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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  August 15, 2014 9:47am-10:19am PDT

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loaded. folks, speaking of which, you know i'm a proud supporter of the second amendment. i consider it first among amendments that aren't the first one. ( laughter ) these days we gun advocates are being treated like common crim nalz. >> a 54-year-old research doctor arrested after he entered an airport terminal carrying an assault rifle. dr. peter steinmetz was carrying an ar-15 over his shoulder when he was taken into custody last week. he told police he visited the airport to simply buy a cup of coffee. ( laughter ) >> stephen, of course. you gotta go to the airport for coffee. airports are to coffee as bus stations are to nachos. ( laughter ) and, yes, steinmetz may have pointed an ar-15 assault rifle in the direction of a mother and her teenaged daughter, so obviously we're not looking at a brain surgeon here. he's technically a top neuroscientist. perhaps he's studying the part
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of the brain that overrides impulse control. the point is, arrests like this are pure discrimination, and that hurts the children. fortunately, two gun lovers have written a new children's book to help kids understand the open carry lifestyle. it's called "my parents carry." ( laughter ) it tells the heartwarming story of brenna, her mom, and what looks like her other mom wearing a mustache. ( laughter ) unlike other parents, brenna's mom and dad carry loaded weapons openly, which might make her feel different, but her father reassures her that, "brenna, there is evil in this world and we want to protect you the best we can. when seconds count, the police are minutes away." what a beautiful bedtime story. the world is full of maniacs who want to hurt you and the police can't help. good night, honey. ( laughter ) ( applause ) let me just open the window here so you can get a breeze, turn off the lights.
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good-bye. ( laughter ) folks, i know the kids are just going to spend hours reading this book because it's full of thousands and thousands of words. for instance, mom and dad's morning ritual. they retrieve their handguns from the locked gun safe and check them to make sure they were loaded. bren's parent were dressed casually. her dad wore a white polo shirt, tan pants. her mom wore white cargo shorts and a nice shirt and her well-worn brown loafers. that might seem like a lot of specifics for a children's book but remember a detailed description is important for the police report. ( laughter ) folks, "my parents open carry" is long overdue. i wish there were more firearms in children's books. i mean look at that "the very hungry catepillar." someone is clearly out to get this guy. the entire book is riddled with bullet holes. ( laughter ) ( applause ) or how about "good-bye forever,
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moon." that teach you to look through a kid's window you perv. or west of all, "where the wild things are." and, folks, folks, the 2016 presidential election is almost upon us and i for one captain wait to see who the american people elect next for john boehner to sue. of course, former first lady, former senator, and former secretary of state hillary clinton is the current front-runner, which is surprising since it sounds like she can't hold down a job. ( laughter ) now, secretary clinton says she hasn't made up her mind about whether she's running yet, but me thinks she doth not make up her mind yet too much. let's just look at the facts. one, she's on a national book tour pushing her memoir "hard choices." two, she's extremely qualified. three, let's forget about number two and just focus on the book thing.
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which, by the way, for the record i don't get. sure, it's been on the "new york times" bestseller list for seven weeks and has sold more than 500,000 copies worldwide but i recently picked up the audio book. i like to listen to it when i'm on the treadmill at the gym rager-sizing. here's the colbert review. here's my review. this book is 656 pages of shameless name dropping. jim? >> tanzanian prime minister mizengo pinda and i do some planting at a women's cooperative. >> stephen: did you catch that, tmz. she just happened to be hanging out with mizengo. not impressed. so she's tight with the prime minister of tanzania. i happen to be e-mail pen pals with the prince of nijaesh, okay? that reminds me i should really-- i should write that guy
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back. shiwrite that guy. ( applause ) gotta write him. he owes me a ton of money. and there's more. >> the first time i met the burmese nobel peace prize winner aung san suu kyi in 2011, we were both wearing white. >> stephen: really? wearing white after labor day? obviously, her nobel prize wasn't in fashion. again, jim. >> german chancellor angela merkel has a great sense of humor. >> stephen: you heard it, folks. hillary clinton thinks german chancellors are a laugh riot. heil hilarity. >> here, bono sits with me at the piano. >> stephen: big deal! bono sits with everybody at the piapo. call me when you're sitting with david bowie at a didgeridoo. i just don't buy any of this. there is no way on earth one woman in so many places at once. ( cheers and applause )
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( cheers and applause ) >> hillary! hillary! hillary! hillary! hillary! >> stephen: don't you dare! don't you dare! you were checkin chanting my nar minutes ago, 200-timers. ( cheers and applause ). hillary clinton. >> now who's a name dropper, stephen? >> stephen: oh, really? name dropper?
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that's not what my good friend tom hanks calls me. when we're hanging out at george clooney's place. >> oh, i love george. i wish he could have joined us when i had lunch with meryl streep and ecuadorian president hamirafael correa. >> oh, rafi. he is such a cut-up, especially when we go camping with oprah. ( laughter ). >> oh,. >> does that surprise you? >> no, "o" is just what all her real friend call oprah. q. i know paul mccartney.>> i nd karzai. >> stephen: i shared an office with steve carell. ( laughter ). >> i held high-level talks with chinese state counselor "dye bing gwo." >> stephen: well, now you're just making words up. i will have you know, madam, i once did an entire show with president bill clinton.
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>> oh! ( applause ) i hate to break this to you, stephen, but i've met him, too. >> stephen: gosh, you know everyone! what kind of loser do you have to be to not be included in your book? >> well, you're not in it, stephen? >> stephen: oh, aren't i? you ever notice how president of turkmenistan gurbanguly berd-muha-meadow are never in the same room at the same time. >> no! >> stephen: oh, yes. >> stephen: and, madam, it is not just your name dropping i call into question. i question cur title. it's called "hard choices." but there aren't any real hard choices in here. >> what about negotiating fragile alliances and treaty. >> stephen: oh, i'm talking about real hard choices-- eternal questions like which would you rather fight one horse-sized duck or 100
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duck-sized horses? ( cheers and applause ). >> well -- >> stephen: boom! >> now, i admit that is a valid question. here's what i'd do. first, i'd try to find common ground between ducks and horses. for instance, they both grew up on old mcdonald's farm. then, i'd establish a timetable to achieve meaningful horse-duck dialogue. ( laughter ) and, stephen, i'm convinced-- with patience and a strong commitment from our allies, the pigs and the geese, we'd have peace-peace here, peace-peace, there, here a peace, there a peace, everywhere a peace. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: ei-e-i-oh, you're
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good! >> and now, stephen, i've got a hard choice for you. >> stephen: bring it, h.r.c. >> oh, it will be brought. your choice. promote my book or i won't appear on your show. >> stephen: but you have already appeared on my show. ( laughter ). >> stephen: no! no! >>y learned that from george lucas. ( laughter ). >> stephen: i met him. he's a friend. well, no one will know i got hillary clinton on my show. fine! fine! buy "hard choices," available in bookstores everywhere there are still bookstores. on or our web site down here, okay? >> okay. >> stephen: oh, thank you. >> thank you, stephen. was that such a hard choice to make? ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: yes, it was.
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hillary clinton, everybody. "hard choices." madam secretary, thank you so much. >> thank you! >> stephen: hillary clinton, everybody. ( cheers and applause ). for a limited time we have the new baja moons over my hammy with avocado and sun dried tomato mayo. it's just like the classic, but remixed. oh, in that case, i'll take it. what's a remix? oh, grandpa! [bell rings] waitress: welcome to denny's! drivers want to go further with their electrical vehicles. but you can't take a trip from lisbon to stockholm if you can't re-charge along the way. the green emotion project, funded by the european commission is using the ibm cloud to make this possible by creating a single charging and billing network across 28 countries. so drivers can travel as far as they want to go. take your business further with the ibm cloud. the ibm cloud is the cloud for business. it takes place in anhaha, cleveland...
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excuse me. can you tell me where ah no problem roller skates. so you are going to want to palm tree the fish until the second seahorse on your tea pot, then you should be light bulbs. let your random side out with new wonka randoms. stuart! stuart! stuart! stuart! ♪ check it out. this my account thing. we can tweet directly toa comcast expert for help. or we can select a time for them to call us back. the future, right? ♪
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this doesn't do it for you? [ doorbell rings, dog barks ] oh, that's what blows your mind -- the advanced technology of a doorbell.. [ male announcer ] tweet an expert and schedule a callback from any device. introducing the xfinity my account app. >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thanks so much. folks, you know-- folks, some have said that the universal language is music. others say that it's love.
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yet, i've always had trouble communicating have a saxophone dry humping. the real universal language is english. it's a verbal skeleton key you can use to talk with anyone on earth, except your dry cleaner. donde esta my pants, abilio! so it's no wonder the world is desperate to learn english, which has opened the door for the brazilian language training company c.n.a. to exploit a dangerous new source of english expertise. >> we created a tool that connects our students with students in the u.s u.s.a. retug home. >> hello? hello, hello. can you hear me? >> yes, i can, can you hear me. >> this is my prght. he has 23 years. >> do you know instead of saying, "he has 23 years, "you could say, "he is 23 years old."
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>> stephen: nation, this is the most terrifying thing i have ever seen. and i have 50 years. ( laughter ) now, that young brazilians are learning english from our senior citizens, it won't be long until they have fluid discussions about sherbet, early bird specials. and brazilian teens are taking more than just language from our illegal immi-gramps. >> that's me and my wife when we were young. >> oh, you were good looking. >> good morning, dear julia. good morning to you. >> if you were here, i would give you a big hug. >> oh, yeah, a hug. >> you are my new granddaughter, and i love you. >> i love you, too. >> stephen: they're stealing our love! i love you, too. no! nation, these caring human relationships are an abomination. in america you're not supposed to communicate with the elderly.
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you're supposed to store your feelings up all year until christmas when you thereto it out with one emotionally charged, "thank you for the sweater." worse, these a.f.c.o anchor olde arming the lords with the wisdom of the greatest gen raingzs. we can't let these kids learn the secrets of life from the people who beat hitler. how will we beat hitler next time? remember, this is brazil. he might still live there. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) it can take the cold. and the heat. trust me. this battery can beat up your battery. duralast. proven tough.
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america's back to school techfitter. the ca♪illac summer collection is here. ♪ during the cadillac summer's best event, lease this 2014 ats for around $299 a month and make this the summer of style. >> stephen: welcome back. my guest tonight is the director of ""titanic." finally, someone went looking for that necklace. please welcome james cameron. ( cheers and applause ) hey, james. thanks so much for coming back. good to see you. >> thank you. >> stephen: i'm sewer excited about your new movie, and the
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adventure that you went on. america's number one again, right? you put america back in the driver's seat of exploration. >> damn right the sub was built in australia. >> stephen: okay. thank you for coming. thank you so much. >> we built part of it here. >> stephen: your new movie is called "deep sea challenger 3d." tell the good people what you did, when your dream was and how you achieved it. >> i imagined going to the deepest spot on the planet. i got a great team around me, we built a sub,un, the sub -- >> stephen: this is-- this is what you went in. >> this is the sub. and i would go in the hatch -- >> stephen: let's turn that bad boy around. you're the captain. all right how big is this thing in reality? how big in reality are we talking about? >> 24 feet. >> stephen: and that doesn't make that very big down there. >> no, probably smaller than the size of this table is the sphere i was in. >> stephen: how tall are you? >> 6'2".
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>> stephen: all right, you built it. why didn't you make yourself a more luxurious cabin. did you get in and say oh, ( bleep ). we built it in centimeters. i meant inches. >> well, you know, budget. >> stephen: okay. >> budget. so we tried to make it small enough that we could get it on to a ship and off a ship. >> stephen: really, budget? if only you had a more successful career. >> yes. ( laughter ) >> stephen: i'm so sorry. why is this your dream? you've done-- you've done all these fan fantastic movies. the "titanic," but why-- why put yourself in this kind of danger to go to the deepest point in the ocean? why ynot just tape a go-pro to a bag of rocks and drop it off? why do you have to go? >> i told-- i told the crew-- i threw a crescent wrench overboard and said that just went to the deepest spot in the ocean. getting down there is easy.
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and getting back is hard. that's why we had to go through all the tech development. why did i want t to go? curiosity. i wanted to see it with my own eyes. i wanted to see a place no one had seen before. >> stephen: it looks like a cock eyed submarine. it looks like a submarine pointed down. >> we called it the vertical torpedo. i said guys we're going to build a vertical torpedo and drive it straight down as a matter of fact we can. >> stephen: that was my stripper name. ( laughter ) ( applause ) okay, let's look-- let's look at a little clip of you in the vertical torpedo. >> release. release. release. >> i think my heart rate's up a little bit at the moment that i
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tell them to release the sub. i start to drop. but right away, there's so many things to do-- establishing communications and all that. >> surface. deep sea challenger, do you copy? over. >> deep sea challenger, how do you copy, over? >> copy you john, loud and clear. >> it's like i'm talking to my grandma. >> do you want a biscuit? ( laughter ). >> stephen: how long-- how long did the trip take? ( applause ) how long-- how long did it take you to go all the way down? >> two and a half hours to get down, an hour and a half to get back up, and there were three hours on the bottom. i had hoped for more, like 5. >> stephen: i don't do math. how much is the total amount? >> seven and a half hours. >> stephen: seven and a half hours. what were the facilities like? you didn't have room for a back
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bathroom, did you? >> not at all, have you ever been on a car trip and you tell your parents you have to go to the bathroom and they turn and hand you a bottle. >> stephen: really? how much did this cost to make? >> a lot. >> stephen: millions of dollars. >> millions. >> stephen: when it came to go to the bathroom-- you were basically, you were basically an undersea trucker. >> yes. >> stephen: as you said, easy to get down, hard to get up. once you're down there at 36,000 feet, which is-- i think you say in here it's deeper than everest is high. >> plus four empire state buildings on top of that. >> stephen: okay, how do you get back up? >> you just crop these weights that are on the side. i throw one switch. the weights come off and i come up like a rocket, seven knots. >> stephen: how does it feel to be the first man to ever litter the ocean? did you feel like armstrong throwing a coke bottle on the
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moon? >> exactly. you're the first person that's asked that question. >> stephen: okay, okay. let me ask one other question-- ( cheers and applause ) you've done all this exploration. you've done all this exploration. obviously, you need this exploration. you spent this time, you spent this money. when are you going to take the time to do the explorations in here? >> i'll work on that. >> stephen: james cameron, thank you for joining us. james cameron "deep sea challenge 3d." we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) excuse me. can you tell me where ah no problem roller skates. so you are going to want to palm tree the fish until the second seahorse on your tea pot, then you should be light bulbs. let your random side out with new wonka randoms.
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can i pet your cloud please? sure! [ rumbling ] woah! aah! he doesn't like to be touched there. mmm! [ male announcer ] pet the rainbow! taste the rainbow.
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comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: that's the report, everybody. good night!
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♪ i'm going down to south park, gonna have myself a time ♪ ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ ♪ going down to south park, gonna leave my woes behind ♪ ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ people spouting, "howdy, neighbor" ♪ ♪ heading on up to south park, gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ ♪ mrph rmhmhm rm! mrph rmhmhm rm! ♪ ♪ come on down to south park and meet some friends of mine ♪ and so, these ancient arrowheads are buried deep down in the earth's crust. we dig 'em up, polish 'em off, and find over 12 new arrowheads every month. [ singsong voice ] boring! [ laughter ] eric, keep quiet! i'm trying to sleep! now, can anybody tell me who left these arrowheads here? isn't that your job? well, yes, but i want to see if you're learning anything. oh.


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