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tv   The Daily Show  Comedy Central  November 9, 2016 12:41am-1:46am PST

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winner of the election, that could of gotten weird. i am going to wipe your scores clean because it all comes down to this: dolph lundgren will read your answers aloud, and you the audience will decide the winner. before the break, i asked you to come up with a message that dolph lundgren could tweet to help bring the country together. we are going to heel instantly. dolph and his phone are at the ready. the nation is eager to be healed. let's hear what you wrote. first one ... >> chris: read out loud. >> okay. i must break you. off a piece of this kitkat bar. stress our kitkat bar and stress eat until this gets settled. >> chris: number two. >> look america i don't care which bathroom you use as long as there is a hole in the wall giving us free hot dogs. [cheers and applause] >> chris: and third one. last one.
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>> dolph is for the shore dolphin, america, follow me to my under water -- [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] >> chris: sounds like number three. ron funches has won. at this, tkofl. thank you, so much. >> chris: congratulations. thank you for being here. dolph will get the action hero fists typing. thank you, doug and comedy central, to you for watching us. you know if you're not happy with how the election turned out get involved. go to work tomorrow, be a community. what ever happens we will be there. don't have conversations on social media. it's not for conversations. be nice to each other. see you tomorrow. we will make you laugh tomorrow. have a good night. thank you, so much. good night, america.
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[cheers and applause] ♪ - ♪ i'm goin' down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time - ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ - ♪ i'm goin' down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind - ♪ ample parking day or night, people spouting howdy neighbor ♪ - ♪ headin' on up to south park, gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ - ♪ [muffled] - ♪ come on down to south park and meet some friends of mine ♪
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officials are reporting, this new doritos mix is responsible for the worldwide bold outbreak. woo hoo! over you to you tom! things have gone totally around the bend. has the world gone completely bold? new doritos mix. four snacks in one.
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for us, it's rocky mountain water...n. ...or nothing. coors banquet. that's how it's done. this beer gets straight it looks you in the eyes... ...and firmly shakes your hand. coors banquet. that's how it's done.
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yeah. tonight's been great. you look, amazing... you take after your mom.... she's hot. know when to shhhhhhh the subtle fragrance of axe black. ""you don't want to ride the 13l checkiforever, do you?"ore?" "credit karma huh?"
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"yeah, it's free." "credit karma. give youself some credit." [school bell rings] [piano playing] - ♪ welcome, oh, welcome ♪ to our little play ♪ it's our hope that you all ♪ ♪ learn something today - ♪ i am a tooth ♪ so white and so strong - ♪ i am a toothbrush ♪ my bristles are long all: ♪ together we work ♪ to keep the bad guy away
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♪ he's mean and he hurts ♪ ♪ and his name's tooth decay! ♪ [sinister chord] - his name is tooth decay. - where is tooth decay? tooth decay, that's your cue! - he's not here. - what do you mean he's not here? - he's at home watching the royal wedding. - the what? - he said he had to watch it. - is this some kind of joke? we are two weeks into tech rehearsals! who the heck would sit at home watching the royal wedding? - it is a glorious spring morning and literally thousands have gathered for the royal wedding. people are still filing inside the abbey to watch the prince and princess of canada exchange their vows. what a great day for canadians everywhere. [band playing drums] the winnipeg drummers playing the march of a thousand farts, as is traditional for the canadian royal family. [all fart] all the biggest canadian celebrities are on hand.
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there are sirs terrance and phillip with their wives, the lovely queef sisters. - [queefs] i believe--yes, i believe one of the sisters just queefed just now. there are canadian recording artists sir brian adams and sir corey hart. everyone looking smashing today. - and there he is, the prince of canada. what a wonderful day it is for him. what a wonderful day it is for all of us. inside the abbey now, everyone waiting with anticipation. there's the queen of canada, in attendance of course. - [queefs] - i believe she just queefed. - the prince makes his way down the aisle led by the bishop of newfoundland. people in attendance now gently tossing captain crunch as the prince passes by, as, of course, is tradition. the prince takes his place next to the large vat of butterscotch pudding. oh, and here she comes! yes, there she is! the aboot-to-be princess of canada. isn't she ravishing? so pure of heart, so strong in body. so hot in the face.
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she is indeed the living symbol of our great country. my god, she's beautiful. - princess! princess! - the canadian prince now dipping his arms into the pudding, as is tradition. the princess will, of course, scrape the pudding off the prince's arms, thus symbolizing their union. what a glorious day for our country and indeed the world. and now of course the-- wait a minute, what's this? oh--uh-oh! something is going terribly wrong! the abbey shaking violently as explosions abound. the top--yes, the top of the abbey is collapsing. the prince and the princess look on in horror. this is not the tradition. this is not tradition at all. a giant hole now blasted into the ceiling, debris falling down and crushing several spectators, which is also not the tradition for a royal canadian wedding. bright beam of light shooting through the hole in the ceiling. the princess now in some kind of isometric cube. this is certainly breaking with tradition now. - no! no! - canadians in attendance cannot believe their eyes.
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widespread panic. [all screaming] the princess being hoisted away. the little mushroom people of nova scotia screaming with horror. the prince is attempting to grab hold of the cube. the duke and duchess of calgary hiding behind the pews. this is indeed a horrible day for all of canada, and therefore--and the pudding has just been knocked over! oh, this does not go with tradition at all. the royal pudding now spilling all over the abbey as the princess is lifted up, up... and she's gone. the princess has been taken. this is indeed a horrible day for canada, and therefore, the rest of the world. - [crying] [school bell rings] - ♪ i am a tooth ♪ so white and so strong - ♪ i am a toothbrush ♪ my bristles are long all: ♪ together we work ♪ to keep the bad guy away ♪ he's mean and he hurts ♪ ♪ and his name's tooth decay ♪ [sinister chord]
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- his name's tooth decay! - [crying] - oh, no. it's tooth decay! - he's gonna get us! - [crying continues] - no, no, tooth decay. your character is supposed to be mean and nasty, mkay, not crying. - [sobbing] - no, no, see, tooth decay can't be sad until toothbrush and dental floss have gotten rid of him. you can't just start already sad. there's nowhere to go, you see. there's no arc, mkay? - [sobbing continues] - oh, for cryin' out loud! all right, all right, tooth decay. you just go home and sort yourself out! the rest of us will rehearse the finale again. and you better come back tomorrow with a different attitude, tooth decay, mkay? - [sobbing]
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- the tornado was said to be the deadliest in 56 years. in other news, it's been 24 hours now and the princess of canada is still missing. all of canada is in mourning as nationwide, suicides abound. - the princess is gone! aah! [glass shattering] - aaggghh! [all screaming] - the princess is gone! blah! - aah! aah! [all sobbing] - a massive candlelight vigil was held last night, led by the canadian band rush. - ♪ and it seems to me ♪ you lived your life ♪ like a flower breaking wind ♪ [farts] ♪ never knowing who to turn towards-- ♪ [gunshot] [sobbing] - the prince of canada has said that-- we have just received breaking news that the canadian government now knows who took the princess. the canadian prime minister is instructing
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all people of canadian decent to go home and "open their box of faith." box of faith? what the [bleep] is that? [objects clattering] [film projector whirring] - hello there, my noble, strong, fellow canadian. if you are watching this filmstrip, then no doubt canada is in grave danger. as you know, the very heart of canada is the royal family. if you have been ordered to open your box of faith, then one or more of the royal family must be in peril. or else you just opened your box of faith and are watching this without being told to, in which case you are a dick. if you have indeed been instructed to open the box,
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then this is a call to arms. all canadians in fighting condition are asked to meet by the tree in edmonton. in your box of faith, you will find all the items you need-- a location beacon, a first aid kit, and a sandwich. you may eat the sandwich now. good luck, canadian citizen, and god help. all of canada is relying on you. [dramatic music] ♪ - where are you going? ike, where are you going? - i got to get to canada and--and join the armies and save the princess. [bell rings]
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- whereas salagadoola mechika boola equals "x". and bibbidy bobbidy boo is "y". put 'em together and what have you got? bibbidy bobbidy boo, "x" plus "y" equals "y". "x" equals zero. the song is badly written. second verse, "x" plus "y" equals bibbidy bobbidy cubed plus the boo. - kyle broflovski! do you mind telling me where your brother is? - i don't know. - how am i supposed to do a play, mkay, teaching students about the importance of dental hygiene without tooth decay? we have two more days of tech, and then previews start on monday. what am i supposed to do, kyle? you tell me! - well, couldn't you, you know, just get rid of the part of tooth decay? - getting rid of tooth decay is what i'm trying to [bleep] do! - ha-ha. - he's your brother, kyle broflovski, mkay! how are you going to fix this?
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- he's your brother, kyle broflovski, mkay! yeah. tonight's been great. you look, amazing... you take after your mom.... she's hot. know when to shhhhhhh the subtle fragrance of axe black.
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grandma, i'm good. ♪ music
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say goodbye to distractions. now you can last longer with new k-y duration spray. ♪ (crunch) (crunch) (crunch) (crunch) - hey. hey, there! - you going to canada too? what am i saying? of course you're going to canada. you're canadian, sure enough. opened your box of faith, did you? me too. they can't take our princess and get away with it. mind if i sit down? soon as i heard the call there was no question i was gonna sign up! didn't care how far away i was, i was gonna get to the rally point at the tree in edmonton. didn't know other canadians living here in the u.s. i'm from toronto originally, but everywhere i went, people were terrified by my disfigurement. i have to wear this bag on my head because i'm hideously ugly. had to move here to the united states. here people don't think i look ugly.
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they just think i look canadian. the name's ugly bob. - ♪ i am a tooth ♪ so white and so strong - ♪ i am a toothbrush ♪ my bristles are long all: ♪ together we work ♪ to keep the bad guy away ♪ he's mean and he hurts ♪ ♪ and his name's tooth decay ♪ [sinister chord] - ♪ i am tooth decay ♪ your teeth shall be mine ♪ with candy and treats... - hold it! hold it! stop! what the [bleep] was that? - i'm just doing the lines. - the audience is supposed to feel scared of tooth decay, kyle, mkay? if tooth decay has no believability, then toothbrush and dental floss have nothing to play against! - i'm trying, mr. mackey, i really am. - oh, you're tryin'? you call rolling your fat ass out on the stage and lazily blurting out your lines
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like a turtle taking a [bleep], you call that trying? this play is supposed to change how people think, kyle! get it [bleep] right! [feedback on microphone] just pick it up from there. - brave canadians! you have answered the call, and now we must face our greatest foe. the princess has been kidnapped, and we believe this to be the work of the giant! - ooh, the giant! the giant, that's not good. - we are attempting to attract the giant now with a bowl of kraft dinner. when the giant arrives, we will attack him with our guns, our swords, our-- [approaching footfalls] - fee fi fo fum! i smell kraft dinner. - it's the giant! - scott! [all shouting] - give us back the princess, scott! - you fart-loving tricksters. i'll take care of all of you. - you're a dick, scott! you have always been a dick. and then you got radiation poisoning in ottawa and now you're a giant dick. - no, you all kept calling me a dick, and so then that turned me into a dick!
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and then i got radiation poisoning in ottawa and now i'm a giant dick. - just hand over the princess of canada! - why would i take the princess of canada? - because you're a giant dick? - i'm also the biggest canadian patriot of all of you. you know that i would never harm the royal family! - aw, crap. sorry, everyone, looks like we had some bad intel. return to your homes. - all right, let's go. i guess we did all we could. come on. - well, at least we tried. i guess the princess is gone for good, eh? - what is wrong with you people? it is perfectly obvious who took the princess. i might be a giant, but there's one threat to canada bigger than me. - who? - the native canadians. - the native canadians? - there, you see that? goddamn native canadians. think they run the world. - [speaking native language] - [speaking native language] - fart loving eskimos. i'm sure they've taken the princess. just look at them.
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loudmouth, self-centered assholes. - [speaking native language] - [speaking native language] - let's get 'em! let's [bleep] 'em up! what? you're looking at me like i'm some kind of eskimo racist. well, i'm not! think aboot it! before the noble white man arrived, canada was populated with these snow monkeys. who else would be pissed of enough at canada to kidnap our royalty? oh, shit! - okay, in 15 [bleep] minutes you all are not gonna care about this anymore, so i'll just say what i need to say. that was the worst rehearsal we have ever had. we are two days away from opening and you're all [bleep] around! - that's because tooth decay sucks. - yeah! - it's all tooth decay's fault. - oh, don't put this all on tooth decay! let me tell you something, dental floss. you're not as good as you [bleep] think you are! you're already acting like you're a star, and we haven't even opened yet! open your [bleep] eyes, dental floss!
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you're about to blow your shot! all: neck-a-mic, pee-yoosh-tu-ah! - [speaking native language] all: ohh! - he says that the taking of the princess was foretold. - [speaking native language] - he says eskimos do hate us canadians, but that there is an even bigger threat to canada who has the princess. - [speaking native language] - he said the evil that took her wasn't canadian at all, but a beast who preys upon people of all nationalities. they can lead us to the beast, but we will have to destroy it. [school bell rings] - i don't know what the goddamn problem is. maybe you all don't know how serious tooth decay is, maybe you all just don't give a [bleep]. you all probably think you can live your lives cavity free, mkay, never giving two shits
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about the plaque that's building on your teeth. kyle, you have single-handedly destroyed all that which i worked on for the past six years. and so i want you to know, kyle, once and for all, why this whole dental hygiene thing is so important to me. two years ago... [sniffles] i lost my father to tooth decay. mkay? he was an intelligent, hardworking man, and my whole family watched as tooth decay took him in the blink of an eye! you've been told to brush and to floss, but do you really know the importance behind it? do you?
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but do you really know the importance behind it? your accent is adorablthank you. say tomato. tomato. toma-to. say it again... tomato. toma-to! is that right? it's the 'a' is the...
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know when to shhhhhhh the subtle fragrance of axe black. (carbonation fizz)snow) unleash a refreshing citrus kick. do the dew.
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to late nightt 20 decadent cravings like the bacon grilled breakfast burrito and shredded chicken mini quesadilla ♪ $1 all day at taco bell. let the feast begin. - [speaking native language] - this is stupid! i'm telling you, you're making a mistake, kid! - aw, leave the kid alone, scott. - well, what are we doing following this ice beaner? we've been walking around for hours! - [speaking native language] - [speaking native language] - don't worry. if there's one thing eskimos are good at, it's finding things. - eskimos are good for nothing. i paid one to give me a blow job once. all she did was rub her nose against my penis for 45 seconds, then asked me to pay her. goddamn polar gooks. - stop being a dick, scott. - oh, so now i'm a dick! - wait a minute. look!
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- aah! - it's the princess! - princess! all: ♪ your teeth are your friends ♪ ♪ they are friends in your mouth ♪ ♪ take care of your friends ♪ or they'll rot and fall out ♪ - ♪ visit your dentist ♪ he is your friend too - ♪ and dental floss also ♪ is here to help you - ♪ oh, no, dental floss! ♪ what will i do? - flat! you're flat! - there! - please, save me! you have to hurry. it wants to kill me! - who took you, princess? - i should have listened. i didn't believe it was real. oh, god! it's behind you! - [roaring] - of course! the evil atok-atuk! the dark lord that takes from all nationalities. it's tooth decay! - i am tooth decay! your teeth shall be mine!
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- i should have always brushed and flossed and avoided sweets! - fart-loving tooth decay! i'll fix you! aah! unh! - [roars] - [speaking native language] unh! aah! - save me! save me! - [growls] - it's coming for me! help! - help! - princess, look away! - [screeching] [crackling] - what the-- you did it, kid! - [speaking native language] - [speaking native language] - oh, thank you! thank you! - i want you all to take a serious [bleep] look at yourselves! mkay? act one was pure [bleep] dog shit!
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if tooth decay is singing flat, then the whole [bleep] thing sounds flat! mkay? - mr. mackey! mr. mackey! we are putting a stop to this play. it's over. - what? why? don't worry. act two will be better. these kids just aren't listening to me. - no, it's over. they got him, mr. mackey. tooth decay. they got the son of a bitch. - what? - up in the yukon. all bureaus are confirming it. - you can let it go, mackey. tooth decay is gone. - [sobbing] oh! oh, god. go on home, kids, mkay. it's over. - what? [pomp and circumstance playing] ♪ [horns honking]
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♪ - the princess now giving the canadian medal of courage to ugly bob. and also to scott, who is, of course, a giant dick. and katook-took of the yukon. and the medal, of course, made of white chocolate, as is tradition. what a glorious day for canada, and therefore, the world. - the duke of calgary, standing up and putting on a fake beard-- a tradition passed down since the birth of canada. the princess now knighting sir ike broflovski. giving him three kisses and a pair of socks, as is tradition. - i mean, come on, guys, that's pretty cool, right? my little brother is a knight in canada. - my sister is a den leader in girl scouts. - my uncle's the second in line to be manager at gart brothers. - hmm, yeah. - and now the scraping off of the pudding. isn't she beautiful, scraping off the pudding with the grace of a butterfly. she rubs the pudding on her face. the prince now attempting to remove one of the princess' arms. as is, of course, the tradition. the princess screaming with pain. everyone watching with anticipation.
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and the arm is off! things are back to normal here in canada. the time honored traditions are once again-- yes, the prince is sticking the princess' arm up his ass. there it goes. [cheers and applause] he's really making a good go of it. what a wonderful day for canada, and therefore, of course, the world. ♪ ♪ i'm goin' down to south park, gonna have myself a time ♪ ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ ♪ goin' down to south park, gonna leave my woes behind ♪ ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ people spouting, "howdy, neighbor!" ♪ ♪ heading on up to south park, gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ ♪ mrph rmhmhm rm! mrph rmhmhm rm! ♪
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about tempur-pedic mattresses... ♪ heading on up to south park, gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ is that they contour to your body. you just have to lay back in my tempur-pedic, and it just kind of forms to my body. it comes up to you, like hey, there you are... hey, there you are... ...i'm going to put you to sleep now. it keeps us comfortable and asleep at night. can i take a nap now. it's our biggest event of the year ...and a great time to buy a tempur-pedic, with our best prices on all tempur-pedic mattresses. save up to $600, now thru november 29th. get your tempur-pedic. the most highly recommended bed in america.
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yeah. tonight's been great. you look, amazing... you take after your mom.... she's hot. know when to shhhhhhh the subtle fragrance of axe black. this beer gets straight it looks you in the eyes... ...and firmly shakes your hand.
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coors banquet. that's how it's done. brewed only in thgolden, colorado... to its roots. ...and nowhere else. ever. coors banquet. that's how it's done.
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remember 2007? smartphones? o m g ten years later, nothing's really changed. it's time to snap out of it. hello moto. snap on a jbl speaker. a projector. a camera that actually zooms. it's a phone you can change again and again and again. hello moto. get excited world. moto is here. the new moto z with motomods. buy one moto z droid, get one free. only on verizon. oh, hey, kyle. kyle, hang on a sec. hey, jimmy. what's up? not much. i just wanted to make sure
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you've heard the f-f-fantastic news. there's a new terrance and phillip mobile game, and it's so amazing and incredibly fun. oh, really? yeah. and the most unbelievable part -- it's totally free! you should download it to your phone right now. i mean, come on. if it's free, why wouldn't you? cool. thanks, jimmy. well, i'll check it out. you betcha, pal. the "terrance & phillip" mobile game. in this game, you are terrance and phillip. can you collect all the canadian coins? [ coin jingles ] that's one coin. can you collect more? [ coins jingling ] you've collected 10 canadian coins! congratulations. hey, you're really good at this, guy. what? congratulations, kyle. with canada coins, you can buy stuff and help terrance and phillip rebuild canada. run around and collect more coins, or better yet, buy them in bulk. how man canadian coins would you like to buy?
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this is stupid. well, it's just $.49 for the cheapest one. [ coins jingle ] you bought 200 canadian coins for $.49! you're amazing! now use that canadough to help rebuild canada. click to build a hospital here. [ beeps ] [ fart! sparkle! ] yay! yay! it's still stupid, and now i paid $.49 for it. what are you two boners doing? we're playing the "terrance & phillip" freemium game. i played that thing. it's [bleep] dumb. i ended paying like five bucks. who makes this crap? [ french accent ] oh, it's tewiffic! that's $200,000 more american in just one day. where is the roof on this thing? [ doors open ] what's the big idea making a mobile game without our approval? oh, terrance and phillip. how are canada's two favorite buddies? what gives you the right to make a stupid "terrance & phillip" mobile game? who do you think you are? oh, i'm only the prince of canada. and this happens to be the minister of mobile gaming. we thought you would be pleased with the quality of the mobile game. it's the dumbest game ever. all you do is collect and spend canadough.
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eh, we know the game's not great. but who cares? it's free! but it's not free. if you charge $.40 here and $.50 there, then it's not free. they see through the charade. uh-oh. you think so? i think they see through the charade, yes. i'm pretty sure they can hear us, too. all right. [bleep] it. you've seen through the charade, so you might as well know everything. charade up! [ bell tolls ] [ gears whirring ] allow me to explain the science behind micro-pay freemium gaming. for years, the concept behind gaming was simple -- you pay for the game, and you enjoy. with mobile apps, we now have the ability to make games that are boring and stupid, but if you pay for incentives, you're rewarded. freemium -- the "mium" is latin for "not really." minister of gaming: it's a simple cycle, a never-ending loop based on rpgs. explore, collect, spend, improve. but whereas those just use the concept of x.p., or experience points, we've introduced the idea of micro-paying with money. money, money, money, money, money, money.
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it's what everyone is doing. freemium games are what's now, and it's all just a lot of harmless fun. you're in big trouble, stanley. can you explain to us how you managed to spend $489 on a mobile app? i'm sorry. i didn't realize i spent that much. you didn't realize? what are "canadian coins"? you buy canadian coins so you have canadough. stan, just because i make a good living with my music doesn't mean you can go blow it all on canadough. i'll pay you back for it, okay? how? i don't know. i'll figure it out. jesus christ. can you believe him? he knew how much he was spending. he knew he'd get in trouble. but it didn't matter. i hate to say it, but this is a lot like his grandpa. what do you mean? dad's always had a gambling problem. he's got total addiction tendencies. could he have somehow passed those demons down to stan? well, and you certainly have some of those problems, too, with drinking. i had a problem, but i was able to stop. now i only drink gluten-free beer and wine.
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but with stan, i think there's some darkness inside him that doesn't allow him to stop. [ dramatic chord plays ] and so, in conclusion, the successful freemium game is based on five principles -- entice the player with a simple game loop, use lots of flashing "cha-chings" and compliments to make the player feel good about themselves, train the players to spend your fake currency, offer the players a way to spend real currency for your fake currency... so they'll forget they're spending money. ...and make the game about waiting, but let the player pay not to wait. it's a surefire way to make lots of money. we understand micro-paying, but can't the game hidden inside the charade just at least be fun? no, no! it has to be just barely fun. if the game was too fun, then there would be no reason to micro-pay in order to make it more fun. what's this? your checks, of course, for $10 million american, each. so this is -- everyone is doing this? everyone is doing it. it's just the way things are going. it's the way things are going! well, i guess if everyone's just paying $.40 at a time,
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it can't be that bad. [ splat! sparkle! ] hey, phillip! [ babbles ] oh, hey, guys. [ fart! sparkle! ] you... missed school today? yeah, i just wasn't feeling the best. did you play the "terrance & phillip" freemium game all day? well, yeah. i was sick in bed. what else was i gonna do? how much money did you micro-pay today, stan? nothing. dude, i bought like $10 worth of canadough. [ coins jingle ] but check it out. i unlocked a stadium in toronto. you spent $10 and eight hours to unlock a stadium? you guys, is it that much dumber than video games you play? yes. [ fart! sparkle! ] it's just, like, something to kill some time. like jimmy said, it's a cool way to zone out. wait, wait, wait. jimmy told you about this game? jimmy told me about this game. kenny, who told you about this game? mrph. dude, what... the... fmph? psst. hey, kid. come over here. yeah, come on over. check this out. you looking to have some fun? what do you mean? the "terrance & phillip" mobile game.
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all the cool kids are using it. aw, i don't know. come on. just try it out. you can be terrance, or phillip, or both. you can walk around and collect canada cash to build new stuff. it's the perfect thing if you're bored. and honestly, the best part about it is it's free. i mean, come on. why wouldn't you download it and just try it out? hey, uh, jimmy, can we talk? well, sure, fellas. anyway, be sure to check it out, kid. dude, what are you doing? just hanging out. what are you up to? you need to stop recommending that app to people. mrph. everyone we know says they heard about it from you. i just think it's a fabulous app. that's all. it's not a fabulous app. it's [bleep] stupid. let me ask you something, jimmy. what happens on level two after you get the ontario nugget? all right, all right. i never played it. i stay away from the stuff. you just push it on other people? they pay me to! who, jimmy?! who pays you?! you've both done an amazing job. new hospitals, new neighborhoods, all funded by one freemium game. uh, listen. uh, we've been talking it over, and we really aren't comfortable with this freemium thing. oh, what is the matter? it seems dishonest, and we have a brand to protect.
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[ farts ] [ laughs ] but just look at all the things we're getting to build. soon, canada will be as advanced and developed as michigan. we're just worried that some people will abuse the game and start spending more money than they can afford. oh, no! well, we certainly wouldn't want that. [ gasps ] oh, i have an idea. how about we take some of the billions of dollars we are making and we start a campaign to teach everyone to play the game in moderation? oh! [ applauds ] do you really think that would help? of course! the alcohol industry does it all the time. [ rock music plays ] you. friends. fun. drink. hot girls. you're hot. drink more. expensive cars. ass. drink. ass. money. you in a tuxedo. threesomes. vodka. pussy. drink, drink, drink! you! drink! vegas! fun! pussy! you in a tuxedo [bleep] this girl. vodka! drink, drink, drink! drink it all, you [bleep] pussy! more tuxedo! more cars! more pussy! more vodka! drink, drink, drink! please drink responsibly. [ native american chanting ] come on. this way, stan.
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i want you to see this. there you go. that's your grandpa. he sits at that slot machine and mindlessly drains money away a little bit at a time. sound familiar? all the little sounds and lights are calculated to keep him sitting at that stupid machine. come on, dad. we're going home. ah, go away. do you know what you've done to your grandson? you've infected him with your bullshit! what are you talking about? i just don't understand what is wrong with you two. what is the joy that this stuff possibly brings you? it's just... it's fun. yeah, it's fun. it's not fun! you two have demons you're trying to compensate for. well, what about you? you're having a glass of wine. i'm not having a glass of wine. i'm having six. it's called a tasting, and it's classy. dad, i'm not addicted. i can stop. i just like playing it, but i don't have to. i'll prove it. yeah, and if he stops, i'll stop. all right. and if you two stop, then we won't have a problem anymore.
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hmm. earthy, bold, hint of cherry after-tones.
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hmm. your accent is adorablthank you. say tomato. tomato. toma-to. say it again... tomato. toma-to! is that right? it's the 'a' is the... know when to shhhhhhh the subtle fragrance of axe black.
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sfx: sailors talking into intercom talking ♪ around the world. around the clock. in defense of all we hold dear back home. learn more at is it my responsibility what people decide to do with their f-f-free time? i was just the middleman. people were going to learn about the game somewhere if not from me. i'm not the one who made it. but you accepted money from the canadian government to push a freemium game on us. why would they do that? how do you get people addicted to crack? you give it away for free. you give away a little taste, and then -- and then some people can't stop themselves.
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and now stan is so consumed by the shit you've been pushing that he can't even see through it! how could you sell out your friends?! i needed the money, all right! i downloaded yum yum sparkly gem forest because it was free. i loved the sparkling little gems, the sounds they made when i got new ones. then i made my first in-app purchase. before i knew it, i had spent my allowance, then my birthday money. i lost my crutches! you have your crutches. it's a figure of speech with crippled people. we'd say we lost an arm and a leg, but they ain't worth much. that makes sense. you're saying these games do this on purpose? why do you think freemium games send you those text notifications when you haven't played in a while? it's called a trigger -- a quick image to trigger the addict's brain. they know exactly what they're doing. [ sighs ] [ cellphone dings ] hey, buddy! come on, guy! [ cellphone dings ] come back, fwiend. you've got new buddies, guy.
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[ cellphone dings ] we've just given you 5,000 canadian coins. enjoy your canadough. free? what is wrong with you, stan? you said you stopped buying canadough. i didn't think i spent that much. i-i clicked on a few micro-pays and it just kind of added up. $26,000? do you know how many songs i have to write to make back that much money? one. oh, it's just nothing to you, isn't it? no. no, it's not. you need to realize that you have something in your brain that you somehow inherited from your grandpa that makes you act this way, okay? i don't know how you can say that when you're standing here chugging beer. i am not chugging beer. i'm sampling a flight of gluten-free german lagers with a french wine pairing. it's called a schmorgeswein, and it's elegantly cultural. [ clink! ] [ gulping ] [ glass thuds ] [ whistle blows ] [ doorbell rings ] okay, i need help.
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there is something different about me, you guys. i know the game is stupid, and it actually isn't even fun anymore. i don't understand. fellas, could i have a minute with stan, please? sure. come on, guys. this is my fault, stan. i should have never told you the game was f-f-f-fa-fantastic. it's not your fault. it's something to do with my family. it's like a curse. i know this stuff is hard to understand. trust me, i know. i'm an addict, too. but i got help. how? what all the addiction programs say is true -- you've got to reach out to a higher power, stan. you've got to get down on your knees and you've got to say, "i have a problem." and you've got to ask that higher power for help. we have to find a way to get the word out. people need to know pushers are being hired to take advantage of people with addiction problems. there has to be a way we can get to the news company and sneak in and somehow borrow their tv signal. if we could disguise ourselves as something ridiculous, then maybe -- okay, it's done. what's done? the word is out. "terrance and phillip hire pushers
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to make money off addicts." i tweeted it. it's trending. you son of a bitch! you paid pushers to get addicts hooked on our freemium game? you what? now, hold on, terrance and phillip. there's nothing wrong with promoting a mobile game. but there's something very wrong with knowingly making it appeal to human weaknesses! you didn't build a mobile game. you built an addiction machine! minister of mobile gaming, what's this all aboot? all right, all right. you've seen through the charade again. let me explain how freemium games really work. [ bell tolls ] the truth is a very small percentage of people who download freemium games ever pay anything for them. it's all aboot finding the heaviest users and extracting the most amount of cash from them. that's how you get addicts to pay 200 bucks for a game that's not even worth $.40. but then all our profits come from people with problems. don't think aboot that. think about all the money. here, have a bump of coke. [ snorts ] okay, but we still won't stand for this.
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i don't know if you're listening, but i guess i have something inside me that i can't control. it's something kind of dark. please, help show me the way. [ dramatic music plays ] you have summoned the prince of temptation for what purpose? oh, shit. uh...i have addiction demons and i don't understand them. then allow me to explain the darkness of the human soul. so, you've got dopamine, right? that's the chemical that gets released in your brain whenever you do something pleasurable like eating, sex. and that's just nature, right, like, rabbits and fish and shit, they need dopamine so that they want to consume and reproduce. okay. but because humans have progressed and now have access to all the shit they want whenever they want it,
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it's easy for them to overdo and have dopamine problems. you know, it's not [bleep] rocket science, this stuff. so there's nothing spiritually wrong with me? [bleep] no. it's like -- okay, it's like being diabetic. you know, it's like you can eat wrong and eat wrong, and chemicals get released from your liver in a weird way. you know, you've been eating gluten and shit. and then eventually you've got a chemical imbalance from your liver. and something clicked and now you're diabetic forever, right? so, like, if you keep doing something too much, eventually there's, um, a dopamine [bleep] up, right, and you're kind of screwed up for life. so, what does that mean? i can get addicted to everything so i can't enjoy anything? yeah, that's pretty much what it means. the addict people said something about me filling a hole. well, who's not filling a [bleep] hole, right? you know? i mean, what kind of bullshit is that? so, let's talk about genetics now. you still have time? yeah, no, this is great. okay, let me get some visual aids.
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our food was pretty darn close, too. we're keepin' that spirit alive with fajitas, a salad, and a mini molten cake for just $10. chili's. chilin' since '75. and a mini molten cake for just $10. yeah. tonight's been great. you look, amazing... you take after your mom.... she's hot. know when to shhhhhhh the subtle fragrance of axe black. you're 9 hours and 45 minutes into your quest. and the silver sword of garmúz is finally within reach. but now the one who needs an energy-orb is you. well good news. because jack in the box now delivers through doordash.
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so you can get all your favorites delivered right to your door. like my sriracha curly fry burger, with two tacos, halvsies and a drink. all in a munchie meal. saving the universe is hard. which is why i make ordering late night easy. delivery through the doordash app. new from jack in the box.
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here is a fact -- 80% of alcohol sales are paid for by alcoholics.
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using slot-machine tactics, freemiums games are able to make millions off of an even smaller percentage of mobile gamers. oh, god, he just doesn't stop. who is this guy? we're building a new canada with micro-payments from addicts. who cares? you think the [bleep] alcohol industry cares? they don't care that 10% are gonna get addicted. they're counting on it! it's the same with us. but we've got our eyes on every addicts' screen. every button they click, we get feedback on how to shove this shit right down their throats. why does he suddenly sound like al pacino in "devil's advocate"?! oh, i'm much worse than the devil. [ flap! flap! flap! ] i'm the canadian devil! ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! oh, dear god! it's the canadian devil! beelzaboot! you discovered my plan, but too late! [ fart! ] now the souls of all canadians belong to me! oh, no! oh, what have i done?! hee hee hee! ha ha ha! [ fart! ] so, basically, the genes you got from your dad
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make you more likely to have trouble with, um, dopamine regulation, and that's why you need to kind of watch out for addictive stuff. okay, so, you kind of understand now, champ? i guess so. but why do companies have to put so many addictive things out there? you know, they all do it, and it's kind of my deal. i've got to put temptation out there, too, so people have free will and all that shit. but, you know, everyone has their justification and thinks what they're doing is okay. [ cellphone chimes ] hey, buddy, where'd you go? don't you want more canadough? what's this? that's what i've been addicted to. it's a freemium game sending me push notifications. [ cheerful music plays ] [ cellphone chimes ] what, you just collect coins? [ coins clinking ] [ bell ringing ] how much money can you buy today? no, see, if something's addictive because it's fun, that's one thing. but this is just blatant skinner box manipulation. wait a minute, who put this out? uh, canada. oh, that son of a bitch. he's always doing this shit. i tell him temptation has to be nuanced,
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but he goes and does this crap again. i'm gonna need to borrow your soul real quick, kid. is that all right? okay. [ whissh! ] aaaaaaaaaaah! [ television blares ] oh, pass interference! interference! [ grim music plays ] stan? where are you going? [ satan's voice ] i shall return. do not attempt to stop me. told ya. kid's got demons. i don't do that. [ crowd wailing ] horror and sadness all over canada tonight. when the prince signed the agreement to make a freemium game, he apparently made a deal with the canadian devil. [ glass shatters ] hey, guy! i'm the canadian devil! canadian devil now has complete control of the souls of every canadian. this is a sad day for canada and, therefore, the world. [ laughing evilly ] [ fart! ] beelzaboot! once again, you lack any sense of nuance. who the [bleep] is that?
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well, well. my over-achieving doppelganger. you're no match for canadian satan! return from whence you came! [ fwoosh! ] aaaah! [ fwoosh! ] [ crowd screaming ] [ fwoosh! ] [ fwoosh! ] [ screaming ] certainly a shocking turn of events here as the actual devil has now appeared and seems to be fighting the canadian devil. this is certainly a conundrum for canadians everywhere as we try to figure out who to root for. for that, let's ask the minister of sports in edmonton. well, of course, the patriotic thing to do would be to root for the canadian devil. but then again, he is the one who has promised us pain and servitude for a million years. screw that! go, canada! enough, beelzaboot. thy end has come! [ fwoosh! ] [ people screaming ] [ whoosh! ] [ fwoosh! ] hey, dude. hey. you all right?
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yeah. yeah, i think i'm gonna be okay. cool. [ cheers and applause ] my fellow canadians, what we do now as a country will hopefully be a model for others. we have all learned a tragic lesson together that though many sins are out there, when you get involved with freemium gaming, you are making a deal with the canadian devil. we will no longer make freemium games, and we will no longer make improvements to our country with money taken from addicts. canada is back to being an ethical, respected, shitty tundra. [ cheers and applause ] i'm gonna move here and here, and then i'm gonna roll to kill this zombie. okay, good idea. what are you gaywods doing? we're playing board games so that grandpa avoids the casino and i avoid freemium apps. well, all right. good for you guys. tell you what, i'll join you. board games go good with a glass of wine. that's not a glass. that's a trophy. that you won... for drinking. it's not "drinking." it's called a wine zinfandel sipping sprint, and it's competitive. get off your high [bleep] horse.


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