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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  December 19, 2011 9:30am-10:00am PST

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captioning sponsored by comedy central [theme music playing] [cheering and applause] >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much. [audience chanting "stephen"] thank you so much. [cheering and applause]
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what can i say? welcome to "the report." merry christmas, everybody. happy new year. folks, good to have you with us. everybody, everybody out there, everybody out in the world, everybody in the media, everybody in here tonight is talking about it. they're asking about it. my south carolina serious, classy republican debate. ever since donald trump dropped out of his own debate last night, there has been a giant ego-shaped hole in the republican primary. now, originally i planned to hold my debate on animal planet. [laughter] bar none home to the cutest baby sloths on tv. makes the baby sloths on discovery channel look like hookers. but, of course, i cannot forget what natural fit this debate would be for national geographic, nat geo. last might i told everybody involved, the candidates, the
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networks, if they were interested, they should send me an edible arrangement saying, "i'm in." no cantaloupe, honeydew only, number-one most refreshing melon. wrap it in prosciutto, put it on a toothpick, there is literally no limits to what this melon can achieve. well, folks, lookie what arrived today. they have it. boom. this is from nat geo wild. the card says, "i'm in." so mark your calendars, folks. i don't have a date yet. just go ahead and mark the whole year. this debate is going to be tremendous. nat geo wild indisputably the wildest of the nat geos. amazing. it's terrifying, it's national geographic gone wild. you throw beads. a recess monkey shows you her
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teeth. nat geo wild knows this will be the top-rated debate in history. since it's nat geo, it's going to be all animals. my co-host, the dog whisperer, the number-one guy who talks quietly to dogs. rick perry goes off topic, he gets the shhtz. ron paul goes wild, flip him on his back, rub his belly, he's done. i'm busy with the fruit. nation, with the iowa caucus three weeks a i way, newt gingrich is sitting pretty. well, he's sitting. he's got a double-digit lead nationally, folks. last night his main rival got a game-changing endorsement from a republican heavy hitter. >> christine o'donnell was a tea party favorite during the 2010 mid-term elections. she's here tonight to announce who she's supporting for the g.o.p. nomination. >> i'm endorsing mitt romney.
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>> stephen: mitt romney is back in it. christine o'donnell's endorsement will cast a spell over primary voters. >> i'm not a witch. >> stephen: okay. that's a bad metaphor. in fact, in fact, this endorsement proves she is not a witch because a witch would have gone for the eye of newton. and what, what about mitt brought o'donnell around to romney? >> his consistency, the fact that he was so strong and i think people will find that appealing going into the 2012... >> some people say mitt romney isn't the most consistent candidate because he's changed his mind about big, important issues over the years. >> that's one of the things that i like about him because he's been consistent since he changed his mind. [laughter] >> stephen: how did she lose? [laughter] and, folks, she isn't the only political powerhouse backing romney.
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so the dan quayle. thank god he has these endorsements because ron paul got jesse ventura, which counteracted the fact that michele bachmann got wayne newton, who she needed to fight off the fact that rick perry got endorsed by dean cain. that had to sting dean's brother herman. but, of course, of course, folks, like o'donnell, the best endorsements are from former candidates, and we still do not know who rick santorum is endorsing. i'm sorry. what's that? he's still running? [laughter] really? okay. so he's probably endorsing himself. that's got to hurt. nation, sex. now that you're paying attention, gay sex. and now that you're terrified, it's time for the debut of my
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long-running series stephen colbert's big gay round-up. [theme music playing] first up in the gay round-up... [gunfire] [laughter] the military. nation, it's been three months since "don't ask, don't tell" was repealed, and watching last weekend's white house press briefing, i learned something shocking from world net daily's les kinsolving. >> there was a 93-7 u.s. senate vote to approve a defense authorization bill that "includes a provision which not only repeals the military law on sodomy but also repeals the military ban on sex with animals or bestiality." does the commander-in-chief
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approve or disapprove of bestiality in our armed forces? >> i don't have any comment on that. let me go to another question. >> let's get to something more serious. >> stephen: oh, what could be more serious than this? it is crucial that we know whether obama is opposed to bestiality or, like all democrats, is he in the pocket of big kangaroo, if you know what i'm talking about. you see, an early version of the defense appropriations bill repealed the rule which bans gay sex and bestiality. and conservatives like michelle backstrom are bachmann. folks, i don't need to tell you what this would do to morale. say a staff sergeant and his bomb-sniffing dog begin to have feelings for each other. at first they keep it professional but soon their nightly patrols are turning into moonlit walks. before long no one else in the squad wants to be in the shower
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when they're soaping each other up. because now it seems weird. next up, homosexual penguins. for years... where's my bullwhip. [whipping noise] thank you. let's be consistent with our theme. [laughter] for years i have warned you about these depraved aquatic avians. for six years now two male penguins named harry and petter have lived together as a nesting couple at the san francisco zoo, making them the second gayest birds america has ever seen. now, folks, it's not just san francisco now. gay penguins have appeared in germany, china and toronto. it's so bad they've even inspired a hit children's book "and tango makes three," which paves the way for such sordid future titles like "good night
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morals" and "green eggs and dan." but finally, finally... [applause] there's some good news on the gay penguin front. jim? >> remember the toronto zoo's so-called gay penguins buddy and pedro? rest let's saw it may have been a passing phase. there was an uproar a few months ago when the zoo announced the two male african penguins would be separated. buddy and pedro were considered gay g'day as they preferred to do everything together. it turns out after their bromance breakup, both buddy and pedro have take on the female mates and according to zookeepers are very interested in breeding. >> this is great news, nation. now we know the cure for gayness. all we have to do is separate gay men from their partners. place them in secure enclosures with female penguin. hey, i wouldn't kick her out of bed for eating mackerel. yeah, girl, you work those
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vestigal wings. i'm going to get my criminal up in your grill. what's that? that's man penguin? oh my god. then what are these feelings. i know i'm human straight. am i penguin gay? i mean, yes, i had unexpected feelings during "march of the penguins," but i wrote those off as natural response to morgan freeman's narration. no wonder i booked elijah wood to talk about his role in "happy feet 2" and we had a sword fight. what does that mean? i don't know, but win thing is clear. we must not invade antarctica. from what michele bachmann says, i'm not sure our troops could handle the temptation. we'll be right back.
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man: my electric bill was breaking the bank. so to save some money, i trained this team of guinea pigs to row this tiny boat. guinea pig: row...row. they generate electricity, which lets me surf the web all day. guinea pig: row...row. took me 6 months to train each one, 8 months to get the guinea pig: row...row. little chubby one to yell row! guinea pig: row...row. that's kind of strange. guinea pig: row...row. such a simple word... row. anncr: there's an easier way to save. get online. go to get a quote. 15 minutes could save you 15% or more on car insurance.
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thank you very much. nation, i love television, but mostly i love commercials. i personally screen every one of my sponsors' ads before we air them. not all of them can make the cut, although so far all of them have. and with the holidays fast approaching, my advertisers have a treasure trove of great gift ideas, none better than this actual commercial that ran during my show. >> if you own an ipod, iphone or digital video player,
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then you need tv hat, private, portable and hands-free. tv hat provides a motion picture experience absolutely anywhere. >> stephen: yes, tv hat. for the few of you who aren't watching this on your tv hat right now, i'll explain. tv hat is tv in hat. allow me to demonstrate. now to the casual observer, this is just an ordinary baseball cap, but slide your iphone into the underrim pocket, pull down the discreet side blinders, drop the patented lens and you are now immersed in a private multimedia entertainment zone, and the rest of the world none the wiser. ha, oh, that malcolm is in the middle again.
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and, folks, as the ad points out, you can wear it anywhere, to the airport, in front of your computer, during your daily commute, even at the beach. great idea because nothing relaxes me quite like the sound of crashing waves on hawaii 5-0. plus it's incrediblebly stylish. >> order your own tv hat or visor in red, white, blue, khaki or camo. >> stephen: yes, camo, so you can watch tv while you're hunting. and unlike most cheapo hat makers, the good folks at tv hat do not skimp on the brim. this baby keeps the sun out of your eyes, off your legs and gives you enough shadow to harvest mushrooms. but the tree genius of tv hat is that it lets you focus on what matters most by blocking out unnecessary distractions, like your spouse or your children. so they really should consider a version with an ipad facing
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out so you can watch a yankees' game while you play catch with junior. now, with tv hat, you'll never again have to sacrifice the important things in life. i remember the night when my daughter was born and as i held that impossible miracle in my hands and counted her ten perfect fingers and her ten perfect toes, i thought, i can't believe i'm missing "night court." so, folks, this christmas, remember tv hat. buy one for yourself and buy another for someone you love to ignore. we'll be right back. [cheering and applause] >> steph,
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everybody. thank you very much. my guest tonight is here to mark the end of the iraq war. it better be over. or you're seriously awol. please welcome general ray odierno. [cheering and applause] general, thanks so much. have a seat. all right. now, it says i got to get the colors out. there we go. there we go. flag of the states. flag of colbert nation. sir, good to see you again. >> good to see you, too. >> >> stephen: remind everybody who may not know all the cv, if i may.
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you are the 38th chief of staff of the u.s. army. remember the joint chiefs. >> right. >> stephen: those are big. previously commanded the u.s. joint forces command. you were commanding general of the multinational force iraq, u.s. forces of iraq, multinational iraq. you commanded the fourth infantry division. and the last troops will be coming back from iraq by december 31st. is the war over? >> the war's over, stephen. [cheering and applause] >> crowd u.s.a. say, u-s-a, u-s-a! >> stephen: thank you. what if hostilities break out in iraq again? >> well, again, we don't foresee that happening. we really believe that the iraqis will be able to solve their problems internally. they are a sovereign and for the most part a stable state now,
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and we think they can handle that themselves. we don't see anything breaking out here any time soon. >> okay. i heard a lot from the blame america first crowd over the last nine years. about how there weren't weapons of mass destruction. >> right. >> stephen: and how there was no connection to al qaeda. do you think because the purported reasons for the war when we first went in didn't prove to be true, this is the war that cried wolf and it might actually keep us from going after enemies in the future that have a clear and present danger? >> i would just say first we have to remember that this was a brutal dictator, an individual who killed hundreds and hundreds of thousands of his own people. we found mass graves all over iraq, and i believe he had a hatred for the united states. i believe if he was given the opportunity, he would have done everything he can to target or somehow repay the united states for ousting him from kuwait back
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in the early '90s. so i believe that he was a factor of instability in the middle east and i think the middle east is a much better place without saddam hussein in power in iraq. >> what would you say... [cheering and applause] >> stephen: what would you say to the employers of america about our troops who are coming home? because they're coming home to a very tough economy. >> yes. >> stephen: sell employers on hiring veterans. >> first off i would say you get selfless service. you get somebody with integrity. you get somebody with high moral values. you get somebody with a work ethic. you get someone who is willing to sacrifice and put something before himself. and you get somebody who deserves the thankfulness of their country because they were willing to raise their right hand and defend our country. [cheering and applause]
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>> stephen: what changes for you now that the iraq war is over? i assume that you are keeping your head shaved in solidarity with our troops now are you going to let your golden locks grow right back out because your nickname at west point was rapunzel, was it not? >> i wish i could, in fact, grow my hair out, but unfortunately i can't, but didn't we make a bet that you said, when we finally come into iraq, you would let me shave your head one more time? [cheering and applause] >> stephen: no. no. [audience chanting "stephen"] >> stephen: unless the president is about to appear on that screen behind you, with all due respected, you can go to hell. let me ask you a quick question: how much bestiality is there in
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the military, because michele bachmann seems incredibly worried that the troops are on hair trigger? >> well, stephen, i will say that i have not witnessed any of that in my 35 years in the military. >> stephen: really? the troops have been in afghanistan for 11 years. after a while those goats have to look pretty good. >> i haven't seen it. >> stephen: well i'll pass that message on to her. i know that you're supposed to be apolitical, but is there any chance that you would jump into the republican primaries? because i think they'd go for you. come on. [cheering and applause] right now. commit. right now. newt and mitt, why not ray? >> i have a very important job being the chief of staff of the army. >> stephen: commander-in-chief sounds good though, rightle? >> i love working with these young men and women, these great soldiers who volunteer. that's my priority.
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when i'm done with that, i will retire somewhere and enjoy the rest of my life. >> stephen: i hope you'll reconsider. would you stick around for one last tribute to the troops. >> i will. >> stephen: thank you so much. we'll be right back with general ray odierno. >> stephen: well, that's it for
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"the report," everybody. but before we go, in honor of the troops returning from iraq
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in time for the holidays, i hope you'll all join us in this song. one, two, three... ♪ i'll be home for christmas you can plan on me ♪ please have snow and mistletoe ♪ and presents on the tree christmas eve will find me ♪ where the love light gleams i'll be home for christmas ♪ if only in my dreams >> stephen: good night, captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by


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