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tv   The Daily Show With Trevor Noah  Comedy Central  February 6, 2020 1:40am-2:15am PST

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- protect it? - what the hell is going on here? - perhaps i can explain it to you. you see, it turns out the only reason the chinese so desperately wanted star wars is because they're afraid that disney might not be the right the place for it. the chinese simply want to guard star wars' impeccable legacy. - is that morgan freeman? - and now we are at a crossroads. if these ballots are made public, then the man that people voted for will be president, but he will no doubt keep star wars from the chinese and allow disney to keep it instead. and so we have to ask ourselves, what's more important? that the right man is elected president or that star wars is with people who will protect it most? [twinkling]
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- unit four, what is it? over? - well, kid? - well, if you put it that way... - come in, unit four! what have you found? - nothing, sir. we just found some tremendous deals on cars nobody wants, that's all. barkley, out. - no! but obama wasn't really elected. don't you people care? - [choral singing] ♪ comedy central >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause )
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>> trevor: welcome to "the daily show," everybody. thank you so much for tuning in. thank you for coming out. thank you so much for being here. take a seat, everybody. let's do this thing. i'm trevor noah. our guest tonight created the landmark "1619 project" about slavery in america for "the new york times." nikole hannah-jones is joining us, everybody. ( applause ) also on tonight's episode, roy wood jr. kicks off black history month. it turns out traffic is all in your mind. and nancy pelosi tears trump a new one. so let's catch up on today's headlines. let's kick it off with the democratic primary. what was meant to be a one-day event in iowa has turned into a four-day shit show of confusion. ( laughter ) only about three-quarters of the ballots are in. so we still don't know who
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officially won. but as it stands, it's a close race between bernie sanders, the world's youngest old man-- and pete buttigeig, the world's oldest young man. ( laughter ) but regardless of how it ends, no one is around to give a victory speech, because the candidates have already moved on. >> today, all of the top candidates are in new hampshire ahead of the primary next week. and as you can see right there on your screen, they're holding events all around the state right now. >> for some reason, in iowa, they're having a little bit of trouble counting votes. ( laughter ) but i am confident that here in new hampshire, i know they'll be able to count your votes on election night. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: man, this is what i love about bernie sanders. he does not give a, damn because he spent a year sucking up to and five minutes after he's left, he's already roasting their ass. he's just like, "i want to talk about the 99% of the people in iowa who have no idea what the
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( bleep ) they're doing. i hope bernie does this for every state. as soon as he's on to the next primary. he's in nevada, "great to be out of new hampshire, or as i call it, 'dirty massachusetts'." ( laughter ) but i will say this, i know there's been a lot of trouble but i think democrats should consider themselves lucky that they get to work out all of the voting kinks in the super-white states like iowa and new hampshire. because this shit wouldn't fly when they're in south carolina. yeah. you try and tell an old black woman her vote isn't going through because of a broken app, she'll be like, "oh, your app is broken? that's funny because your ass is about to be broken too." ( cheers and applause ) oh, and speaking of technology gone wrong, ever since traffic apps like waze, came along, people have complained that their neighborhoods are packed with cars trying to find the quickest route. now, one artist in berlin might have found a solution. >> an artist in germany has found a way to create fake traffic jams on google maps. he pulled around 99 smartphones
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he got in a little red wagon. >> look at that! >> and he pulled them up and down an empty street outside google's berlin headquarters. it took about an hour, but eventually the google maps app thought big buses were moving outside moving very slowly and put a red line saying, "look out. there's a traffic problem." wow, that is genius. a german artist figured out if he walked down a street with a bunch of phones google thinks there's a giant traffic jam on the block. which is a slick move by him, but his verizon bill will bankrupt him. 99 phones say lot of phones, even if it is for an art project. it almost makes me think this is just a guy who had to come up with an excuse after his girlfriend busted him for having side-kick burner phones. "they're for an art project. i put them in my sex-- i wheen wheelbarrow, and i make traffic." but this just goes to show you can't always trust these apps.
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like, i can't tell you how many times i've been disappointed when my uber arrived it wasn't spinning uncontrollably. it's never accurate. ( laughter ) now, a lot of people, a lot of people were pissed off at this guy for disrupting traffic. but personally, i support this artist. because if there's one thing i've learned from history it's when a german is trying to become an artist, you help them become an artist before they become something else. ( applause ) so, yeah, to that german artist, i sigh arbeite niemals in der poltik. danke. moving on to health news. remember how in school huto do that fitness test in p.e., where they made you do pushups while everyone watched? it was a nightmare. well, in california, that nightmare might finally end. >> governor gavin newsom wants to halt mandatory physical fitness tests for california students because kids are getting bullied over them. the tests are required for fifth, seventh, and ninth
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graders. they measure everything from strength to aerobic capacity. critics say the tests contribute to body shaming and other tiementz of bullying. >> trevor: yes, california's governor wants to suspend gym class fitness tests in order to curb bullying. because we all know bullies can't body shame you without the metrics. it's a weird logic. the bully is going to be like, "oh, man, i want to give you a wedgie so bad but i just don't have the data, man. oh!" ( laughter ) but i-- i do like where the governor is coming from. you know, kids in california shouldn't be bodiy shamed at school. that should only happen when they try to break into hollywood. that's when it counts. and i do think there are better ways to get kids into being physically fit. like, for instance, in africa, what we do is we have these things called lions. ( laughter ) and they're very effective motivational tool. all right, that's it for the headlines. let's move on to our top story. ( cheers and applause )
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impeachment. it's democracy's version of sending back a meal. and today, we reached the series finale of this president's first impeachment. so, let's check in on the latest developments in another installment of "the magical wonderful road to impeachment." >> it's presidential harassment. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: today was the final day in the impeachment trial of donald jambalaya trump. and no big surprise-- he was aqipted by the republican-run senate. which was never in doubt-- >> audience: booo! >> trevor: don't boo, vote. see, impeachment-- ( cheers and applause ) like everyone knew where this was going. this was leak a movie where you can guess what's going to happen without watching it, like "titanic." okay, it's a ship that's going to sink. or "sohpie's choice--" some lady has it decide which dude she's going to bone. i get it.
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i get it. with the outcome never in doubt the only really drama was whether any republicans would dare vote against donald trump. and it turns out there was one man with binders full of courage. >> republican senator mitt romney emotionally announced on the senate floor he will break ranks and vote to convict and remove president trump. >> the president asked a foreign government to investigate his political rival. the president's purpose was personal and political. accordingly, the president is guilty of an appalling abuse of public trust. with my vote, i will tell my children and their children that i did my duty to the best of my ability, believing that my country expected it of me. >> trevor: that is shocking. ( applause ) that is shocking. who would have thought that the most bad-ass republican in the senate would end up being a mormon dude named mitt. ( laughter ) and i gotta say, mitt, you
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proved everyone wrong. the haters said you were as radical as a glass of skim milk, but they were wrong, mitt. you're whole milk, my man. that's right. whole milk. ( cheers and applause ) and, by the way, i like how mitt said that he voted this way so that he could tell his children he did the right thing because that's such a white people thing to say, right? white people love explaining themselves to their children. "i couldn't look my son in the eye if i didn't do the right thing." black parents don't give a shit. black parents are like, "boy, you better not look me in the eye. i you. i'm going to do whatever i'm going to do." another republican considered on the fence about trump was susan collins of maine. but she decided that we don't need to throw trump out because she thinks he's already been scared straight. >> there are some senators who could have crossed party lines. senator susan collins will not be one of them. >> i'm voting to acquit. i believe that the president has
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learned from this case. >> reporter: what do you believe the president has learned? >> the president has been impeached. that's a pretty big lesson. >> however, during a tv anchor's luncht white house yesterday, trump responded to questions about collins' comments, saying he had done nothing wrong and that his conversation with ukraine's property was "a perfect call." >> trevor: man, donald trump would be the hardest person to defend in court. he would be like, "your honor, my client has learned his lesson." "no, i haven't! " "his days of selling drugs are over." "who wants cocaine?" ( laughter ) because, clearly, trump hasn't learned a lesson. if anything, he's learnedded that he can do whatever he wants, and republicans will let him go away with it. but first they're going to shake their heads. so basically, thanks to senate republicans, trump is now free. he can just run through laws like he's got that super mario
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invisibility star. that's what we can do. trump is more powerful than mario because in this case the turtles are on his side. basically-- basically-- ( cheers and applause ) president trump is off the hook. he's completely off the hook. and you know what that means? he's going to let loose tonight, man. he's going to eat 50 burgers, bang a porn star, and then he's going to do something crazy. and while trump is doing that joker dance down the courthouse steps, the rest of the country is still focused on the fallout from trump's state of the union speech last night. and-- and-- and it's not so much what was in his speech but the fallout has been about what speaker nancy pelosi did to the speech. and republicans aren't happy. >> a bitter, bitter nancy pelosi ripping up the president's state of the union speech. >> one of the most classless things ever done in the history of the state of the union. >> i have never seen anybody act so childish in my life. >> a spoiled, petulant child essentially picking her nose in
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front of the american people. >> it's not just the numbers you're ripping up. those are people. >> nancy pelosi shredding the memory of kayla mueller. stleding 100-year-old tuskegee airmen. shredding a little two-year-old. >> that's pelosi ripping up the stories of these americans. >> trevor: yeah. that is so true, my friends. when nancy pelosi tore up a copy of trump's speech, she wasn't just ripping up a speech. she was ripping up the memory of the people in that speech. those people are gone now. ( laughter ) that's how paper works. ( laughter ) like, one time at dinner the waiter ripped up my receipt, and then i was hungry again. ( laughter ) ( applause ) now, look, man, you can argue that nancy was right or wrong to tear up trump's speech.
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( laughter ) but, i'm sorry, guys, these people, the people that support trump have, no business complaining about breaches of decorum, all right. their dude is literally the king of that shit. he puts the "dick" in decorum. don't come in-- "i can't believe he did this." it's kind of funny, it's kind of funny, though, that republicans were so upset with nancy's lack of decorum, especially because trump used the very same speech to bestow america's highest civilian honor, the presidential medal of freedom oconservative commentator rush limbaugh. right. a man, who to put it mildly, is not known for being best. >> the n.f.l. all too often >> what does that make her? it makes her a shut, right? i love the women's movement, especially when walking behind it. so nigga with an "a" on the end, woman, i think i can now.
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whe >> he is moving all around and shaking, and it's buehrle an act. if anybody race of people should not have guilt about slavery, it's caucasians. >> trevor: yeah. yeah, rush limbaugh might be racist, sexist, homophobic, and mock people with disabilities, but at least he treats paper with respect. ( laughter ) maybe that was nancy pelosi's real mistake. it's not that she was disrespectful. it's that she wasn't disrespectful enough. maybe if nancy interrupted trump's speech with a couple of casual "n" words, instead of earning everyone's anger, she would have earned her own medal of freedom. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) >> the nominees for best performance in fake outrage.
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jason chaffetz for never in my life. >> i have never seen anybody act so childish in my life. >> mike pence for "dishonored the moment." >> to have her stand up and tear up that speech really dishonored the moment. >> laura ingram for "the stories." >> when pelosi ripped up the speech, a friend of mine told me that's pelosi's ripping up the stories of americans. >> and kellyanne conway for "shredding children." >> nancy pelosi shredding the memory of kayla mueller, shredding a little two-year-old. as mayor, mike bloomberg slashed carbon emissions
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and achieved new york city's cleanest air quality in more than 50 years. as a leader in the fight against climate change, he helped shut down over half of the nation's coal plants, then led one of the biggest pollution reduction efforts in history. as president, he intends to reduce emissions by fifty percent within ten years. because if we want to stop climate change, we need to make a change. this is a fight-we can't afford to lose. i'm mike bloomberg and i approve this message. (lis it turbotax or h&r block ononline?ese tax prep services lets more people file for free. we may never know. (lisa vo) more people can file free with h&r block online than turbotax. it's better with block. what! she's ziplining with little jon? it's lil jon. even he knows that.
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like christopher columbus, lewis and clark, or that twitchy lady that drives the magic school bus. ( laughter ) but what many people don't know is that black people have also been instrumental in discovering new lands. they just don't get any of the credit, like how i discovered the dugy, and no one gave me credit. i was covered in spiders, and i was just trying to get them off me. ( laughter ) ♪ ♪ our first black explorer is a man by the name of matthew henson, the first man to reach the north pole in 1908. it was an incredible feat, not just because he discovered the north pole, but also because he was a black man who wasn't afraid of going head to head against winter. ( laughter ) the only place i would want to discover is miami. ( laughter ) ♪ party in the city where the heat is on ♪ another black explorer who doesn't nearly get the credit he
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deserves was an enslaved man named york. in 1804, he joined lewis and clark on their famous expedition across north america, making him the first black man to travel across the u.s. continent. york was a vital part of the expedition. in fact, he was so trusted, he was even given his own gun, which was a risky move on lewis and clark's part, giving a slave a gun. you know what you call a slave way gun? master. ( laughter ) interesting fact: after the expedition, york requested his freedom from clark, but clark denied it because he realized that without york, he would just be another white dude lost in the forest, like a bitch. and, finally, black people weren't just tagging along with white people on these expeditions. they were also making history
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themselves. like abu bucari ii, in 1311, he set off on an expedition, eventually landing in brazil. he met the native tribes there and made peace with them. and even ended up marrying a chief's daughter. a quest that many men know all too well. traveling to distant lands for new booty. ( laughter ) the local girls upon too familiar. so the next time you think about explorers, remember not to just give credit to white men who discovered places people already lived-- columbus. but also give credit to those of the more melanin persuasion, who have explored the world, like my uncle beebo, who in 1990, traveled across the country searching for the dairy queen with the best orio blizzard. ( laughter ) we haven't seen him since. that's why every day, i honor my
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urchgole beebo by eating one of these. we're going to miss you, beebo. oooh! and i'm black. ( laughter ) well, that's all the time we have for today. i'm roy wood jr. this has been "cp time." remember, somebody give me some hot tea to balance out this cold. ( cheers and applause ). >> trevor: roy wood jr., everybody. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) adrian was a sociopath. completely in control. he said that wherever i went, he would find me. adrian is dead. he's not dead. he's sitting in that chair. you need help. -i'm not crazy. he's figured out a way to be invisible. [ breathing heavily ]
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♪ no matter how far from home ♪ i hit your phone to tell you te extrano ♪ hey! i got your note! ♪ besitos from mis litos ♪ and some oreos de mi hermano hola! ♪ ja ja. bam bam bam ♪ stay playful every day, yo puedo ayudar ♪ ♪ ja ja oh oh oh thank you, brother. ♪ stay playful, spread it 'round like an oreo. ♪ ♪ ♪ stay playful, spread it 'ro[elevator bell]o. ♪ yup. little choices make a big difference. like delicious fruits and veggies. however you healthy. naked. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show. my guest tonight is an award- winning reporter for "the new york times" magazine and creator of the "1619 project," which commemorates the year the first enslaved africans were brought
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to the colony of virginia, and it examines the ways the 400-year legacy of slavery continues to shape america. please welcome nikole hannah-jones. ( cheers and applause ) >> thank you. >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show." >> thank you. >> trevor: and congratulations on creating and working with a group of people on a project that has gone on to become more than just a moment but rather a rethinking of america's history. let's start with the "why" behind this. i mean, history seems like it has been written. so why try and write it again? >> well, history has been written, but it's been written to tell us a certain story. and the "1619 project" is trying to reframe that story. and it's really about the ongoing legacy of slavery. we've been taught that slavery was a long time ago, "get over it," which is something nearly every black person in this country hears at some point. and the "1619 project" is really saying that slavery was
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so foundational to america and its institutions, that we are still suffering from that legacy now and exploring the many ways that we still are. >> trevor: it's interesting that you've chosen the year 1619, because many people would say but this was before america existed. so why do you choose that point? and you say on the 400th anniversary of this fateful moment, it is finally time to tell our story truthfully. >> it's funny, because this year is the 400th versus of the "mayflower." no one argues that we shouldn't learn about the mayflower because it predates the united states. that was an important moment. i would argue the "white lion," a ship that arrived a year earlier, is far more important to the american story than 1620, the mayflower. no, america hasn't been formed, but virginia was the first colony. our institution would come out of the 13 colonies. our legal, our cultural system, our political system, and certainly the antiblack racism that we still struggle with is born at that moment. >> trevor: when you start off in
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this magazine, there's a really beautiful passage in the beginning where you talk about your personal journey. your father was a proud american, and you didn't understand how he could be proud to be american when america seemed to be against him in spite of everything he did. how did you reconcile that? or did working on this project change your view on how to be american or how not to be american? >> yeah, absolutely working on the project changed my perspective on my father. i opened the piece talking about how my dad-- who was born in apartheid, mississippi-- flew the flag in our front yard on this giant flag pole. and he was one of the only black people i knew who flew a flag in their yard, and i was deeply embarrassed by that. but as i started researching for this project, i got that he understood something they didn't. that no one has the right to take away our citizenship and our rights to think of ourselves as americans, because so much of what black people have done is what has built this very country that we get to live in today.
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so when thomas jefferson writes those famous english words "we hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal," he owns 130 human beings at that time, including some of his own family members. and he understands one-fifth of the population will enjoy none of those rights. black people read those words and said, "we're going to believe that these words are true and apply to us and fight." we said we were founded as a democratic republic, but most americans could not vote at the time of the constitution. but thanks largely to black resistance and freedom struggles, we are close to a multiracial democracy as we've ever been. >> trevor: before you go, one of the main questions many people have, and you see this all too often, is people saying, "why do you have to keep trudging this up? can't you move on? it's been 400 years? can't we just move on." what would you hope people take away. >> that's a great question. let's just say for the record, nobody wants to get over slavery
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more than black folks. it's not to our benefit. the fact that our nation can't get over slavery has not benefited black people for a single day. that's problem. we've never dealt with the harm that has been done. i hope what people would take from the magazine, every single story in the magazine starts with america today and shows how these things about american life that you think are unrelated to slavery actually are. i hope by confronting that truth, maybe we can finally start to repair the harm that was done and finally start to live up to be the country of our ideals. >> trevor: it's a fantastic job, fantastic magazine. really wonderful having you on the show. ( cheers and applause ) thank you so much. to learn more about this beautiful, amazing story go to nytimes.com/1619. that's nytimes.com/1619. nikole hannah-jones, everybody, we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) [crackling fire]
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[wood rolling] alexios, add toilet paper to the shopping list. [chiseling on stone] oh, and camel milk. and a chicken. and moisturizer. alexa: thanks, guys. i'll take it from here.
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