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tv   Jimmy Kimmel Live  ABC  May 26, 2011 12:00am-1:05am PDT

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ght. thanks for watching abc news. we hope you'll tune into "good morning america." we'll see you right here tomorrow. >> dicky: up next on an all-new "jimmy kimmel live" -- >> jimmy: steven tyler really is something. i haven't seen an old lady this sexed up on tv since mrs. roper. >> dicky: jesse tyler ferguson. >> jimmy: you're gay? why wasn't i informed of this? >> dicky: sara vowel. >> i like excellence. >> jimmy: who doesn't? >> dicky: and maybach music group features rick ross. >> jimmy: n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n
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n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n
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n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n >> jimmy: hi, i'm jimmy kimmel with a word about mitchum advanced control. a stick solid anti-pers per rant deodorant that provides 48 hour strength and protection and with that said, it's time to play a new game. >> dicky: who wants a piece of candy? >> jimmy: that is right. who wants a piece of candy? our contestants tonight are our spokesmodel katie, yehya, a guy i met on the street and one of our security guards adelina. our rules are simple. i'll ask a question, and whoever answers it correctly gets a piece of candy. are you ready to play? >> yes, i want a piece of candy. >> me, too. >> jimmy: the question is --
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[ laughter ] how can mitchum advanced control deliver maximum strength and protection 48 hours a day? >> yes adelina? >> jimmy: by wearing it -- no. >> smile, your camera. smile. >> put your hands in the air and show -- >> my turn. quiet. what you say? >> my turn. >> jimmy: go ahead, katie. >> you can put your hands in the air and they'll be all nice and shiny. >> you won't stink like a skunk. >> jimmy: well no you're all completely wrong. the answer is -- new mitchum advanced control contains the highest level of active ingredient and fragrance technology that bursts upon contact with perspiration. >> what did you say? >> no, i need the candy, jimmy. >> jimmy: let me ask the question one more time. how can mitchum advanced control deliver maximum strength and protection 48 hours a day? >> by taking a bath? >> jimmy: i'm going to eat the candy myself.
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congratulations to me. >> jimmy! >> dicky: new mitchum advanced control delivers maximum strength and protection 48 hours a day, from a brand that is passionate about your pits. available for men and women. >> jimmy: you don't get the candy. "jimmy kimmel live," back in two minutes with sarah vowell, music from maybach music group featuring rick ross and jesse tyler ferguson. delicious candy. though you did lie about being fluent in dutch. now the owner of going dutch inc. has hired you to be his personal translator starting, right now. you might cry, but your pits won't. that's because mitchum gives you 48-hours of protection. perfect for a “woordraadsel.” oh, that's dutch for “conundrum.” mitchum. maximum strength. ultimate protection. 48 hours a day.
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[ sizzling ] i'm telling you, it was drop dead -- [ sizzling ] ♪ ♪ so joey says to the guy -- [ sizzling ] [ male announcer ] fresh flavor never sounded so good. [ sizzling ] love when that happens. [ male announcer ] applebee's introduces two new sizzling entrees. try the new sizzling cajun steak and shrimp or our new sizzling smokehouse chicken stack. new sizzling entrees starting at $8.99. only at applebee's. there's no place like the neighborhood. open 'til midnight or later. i was driving in northern california. my son was asleep. i really didn't see it coming. i didn't realize i was drifting into the other lane. [ kim ] i was literally falling asleep at the wheel. it got my attention, telling me that i wasn't paying attention.
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i had no idea the guy in front of me had stopped short. but my car did. -my car did. -thankfully, my mercedes did. [ male announcer ] a world you can't predict... demands a car you can trust. the e-class. see your authorized mercedes-benz dealer for exceptional offers through mercedes-benz financial services. >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live!" tonight -- jesse tyler ferguson. author sarah vowell. and music from maybach music group featuring rick ross. with cleto and the cletones. ♪ it's "jimmy kimmel live" ♪ >> dicky: and now, chances are, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ]
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>> jimmy: thank you. thank you. i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thank you for coming out tonight. and i want you to know that unlike that quitter oprah, i'm here for you. [ applause ] that's right. i will never leave you. even if you ask me to leave you i will not go. but we'll get to oprah later. why start things on a down note when we have a new "american idol." the season finale of "american idol" tonight, thank god, enough already, really. there are a number of high profile music performances on the show tonight. marc anthony, lady gaga beyonce, bono the edge lil' jon, tim mcgraw, judas priest and tom jones. it was like a mix tape from an ex-boyfriend who hated you.
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to no one's surprise 17-year-old scotty mccareerry took home the -- what belt do they get a championship belt? all the big performances seemed to have overshadowed the actual winner of the show. winning "american idol" is a big deal. what i hope for scotty is he's able to maintain this level of popularity throughout his career. most "american idol" champions don't. in fact, we went out on the street today to play a game with "american idol" fans called "how many idol winners can you name?" >> ready. >> oh, yeah. what's his name. he's still making money and i can't think of it and i just -- oh, come on. >> i don't know. >> his face looks familiar. >> i think he won last year but i don't know his name. >> didn't he just win or something? i don't know his name, though. >> i know who that is. um -- >> who is that? >> what is that guy's name?
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he's the old guy. >> yeah i -- i think her name is liz or something? >> david? oh that's the kelly pickler. that's the one. >> ugly betty? >> bucky covington. >> i know that guy -- >> david cook. got one. >> gosh. are we good or what? >> >> jimmy: all right, so 1 out of 80 wasn't bad. nonetheless, scotty defeated fellow teenager lauren who was having trouble with her voice. during rehearsal yesterday she blew out a vocal chord. and, you know you have two of them and they are attached to your singing hole, so, they're important. you can't do karaoke without them. after the show last night, lauren couldn't talk. in fact -- this postshow press conference, she had to answer questions -- she had to write them down on a note pad. why they didn't just let her
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skip the press conference i don't know. what answer was she going to give that was so important? i don't know. but this, to me seems to be a cry for help. that's not appropriate judge behavior. you wouldn't see judge judy squeezing people's butts. steven tyler really is something. i haven't seen an old lay guy this sexed up on tv since mrs. roper. i really haven't. [ applause ] "three's company" joke. all year, steven tyler has been ogling the female contestants. we've been highlighting it this year and now tonight, we've put together his greatest moments from the show. here are the best of the best of steven tyler's creepy leers of the night. >> hi what your name? >> holly. >> and how old you are? >> i'm 17. >> you're so cute and precious. >> thank you.
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>> how old are you, emma? >> 15. >> nice. >> nice. >> wow. ♪ we'll never disappear ♪ >> steven said you sang your heart out. check out the top 11 this summer by popular demand. we've added new dates in new jersey and long island new york. tickets for these shows go on sale friday. get yours before they sell out. >> jimmy: there he is. leering reviews. he's something else. hey, speaking of horny old dudes, more arnold schwarzenegger news today. the former husband of arnold's maid/mistress is now speaking out.
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"entertainment tonight" scored the interview with him. he was married to this woman while she got pregnant. he thought the child was his until, like, last week. as you might imagine, he's pretty upset. >> when did you first realize this was not your son? >> just about three days ago, i think. >> who told you about this story when it broke? >> well my doorbell ring and i open it and maury povich was standing there saying "you're not the father! you're not the father." >> did you believe what he was telling you? >> of course, it is maury povich. >> we have a photo of you with arnold at the christening. tell me about that photo. >> he lift me up like a baby and he say, i'm going to do sex with your wife. >> and what was your reaction? >> i say, okay cool. >> really? >> yeah. the terminator is doing sex with my wife? high five!
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>> and we have only scratched the surface of this interview. more family secrets revealed tomorrow. >> jimmy: well, i look forward to that. good job, guillermo. very believable. all right this is from the real interview. and, well, you can see here why the guy is so upset. >> they split two months after giving birth to what would be their second son. the father seen here wearing a schwarzenegger t-shirt, posing with the two boys. >> jimmy: all right, well that shirt's going in the garbage, i guess. arnold schwarzenegger impregnated my wife and all i got was this lousy t-shirt. there was some happy celebrity marriage news today. kim kardashian is engaged. all right. three people are excited. she was -- she got engaged last wednesday, which -- how did we not know about this until today? when she tries a new color of nail polish, we know. as you know, the kardashian women are typically attracted to scientists, engineers, but kim is settling down with a
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professional athlete. fiance is kris hem friumphries from the new jersey nets. kim said she didn't expect the proposal at all. luckily, photographers were able to get pictures. he spelled will you marry me out on rose petals on the floor. and then he gave her a $2 million ring. now, humphries whole salary this year was $3.2 million. it's a 20 carat diamond. he said he wanted to get his wife a nice ring since playing for the nets he probably won't ever get one himself. meanwhile, this is a day of much sadness, because in these united states oprah winfrey has left us. >> i won't say good-bye. i'll just say, until we meet again.
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>> jimmy: and now our angel belongs to outer space. [ applause ] the final oprah show aired today. stedman spent the morning running around the house trying to clean up at the weed and pizza boxes before she got home. you know oprah taught me how to listen, how to share how to forgive. she taught me how to poop in the shape of an s. oprah had a select few close friends in her audience today. mostly just viewers but her best friend was there. maria shriver was there. her personal trainer bob green was there hiding his face. it was an emotional show. she was very well spoken as she always is, but it was a little bit too heavy. i kind of wish her final words had been, oh and by the way, the books i recommended, i never read any of them. not a word. [ applause ] oprah, though, took us on a kind of tour of memory lane she
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reminisced about how she got started. she said nobody but jesus could have made this happen for me. that's nice. she thanked her son. that's good. but you know i made a lot of fun of oprah over the years. the truth is she's a very caring person. she brought joy to millions unlike her replacement, who is rosie, satan, the devil. so, to try to make up for all the fun we've had over the years i wanted to do something to wish her farewell. so, i sent my cousin sal out in the city with a video booth for people to record their personal good-bye to oprah and the emotions this woman has been able to get, it's nothing short of remarkable. >> giving people an opportunity to say good-bye to oprah, last week and that's it never see her again. >> yeah, she's been on for a long time. going to be sad. >> i want you to go in there and i want you to communicate that sad p, from the heart, all
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right? let her know what it means to you. just tell her how you feel? can you fit in there, you're a big guy. >> all right. >> get to it. >> i believe everything that you have done these years has affected all of us greatly. and there will never be anyone like you. you always spoke the truth. >> hey. you're doing great. i just -- if you could be a little bit more emotional, you know? just be sad, like -- >> oh okay. >> she loves when people are miserable. >> okay, okay, i can do that. no problem. okay. >> and we are going to miss you. you have just -- you have been that person for me for all of us. building us up and being a positive role model. you have always spoke the truth. you -- >> i like it. i'm getting from the producers -- just a little bit more. >> okay, okay. >> just lose it. >> okay. all right.
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>> you're wonderful. i don't want you to go. you are done -- you have been -- you have been the person for us. you have been so great. >> hat -- >> i'm sorry. sorry. thank you, thank you. >> you've been so great for us. you've been awesome. i don't want you to go. i'm going to miss you. you've been so positive. you've -- you've been a person for us who -- >> this is good. i got a trick for you, though. put out a noise hear -- >> does that hurt? >> all right. >> we love you, oprah.
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you have been so great to us. we want you to know that you'll always be in our hearts. >> all right, time's up. >> all right. appreciate it, man. >> come on out. good job. all right. so long, cry baby. >> jimmy: well, you know some emotions are realer than others. hey, we have a good show for you tonight. author aboutsarah vowell is with us. we have music from maybach music group featuring rick ross. and we'll be right back with jesse tyler ferguson from "modern family," so stick around. [ male announcer ] the iphone 3gs from at&t. the phone that changed everything. but think about it. how can you make one of the most amazing phones the world has ever seen even more amazing? make it
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$49. yep. that'll work. the iphone 3gs. now at a price that changes everything, too. in the network, amazing is affordable. at&t. rethink possible.
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g to carry on tonight, because that's what oprah would have wanted us to do. tonight on the show, the author of this new book, "unfamiliar fishes," sarah vowell is with us. a very funny young lady. and then a number of gentlemen meek mill, pill, wale, and rick ross have banded together to record this new album "self made volume one," maybach music group from the bud light stage. tomorrow night, we'll be joined by christina aguilera, mike tyson, and we'll have music from big sean. who, by the way, is not that big. our first guest tonight is the most beloved bearded redhead on television since "walker texas ranger." you know him as mitchell on the funniest show in all of network television, "modern family." the season finale was earlier tonight on abc, you missed it. please say hello to jesse tyler ferguson. [ cheers and applause ]
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>> jimmy: what's happening? >> hello, hello. >> jimmy: how are you doing? >> long island in the house. >> jimmy: you sense that long island was in the house? >> i know there's some long islanders in the house. >> jimmy: i got you. how are you right now during this difficult time? >> oh, god. it has been a roller coaster of a week. we're talking about oprah still. >> jimmy: of course. we'll be talking about her for awhile. >> until the end of time. until the end of time. >> jimmy: you were on the oprah show. >> i was. the whole cast was. it wasn't a one-on-one that i was hoping it to be but we were actually supposed to go to her studio in chicago, but we were in hawaii we couldn't make it. we did a via satellite thing. we were in our studio and she
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was in her studio but we talked to each other through a television set. but it was enough because there's that moment everyone dreams of it. you dream of oprah saying your name. she said each one of our names. she was like she saw us getting more excited, so she bumped it up. by the time she got to me she was like jesse tyler ferguson! i was like -- i actually made that my outgoing message on my phone. >> jimmy: you got the full oprah treatment. on what phone is that your outgoing message? >> on my cell phone no one has a land line -- >> jimmy: can we call it? >> you want to test me? >> jimmy: absolutely. can we put the thing on? all right. we'll see -- you don't have to dial one or nine or anything. i'll shield your -- >> oh, it's the president. okay.
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all right. i have a new number. do not give that out. >> jimmy: i won't. don't worry. >> it's ringing. can you hear this? it would be embarrassing if it was a regis and kelly moment where no one answers the phone. >> jimmy: the giant wheel comes down. or if -- >> hi, sorry i'm not here to talk your call but please leave a message after the beep for -- >> jesse tyler ferguson! >> oh oprah. leave a message. >> jimmy: hey, jesse, i'll call you later man, take it easy. no, yeah. >> jimmy: that that's pretty good. that's a pretty great message you have there. >> as the whole audience cheering, i mean it's awesome. >> jimmy: so you are on hiatus on the show. >> yeah for white some time now. >> jimmy: what have you been doing? >> oh, this and that.
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um -- i've actually -- i spent my -- i celebrated my first passover dinner this year -- >> jimmy: first one ever? >> i'm not jewish. >> jimmy: that will do it. >> so, that sort of knocks that holiday out of the running. but i actually celebrated with melissa and joan rivers. >> jimmy: you did? >> yeah. it was so random. i met -- me and my boyfriend met melissa -- >> jimmy: you're gay? why wasn't i informed of this? sorry. [ applause ] >> jimmy: you can always tell by the shoe laces. >> you can always tell by the shoe laces. so we met melissa at a birthday party and she was talking to us about her son, she left her son at home with a soap making kit. this is what rich people do. >> jimmy: what? >> my son's making soap at home. and it was weird. i was kind of joking i was like, i would love a bar of your son's soap. and she ended up finding me and
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sending me a bar of her son's soap -- >> jimmy: homemade son soap. >> and he said, i told my mother i met you guys and she wants to know if you want to come over for passover dinner. i didn't look at a calendar i was like, yes. and it was awesome. >> jimmy: were there celebry tips there? >> no. i didn't know if we were walking into a reality show if they were going to be like random like i don't know random celebrity central. >> jimmy: they'd be miking you when you walk in. >> signing clauses and release forms. but we were the randoms. and it was family and friends and then me and my boyfriend. so weird. but like we walk in and the first thing she says to us she goes, where's my gift. and so we had a bottle of wine for her, we thought we should bring something but the next one behind her, where's my gift. it was like an old family friend. i'm not kidding you orderhors
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d'oeuvre s of pigs in a blanket went around. so, it was very soft. and then we did the whole dinner thing and they described the bitter herbs and all this stuff but everything was beautifully presented. the egg was, like gorgeously presented. it was like deviled egg with like paprika on it -- >> jimmy: very classy. >> very, very classy. >> i i think normally you're lucky if you get a plastic egg. >> jimmy: they sprinkled paprika on it. >> very little zses me. and then the books. i don't know help me out. but -- >> jimmy: the things. >> the things. and they were backwards, i had to turn it this way. and then she edited it very heavily.
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joan handwritten, like you are on page 15. skip to page 44. and then i realized she edited the whole evening around like when you drink. >> jimmy: oh really? just the drinking part? >> we basically drank a lot and said prayers in a language we didn't understand. we invited someone to come to the table who wasn't there. who do you invite? elijah came to the table. >> jimmy: did he come? >> i think so. joan shook the table. it was high drama. it was awesome. she is a salt of the earth person. >> jimmy: do you think you'll be invited next year. >> god willing. i mean -- it was awesome. great night. >> jimmy: yeah, all right. well, we're going to take a quick break if you don't mind. when we come back we'll talk to jesse tyler ferguson "modern family" here on abc, wednesdays at 9:00. we'll be right back. (announcer) chug that coffee bolt that burrito. no matter what life
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throws at you you can take the heat. until it turns into... heartburn. good thing you've got what it takes to beat that heat, too. zantac. it's strong, just one pill can knock out the burn. it's fast the speed you need for heartburn relief. and it lasts, up to 12 hours. so let them turn up the heat. (sssssssss!!!) you can stop that heartburn cold: zantac. trying to stay on track? [ female announcer ] start the day off right with a protein-packed breakfast like the sunrise subway melt. try it with juicy tomatoes for a breakfast that stands out from the pack. subway, the official training restaurant of apolo ohno and athletes everywhere. mr. jones. would you mind if i paid you in gum? that's trident layers. the gum with layers of flavors. [ excited ] of course you can pay me in gum! no one ever pays me in gum. [ male announcer ] layers and layers and layers of flavor. trident layers. woman: till all the books are read... man: and all the pens are put down...
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woman: and everything there is to learn is learned. man: till the heroes retire and the monsters return to their dens... woman: and all the plots are wrapped up. man: till that day... boy: by hook or by crook... girl: by book or by nook... woman: i will read. [ door closes silence ] [ male announcer ] i know what you're thinking. "leather-trimmed command center, "almost 300 horsepower "infiniti surround sound, "seating for seven -- wait. this is a minivan?" makes you almost want to have kids. [ child screams ] [ male announcer ] almost.
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>> jimmy: we are back. sarah vowell will be here soon. maybach music group with rick ross will be here, too, and jesse tyler ferguson is here from "modern family." [ applause ] now, last summer you worked last summer. >> i did. >> jimmy: you did "shakespear in the park." >> very prestigious in new york city. i was honored to be asked. i don't audition anymore. offer only. but it was with al pacino which was amazing and terrifying at the same time.
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>> jimmy: was al familiar with your work from the show? >> i don't think initially. i think as the rehearsal process went on people would come up to me, other cast members be like, i watched your show tonight and he was like what's going on with this boy? so, he found out as the rehearsal progressed that he wasn't the only famous person in the show. but he's so awesome. i don't know if you remember this, we're actually the season finale tonight but last year at the season finale we did a sort of tribute to "the godfather" where i was killing a bird in the house and it was all in slow motion and it was over cameron singing the ave maria. and it was our tribute to. i told al about it. we did this sort of tribute and i love for you to see it. i knew he hadn't watched the show. so, every day after that he was asking me, like, to see it and i didn't have any tape on. i was like calling abc and fox, like, can someone please send me this clip pacino is on my tail.
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>> jimmy: al pacino wants to see it. >> so, it finally comes, we have a break. i set him up in the rehearsal rooms that wasn't being used with a little computer monitor, i plug in headphones i put the headphones on him, push play and it was just this clip. and i think he had forgotten what i was going to show him because he was like well, you have to show me something. he's sitting down at this computer. when you have headphones on, you talk louder and so he's sitting at this computer looking at me and he's like -- that's you! it's a bird! what are you doing with the bird? you're crazy! funny! like literally -- >> jimmy: that's great. that was a great experience. >> awesome. awesome. >> jimmy: and that means he approved of it right? >> yeah. and he like a few weeks later he had commercials that he shot
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in london, like very fanty black and white european coffee commercials. he's like, i want to show you the cuts. now i'm the expert on all things tv. he comes to me with those questions now, yeah. >> jimmy: did you lie to him and tell him -- >> as far as coffee commercials go, they were beautifully shot. very well acted. >> jimmy: very well acted. >> couldn't have done it better myself. >> jimmy: i'm sure he was delighted to hear that. >> my approval means the world to him. >> jimmy: do you watch the show on television? like tonight, the "american idol" was on opposite. >> yeah, opposite of us. i actually dvr a lot. i rarely watch anything live. but i will -- i think i'll -- i was going to say i'll watch it live, we're later tonight, we're pretending it's later than it is. i will watch it live -- i watched it live tonight. past tense. >> jimmy: with al pacino. he loved it. have yeah, he drank coffee it
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was great. >> jimmy: you have a kind of cliff hanger. you guys might have another baby. >> came on and mitchell might have another baby. not themselves. i don't think that's going to happen. >> jimmy: why not? it's tv. >> talk about a cliff hanger. i actually pregnant. in my forehead. yaep, no so i think we're looking at adopting another baby. >> jimmy: will you please make it emanuel lewis? number one, he's still small. he would be great on television. and how awesome would that be if you say we adopted a little boy and scout comes emanuel lewis? out comes webster. >> not a day aged. >> jimmy: he looks exactly the same. hey, we were in new york together last -- the week -- last week for the upfront. and i was talking actually to the creator of your show he said you guys did the james lipton. >> "inside the actor's studio." >> jimmy: how did that go? >> it was fantastic. you leave that show feeling like
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you have created the art form of acting. like, he makes you feel amazing about yourself. >> jimmy: it was the whole cast right? >> the whole cast. but he spent time with each of us. so, it was like four hours long. we were held hostage by james lipton. and then he had dinner with us afterwards so it was like an eight-hour evening. but there was a weird moment where he wanted to speak to each of our characters. he was like might i speak to mitchell now. and i would be like -- yes. and then none of us sound -- other than eric, none of us are terribly different from our character. like, he was like, i would like to speak to gloria now. and sophia was like can you tell the difference? i don't know it's the same thing. i was very weird. we found ourselves just reciting dialogue from the show that had been written by other people. it was weir. basically a live performance of the show. >> jimmy: the show is great. there was no slump at all this season. >> thank you.
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>> jimmy: jesse tyler ferguson, "modern family," wednesdays at 9:00 here on abc. we'll be right back with sarah vowell vowell vowell. [ male announcer ] at cheez-it, we expect a lot from our cheese. hello. hello. how are you? how are you? are you mocking me? are you mocking me? [ both ] well it sounded like you were... now that you're repeating... everything...that i say. ok. ok. [ both ] we made some progress yesterday. [ pen clicks ] click. check. [ pen clicks ] click. [ male announcer ] we take the time for our cheese to mature before we bake it into every delicious cracker because at cheez-it real cheese matters.
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oh! let's do this. you're a little early! [ female announcer ] prepare to ace your dental check-up. fight plaque and gingivitis and invigorate your way to better check-ups. new crest pro-health invigorating clean rinse. [ male announcer ] when mike rowe heads home, his family knows what to expect. hun, mike's coming -- let's get crackin'. [ male announcer ] but what mike rowe doesn't know is that his parents have armed themselves with unquilted viva® towels. place looks great. [ male announcer ] mike doesn't know that every concentrated viva roll is made of strong, fiber packed sheets, making it one tough towel. but his mom sure does. wow, for me? you shouldn't have. i insist. [ male announcer ] hey, if viva can handle mike rowe's mess, just think what it can do in your home. grab a roll for yourself and grasp the unquilted difference.
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if you don't have an iphone, you don't have the retina display. the highest resolution screen on any phone. so movies aren't this dramatic maps aren't this clear emails aren't this detailed and memories aren't this memorable. yup. if you don't have an iphone, well, you don't have an iphone. ♪ ♪ [ male announcer ] with greasy fast food, what are you really getting? lighten up with a subway orchard chicken salad sub, a refreshingly delicious part of a subway fresh fit meal. subway. eat fresh. forgot to run the dishwasher. [ male
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>> jimmy: hi there. still to come maybach music group. our next guest is a very fine and funny young writer. you know her voice from "the incredibles" and "this american life." her latest book is a "new york times" listed best seller called "unfamiliar fishes: the story of america's forceful acquisition of hawaii," is in bookstores both virtual and real. please say hello to sarah vowell. [ cheers and applause ]
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>> jimmy: how's it going? >> hi. >> jimmy: great to you have here. >> so happy to be here. >> jimmy: i heard you on the radio many times. >> i've seen you on the tv. >> jimmy: perfect then. >> yes. you put on one of my favorite things that has ever been on television, not involving elvis presley, that was the busboy named ricardo who played the nba legends at pop a shot. and pop a shot is the only sport i am remotely good at. >> jimmy: oh, really? >> i used to be good. i would, when i lived in chelsea i would go to the bowling alley every day and play pop a shot. just to blow off steam, you know? and it was my dream one day to beat nba legends. you nope i dreamed i would beat steve kerr of the chicago bulls. and then you have this guy, ricardo, and he just mops the floor with all these people. >> jimmy: he's unbelievable. >> he is. and i met charles barkley recently doing another talk show and i told him, you know my dream to do that and he's like
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women, you might be able to beat me but i don't think you can beat that busboy. >> jimmy: ryicardo beat charles here. >> had everything you want in a story. an underdog you know? >> jimmy: right. and, you know what he's going to be back and playing -- this time around, he's going to be doing it blindfolded next week -- >> he'll still win. >> jimmy: he will. he's very good. >> i like excellence. >> jimmy: who doesn't? and, now, where did you grow up? >> well, i was born in oklahoma. >> jimmy: that's not what i would have guessed. >> really? you know like, i don't want to put on airs the county. you know, this thing that's been happening, like, the rapture was supposed to happen? well, when i was a little kid there, i was kind of obsessed with the rapture just because it came up a lot. very religious place. >> jimmy: oh. >> and i was scared of it not because, you know the
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apocalypse but because i just thought -- i just thought, league, i was taught to believe that i was a depraved evil retched sinner so that i would never make it to hell and then also i thought all the men would never make it -- i thought i would never make it to heaven and i thought all the men wouldn't make it to heaven because they were always in trouble, too. like, the kids and the men were always in trouble for something, you know kids for kid stuff, men would drink, smoke, whatever. i thought on the church ladies would make it in the rapture. get hoovers up to ss sed up to heaven. then my sister and i would be stuck eating my dad's cooking. >> jimmy: was your dad not a good cook? >> no, he knew how to make boy scout potatoes and spaghetti sandwiches. >> jimmy: oh. >> that's it. >> jimmy: that's the italian food. >> that's the apocalypse of family maleeals. >> jimmy: speaking of religion. have you been following oprah's last days here on earth? >> yeah.
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yeah. and i mean you know, it was her last day today right? so, i mean now that you have an author on, this is probably your way of taking up her mantle of starting a book club right? >> jimmy: oh, yeah. that's a very good idea. i should do that. [ applause ] >> i mean, there's a spot open for a savior of it willliterature and that could be you. >> jimmy: it seems unlikely that it will be. but i would be more than happy to give it a shot. i would love to wield that kind of power in the world of publishing. >> yeah. but just like you know how oprah would pick, like john steinbeck and steinbeck would be a best seller. he's dead. >> jimmy: that doesn't help anyone. >> that doesn't help any of us writers, you know? >> jimmy: did she ever pick any of your -- >> i wish. >> jimmy: she didn't. >> you know how her books were -- they had to be kind of inspirational? >> jimmy: clouds on the cover. >> yeah. and my books, like they have ideas in them but there is always, like the odd moment of just kind of jackass
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shenanigans. >> jimmy: oprah doesn't go for that. >> yeah, that doesn't happen in an oprah book. >> jimmy: but it could happen in one of yours. >> jimmy: in the jimmy book club. it would be required. >> you could just call up the publisher, you got any yo yos? >> jimmy: just do a quick goingogle search. >> yeah. >> jimmy: tell us the title of the book. "unfamiliar fishes." why is it about that? >> it's about americans kind of taking over hawaii and that phrase comes from this hawaiian guy in the middle of the 19th century who is fed up with the white people showing up in hordes and taking over his island. he wrote this letter to his friend says when a big wave comes in large and unfamiliar fishes come from the dark sea and when they see the small fishes in the shallows they will eat them up.
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mean meaning, like, the white people are going to devour the hawaiians. which happened. >> jimmy: i had no idea i thought they said, hey, you know, we'd love to be apart of the country. i didn't know we just went over there and decided to take them. >> that is a very american attitude. yeah. it turns out there are a lot of hawaiians who still don't think of themselves as americans, don't want to be american and would rather get out of the whole thing. >> jimmy: we call them troublemakers. >> they are. they will protest you, so -- >> jimmy: well very educational -- >> not you. they love you. >> jimmy: plus they are all, for the most part they are pretty relaxed. i don't think -- i could be wrong, though -- >> there are a lot of protests but there is a lot of relaxation. but i did kind of fall in love with the place. the landscape is so -- i like creepy stuff and the whole landscape is kind of like you know there's the black rocks and the gray craters and -- >> jimmy: we saw what happened
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on "lost." weird things happen in hawaii. >> that show while it was fanciful in its story telling was very accurate depiction of the landscape and it's kind of gothic qualities. >> jimmy: well, this is my first ever book club selection. here it is. it's called "unfamiliar fishes." sarah vowell, everybody. we'll be right back with maybach music group featuring rick ross. jijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijijiji@x@x@ñ@x@x@x@x@x@x@x@x@x
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>> jimmy: this is their debut album, it's called "self made volume one," with the songs "play your part" and "tupac back," with some help from d.a. travis barker and clee tone jimmy earl, maybach music group. ♪
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♪ we'll be cool as long as you just play your part i'm incline with women ♪ ♪ who come on they time she came over and she -- from crispy futons ♪ ♪ to christian louboutin game over had her shopping in milan twenty racks really ♪ ♪ that's sneaker money triple white ferrari yeah that's the easter bunny at the caesar in vegas ♪ ♪ yeah i put the visa on it now all she do is tell me how she used to love me i let her decorate ♪ ♪ the real estate and i let her spend a half the ticket give or take a couple dollars ♪ harry winston stone collars canary yellow everything plane chartered ♪ ♪ i spoiled her maybe 'cause i adored her more than fly that girls a flying saucer ♪ ♪ my mona lisa painting on the wall came to life and she said the love of picture just ♪ ♪ roll the dice you think you using me like this games new to me but you ain't confusing me ♪ ♪ you just want
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jewelry and all them -- shopping sprees but that ain't stopping me ♪ ♪ and i ain't stopping you see we'll be cool as long as you just play your part ♪ ♪ just play your part just play your part just play your part just play your part just play your part we'll be cool as long as you ♪ ♪ just play your part i try to love 'em in the physical not literal she said she love me ♪ ♪ but what i'm feeling is minuscule i understand that prada lives in ♪ ♪ her inner soul so the devil that droves in her got in control ♪ ♪ anne hathaway and sack chasin' getting got cake up though my paper way ♪ ♪ thicker than model make up but ya'll wait up my mind racing my toe slippin a lot of women ♪ ♪ is real some -- robin givens i never give 'em no liquid no pot to piss in ♪ ♪ i tend to leave them quite offended if they too dependent i'm pitchin' -- ♪ ♪ that's dreamin' thinking i'm trickin' chicken i'm simply -- ♪ ♪ with -- that know they whole position that's real -- real -- life ♪ ♪ i give my heart to one broad the others get the pipe i ain't tryna fight ♪ ♪ i ain't tryna fuss
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i trying for the money they try to fall in love >> "self made" is in stores right now. put your hands. put your hands up. ♪ tupac back tupac back there's all these -- screaming that tupac back ♪ ♪ all eyes on me better picture me rollin' buying brand new rims but them -- ♪ ♪ is stolen stranded on death row brenda having my baby but i'm stacking my paper ♪ ♪ i need a brand new mercedes they screaming tupac back tupac back ♪ ♪ there's all these -- screaming that tupac back huh tupac back ♪ ♪ i'm two -- strapped rolling down in philly this the new iraq soon as i hit the hood ♪ ♪ they screaming who got whacked it's a recession on the work i'm screaming who got -- ♪ ♪ i'm sippin' hennessy

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