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tv   The Daily Show  Comedy Central  March 16, 2016 1:37am-2:11am PDT

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hit them with the old tosh switcheroo. everyone watching would wonder why kevin's opener is doing so much time. finally, if you've ever been horned up by the thought of an asian woman smashing her face into bread, have i got a gal for you. she has posted dozens and dozens of these videos. what an oddly specific fetish. i could get into that, but unfortunately, i have a carb-conscious diet. who has clam chowder in a bread bowl for lunch? that was loaves of fun. i always get the bread cup of soup with a half sandwich. all right, hosting a show in a parka was a bad idea. good night. comedy central
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>> announcer: march 15th, 2016. ♪ from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. [ cheers and applause ] >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show." thank you so much, everybody. thank you so our guest tonight, i'm really excited for this, "the new york times" columnist and co-author of the book "indentured," joe nocera is joining us, people! [ cheers and applause ] so, tonight, we're going to talk about unforced errors. also known as whoopsies. goof-'em-ups, or one great american philosopher puts it -- [ laughter ] -- "did i do that?" you see, sometimes you get so in your head about winning, that you psych yourself out. it happens a lot to athletes under pressure. like when shaq would miss his free-throws or peyton manning
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threw that pass over the fence into old-man witherbee's yard, yeah, remember that, and they had to end the game in the third quarter, because that place is haunted, yo. unforced errors, also a big hazard in politics, especially for presidential politics. for example, democratic front-runner, hillary clinton. here she is yesterday defending her run in the ousting of moammar gadhafi. >> is libya perfect? it isn't. but did they have two elections that were free and fair where they voted for moderates, yes, they did. yes, i mean, libya was a different kind of calculation. and we didn't lose a single person. >> trevor: yes, libya may be a disaster. but according to hillary, one major upside is that no american soldiers were killed overthrowing gadhafi. or because clinton said, we didn't lose a single person in libya, it allows an opening for this to happen. >> did you catch this, hillary clinton says no americans have died in libya. hmm. really?
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>> ooh. >> how could you forget about these four americans murdered in benghazi? >> trevor: hmm, really, hmm, ah, hmm. [ laughter ] hillary! you walked right into that trap. how could you not see it coming? conservatives love blaming hillary for benghazi. they push benghazi like an italian waiter pushes parmesan. "that's enough. that's enough. i'm good." [ laughter ] "yeah, i said when. i said when, like, long -- no, like, no, thank you -- no, thank you. i'm really done. yeah, that's -- yes, that's -- no, i don't want -- no, thank you, i'm fine." [ laughter ] "no, i don't want pepper, thank you." now, luckily for clinton, benghazi is not an issue that will hurt you with democratic voters. but she still has to be careful about making that type of unforced error on issues that her supporters actually care more about. you know, and avoiding those mistakes should be very easy. so easy, in fact, we turn it into a new segment. ♪ welcome to this "it should be
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easy," people, where it seems easy, because it is! [ laughter ] our contestant tonight is the candidate for president and ex-first lady, making voters around the country say, "ah, fine." give it up for hillary rodham clinton! [ cheers and applause ] whew! so, let's start the game off with an easy round. demographic at stake -- passionate young liberals. they back bernie sanders now. but if you want to keep them come general election time, you need to show them that you're honest and authentic. >> i always get a little chuckle when i hear my opponent talking about doing it. well, i don't know where he was when i was trying to get healthcare in ' 93 and '94, standing up against the insurance companies, standing up against the drug companies. >> trevor: yeah! where was bernie in 1993? smoking the daoob? show me where hillary was on
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healthcare in 1993? >> it took the sanders campaign less than five minutes to tweet a link from 1993 of clinton thanking bernie sanders for his support on healthcare. >> and i'm grateful that congressman sanders would join us today from vermont. [ buzzer sound ] [ laughter ] >> trevor: ahhhh! where was bernie in 1993? standing right behind you, hillary! [ laughter ] now, now, now, in hillary's defense, people, it was 23 years ago, so maybe bernie sanders look different back then. [ laughter ] there is a -- [ laughter ] no. no, nope, nope. looks exactly the same. bernie sanders, somehow discovered the secret to eternal old age. [ laughter ] i don't know how he's done that. he's benjamin without the button. [ laughter ] so let's move on to the next round. and now, that means it gets easier. [ laughter ] it's last friday, and you're at nancy reagan's funeral, because she has died. you need to say something respectful about the former first lady without upsetting
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your democratic voters. >> it may be hard for your viewers to remember how difficult it was for people to talk about hiv/aids back in the 1980s. and because of both president and mrs. reagan, in particular mr. reagan, we started a national conversation -- [ buzzer sound ] -- when before nobody would talk about it -- [ buzzer ] -- nobody wanted to do anything about it -- [ buzzer ] and, you know, that, too, is something that i really appreciate with her, very effective, low-key advocacy. [ buzzer ] [ laughter ] >> trevor: no, hillary! the correct answer was -- any other combination of words. [ laughter ] >> the record is that the reagans did not act quickly enough. >> ronald reagan led tens of thousands of people die of aids and hiv before he uttered a word about the crisis. >> trevor: there were so many things -- so many nice things hillary could have said about nancy reagan, but for some reason, she brought up the
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worst thing. it's almost like on the way to the funeral, just don't bring up aids. just don't bring up aids. and so, hillary -- "aids!" ahhhh! [ laughter and applause ] hillary, you need the lgbt community. they're the people who started the discussion around aids, and because they're active democratic voters, they should be your natural alie, so you can't say the reagans were good on aids. if you were making a movie about aids and you had to cast the bad guy -- well, you cast aids, but the reagans would get supporting roles. all right. [ laughter ] so, hillary losing more points. and time for the final round. the easiest one yet. the demographic is -- white, working-class, swing-state voters who you probably can't win the white house without. they work tough, blue-collar jobs like coal mining and manufacturing, and they're particularly worried about their job security. secretary clinton, you're in ohio last sunday. all you have to do is
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>> i'm the only candidate which has a policy about how to bring economic opportunity, using clean renewable injury as the key into coal country, because we're going to put a lot of coal miners and coal companies out of business. [ buzzer ] >> trevor: right? [ laughter ] it's so funny, out there, like, "right, tim?" and you know, tim is in the audience saying, "i don't know who this woman is. personally, i love coal. yeah, i love coal. all coal. charcoal, nat "king" cole. this lady is on her own." i'm so sorry, hillary. what you were trying to say was people with coal jobs will get better jobs in the renewable energy industry, but instead, completely unnecessarily, it felt like you said this -- >> you are so [ bleep ] fired! [ laughter ] >> trevor: so we've come to the end of the game, and at the end
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of the game, hillary has scored zero points! [ cheers and applause ] that's right! and yet! she is still moving on to the next round! [ laughter ] that's all we have time for, hillary clinton "this should have been easy!" we'll be right back. [ cheers and applause ] this is the all-new 20wow, it's nice.. let's check it out. do any of you have kids? i do yes. this car has a feature built in called teen driver technology, which lets parent's see how their teens are driving. oh, that's smart. it even mutes the radio until the seat belt is fastened. will it keep track of how many boys get it in the car? (laughter) cause that could be useful. this is ahead of what my audi has for sure. wish my beamer had that. i didn't even know that technology existed. i'm not in the market for a car but now i may be. 3d so you can do a ton ofponds tstuff in a lot less time.nger.
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>> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." yesterday, we talked a little about the violence that has been breaking out at donald trump's rallies. now, it's gotten everyone a little on edge, including donald trump. >> in dayton, this dramatic
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moment. the secret service jumping on stage to surround trump, blocking him from a man trying to rush him. [ laughter ] >> trevor: how much do you want to bet, just a split second, trump thought that that was jeb bush? [ laughter ] for a split second, he was, like, "i knew he'd be coming! i'm sorry, jeb, i was just playing." [ laughter ] so what kind of person rushes the stage at a donald trump rally? well, to donald trump, the answer was obvious. >> one of my people said, "wow, they found his name." and it was probably isis or isis-related. >> from the internet, if you look at the clips, he was playing arabic music. he was dragging the flag along the ground. he's dragging the flag -- the american flag -- yeah, you can't drag the american flag on the ground. every trump supporter knows you've got to treat the flag with respect. and that's why you wear it as a tank-top. [ laughter ] yeah! you know, there's just one problem with donald trump's
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isis theory. >> law enforcement officials from two different federal agencies tell nbc news they know of no isis connection, adding there's nothing to indicate any tie. >> that turned out to be video of a guy a total hoax. >> trevor: okay, just, look, well, was it a hoax he's dragging the flag? was that him? i don't know. what do i know about it? all i know is what's on the internet. [ laughter ] >> trevor: all i know is what's on the internet? [ laughter ] really? all i know is what's on the internet? that is literally worth the not knowing anything. [ laughter ] america, america has to build a wall! to keep out slenderman and make sure that we can afford medicine for our sneezing panda! [ laughter ] like, whoever that guy was who rushed the stage, you know, secret service stopped him. and most anti-trump protesters don't get such professional courtesies. >> cameras captured trump supporters shoving and yelling at this demonstrator.
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>> one trump supporter actually spitting in the face of this protester. >> here's a man with a bloody face, at a trump event in st. louis. people could be heard saying, "shut his ass, shoot him." >> some yelling, "light him on fire." >> trevor: light the [ bleep ] on fire? [ groans ] good lord, man. i wonder in those instances, three hours later, that man is at dinner with his wife, and she's, like, i still can't believe you screamed "light the [ bleep ] on fire." he was, like, "yeah, i got carried away." all of this is terrible to watch. but the silver lining is, it's creating good new jobs. >> attention! have you been injured in the flood of violence otherwise known as a donald trump rally? if so, you might be the victim of a condition known as assholethelioma, and we're the law firm of klepper and wood, and we're the team who fights for you.
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i was at a trump rally when a guy punched me for not cheering loud enough, and i was, like, hey, listen, i'm here to support donald trump, and he grabbed me and punched me harder. i was walking in a parking lot when someone in a trump hat head-butted me. i used to be a hat model. >> if you suffer from eye-blackening. >> or blindness from overexposure to white skin. >> call klepper and wood. we've got your back! [ laughter ] >> trevor: that's going to be a useful service. [ applause ] really useful service. you know, one person who might need it -- well, you have probably seen this one. >> we have new video, what it shows is a black protester being escorted out of the building on his way out, a white man in the crowd jumps up and punches him in the face. >> trevor: i don't know how that old dude got away with it. he must be one charming gentleman. >> you bet i liked it. yeah.
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>> what did you like about it? >> knock the hell out of that big mouth. we don't know who he is. but we know he's not acting like an american. the next time we see him, we might have to kill him. [ groans ] >> trevor: holy [ bleep ]! you know, on comedy central offered me a job in america, they didn't tell me about this guy. [ laughter ] because if they did, i would have come sooner. [ laughter ] [ applause ] of course -- [ applause ] the other reason this guy might have thought he could get away with throwing a punch was something donald trump has been saying. >> yeah, get 'em out. try not to hurt 'em. if you do, i'll defend you in court. don't worry about it. if you see somebody getting ready to throw a tomato, knock the crap out of 'em, would you? seriously. [ cheers ] okay? just knock the hell -- i promise you, i will pay for the legal fees. i promise. >> trevor: i promise you i will pay for the legal fees.
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oh, you've got soft, trump. old donald would make the mexicans pay for the legal fees. [ laughter ] so, donald trump may be paying legal fees of his supporters who heard protesters, which, again, is good news for the lawyers. >> attention! have you or anyone you known lost control and injured someone at a donald trump rally? we're the law firm of klepper and wood. and we're the team to fight for you! >> i don't know what happened, one minute i was chanting mexico, mexico! the next, some college kid was running his face into my fist! >> the little whore in the bernie shirt was looking at me funny, so, yeah. >> if you suffer from bruised fists, sudden loss of country. >> rage elbow. >> or muslim, call the law firm of klepper and woods. the best part is -- >> i will pay for the legal fees, i promise. >> there are literally no consequences. call now. [ laughter ] >> trevor: we'll be right back! [ cheers and applause ]
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which has that one scene you forgot about.. so you use your go-to parental blocking device... which also happens to be your go-to snack. baked with real ingredients. no artificial flavors or colors. introducing good thins. your go-to good. [ cheers and applause ] >> trevor: welcome back. my guest tonight is the columnist for "the new york times" and the co-author of the book "indentured: the inside story of the rebellion against the ncaa." please welcome joe nocera. [ cheers and applause ] thank you so much for being here. >> my pleasure.
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>> trevor: what a fascinating book. let's get into it immediately, because, i mean, we're at the start of march madness. >> we are. >> trevor: we're talking about college basketball, and the book -- i mean, that title, "indentured." is it safe to say you are say ing that the ncaa treats its players like slaves? >> indentured servants. i don't go all the way to slaves. i don't. but indentured servants. >> trevor: you go along to slave -- but not all the way to slave. [ laughter ] >> not all the way, not all the way, no. >> trevor: they could leave. >> they can leave. of course, it wrecks their career, they can't get an education, they don't have a good life. so they can leave. >> trevor: so slaves. got it. [ laughter ] it's such a fascinating book, because, i mean, a lot of people love college basketball. it's so exciting. it's huge in america. but, i mean, the things that you read about in this book are so powerful in terms of how you feel the ncaa's treating the players. do you really believe that the change needs to come in the form of them paying the players? >> i do. i think they need more rights.
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i think they need due process. and i think they need money. they get a scholarship, but they often don't get an education. they're making billions of dollars -- >> trevor: what does that mean, they get a scholarship but they don't get an education? >> well, they take classes that are designed to keep them on the field as opposed to getting -- having a normal major like every other student. a lot of them aren't prepared for college work. >> trevor: yeah. >> a lot of them, you know, they get -- they finish their four years, they're not ready to graduate, they're done. they get tossed out. >> trevor: here's -- here's the problem, i mean, from the ncaa's side. they say the reason college players shouldn't be paid is because -- i mean, they list many reasons -- one of the biggest ones is that, that no longer means they're amateurs. it will spoil the game. >> that's correct. it no longer means they're amateurs. so? [ laughter ] what's their point? [ applause ] >> trevor: well, the point they're making -- the point they're making is they're saying without the game being about amateurs, it loses the thrill. part of the thrill is that they're not professionals. part of the thrill is these are
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college kids and that makes it exciting and has a rawness to it. >> well, where does it say that you can't get paid if you're in college? >> trevor: in the ncaa rules. [ applause ] >> no, no, no, i mean every student. you work in the photo lab. you work in the cafeteria. lots of students get paid. the only ones that don't get paid are athletes. [ applause ] who, by the way, work 50, 60 hours. their education is way secondary to being on the practice field. >> trevor: yeah. >> and oh, by the way, the coach makes $5 million. you know why he makes $5 million? because they don't have any -- they don't have anyplace else to put the money. >> trevor: that is insane. that sin san-- insane. it's truly fascinating. let's say there's a middle ground. it's easy to say they should pay them. they don't want to pay them. what are the things that can improve? you have rich suggestions in the book, which i appreciated. for instance, talking about the healthcare. why is healthcare and insurance so important for these players? >> well, a lot of them, you
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know, they end their careers with injuries, with pain. that they're going to have for the rest of their lives. i think the universities have a moral responsibility to give players lifetime scholarships and lifetime health insurance. [ cheers and applause ] >> trevor: if a player becomes a huge nba star, though, isn't that a little unfair? >> how many of them become huge nba stars? five percent of college athletes join the professional ranks. 5%. we're talking really about 95%, their one window of athletic opportunity is when they're in college. and, you know, a lot of don't graduate. ten years later, they say, you know, i really should have gotten my degree. >> trevor: yeah. >> i think they should be able to do that. but i also think while they have this little window of opportunity, they should get some money. >> trevor: the ncaa, they do not play around. [ laughter ] like, how -- >> you think? >> trevor: -- how do you get this going forward? here's -- >> here's the problem. the courts haven't done a whole
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lot. congress is never going to do anything. the ncaa is never going to reform itself. but there is a way. there is a way. if one team at the final four decided not to come out and just stayed in the locker room, you'd change the system in an hour. [ laughter ] >> trevor: can you tell me which team that would be? [ laughter ] i just need to change my bracket. that's all i'm saying. i just need to adjust my bracket. that is an interesting challenge. do you think any players would have the heart to do that? >> five years ago, i thought that was completely impossible. but then, the missouri football team last fall said, if we don't do something about the racism for students on campus, we're going on strike, and we won't play next sunday. [ applause ] and think about what happened. think about what happened. >> trevor: yeah. >> the president of the university resigned within 36 hours. >> trevor: that's powerful.
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>> players have power. >> trevor: so final four, one hour, stay in the locker room. >> stay in the locker room. >> trevor: which team would you like to stay in the locker room? [ laughter ] [ laughter ] >> all hey there, can i help you with anything?
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♪ by comedy central [♪] [cheers and applause] >> thank you very much. thank you so much. such a great job. please, thank you so much. thank you very much.


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