are for? but show and tell, special day. so little elizabeth says i want to bring the cat. i got my older daughter's cat, she is gone. she left the cat with me but it is a huge, big jo i said, i don't know. he is kind of old and ownry. i get him up there and they sit in little chair and they have questions. and the cat is hissing at me. the cats are not like dogs and they don't wag their tail and run to people. it is making aot of noise.
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kids first question, is it alive? is it alive? what's wrong with you people. one kid forgot his question, i forgot what i said. kindergarteners would perish if you didn't hold their hands. you have to take their hand or other wise they will walk to portugal. i'm surprised we get to this size without a lot of parenting and schooling they just -- >> jimmy: will you go on a field trip with the class? are you that committed? >> yeah. >> jimmy: oh, you will. >> we did a father -- i love -- i actually love it. we go to a camp thing, father/daughter. the little one loves going camping. but i did this whole thing where i got -- i used to sell camping gear and i have this camp thing
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that two people could survive on everest. i get to this camp with dads who have done this and clearly you don't ino what this is about. some dads had tents with help in them. they had chairs and lamps and we're like this. 5-year-olds at the time they have no proximity alarm. she can sit this close to my face. so we fall asleep and there's a bunch of comics at the gig. when you are with comics this stuff is funny but normal parents hear, this my kid gets up and all the comics are going how was camping the first night. it would have been all right but my dad kept touching me. they all laugh because it is this close. she kept falling out of the sleeping bag. i have to put her back in. she is launched in the corner. but there's normal parents heard this and of course won't let me alone with anybody. >> jimmy: tim allen will be in
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las vegas. do not bring the children. he is not allowed with them at the mirage hotel may 16th and season four of last man standing friday night. always a pleasure. thank you, tim. we'll be right back with kiernan shipka. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] nrss nrs portions of jimmy kimmel live are brought to you by autotrader. with gpas that include grit. perseverance. ambition. who want professors who'll know them by name, see who they can be... students who want more than a degree on graduation day... they want a career. if you're this kind of student you're our kind of different. devry university. different. on purpose.
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drew holcomb and the neighbors. our next guest is a young actress who survived seven seasons of second-hand smoke as sally draper on "mad men." the first of five final episodes starts on amc sunday night at 10:00. please welcome, kiernan shipka. [ cheers and applause ] >> hello.
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very good to see you. >> nice to see you, too >> jimmy: i feel proud of you when i saw you on "mad men." >> thank you. >> jimmy: how old were you when you did bits for us? >> 6 years old. >> jimmy: what was the first thing. >> only thing i remember is i believe you were singing to me. >> jimmy: okay. >> this is the memory. i believe it was kind of, like a lullaby thing. this is before "mad men." i feel like this is coming full circle because i found out. i booked "mad men" in the jimmy kimmel parking lot. >> jimmy: oh, really? wow. by the way, you and guillermo have something in common. we found him in the parking lot, too. >> guillermo: yeah. >> it's the best place. >> jimmy: we're excited you were coming on. she's great and we need to use her all the time. some kid actors are weird.
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this is something -- i don't remember what the story was but britney spears had done something, this is from back then. >> today meet one of britney's tiny dancers. >> hi, it is me alisa from your dance class. for being a great teacher and role model. ♪ >> she gives us a preview of the routine britney taught her. [ screaming ] >> jimmy: from "mad men" from that. that's crazy. >> exciting. exciting. >> jimmy: so you are on "mad men" -- do you remember the first day -- your first day at work there. >> really vividly. it is the scene, the first time i ever appeared as my character. i walked with a plastic bag over my head. i remember there was a stunt coordinator there, too.
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very official. i remember asking january jones if she played my mom. it all felt very new. >> jimmy: are you saying we didn't have a stunt coordinator on when you put on a bald wig. >> i don't remember. >> jimmy: very doubtful. i think in the scene you were making drinks or something like that. >> little bartender, too. >> jimmy: did you understand why that was odd? >> honestly, i don't remember doing that. >> jimmy: did you watch the show then? did you watch yourself on it? >> i did not. i had this thing in my mind i was going to turn 16 and go back and watch it all but at 14 i was sick, netflix existed and i did the binge watch thing. >> jimmy: it must be strange to watch your movies on netflix in a way. >> that was funny and cute and stuff but i thought, wow, the show is so great. >> jimmy: yeah, great.
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>> the whole thing of watching it was so good. >> jimmy: were your friends aware you were on it, your friends when you were a kid. >> when i was 6, kind of eh. their parents cared more than they did and now a couple of my friends watch it but they don't care that much. >> jimmy: yeah. well, you know, everybody is on their phones and then you have to look up. >> yep. >> jimmy: and all of that. so grown ups would primarily recognize you from the show. >> absolutely. >> jimmy: which had to be strange for a little kid. >> i remember the first time i was recognized in a jamba juice and i was very excited. >> jimmy: you were. >> i was pumped. >> jimmy: do you remember what the person said to you? >> it still happens and i take it as a compliment. i will get addressed as my character a lot. your dad is don draper. my dad really is not. i have have been talked to as sally draper by a lot of people. >> jimmy: it's a weird thing
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when people do it to adult actors but you think they would know better. >> apologizing about my parents. >> jimmy: not only is it -- don't they know it is a show, they don't know what century it is. >> exactly. why are you wearing jeans? >> jimmy: you spent half of your life on that show. >> more than half of my life. >> jimmy: are you in school now? >> i graduated last year. >> jimmy: you graduated from what? >> high school. >> jimmy: early? >> yeah. thank you. [ applause ] >> jimmy: so you went -- you didn't go to a regular high school then? >> no, no. i did an independent study program. i didn't take summers off. >> jimmy: do you know how to read? >> i dabble in reading. i do dabble in it. >> jimmy: do you know your multiplication tables? >> yeah. >> jimmy: if i were to ask you
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what 8 times 8 is you would know that? >> we're all good there. >> jimmy: education is important. >> absolutely. >> jimmy: will you go to home college now? >> i'm taking my first college course on-line right now. which is social media and society. which is fun. it is interesting. >> jimmy: if you were going to take a class on-line social media would be the one to do. >> yeah. >> jimmy: are you sad the show is over? >> it is bittersweet. it almost doesn't feel quite real. i guess it is not over for everyone else. but the last dance was super emotional. it is crazy. it is a very familiar thing. it was more than half of my life. it feels like the normal thing. >> jimmy: did you take anything? did you get a memento or anything from the set? >> i took the necklace that my character wears. it says her initials.
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>> jimmy: did you have to steal that? >> no. i had to give a lot to museums and half of it went back so i'm glad i got a little something. >> jimmy: we're all very proud. >> thank you. >> jimmy: we will watch you on the final show of "mad men" sunday night at 10:00. kiernan shipka, everybody. we will be right back with music from drew holcomb and the neighbors. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> announcer: the jim "jimmy kimmel live" concert series presented by at&t, mobilizing your world.
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>> announcer: the jimmy kimmel live concert series is presented by at&t. mobilizing your world. >> jimmy: there you have it. i want to thank tim allen, kiernan shipka. apologies to matt damon. we did run out of time for him. "nightline" is next. but first this album medicine, here we go, drew holcomb and the neighbors. ♪ sometimes i feel like a criminal feel like a castaway ♪ ♪ this world keeps changing and i can't keep the pace
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it's like a race i didn't know i was running ♪ ♪ but there are some things like rudders in a storm someone to keep you warm ♪ ♪ a friend to raise a glass to take off your mask and tell the truth and just be you ♪ ♪ oh yeah alright trying to make sense of it all tonight ♪ ♪ oh no here we go this won't be the last time ♪ ♪ shouting and struggling and feeling like you're nothing ♪ ♪ trying not to give in not to take it on the chin trying to wear your thickest set of skin ♪ ♪ music it makes you feel good, makes you feel understood ♪ ♪ like you're not alone not a rolling stone not the only one on the road ♪ ♪ oh yeah alright trying to make sense of it all tonight ♪
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♪ oh no here we go this won't be the last time ♪ ♪ oh yeah alright trying to make sense of it all tonight ♪ ♪ oh no here we go this won't be the last time ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ it all seemed pretty plausible but it became impossible ♪
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♪ the promises you made and you got betrayed and all the things that you still don't know ♪ ♪ at the end of the day oh yeah alright trying to make sense of it all tonight ♪ ♪ oh no here we go this won't be the last time ♪ ♪ oh yeah alright trying to make sense of it all tonight ♪ ♪ oh no here we go this won't be the last time ♪ ♪ ♪
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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this is "nightline." tonight, self defense or murder? this former honor student told police she shot her lawyer boyfriend in the face and then fired five more times. was she protecting herself? prosecutors say shayna hubers was angry her lover was breaking up with her. >> he deserved it. >> now what the video played in court may reveal. can money buy happiness? this ceo decided to do something radical about the pay gap, giving away most of his $1 million salary so his employees could all earn at least $70,000. the question is why. >> i think it is up to each of us to decide what's right for

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