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tv   The Nightly Show With Larry Wilmore  Comedy Central  March 17, 2016 11:31pm-12:02am PDT

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of it? coming up at noon. >> or not. captioning sponsored by comedy central ♪ (cheers and applause) >> larry: thank you very much! thank you! man, what a crowd! much! please. thank you. thank you very much. thank you very much. i like each time they say,
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larry, just kind of disappears into the night. welcome to "the nightly show." i'm larry wilmore. cosmo c.e.o. joanna coles joins us tonight. (cheers and applause) very excited about that. well, the latest news in the circus that is the republican nomination for president is that there may not be a clear winner, and this fight might go all the way to the convention. >> trump has not yet sealed the republican nomination, raising the spector of a brokered convention. >> brokered convention. , yes. >> larry: not to be confused with a "broker" convention, when a bunch of real estate agents go buck wild at a duluth doubletree. do not get that confused, you guys. but what is a brokered convention? here's rapper 2 chainz to help us understand in another installment of 2 chainz explainz. (hip-hop sting and singing)
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2 chainz explainz. >> hi, i'm 2 chainz. a brokered convention goes down when no single candidate has the 1237 delegates needed to win the republican nomination. now, if this happens, the convention goes ham. (laughter) they release all the delegates and they make you vote again. they don't care who you voted for the first time around. now that's gangster right there. (laughter) if the delegates vote again and no one gets that top spot, they just keep voting and voting and voting until they reach 1237 delegates. even though a brokered convention hasn't happened in 64 years, if it ever happens, it's going to be a hot mess. in 1924 delegates at the democratic convention had to vote 103 times before they picked the nominee. 103 times! ain't nobody got time for that! (applause)
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so, you know me, i got a thug life, one wife, a mistress and a girlfriend. >> larry: truuuuuue! this has been 2 chainz explainz. (cheers and applause) (hip-hop sting and singing) >> larry: okay. now for our top story. in d.c. yesterday, all eyes turned to the highest court in the land -- and i'm not talking about the daytime judge show "rasta court". (gavel pounding) >> you're free to go, mon! ♪ >> larry: technically, that is the highest court. you know, in 15 years, i've never seen anyone punished. the high court i'm talking about is it u.s. supreme court. despite republican threats to block anyone he chose, obama nominated a replacement for the allegedly non-murdered justice antonin scalia. >> today, i'm nominating chief judge merrick brian garland to
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join the supreme court. >> larry: hold on. did he say "merrick garland"? don't get me wrong, merrick garland's a good name for a judge, but it's a great name for so many other things. for instance, merrick garland, a sexy bayou vampire in an anne rice novel. or how about merrick garland, an old country estate outside of atlanta that was probably built by slaves? or merrick garland, an evil oil tycoon from an '80s prime time soap opera? what's that, ghost scalia? the kind of evil oil tycoon who could smother a supreme court justice with a pillow at a texas ranch? what?! justice scalia, your sleep number is... eternity. ha ha ha ha ha! ♪ (applause) i don't know why we're staying on that story. excuse me?
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one of america's finest justices doesn't deserve justice? now, merrick garland is an eminently qualified justice. so qualified that, last week, republican senator orrin hatch held garland up as an ideal bipartisan choice calling the justice "a fine man" before adding that obama probably wouldn't pick him because he's too moderate, and back in 2010, hatch called garland "a consensus nominee." well, g.o.p., obama picked the moderate, so does that mean senate majority leader and old-age mutant ninja turtle mitch mcconnell will relent in his blockade against an obama nominee? no, it does not. >> according to his spokesperson, mcconnell called garland today to let him know, "since the senate will not be acting on this nomination, he would not be holding a perfunctory meeting, but me -- but he wished judge garland well. >> larry: called him? mcconnell broke up with him over the phone? (as mcconnell) "hi, ms. garland. uh, is merrick home? hey, merrick. this is mitch. how's it going?
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yeah, me, too. look, i don't think i'll be able to see ya. well, i just got out of a long relationship with another justice. yeah, i do think it was murder. no, they never found the pillow. look, merrick, it's not you. it's me. i'm just kind of a petty asshole. gotta go!" (cheers and applause) okay, congress, can i talk to you for a minute? look, guys, right now both sides are in a stupid political fight over one of the most important positions in all the land. yeah, the democrats started it with the bork nomination, biden said some bull (bleep) 20 years ago, the republicans held obama's circuit court nominations hostage forever probably because he tried to block alito, who, by the way, still made it on theo the court -- but it doesn't matter. both sides are acting like children. you know what? can we stop this and you just do
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your (bleep) job? (cheers and applause) i mean, think about it. why do you think the approval rating for congress is at 13%? because of crap like this. (applause) it's true! subway jared has a higher approval rating than that. google it. it's true. no, it's not -- i just made it up. all right, i'll tell you what -- you guys are supposed to be the leaders of america. we're supposed to follow you, right? you're not doing your job? okay. well, i'm not going to do my job. i'm just going to sit here and not do my job. (laughter) i'm not gonna do my job... (laughter) guys, if you laugh, technically, i'm doing my job. (laughter)
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okay, how does the candy come down? >> dre: hey, larry. >> larry: hey, dre. what's up? >> dre: larry, the brass at comedy central called. they said you have to do your job. >> larry: awww. wait, are you sure about that? >> dre: positive. >> larry: so you're saying i'm held to a higher degree of accountability than congress? >> dre: afraid so, larry. >> larry: all right. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) ♪ oh hon, why is this a wine fridge now
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(cheers and applause) >> larry: welcome back. there is a major crisis in america that doesn't get a lot of attention. >> some 23 1/2 million americans nationwide including 6 1/2 million children currently living in food deserts. >> larry: okay, so what is a food desert, really? for more, we turn to our resident food snob jordan carlos -- or as i like to call him, foody mc-hipster-ton. (cheers and applause) >> jordan: thank you, larry. yes, apparently, a food desert is not what i originally thought -- an extra dry white wine served with melba toast. oh, yes, there's practically a good desert in my mouth! >> larry: you really are a foody mc-hipster-ton. so what is a food desert? >> jordan: great question. i went out to find that out for myself. welcome to my journey! ser virginicervecli?
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when did you get this in. i live in brooklyn where the finer things in life are only a step away. food to me isn't just nourishment, it's a way of life. so when i heard about a so-called food desert i knew i had to find out more about it. >> a food desert is a neighborhood where people have very little access to a supermarket or a large grocery store. >> are you saying a large number of people in america don't live near a grocery store? >> 80% of those food deserts are in city areas where people live further than one mile from a grocery store that sells fresh fruits and vegetables. >> jordan: it's the age-old question -- if the grocery store won't come to you, why don't you just hop in your prius and go to -- (laughter) i'm sorry, is there something funny? >> food deserts are not in neighborhoods where people have
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prius or mercedes or -- >> jordan: okay, volvos. foresters. >> these are neighborhoods with primarily low-income people. >> jordan: these people, you were saying -- >> this is not a real desert. this is really a metaphor, okay? you need to go to camden, new jersey. i challenge you to find an heirloom tomato. >> jordan: challenge accepted. okay. >> jordan: where's my prius? i accepted ester's challenge and set off to camden to find the heirloom to mato. where where's your organic section in do you have any farm-to-table or free-range eggs? where would that area be? i guess i'll keep poking around. >> people thought that poor people didn't want to eat healthy foods and turns out that's actually not true, it's just not there. >> maybe this is a little
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desertesque. has it been a mile yet? damn it, i forgot my fit bit! sugar ricereal, sugary sugar. where's the food? hey, i was noticing there's like a lot of sugary snacks. i'm looking for the organic food. >> no. why don't you have organic food? >> convenience store is closer, doesn't mean you have everything. >> jordan: why is cake mix more convenient than fresh produce? >> i challenge you to find an heirloom tomato in camden, new jersey. >> jordan: they're all processed! this is cheese is neither loyal sourced nor. this it's made with robot parts. i don't know what this is!
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>> you know what? these kinds of diets produce for people? you have high rates of diabetes and high rates of obesity because you have to fill yourself up with cheap stuff and all that is empty calories and fattening! so where's the tomato now? >> no! (applause) >> in the united states, we have 13.6 million people living in food deserts. >> oh! oh! ah... i'm fine! ♪ >> jordan: ester challenged me to walk a mile in someone else's
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shoes but i had to walk five times that far just to get fresh produce! above all else, i put you inside me! mmm! mmm! oh, god, yes! but enough talk, time to lie in glory with my heirloom goddess... mmm, mmm, ahhh! is that the snans got it. i'm just getting the one. (cheers and applause) >> larry: thank you jordan! to learn more about food deserts and how you can help, check out "hunger free america" for research, donation and volunteer opportunities, or look up your local anti-hunger groups online. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) ♪ man, i might just chill tonight.
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hey, thank you.s, amazing party. is that the famous food critic miles von gaston? perfectly thin and crispy. freshly roasted chipotle peppers. um. delicious mild smokey taste. he knows this isn't a restaurant right? four stars for the chips the service... not so much. new tostitos cantina chipotle thins deliciously authentic. tostitos. bring the party.
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(cheers and applause) ♪ >> larry: >> larry: welcome back. i'm here with my panel. first up, "the nightly show" contributor mike yard. (cheers and applause) "the nightly show" contributor robin thede. (cheers and applause) and she's the editor-in-chief of cosmopolitan. joanna coles. (cheers and applause) and for everyone at home: join our conversation right now on twitter @nightlyshow using #tonightly. okay, so earlier this week, i remember watching this, after hillary's big primary win, "morning joe's" joe scarborough tweeted "smile. you just had a big night ." women weren't too happy, and he was bombarded with a slew of responses including this daily news headline, calling him out as sexist. my question is why do you think
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this struck such a chord? >> it's the oldest form to have street harassment to women. any woman knows what it's like walking from n front of a construction site and it's like, cheer up, love! smile! this was not his finest moment. i have seen him in pajamas. i know this was not his finest moment. (laughter) here's the thing, what do we want from hillary? we don't want a smiler in chief, we want a president. >> correct. (cheers and applause) >> no one's going to tell bernie to smile. that would be frightening. i love bernie, but -- >> larry: well... it's like if somebody cold like! he has every right not to be
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smart. >> larry: did it strike you any way? >> for me, and we've got to keep it a hundred, that's what we do on this show, as a man, i always go a hundred. whatever. at the risk of being public enemy number one. >> larry: speak your mind, man. >> i don't get this one. i don't get this one. to tell you the truth, if i watched that and she wasn't smiling, i probably would have thought the same thing. i wouldn't have tweeted it but i thought (bleep) you're almost president (bleep) be happy! if i'm a stone's throw away from the presidency, i'm break dancing, i'm coming in with a barrel roll, i'm high fiving people with my feet, larry, that's how excited i would be. >> larry: my advice is not throw that stone. >> i'm glad you didn't tweet. >> larry: yeah. (laughter) >> but a serious point is actually tuesday night was really hillary actually the sort of official idea she's going to get the nomination. >> larry: she's stepping into inevitability right now. >> absolutely. and so what she was doing was
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taking it seriously because it is really a serious election and i think that was it. she didn't want to smile and make light of it. this is a serious moment. she'd won every single state. bernie was nowhere to be seen, and she was moving it forward, and you saw her giving basically what was a general election speech. >> larry: it's usually called presidential. >> right. (applause) i want to say, hillary cannot do anything right. no woman has trodden this path before. no one has been in the white house as the wife, then senator, secretary of state and still called inexperienced. and what you want is her experience. (applause) >> larry: absolutely. i don't get the whole shouting thing, too, where they keep saying they want hillary to stop shouting. >> there you got me. i'm with you. i'm with you on that one. >> larry: i don't get it! you're speaking to 10,000 people or something. trump shouts like frickin'
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mussolini at every event. (applause) bernie always shouts. >> bernie shouts because he can't hear himself. (applause) i think bernie shouts -- no one ever tells the queen to small or margaret thatcher. they just wanted her to do the job. >> larry: he was the iron lady. >> she was and people were terrified of her. there's a strange thing in america where people want to sort of hang out with the president. people would say with george bush, he's the guy i want to have a beard with. i have news for you, he's the president and he's never going to have a beer with crowvment why do you want to like them? you need to have them do a good job. >> larry: guaranteed, he's not the designated driver if i'm having a beer with him. guaranteed. >> if i have a beer with the president, i want you to be doing your job all the time. stop drinking and do your job. >> if trump gets nominated,
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we're all going to be drinking. >> larry: let me ask you this question, i know we're running out of time, but as editor-in-chief, you face, i'm sure, many obstacles in the workplace. are there any particular problems that a woman who leads faces? >> well, the really interesting thing is all the research shows -- all the research shows -- that success in a woman equals unlikability, and that's just a real problem for our culture at large. and if you have a male politician and he goes back to his constituents and says this is what i've done, i've passed this bill, done this and this, people are thrilled. if a female politicians tells her constituents, this is what i've done, got this bill passed, made this progress, people think she's bragging and it's such a big cultural leap for women. still, you see it reflected in the numbers. 20 senate seats held by women, 18 in congress, 3% of fortune 500 companies. you just think, when are we going to get a break?
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when are we going to be able to embrace power and men be okay with it? and women, too. (cheers and applause) >> i don't know these men you talk about. i don't know these men that you talk about. i'm sorry. i cannot -- i don't know these guys that are threatened by a woman with a good job. maybe that is true. i'm not and have never been a woman, but i'm only attracted to women who are way more powerful than me. so i don't get that. >> larry: i will introduce you to the united states of america. we'll be right back! (cheers and applause) ♪ >> if you live in the new york city area or planning to visit, grab free tickets to "the nightly show," go to the then what makes thermacare different? two words: it heals. how? with heat. unlike creams and rubs that mask the pain, thermacare has patented heat cells that penetrate deep to increase circulation and accelerate healing. let's review: heat, plus relief, plus healing, equals thermacare. the proof that it heals is you.
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♪ captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org: it's 11 qu 59s happened on buzz feedk big political news pete sessions republican congressman from texas introduced a bill to recognize magic as an official form of art and national treasure. meaning imagineicians could qualify for government grants and make taxpayer money disappear. here is some key passages from this magic resolution. >> whereas magic enables people to experience the impossible. that's nice. whereas david copperfield introduced to magic as a boy has been named a living lengthened

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