tv The Daily Show With Jon Stewart Comedy Central November 15, 2013 9:00am-9:36am PST
be joining us. let's begin tonight with healthcare.gov, rhymes with love. last we checked in the embattled obama administration was making a simple promise to the american people. >> by the end of this month we anticipate that it is going to be working the way that it will suppose to. >> it will take to the end of november for an optimally functioning web site. >> we will have it fully functioning by the end of november. >> jon: fully functioning by november? but as of now for some reason the site continues to give people hepatitis. we don't know. (laughter) well, today the president called a press conference to make a slight adjustment to the promise of a fully functional web site by photograph 30th. >> the web site will work much better on november 30th, december 1st than it worked certainly on october 1st. that's a pretty low barment by the time we look back on this next year the people are going to a this is
working well. >> jon: let, let me be clear. when i said end of november, i did not say which november. (laughter) let me be clear about that. (cheers and applause) >> jon: all right. the president didn't just call all of us together to lower our expectations for the web site. >> there are going to be ups and downs during the course of my presidency. i think i said early on when i was running i am not a per income man and i will not be a perfect president. but i will wake up every single day working as hard as i can. (laughter) >> jon: that wasn't the slogan you campaigned on. i think when you campaigned you were a "yes, we can" i don't remember the other slogan. (laughter) but i'm sorry, you were
saying something? >> we fumbled the rollout on this health care law. that's on us, not on them. it's not on them, it's on us. that's on me. and again, that's on us. which is why-- s that's on me. >> it's me, i did it, i [bleep] upped. do me a favor, just kick my ass, okay. kick this ass, that's all. i'm not asking, i'm telling with this. kick my ass. >> jon: i can't believe this. the web site, the web site fiasco has basically turned our president into artie. but of course for every cloud there is a silver lining. certainly the rollout for the president's signature legislative accomplishment has been rough. but at least it has not been mayor of front rocky. or as the mayor is now referred to -- >> the crack-smoking mayor of toronto-- (laughter)
(cheers and applause) >> jon: toronto mayor and intrepid-- yesterday appeared before the mighty toronto city council. as crowds of his supportive constituents gathered outside. so that's where south park got that. (laughter) anyway, ford has some splaning to do. >> mr. mayor, do you still have zero tolerance for drugs, guns and gangs? >> absolutely. (laughter) >> jon: wait, did you see zero tolerance for drugs or jim morison like high tolerance for drugs. but then inevitably the $64,000 question or whatever crack costs in canada. >> have you purchased illegal drugs in the last two years?
>> yes, i have. >> jon: the pause before mayor ford to answer that factually yes or no question was 8 seconds long. 8 seconds. we don't know what is he was thinking in the interval. but we think it might have been this. >> have you purchased illegal drugs in the last two years? >> yes, i have. >> jon: going through the headlines. (cheers and applause) >> jon: maybe in those eight seconds mayor ford was truly trying to remember the last time he bought crack or maybe he was doing the homer simpson thing, exhorting himself not to say yes before blurting out yes, dough! or perhaps he was just pausing for dramatic game show contestant affect. >> have you purchased
illegal drugs in the last two years? >> yes, i have. (cheers and applause) >> jon: there, he did it. he won! that was our-- ultimately the council voted 37-5 to request nonbindingly if the mayor would consider, respectfully, a leave of absence sir, please. or as that's known up there, justice, canadian style. 4r56 laugh but of course drug purchases turn out to be the tip for the ford. >> new bombshell allegations including accusations that ford consorted with a suspected prostitute, snorted cocaine, drove while drinking and smoked a joint with two women.
>> jon: and then after lunch-- (laughter) you know what, these allegations are going to keep surfacing. all the guy has to do is just lay low, get some professional help, and then it's all going to blow over. and cue him this morning talking to the press. >> a short time ago mayor ford denied a woman that he met was a prostitute. >> alana is not a prostitute. she's a friend. i have had enough i have to take legal action against the waiter that said i was doing lines at the beer market. (laughter) >> jon: [bleep] guy is a one-man episode of cops. but all of this, the allegations, the intoxicated rant tape, the crack smoking he believes is excused somehow by his rampant alcoholism, all of this
pales in comparison to this next moment. i want to ask you a question at home. do you have children? because if you do, you might want to go right now and wake them up and bring them downstairs. and gather them around the television set. i know they've got school tomorrow but i think you'll agree once you see this clip, it's more important than school. this next clip will astonish and amaze you. this is toronto mayor rob ford addressing allegations that he sexually harassed one of his staffers. >> on the last thing was olivia, it says that i want to eat her [bleep]. >> i have never said that in my life to her. i would never do that i'm happily married. i have more than enough to eat at home! (laughter)
>> jon: what? what? what! what! what! somewhere in a basement through his tears anthony weiner is going what the [bleep]? (cheers and applause) [bleep] all you can eat buffet at home! in fact, the only thing that gets me through the ridiculous amount of nonstop cunnilingus i have to perform is the sweet relief of crack. let me beg you, sir, let me beg you. mayor rob ford of toronto, let that be your last statement. throw down the mec. make that your last sentence of your entire career in public service. because that is what we call
misunderstandings. >> the film "gravity" is off to an astronomical start. >> neil degrass tyson director of new york's hayden planetarium criticized the movie at scientifically inaccurate. >> tyson tweeted mysteries of gravity, why bullock's hair did not float freely on her head. >> the beginning of your program, your earth is spinning the wrong direction. >> son of a bitch! i may have overreacted to that one. he is on to something here we'll soon find out in our brand-new segment neil degrass tyson, buzz kill of science. (applause) we're very excited about this. thank you for joining us for this brand-new segment. >> thank you, john, good to be back. >> jon: tonight on neil degrass tyson buzzkill of
science, zombies! walking dead is a runway television hit, zombie apocalypse is clearly on everyone's mind. zombies, could it happen, let the debunking begin. >> actually, it's not really what i do. what i do, instead, is correct errors in otherwise seemingly accurate portrayals of science. zombies are nothing more than a fantasy that willfully ignores laws of physics and physiology like backyards time travel or love. (laughter) >> jon: you're telling me when you are watching the walking dead, these zombie movies you're not mentally cataloging all the things scien difficult clee that they are getting wrong. >> first, jon, i don't really watch television. >> jon: i understand. >> what i do, this is what i do-- do you have any idea how much excitement there is in a single drop of water? (laughter) >> jon: no. >> it's a universal of
microbes. >> jon: okay. hey, so is it true that the only way to kill a zombie is to shoot it in the head? >> jon, please, you can to the kill something that is already dead. without a functioning circulatory system distributing oxygenated blood, a zombie's muscles would si cum to rig more 'tis. they couldn't even stand let alone walk. they have no desire to eat brains because the fattiest tissue would have stopped producing the hormone helptin which triggers the sensation of hunger in the first place. just saying. (applause) >> jon: so if i get bit by a zombie i do turn into a zombie. >> of course not. zombieism can't spread through massification. >> jon: that is how they spread it? i always thought they had to bite you. >> no, being chewed on by a zombie. >> jon: good, because they spread it the other way, i
mean-- we really would be in the middle of a zombie apocalypse right now. and quite frankly, i would be the leader. >> zombies are a good analogy for viral outbreaksment but when something bites you, you don't turn into that thing. and even if that was remotably possible, then evander holyfield would have turn mood mike tyson years ago. >> jon: you're saying no way, no way zombies exist. >> jon, let's to the go that far, okay o i'm a scientist. i have to be open to every possibility. we've been discussing human earthling zombies but i can't say somewhere in the infin at this time reaches of the kos moss there isn't a heavenly planet that he involved its life form capable of reanimating and is feeding upon the over begans of the living. >> jon: holy [bleep] i know what is happening here. >> space zombies. >> jon: space xom piece, i knew it! you are afraid of space zombies. >> no, no, no, not at all. i'm afraid of real things.
>> jon: real things? like-- like how trillions of years from now the irreversible dissent to absolute zero will leave the universe as nothing more than a cold, inert waste land, devoid of life, movement, and even the very constance of energy. >> jon: you're freaking everybody out. you know i can just turn the lights back on, bring them back up. bring them back up, so you have the power to do that but not make the globe in your opening credits turn the right way?
book feast. >> reasons are you sick. >> i'm fine. >> what is the matter. >> what the hell is this? >> sorry, papa. are you going to tell mamma? papa? >> did anyone see you? let's make this our secret. >> jon: a spoiler alert, hitler dies in the end. please welcome geoffrey rush. sir! (cheers and applause) >> jon: how are you.
there our country the normal protocol would be that the guest would sit and then i would sit, as does work similarly in your land. >> it's the same. >> jon: the same. >> yeah, yeah. >> jon: we have so much in common. how are you doing? this is a phenomenal movie. wonderful movie. and your performance in it as always, i don't-- it's hard to add more su per latifs wonderful. >> i'm doing good. we've been traveling with the film through some festivals and guild screens. and we went to the museum of tolerance in l.a. and had a nice screening there. >> jon: i imagine they don't criticize you after a movie there at the museum of tolerance. >> they were beyond tolerant. it was great at the holocaust museum in washington it was a very, very special fight because there were quite a few survivors in the audience. and i met a guy, come up to me and said i was 14 during the second world war and i was hidden by a very kindly average farmer just on the outskirts of paris for three
or four years. and he reminded me, your character in the film reminded me some of of him. and this guy is now in his late 80s i would imagine. and i can't imagine what he's been through. >> jon: s this's amazing. that's got to make you feel in some way like just incredibly moved to even have done it, to even have put the film out. because i imagine their response to it is almost more meaningful than anything else. >> yeah, well, at that museum, i had a big exhi business on it at the about complicity and the kind of pressures that people were under, in very remote german towns as the national socialist was, you know, really putting, really eating into the people's lives. and you know, neighbors, sometimes got terrorized, were fearful, went for self-preservation rather than a more humane ethical
kind of response. >> jon: the moral response you would think, where did you fill testimony, did you film it here? >> we were, it was great for me as an actor. we were at the historic studios in berlin which is where. >> jon: wow. >> in the old days the young billy wilder, lubich. >> jon: right, right. >> all those long forgotten german filmmakers, tarantino worked there with inglorious bastards. >> jon: how did they respond. was that on a soundstage or are you on a street and they dressed the street and do local people go what are you up to. >> kind of because all the nazi stuff is to you band. so it's pretty hard to get swastikas out and be singing the original lyrics to uberalis. and. >> jon: i imagine too that they might think that a movie is not the thing that they want to be-- to be reminded. >> berlin is, i had a
fantastic time there because we had a predominantly german crew and fantastic ger pan actor, so it was like a really serious immersion into how they've come out of an are wrestling with probably the worst century that a country could go through. >> jon: right. i always wonder about that. how a country, when you have something that is, that your country has done that is without question evil, countrymen that were complicity in it but maybe you were not directly or your family wasn't, do you begin to get resentful, i always wonder that with the backlash against, in this country, about like slavery or native american, what we've done, people saying well that wasn't me, i wasn't there. is there backlash? >> we're probably getting from all angles in the response to the film which is, it seemed, i mean as an acker i used to be a stage acker i liked going and sitting in with some
audiences, i've sat in with some public performances, i've sat in with festivals. and you can read the house. it is a deeply emotional, it's a slow build of an emotional response to a very dark chapter but the great thing seems to be that it happens at different points for different people. we've tried not to be sentimental or mel dramatic about it. -- melodramatic. my agent described it as a five hanker chief movie and that would be pretty good for the poster. because it is not prescribing how you should have a response. it's realizing, from the original book, what, the what the author of the become has given us is a great gift to have empathy for ode people in germany who were swept up in this terrible kind of, you know, insidious commit call. >> and humanizing their might because that is difficult to do as well. what a thoughtful man you
(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody, thank you so. for joining me. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. please. (cheers and applause) i got to say, that taste like greatness. nation, we've all seen the devastation in the philippines caused by