tv The Colbert Report Comedy Central November 22, 2013 9:35am-10:06am PST
gentlemen. thank you, folks. thank you for your support. thank you for joining us on this, the last day of america, because, folks, it is all over. i am-- i am packing up and getting out of this country and moving back to south carolina. ( cheers and applause ) and here's why-- >> breaking news, senate democrats vote to approve the so-called nuclear options. >> before the democrats voted to change the rules, the nuclear option through that up, totally changed the rules. >> they changed filibuster rules to end the 60 vote threshold. >> stephen: they used the nuclear option. that will give congress radiation burns. ( laughter ) too late! ( laughter ) folks, that scared the socks off-- i'll pack my underwear suitcase later. folks, we have just witnessthe death of an american
institution, the power of the minority to filibuster anything they didn't like is one of our founding principles. that's why it's not in the constitution. ( laughter ) it was going to be, but it got filibusterd, which shows how necessary it is, or else that crap would be in the constitution. ( laughter ) and just listen, just listen to the flimsy excuse offered by senate majority dictator harry reid. >> in the history of our country, some 230-plus years, there have been 160 filibusters of executive and judicial nominations. half of them have occurred during the obama administration. only 23 district court nominations have been filibustered in the entire history of our country, 23. you know what? 20 of them have been in the last four and a half years. >> stephen: hey, republicans wouldn't have to block them if obama nominated conservatives, like, say, republican senator chuck hagel. i mean, that guy-- what's that? they filibustered him, too?
well, that just proves they're bipartisan. they'll filibuster anyone obama nominates. ( laughter ) and we can't trust the democrats with all this powers, folks. they can't do anything right. at harry reid's press conference announcing the end of the filibuster, they misspelled filibuster with two "ls." ( laughter ) that says philly-busters, which i assume are cops who arrest female horses. ( laughter ) and i don't even believe the democrats are really against the filibuster. because their poster clearly says they're again-sts this spem. but they niewkd it. they went ahead and niewkd it. what's going to happen in washington now? something? we were this close to achieving a zen-like state of perfect government nothingness. not since buddha have so many fat, bald men worked so hard to do so little. ( laughter )
( applause ) and folks i have to tell you it's not just the senate. i am sad to report america is losing the battle against gay marriage. the district of columbia and 16 states have legalized man-on mantwoimony including just last week hawaii. it's aloa traditional values, and aloha, gay marriage. ( laughter ) ( applause ) i wish i could assailant opposite. just last night, the government of illinois signed same-sex marriage legislation into law. you know who's happy about that? theee bears! worst of all, woferlt of all, our military has fallen prey to the homosexual gay agenda. three years ago they dropped don't ask, don't tell. at first i figured the gays wouldn't want to be in the military, the the cameo is so matchy-matchy. turns out gay people have some
sort of sick fetish for serving their country and now they're cashing in on those sweet benefits. just ask secretary of defense and man who was crying just before you walked in, chuck hagel. >> when the supreme court issued its decision on the defense of marriage act this summer, the department of defense immediately began working on providing same benefits, same benefits to all eligible spouses, regardless of sexual orientation. we did it because everyone who serves our country in uniform, everyone in this country, should receive all the benefits they deserve and they've earned. >> stephen: folks, these benefits just encourage the destructive gay hook-up culture. meeting your spouse in some windowless back room to provide hot, sweaty dental coverage. thankfully, one brave state, oklahoma, is fighting to remain okla-hetero. its constitution already bans same-sex marriage.
otherwise, oklahoma would be a gay mecca. think of all the things they have to offer the gays-- the musical... that's it. ( applause ) so oklahoma did the right thing and took away some rights. jim? >> the national guard has stopped processing same-sex couples benefits after getting an order from governor mary fallon, despite the pentagon's announcement last month that same-sex spouses of military members are eligible for the same benefits as straight couples. >> stephen: sorry, l.g.b.t. crowd, you got greedy. if you let us keep don't ask, don't tell, nobody would know if your same-sex partner was gay. ( laughter ) now, according to some obscure the u.s. constitution, denying rights to a specific minority group is illegal. so governor fallon is ensuring that all okla-humans are treated equally by ordering state-owned
national guard facilities to stop processing all military spouse benefits. now, every oklahoma national guard member will have to travel to a federally run facility to apply for benefits. in some cases, that would be an additional four-hour road trip. it will be fun. you can play a game of eye spy and arbitrary denial of my rights. ( laughter ) now, governor fallon is setting a great precedent here. rather than provide any services for gay people, the government should refuse to provide them for everyone. because once a gay person gets something, it gets their gay all over it. ( laughter ) that's why i think we should shut down the fire departments. if i find out that firefighters also rescue guy people, suddenly, it will seem gay for me to have their calendar. ( laughter ) ( applause ) that's march. that's march. that's a good one.
and what about schools? i've heard some of these new-fangled gays also have kids that go to school. they're learning the same math as my kids, all so they can go home and count the number of mommies they have. ( laughter ) and, folks, we wouldn't even have this problem if gays weren't allowed in the military. so no one should be allowed in the military. i say let those drones do all the work. ( laughter ) they're still moks away from developing a sexual preference. but once they do, they'll have no problem connecting with their soul mates or any of their collateral soul mates. you know what? even that might not be enough, folks. because governor fallon, i heard that gay people in oklahoma enjoy the cent of your flower, the oklahoma rose as much as straight people do show you can shhh order everyone in your state to cut off their noses to spite the gays because you're kind of doing it already. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ). 8xxxwñ=t #
( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: thank you very much. thank you very much. welcome back, everybody. nation, as you know, this is my last show before thanksgiving. and sometimes it's hard to get through the holiday without the thing you're most thankful for-- me. ( laughter ) which is why this year, you can have stephen colbert as a guest
at your thanksgiving dinner. ( cheers and applause ) all you have to do-- i know,in, calm down, calm down. we'll get there. all you have to do is set a place at your table, put your laptop at it, and fire up this exciting new dvd, "stephenstephn colbert's guess who's coming to dinner? it's me, stephen colbert." as you can see -- ( cheers ) here i am, dressed as a roast turkey enjoying a drum stick, because nothing evokes the hardship of the first colonies like cannibalism. ( laughter ) for just three increasing payments of $39.99, i'll be your thanksgiving guest of honor. all that's left is take your credit card numbers and record the dvd, let's do that part right now. jim, come on, let's do it. >> okay, here we go.
>> stephen: oh, hi! thanks for inviting me-- insert name" family. but before we begin, a prayer of thanksgiving. dear lord, jesus christ, the one true savior who will some day judge those sitting at this table. thank you for this bounty, which we are about to take partake of. also thanks for not making us indians. talk about a rough ride. amen, let's eat. okay! ( cheers and applause ) okay. mmm-mmm! oboy! mmm-mmm. so tender! you would have to be an idiot to be a vegetarian. ( laughter ) i'm talking to you, karen. sure, saving a lot of animals by not eating this dead one. oh, oh, oh, go run into the forest, little guy, be brave. and is this stuffin stuffing ise
for. not that uncle rick would know what with his made-up gluten allergy. if this was the old day, you weak links would have been whip outside of the gene pool a lock time ago like god intended. all right. mmm-mmmm. now i know i'm not supposed to talk like this in front of the random stranger dad met at the starbucks and ein vieted over because he had nowhere to go. now he's got somewhere to go, through everyone's purses. mark my words. ( cheers and applause ). hey, hey, hey, i'm sorry, i'm sorry! you don't have to yell, okay? let's just have a nice meal for once, please. all right. ( applause ) all right, all right. look, look, look, i'm just going to stay, all right? marx, are you gay in nan back me up on this one. hey, bob, you still have thatted
paindmanian guy doing your lan. you might want to switch to guatemalen. they're like stronger, more grateful italians. carter, madison, stop clanking the damn silverware. uncle stephen's trying to drink! ( laughter ) i'm fat. ( laughter ) ( applause ) oh, my god. oh, my god. karen, your pie tastes like brown spackle. oh, come on, karen. stop crying! is it because mark's gay? he's not crying. well, he wasn't a minute okay. knock it off, buldy. you're not helping your case anyway. look i'll cut to the chase, everybody. i need to borrow $15,000. it's not gambling this time, okay, it's for an investment, okay. here it is. it's an invention. it looks like a pen but it
actually holds two triple a batteries, okay. it's the perfect thing for the next time you need batteries, or a-- or a pen. actually, scratch that. the pen doesn't work. it just looks like a pen. uncle rick, you in? how about you starbucks guy? why can't you support me for once! just this one time. i'm sorry we can't all be perfect,nana. if anybody needs me i'll be in the car. here's a bird i cooked for you. hey, hey. ( applause ) you like that? is that tasty? hey, who wants seconds? ( cheers and applause )
( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is hollywood's hottest director please welcome j.j. abrams. ( cheers and applause ) good to see you again, man, how are you? >> very well. >> stephen: it's been a long time. the squirrel's in the basket, man. everybody knows who you are, you're the emmy award-winning megadirector, of "lost" "alias" and now you're doing the "star
wars" movie we're not going to talk about that right now, all right? i know you're drying dooig to tell me what happens in the new "star wars" movie but i'm sorry, i can't do it. not yet, not yet. now you've got a project that really shook me, j.j. >> oh, really, how so? >> stephen: because it's a book. okay. >> yup. >> not only is it a book. it's a book that is i think would be impossible to turn into a movie. >> yeah, the goal of this was not to make a movie. it was to create the book. this is the end game, what you're holding in your hand. that'>> stephen: that's the pai don't understand. this book is not just any book. it's a book within a week. it's a novel that you conceived of with a writer named doug doris. >> doug doris wrote the book, did an extraordinary job. the idea was to take a novel and to say what if someone left a novel in a library, a library obamacare an old library book, as it is. >> stephen: let me open that up like that.
>> and you get in this sporty black case, and you tone up and you have a 1949 library book and if you look in the book, you see there's writing inside in the margins. and it's two people who have met through the book. the book bakes vessel of communication. it's sort of like an analog texting. ( laughter ) >> they're writing back and forth and investigating this writer, who essentially wrote the book. >> stephen: obviously, i know who b.m. shrock is. the book is shrokasian. is he a real person? >> no. >> stephen: there is a novel that is fake. and then the people who are writing to each other are also made up. so it's almost like it's three stories in one book. >> it's sort of a play on top of a novel. inside the book you get all
these -- >> stephen: you have little bitsave newspaper in here. >> letters, a postcard. >> stephen: this is an actual napkin with a map drawn on it. is this a novel or is this evidence of your spiraling into madness? ( laughter ) this is the sort of thing-- i have to say, j.j.ue know i'm a fan-- but this is the sort of thing when they find this in your newspapers they go, "of course he killed those people." look at this. >> it was either that or a lot of cash. the idea with this book is-- >> it's an obvious gimmick. the book is sort of an experience, but what did doug did is right, an extraordinary book that happens to also have a lot of weird stuff stuck in the pages. >> stephen: you conceived of this book. it actually has a library-- it has a dewey decimal card. >> they did an amazing job. >> stephen: it's designed like a library book.
it even has, like, what is this-- >> it's a code wheel glai code wheel. hold on, hold on help hold on. drink. more oaflovalteen. >> this is what happened. i was at the airport, and i saw a paperback novel -- >> stephen: back when you flew public. okay, go ahead. ( laughter ). >> and there was this paperback sitting on a bench before they would close down the airport because the book-- and i went over, picked it up, and it was a ludlow novel, and someone had written inside, whoever finds this book, please read the book, take it somewhere and leave it for someone else to find it. signed janet. >> stephen: go ahead, go ahead, yes. ( laughter ) >> so i started thinking what would happen if-- ( laughter )
i thought what would happen if someone-- it reminded me of being in college, and you'd see the notes people would loaf and i thought what if that became a conversation between people. >> stephen: the book came into fruition between and you doug doris. >> he's an amazing author. >> stephen: is he an actual author or is he made up, too? >> he is. >> stephen: i have to say his name is a fairly obvious anagr anagram. come on, j.j. >> he's real, he's real. >> stephen: are you ready to move some paper? let's move the paper. what page does yoda show up on? >> 38. no. this is nothing to do with "starwars" but i cannot wait to talk to you about "star wars." >> it's so early.
>> stephen: it is so early. you're doing the ""star trek"" movies and you're doing "star wars" now. which group of fans seems the most frightening when they approach you? which group of them makes you feel like you're in a room without any doors slowly filling with someone else's needs? >> no, i'm grateful to all -- >> stephen: all of them, really? all of them. >> stephen: really, okay? >> sure. i feel incredibly lucky to be involved with these things and the fans are why we're doing the movie. >> stephen: i understand. is there going to be another "star trek" movie? >> there is going to be a third, and they're working on it now, and there will be someone else directing it. >> stephen: are you looking for a sexy romulan? a dancy lady? the guy with the big butt forehead? >> are you going to help us out. >> stephen: of course, of course, you kidding? >> i'm in, if you're in. >> stephen: i'm in, baby doll. j.j. abrams. the book is "s."