tv The Colbert Report Comedy Central May 31, 2011 1:30pm-2:00pm PDT
here it is, your moment of zen. >>ly not be running for president, as much as i would like. to >> you did the right thing. >>captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> stephen: tonight, how did we get osama bin laden, and how can we get him again? the buzz is starting to wear off. [laughter] then, should oil companies give back all those tax breaks? yeah, as soon as the seagulls give back all that oil. and my guest amy kremer is the chair of the tea party express. i'll interview her dressed as a great american patriot -- me. cnn anchor john lemmon has come out as gay, but can he find the courage to tell his family he's on cnn? [laughter] this is "the colbert report."
captioning sponsored by comedy central [theme song playing] [cheers and applause] [audience chanting "stephen"] >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to "the report." thank you. please. welcome to "the report." thank you for joining us. nation, right off the bean i have to address the breaking news out of china. ming ming, the world's oldest panda, is dead at the age of 34. this comes as a real surprise. and i just want to say, well done, seal team six, another righteous kill.
for too long our mortal enemies, the chinese, have been using pandas' cuteness to infiltrate our hearts. never forget that they are panda bears, godless, killing machines. i mean we've all seen the footage of their compound where they are literally breeding more of these cuddly commies. i can hear it now, stephen, how can you say that about pandas. they wouldn't hurt a fly? oh, really, then why are they learning kung fu? ""kung fu panda" in theaters may 26th. we've been warned. this pandacide part two for seal team six. two weeks ago we got bin laden and we are still reaping the benefits. for one thing, we found his porn stash, it is some rough, rough stuff. we're talking full frontal ankles. of course, now we can warn
teenage boys, if they look at playboy, navy seal will shoot them in the eye. best of all, folks, this act of closure opens an old wound. >> the death of osama bin laden recinsdled an old debate over enhanced interrogation, what some have called torture. >> this week's events have reignited this heated debate. >> that news also reigniting the media debate over waterboarding. >> stephen: yes, the debate over waterboarding has been recingdled and reignited, which begs the question, did we try fire boarding? but folks, there is one way to end this torture debate, and it's the subject of tonight's "word." [cheers and applause] enhanced rejustification. nation, the torture debate seemed over. in the last presidential election, obama was against waterboarding and mccain was against all forms of enhanced
interrogation, but then, of course, we got bin laden. some credited obama. some credited bush, but the real hero was an elite team made up of a dish rag and a water bucket. jim. >> it was the water board of the harry back guy that provided the intel that led to his doorstep. >> some of the early leads came out of that program. >> without the enhanced interrogation, we never would have found where bin laden was hiding. >> you know what, it is because of waterboarding that osama bin laden is dead. everybody knows it. hip, hip hooray to george bush. >> >> stephen:, yes, three cheers for george bush. unless you're in a gagged position, in which case try three grunts. folks, it went down like this... [cheers and applause] here's how the whole thing played out.
we water boarded khalid sheikh mohammed, obviously after this picture was taken because he clearly hadn't touched water for some time. now, at some point, at some point ksm gave up the nickname of one of bin laden's couriers. we followed that courier and that's how we nailed bin laden, therefore validating torture. but the "i want to be able to look my children in the eye" crowd refused to admit torture is the real hero here. >> torture is not moral. it's not legal. it's not effective. >> it was not torture or cruel, inhuman, degrading treatment of detainees that got us the major leads that ultimately enabled our intelligence community to find osama bin laden. >> all of our experience shows you generate better, more accurate information when you treat prisoners humanely, when you befriend them, when you connect with them. >> probably the most tortured
detainee, kalil sheikh mohammed, watered boarded 180 time, did not divluge the name of his courier. >> stephen: he didn't give the name during waterboarding, but he was gave it eventually. we were just loosening the jar by holding it under water. the pointed is we need a definitive statement that waterboarding led us to bin laden. howing about the guy who ordered it. rumsfeld, help us out. >> information that came from interrogation in guantanamo led to information in this. but it was not waterboarding. >> anyone that suggests the enhanced techniques, let's be blungt, waterboarding, did not produce an enormous amount of valuable intelligence, just isn't facing the truth. >> stephen: now, when he says, "let's be blunt," is he referring to what he was smoking to be able to say both of those
things in the same week? [cheers and applause] unfortunately, folks, unfortunately, even rumsfeld doesn't settle anything. and the only way torture can be justified is if we know that they saved lives. but if there is no indisputable evidence that torture saves lives, there's only one thing a civilized nation can do? torture more. we've got to keep torturing until there is one clear case where everyone says that torturing saves lives. then and only then will our actions be justified. so who do we torture next? now, we could... [cheers and applause] it could be terrorist, but what are they going to tell us, where bin laden is? the onlies who know that are fish, and waterboarding won't
help. [laughter] folks, if you think about it, you know what kills more americans than terrorists? drunk drivers. every year drunk drivers kill 37,000 people. that's almost 13 9/11s. i say that justifies cops administering something a little stronger than a breathalyzer. and it's not just... [laughter] it's not just the drivers. pedestrians shouldn't get off scot-free either. the u.s. had over 4,000 pedestrian deaths last year. so let's torture jaywalkers. and, of course, of course, the number-one killer of americans is heart disease, one death every 34 seconds. so let's torture our fast food workers. i mean, it would be easy. the hot oil is right there.
the interrogation is not only enhanced, it's supersized. the point is we know there is no going back. we have already tortured people. you cannot unring that bell. and the knowledge that we have already tortured people could be the death of america's moral leadership. to save that, we must do whatever it takes to justify what we've already done. and that's "the word." we'll be right back. [cheers and applause]
>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. folks, you know, whenever a big story hits, i know the first thing you do is tune in here to find out how you feel. that's how you learn you hate terrorists, monorails and my pervert neighbor alan, who is always trying to catch a glimpse of me naked when i'm mowing the front lawn. so naturally people are expecting me to weigh in on today's big bombshell. you all know what i'm talking about. >> former governor arnold schwarzenegger admitting he fathered a love child roughly a
decade ago with a former staff member. >> stephen: juicy, sexy stuff. well, folks, i hate to disappoint you, but i am not touching this one. it's a private matter between arnold and his family and his other family. [laughter] it's not what we do here. if you want all the lurid details, go someplace else because we have more important things to talk about, like oil subsidies. today the senate voted on a democratic measure that would eliminate $21 billion in subsidies for the country's top five oil companies over the next decade. the bill closes certain loopholes in the tax code, specifically the part of the code that -- ten years, ten years ago! [cheers and applause] he had this kid.
okay. and maria never knew? what did she think this was, water weight gain? no, no, no, colbert, you're better than this. they're human beings. mostly. i hear he's part machine. shake it off, shake it off. oil subsidies. yeah. okay. as i was saying, republicans argue that rather than blaming big oil for record profits, congress should be focused on increasing domestic energy production and -- are you telling me no one knew? no one knew it was his kid? it was probably born with a 40-inch chest. and forget the caesarean, he probably shot his way out, hasta la vista, placenta. i need help. no, i need help. i need help, help.
[grunting] get yourself together. focus, focus, focus, focus. you're a professional. [cheers and applause] okay. all right. i'm good to go. i'm good to go. okay. and republicans are not taking this lying down, folks. they introduced their own bill fm 953, which reads as follows, "section one, short title: this act may be cited as the "off shore production and safety act of 2011... in general, notwithstanding any other provision of this act, in the case of each exploration plan submitted after the date of enactment of this act, [bleeped]. okay.
let's dish. all right. this whole thing makes john edwards look like father of the year. i mean, i mean, when arnold was running for governor, he was out there shaking hands and kissing babies. any of those babies could have been his. [laughter] now we know why he was always smoking cigars. each one could have been celebrating the birth of another secret child. oh, i cannot be the only one talking about this. >> this is a marriage terminator. >> from terminator to... >> did we call him the inseminator? >> maybe it's a tumor. >> it's not a tumor. >> he's going to get a lot of money and jingle all the way. >> now he has a junior, as he said. he's not going to be the last action hero to do this. and now when he turns five he's going to be a kindergarten cop. >> hilarious.
hey, sorry. anyway, where was i? [cheers and applause] yes, oil is the key to the future. [laughter] i'll be back. [cheers and applause] ♪ have a better day [ male announcer ] only subway has a deal this flat-out delicious -- the new $3 flatbread breakfast combo. a toasty 6-inch flatbread breakfast sandwich and a 16-ounce cup of freshly brewed seattle's best coffee. all for just $3.
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everybody. my guest tonight is a leader of the tea party movement. i'll ask her why the founding fathers hated obama care. please welcome amy kremer. [cheers and applause] hi, amy, thanks so much for coming on. >> thanks for having me. >> stephen: i got to give you promise right away. the tea party, i tried to get these party whipped up. i tried to get america whipped up, but over the last couple years, you people have whipped america into stiff peaks, like a meringue.
i don't know if you bake, but that's a compliment. >> thank you. we're trying. it's all about the passion. it's all about fiscal responsibility. you can't spend more than you make. our government is out there charging with our credit card. >> stephen: i can because i know i'll just make it back tomorrow. now, let's trash talk a little bit. you're the chairman of the tea party patriots. >> tea party express. [audience reacts] >> stephen: okay. what is the difference? is the tea party express, is that like holiday inn express? do you come with a continental breakfast is what i'm asking? >> we're the buses that go across the country. >> stephen: oh, you're the bus people. >> we're the bus people. >> stephen: fantastic. you were a delta flight attendant. >> i was a della flight attendant. i love to travel. >> stephen: if i worked for delta, i would prefer a bus as well. >> it's a bus in the sky. that's all it is. >> stephen: people accuse the
tea party of being a branch of the republican party. true or false? >> that's false. the republican party... >> stephen: what happened because i was always against obama. what happened 27 days into obama's presidency that made all you democrats turn against him? >> well, first of all, first of all the republican party is more afraid of us than the democrat ing party, but this movement is a direct result of people being fed up and angry with both political parties. >> stephen: but there weren't a lot of signs showing john boehner with a bone through his nose. >> this movement, people got fed up when bush was in office with the spending, and it's escalated, so people are coming, you know, to the movement and joining the movement because they want responsibility. >> stephen: i want to motivate people. >> people are motivatessed. >> stephen: i need to know how to motivate people the way you did. while people were frustrated with president bush, they weren't marching in the streets until obama was in. what could i tell my people that
you told your people that changed everything? >> this has nothing to do with president bush or president obama. >> stephen: it doesn't matter who is in the white house. >> that's right. >> stephen: so why even have a president? why can't we just rule by mob? why can't we just chant in the street? >> it's the balance of power. it's the judicial branch. >> stephen: i've never been a fan of the judicial brash. i always thought it was filler, like sawdust. >> there's three branches of government. it's balance of power, but it's congress that controls the purse strings, and it's congress that is spending so much money. >> stephen: let's talk debt ceiling. >> talk debt ceiling. >> stephen: do we let the united states hit the debt ceiling and lapse on its payments? >> guess what, we hit the debt ceiling yesterday. >> stephen: they've massaged the books. >> you just said it. we bring in enough tax revenue to service our debt. we bring in enough tax revenue
to service our debt, pay for medicare, medicaid and social security and still have about $300 or $400 billion left over. why have a debt ceiling if they continue to raise it? by raising itilus gives them power... >> stephen: i'm with you on we have enough revenue, but we don't actually have enough revenue. >> we need to stop spending. >> stephen: we have enough revenue for what i want the country to do. we don't have enough revenue for what the country is doing right now. i believe we build a wall at the borders and tell the world... [whistles] and then inside basically you need nothing for the government to do. >> no, i mean, we have to rein in the spending. >> stephen: i agree. is there any situation in which we should raise taxes? >> when you start talking about raising taxes, you're talking about spending more money. stop the spending. >> stephen: we have debt to pay off. how do we pay off the debt? >> we have enough revenue.
>> stephen: why are we $14 trillion in debt then? >> because they're spending more than we're bringing in. they keep spending and spending and spending. >> stephen: but it will take us 50 years to pay off the debt. is there any situation by which we should raise taxes? >> again, when you talk about raising taxes... >> stephen: yes or no. is there any situation for raising taxes? >> i think we should close the corporate tax loopholes. >> stephen: excuse me, madam. i am a corporation. if you close the holes on my loops, all i'm left with is strings. how dare you, madam. you are raising taxes on me by closing corporate loopholes. >> i just want you to pay your taxes. >> stephen: get out. [applause] here's the situation, here's the situation, nuclear bombs somewhere in new york. we don't know where it is. the only way we can find our where the bomb is and save eight
million people is to raise the tax rate on the top 2% of americans from 33% to 36.9%. do we do it? eight million people, wait, ticking time bomb. you've got 30 seconds. the bomb is about to go off. do you raise taxes to save eight million people? babies, orphans. nuns. your own family is saying, please, please, taxes. >> how about you call up the defense department and tell them to stop creating... >> stephen: they're on the phone saying, please, raise taxes. the guy has told me it will save all these lives. raise taxes $1. raise them $1 and you'll save the life offing a million wakies. >> tell them to stop creating the second income for the f-35 and save $3 billion and then the nuclear bomb won't go off. >> stephen: i love you. that's a perfect answer. thank you so much. tea party express chairman amy