Skip to main content

tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  November 12, 2013 11:30pm-12:01am PST

11:30 pm
11:31 pm
[cheers and applause] >> jon: that's our show. here it is your moment of zen. >> would you let your middle school child take a field trip to hooters? a group of middle school boys, you gotta hear, they go to hooters with their coach who had been fired. what did the kids think about >> stephen: (screaming) tonight, weapons of mass destruction in iran. damn, george bush was off by just one letter! (cheers and applause) a new vacation spot for the wealthy. it's hard to get away from it all when you own it all. and my guest david christian has a new t.v. show about the history of everything in the world. everything? what else ya got? (laughter) lady gaga says she's addicted to pot. so be on the lookout in case she starts exhibiting any odd behavior. (laughter) this is "the colbert report."
11:32 pm
captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) (cheers and applause). >> stephen: welcome to the "report," everybody, thank you for joining us. folks, can i have your attention? please, can i have your attention? (laughter) i have a major announcement to make. i don't like barack obama. (laughter) there, i said it. where do i find the courage? i tell you why, folks, the man is a liar. remember how he sold us obamacare? >> if you like your insurance plan, you will keep it. >> stephen: but now millions of americans have had their coverage ripped from them. i believe it's the plot of
11:33 pm
"taken 3." (laughter) first it was his daughter, then his wife, now they've taken his health plan. (laughter) i have particular set of skills. yes, i'll hold. well, folks, we finally got the hard numbers on obamacare's disastrous first month. stop, hemmer time. >> fox's alert now. we get our first look at the obamacare enroll. numbers and this has a long way to go. "wall street journal" reports fewer than 50,000 americans successfully signed up. >> stephen: 50,000! to put that into perspective, that is fewer people than watch "up late" with alec baldwin. (laughter) just look at the numbers, folks. there are 48 million uninsured americans. that comes out to a .1% acceptance rate. so obamacare is 58 times harder to get into than harvard! (laughter) i mean, to get into obamacare you're really going to have to
11:34 pm
ace your m.r.i.s. (laughter) i had no idea obamacare was going to be this exclusive. which kind of makes me want in. (laughter) i mean, i'll join anything that won't have me. let me in, earth, wind & fire. i can be moisture! (cheers and applause) ♪ do you remember, t words to this song, la, la, la ♪ (laughter) folks, obamacare is like an impossibly hip club that covers your rip replacement. so come on, obama, there's got to be a v.i.p. list. i tried showing up to the web site with two models and a bag of coke. but all i got was two coked up models! (laughter) god, they need some health care. i'll just keep trying, but in the meantime, mr. president, please do not fix the web site. i wouldn't want this exclusive club to be ruined by a bunch of poor people. (laughter) and, folks, i believe the only thing worse than obama's web
11:35 pm
site is his lack of foresight. now, our neville chamberlain in chief loves surrendering to america's enemies and this weekend he sent secretariat of state john kerry to wave the white flag at iran. >> secretary of state john kerry is in switzerland to negotiate a possible break through to freeze iran's nuclear program. >> the united states is largely looking for iran to take the first step in curbing its nuclear activity. >> the white house has reportedly prepared to offer the iranians limited relief from crippling economic sanctions if they agree to temporarily halt their nuclear program for a period of six months. >> stephen: six months! you don't negotiate a deal with terrorists that last six months-- unless you're raising the debt ceiling. (laughter) folks, iran is a nation of radical muslims hell bent on acquiring nuclear weapons. we can't have nukes in the middle east. someone might bomb israel and then they'd have to use their
11:36 pm
nukes! (laughter) fortunately, the deal was stopped by our closest ally. >> france says forget it, no deal. >> the french just said look, pause, forget it. we want to halt the entire program. >> france was the country to stand up and say no to this. they said the deal was too easy on tehran. >> stephen: yes, france! the country that put the oui in "we give up." (laughter). (cheers and applause) folks, of the six-nation team -- we love it. we love france. (laughter) of the six-nation team negotiating with iran, only france had the escargots to say non and you know it was a band deal if france is turning down a six-way. (laughter) french foreign minister and butler in a grey poupon ad laurient fabius said "the agreement was too easy on
11:37 pm
tehran. one wants a deal but not a sucker's deal." and, folks, france know's a sucker's deal. they're the ones who sold us louisiana. (laughter) we should have saved the receipt. now our president's been outtoughed but the french. that's like being outsoberred by toronto mayor rob ford. and i'm not the only one. we stand with you, mr. mayor. i'm not the only one praising the french here. arizona senator and "bomb, bomb iran" lead vocalist john mccain tweeted "france had the courage to prevent a bad nuclear agreement with iran. vive la france." unfortunately, due to his inexperience with twitter he accidentally typed this into his microwave. (laughter) nation, you know if you watch the show i've been tough on france in the past. it's a miracle they survived the humiliation that was freedom fries. i don't think they're going to come back from that one but i
11:38 pm
think it's time to show them our gratitude so people of france in honor of your bravery from now on this shall be nobody as french cheese. (cheers and applause) you're welcome, france. it ages -- (cheers and applause) it ages beautifully, a thousand years from now it will taste exactly the same. (laughter) and now that france has saved the world, we must never, ever go back to the negotiating table with iran. here to tell me why we must go back to the negotiating table with iran is the president of the national iranian american council trita parsi. mr. parsi, thank you so much for coming. (cheers and applause) thanks so much. all right, okay. sir, you are the author of "a single roll of the dice." about why america must get back to the bargaining table with iran. but why, sir, haven't we dodged a bullet by walking away from the power-mad mullahs who want
11:39 pm
to bomb israel and wipe it off the map? >> actually, what president obama was doing in these negotiations was a huge favor to israel because if the deal had gone through, if the french had not changed to go forth in the last minute there would be a closing of the opportunity for the iranians to build a nuclear weapon and that would help israel's security and many other people's security and most importantly america's security. >> stephen: i'm going to call bull (bleep) on you two ways here. (laughter) first of all, the french can't move goalposts, they don't play football. they play what they call f,tbol. anyways, the second something how are we helping israel? how are we stopping iran from getting a bomb because all question is is for a reduction in their nuclear capabilities. in exchange we give them six months of cash, sell their oil, unfreeze their accounts. six months from now they say, hey, thanks for the cash we're going to go back to building our bomb. israel, boom, boom, boom, they get to blame us. >> not at all. here's why you're wrong. >> no, absolutely yes.
11:40 pm
(laughter) >> here's what is going to happen. this was supposed to be an interim deal in order to reach a later deal when the final agreement were to be negotiated. >> stephen: but that that's trusting rouhani, right? >> you know what it's trusting? it's trusting the agreement. the agreement that verify it is other side is not cheating. it's not about trusting the other side of this one. more importantly -- >> stephen: how can we trust any agreement with these people. they haven't even released the hostages yet. it's day 12,428. let ben affleck go! (cheers and applause) the sanctions are working. the point is the sanctions are working aren't they? >> i would say no, the sanctions are working in the sense of destroying the economy of the iranians. >> stephen: but they wouldn't be coming to the bargaining table if they didn't have the sanctions! >> this was the same team that in 2005 offered to cap the nuclear program at 3,000 centrifuges. today they have 19,000. what the deal would have achieved is remarkable because this would be the first time in eight years that the program-- essential parts of it-- would
11:41 pm
have been frozen. that's critical. >> stephen: are the sanctions hurting them? >> they are. >> stephen: that's what you want. you have to have a carrot-and-stick approach. you have to, you know, say we'll stop hitting you with the stock and when they least expect it you stab them with the carrot! (laughter) so -- but they want a bomb, right? we know they want a bomb. >> actually, u.s. intelligence is saying that they are preparing to put everything together in order to have the option of building a bomb. but they have not made a decision to go there to build a bomb and there's a lot that we can do and a lot that this deal would have done to make sure that that option also would have been eliminated. until the french showed up. >> stephen: okay, now listen. you are iranian or an american citizen. >> i was born in iran, i'm a swedish citizen. >> stephen: you're a swedish citizen. well, i don't trust those bastards, either. (laughter) so you're not an american citizen. >> i'm a green card holder.
11:42 pm
>> stephen: okay, i've seen "homeland." spoiler alert: there's no reason to trust you. >> you question loyalty at the same time you're praise the french when they're celebrating a setback in american foreign policy. >> no, they're holding the line against the mullahs -- anyone whose flag has red white and blue on it, my friend. (laughter) well, thank you so much for joining me. trita parsi, the national iranian american council. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)
11:43 pm
11:44 pm
11:45 pm
(cheers and applause). >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. folks, you know, as a member of the upper middle stinking rich i say in only the world's finest hotels. but at a certain point luxury familiarity breeds rarefied contempt. (laughter) i mean, you've seen one cigar humidor you've seen them all. that's why i like to mix it up sometimes and go glamour camping. or glamping. (laughter) there's no better try enjoy the great outdoors without giving up 600 thread count sheets, gourmet meals and butler service. at the finest establishments, even the wildlife are trained in shiatsu massage. although i'm always a lilt uncomfortable when it's a dude. but now i've discovered an even
11:46 pm
more exotic hybrid of luxury and roughing it. it's called shantytown, a lodging option available at the emoya hotel and spa in bloemfontein in south africa. it's modeled on the hovels of south africa's townships. the whole family can stay in an authentic corrugated tin shack, each with its own black smoke spewing fire, beef tallow candle and squatter's kitchen. like a sandals resort if sandals were made for an old tire. it's got nothing on glamour slumming, or glumming. now you can experience what it's like to be trapped in a shantytown, resending rich people who do things like stay in a pretend shantytown. plus, in addition to destitution inspired amenities like outside long drop toilets and something called a donkey geyser, there are also modern comforts like underfloor heating and wireless
11:47 pm
internet access. i assume real shantytowns still use dialup. and since these hoover villas accommodate up to 52 guests, the shantytown is ideal for team building and fancy theme parties. of course the theme is up to you. maybe a masquerade ball called "eyes wide shut to other people's suffering." (laughter) the only problem, is south africa is really far away, folks. i mean it's south of africa. that's why i'm bringing the glumming experience home to the states with my new resort "frigidaire lodge at overpass meadows." (laughter) just minutes from the sumptuous decay of downtown (in a french accent) detroit. you'll say in a cardboard refrigerator box fitted out with japanese satin moving blankets and most of a pair of slippers. enjoy an evening stroll of our abandoned lot, lovingly landscaped with vintage trucker bombs. just don't forget to be back in time for the nightly wine and
11:48 pm
cheese stabbing. one look and you'll know why trip advisor said "aahh! raccoons!" we'll be right back. ers anheers an
11:49 pm
11:50 pm
11:51 pm
(cheers and applause). >> stephen: welcome back everybody. my guest tonight is the host of a history show that connects every event in the history of the world-- i assume to kevin bacon. please welcome david christian. (cheers and applause)
11:52 pm
hey, mr. christian, so nice to have you on. now, sir, you are the host of a new show that's really more than a show on h2 which is history channel 2, i assume. >> yup. yup. >> okay. no room on the actual history channel because that's full of like pawn stars and american pickers, i assume. (laughter) the series attempts to connect widely diverse things throughout history and really let us get to know the entire history of the universe. >> that's absolutely what we try to do. >> stephen: from the big bang to now in ten hours. >> that's it. >> stephen: why not something more ambitious. (laughter) what's the purpose of the series? >> the series and the course i teach and the course that's available on the big history
11:53 pm
project -- >> stephen: you can go to bighistory.com and one of your backers is bill gates is your partner in this. he wants everyone to learn everything about everything. (laughter). >> stephen: . >> what the course does is teaches you the whole history of time. so it gives you a sort of map of time and space like an origin story and that means you can place yourself in the universe and in the whole of time and space. >> i always assumed i'm at the center of the universe and everything is turning around me. i believe galileo discovered that. (laughter) >> of course you're at the center of the universe. the person who tells the story is the center of the universe always. but you need to place yourself in that large map and if you can place yourself in that map that gives you a sense of meaning, of where you are, of how you came to be and what things you can do. what possibilities are available to you. >> stephen: we already have this kind of map that tells us our place and purpose in the
11:54 pm
universe. it's called the bible. (laughter) have you read it? have you read the bible? (applause) >> i have read it. >> stephen: nothing in this series will contradict what i believe, correct? >> well -- (laughter). there are many origin stories and the bible is one. >> stephen: it's the true one. >> many, many countries and different societies have their own origin stories and modern sciencist contains an origin story. so what we're telling is the or gin story present in modern science. >> one of the things that confuses me about the show is it connects widely disparate things. like -- give an example of one of the things. your first episode is about salt. >> that's right. >> stephen: the whole episode just about salt. >> yeah. >> stephen: obviously that's just a ratings grab because people -- (laughter). next week it's sweet. salt and sweet. >> but if you'll remember that the early earth four billion
11:55 pm
years ago the first living organisms were formed in salty water so all living organisms on earth were formed in the sort of salt solution. we need to carry it around inside our bodies so the story of salt -- >> stephen: wait, there's a salt solution in my body. >> you need salt. if you don't have salt i hate to say it but you will die eventually: (laughter). >> stephen: don't even joke about that. have we fought wars over salt? >> i think wars probably have been fought over salt, yeah. it's a crucial commodity, huge amounts of money have been trading. >> stephen: we pedro man soldiers in salt. >> absolutely. >> stephen: that's what salary comes from. >> absolutely. >> stephenare you enjoyingmy hi? >> absolutely. >> this isn't like date space history. i don't have to know 1066 or 476 or 1492 or that stuff, do any.
11:56 pm
>> you need to know a few dates. i can give you a few. >> stephen: i just gave you a three. >> 13. billion years. >> stephen: what happened then? >> the origins of the universe. >> stephen: says you, but go ahead, yeah. >> 4.56 billion years ago the earth was created. great thing. 65 million years ago an ass roeutd landed on earth, wiped out the dinosaurs. if the dinosaurs hadn't been wiped out we would not be here. >> stephen: because we'd be fighting them. (laughter) we'd be fighting them, right! this should be would be gladiators fighting dinosaurs and its ratings would be enormous. what's bill gates get out of this? where is he getting his beak wet? he loves the cash. >> he's not getting cash, he loves the educational idea of the course that brings the different subjects together. i mean, i remember going to school wanting to a story about the meaning of life and my teachers say to me things like
11:57 pm
-- and this is their job. they say "shut up about the meaning of life. learn about calculus or your french verbs or something like this." never could i study or ask about the meaning of life in school or university. with a course like this, you can put all this knowledge together, you can see a coherent story of the whole of the past and it's full of meaning. >> stephen: well, david, what is the meaning of life? >> the meaning of life -- okay. um -- (laughter). here's the quick version. >> stephen: i kind of do need the quick version. >> 13.8 billion years ago the universe appears. it's that small, everything in the universe is in that tiny thing. it's incredibly simple, no humans, no planets, no elements. then over 13.8 billion years one by one new more complex things appear. stars appear. planets appear. living organisms-- at least on this planet-- and then eventually us. the weirdest organisms of all. so that's a wonderful story
11:58 pm
about how we got to be here. >> stephen: that's the events of life, that's not the meaning of life. >> the meaning is like a map. if you have a map it tells you where you are. >> right. >> stephen: if you know where you are you know where you can go. >> stephen: if you know what the key says in the corner of the map! (laughter) to tell you distance and everything. that's what i'm saying. that's what the bible is. the bible is the key in the corner. >> the bible is a map. it's a wonderful map, full of meaning. >> stephen: it's the map, mr. christian. (laughter) david christian, "big history" on h2 and online. we'llghtright
11:59 pm
12:00 am

243 Views

info Stream Only

Uploaded by TV Archive on