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tv   The Daily Show  Comedy Central  January 16, 2018 11:00pm-11:31pm PST

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>> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah! ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: thank you so much, everybody! and welcome to "the daily show"! thank you for tuning in! i'm trevor noah. our guest tonight singer and actor ricky martin is here! ( cheers and applause ) but first, but first, you guys remember how, during the presidential campaign, donald trump's personal doctor and
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second hand speedboat salesman declared trump would be the healthiest individual ever elected president? you guys remember that? and then we all laughed so hard because in 2015 health it individual and best president both sounded incredible ways to describe donald trump? ( laughter ) he's had his first official examination by the navy doctor and we owe speedboat abapology. >> his health is excellent. his physical exam is very good. he's very healthy. uncorrected vision is 20/30, he can drive without glasses. i had absolutely no kerns about his cognitive ability. the president is mentally very sharp, very intact. there's no indication whatsoever he has any cognitive issues. the dental exam, he has healthy teeth and gums. no other dental findings. he has no partial or dentures of any kind. >> trevor: no heart problems,
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no dementia, no dentures? but did you test for racism? ( laughter ) ( applause ) so it turns out, according to the official white house doctor, trump is completely sane, which makes me more worried because that means he's doing all of this shit on purpose? you covfefe in your normal mind? ( laughter ) to ask the nonexperts, the only thing that looks healthy about donald trump is he's shaped like a food pyramid. to say his health is excellent is like medicine is gas lighting us now. how is this possible? >> explain how a guy who eats mcdonald's and kfc and all those diet cokes and never exercises is in as great shape as he's in? >> genetics. i told the president if p he had a healthier diet over the last 20 years he might live to be 200
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years old. >> trevor: my god! if you think trump is racist at 71, imagine how racist he'll be when he's 200! ( laughter ) to be honest, i'm not really surprised. donald trump has dictator blood. we're used to this in africa and other places in the world, castro, m mogabi, the queen -- after the apocalypse, he will be the only one around giving speeches to cockroaches. folks! we're going to build a roach motel! who's going to pay for it? mosquitoes! ( laughter ) so all done, trump, you're healthy, we owe you an apology. but as pleased as we are to hear there is no threat we're losing donald trump anytime soon, today is unfortunately a sad day because today we mourn the departure of another politician, new jersey governor chris christie. >> chris christie leaves office today and becomes a private citizen for the first time in eight years, and he does so with
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low approval numbers, but in his final state of the state address last week, he says he leaves as a happier man than when he walked into the office eight years ago. >> trevor: i don't know how chris christie can be happy when he's leaving office with the lowest approval rating in new jersey history, 18%. being that unpopular in 2018 and not having a sexual assault allegation takes talent. ( laughter ) but some people may not know that chris christie's reputation wasn't always the turd on the bottom of new jersey's shoe. so tonight we look back at governor christie's incredible rise and fall. ( cheers and applause ) when chris christie first took office in 2009, his straight talk approach was a breath of fresh air. something new jersey hadn't had in decades. throughout his first term in office christie became extremely popular in new jersey, especially among key
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demographics like guys who go ay! oh! and women who go, get out of here, anthony! you ruined my daughter's sweet 16! ( laughter ) he got very popular. >> he's a roizing star in the world of politics. >> it's people who raise their voices and yell and scream like you that are dividing this country. we're here to bring this country together not divide it. >> superstorm sandy left much to have the garden state devastated but is boosting the popularity of new jersey governor chris christie. >> 94% approve of governor christie's handling of hurricane sandy recovery efforts. >> 74% approval rating in the bluest of blue states. the highest approval rating recorded for a new jersey governor. >> a landslide reelection victory. is he now the man to beat for the republican presidential nomination? >> trevor: wow, chris christie was so popular, people thought he could one day be president, and people only say that about the top governors -- and
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first-term senators -- and tv stars -- and sports owners -- and relatives of presidents -- and beyonce. ( laughter ) okay. yeah, i'm saying to beyonce, i am -- ( applause ) but, alas, despite all his success, chris christie had the fatal flaw of a tragic character. he was an asshole. ( laughter ) don't get me wrong, in new jersey, you can be an asshole. i mean, asshole is their state bird. ( laughter ) but christie was an asshole about the one thing no one in jersey is willing to tolerate, traffic. >> bridge gate. this, of course, is the political scandal surrounding the office of governor chris christie over the shutdown of lanes to the george washington bridge. this came as apparent political payback against a mayor who would not endorse it. >> i am embarrassed and humiliated by the conduct of
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some of the people on my team. >> trevor: that seemed like an apology until it got to the end. i'm so ashamed -- of what these dip shits have done. ( laughter ) the lesson we all learned from bridge gate was you can't get back at somebody by pissing off everybody else. that's going to backfire. it's like getting revenge on a mean flight attendant by releasing a bunch of bees in the plane. you guys are with me, right? i requested vegan! ( laughter ) so after bridge gate, christie's approval ratings plummeted from the '70s to the mid 40s, but that's a level you can recover from. so chris christie had two choices, buckle down and work hard for the great state of new jersey or ditch those spray tans and go tore the white house so he chose option two and it was all downhill from there. >> governor christie is getting grilled about prioritizing the campaign trail over his snowy and flooded state. >> the governor spent all or part of 261 days out of the
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state last year. >> right after dropping his own presidential bid, christie endorsed trump. >> seven papers in new jersey have called on christie to resign. >> christie's approval rating stands now at only 21%. >> 18% now tied for second worst in recent history. >> trevor: the second worst approval rating. poor chris christie! you know what his problem was? in 2012, he didn't run for president when he should have and then, in 2016, he ran when he shouldn't have run. his timing was off. and in life, typing is everything. timing is what separates a normal person from a pedophile. ( laughter ) ( audience reacts ) and here's what makes chris christie a legend -- having hit such a low point, a more ordinary governor would try to raise his popularity, but christie is a special person. he decided if he was going to be the worst, he would be the best worst. >> first there was bridge gate
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and now beach gate. christie's beach outing over the fourth of july holiday caused a national scandal because this particular beach was closed to the general public due to a state government shutdown. >> the garden state first family allowed to use the closed beach, closed to many new jersey president. >> i don't want apologize for it or back away from it and i thik my poll numbers show i don't care about political optics. >> trevor: say what you want about chris christie he went down in style. read my lips! this beach is shut down! any questions? i'll be at the beach. to rub it in, he build a special sand castle for everyone. ( laughter ) which is probably why on this last day of his term the people of new jersey told him how they felt. >> when asked about the end of christie's term, only 5% said they will miss the republican governor. >> trevor: just 5% will miss him. chris christie, my friend, now that you're not governor, are you sure that you want to stay
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in a state that hates you that much? like, if i were you, i would just leave, and here's the good news -- if you get out now, you can miss all that bridge traffic. we'll be right back ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ohhhhhh, ou! guess what i just got? uh! ♪i used to be spellbound hello again. ♪i used to be spellbound hi. ♪i used to be spellbound that's a big phone. ♪in your arms. [screams] ah, my phone. ♪you built the flame ♪that warms my heart, ♪but lying and cheating ♪has torn us apart ♪and i'm moving on. the winter of '77.uring i first met james in 5th grade. we got married after college. and had twin boys. but then one night, a truck didn't stop.
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( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." the future, it's coming fast and it's here now, which means ronny chieng is back with another installment of today's future now. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: thanks. >> thanks, trevor. last week was a consumer tech show in las vegas. not everything needs a computer chip! hear that fit bit? waiting for me to lose some weight? it's by taking you off, damn it you judgmental bastard! ( laughter ) the big theme of this year's was laysies, let a robot do it. >> self-driving cars were big players at the the electronics show. electronic biten sees the future as a movie theater on wheels.
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>> more voice control coming to cars as auto makers enhance self-driving features and turn the dashboard into a movie screen. >> don't need movies on the dashboard. driverless cars is new technology. if something goes wrong i don't want the last thing i see to be 50 shades darker because that's the only movie i will be watching in a driverless car, it's romantic and my hands are free. ( cheers and applause ) but while some cars are encouraging me to zone out, other cars are demanding that i focus harder? >> nissan is working on what it calls brain-to-vehicle technology which reads your brain waives to help control the car. >> this is a piece you put on your head. it has sensor probes underneath it and when you don this, it will connect to a future nissan vehicle to wirelessly communicate what i'm thinking to the vehicle -- >> trevor: who wants a mind-reading car? you know what's going on in
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here, right? i'm going for grocery and instead end up at my ex-girlfriend's house. i mean, i do that anyway but i want it to be my choice. ( laughter ) what is wrong with driving a car with your hands and you your eyeballs? these people think we can't take a dump without a.i. >> thanks to the internet, this is what you can do. alexa, ask koehler to flush the toilet. >> okay. >> koehler connects to the internet and you can command it to help lift the seat, heat up and other essential tasks but it will cost you. it runs $5,625 and up. >> $5,000 for lex is a to flush my toilet? listen, exget a guy off craigslist to do that for me and he'll pay me. also, i don't want my toilet connected to amazon, they're
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going to start showing me targeted ads for prudence. ( laughter ) these tech companies are obsessed with what's going on below my waist. >> this is smart underwear. it can read your body temperature, heart rate, calories, steps, inside your underwear. >> trevor: a supercomputer in my crotch is a horrible idea -- except when you're not performing this bed, then it's a great excuse. sorry, baby -- i got hacked. them russians! ( cheers and applause ) i know, those russians! these russians are trying to influence my erection! ( laughter ) and the stupid ass smart devices just keep coming. >> you don't have to carry this carry-on luggage, when paired with a high-tech wrist band, it follows you using sensors and cameras. >> it's smart enough to use facial recognition so it shouldn't start following
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someone else. >> four-wheel drive with a max speed of 7 miles an hour. >> trevor: why are you giving my luggage a mind of its own? if it doesn't show up, i won't know if the airline lost it or it pulled the "12years a slave" on me. if i want something small to follow me through the airport and carry all my crap, i'll have kids. that's what those things are for. ( laughter ) to these geniuses at c.e.s. have figured out everything. only one thing can go wrong. >> i'm here at the consumers electronics show at the las vegas center and about 12 minutes ago all the power went out in the central hall and the south hall entirely. >> all the power went out at c.e.s.? that's like if you were at an amish convention and all the power went on. one power surge, my stuff is useless, i have to flush my own toilet, carry my own luggage, measure my erection the old fashioned way, find the guy on
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craigslist. back to you trevor. >( cheers and applause ) we'll be right back ♪ ♪ you are a city city wall, city wall ♪ ♪ ♪ she could be dancing down a hall, dancing down a hall ♪ ♪ we're turning heads, we're turning heads, ♪ ♪ we're turning heads, oh yeah and nothing can stop us now ♪ then he tried tostitos scoopsl foand salsa.... ...and started following them in real life. hey, mike. 'sup? oh... tostitos. bring the party. my name's dustin. hey, dustin. grab a seat. woman: okay. moderator: nice to meet you. have you ever had car trouble in a place like this?
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(roaring of truck) yes and it was like the worst experience of my life. seven lanes of traffic and i was in the second lane. when i get into my car, i want to know that it's going to get me from point a to point b. well, then i have some good news. chevy is the only brand to receive j.d. power dependability awards for cars, trucks and suvs two years in a row. woman: wait! (laughing) i definitely feel like i'm in a dependable vehicle right now. woman 2: i want a chevy now. woman 3: i know! woman 2: i want a chevy now. nothing. what u doin'? hey. ♪break through. ♪break through.
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no way. man: rated t for teen. playstation, the best place to play. we can now simulate the exact anatomyh care, of a patient's brain before surgery. if we can do that, imagine what we can do for seizures. and if we can fix damaged heart valves without open heart surgery, imagine what we can do for an irregular heartbeat, even high blood pressure. if we can use analyze each patient's breast cancer to personalize their treatment, imagine what we can do for the conditions that affect us all. imagine what we can do for you.
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( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show"! my guest tonight is an international superstar who is starring in the new fx series "the assassination of ginanni versace: american crime story." please welcome ricky martin! ( cheers and applause ) >> what's up?! yeah! ( cheers and applause ) thank you! ( cheers and applause )
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puerto ricans here! >> trevor: you have fans in the house. >> everyone's from puerto rico. so nice. >> trevor: welcome to the show. >> thank you for having me. >> trevor: so good to have you. >> so cool. >> trevor: you're performing all over the world. you're back in vegas now? >> it's busy. going back to vegas for my second season for my residency. >> trevor: exciting. >> start in march, really exciting. >> trevor: how many shows for your residency? >> march until july. you do ten shows, do a break and another ten and take a break. it's not like broadway. >> trevor: that's not insane at all, ten shows. ( laughter ) >> but we take a break. i'm just really excited, man. vegas has been amazing for me. i'm doing gianni versace the series. my family's doing amazing. we're traveling a lot. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: let's talk about this series. it's a story a lot of people have been waiting for. with the story of o.j., people
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felt it was a story that didn't just go into a murder but a tale that talked about race. the story of gianni versace is one that cannot be separated from the story on how people treat the lgbtq community. >> this is true. >> trevor: was this important for you to be a part of the story? >> this is one of the reasons i said yes i need to be part of this. there's a lot of injust in the gianni versace story, and when ryan murphy called me and told me everything we were going to be talking about, i said, yes, definitely, i want to be here, but, of course, i want to be part you ever show. penelope cruz, edgar rarmirez, working with people i love and the story is fascinating. it's not how he died, it's why he died. why did we allow that to happen? i mean, the killer, he was on the list of most wanted by the f.b.i. he was living in miami, he was not hiding, and they never got him. >> trevor: when you look at gianni versace's life, you look
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at someone who is so powerful and so revered and yet, at the same time, a human being who struggled to come out. >> yes. >> trevor: now, there is often a misconception in that coming out is easy for anyone. people go, come out, it's easy. it's always easier than it seems. is this part of a story that related to you as ricky martin? >> my friend, you have no idea. it took me a while. i was surrounded by friends who said don't come out, that will be the end of your career. people who love me, people who knew me well and are victim of homophobia. i grew up in a culture telling me my feelings were horrible and evil. >> trevor: right. >> if you add to that the fact i was a heart throb, a sex symbol. >> trevor: oh, yeah, that's true. ( cheers and applause ) >> everybody was telling me, it's going to be the end of your career. >> trevor: right.
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>> and it was extremely painful to me until i said i can't take it anymore. it's not about me or what's happening outside. it's what i need in order for me to be happy. then i had my kids and i said i have to come out. i'm not going to lie to these beautiful kids. that's not the point. life works in cycles. it's very interesting. look what i'm doing today. i'm talking on people being hurt through acting. that's an amazing story. >> trevor: you said you went into something that was about yourself and became about other people which is sort of the story of your life because in many ways puerto rico has been you going into a story of yourself. >> yeah is that and now you look at what happened to the island after the disaster, and am i correct in saying you have helped raise over $5 million? >> and we are still raising ( cheers and applause ) yeah. trevor, it's been more than
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three months and there are still 14000000 people in puerto rico living out electricity or running water. kids aren't going to school because there is no le electricy or water with school. me and my alliance working with habitat for humanity, i want to start building homes. that's the next phase. my foundation and hundreds of men and women volunteering since day one to make puerto rico a better place, something i will always be so thankful. but more thankful i am to every one of you that went ant donated $5 here, $10 there, $15 here. and of course big corporations as well but at the end of the day it was people from all over the world hoping for the best from puerto rico. >> trevor: if people want to donate, help out the foundation, pre-k o what can they do? >> you martin. you can donate $1 to $10,000, whatever you want. >> trevor: we can go to ricky martin foundation and check out the link.
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>> thank you, man. >> trevor: "the assassination of gianni versace: american crime story," 17th of january on fx. ricky martin, everybody! we'll be right back! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ mom and dad got a new car... with the extra third row of seats. they think it's theirs. look at them, they have no idea! it's not theirs. it's mine. mine. mine. mine. the new lexus rx 350l with three rows for seven passengers. are you excited about your baby sister coming? experience space for the unexpected with the rx l, part of the rx family. experience amazing at your lexus dealer. wiback like it could used to? neutrogena hydro boost water gel. with hyaluronic acid it plumps skin cells with intense hydration and locks it in. for supple, hydrated skin. hydro boost. from neutrogena
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robitussin cf max severe. they cahow many of 'em?e, sir! we don't know. dozens. all right! let's teach these freaks some manners! good luck out there, captain! thanks! but i don't need luck, i have skills... i don't have my keys. (on intercom) all hands. we are looking for the captain's keys again. they are on a silver carabiner. oh, this is bad. as long as people misplace their keys, you can count on geico saving folks money. fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more on car insurance. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: well, that's our show for tonight. stay tuned for "the opposition" with jordan klepper. now here it is... your moment of zen. >> there is a focus on health tech fra babies to seniors.
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hip bags, air bags for your hips. gyroscopes detect when you're falling and trigger the co2 canister. ( cheers and applause ) big news. today, the white house admitted what we've all suspected for a very long time: donald trump needs to lose 15-20 pounds. hey, buddy, you're not alone. you and me can be accountability buddies. but today, his new doctor, ronny jackson, gave us an even bigger gift: >> some people have, you know, just great genes. i told the president that if he had a healthier diet over the last 20 years, he might live to be 200 years old. ( laughter ) >> jordan: 200 years! that's longer than most sexy vampires. just look at what trump has gotten done in one year. now close your eyes and imagine what he'll do in 100 more. are you screaming? with joy?


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