tv The Colbert Report Comedy Central December 13, 2013 9:35am-10:11am PST
next week at 11:00. here it is your moment zen. ♪ captioning sponsored by comedy central (cheers and applause) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the "report,"! thank you for joining us, ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much! come on! (audience chanting "stephen"). >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
i need that kind of praise! (cheers and applause) folks, i have to tell you, i need that kind of praise because i am furious! and no amount of your applause will change my mood. so don't even try it again. (cheers and applause) you know what? you know what? sorry. no, no. actually, actually -- i was wrong, that worked. (laughter) you know what, jim? you better make me mad again. >> congressional leaders have agreed to a new budget deal. the pact is supposed to eliminate the continuous cycle of standoff and government shutdown threats. they're calling it the bipartisan budget act of 2013. >> they actually passed a budget. i mean, the fact that we have to applaud that is unbelievable. but it's a good thing. they're actually doing their job. >> stephen: wrong! it is not a good thing and they are not doing their job. americans sent republicans to washington to accomplish one thing: zero things. (laughter)
but with this bipartisan budget we'll have no chance of another government shutdown for two whole years! you fools! we can't leave our national parks open that long! it will give the wolves time to unionize! (cheers and applause) what i don't get here is that there were plenty of good conservative budget plans out there! >> the penny plan is you drop a penny out of every dollar washington spends every year for five years. one penny in every dollar for five straight years. everybody. across the board. this is the budget, live with it. now that's -- implies discipline. >> stephen: yes, the penny plan implies discipline. just as stu varney's accent implies intelligence. (laughter) in fact, i tell you what, folks. i've gotten a even better penny plan for you.
you just fill a jar with pennies and which ever government agency can guess how many there are wins the jar, which is now their budget. (laughter). (cheers and applause) eight. and what really hurts is who stabbed us in the fiscal back. republican congressman and reagan tribute scalp paul ryan. just listen to the lame way he defends himself from real conservatives. >> marco rubio said this, though, last night. "your deal is going to make it harder for americans to achieve the american dream." what will you say to marco? >> read the deal and get back to me. >> stephen: "read the deal and get back to me"? the gall. listen, buddy, i don't have to read a bipartisan budget to know
i despise it any more than i need to read "harold and the purple crayon" to know that it ends with harold coming out as a lesbian. (laughter) okay? it's all about boundless imagination, also known as scissoring. (audience reacts) so if you excuse me, there's something i have to do. okay? i can't believe i -- i can't believe i -- (laughter). i can't believe i hung this poster on the ceiling of my dream closet. i guess it's time for a new 2016 fantasy candidate. oh, ted cruz. (laughter) oh, ted cruz, you'll never betray me. oh, ted, have you been working out? nation, growing up, folks, when i got a cold there was nothing more comforting than a big bowl of my grandma's chicken soup. she put a ton of morphine in it.
(laughter) this is cheating death with dr. stephen t. colbert d.f.a. (cheers and applause) yes, sir, yes, sir. (cheers and applause) as always, folks, "cheating death" is brought to you by prescott pharmaceuticals. prescott. you can chemically depend on us. (laughter) first up, sleep health. folks, a good night's sleep is the best way to naturally restore you which is why it takes powerful chemicals to make it happen. chemicals like ambien. but earlier this year we got news that was a real eye opener-- unless you're on ambien. >> now a warning for people who take ambien. a government report out this morning reveals dangerous side effects like hallucinations, behavioral changes, things like agitation, sleep driving, sleep walking, sleep eating where you're in this sort of half state of sleep but you're also awake and functioning.
>> stephen: hey, that's just what i call multitasking. (laughter) you can get a good night's sleep while still driving to work eating a whole box of brownie mix. (laughter) but for patients out there who prefer waking up not wandering through the next county, there's a new alternative. it's called suvorexant, merck's sleep drug currently seeking approval from the f.d.a. which is inspired by research on narcoleptic dogs, which is is important work because nothing hurts your self-esteem like a dog falling asleep in the middle of humping your leg. (laughter) but, folks, suvorexant is effective without ambien's troubling side effects because it has exciting new side effects. one patient had a feeling as if shocked, then felt paralyzed and heard vivid sounds of people coming up the stairs with a sense of violent intent and another had a feeling of shadows falling over his body hunted by enemies hearing extremely loud
screams. (laughter) now, of course, the easiest thing to do would be just label the bottle "warning, may cause sudden on set kafka." (cheers and applause) but instead, the f.d.a. told merck to drop the suggested dosage dramatically from 80 milligrams to 10 milligrams. unfortunately, at that level patients recorded it had no advantage over a placebo. well, the folks at prescott believe the government should not be putting a bureaucrat between you and your inescapable nightmares. that's why we are proud to introduce vaxa-nuff. a three-pound brick of pure sleep aid. you choose your own dose by grating off as much as -- as doctor you prescribes. (laughter) when you feel yourself drifting gently off to sleep, you've had enough. when you feel like someone else's hand is doing the grating and you're no longer yourself because you are the brick of vaxa-nuff being grateed into the
mouth of a stranger that was once you and the universe folds in on itself and transforms into a swarm of baby-faced vampire bats, you've had way too much. (laughter and applause) so at which point you'll want to take a little more. because you're going to want to sleep for whatever you do next. side effects of vaxa-nuff may include sleep waltzing, night terriers and nocturnal munitions. (laughter) next up, folks, cosmetic surgery. >> uh-huh! (laughter) >> >> stephen: folks, i'm a big fan of cosmetic surgery. of course, i don't need it myself because i have all of that taken care of for me by the painting in my attic. (laughter) still, i was excited to hear a new way to improve a part of the body i didn't know was hideous. >> it's an eye opening procedure being done here in new york for the first time. a woman is getting a piece of platinum jewelry placed in her
eye. dr. emile chin begins the process with an injection of lidocaine to number t area. (audience reacts) >> now i'm going to put in the speculum to keep your eyes open. >> then dr. chin makes a small incision where the jewelry will eventually be placed. >> stephen: now, the procedure may sound painful but remember before they slice your eye and insert a piece of metal they numb it by jamming in a needle. (laughter) now, this patient opted for a little heart. you can see it right next to where her eye didn't used to be bleeding. (laughter) but there is no need to worry about the safety of the procedure. >> dr. chin says he believes it's actually pretty safe. >> stephen: see? it's pretty safe! (laughter) there are some risks with any surgery, but what's the alternative-- not having metal in your eye? of course, surprise, surprise, the procedure has not been f.d.a. approved. well, you don't have to throw around the phrase "not f.d.a.
approved" very long before the folks at prescott take notice. forget costly procedures to put jewelry in your eye. at prescott we believe true beauty lies on the inside. that's why we're proud to introduce vacsa-bling, jewelry for your internal organs. it's simply combining an anatomy textbook with a zales catalog. just open each to a random page and we'll put the thing in the other thing. (laughter) so this christmas, treat yourself to diamond pendant earrings in your testicles. (applause) (cheers and applause) side effects of vacsa-bling include creamed corneas, double vision, and idris elbow. well, that's it for cheating death brought to you by prescott
i'm talking about the one or two black people out there who are always bringing up race! it's not like white people have it easy! do you have any idea what it's like to walk past police officers and neither be stopped nor frisked? (laughter) it makes me feel like i'm some sort of invisible man. i should write a book about that. (laughter) and some black people even refuse to dream of a white christmas! such as slate writer aisha harris, seen here getting her groove back. she believes santa claus should not be a white man anymore and isn't it time our image of santa better serve all the children he delights each christmas? all the children, aisha? even those on santa's naughty list? what's next? those on santa's jewish list? oh, oh, he has one. he borrowed it from nixon. (laughter) now, fortunately fox news elf megyn kelly was there to put things in black and white-- but
mostly white. >> santa claus should not be a white man anymore. yet another person claiming it's racist to have a white santa. you know, and, by the way for all you kids watching at home, santa just is white. (audience reacts) $yes. thank you. thank you. for all those kids watching fox news at 9:40 at night, stan is white. (laughter) and santa can't just change colors! it's not like he's magic or anything! besides, a black santa is a terrible idea. if a home owner in florida sees a black man coming down their chimney he is going to get shot! (laughter) officer, i was just defending my milk and cookies! and megyn kelly is right! the races of all of our favorite mystical holiday figures have long been determined. santa-- white. easter bunny-- white. tooth fairy-- latina. they need the baby teeth.
it's -- it's what they put in the maracas. (laughter) don't open these. it's like a horror show in there. (laughter) plus, it makes sense that santa is a white guy. after all, his job is to bring us presents on jesus' birthday and everyone knows jesus' color. >> jesus was a white man, too, but, you know, it's like -- we have -- he's a historical figure, that's a verifiable fact. as is santa. >> stephen: yes, thank you jesus was a white guy. and jesus' whiteness is a verifiable fact. just look at any photo of jesus. he was just your average air may i can speaking first century eastern white guy. (laughter) the only evidence -- air make. (cheers and applause) the only evidence i need the sacred dockers of turin.
(laughter) besides, back people have their own holiday, it's martin luther king day. by the way, for any kids watching at 11:30 at night, martin luther king is black and he is real. (laughter) don't listen to your older siblings. everybody knows that if you're good once a year he comes in while you're sleeping and sprinkles you with dreams. (laughter) then he goes back to his mountain top castle on his flying table of brotherhood saying "merry m.l.k. day to all and to all good deals on mattresses!" we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) (!-x®,xi&l.t@
hey, george, good to see you again. thanks for coming back. it's been one or six years since you were last here. good to see you. >> good to see you again, too. >> stephen: you're a "new yorker" staff writer. you're the author of "the assassin's gate" which was about america in iraq. now you've got a new book. "the unwinding: an inner history of the new america." okay, i'll bite. how are we unwinding? what is unwinding america other than, let's say, gay marriage, legalized pot, and socialized medicine? (laughter) should i have said spoiler alert? did i just give away the book? >> those are not the big themes of the book. the book is about how over the last generation the institutions that used to support the broad majority of americans like government, like news media, like corporations, like schools have stopped working on behalf of the majority. >> stephen: corporations are doing fine, my friend. >> they are doing well. but most of america is not. so we've become more and more a country divided between winners
and losers. let me just say, this is not an argument book. it's not a policy book. there are lots of good books about this subject. >> stephen: so you're not arguing with the book? >> i am not. (laughter). >> stephen: so if we were to have an argument, i've already won? >> doesn't that always happen? (laughter). (cheers and applause) >> stephen: certainly once we're done editing. (laughter) so it's describing the state of america. >> well, instead of making an argument that you agree or disagree with but quickly forget it goes through the lives of half a dozen americans and follows them over the course of the last 30 or 35 years, the huge changes in the economy and the way they've reacted. >> stephen: what's the biggest change? my understanding how the economy works-- you can correct me if i'm wrong-- is that you work hard, you play fair and you're rewarded. that's the american dream. you know? and -- play by the rules, you get a house to live in. (laughter). >> stephen: and the biggest change is that no longer works and there's lots of people in
this book who work hard, basically play by the rules-- they make mistakes, they're human-- but they end up with very little or nothing. and they're struggling or even drowning and there's no structures to support their aspirations. they're on their own. stpwhaoup are these structures that we used to have? >> a decent public school system. >> stephen: well, public schools rely on my taxes. (laughter) i'm the guy paying for public schools, many i kids go private, i can't be paying for that. that's not my problem. what else? (laughter) again, we're not having an argument. we're not having an argument. >> you mentioned corporations. it used to be the corporations had other interests besides share price but when they became the only goal of c.e.o.s, share price and their own salaries and bonuses they stopped thinking about their workers as having a key role and having certain rights and it being necessary. i mean, in some ways corporations -- >> stephen: sounds like you're going pope francis on me right now. (laughter) >> that's pretty good. i bet he's actually a very powerful voice for this. obama quoted him in a speech he
gave on inequality about a week ago. it's nice to have some leader talking about this. we can't find too many in washington so we have to look to the vatican. >> stephen: obama called the pope soulful. (laughter) which i found offensive. i don't want my pope described like barry white. (laughter) are you saying that i'm -- guys like me who believe in our corporate hegemony now who believe in smaller government and less social services that we're the problem for people like that? >> stephen, that is very nice set but you did not build it. (laughter). >> stephen: go on, elizabeth warren. >> she's in the book. >> stephen: oh, i bet she is. oh, i bet she is. i bet there's a foldout of her. (laughter) >> you know, there are ten well-known americans profiled in the book as well as these five or six penal you don't know and i -- i admire her because she has the guts to tell bankers what they don't want to hear and
there's very few people in public life who do. look, we have -- >> stephen: so what dobackers not want to hear that they should hear? i'm having a christmas party tonight, i'll tell them. >> that we have an economy that doesn't work very well because people who work at wal-mart can't -- can barely afford to shop at wal-mart which is why black friday was a bust this year. >> stephen: they don't need to because wal-mart encourages workers to give each other old canned food. >> exactly. >> stephen: and as long as they're trading each other del monte peas we're good. (laughter) >> that's the argument that i'm not making. >> stephen: i'm glad you didn't because i could knock that down in a minute. i'm glad you didn't make it. >> there are six surviving wal-mart heirs that have more wealth than the bottom 42% of americans. now, that's such a gap of inequality that the economy no longer works and people are cynical and think the game is rigged. we don't expect equal results, but when the gap is so wide, equal opportunity itself seems like a sham.
>> stephen: there is equal opportunity. whether it's like one of the heirs of wal-mart or, you know, some guy working a minimum wage job, they have the exact same chance to win the pick 4 of the powerball. (laughter) or the scratchoff. there's so many opportunities that they've shared an equal chance of. you will admit that. >> and it is more and more of a lottery. because know who longer have the upward mobility that's always been our claim to being in egalitarian society. europe is a more socially mobile place than the united states now. >> stephen: you shut your mouth right now. (laughter) sir, have you never heard the eternal truth that america's greatest days are ahead of it? >> we like to think that. >> stephen: oh, it's -- it's true! that's why we like it. and america's greatest days are also behind it. it's right now! >> that's the problem. >> stephen: and always has been! (laughter) george packer, thank you so much. george packer, the unwinding. we'll be right bac bac
(cheers and applause). >> stephen: that's it for "the report," everybody. good night. - go back to the top. one more time, guys. - everyone, i need your attention...gather up. i said everyone, sketch-tron 6000. mr. hank hooper, the owner of our new parent company, kabletown, is touring 30 rock for the first time today. i will make a good first impression, so i need all of you to be your most normal. tracy, do not mention where you think dinosaurs come from. - do not mention the underwater city of sauronicon-- got it. - jenna, get all of your crazy yelling out of your system. - if you don't volumize my hair, i will choke you to death with your boyfriend's wig! - very good. frank, how is your armpit thing? - not great. it's almost touching my thigh thing. - okay, let's do our best.
remember, everyone, just don't be yourselves. lemon, meet me in my office in ten. i need to ask you something. - oh, do you need sex advice? here's a tip. sometimes a lady likes to leave her blazer on. - sir, ma'am, this is for you--a gift bag. "to my two favorite sketch stars. your new friend, hank hooper." - that's nice. actors deserve gifts. without us, who would present awards to actors? - so...which one of us is going to get this computer? just kidding. we both are! - wow, i always wanted one of these. the box would make a perfect coffin for my teddy bear. - there's two of everything! look at us. when we met four years ago, we were fighting about the silliest things-- dressing rooms, air time, you coming in and ruining my show... - you taking my nephew's virginity. - i feel we've finally found a balance in our relationship.
there's only one. - you take it. i don't care. i want you to selfishly take the best sweatshirt in the world. - lemon, this is a little delicate, but i wonder if you might take avery shopping for baby things. - oh, sure. - you know, a crib, small clothes, a tiny desk with a miniature pen set on it. i don't know a lot about babies, but i know that avery would enjoy having another woman go with her. - of course. i'm just a little surprised. i assumed avery would have a terrifying best friend she'd do stuff like that with. - avery does have a sister, but eugenia is currently institutionalized for nerves-- [whispers] lesbian-- and all of her work friends are out because she's still trying to keep her pregnancy a secret. - really? she's eight months. how is she possibly hiding it? - michael kors is a friend. we own a gay racehorse together. and i convinced him to make wizard cloaks fashionable for ladies this winter.