tv The Nightly Show With Larry Wilmore Comedy Central April 15, 2015 1:34am-2:06am PDT
unnyordie.com and at halaiinthefamily.tv today. here it is... your moment of zen. >> okay, they're going around to the back. you can see the media running behind me here to chase the scooby van. >> wow. she's going around to the back. >> wow. all right. >> we'll see her very soon. guy in the orange pants is ioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> larry: tonightly, we're discussing the ultimate punishment. and no, i don't mean season tickets to the knicks. ( laughter ) utah might pring back the firing squad, two things america has a lot of guns and bad ideas. upon the boston marathon bomber has been found guilty. this is the nightly show. let's do this.
( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( cheers and applause ) >> larry: yes, thank you very much. welcome to "the nightly show." thank you. >> larry! larry! larry! larry! larry! larry. >> larry: thank you. i am larry wilmore. the suspense is broken. as you may know in our top news tonight, a jury is currently deliberating the punishment for boston bomber and "rolling stone" cover model, dzhokhar tsarnaev. >> guilty on all 30 counts. that was the jury's unanimous decision earlier this week in the boston marathon bombing case against dzhokhar tsarnaev. >> larry: wow! 30 counts. man. those are cosby numbers. ( laughter )
( applause ) that's right, ( bleep ). i haven't forgotten about you. just sayin'. i haven't forgot forgotten. now, among the victims a girl and boy and 264 injured and 17 lost limbs and he was caught on video doing it. and check out his defense. >> defense attorney judy clarke argued that tsarnaev chose that spot not to target kids but because there was a tree there. ( laughter ). >> larry: yeah ( bleep ) trees. ( laughter ) okay. sentencing time. >> next week, the jury begins deliberations on a much tougher question-- should tsarnaev be put to death for this? >> larry: well, the death penalty. wow. this is actually the perfect time to talk about this. it's spring. life is blooming. let's talk death! okay. all right. that makes no sense at all.
( laughter ) ( applause ) okay. give me the numbers of people for and against the death penalty for tsarnaev. >> i want to go over these results today we have from this nbc news online survey by survey monkey. >> larry: hold up hold up. i'm going to stop you right there, nbc. survey monkey? ( laughter ) what's their slogan survey monkey. polling so accurate, you'll swear a mofngy monkey did it. ( applause ) how does that work? and i love their ad. ♪ ♪ ♪ ( applause ). >> larry: survey monkey. okay well let's see what numbers this poop-smelling primate came up with. >> it was conducted before yesterday's verdict, we should note, but it shows 47% of those questioned, they want the death penalty for tsarnaev. 42% say, no, he should spend life in prison without parole.
>> larry: wait 11% are not sure? how are you not sure? did you not understand the question or were you too busy doing this? ( laughter ) just sayin'. just sayin'. i can understand if upper is all i'm sayin'. now, some of you may not talk about the death penalty at breakfast every day like i do, but, guys, there's a lot of stuff going on in the world of death so let me just update you okay. >> many states may have to find another way to execute prisoners after the nation's largest pharmacist group called on members to stop selling drugs for lethal injection. >> larry: hey, whoa walgreens. first you restrict my sudafed and now won't sell me any death juice? ( laughter ) well, can't we just borrow some from texas? they've got to have a stockpile. >> texas is scheduled to execute these four men next month, but only after officials scram scrambled
to find the drug phenobarbital >> and that makes sense, texas is a heavy user. doesn't anybody have heisenberg's number? i bet if you ask keith richards i bet he could come up with a concoction that could kill anybody. except keith richards, of course. all right, look we're just trying to kill people. how hard could it be. >> ohio, oklahoma, and arizona experimented with new drug combinations made on special order by compounding pharmacies, which led to prolonged and apparently painful executions. >> larry: wait so they're not making death juice. they're making death hooch? ( laughter ) making this stuff shipment feel like cooking with emril. a leach bleerchg a little arsenic, sea salt bam dead. easy stuff. come on. since the homemade stuff isn't working other states are going old school. >> tennessee has joined seven other states that would use the
electric chair. four states would use the gas chamber. and utah's governor signed a law last week bringing back the firing squad. >> larry: oh my god. the firing squad. somebody call turner classic movies man. can we tie people to railroad tracks? ( laughter ) now, perhaps the most troubling aspect of the death penalty is the way it disproportionately scwiewz along racial lines. blacks make up 13.2% of the population but when it comes to death row the numbers are a little different. >> 42% of death row inmates are african american. >> larry: this is not the kind of equal representation we've been marching for. right? so there appear to be a lot of good reasons to be against the death penalty. howsomever, we're not talking about capital punishment in the general sense. we're talking about this local
bastard. we've been asking the question should we kill this ( bleep )? i think the answer is we should kill this ( bleep ). >> there is no question here of guilt. the scale of tsarnaev's deeds dooeds are about as wick adds you could imagine. if we're going to have a death penalty there this country this seems exactly the kind of case to tiewz on. >> larry: the nerd's rice. the question is not if we should kill him but how. he needs to die in a big way, boston style. for instance, you could go old school. fit him in a crate of tea and throw him in the hab-ah. in the hab-ah. we could have david ortiz drown him in a bowl of choud-ah. or the ultimate boston death-- chucked off the green monster by none other than executive producer of the "the fighter," mark mark. that'smarky mark.
that's a wicked glorious death for a wicked human. or the best thing. why don't we just force him to run a marathon and blow him up at the finish line. ( cheers and applause ) sounds good to me. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) ... family of jeweled feline treasures. $100,000 to the lady in the leopard print. sprint told us they'd cut our verizon bill in half. oh yeah. we'd save a bunch of money on our rate plan by switching to sprint. but we don't need to save money, do we mama? oh, no. no we do not baby. ... to the other lady in leopard print. like daddy always says 'money doesn't spend itself'. 1 million oh, look at that. oh! oh wow. look at that muscle baby. it's like a workout. some people are stupid rich. look at my muscle. for the rest of us sprint will cut your verizon
or at&t rate plan in half. just turn in your old phone. or now, for a limited time sign up for the new unlimited plus plan and get a samsung galaxy s6 free. only from sprint. are you still getting heartburn flare-ups? time for a new routine. try nexium® 24hr. the latest choice for frequent heartburn- and get nexium level protection. ♪ hydration... ...where you least expect it. schick hydro. now with shave oils, the hydrating gel works with skin guards to reduce friction, stroke after stroke. our best shave for your skin. schick hydro. free your skin. wendy's new ghost pepper fries just a buck ninety-nine... melty cheese... fresh jalapeños... and ghost pepper sauce. so are they deliciously hot... or hotly delicious? the answer is... yes. the promise of the cloud is that every organization has unlimited access to information, no matter where they are. the microsoft cloud gives our team
the power to instantly deliver critical information to people, whenever they need it. here at accuweather we get up to 10 billion data requests every day. the cloud allows us to scale up so we can handle that volume. we can help keep people safe and to us that feels really good. these half-price cheeseburgers -are the only good thing about tax day. -right. -what are you doing by the way? -i'm organizing my receipts. ok, these are all just sonic receipts.
( cheers and applause ) >> larry: okay, we're back talking about the boston bomber and the death penalty. joining me on the panel tonight, you can see him at caroline's here in new york tomorrow night, comedian dan soder. ( applause ) also, the very funny comedian keith robinson. ( cheers and applause ) and host of "now with alex wagner" and msnbc, alex wagner. ( cheers and applause ) okay let's get to it. i talked about it earlier. i just think there are certain people who just need to die. i don't have a problem. mcveigh eye don't-- mcveigh, bin laden, people who send me racist ( bleep ) on twitter. i have no problem with tsarnaev
getting executed. reaction? >> i do, i do. because that's what he wants to do. he thinks he's going to get 72 virgins. i want to see this dude get like one of those sex change operations. and then he'll become the virgin right in jail. ( laughter ) >> larry: that's his punishment? >> and then you have them come in like cable guys between 8:00 and 12 midnight to have their way with them. >> larry: i think we've lost the idea of punishment keith. >> how long are you thinking of this punishment for? >> larry: go ahead. >> i feel like the truth of one's convictions is sort of the most abhorrent example of them. i'm sorry for the gender-switch, virgin plan. but, you know i'm against the death penalty for all the reasons that you outlined. ( cheers and applause ) i like the audience. for all the reasons you outlined
because it's racially biased because it's unfair, it's flawed and because it's really expensive but also morally because i just don't think we should be putting people to death to show that murder is wrong. ( applause ) and, you know, i think dzhokhar tsarnaev is a bad deeply dark, troubled person but i'm not sure that is resolved in the greater great moral arc of the universe by killing him. >> larry: i disagree with you because i think there are no better moral way to show that kind of thing is heinous than by putting them to death. that is the ultimate punishment, in my mind. like, there are degrees of punishment. if you steal from the store, i don't think you should be put to death. in saudi arabia they cut off your happened that's too much. but killing kids on purpose like that? >> that's exactly it. on paper, i'm against the death penalty, but when you get emotions involved, yeah, especially in this case where you said he wanted to be a martyr and killing would give him that. if he wanted to be a martyr he
would kill himself when blowing up. he did it and backed away knowing he was going to stay alive while injuring other people. >> larry: by the way, i don't have the problem agreeing on that one issue. >> what? >> larry: that he wants to die and i want him to die too. i have no problem agreeing with him on that one issue. all our checkmarks are different. but that one is the same. all right, you and i are good on that one. >> but people think they want that person to die. the family don't want-- they just want to know that this guy is not having a great time in jail. they don't want this guy-- they think they want him to die. but when he dies it's over. you still have the same pain. why not stretch it over time. >> larry: if the family feels good because of it then that is great. right? >> closure is a nice by-product of this. >> larry: fantastic had it happens but nobody really gets closure when a family member is killed. >> right. and i think when you say this
crime is more heinous because of the kids who died than another crime where little girl has been raped and killed or several little girls have been raped and child. >> larry: i'm happy to kill him for that. >> you're not against the death penalty -- >> i'm not against the death penalty in that instance you're correct. >> so we're back to the original argument. >> larry: you can define what constitutes the correct punishment, and i'm happy to make-- >> how do you explain that? >> larry: that's how you come up with laws. you come up with the process of defining it. we have already defined it-- look our government already sponsors us killing peep. we send drones to kill people. >> and don't see anybody marching against that. we send soldiers off and their job is to kill and it's sponsored by the state. >> but are the me ask you-- what should be done with him then? >> i think life in prison is a fairly good sentence, the super max they're talk about-- what they're talking about is putting him in solitary confinement for 23 hours a day.
( applause ) some would say-- >> that's torture. that is torture. >> larry: but he can still jerk off. he can still watch cable. >> that's why my plan works! see, i hadn't thought it through. >> larry: go ahead, dan. >> to confine him for 23 hours a day, then you're torturing a person. how does that make us better without killing him? also, we have a problem, the federal prisons in this country are a business. it's a business. the taxpayers have to pay for. ( applause ) so why not just eliminate him and kill him and be done with him. >> larry: i don't believe in indiscriminate killing. alex, i agree with the things you're saying about the prison system, but i don't think it doesn't mean we can't fix what's wrong with capital punishment and avoid those things. for instance air crime where
there's unmistakable evidence-- let's use tsarnaev. he unmistakably did it why can't we shoot him-- why can't he be killed specifically? there is no chance he didn't do it. there's every chance he did do it, right? >> sure, but in all death penalty cases you want to be sure that the guy did it. >> larry: we are sure he did it. >> again, if you are arguing this in the abstract -- >> no, i'm not. i'm arguing this in the specifics. >> okay go ahead. >> larry: i want to know what is your solution-- >> are you for it now? >> am i -- >> you sounded like you were against it before. >> no i'm for giving this guy besides a sex change -- >> the sex change which i still have not figured out. >> that just seems way more expensive than any other option. gli agree with that. >> the hormone therapy -- >> you're really in for a world of financial hurt if you start doing that. >> we should end it. give somebody a gun goutside, and this guy is gone.
this guy is a cold-blood murderer. just like the shooter in aurora the shooter in tucson these guyses are clearly evil men. >> larry: how about about of we put him on the island, last survivor, okay, you get to spend your life in prison. everybody else, sorpry. >> i love it. >> without a doubt very creative solution. how about we just-- we can agree that they're creative solutions. i don't know that -- >> come on. give me some of this. that's what i'm talking about. we'll be right back! ( cheers and applause ) wendy's new ghost pepper fries just a buck ninety-nine... melty cheese... fresh jalapeños... and ghost pepper sauce. so are they deliciously hot... or hotly delicious? the answer is... yes.
all these networks keep making different claims. it gets confusing. fastest, the strongest the most in-your-face-est. it sounds like some weird multiple choice test. yea, but do i pick a, b, or c. for me it's all of the above. i pick, like the best of everything. verizon. i didn't. i picked a. maybe c. and how'd that work out for you? not so well. can i get a do-over? why settle for less when you can have, well, everything. and get 2 lines for $100. verizon. if your purse is starting to look more like a tissue box... you may be muddling through allergies. try zyrtec® for powerful allergy relief. and zyrtec® is different than claritin®.
because it starts working faster on the first day you take it. zyrtec®. muddle no more™ . do you regularly wear underwear? do you wear underwear? (laugh) yeah yes (laugh) i never wear underwear. is that too much information? yes now, do you think you can get too much information from your car? no this is an email from my car. there are 100s of diagnostics that the vehicle gathers and sends to me. does anyone want to meet the sender of this email? this is a 2015 chevy malibu. i love it.
( cheers and applause ) >> larry: hey! welcome back! so now we're going to play a little game-- and by the way, alex wagner had the run so we have the lovely linda picatti from our studio audience joining us. ( cheers and applause ) it's eye whole new thing we thought we'd try. just pick someone out of the audience and join in the conversation. it can happen any night. if you come to the show, expect to be part of the conversation. i can't wait. and linda asked me a great question about my career so that's how she got up here. another so this game is called "cool and unusual." very good. here's the deal-- you've all been sentenced to death, okay-- sorry about that. so now you're each going to tell me one, your last meal meal.
two, what was your crime and why you did it? linda don't you lie to me. ( laughter ) and then you'll pick your manner of execution by reaching into the "cool and unusual" requested bag. this is our "bag of death." see that? you know, for a fun and flirty death sentence that we came up with. all right. dan, gufirst. what was-- what was your last meal? >> i think my last meal is going to be chicken and rice from the halal cart on 54th and 6th. >> larry: nice. >> if i'm going, i'm going to make everyone suffer when i'm gone. ( laughter ). >> larry: okay, what was your crime? what did you do? >> you know, i quit smoking two years ago. i was a little a-- i've been on edge ever since and i was walking to the subway and smofns their phone on the stairway down and i gave them a nice 300 kick in the back. i got the death penalty. >> larry: wow. oh my god.
( applause ). >> i'm like the bernie goetz of subway stars. >> larry: exactly, exactly. all right, go to the "bag of death." >> i'm a hypochondriac. i always wanted to know. >> larry: let's see what he gets? >> i got... ninja assassin. >> larry: nice not bad. >> that's a very honorable way to die. >> larry: you'll die by the death of a thousand stars. >> sounds good to me. >> larry: for an execution what do we think? ( cheers and applause ) that's kind of fun. >> you don't like it, do you keith? >> but if you change the sex-- no! ( laughter ). >> larry: all right, lipidda, what's your last meal? what do you think? >> my last meal would have to be popeye's spicy. ( applause ) >> larry: i like that. i like that you went for the spicy for your last meal because you're like indgestion who cares? i'm out of here. what was your crime? >> well i'm a very low-tech person. and one of the things i hate is
being in crowds, family, friends-- whatever-- and everyone's connected to their phone. no one's, you know-- >> we're like bonnie & clyde. >> larry: i know. >> no one is talking to each other. everyone is connected to their phone. and you know that expression to blow up the phone. but i did. >> larry: oh, my god! she blew up her contact list. man! go ahead and reach in and see what you got. reach into the "bag of death." >> oh! licked to death by puppies. >> oh licked to death by buppies. that's not so bad. at least it's not cats. because that's-- yeah. all right, keith, what's your last meal? >> my last meal is a marathon bar. >> larry: like a chocolate bar? >> it's a big, giant bar because i want to waste some time. >> larry: okay.
you want to get a nice sugar rush before you go out. some chocolate so you can keep it real on the way out. >> absolutely. maybe go on to diabetes first. >> larry: and what was your crime? and keep in mind tcan't be an actual crime you've committed keith. >> oh! black on black. >> larry: that was my crime by the way. my crime was black-on-black crime. what was your crime? >> you want me to make up one? >> larry: you just said it. what was your crime? >> my crime was-- it was-- >> larry: see, it's hard to separate the two isn't it? >> i am compelled to keep it 100. >> larry: let's do this. let's use our imaginations and pick your punishment. >> let me pick your punishment. >> larry: i think we can imagine what keith might have done, based on his-- >> all right, wait a minute, where am i? oh okay. torn apart limb from limb by a
wild bore who kind of reminds you of a kumba from "the lion king." >> larry: that fits the crime as far as i'm concerned. we'll be right back with more. fact. when you take advil you get relief right at the site of pain. wherever it is. advil stops pain right where it starts. relief doesn't get any better than this.
advil. ... family of jeweled feline treasures. $100,000 to the lady in the leopard print. sprint told us they'd cut our verizon bill in half. oh yeah. we'd save a bunch of money on our rate plan by switching to sprint. but we don't need to save money, do we mama? oh, no. no we do not baby. ... to the other lady in leopard print. like daddy always says 'money doesn't spend itself'. 1 million oh, look at that. oh! oh wow. look at that muscle baby. it's like a workout. some people are stupid rich. look at my muscle. for the rest of us sprint will cut your verizon or at&t rate plan in half. just turn in your old phone. or now, for a limited time sign up for the new unlimited plus plan and get a samsung galaxy s6 free. only from sprint. this is smith & forge hard cider. it's like buford here. strong. sturdy... but not too sweet. buford! built from apples. built to refresh. smith & forge hard cider. now on draft.
wagner, and thanks to our audience member linda picrarks tti. finally tonight, as those who follow us on twitter know one writer on my staff live-tweets the show each night. tonight that writer is holly walker. so follow @nightlyshow on twitter and join the live tweet, and if facebook is more your thing, like "the nightly show" to keep track of everything we're doing online. linda. >> good nightly everyone. ♪ ♪ ♪ ( applause ) it is 11:59 and 59 seconds this happened on worldstarhiphop today. a word of warning to more sensitive viewers. we are about to show you a fight so brutal, so